8_Days__June_1_2017

first person
STORY
JASON HAHN
76
8
Walk into any
bookshop or go
online, and you’ll
find more books
and articles on
vegetarianism than you could shake
an organic carrot stick at. Any
question you may have about the
pros and cons of being vegetarian,
what it is, why you should do it,
what are the medical benefits and
drawbacks, how to cook it, what to
eat, where to eat it, how to eat it…
somewhere out there, someone has
written about it.
But one thing nobody writes
about is just how much more difficult
it is, if not impossible, to travel
when you’re a vegetarian.
Last weekend, Saffy, Amanda
and I scooted up to Penang for a
long weekend. The official excuse
was that Amanda had a Friday
meeting, but as Saffy pointed out,
it’s difficult to take any meeting
seriously when it’s held in the lobby
of a hotel.
“I mean, who does that, unless
you’re in a Hollywood movie set in
Washington DC?” she said, her
impressive bosom threatening to
burst out of her new Marni sequined
T-shirt like one of those chestbusters
in Alien: Covenant.
Amanda rolled her eyes. “He’s
the CEO of one of my most important
clients and he’s literally heading
straight to the airport from the
meeting, so it makes sense to just
meet in the lobby!”
Saffy was unimpressed. “Has he
heard of Skype? Anyway, whatever.
Jason and I are coming with you. I am
dying to have some char kway teow!”
“But that’s got prawns and
cockles in it,” I pointed out. “You’re
vegetarian now.”
Saffy’s bosom inflated. “Yes, but
I’m not blind! I can pick out the
seafood and just eat the noodles!”
Which is how, as Amanda sat
down in the lobby of the E&O hotel
in downtown Penang, Saffy and I
settled in at Ah Leng’s with a plate
each of steaming, fragrant, garlicky
char kway teow.
DAYS
After the obligatory Instagram
snap, we tucked in. “My God, this
is so good!” Saffy moaned as she
delicately picked out the fat prawns
and little brown nuggets of cockles
and dropped them onto my plate.
“There’s just so much flavour and
wok-hei!”
“What should we have for
lunch?” I mumbled through a
mouthful of noodles.
A cone of silence dropped over
our table. Saffy stared hard at the
ceiling as her mouth chewed rhythmically.
She frowned and cocked
her head. “Huh,” she said eventually.
“I’ve just realised that everything
that I love to eat in Penang
has meat in it. Nasi kandar. Bah
kut teh. Lor bak. Fish head curry.”
Her fingers ticked off the offending
foods.
But one thing
nobody writes
about is just how
much more difficult it is,
if not impossible, to travel
when you’re a vegetarian.
“Rojak! You can have rojak!” I
said helpfully.
“That’s got shrimp paste, no?
And anyway, I can’t just eat fruit
salad the whole trip.”
“Oh.”
“Kueh pie tee, babi pongtay, assam
laksa, chicken buah keluak…
My God. There’s meat in everything!
And if I pick out the meat, there’ll
be nothing to eat except gravy!”
When we swung by the E&O to
pick up Amanda for lunch, Saffy was
practically hyperventilating.
“Surely, there’s something we
can eat!” Amanda said as she
struggled with her seatbelt.
“There’s nothing!” Saffy insisted.
“It’s all got meat in it! There’s only
char kway teow!”
As if on cue, Saffy’s phone
pinged with a notification on
Instagram. Sharyn had posted a
comment on Saffy’s picture of the
glistening curls of Ah Leng’s char
kway teow: “How can you eat this?
Got pork lard, you know!”
Saffy immediately dialed
Sharyn’s number. “No, it doesn’t!”
she began hotly.
Sharyn’s amplified voice boomed
out on the speaker. “Aiyoh, you
so bodoh! How you tink so tasty?
Where got vegee-tuh-ble oil fry
one? Confirm it’s pork lard lah!”
“Well it may be lard,” Saffy said,
her face turning pink, “but it’s not
pork!”
As Amanda later pointed out to
me privately, sometimes Saffy made
Donald Trump look like a genius.
“I think she’s devastated,” I told
her. “She was thinking she could
just eat char kway teow the entire
trip.”
“You know,” Amanda said. “I just
had a horrifying thought. You know
how we’re going to Paris in September?
What the hell are we going
to eat? No coq au vin, no boeuf
Bourgignon, no steak tartare, no
oysters, no cassoulet… I can’t just
eat croissants for a week!”
When Saffy heard about it, she
literally started shaking. “But what
would be the point of being in
France then?” she cried. “Oh my
God, why does every dish that I love
have meat in it?”
On cue, a message from Sharyn
pinged on Saffy’s phone: “Who ask
you become vegetarian?”