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REMEMBRANCE OF THINGS PRESENT I FEEL MUCH better after we grab a quick bite to eat. We need beach gear and, according to Olly, souvenirs, so we stop in a store called, helpfully, Maui Souvenir Shop and General Store. I don’t think I’ve ever seen so much stuff. I find myself overwhelmed with the sheer volume of it. Stacks and stacks of T-shirts and hats that say Maui, or Aloha, or some variation of that. Racks of hanging flower-patterned dresses in almost every color. Carousel after carousel of tchotchkes—key chains, shot glasses, magnets. One carousel is dedicated solely to surfboard key chains with stenciled names, alphabetically arranged. I search for Oliver or Madeline or Olly or Maddy, but don’t find any. Olly comes up behind me and wraps a single arm around my waist. I’m standing in front of a wall of calendars featuring shirtless surfers. They’re not unattractive. “I’m jealous,” he murmurs into my ear, and I laugh and rub my hands over his forearm. “You should be.” I reach for one of the calendars. “You’re not really—” “For Carla,” I say. “Sure, sure.” “What did you get?” I lean my head back against his chest. “Seashell necklace for my mom. Pineapple ashtray for Kara.” “Why do people buy all this stuff?” He holds me a little tighter. “It’s not so mysterious,” he says. “It’s so we remember to remember.” I turn in his arms, thinking how quickly it’s become my favorite place in the world. Familiar, foreign, comforting, and thrilling all at once. “I’m going to get this for Carla,” I say, brandishing the calendar. “And chocolate-covered macadamia nuts. And one of those dresses for myself.” “What about your mom?” What kind of memento do you get for the mother who has loved you your whole life, who has given up the world for you? Who you may never see again? Nothing will ever do, not really. I think back to the old photograph she showed me of all of us in Hawaii. I have no memory of it, no memory of being on that beach with her and my dad and my brother, but she does. She has memories of me, of a life that I don’t have at all. I pull away from Olly and wander around the store. By eighteen years old, other teenagers have separated from their parents. They leave home, have separate lives, make separate memories. But not me. My mom and I have shared the same closed space and
eathed the same filtered air for so long that it’s strange being here without her. It’s strange making memories that don’t include her. What will she do if I don’t make it home? Will she gather her memories of me close? Will she take them out and examine them and live them over and over again? I want to give her something of this time, of my time without her. Something to remember me by. I find a carousel with vintage postcards and I tell her the truth.
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This is a work of fiction. Names, c
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C O N T E N T S Cover Title Page Co
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More Than This Nurse Evil Neighborh
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Takeoff Forgiveness Life is Short T
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THE WHITE ROOM I’VE READ MANY mor
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SCID ROW MY DISEASE IS as rare as i
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“Perfect.” My mom peers over my
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STAYS THE SAME I’M READING ON my
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ALIEN INVASION, PART 2 I’M UP TO
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THE WELCOME COMMITTEE “CARLA,”
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NEIGHBORHOOD WATCH HIS MOM’S SCHE
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I SPY HIS FAMILY CALLS him Olly. We
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The bell rings again. My mom half r
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PIÈCE DE REJECTION BACK IN MY room
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I don’t think Carla has ever said
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FIRST CONTACT TWO DAYS PASS and I
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NIGHT FOUR I CAN’T STAND it. I pe
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NIGHT SIX THE BUNDT IS lying on a w
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FIRST CONTACT, PART TWO From: Madel
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Wednesday, 8:15 P.M. FIRST CONTACT,
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Olly: curiouser and curiouser madel
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Madeline: She must love somebody. I
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Olly: no. he made me quit the mathl
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Olly: come to the window Madeline:
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figure is different. This time he
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“Well, if I didn’t know before
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TWO HOURS LATER I TRY AGAIN. “It
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LATER STILL “PLEASE, CARLA—”
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“You trying to talk me out of it?
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OLLY THE SUNROOM IS my favorite roo
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he’s still, I can feel the need t
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DIAGNOSIS
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WONDERLAND AND IT’S THE wanting t
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MAKES YOU STRONGER THERE’S NO E-M
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NO YES MAYBE Monday, 8:09 P.M. Made
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TIME CARLA MAKES US wait a week bef
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FORECAST OLLY’S ON THE wall again
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There are too many inputs to the fo
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SECRETS MY CONSTANT IMING with Olly
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NUMEROLOGY NUMBER OF: minutes it to
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OLLY SAYS HE’S NOT ON the wall wh
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Olly finds himself getting angry, t
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going to go back to school soon. He
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UPSIDE DOWN NORMAL PEOPLE PACE when
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my finger in the palm of his hand.
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FRIENDSHIP Later, 8:16 P.M. Olly: y
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LIFE AND DEATH OLLY’S NOT ON the
Page 110 and 111: HONESTLY Later, 8:03 P.M. Olly: no
Page 112 and 113: preparing for a bout. He’s trying
Page 114 and 115: THE THIRD MADDY I’M ALMOST ASLEEP
Page 116 and 117: “That’s enough now,” my mom s
Page 118 and 119: MIRROR IMAGE I PULL THE curtains as
Page 120 and 121: MORE THAN THIS MY MOM WORDLESSLY kn
Page 122 and 123: NURSE EVIL MY NEW NURSE is an unsmi
Page 124 and 125: I stare at the note, remembering th
Page 126 and 127: HIGHER EDUCATION WITH OLLY BACK in
Page 128 and 129: ALOHA MEANS HELLO AND GOOD -BYE, PA
Page 130 and 131: LATER, 9:08 P.M. OLLY’S ALREADY W
Page 132 and 133: THE GLASS WALL A WEEK LATER, someth
Page 134 and 135: HALF LIFE IT’S A STRANGE thing to
Page 136 and 137: THE FIVE SENSES HEARING The alarm
Page 138 and 139: “Maddy—” “I’ll explain ev
Page 141 and 142: At first I’m not sure what I’m
Page 143 and 144: HAPPY ALREADY “MADS, BE SERIOUS.
Page 145 and 146: I reach over and take his hand. “
Page 147 and 148: eyes. “I must’ve missed a lot o
Page 149 and 150: TTYL
Page 151 and 152: THE CAROUSEL “I’VE DECIDED BAGG
Page 153 and 154: MADELINE’S DICTIONARY prom•ise
Page 155 and 156: And, too, the world is in me.
Page 157 and 158: REWARD IF FOUND OUR HOTEL SITS righ
Page 159: three meals and two snacks exactly
Page 163 and 164: GUIDE TO HAWAIIAN REEF FISH
Page 165 and 166: I’m sure I don’t want him to. *
Page 167 and 168: ZACH BACK AT THE hotel, Olly calls
Page 169 and 170: Do you have my daughter? Is she OK?
Page 171 and 172: THE MURPHY BED IT’S LATE AFTERNOO
Page 173 and 174: ALL THE WORDS I COME AWAKE slowly,
Page 175 and 176: MADELINE’S DICTIONARY in•fi•n
Page 177 and 178: THIS TIME OLLY SMILES. HE will not
Page 179 and 180: “Do you believe it?” he asks.
Page 181 and 182: THE END SOMEONE HAS PUT me in a hot
Page 183 and 184: My. Heart. Stops.
Page 185 and 186: RELEASED, PART ONE
Page 187 and 188: READMITTED MY MOM HAS transformed m
Page 189 and 190: RELEASED, PART TWO Wednesday, 6:56
Page 191 and 192: Madeline: but mine isn’t
Page 193 and 194: GEOGRAPHY I’M IN AN endless field
Page 195 and 196: LIFE IS SHORT SPOILER REVIEWS BY MA
Page 197 and 198: PRETENDING I’M STRONGER WITH each
Page 199 and 200: I’m trying not to focus on Olly,
Page 201 and 202: FIVE SYLLABLES A MONTH LATER, just
Page 203 and 204: HIS LAST LETTER IS HAIKU From: gene
Page 205 and 206: FOR MY EYES ONLY From: Dr. Melissa
Page 207 and 208: question if I have spoken after all
Page 209 and 210: IDENTITY CARLA’S BARELY IN the do
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PROOF OF LIFE ALL I HAVE to do is g
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have SCID?” Her concern morphs in
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I should feel compassion. But that
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THE VOID A UNIVERSE THAT can wink i
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“But my heart stopped.” “Yes.
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ONE WEEK A.D. I HAVE MY first weekl
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THREE WEEKS A.D. MY MOM TRIES to en
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FIVE WEEKS A.D. I ORDER REAL plants
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MADELINE’S MOM
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lot left.” We go back inside. I f
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THE END IS THE BEGINNING IS THE END
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FUTURE PERFECT #2 From: Madeline F.
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FORGIVENESS I STARE OUT the window
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THIS LIFE EVEN AT 9 A.M. on a Satur
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choices you make and all the choice
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ACKNOWLEDGMENTS YOU ARE TRULY a tho
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