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Clemo shakes his head slowly, resignedly.
FM: Do you know why that is?
I don’t wait for a response.
FM: It’s because you aren’t engaging with this process. And if you don’t engage then we cannot work
towards treating you, and improving your quality of life, and that includes the insomnia, and the panic
attacks, all of it. To date, across all of our sessions, I would say that your responses to my questions
are mostly about avoidance. That must be exhausting for you. Isn’t it? It must exhaust you dodging my
questions, working out ways to preserve that facade of toughness. My question to you is why you are
so willing to expend so much energy avoiding this process when it would be so much easier if you
would open yourself up to it? I’m not a quack, DI Clemo, I’ve worked with many people in similar
situations to yours, and helped them.
JC: And what would you say my situation is, Dr Manelli?
FM: You suffer from severe, debilitating depression leading to insomnia and panic attacks, all of
which have affected your ability to do your job. Based on our discussions, I would say that they have
their roots in a combination of factors, which arose at the time of the Benedict Finch case.
JC: And what were those factors?
FM: You tell me. What do you think they were?
He is stony-faced.
JC: I thought that was your job.
FM: My job is to help you. Let me. Talk to me.
Clemo sits absolutely still for a moment, then puts his head in his hands. He sobs, and the sound is
awful and strangulated, but it’s what I’ve been waiting for. I take my chance.
FM: Play a game with me.
JC: What?
FM: I’m going to say a word, and I want you to tell me how you feel about it. No! Don’t argue about
it, just do it. Will you?
He holds his fingers over his eyes now, trying to stem the tears.
FM: Emma.
He gets control of himself, and then the silence in the room seems endless, capacious, but just
when I think I’ve lost him, he speaks.
JC: I loved her.
FM: I know you did.
JC: So much.
FM: Do you still love her?