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We’re back in the air lock before I start to recognize what I’ve done. Did I really just go
Outside? My mom’s hand is a vise on my upper arm. She forces me to face her.
“I don’t understand,” she says, her voice shrill and confused. “Why would you do that?”
“I’m OK,” I say, answering the question she doesn’t ask. “It was only a minute. Less
than a minute.”
She relinquishes my arm and lifts my chin.
“Why would you risk your life for a total stranger?”
I’m not a skillful enough liar to hide my feelings from her. Olly’s in my skin.
She sees the truth. “He’s not a stranger, is he?”
“We’re just friends. Online friends,” I say. I pause. “I’m sorry. I wasn’t thinking. I just
wanted to make sure he was OK.”
I rub my hands down my forearms. My heart beats so fast it hurts. The enormity of
what I’ve done overwhelms me and I’m trembling.
My sudden shaking derails my mom’s questioning and sends her into doctor mode.
“Did you touch anything?” she asks, over and over again.
I tell her no, over and over again.
“I had to trash your clothes,” she says after I’ve taken the shower that she insisted I take.
She doesn’t look at me as she says it. “And we’re going to have to be extra careful for the
next few days to make sure nothing’s—”
She breaks off, unable to say the words.
“It was less than a minute,” I say, for both our benefit.
“Sometimes a minute is all it takes.” Her voice is almost not there at all.
“Mom, I’m sorry—”
She holds up a hand and shakes her head. “How could you?” she asks, finally meeting
my eyes.
I’m not sure if she’s asking about my going Outside or lying to her. I don’t have an
answer for either question.
*
As soon as she leaves, I go to the window in search of Olly, but I don’t find him. He’s
probably on the roof. I get into bed.
Was I really just Outside? What did the air smell like? Was there wind? Did my feet
even touch the ground? I touch the skin on my arms, my face. Is it different? Am I?
My entire life I’ve dreamed about being in the world. And now that I have, I don’t
remember any of it. Just the sight of Olly doubled over in pain. Just his voice telling me
to go back.