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FM: I’m not intending to. That’s a very defensive reading of what I said. I’m simply acknowledging the fact that you felt under pressure and looking at ways that we might explore what that meant for you, and for the investigation. JC: You have no idea what it’s like to be in the middle of something like that. FM: So would it be fair to say that by this point in the case you’d moved on from the attitude that you felt when you took on the case? The ‘bring it on’ attitude? JC: It would, yes, because have you ever thought about what five days of being removed from your family and living in fear could do to a child? That’s 120 hours and counting. That was on my mind every single second. Why do you think I threw a hand grenade into the middle of that family? Because that’s what it was, making Nicky Forbes confess that stuff to her sister, don’t think I don’t understand that. But I did that for Benedict. Because we had to find him, and if there was collateral damage, then so be it. The letter was no different. I end our session here, because I fear I’ll push him away entirely if I press him further today. I do wonder whether, if this man doesn’t successfully go through this process, and get back to work in CID, I might fear for his long-term stability.
RACHEL When I got home, Zhang asked me if I wanted her to come in with me but I declined, saying that my sister would be there, even though I didn’t know if that was true. I still felt detached and strange as if all my senses were dulled and the only thing that mattered were the thoughts that were at a rolling boil inside my head. Nicky was there. She was sitting in the kitchen and her packed bag was by the front door, her coat draped over it. ‘I waited because I didn’t want to leave without saying goodbye,’ she said. She didn’t notice my disorientation. She did ask me what I was cradling in my arms. ‘Ben’s books,’ I said. I put them carefully down on the table and then we just stood facing each other and she reached forward to hug me. It was an awkward hug, just as it had been the first morning at the police station, although this time it was worse because her body offered none of the softness that it had before. We were both too wary of each other, and we made do with the minimum of contact, because for the first time in our lives neither of us knew where we stood with the other. And then, as if she knew that was inadequate, Nicky stood in front of me and put her hands on either side of my arms, and rubbed them up and down. ‘Will you be OK?’ she asked. I nodded. ‘I can come back whenever you want, just call me, if it’s too much being on your own.’ ‘I can ask Laura to come over,’ I said, and my voice sounded strange, as if I were speaking with a thick tongue. She hesitated just slightly before saying, ‘OK, good.’ Then we stood there again and her hands fell away from my arms and she looked at me in a way that made me want to start screaming with the uncertainty and the awfulness of it all, so with the last reserves of my strength I said, ‘Just go, Nicky.’ ‘Now I’m not sure I should,’ she said. ‘Looking at you now. You’re not OK, are you?’ And I shouted. I shouted, ‘JUST GO!’ because I felt as if I would implode if anybody said anything else to me, and it shocked her so much that she took a step back, and from her reaction I could tell that my expression must be ugly. She stared at me, and then started to say something, but I couldn’t stand to hear it, so I shouted ‘NOW!’ and it was more of a scream than a word, and then I ran up the stairs so fast that they pounded and I didn’t hear the sound of the door clicking shut behind her, but I did hear the press badgering her to tell them who had been shouting and why, and if she replied to them she did it very quietly or not at all, because within minutes all I could hear were the sounds of my empty house. Laura came to mop me up. I didn’t ask her to, she just arrived. As I went to answer the door I heard her chatting with one of the journalists on the doorstep. When I let her in she said, ‘How funny. I trained with one of those guys out there.’ She said it lightly, as if they’d run into each other at a party. I wondered which one of them it was. There were a few regulars. Most likely, I thought, to be the youngest of the bunch, the one who could outrun the others and was the last to stop beating on the windows of the car when I was driven away. I didn’t ask her. She’d brought takeaway food and a bottle of wine with her. Before she arrived I thought I’d tell her
- Page 182 and 183: JIM Fraser and I had a pre-meet bef
- Page 184 and 185: ‘He’s got an alibi, doesn’t h
- Page 186 and 187: RACHEL Nicky phoned the police and
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- Page 190 and 191: an orange wash remained. It struck
- Page 192 and 193: RACHEL When I got back inside Nicky
- Page 194 and 195: JIM On the night of Wednesday, 24 O
- Page 196 and 197: DAY 5 THURSDAY, 25 OCTOBER 2012 You
- Page 198 and 199: RACHEL I slept the night in Ben’s
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- Page 202 and 203: ‘What about their son, Charlie Bo
- Page 204 and 205: He took another sheet of paper from
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- Page 208 and 209: JIM Addendum to DI James Clemo’s
- Page 210 and 211: JC: She said she was knackered. She
- Page 212 and 213: It led swiftly to the fourth state.
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- Page 216 and 217: WEB PAGE - www.whereisbenedictfinch
- Page 218 and 219: I didn’t know what to say. I look
- Page 220 and 221: RACHEL Zhang agreed to come and giv
- Page 222 and 223: sensation. Then she spoke to him of
- Page 224 and 225: abstract shapes floating within it,
- Page 226 and 227: JIM I got one of the DCs to pick up
- Page 228 and 229: RACHEL This time, I made no attempt
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- Page 234 and 235: everything that had happened. But I
- Page 236 and 237: JIM We worked closely with John Fin
- Page 238 and 239: DAY 7 SATURDAY, 27 OCTOBER 2012 An
- Page 240 and 241: RACHEL In the early hours of the mo
- Page 242 and 243: school year, but I started to work
- Page 244 and 245: tight. A hospital band was visible
- Page 246 and 247: cancer himself. The whole family, w
- Page 248 and 249: Another page. A different drawing:
- Page 250 and 251: ‘The blog.’ I was slow; I didn
- Page 252 and 253: told him to fuck off. ‘Tell Frase
- Page 254 and 255: ‘Stop asking me to be patient. Ho
- Page 256 and 257: JIM In the incident room the blinds
- Page 258 and 259: swing. ‘So what are we thinking?
- Page 260 and 261: ‘She’s drunk?’ I asked when h
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- Page 264 and 265: JC: Fine. He coaxes his lips up int
- Page 266 and 267: JIM It was Emma who I thought of al
- Page 268 and 269: DAY 8 SUNDAY, 28 OCTOBER 2012 The P
- Page 270 and 271: RACHEL When dawn came there was no
- Page 272 and 273: JIM Nine o’clock Sunday morning,
- Page 274 and 275: RACHEL The hospital receptionist se
- Page 276 and 277: JIM Addendum to DI James Clemo’s
- Page 278 and 279: RACHEL My cab driver on the way hom
- Page 280 and 281: tall bear of a man, with very dark
FM: I’m not intending to. That’s a very defensive reading of what I said. I’m simply acknowledging<br />
the fact that you felt under pressure and looking at ways that we might explore what that meant for<br />
you, and for the investigation.<br />
JC: You have no idea what it’s like to be in the middle of something like that.<br />
FM: So would it be fair to say that by this point in the case you’d moved on from the attitude that you<br />
felt when you took on the case? The ‘bring it on’ attitude?<br />
JC: It would, yes, because have you ever thought about what five days of being removed from your<br />
family and living in fear could do to a child? That’s 120 hours and counting. That was on my mind<br />
every single second. Why do you think I threw a hand grenade into the middle of that family? Because<br />
that’s what it was, making Nicky Forbes confess that stuff to her sister, don’t think I don’t understand<br />
that. But I did that for Benedict. Because we had to find him, and if there was collateral damage, then<br />
so be it. The letter was no different.<br />
I end our session here, because I fear I’ll push him away entirely if I press him further today. I do<br />
wonder whether, if this man doesn’t successfully go through this process, and get back to work in<br />
CID, I might fear for his long-term stability.
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