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THE END IS THE BEGINNING IS THE END
I OPEN THE present from my mom. It’s a phone. It’s open to a weather app with the
forecast for the week—bright and sunny, every day.
I have to get out of the house. I go outside, not knowing where I’m going until I get
there. Fortunately, the ladder is right where Olly left it. I climb up to his roof.
The orrery’s still there and still beautiful. The tinfoil suns and moons and stars dangle
and twist and reflect the sun’s rays back out into the bigger universe. I nudge one of the
planets and the entire system rotates slowly. I understand why Olly made it. It’s soothing
to see an entire world at once—to see the pieces and know how it all fits together.
Was it really just five months ago that I was last up here? It feels like a lifetime ago,
like several lifetimes. And the girl that was here? Was that really me? Do I have anything
in common with that past Maddy except a strong resemblance and a shared name?
When I was younger one of my favorite activities was imagining alternate-universe
versions of myself. Sometimes I was a rosy-cheeked outdoorsy girl who ate flowers and
hiked alone, uphill, for miles. Or I was a skydiving, drag-racing, adrenaline-fueled
daredevil. Or a chain mail–wearing, sword-swinging dragon slayer. It was fun to imagine
those things because I already knew who I was. Now I don’t know anything. I don’t know
who I’m supposed to be in my new world.
I keep trying to pinpoint the moment when everything changed. The moment that set
my life on this path. Was it when my dad and brother died, or was it before that? Was it
when they first got into the car on the day they died? Was it when my brother was born?
Or when my mom and dad met? Or when my mom was born? Maybe it was none of
those. Maybe it was when the truck driver decided he wasn’t too tired to drive. Or when
he decided to become a truck driver in the first place. Or when he was born.
Or any of the infinite number of moments that led to this one.
So, if I could change one moment, which one would I pick? And would I get the results
I want? Would I still be Maddy? Would I have lived in this house? Would a boy named
Olly have moved in next door? Would we have fallen in love?
Chaos theory says that even a small change in initial conditions can lead to wildly
unpredictable results. A butterfly flaps her wings now and a hurricane forms in the
future.
Still.
I think if I could just find the moment, I could take it apart piece by piece, molecule by
molecule, until I got down to the atomic level, until I got to the part that was inviolate and
essential. If I could take it apart and understand it then maybe I could make just exactly
the right change.