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READMITTED<br />
MY MOM HAS transformed my bedroom into a hospital ward. I’m propped up by pillows<br />
in my bed and attached to an IV. I’m surrounded by monitoring equipment. I eat nothing<br />
but Jell-O.<br />
Each time I awake, she’s by my side. She touches my forehead and speaks to me.<br />
Sometimes I try to focus, to understand what she’s saying, but the sound is just out of my<br />
reach.<br />
I wake again sometime (hours? days?) later to find her standing over me, frowning at<br />
her clipboard. I close my eyes and take inventory of my body. Nothing hurts or, more<br />
accurately, nothing hurts too badly. I check in on my head, my throat, my legs. They’re all<br />
fine. I open my eyes again to find her about to put me back to sleep.<br />
“No!” I sit up much too quickly. I’m dizzy and nauseous at once. I mean to say I’m OK,<br />
but no sound comes out.<br />
I clear my throat and try again. “Please don’t make me sleep anymore.” I at least need<br />
to be awake if I’m going to be alive. “Am I OK?” I ask.<br />
“You’re OK. You’re going to be OK,” she says. Her voice trembles until it breaks.<br />
I pull myself to seated and look at her. Her skin is pale, almost translucent, and it’s<br />
stretched too tight across her face. A painful-looking blue vein stretches down from her<br />
hairline to her eyelid. I can see other blue veins just under the skin of her forearms and<br />
wrists. She has the frightened, disbelieving eyes of someone who witnessed something<br />
horrible and is waiting for more horrors to come.<br />
“How could you do this to yourself? You could’ve died,” she whispers.<br />
She steps closer, hugs a clipboard to her chest. “How could you do this to me? After<br />
everything?”<br />
I want to say something. I open my mouth to say it, but nothing comes out.<br />
My guilt is an ocean for me to drown in.<br />
I remain in bed after she leaves. I don’t get up to stretch my body. I turn my face away<br />
from the window. What do I regret? That I went outside in the first place. That I saw and<br />
fell in love with the world. That I fell in love with Olly. How can I live the rest of my life in<br />
this bubble now that I know all that I’m missing?<br />
I close my eyes and try to sleep. But the sight of my mom’s face earlier, all the<br />
desperate love in her eyes, won’t leave me. I decide then that love is a terrible, terrible<br />
thing. Loving someone as fiercely as my mom loves me must be like wearing your heart<br />
outside of your body with no skin, no bones, no nothing to protect it.