583495793235

going to go back to school soon. He’s going to meet some girl, and he’s going to be her
Olly. You understand me?”
I know she’s just trying to protect me, just as I was trying to protect myself a few short
weeks ago, but her words make me aware that the heart in my chest is a muscle like any
other. It can hurt.
“I understand,” I say quietly.
“Spend some time with your mother. Boys come and go, but mothers are forever.”
I’m sure she’s said these very same words to her Rosa.
“All right.” She hands me back the remote. Together we watch the unmoving screen.
She pushes down on the tops of her knees with both hands and rises.
“Did you mean it?” I ask her when she’s halfway across the room.
“Mean what?”
“You said that love couldn’t kill me.”
“Yes, but it might kill your mother.” She manages a small smile.
I hold my breath, waiting.
“OK, fine. You can still see him, but you have to get some sense into you. You
understand?”
I nod my agreement and turn the television off. Ethan Hunt vanishes.
I spend the rest of the day in the sunroom away from Carla. I’m not angry at Carla, but
I’m not not angry either. All my doubts about keeping Olly a secret from my mom have
vanished. I can’t believe that one canceled date with her almost led to my not being able
to see Olly again. Before, I was worried about keeping secrets from her. Now, I’m worried
about not being able to have any secrets at all. I know she’s not upset that I bought new
clothes. She’s upset that I didn’t ask her opinion and bought them in colors that she
didn’t expect. She’s upset with the change she didn’t see coming. I resent and understand
it at the same time. She’s had to control so many things to keep me safe in my bubble.
And she’s not wrong. I have been distracted when I’m with her, my mind constantly
tuning into Radio Olly. I know she’s not wrong. But still I resent it. Isn’t growing apart a
part of growing up? Don’t I get to have even this bit of normalcy?
Even so, I feel guilty. She’s devoted her entire life to me. Who am I to throw that away
at the first sign of love?
Carla eventually finds me for our 4 P.M. checkup.
“Is there such a thing as sudden onset schizophrenia?” I ask.
“Why? You have it?”
“Maybe.”
“Am I talking to good Maddy or bad Maddy right now?”
“Unclear.”
She pats my hand. “Be good to your mama. You’re all she has.”