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JC: She said she was knackered. She wanted to go back to her place to get a proper night’s rest and I didn’t blame her for that. I was feeling that way myself. I could have slept on my desk. FM: But I get the sense you were fired up too. JC: I was, yes. We all were. Without a doubt. It felt like things were starting to happen.
RACHEL The immediate aftermath was the first in a series of new body blows. Nicky swept everything up from the table, all her hard work, gathered it hastily and tried to push it into her bag. Her movements were rough and clumsy. ‘Don’t,’ I said. ‘Please don’t.’ I felt as though she was falling apart right in front of my eyes. I wondered if that’s what it had been like when she first went to Esther’s, to live in the cottage, right after it happened, when I was a baby, when her grief must have been unbearable. And I realised that in the future I would wonder about everything. From now on it would be impossible to unpick every detail of my history, every assumption that had led to me building a sense of my own identity, and of Ben’s identity. My past had been crumpled up and thrown into the fire, and I would have to sort through the ashes, with only Nicky as my guide. Nicky, who had lied to me for a very long time; Nicky, who said that she’d lied to protect me; Nicky, who I needed. ‘I should leave,’ she said. ‘You’re better off without me. You know, I would never, ever hurt Ben. Can I just say that? I would never hurt Ben.’ Her distress pushed her voice to an acute pitch, and I went to comfort her. ‘I know you wouldn’t.’ She let her bag slide down her shoulder and onto the table, and the papers spilled back out of it. Her head fell onto my shoulder and her body shook. Are you surprised at my reaction to her? At my willingness to accept what I’d heard and offer her comfort? It wasn’t the end of it. Of course it wasn’t. If I think back to that day I can remember the stages I went through. I suppose it was like the stages of grief, although this was different. This was the processing of what felt like a betrayal, this was the seeping away of trust. After the door had clicked shut behind an adrenalin-pumped Clemo and a Zhang who couldn’t meet my eye for the first time, that first interaction Nicky and I had was of course a reflex, an urge to keep Nicky by me, to deny that anything had changed. She’d been my rock, always, and I couldn’t contemplate any other existence. It wasn’t in my DNA. Or I’d thought it wasn’t. After that exchange we separated. Nicky unpacking her bag robotically, calling on those massive reserves of strength to anchor her to my table, to keep her going as she delved deeper and deeper into whatever the web had to offer her. I went to my safe place, to Ben’s room, and I immersed myself in him, as was my habit. It was the only place I felt secure. His bedroom had become my womb. This was my second stage. I sank onto the beanbag on the floor of his room and I felt as if I was cast adrift in a small wooden boat, shrouded by a watery grey mist. And suspended within each of the millions of fine droplets that made up the mist, was the news, the bombshell that I’d just heard. And in this stage it simply surrounded me, existing, but not yet understood. And within it I felt baseless, disorientated and lost. The third state was the inevitable churning of my mind, the processing of what I’d learned, and of its implications, the moment the droplets of mist began to settle on my skin and permeate it. It was when the knowledge became part of me and it was irreversible. I had to face up to it.
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Gilly Macmillan grew up in Swindon,
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Burnt Paper Sky Table of Contents A
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JIM BEFORE
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DAY 2 JIM
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JIM
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JIM
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JIM
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DAY 3 JIM
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JIM
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JIM
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DAY 4 JIM
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JIM
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JIM
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JIM
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JIM
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DAY 5 JIM
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JIM
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JIM
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DAY 6 JIM
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JIM
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JIM
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JIM
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DAY 7 JIM
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JIM
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JIM
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JIM
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JIM
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DAY 8 JIM
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JIM
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JIM
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JIM
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DAY 9 JIM
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JIM
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JIM
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JIM
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JIM
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JIM
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JIM
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RACHEL
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RACHEL ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS BIBLIOGRAPH
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Author’s Note During the research
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PROLOGUE NOVEMBER 2013 - ONE YEAR A
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imaginary interview goes really wel
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But whether I’ve been awake or as
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BEFORE DAY 1 SUNDAY, 21 OCTOBER 201
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eally honest, I hadn’t noticed it
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‘OK,’ and he was off, careering
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as if the woodland was holding its
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appeared on the path. Our progress
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‘That’s good news,’ she said.
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FM: Do you think that expressing fe
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JC: It was a promotion is what it w
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suspect, is not going to be an easy
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RACHEL John couldn’t stand the wa
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It was the awkward twitch of Inspec
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‘Solid eight hours,’ I said. I
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RACHEL Inspector Miller said that b
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JIM Kenneth Steele House is where I
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had four pairs of officers in place
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at others. He was always watching m
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JIM I was quite pleased with how th
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his parents as well as his grandpar
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‘Expertise is on our side,’ she
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RACHEL My sister Nicky was waiting
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unstoppable. She told me that the w
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the streetlights and the geometric
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JIM Addendum to DI James Clemo’s
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FM: So you recommended Emma for the
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DAY 3 TUESDAY, 23 OCTOBER 2012 Be a
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RACHEL In the car on the way to Ken
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‘If you are the person who is wit
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‘This way,’ she said. She swept
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‘It’s a soft alibi.’ Fraser w
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trace of dignity or vulnerability,
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missing”, and that everybody is l
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looking woman too: nicely dressed,
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‘Were there signs that the arm wa
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accident. But we’ll check it out
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To the insultingly practical: Don
Page 160 and 161: JIM Addendum to DI James Clemo’s
Page 162 and 163: FM: So apart from the negative pres
Page 164 and 165: they’re focused on the job? FM: Y
Page 166 and 167: DAY 4 WEDNESDAY, 24 OCTOBER 2012 Cr
Page 168 and 169: RACHEL I slept only fitfully after
Page 170 and 171: WEB PAGE - www.whereisbenedictfinch
Page 172 and 173: JIM I spoke to Emma before I left f
Page 174 and 175: say that he doesn’t play by the r
Page 176 and 177: ‘Bye,’ Fount said to him. ‘Wh
Page 178 and 179: thanked her for what she did for us
Page 180 and 181: I sat on the bed for a long time, u
Page 182 and 183: JIM Fraser and I had a pre-meet bef
Page 184 and 185: ‘He’s got an alibi, doesn’t h
Page 186 and 187: RACHEL Nicky phoned the police and
Page 188 and 189: door in the middle of the night. Yo
Page 190 and 191: an orange wash remained. It struck
Page 192 and 193: RACHEL When I got back inside Nicky
Page 194 and 195: JIM On the night of Wednesday, 24 O
Page 196 and 197: DAY 5 THURSDAY, 25 OCTOBER 2012 You
Page 198 and 199: RACHEL I slept the night in Ben’s
Page 200 and 201: individuals closest to Ben, and he
Page 202 and 203: ‘What about their son, Charlie Bo
Page 204 and 205: He took another sheet of paper from
Page 206 and 207: more imperfect than any version of
Page 208 and 209: JIM Addendum to DI James Clemo’s
Page 212 and 213: It led swiftly to the fourth state.
Page 214 and 215: Quick response appreciated, obvious
Page 216 and 217: WEB PAGE - www.whereisbenedictfinch
Page 218 and 219: I didn’t know what to say. I look
Page 220 and 221: RACHEL Zhang agreed to come and giv
Page 222 and 223: sensation. Then she spoke to him of
Page 224 and 225: abstract shapes floating within it,
Page 226 and 227: JIM I got one of the DCs to pick up
Page 228 and 229: RACHEL This time, I made no attempt
Page 230 and 231: dog, black and white like Skittle,
Page 232 and 233: FM: I’m not intending to. That’
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Page 236 and 237: JIM We worked closely with John Fin
Page 238 and 239: DAY 7 SATURDAY, 27 OCTOBER 2012 An
Page 240 and 241: RACHEL In the early hours of the mo
Page 242 and 243: school year, but I started to work
Page 244 and 245: tight. A hospital band was visible
Page 246 and 247: cancer himself. The whole family, w
Page 248 and 249: Another page. A different drawing:
Page 250 and 251: ‘The blog.’ I was slow; I didn
Page 252 and 253: told him to fuck off. ‘Tell Frase
Page 254 and 255: ‘Stop asking me to be patient. Ho
Page 256 and 257: JIM In the incident room the blinds
Page 258 and 259: swing. ‘So what are we thinking?
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‘She’s drunk?’ I asked when h
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JC: Fine. He coaxes his lips up int
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JIM It was Emma who I thought of al
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DAY 8 SUNDAY, 28 OCTOBER 2012 The P
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RACHEL When dawn came there was no
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JIM Nine o’clock Sunday morning,
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RACHEL The hospital receptionist se
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RACHEL My cab driver on the way hom
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tall bear of a man, with very dark
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‘To be honest, I assumed Nicky wo
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He actually put his hand over his h
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‘Cool,’ my avatar said. ‘New
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me wants you here to run the invest
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I behaved in an arrogant and disgus
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RACHEL I logged on to Furry Footbal
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‘I know it was him,’ I said. Th
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Her handbag was on the seat between
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so that my toes were already numb.
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‘It’s what Miss May said, about
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He sat back down. ‘Again,’ he s
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JIM Nicky Forbes was disturbed by m
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RACHEL It took me twenty-five minut
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here. And then I saw something else
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JIM Nicky Forbes’s expression was
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RACHEL They prised me up off the ca
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Operator: OK. They’re a few minut
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RECORD OF EVIDENCE: AVON AND SOMERS
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RACHEL Bristol Children’s Hospita
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‘Is the child all right?’ Mrs M
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RACHEL I approached my son’s beds
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EPILOGUE CHRISTMAS 2013 - ONE YEAR,
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RACHEL A few weeks ago, somebody as
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that he loved so much in return. Th
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JC: Yes. FM: Have you seen her sinc
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RACHEL We might never have closure,
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us that. He came to our house and w
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BIBLIOGRAPHY The following websites
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