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REMEMBRANCE OF THINGS PRESENT I FEEL MUCH better after we grab a quick bite to eat. We need beach gear and, according to Olly, souvenirs, so we stop in a store called, helpfully, Maui Souvenir Shop and General Store. I don’t think I’ve ever seen so much stuff. I find myself overwhelmed with the sheer volume of it. Stacks and stacks of T-shirts and hats that say Maui, or Aloha, or some variation of that. Racks of hanging flower-patterned dresses in almost every color. Carousel after carousel of tchotchkes—key chains, shot glasses, magnets. One carousel is dedicated solely to surfboard key chains with stenciled names, alphabetically arranged. I search for Oliver or Madeline or Olly or Maddy, but don’t find any. Olly comes up behind me and wraps a single arm around my waist. I’m standing in front of a wall of calendars featuring shirtless surfers. They’re not unattractive. “I’m jealous,” he murmurs into my ear, and I laugh and rub my hands over his forearm. “You should be.” I reach for one of the calendars. “You’re not really—” “For Carla,” I say. “Sure, sure.” “What did you get?” I lean my head back against his chest. “Seashell necklace for my mom. Pineapple ashtray for Kara.” “Why do people buy all this stuff?” He holds me a little tighter. “It’s not so mysterious,” he says. “It’s so we remember to remember.” I turn in his arms, thinking how quickly it’s become my favorite place in the world. Familiar, foreign, comforting, and thrilling all at once. “I’m going to get this for Carla,” I say, brandishing the calendar. “And chocolate-covered macadamia nuts. And one of those dresses for myself.” “What about your mom?” What kind of memento do you get for the mother who has loved you your whole life, who has given up the world for you? Who you may never see again? Nothing will ever do, not really. I think back to the old photograph she showed me of all of us in Hawaii. I have no memory of it, no memory of being on that beach with her and my dad and my brother, but she does. She has memories of me, of a life that I don’t have at all. I pull away from Olly and wander around the store. By eighteen years old, other teenagers have separated from their parents. They leave home, have separate lives, make separate memories. But not me. My mom and I have shared the same closed space and
eathed the same filtered air for so long that it’s strange being here without her. It’s strange making memories that don’t include her. What will she do if I don’t make it home? Will she gather her memories of me close? Will she take them out and examine them and live them over and over again? I want to give her something of this time, of my time without her. Something to remember me by. I find a carousel with vintage postcards and I tell her the truth.
- Page 110 and 111: HONESTLY Later, 8:03 P.M. Olly: no
- Page 112 and 113: preparing for a bout. He’s trying
- Page 114 and 115: THE THIRD MADDY I’M ALMOST ASLEEP
- Page 116 and 117: “That’s enough now,” my mom s
- Page 118 and 119: MIRROR IMAGE I PULL THE curtains as
- Page 120 and 121: MORE THAN THIS MY MOM WORDLESSLY kn
- Page 122 and 123: NURSE EVIL MY NEW NURSE is an unsmi
- Page 124 and 125: I stare at the note, remembering th
- Page 126 and 127: HIGHER EDUCATION WITH OLLY BACK in
- Page 128 and 129: ALOHA MEANS HELLO AND GOOD -BYE, PA
- Page 130 and 131: LATER, 9:08 P.M. OLLY’S ALREADY W
- Page 132 and 133: THE GLASS WALL A WEEK LATER, someth
- Page 134 and 135: HALF LIFE IT’S A STRANGE thing to
- Page 136 and 137: THE FIVE SENSES HEARING The alarm
- Page 138 and 139: “Maddy—” “I’ll explain ev
- Page 141 and 142: At first I’m not sure what I’m
- Page 143 and 144: HAPPY ALREADY “MADS, BE SERIOUS.
- Page 145 and 146: I reach over and take his hand. “
- Page 147 and 148: eyes. “I must’ve missed a lot o
- Page 149 and 150: TTYL
- Page 151 and 152: THE CAROUSEL “I’VE DECIDED BAGG
- Page 153 and 154: MADELINE’S DICTIONARY prom•ise
- Page 155 and 156: And, too, the world is in me.
- Page 157 and 158: REWARD IF FOUND OUR HOTEL SITS righ
- Page 159: three meals and two snacks exactly
- Page 163 and 164: GUIDE TO HAWAIIAN REEF FISH
- Page 165 and 166: I’m sure I don’t want him to. *
- Page 167 and 168: ZACH BACK AT THE hotel, Olly calls
- Page 169 and 170: Do you have my daughter? Is she OK?
- Page 171 and 172: THE MURPHY BED IT’S LATE AFTERNOO
- Page 173 and 174: ALL THE WORDS I COME AWAKE slowly,
- Page 175 and 176: MADELINE’S DICTIONARY in•fi•n
- Page 177 and 178: THIS TIME OLLY SMILES. HE will not
- Page 179 and 180: “Do you believe it?” he asks.
- Page 181 and 182: THE END SOMEONE HAS PUT me in a hot
- Page 183 and 184: My. Heart. Stops.
- Page 185 and 186: RELEASED, PART ONE
- Page 187 and 188: READMITTED MY MOM HAS transformed m
- Page 189 and 190: RELEASED, PART TWO Wednesday, 6:56
- Page 191 and 192: Madeline: but mine isn’t
- Page 193 and 194: GEOGRAPHY I’M IN AN endless field
- Page 195 and 196: LIFE IS SHORT SPOILER REVIEWS BY MA
- Page 197 and 198: PRETENDING I’M STRONGER WITH each
- Page 199 and 200: I’m trying not to focus on Olly,
- Page 201 and 202: FIVE SYLLABLES A MONTH LATER, just
- Page 203 and 204: HIS LAST LETTER IS HAIKU From: gene
- Page 205 and 206: FOR MY EYES ONLY From: Dr. Melissa
- Page 207 and 208: question if I have spoken after all
- Page 209 and 210: IDENTITY CARLA’S BARELY IN the do
REMEMBRANCE OF THINGS PRESENT<br />
I FEEL MUCH better after we grab a quick bite to eat. We need beach gear and, according<br />
to Olly, souvenirs, so we stop in a store called, helpfully, Maui Souvenir Shop and General<br />
Store. I don’t think I’ve ever seen so much stuff. I find myself overwhelmed with the<br />
sheer volume of it. Stacks and stacks of T-shirts and hats that say Maui, or Aloha, or some<br />
variation of that. Racks of hanging flower-patterned dresses in almost every color.<br />
Carousel after carousel of tchotchkes—key chains, shot glasses, magnets. One carousel is<br />
dedicated solely to surfboard key chains with stenciled names, alphabetically arranged. I<br />
search for Oliver or Madeline or Olly or Maddy, but don’t find any.<br />
Olly comes up behind me and wraps a single arm around my waist. I’m standing in<br />
front of a wall of calendars featuring shirtless surfers. They’re not unattractive.<br />
“I’m jealous,” he murmurs into my ear, and I laugh and rub my hands over his forearm.<br />
“You should be.” I reach for one of the calendars.<br />
“You’re not really—”<br />
“For Carla,” I say.<br />
“Sure, sure.”<br />
“What did you get?” I lean my head back against his chest.<br />
“Seashell necklace for my mom. Pineapple ashtray for Kara.”<br />
“Why do people buy all this stuff?”<br />
He holds me a little tighter. “It’s not so mysterious,” he says. “It’s so we remember to<br />
remember.”<br />
I turn in his arms, thinking how quickly it’s become my favorite place in the world.<br />
Familiar, foreign, comforting, and thrilling all at once.<br />
“I’m going to get this for Carla,” I say, brandishing the calendar. “And chocolate-covered<br />
macadamia nuts. And one of those dresses for myself.”<br />
“What about your mom?”<br />
What kind of memento do you get for the mother who has loved you your whole life,<br />
who has given up the world for you? Who you may never see again? Nothing will ever do,<br />
not really.<br />
I think back to the old photograph she showed me of all of us in Hawaii. I have no<br />
memory of it, no memory of being on that beach with her and my dad and my brother, but<br />
she does. She has memories of me, of a life that I don’t have at all.<br />
I pull away from Olly and wander around the store. By eighteen years old, other<br />
teenagers have separated from their parents. They leave home, have separate lives, make<br />
separate memories. But not me. My mom and I have shared the same closed space and