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MADELINE’S DICTIONARY sus•pi•cion (səˈspiSHən) n. pl. -s 1. The truth you don’t believe, can’t believe, won’t believe: Her suspicion of her mother keeps her awake all night. | She had a burgeoning suspicion that the world was laughing at her. [2015, Whittier]
IDENTITY CARLA’S BARELY IN the door before I’m on her with the letter. She reads it and her eyes widen with each sentence. She grips my forearm. “Where did you get this?” “Keep reading,” I say. The charts and measurements will mean more to her than they did to me. I watch her face and try to understand what is happening in my world. I’d expected her to dismiss the letter out of hand just as Mom did, but her reaction is…different. “Have you shown this to your mother?” I nod, mute. “What did she say?” “That it was a mistake.” I’m whispering, hiding from the sound of my own voice. She searches my face for a long time. “We need to find out,” she says. “Find out what?” “If it’s true or not.” “How could it be true? That would mean—” “Shh, shh. We don’t know anything yet.” We don’t know anything? Of course we do. We know that I’m sick. That I’m not allowed to leave my house on pain of death. I’ve always known this. It is who I am. “What’s going on?” I demand. “What are you hiding from me?” “No, no. I’m not hiding anything.” “What does this mean?” She sighs, and it is long and deep and weary. “I swear I don’t know anything. But sometimes I suspect.” “Suspect what?” “Sometimes I think maybe your mama’s not quite right. Maybe she never recovered from what happened to your papa and brother.” The oxygen in the room is replaced by something else, something thin and notbreathable. Time does slow down now and I get a kind of tunnel vision. The walls are much too close and Carla recedes away from me, a small figure at the end of a very long hallway. Tunnel vision gives way to vertigo. I’m unsteady on my feet and then nauseous. I run to the bathroom and dry heave into the sink. Carla comes in as I’m splashing water on my face. She puts her hand on my back and I sink under the weight of it. I’m insubstantial. I’m
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This is a work of fiction. Names, c
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C O N T E N T S Cover Title Page Co
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More Than This Nurse Evil Neighborh
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Takeoff Forgiveness Life is Short T
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THE WHITE ROOM I’VE READ MANY mor
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SCID ROW MY DISEASE IS as rare as i
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“Perfect.” My mom peers over my
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STAYS THE SAME I’M READING ON my
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ALIEN INVASION, PART 2 I’M UP TO
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THE WELCOME COMMITTEE “CARLA,”
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NEIGHBORHOOD WATCH HIS MOM’S SCHE
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I SPY HIS FAMILY CALLS him Olly. We
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The bell rings again. My mom half r
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PIÈCE DE REJECTION BACK IN MY room
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I don’t think Carla has ever said
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FIRST CONTACT TWO DAYS PASS and I
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NIGHT FOUR I CAN’T STAND it. I pe
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NIGHT SIX THE BUNDT IS lying on a w
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FIRST CONTACT, PART TWO From: Madel
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Wednesday, 8:15 P.M. FIRST CONTACT,
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Olly: curiouser and curiouser madel
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Madeline: She must love somebody. I
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Olly: no. he made me quit the mathl
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Olly: come to the window Madeline:
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figure is different. This time he
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“Well, if I didn’t know before
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TWO HOURS LATER I TRY AGAIN. “It
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LATER STILL “PLEASE, CARLA—”
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“You trying to talk me out of it?
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OLLY THE SUNROOM IS my favorite roo
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he’s still, I can feel the need t
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DIAGNOSIS
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WONDERLAND AND IT’S THE wanting t
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MAKES YOU STRONGER THERE’S NO E-M
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NO YES MAYBE Monday, 8:09 P.M. Made
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TIME CARLA MAKES US wait a week bef
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FORECAST OLLY’S ON THE wall again
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There are too many inputs to the fo
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SECRETS MY CONSTANT IMING with Olly
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NUMEROLOGY NUMBER OF: minutes it to
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OLLY SAYS HE’S NOT ON the wall wh
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Olly finds himself getting angry, t
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going to go back to school soon. He
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UPSIDE DOWN NORMAL PEOPLE PACE when
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my finger in the palm of his hand.
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FRIENDSHIP Later, 8:16 P.M. Olly: y
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LIFE AND DEATH OLLY’S NOT ON the
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HONESTLY Later, 8:03 P.M. Olly: no
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preparing for a bout. He’s trying
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THE THIRD MADDY I’M ALMOST ASLEEP
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“That’s enough now,” my mom s
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MIRROR IMAGE I PULL THE curtains as
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MORE THAN THIS MY MOM WORDLESSLY kn
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NURSE EVIL MY NEW NURSE is an unsmi
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I stare at the note, remembering th
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HIGHER EDUCATION WITH OLLY BACK in
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ALOHA MEANS HELLO AND GOOD -BYE, PA
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LATER, 9:08 P.M. OLLY’S ALREADY W
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THE GLASS WALL A WEEK LATER, someth
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HALF LIFE IT’S A STRANGE thing to
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THE FIVE SENSES HEARING The alarm
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“Maddy—” “I’ll explain ev
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At first I’m not sure what I’m
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HAPPY ALREADY “MADS, BE SERIOUS.
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I reach over and take his hand. “
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eyes. “I must’ve missed a lot o
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TTYL
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THE CAROUSEL “I’VE DECIDED BAGG
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MADELINE’S DICTIONARY prom•ise
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And, too, the world is in me.
Page 157 and 158: REWARD IF FOUND OUR HOTEL SITS righ
Page 159 and 160: three meals and two snacks exactly
Page 161 and 162: eathed the same filtered air for so
Page 163 and 164: GUIDE TO HAWAIIAN REEF FISH
Page 165 and 166: I’m sure I don’t want him to. *
Page 167 and 168: ZACH BACK AT THE hotel, Olly calls
Page 169 and 170: Do you have my daughter? Is she OK?
Page 171 and 172: THE MURPHY BED IT’S LATE AFTERNOO
Page 173 and 174: ALL THE WORDS I COME AWAKE slowly,
Page 175 and 176: MADELINE’S DICTIONARY in•fi•n
Page 177 and 178: THIS TIME OLLY SMILES. HE will not
Page 179 and 180: “Do you believe it?” he asks.
Page 181 and 182: THE END SOMEONE HAS PUT me in a hot
Page 183 and 184: My. Heart. Stops.
Page 185 and 186: RELEASED, PART ONE
Page 187 and 188: READMITTED MY MOM HAS transformed m
Page 189 and 190: RELEASED, PART TWO Wednesday, 6:56
Page 191 and 192: Madeline: but mine isn’t
Page 193 and 194: GEOGRAPHY I’M IN AN endless field
Page 195 and 196: LIFE IS SHORT SPOILER REVIEWS BY MA
Page 197 and 198: PRETENDING I’M STRONGER WITH each
Page 199 and 200: I’m trying not to focus on Olly,
Page 201 and 202: FIVE SYLLABLES A MONTH LATER, just
Page 203 and 204: HIS LAST LETTER IS HAIKU From: gene
Page 205 and 206: FOR MY EYES ONLY From: Dr. Melissa
Page 207: question if I have spoken after all
Page 211 and 212: PROOF OF LIFE ALL I HAVE to do is g
Page 213 and 214: have SCID?” Her concern morphs in
Page 215 and 216: I should feel compassion. But that
Page 217 and 218: THE VOID A UNIVERSE THAT can wink i
Page 219 and 220: “But my heart stopped.” “Yes.
Page 221 and 222: ONE WEEK A.D. I HAVE MY first weekl
Page 223 and 224: THREE WEEKS A.D. MY MOM TRIES to en
Page 225 and 226: FIVE WEEKS A.D. I ORDER REAL plants
Page 227 and 228: MADELINE’S MOM
Page 229 and 230: lot left.” We go back inside. I f
Page 231 and 232: THE END IS THE BEGINNING IS THE END
Page 233 and 234: FUTURE PERFECT #2 From: Madeline F.
Page 235 and 236: FORGIVENESS I STARE OUT the window
Page 237 and 238: THIS LIFE EVEN AT 9 A.M. on a Satur
Page 239: choices you make and all the choice
Page 242 and 243: ACKNOWLEDGMENTS YOU ARE TRULY a tho
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