Better cope with a prolonged absence-ENG

How to better cope
with a prolonged
absence

CONTENTS
Introduction 4
How to prepare for a deployment? 4
Military personnel 4
For the one who stays behind 5
Single parent 5
Children 5
Deployment 6
Emotional cycle of the deployment 6
Practical advice for the one who stays behind 9
During the deployment 9
My expectations and my feelings 10
For the one who stays behind 10
Military personnel 11
Planning the return 12
For the one who stays behind 12
Military personnel 12
Children facing a prolonged absence 13
Activity suggestions 15
Calendar 15
Deployment map 15
The ‘’jelly beans’’ jar 15
The chain links 15
Some funny ideas 16
Family stress box 16
Family meeting 16
Communication night 16
Bibliography references 16
Notes 17

INTRODUCTION
A good preparation is a significant asset to face a prolonged absence. As a result, this booklet has been created for you. While reading
the following pages, you will find useful advice, information, and tools that will help you to better understand the emotions related to
a deployment. In addition, you will discover, amongst other things, the emotional stages of a deployment.
Moreover, each family member will find relevant information which will help everyone to cope with a deployment. Furthermore, at the
end, we are suggesting some fun family activities. Take some time to read this booklet. It will be useful before, during, and after the
deployment.
Happy reading! Do not hesitate to contact a friend or a significant other if you feel the need. We, at the MFRC, are always available to
support you or answer your questions.
HOW TO PREPARE FOR A DEPLOYMENT?
People living the military life say that getting ready for a deployment becomes a normal mode of operation. What should be done
when the military spouse must leave on short notice for an exercise or when, suddenly, this person is sent abroad with the unit for
an indefinite period of time?
Military personnel
Explain to your family your role in the Canadian Forces. Take them for a visit to our work place and describe your tasks.
Be honest. Specify the type of schedule that you will have and describe the deployment location.
(Time zone, language, different culture, etc.)
Prepare your luggage early in order to spend the last evening with your family.
Allow yourself some privileged time with your children and your spouse.
Let your family members know that even if you like your work, it is difficult for you to leave them.
Tell them that you will miss them as much as they will miss you.
Prepare in advance some cards or little messages for special events (Anniversary, Christmas etc…)
4

For the one who stays behind
Create a support network (people you can contact day and night). Make sure you know the emergency numbers (deployment
support centre, health information, social information, police forces, etc). Make contact with other spouses and your spouse’s unit.
Ensure to know a person (friend or neighbour) who will be able to take care of your children on short notice if need arises.
Do not forget that you are also a human being, not only a person in a relationship. Before your spouse’s departure, take notes of the
budget; achieve tasks that normally the other person carries out (like mowing the lawn for example, oil change for your car, etc).
Make a list of things that you have always wanted to do, but never had time to do it.
Single parent
Plan in advance all the details concerning your deployment, your house, etc.
Organize special activities; spend as much time as possible with your children.
If your ex-spouse cannot take care of the children during the deployment,
it would be important to find a significant person (guardian) who knows them and could deal with them.
If your children are staying with your ex-spouse, try to maintain a good relationship and stay in contact.
As much as possible, leave the children in the same environment so the routine is not turned upside down.
Ensure that the current social network remains present near the children.
Children
Talk to your children a long time in advance about your separation, except if they are too young to understand.
This will give them time to think about the deployment, time to accept it, and to get used to their feelings about the separation.
Explain to them the importance of your mission and let them know how much they will be missed.
Listen and let your children express what they feel toward the separation. Do not leave them aside.
Plan special family activities before your departure. Take pictures of you or make a video that they can view while you are away.
Read to your children some of their favourite stories and record them on a tape or CD.
Suggest to your children to write a letter, to make a drawing or craft, and to place it in your luggage as a surprise.
5

DEPLOYMENT
A deployment affects all family members. It is a very stressful situation for everyone. It requires a physical and emotional plan for the soldier, spouse,
and their children; it is also true for the extended family or friends’ network. All close relationships are affected by a deployment. Consequently,
knowing more about the topic can reduce the stress level for the family members and can help them during this period.
Emotional cycle of the deployment
Step
Before a
deployment
1- Anticipation of the loss
Possible reactions:
Excitement, denial, fear, anger, resentment, stress, sorrow, insomnia,
frustration, unstable mood, and unstable energy level.
Some advice:
Description
Give yourself the right to feel and express your emotions;
Encourage all the family members to share their feelings;
Re-affirm your love and your engagement towards your partner;
Involve the whole family in the preparation of a prolonged absence;
Create special occasions, which will become happy memories;
Try to perceive the deployment as an opportunity of personal growth;
Remember that a deployment is only a temporary situation;
Pass through the memoranda with your partner;
Establish realistic goals for yourself during the deployment.
Duration
1 to 6 weeks
before
deployment
2- Detachment and withdrawal
Possible reactions
This is the most difficult stage;
Emotional detachment from the person who leaves;
Discouragement, hopelessness, lack of energy, tiredness, and impatience;
Reduction of emotional connection and sexual intimacy.
Some advice:
Accept your feelings as being normal, these reactions;
are based on difficult circumstances and not as a sign of rejection;
Communicate as openly and honestly as possible;
Be patient with yourself and your family members.
Last week
before
deployment
6

Step
3- Emotional disorganization
Possible reactions:
Feeling neglected and alone;
Loss, emptiness, and loneliness;
Anger, depression, and confusion;
Disorganization;
Stress, insomnia, and fatigue;
Culpability and fear of infidelity;
Feeling relieved.
Some advice:
Keep in touch;
Try to end your phone calls on a positive note;
(the wait can be long until the next phone call);
Share as much information as you can about your daily life and work;
Take care of yourself;
Participate in formal or informal support groups, activities, volunteer work, etc.
4- Recovery and stabilization
Possible reactions:
Realizing that she/he is managing well;
Redistribution of roles and responsibilities;
Increase of self-confidence, autonomy, and independence.
Some advice:
Description
Be indulgent with yourself; accept the fact that you do
not have control on everything;
Pay attention to your children’s emotions and questions;
Benefit from your freedom, your independence, and new acquired skills;
Do not forget to take time for yourself;
Be able to recognize the new assets acquired by the family members
(better self-confidence, new network of support, autonomy...);
Confide to a close friend that you trust or to your deployment support coordinator;
Re-affirm with your partner that you cannot wait for this separation to be over.
Duration
First 6 weeks
Variable duration
(between stages
3 and 5)
7

Step
5- Anticipate the return
Possible reactions:
Apprehension, to cast doubt over anxiety;
Excitement and high expectations;
Increase of energy;
Concerns and confusion;
Difficulty to take decisions.
Some advice:
Description
Have realistic expectations toward your spouse’s homecoming;
Re-affirm your love and your commitment to your partner;
Include your children in the planning of a welcome home party;
Plan family time together;
Trust only the official information regarding the return (date, hour, and place);
Do not pay attention to rumours (in order not to create false expectations).
Duration
Last 6 weeks
of deployment
6- Renegotiate the terms of relation
Possible reactions:
Discomfort, grieving loss of freedom, and independence;
Confusion of roles;
Satisfaction;
Happiness and excitement.
Some advice:
Relearn to know yourself (weekend gateway, romantic dinner...);
Accept your feelings like being normal and not a threat to your relationship;
Be patient with yourself and your partner;
Renegotiate your roles and your responsibilities;
The tasks can always be shared and might be different;
Express your needs, expectations, and emotions.
First 6 weeks
at home
8

Step
7- Reintegration and stabilization
Possible reactions:
Acceptance of the new roles;
The feeling of being a couple again.
Description
Duration
6 - 12 weeks
Some advice:
Continue to take part in your support network;
Do not hesitate to consult someone (priest, social worker, or doctor) if you
perceive signs of post-traumatic stress disorder or for any other reason;
Evaluate the agreements that you negotiated after the return.
ADVICE FOR THE ONE WHO STAYS BEHIND
During the deployment
Keep in touch with the person who is away (letters, photographs, or Internet).
Hold a diary where you will note some significant or insignificant events in order
to inform the deployed spouse of what is going on at home. (Drawings, pictures, etc.)
Inform your child’s teacher about the deployment in order to prevent the abrupt changes of behaviour.
As much as possible, keep the same routine at home.
Distribute daily tasks between all the family members by taking in consideration their age and their potential.
Do not forget, the priorities will probably have to be modified, because there is so much to do.
Listen to your emotions and your children’s feeling.
Take care of yourself; take some time out for you, relax...
9

MY EXPECTATIONS AND MY FEELINGS
For the one who stays behind.
What are the things that changed about me and my children since the departure? At home?
What are my expectations in my relationship?
What are my expectations about my spouse’s attitude towards the children?
What are my expectations towards the tasks in the house?
What are my feelings towards my spouse’s homecoming?
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For the Military member.
What are the things that changed about me, with my contacts, with my spouse,
and in my interpersonal relation since my departure?
What are my expectations in my relationship?
What are my expectations about the children’s attitude towards me?
What are my expectations towards my reinstatement in the household tasks?
What are my feelings towards my return with my family?
11

PLANNING THE RETURN
A family who is ready for a deployment must also be prepared for the reunion. Be realistic, you will probably have to adapt or face some
difficulties concerning your partner’s return.
Communication is the successful key to a great reunion and a happy family. It is necessary that all family members can express their
feelings and concerns. If all family members listen to each other, it will be easier to find balance.
Every long separation involves changes. Your lifestyle will certainly change. It will depend on both parents to guarantee the success
of the family relation when the family members are together and when they are separated. Knowing how to plan will certainly help to
bring the couple closer and reinforce the bonds.
The one who stays behind
Do not wait for everything to be perfect;
Communication is very important;
Speak openly and honestly about your concerns and fears;
Discuss about everyone’s old and new responsibilities; clearly redefine the role of each family member;
Remember that the person who has been deployed was probably receiving orders or under a strict routine.
This person could not approve the pre-organized schedules or events. Leave room for spontaneity;
Plan time to restore your sexual intimacy;
Sleep disturbances can occur. The deployed person is used to a smaller bed or the presence of other people while sleeping;
Expect your spouse to be surprised that you can manage on your own;
Reassure this person and tell him/her that you need his/her assistance, without giving up your independency.
Military member
Do not disturb a family organization that functions well without you;
Enter the family organization gradually. Try to benefit from your statute “of honourable guest” for a while;
Do not try to involve yourself in the household finances too quickly. There are chances that your spouse took good care of it;
Expect your spouse to feel envious toward your trips. A good idea would be to bring back a gift;
Expect to find your spouse to be different, independent, and more confident;
However, the fact that she/he can manage without you does not mean that she/he does not need your assistance;
Expect your children to be reticent and even shy at your arrival. Perhaps, you will have to re-establish
the bonds with your children. They must get acquainted with you all over again.;
Try not to apply excessive discipline toward your children at the beginning of your return;
Devote quality time for each child. Moreover, when you wonder what to do, hug your children.
Be patient towards your couple, your children, and yourself! It can take weeks and even months before things come back the way they
were before. Remember that nobody is the same as before, because we all continued to grow.
12

CHILDREN AND A PROLONGED ABSENCE
The period preceding a deployment is stressful for parents and children. In the event of a deployment, family members will feel a
loss of stability and well-being. Children may not understand why one of their parents must leave them. They are often confused and
sometimes feel rejected by the family member who remains with them.
Children have a hard time expressing their worries and their feelings, often, their behaviour shows resentment, desire of revenge, and
culpability relating to their emotions. Instability is disturbing for the children. They want things to remain unchanged. When changes
occur, children do not usually have any release system for their anxiety and do not know where to find the appropriate support.
..
Age group
Possible reactions
Useful advice
0 to 5 years old
They cry more frequently;
Irritability (Tantrum);
Regressive behaviour (do not want to eat by themselves,
suck their thumb, etc.);
They change their sleeping habits;
More possessive;
They feel that the routine is broken;
They fear that the parent will not return (Insecurity);
Record the voice of the absent spouse.
Give them more attention, especially at
the beginning of the absence.
Reassure them (confirm that the
absence is only temporary).
Answer your children’s questions.
5 to 6 years old
They feel guilty about the parent’s departure;
Higher anxiety;
Increase in a aggressive behaviour;
Inattentive and dream while awaked;
Tantrums are still present.
Recognize your child’s emotions.
Confirm (ex: it is correct to feel like that).
Keep realistic expectations regarding
their outputs in school or at home.
Let the crisis pass before providing an
emotive support and start again the
communication.
13

Age group
5 to 6 years old
7 to 10 years old
Possible reaction
Deep sadness and difficulty in comforting themselves;
Feeling of being abandoned
(fear that the parent will not return);
Useful advice
Make sure the child knows that the
deployed parent did not leave because
of he/she does not love them.
Encourage the child to communicate
with the absent parent.
Reassure the child.
11 to 12 years old
Insecurity;
Let them know that the deployed parent is leaving to do a
special job for our country and that he/she plans to return
as soon as possible;
Feeling of being abandoned;
Impression to be a burden;
Feeling isolated;
Defying authority;
Let your children express their fears
and sadness.
Standardize emotions, (ex: it is normal
that you have sorrows, mom / dad too?!)
Be honest with your own emotions. Do
not hide them to your children. It will
help them affirming their own emotions.
Reassure them.
Let them communicate
with the absent parent.
Trust them and give them
new responsibilities.
They feel that their needs are too much or not enough
fulfilled;
Fear that something might happen to the remaining parent,
such as sickness or death;
Anger towards the remaining parent or the deployed one;
They experience some difficulties in their relationships
with others (friends, teachers, etc.).
Define with them their needs and make
sure they are realistic.
Keep the same level of discipline and
do not blame the absent parent. Ask for
their support.
Support the expression of their anger in
an acceptable manner.
14

Age group
Possible reaction
Useful advice
13 to 18 years old Feeling of being abandoned, isolated, and emptiness;
Feeling of anger or rage particularly if the present parent
experiences difficulty of managing the absence or if the
responsibilities and house rules are becoming stricter
for the teenager;
Do not have too high expectations.
Give them responsibilities according to
their age. Give them the right to express
their anger or rage in an acceptable
manner.
Feeling of being responsible for the family;
Culpability and depression;
More distant, often outside the house.
ACTIVITY SUGGESTIONS
Here are some activities to plan with your family during a deployment.
Calendar
Help your child count the days until mom or dad’s return. Handcraft a calendar or use one you already have on hand.
Each day, your child draws a smiley face, a sun, or puts funny stickers on the calendar
and for the parent’s return day; he or she can draw a star.
Deployment Map
Before your departure, you can copy a map of the location where you will be deployed.
With your children, draw the route you will be traveling. They will have the impression of traveling with you.
“Jelly beans” Jar
Count the number of days between the departure day and the return for the vacation. Put in a jar as much “Jelly beans”
(or any other candy) as the remaining days. Everyday, the child eats a candy and will realize that the quantity decreases.
Repeat for the other half of the deployment.
The chain links
Count the number of days between the deployment and the return for the vacation.
Make a chain equalizing the number of links and days left. Everyday, the child can remove a link.
15

Some funny ideas
Family stress box
When the members of the family seem a little stressed, why not do something out of the ordinary?
Create a “stress box” that contains a variety of ideas such as:
Do a picnic in the middle of the living room;
Put your bathing as you awere going to the suit beach and have fun in the bathtub;
Eat your meal starting by the dessert.
Family meeting
Once a week, reserve one special day for your family. It is a good time to plan a fun activity such as a dinner at a restaurant,
going to the movies, simply relaxing at home in pyjamas while playing board games, or watching a good movie.
Communication night
Communication is very important to keep your family bond together and it can be very amusing too. Choose an evening and put
together a parcel, write a journal, or create a video or an audiotape for your loved one.
BIBLIOGRAPHY REFERENCES
VESTAL Logan, Kathleen, Le cycle émotionnel d’un déploiement.
LESTER, Marianne, Quand papa va revenir à la maison.
Les 3 cahiers d’activités ont été traduits de l’anglais au français. Les originaux proviennent de Scriptographic Booklets by Channing L.
Bete Co. Inc. Voici les titres originaux : Military families are special, Until your parent comes home again et Your parent is coming home.
Un déploiement moins stressant, Directeur des services de santé (soins) 1994.
Guide pour la famille, Édition III, Plan de soutien du commandement de la force terrestre, Opérations maintien de la paix.
Programme Carrousel. Mieux vivre une absence prolongée ateliers d’information,
Centre Multi-Services des ressources familiales de Valcartier, Juin 1993.
CRFM DE LA RCN, site web (1999) section déploiement.
www.mfrc.ncr.org/français/deployment.html.
PAQUETTE, Cheryl, Deployment coordinator, CRFM à Petawawa, The Deployment Ressource Manuel, (2002).
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NOTES
17

NOTES
18

CRFM Bagotville / MFRC Bagotville
CP. 280 Alouette (Québec) G0V 1A0
418 677-7468 • 418 677-4468
www.crfmbagotville.com
Conception: