Health_Fitness_UK_July_2017

psychology
MIND
over
MATTER
Harnessing mindfulness
techniques can help
you foster successful
relationships – here’s how
The deep sense of contentment
that comes from being in
a positive relationship is
something we all long for.
Indeed, loving and being loved is a
basic human need. But relationships
aren’t always so easy, even with those
we care about deeply.
This is where mindfulness can help.
With its focus on being fully present,
compassionate and non-judgemental,
the technique brings an emotional richness
to your personal life, but it also works on
a physiological level. Research shows
mindfulness strengthens a part of the brain
(the anterior cingulate cortex) associated
with cognitive flexibility,helping you see
problems from a different perspective.
It also has a calming influence on the
amygdala, the area of the brain that alerts
you to perceived threat – both physical or
emotional. The result? You’re less likely to
be plagued with relationship insecurities
if you practise mindfulness.
Traditional mindfulness exercises such
as focusing on your breath, becoming
aware of your emotions and observing your
thoughts will all benefit your relationship,
but the ‘RAIN’ exercise below is particularly
useful in helping you gain clarity about what
you’re feeling in situ. Adapted from the
Buddhist practice known as Vipassanā,
it’ll also help you begin to unravel the
intertwined threads of your history that
have brought you to your current situation.
The next time you find yourself in
an emotionally challenging situation,
try the exercise below.
R: RECOGNISE
The first step in understanding conflict in
a relationship is to be aware of what you’re
bringing to the interaction, and there may
be several layers to your experience. For
example, if your partner expects more than
you can give, you may feel guilty for not
meeting his wishes, while also resenting
him for making what you believe are
unreasonable demands. Perhaps you also
feel hurt that nothing you do seems good
enough, yet also feel compassion towards
yourself for trying so hard. Notice your
feelings and name them ‘I feel pressured’
or ‘I feel misunderstood’, for example.
Also, be aware of thoughts that arise,
such as ‘Maybe I’m just being selfish’
or ‘He always expects more – why does
he never see my point of view?’
A: ACCEPT
Next, work on accepting what you’re
feeling and thinking. This can be tough,
as most of us have been taught there
are certain thoughts and emotions we
shouldn’t express or, indeed, feel. Allow
yourself to feel the emotions you’re feeling
today. No thought or feeling is ‘wrong’.
Even unwanted or unpleasant emotions
help you to better understand yourself.
I: INVESTIGATE
Next, put aside thoughts of who’s to blame
or what you want to do about the situation.
Delve deeper into what you’re experiencing
– ask yourself if you can sense the emotion
in your body, or if you’ve ever felt this way
before. Using the example above, you
might remember your father also expected
more of you than you felt able to give. Or
that guilt is an emotion you regularly feel.
N: NON-IDENTIFICATION
Acknowledge a certain feeling (say, rejection)
is present, but don’t let it define you. So
you’re not a person who has been rejected,
but someone who experienced the emotion
of rejection. This can be liberating and can
bring a calmer, wiser way of relating to
people you’re in conflict with.
WORDS: Eve Boggenpoel PHOTOGRAPHY: iStock
QSHELF HELPQ
Each issue, we bring you the best advice from the self-help classics
This month we look at Mind over
Mood, by Drs Dennis Greenberger
and Christine A Padesky
(Guildford Press, £20.99).
In a nutshell: Packed with proven
cognitive therapy-based strategies
to boost confidence and help you
handle stress, relationship problems,
anxiety and more, this book shows
you how to understand your
problems, monitor automatic
thoughts and retrain your brain to
think in a rounded, balanced way.
A nugget: ‘Core beliefs help us
make sense of our world at a young
age, but they might not be the best
way of helping us understand our
adult experiences.’
Health & Fitness 43