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HONESTLY Later, 8:03 P.M. Olly: no movie night with your mom? Madeline: I canceled. Carla’s going to be upset with me. Olly: why? Madeline: I promised her I would spend more time with my mom. Olly: i’m messing up your life Madeline: No, please don’t think that. Olly: what we did today was crazy Madeline: I know. Olly: what were we thinking? Madeline: I don’t know. Olly: maybe we should take a break? Madeline: … Olly: sorry. i’m trying to protect you Madeline: What if protection is not what I need? Olly: what does that mean? Madeline: I don’t know. Olly: i need you to be safe. i don’t want to lose you Madeline: You barely have me! Madeline: Are you sorry? Olly: for what? for kissing? Olly: honestly? Madeline: Of course. Olly: no Olly: are you sorry? Madeline: No.
OWTSYD THE UNIVERSE AND my subconscious may be conspiring against me. I’m in the den playing Fonetik with my mom. So far in tonight’s game I’ve gotten tiles to play OWTSYD, FRIDUM, and SEEKRITS. That last one nets me a bonus for using all seven letters. She frowns down at the board and I think she’s going to challenge my word, but she doesn’t. She tallies the score and, for the first time ever, I’m actually winning. I’m ahead of her by seven points. I look down at the score and then back at her. “Are you sure you did that right?” I ask. I don’t want to beat her on top of everything else. I tally the score to find that she’s right. Her eyes are on my face, but I keep staring at the scorecard. She’s been like this all night, watchful, as if I’m a puzzle to be worked out. Or maybe I’m being paranoid. Maybe it’s the guilt I feel for being so selfish, for wanting to be with Olly even now. Every moment I spend with him I learn something new. I become someone new. She takes the scorecard from my hands and lifts my chin so that I have to meet her eyes. “What’s going on, honey?” I’m about to lie to her when there’s a sudden high scream from outside. Another scream follows and then indistinct yelling and a loud slam. We both spin to stare at the window. I start to rise, but my mom presses down on my shoulder, shakes her head. I let her hold me in place, but another scream of “STOP” has both of us running to the window. The three of them—Olly, his mom, and his dad—are on the porch. Their bodies form a triangle of misery, fear, and anger. Olly’s in fighter stance, fists clenched, feet planted wide and firm. Even from here I can see veins bulging to the surface of his arms, his face. His mom takes a step toward Olly, but he says something to her that makes her retreat. Olly and his dad face off. His dad is holding a drink in his right hand. He doesn’t take his eyes off Olly as he lifts and finishes it with deep gulps. He holds the empty glass out for Olly’s mom to take. She starts to move, but, again, Olly says something to stop her. His dad turns to look at her then, his hand still rigidly holding the glass. For a moment I think that maybe she won’t go to him. But her defiance doesn’t last. She takes a step toward him. He grabs at her, all anger and menace. But Olly’s suddenly right there in between them. He swats his dad’s arm away and pushes his mom off to the side. Even angrier now, his dad lunges again. Olly shoves him backward. He bangs into the wall, but doesn’t fall. Olly begins dancing lightly on his feet, shaking out his arms and wrists like a boxer
- Page 59 and 60: “Well, if I didn’t know before
- Page 61 and 62: TWO HOURS LATER I TRY AGAIN. “It
- Page 63 and 64: LATER STILL “PLEASE, CARLA—”
- Page 65 and 66: “You trying to talk me out of it?
- Page 67 and 68: OLLY THE SUNROOM IS my favorite roo
- Page 69 and 70: he’s still, I can feel the need t
- Page 71 and 72: DIAGNOSIS
- Page 74 and 75: WONDERLAND AND IT’S THE wanting t
- Page 76 and 77: MAKES YOU STRONGER THERE’S NO E-M
- Page 78 and 79: NO YES MAYBE Monday, 8:09 P.M. Made
- Page 80: TIME CARLA MAKES US wait a week bef
- Page 83 and 84: FORECAST OLLY’S ON THE wall again
- Page 85 and 86: There are too many inputs to the fo
- Page 87 and 88: SECRETS MY CONSTANT IMING with Olly
- Page 89 and 90: NUMEROLOGY NUMBER OF: minutes it to
- Page 91 and 92: OLLY SAYS HE’S NOT ON the wall wh
- Page 93: Olly finds himself getting angry, t
- Page 96 and 97: going to go back to school soon. He
- Page 98 and 99: UPSIDE DOWN NORMAL PEOPLE PACE when
- Page 100 and 101: my finger in the palm of his hand.
- Page 102 and 103: FRIENDSHIP Later, 8:16 P.M. Olly: y
- Page 107 and 108: LIFE AND DEATH OLLY’S NOT ON the
- Page 112 and 113: preparing for a bout. He’s trying
- Page 114 and 115: THE THIRD MADDY I’M ALMOST ASLEEP
- Page 116 and 117: “That’s enough now,” my mom s
- Page 118 and 119: MIRROR IMAGE I PULL THE curtains as
- Page 120 and 121: MORE THAN THIS MY MOM WORDLESSLY kn
- Page 122 and 123: NURSE EVIL MY NEW NURSE is an unsmi
- Page 124 and 125: I stare at the note, remembering th
- Page 126 and 127: HIGHER EDUCATION WITH OLLY BACK in
- Page 128 and 129: ALOHA MEANS HELLO AND GOOD -BYE, PA
- Page 130 and 131: LATER, 9:08 P.M. OLLY’S ALREADY W
- Page 132 and 133: THE GLASS WALL A WEEK LATER, someth
- Page 134 and 135: HALF LIFE IT’S A STRANGE thing to
- Page 136 and 137: THE FIVE SENSES HEARING The alarm
- Page 138 and 139: “Maddy—” “I’ll explain ev
- Page 141 and 142: At first I’m not sure what I’m
- Page 143 and 144: HAPPY ALREADY “MADS, BE SERIOUS.
- Page 145 and 146: I reach over and take his hand. “
- Page 147 and 148: eyes. “I must’ve missed a lot o
- Page 149 and 150: TTYL
- Page 151 and 152: THE CAROUSEL “I’VE DECIDED BAGG
- Page 153 and 154: MADELINE’S DICTIONARY prom•ise
- Page 155 and 156: And, too, the world is in me.
- Page 157 and 158: REWARD IF FOUND OUR HOTEL SITS righ
HONESTLY<br />
Later, 8:03 P.M.<br />
Olly: no movie night with your mom?<br />
Madeline: I canceled. Carla’s going to be upset with me.<br />
Olly: why?<br />
Madeline: I promised her I would spend more time with my mom.<br />
Olly: i’m messing up your life<br />
Madeline: No, please don’t think that.<br />
Olly: what we did today was crazy<br />
Madeline: I know.<br />
Olly: what were we thinking?<br />
Madeline: I don’t know.<br />
Olly: maybe we should take a break?<br />
Madeline: …<br />
Olly: sorry. i’m trying to protect you<br />
Madeline: What if protection is not what I need?<br />
Olly: what does that mean?<br />
Madeline: I don’t know.<br />
Olly: i need you to be safe. i don’t want to lose you<br />
Madeline: You barely have me!<br />
Madeline: Are you sorry?<br />
Olly: for what? for kissing?<br />
Olly: honestly?<br />
Madeline: Of course.<br />
Olly: no<br />
Olly: are you sorry?<br />
Madeline: No.
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