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RACHEL
When I got back inside Nicky held the phone out to me. ‘It’s John.’
‘The nursing home rang,’ he said. ‘My mother’s distressed because you didn’t bring Ben to visit her
today.’
‘Oh God.’
I’d forgotten about Ruth. Ben and I made a regular weekly visit to see her in her nursing home.
Spending time with her grandson was one of the only things she looked forward to.
‘Does she know?’ I asked.
‘No.’ His voice was quiet. ‘I’ve asked them to keep her away from the media.’
I knew it would be easy to keep Ruth away from the TV – she didn’t have a television in her room,
and she was fiercely dismissive of the communal areas of the nursing home, keeping to her own room
mostly. She loved to listen to Radio 3, though, and I wondered how they were managing that. She’d be
desolate without it.
John was one step ahead of me. He said, ‘They’ve told her that her radio’s broken, and Katrina
dropped off some CDs for her, and a player. It should keep her going for a while.’
‘You’ll have to go and see her,’ I said.
‘I can’t see her.’ This said so quietly that I could hardly hear him.
‘Well, one of us has to go. We don’t have to tell her.’
I wanted it to be him that went. I didn’t want to have to look into Ruth’s eyes and lie to her about
Ben, but to tell her would break her heart.
‘No. Don’t ask me to,’ he said. ‘I can’t.’
‘John!’
‘I’m sorry,’ he said, and he hung up. I stood there with the phone in my hand, incredulous.
‘How does he think I can deal with this any better than him?’ I said.
‘I’m not sure he’s coping,’ said Nicky.
‘Nobody’s coping,’ I said.
‘He’s really on the edge.’
‘We’re all on the edge.’
‘Don’t argue.’ Laura tried to be peacekeeper.
‘I just don’t see why everybody has to be so worried about John.’
‘We ought to be thinking of him,’ said Nicky. ‘It’s not just you who’s affected by this.’
‘Oh and it’s so hard for you with your perfect husband and perfect daughters safe in their perfect
home?’
Nicky gasped. ‘That’s just not fair.’
She got up and left the room. I’d gone too far.
‘She didn’t deserve that,’ said Laura.
‘I know.’
‘She’s trying to help.’
I knew I should apologise to Nicky, but I couldn’t bring myself to. She came back down soon
afterwards, eyes red, but face composed.
‘Rachel, I know this feels unbearable, but we’re all on your side, and there are even people out
there who are on your side too. The stuff online, it’s not all bad. People are out there searching for
Ben. People we don’t know.’