How to Better Cope with a Prolonged Absence… A Guide for Families
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<strong>How</strong> <strong>to</strong> better cope<br />
<strong>with</strong> a prolonged<br />
absence
CONTENTS<br />
Introduction 4<br />
<strong>How</strong> <strong>to</strong> prepare <strong>for</strong> a deployment? 4<br />
Military personnel 4<br />
For the one who stays behind 5<br />
Single parent 5<br />
Children 5<br />
Deployment 6<br />
Emotional cycle of the deployment 6<br />
Practical advice <strong>for</strong> the one who stays behind 9<br />
During the deployment 9<br />
My expectations and my feelings 10<br />
For the one who stays behind 10<br />
Military personnel 11<br />
Planning the return 12<br />
For the one who stays behind 12<br />
Military personnel 12<br />
Children facing a prolonged absence 13<br />
Activity suggestions 15<br />
Calendar 15<br />
Deployment map 15<br />
The ‘’jelly beans’’ jar 15<br />
The chain links 15<br />
Some funny ideas 16<br />
Family stress box 16<br />
Family meeting 16<br />
Communication night 16<br />
Bibliography references 16<br />
Notes 17
INTRODUCTION<br />
A good preparation is a significant asset <strong>to</strong> face a prolonged absence. As a result, this booklet has been created <strong>for</strong> you. While reading<br />
the following pages, you will find useful advice, in<strong>for</strong>mation, and <strong>to</strong>ols that will help you <strong>to</strong> better understand the emotions related <strong>to</strong><br />
a deployment. In addition, you will discover, amongst other things, the emotional stages of a deployment.<br />
Moreover, each family member will find relevant in<strong>for</strong>mation which will help everyone <strong>to</strong> cope <strong>with</strong> a deployment. Furthermore, at the<br />
end, we are suggesting some fun family activities. Take some time <strong>to</strong> read this booklet. It will be useful be<strong>for</strong>e, during, and after the<br />
deployment.<br />
Happy reading! Do not hesitate <strong>to</strong> contact a friend or a significant other if you feel the need. We, at the MFRC, are always available <strong>to</strong><br />
support you or answer your questions.<br />
HOW TO PREPARE FOR A DEPLOYMENT?<br />
People living the military life say that getting ready <strong>for</strong> a deployment becomes a normal mode of operation. What should be done<br />
when the military spouse must leave on short notice <strong>for</strong> an exercise or when, suddenly, this person is sent abroad <strong>with</strong> the unit <strong>for</strong><br />
an indefinite period of time?<br />
Military personnel<br />
Explain <strong>to</strong> your family your role in the Canadian Forces. Take them <strong>for</strong> a visit <strong>to</strong> our work place and describe your tasks.<br />
Be honest. Specify the type of schedule that you will have and describe the deployment location.<br />
(Time zone, language, different culture, etc.)<br />
Prepare your luggage early in order <strong>to</strong> spend the last evening <strong>with</strong> your family.<br />
Allow yourself some privileged time <strong>with</strong> your children and your spouse.<br />
Let your family members know that even if you like your work, it is difficult <strong>for</strong> you <strong>to</strong> leave them.<br />
Tell them that you will miss them as much as they will miss you.<br />
Prepare in advance some cards or little messages <strong>for</strong> special events (Anniversary, Christmas etc…)<br />
4
For the one who stays behind<br />
Create a support network (people you can contact day and night). Make sure you know the emergency numbers (deployment<br />
support centre, health in<strong>for</strong>mation, social in<strong>for</strong>mation, police <strong>for</strong>ces, etc). Make contact <strong>with</strong> other spouses and your spouse’s unit.<br />
Ensure <strong>to</strong> know a person (friend or neighbour) who will be able <strong>to</strong> take care of your children on short notice if need arises.<br />
Do not <strong>for</strong>get that you are also a human being, not only a person in a relationship. Be<strong>for</strong>e your spouse’s departure, take notes of the<br />
budget; achieve tasks that normally the other person carries out (like mowing the lawn <strong>for</strong> example, oil change <strong>for</strong> your car, etc).<br />
Make a list of things that you have always wanted <strong>to</strong> do, but never had time <strong>to</strong> do it.<br />
Single parent<br />
Plan in advance all the details concerning your deployment, your house, etc.<br />
Organize special activities; spend as much time as possible <strong>with</strong> your children.<br />
If your ex-spouse cannot take care of the children during the deployment,<br />
it would be important <strong>to</strong> find a significant person (guardian) who knows them and could deal <strong>with</strong> them.<br />
If your children are staying <strong>with</strong> your ex-spouse, try <strong>to</strong> maintain a good relationship and stay in contact.<br />
As much as possible, leave the children in the same environment so the routine is not turned upside down.<br />
Ensure that the current social network remains present near the children.<br />
Children<br />
Talk <strong>to</strong> your children a long time in advance about your separation, except if they are <strong>to</strong>o young <strong>to</strong> understand.<br />
This will give them time <strong>to</strong> think about the deployment, time <strong>to</strong> accept it, and <strong>to</strong> get used <strong>to</strong> their feelings about the separation.<br />
Explain <strong>to</strong> them the importance of your mission and let them know how much they will be missed.<br />
Listen and let your children express what they feel <strong>to</strong>ward the separation. Do not leave them aside.<br />
Plan special family activities be<strong>for</strong>e your departure. Take pictures of you or make a video that they can view while you are away.<br />
Read <strong>to</strong> your children some of their favourite s<strong>to</strong>ries and record them on a tape or CD.<br />
Suggest <strong>to</strong> your children <strong>to</strong> write a letter, <strong>to</strong> make a drawing or craft, and <strong>to</strong> place it in your luggage as a surprise.<br />
5
DEPLOYMENT<br />
A deployment affects all family members. It is a very stressful situation <strong>for</strong> everyone. It requires a physical and emotional plan <strong>for</strong> the soldier, spouse,<br />
and their children; it is also true <strong>for</strong> the extended family or friends’ network. All close relationships are affected by a deployment. Consequently,<br />
knowing more about the <strong>to</strong>pic can reduce the stress level <strong>for</strong> the family members and can help them during this period.<br />
Emotional cycle of the deployment<br />
Step<br />
Be<strong>for</strong>e a<br />
deployment<br />
1- Anticipation of the loss<br />
Possible reactions:<br />
Excitement, denial, fear, anger, resentment, stress, sorrow, insomnia,<br />
frustration, unstable mood, and unstable energy level.<br />
Some advice:<br />
Description<br />
Give yourself the right <strong>to</strong> feel and express your emotions;<br />
Encourage all the family members <strong>to</strong> share their feelings;<br />
Re-affirm your love and your engagement <strong>to</strong>wards your partner;<br />
Involve the whole family in the preparation of a prolonged absence;<br />
Create special occasions, which will become happy memories;<br />
Try <strong>to</strong> perceive the deployment as an opportunity of personal growth;<br />
Remember that a deployment is only a temporary situation;<br />
Pass through the memoranda <strong>with</strong> your partner;<br />
Establish realistic goals <strong>for</strong> yourself during the deployment.<br />
Duration<br />
1 <strong>to</strong> 6 weeks<br />
be<strong>for</strong>e<br />
deployment<br />
2- Detachment and <strong>with</strong>drawal<br />
Possible reactions<br />
This is the most difficult stage;<br />
Emotional detachment from the person who leaves;<br />
Discouragement, hopelessness, lack of energy, tiredness, and impatience;<br />
Reduction of emotional connection and sexual intimacy.<br />
Some advice:<br />
Accept your feelings as being normal, these reactions;<br />
are based on difficult circumstances and not as a sign of rejection;<br />
Communicate as openly and honestly as possible;<br />
Be patient <strong>with</strong> yourself and your family members.<br />
Last week<br />
be<strong>for</strong>e<br />
deployment<br />
6
Step<br />
3- Emotional disorganization<br />
Possible reactions:<br />
Feeling neglected and alone;<br />
Loss, emptiness, and loneliness;<br />
Anger, depression, and confusion;<br />
Disorganization;<br />
Stress, insomnia, and fatigue;<br />
Culpability and fear of infidelity;<br />
Feeling relieved.<br />
Some advice:<br />
Keep in <strong>to</strong>uch;<br />
Try <strong>to</strong> end your phone calls on a positive note;<br />
(the wait can be long until the next phone call);<br />
Share as much in<strong>for</strong>mation as you can about your daily life and work;<br />
Take care of yourself;<br />
Participate in <strong>for</strong>mal or in<strong>for</strong>mal support groups, activities, volunteer work, etc.<br />
4- Recovery and stabilization<br />
Possible reactions:<br />
Realizing that she/he is managing well;<br />
Redistribution of roles and responsibilities;<br />
Increase of self-confidence, au<strong>to</strong>nomy, and independence.<br />
Some advice:<br />
Description<br />
Be indulgent <strong>with</strong> yourself; accept the fact that you do<br />
not have control on everything;<br />
Pay attention <strong>to</strong> your children’s emotions and questions;<br />
Benefit from your freedom, your independence, and new acquired skills;<br />
Do not <strong>for</strong>get <strong>to</strong> take time <strong>for</strong> yourself;<br />
Be able <strong>to</strong> recognize the new assets acquired by the family members<br />
(better self-confidence, new network of support, au<strong>to</strong>nomy...);<br />
Confide <strong>to</strong> a close friend that you trust or <strong>to</strong> your deployment support coordina<strong>to</strong>r;<br />
Re-affirm <strong>with</strong> your partner that you cannot wait <strong>for</strong> this separation <strong>to</strong> be over.<br />
Duration<br />
First 6 weeks<br />
Variable duration<br />
(between stages<br />
3 and 5)<br />
7
Step<br />
5- Anticipate the return<br />
Possible reactions:<br />
Apprehension, <strong>to</strong> cast doubt over anxiety;<br />
Excitement and high expectations;<br />
Increase of energy;<br />
Concerns and confusion;<br />
Difficulty <strong>to</strong> take decisions.<br />
Some advice:<br />
Description<br />
Have realistic expectations <strong>to</strong>ward your spouse’s homecoming;<br />
Re-affirm your love and your commitment <strong>to</strong> your partner;<br />
Include your children in the planning of a welcome home party;<br />
Plan family time <strong>to</strong>gether;<br />
Trust only the official in<strong>for</strong>mation regarding the return (date, hour, and place);<br />
Do not pay attention <strong>to</strong> rumours (in order not <strong>to</strong> create false expectations).<br />
Duration<br />
Last 6 weeks<br />
of deployment<br />
6- Renegotiate the terms of relation<br />
Possible reactions:<br />
Discom<strong>for</strong>t, grieving loss of freedom, and independence;<br />
Confusion of roles;<br />
Satisfaction;<br />
Happiness and excitement.<br />
Some advice:<br />
Relearn <strong>to</strong> know yourself (weekend gateway, romantic dinner...);<br />
Accept your feelings like being normal and not a threat <strong>to</strong> your relationship;<br />
Be patient <strong>with</strong> yourself and your partner;<br />
Renegotiate your roles and your responsibilities;<br />
The tasks can always be shared and might be different;<br />
Express your needs, expectations, and emotions.<br />
First 6 weeks<br />
at home<br />
8
Step<br />
7- Reintegration and stabilization<br />
Possible reactions:<br />
Acceptance of the new roles;<br />
The feeling of being a couple again.<br />
Description<br />
Duration<br />
6 - 12 weeks<br />
Some advice:<br />
Continue <strong>to</strong> take part in your support network;<br />
Do not hesitate <strong>to</strong> consult someone (priest, social worker, or doc<strong>to</strong>r) if you<br />
perceive signs of post-traumatic stress disorder or <strong>for</strong> any other reason;<br />
Evaluate the agreements that you negotiated after the return.<br />
ADVICE FOR THE ONE WHO STAYS BEHIND<br />
During the deployment<br />
Keep in <strong>to</strong>uch <strong>with</strong> the person who is away (letters, pho<strong>to</strong>graphs, or Internet).<br />
Hold a diary where you will note some significant or insignificant events in order<br />
<strong>to</strong> in<strong>for</strong>m the deployed spouse of what is going on at home. (Drawings, pictures, etc.)<br />
In<strong>for</strong>m your child’s teacher about the deployment in order <strong>to</strong> prevent the abrupt changes of behaviour.<br />
As much as possible, keep the same routine at home.<br />
Distribute daily tasks between all the family members by taking in consideration their age and their potential.<br />
Do not <strong>for</strong>get, the priorities will probably have <strong>to</strong> be modified, because there is so much <strong>to</strong> do.<br />
Listen <strong>to</strong> your emotions and your children’s feeling.<br />
Take care of yourself; take some time out <strong>for</strong> you, relax...<br />
9
MY EXPECTATIONS AND MY FEELINGS<br />
For the one who stays behind.<br />
What are the things that changed about me and my children since the departure? At home?<br />
What are my expectations in my relationship?<br />
What are my expectations about my spouse’s attitude <strong>to</strong>wards the children?<br />
What are my expectations <strong>to</strong>wards the tasks in the house?<br />
What are my feelings <strong>to</strong>wards my spouse’s homecoming?<br />
10
For the Military member.<br />
What are the things that changed about me, <strong>with</strong> my contacts, <strong>with</strong> my spouse,<br />
and in my interpersonal relation since my departure?<br />
What are my expectations in my relationship?<br />
What are my expectations about the children’s attitude <strong>to</strong>wards me?<br />
What are my expectations <strong>to</strong>wards my reinstatement in the household tasks?<br />
What are my feelings <strong>to</strong>wards my return <strong>with</strong> my family?<br />
11
PLANNING THE RETURN<br />
A family who is ready <strong>for</strong> a deployment must also be prepared <strong>for</strong> the reunion. Be realistic, you will probably have <strong>to</strong> adapt or face some<br />
difficulties concerning your partner’s return.<br />
Communication is the successful key <strong>to</strong> a great reunion and a happy family. It is necessary that all family members can express their<br />
feelings and concerns. If all family members listen <strong>to</strong> each other, it will be easier <strong>to</strong> find balance.<br />
Every long separation involves changes. Your lifestyle will certainly change. It will depend on both parents <strong>to</strong> guarantee the success<br />
of the family relation when the family members are <strong>to</strong>gether and when they are separated. Knowing how <strong>to</strong> plan will certainly help <strong>to</strong><br />
bring the couple closer and rein<strong>for</strong>ce the bonds.<br />
The one who stays behind<br />
Do not wait <strong>for</strong> everything <strong>to</strong> be perfect;<br />
Communication is very important;<br />
Speak openly and honestly about your concerns and fears;<br />
Discuss about everyone’s old and new responsibilities; clearly redefine the role of each family member;<br />
Remember that the person who has been deployed was probably receiving orders or under a strict routine.<br />
This person could not approve the pre-organized schedules or events. Leave room <strong>for</strong> spontaneity;<br />
Plan time <strong>to</strong> res<strong>to</strong>re your sexual intimacy;<br />
Sleep disturbances can occur. The deployed person is used <strong>to</strong> a smaller bed or the presence of other people while sleeping;<br />
Expect your spouse <strong>to</strong> be surprised that you can manage on your own;<br />
Reassure this person and tell him/her that you need his/her assistance, <strong>with</strong>out giving up your independency.<br />
Military member<br />
Do not disturb a family organization that functions well <strong>with</strong>out you;<br />
Enter the family organization gradually. Try <strong>to</strong> benefit from your statute “of honourable guest” <strong>for</strong> a while;<br />
Do not try <strong>to</strong> involve yourself in the household finances <strong>to</strong>o quickly. There are chances that your spouse <strong>to</strong>ok good care of it;<br />
Expect your spouse <strong>to</strong> feel envious <strong>to</strong>ward your trips. A good idea would be <strong>to</strong> bring back a gift;<br />
Expect <strong>to</strong> find your spouse <strong>to</strong> be different, independent, and more confident;<br />
<strong>How</strong>ever, the fact that she/he can manage <strong>with</strong>out you does not mean that she/he does not need your assistance;<br />
Expect your children <strong>to</strong> be reticent and even shy at your arrival. Perhaps, you will have <strong>to</strong> re-establish<br />
the bonds <strong>with</strong> your children. They must get acquainted <strong>with</strong> you all over again.;<br />
Try not <strong>to</strong> apply excessive discipline <strong>to</strong>ward your children at the beginning of your return;<br />
Devote quality time <strong>for</strong> each child. Moreover, when you wonder what <strong>to</strong> do, hug your children.<br />
Be patient <strong>to</strong>wards your couple, your children, and yourself! It can take weeks and even months be<strong>for</strong>e things come back the way they<br />
were be<strong>for</strong>e. Remember that nobody is the same as be<strong>for</strong>e, because we all continued <strong>to</strong> grow.<br />
12
CHILDREN AND A PROLONGED ABSENCE<br />
The period preceding a deployment is stressful <strong>for</strong> parents and children. In the event of a deployment, family members will feel a<br />
loss of stability and well-being. Children may not understand why one of their parents must leave them. They are often confused and<br />
sometimes feel rejected by the family member who remains <strong>with</strong> them.<br />
Children have a hard time expressing their worries and their feelings, often, their behaviour shows resentment, desire of revenge, and<br />
culpability relating <strong>to</strong> their emotions. Instability is disturbing <strong>for</strong> the children. They want things <strong>to</strong> remain unchanged. When changes<br />
occur, children do not usually have any release system <strong>for</strong> their anxiety and do not know where <strong>to</strong> find the appropriate support.<br />
..<br />
Age group<br />
Possible reactions<br />
Useful advice<br />
0 <strong>to</strong> 5 years old<br />
They cry more frequently;<br />
Irritability (Tantrum);<br />
Regressive behaviour (do not want <strong>to</strong> eat by themselves,<br />
suck their thumb, etc.);<br />
They change their sleeping habits;<br />
More possessive;<br />
They feel that the routine is broken;<br />
They fear that the parent will not return (Insecurity);<br />
Record the voice of the absent spouse.<br />
Give them more attention, especially at<br />
the beginning of the absence.<br />
Reassure them (confirm that the<br />
absence is only temporary).<br />
Answer your children’s questions.<br />
5 <strong>to</strong> 6 years old<br />
They feel guilty about the parent’s departure;<br />
Higher anxiety;<br />
Increase in a aggressive behaviour;<br />
Inattentive and dream while awaked;<br />
Tantrums are still present.<br />
Recognize your child’s emotions.<br />
Confirm (ex: it is correct <strong>to</strong> feel like that).<br />
Keep realistic expectations regarding<br />
their outputs in school or at home.<br />
Let the crisis pass be<strong>for</strong>e providing an<br />
emotive support and start again the<br />
communication.<br />
13
Age group<br />
5 <strong>to</strong> 6 years old<br />
7 <strong>to</strong> 10 years old<br />
Possible reaction<br />
Deep sadness and difficulty in com<strong>for</strong>ting themselves;<br />
Feeling of being abandoned<br />
(fear that the parent will not return);<br />
Useful advice<br />
Make sure the child knows that the<br />
deployed parent did not leave because<br />
of he/she does not love them.<br />
Encourage the child <strong>to</strong> communicate<br />
<strong>with</strong> the absent parent.<br />
Reassure the child.<br />
11 <strong>to</strong> 12 years old<br />
Insecurity;<br />
Let them know that the deployed parent is leaving <strong>to</strong> do a<br />
special job <strong>for</strong> our country and that he/she plans <strong>to</strong> return<br />
as soon as possible;<br />
Feeling of being abandoned;<br />
Impression <strong>to</strong> be a burden;<br />
Feeling isolated;<br />
Defying authority;<br />
Let your children express their fears<br />
and sadness.<br />
Standardize emotions, (ex: it is normal<br />
that you have sorrows, mom / dad <strong>to</strong>o?!)<br />
Be honest <strong>with</strong> your own emotions. Do<br />
not hide them <strong>to</strong> your children. It will<br />
help them affirming their own emotions.<br />
Reassure them.<br />
Let them communicate<br />
<strong>with</strong> the absent parent.<br />
Trust them and give them<br />
new responsibilities.<br />
They feel that their needs are <strong>to</strong>o much or not enough<br />
fulfilled;<br />
Fear that something might happen <strong>to</strong> the remaining parent,<br />
such as sickness or death;<br />
Anger <strong>to</strong>wards the remaining parent or the deployed one;<br />
They experience some difficulties in their relationships<br />
<strong>with</strong> others (friends, teachers, etc.).<br />
Define <strong>with</strong> them their needs and make<br />
sure they are realistic.<br />
Keep the same level of discipline and<br />
do not blame the absent parent. Ask <strong>for</strong><br />
their support.<br />
Support the expression of their anger in<br />
an acceptable manner.<br />
14
Age group<br />
Possible reaction<br />
Useful advice<br />
13 <strong>to</strong> 18 years old Feeling of being abandoned, isolated, and emptiness;<br />
Feeling of anger or rage particularly if the present parent<br />
experiences difficulty of managing the absence or if the<br />
responsibilities and house rules are becoming stricter<br />
<strong>for</strong> the teenager;<br />
Do not have <strong>to</strong>o high expectations.<br />
Give them responsibilities according <strong>to</strong><br />
their age. Give them the right <strong>to</strong> express<br />
their anger or rage in an acceptable<br />
manner.<br />
Feeling of being responsible <strong>for</strong> the family;<br />
Culpability and depression;<br />
More distant, often outside the house.<br />
ACTIVITY SUGGESTIONS<br />
Here are some activities <strong>to</strong> plan <strong>with</strong> your family during a deployment.<br />
Calendar<br />
Help your child count the days until mom or dad’s return. Handcraft a calendar or use one you already have on hand.<br />
Each day, your child draws a smiley face, a sun, or puts funny stickers on the calendar<br />
and <strong>for</strong> the parent’s return day; he or she can draw a star.<br />
Deployment Map<br />
Be<strong>for</strong>e your departure, you can copy a map of the location where you will be deployed.<br />
With your children, draw the route you will be traveling. They will have the impression of traveling <strong>with</strong> you.<br />
“Jelly beans” Jar<br />
Count the number of days between the departure day and the return <strong>for</strong> the vacation. Put in a jar as much “Jelly beans”<br />
(or any other candy) as the remaining days. Everyday, the child eats a candy and will realize that the quantity decreases.<br />
Repeat <strong>for</strong> the other half of the deployment.<br />
The chain links<br />
Count the number of days between the deployment and the return <strong>for</strong> the vacation.<br />
Make a chain equalizing the number of links and days left. Everyday, the child can remove a link.<br />
15
Some funny ideas<br />
Family stress box<br />
When the members of the family seem a little stressed, why not do something out of the ordinary?<br />
Create a “stress box” that contains a variety of ideas such as:<br />
Do a picnic in the middle of the living room;<br />
Put your bathing as you awere going <strong>to</strong> the suit beach and have fun in the bathtub;<br />
Eat your meal starting by the dessert.<br />
Family meeting<br />
Once a week, reserve one special day <strong>for</strong> your family. It is a good time <strong>to</strong> plan a fun activity such as a dinner at a restaurant,<br />
going <strong>to</strong> the movies, simply relaxing at home in pyjamas while playing board games, or watching a good movie.<br />
Communication night<br />
Communication is very important <strong>to</strong> keep your family bond <strong>to</strong>gether and it can be very amusing <strong>to</strong>o. Choose an evening and put<br />
<strong>to</strong>gether a parcel, write a journal, or create a video or an audiotape <strong>for</strong> your loved one.<br />
BIBLIOGRAPHY REFERENCES<br />
VESTAL Logan, Kathleen, Le cycle émotionnel d’un déploiement.<br />
LESTER, Marianne, Quand papa va revenir à la maison.<br />
Les 3 cahiers d’activités ont été traduits de l’anglais au français. Les originaux proviennent de Scrip<strong>to</strong>graphic Booklets by Channing L.<br />
Bete Co. Inc. Voici les titres originaux : Military families are special, Until your parent comes home again et Your parent is coming home.<br />
Un déploiement moins stressant, Directeur des services de santé (soins) 1994.<br />
<strong>Guide</strong> pour la famille, Édition III, Plan de soutien du commandement de la <strong>for</strong>ce terrestre, Opérations maintien de la paix.<br />
Programme Carrousel. Mieux vivre une absence prolongée ateliers d’in<strong>for</strong>mation,<br />
Centre Multi-Services des ressources familiales de Valcartier, Juin 1993.<br />
CRFM DE LA RCN, site web (1999) section déploiement.<br />
www.mfrc.ncr.org/français/deployment.html.<br />
PAQUETTE, Cheryl, Deployment coordina<strong>to</strong>r, CRFM à Petawawa, The Deployment Ressource Manuel, (2002).<br />
16
NOTES<br />
17
NOTES<br />
18
CRFM Bagotville / MFRC Bagotville<br />
CP. 280 Alouette (Québec) G0V 1A0<br />
418 677-7468 • 418 677-4468<br />
www.crfmbagotville.com<br />
Conception: