Crocodile Magazine January 2017

Dance Marathon at the University of Florida is a yearlong effort
that culminates in a 26.2-hour event where over 800 students
stay awake and on their feet to symbolize the obstacles faced by
children with serious illnesses or diseases. Each year, DM at UF raises
funds and awareness for UF Health Shands Children’s Hospital, our
local Children’s Miracle Network Hospital, in Gainesville, FL. Our
contributions are used where they are needed the most, including,
but not limited to, purchasing life-saving medical equipment, funding
pediatric research and purchasing diversionary activities for the kids.
As the largest student-run philanthropy in the Southeast, DM at UF
has raised over $12.4 million For The Kids, and revealed a grand total
of $2.4 million in 2016.
Visit floridadm.org to learn more about what we do and for ways
to get involved!

Meet Mateo
On February 4, 2014, at Mateo’s mother’s 23 weeks of pregnancy, the doctor noticed that
something in his heart wasn’t right. After many hours, the doctor confirmed that Mateo has
HLHS, Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome. This is the day that his mom describes as the day their
world fell apart. Many doctors told her that Mateo had no chance at all to live, and they should
prepare themselves to say goodbye as soon as he was born. Refusing to do this, Mateo’s
parents began researching and found the UF Health Shands Congenital Heart Center. Since the
first meeting with Dr. Bleiweis’ team at the Congenital Heart Center, Mateo began to have a
chance—not an easy one, but a chance, nonetheless. Every time he has hit a bump in the road,
or his family has needed any kind of help or motivation, the team has been there for them.
After two very intense open heart surgeries to prepare his body to live with only half a heart,
Mateo has become the very active child he is today. His mom describes him as a determined,
stubborn, playful, and smart little boy who loves playing soccer all day long, or watching
Mickey Mouse Clubhouse and Peppa Pig.
Join us this year as we continue
to make bigger and better miracles For The Kids like Mateo!
For more information about our cause or to donate, please visit:
www.floridadm.org/donate

CONTENTS
January 2017
5
6
7
10
12
13
14
15
16
18
19
21
24
24
25
26
27
29
Editor’s Letter
Student Able to Afford Textbook After
Stealing Toilet Paper for Three Years
The Future is Now!!!
Math Student Close to Solving
Equation to Get Girls
Croc Libs
UF to Install New Cold Leftovers
Dispensers
Croc Stocks
Mystery
Poster that will wow your friends
Student Miraculously Downloads
Attachment on UF Wifi
‘Did You Know?’ UF
Food Pyramid
Crocodile Archives
UF Alerts
Opinion: Will I Ever Find a Pre-
Med Student as Smart as Me?
Drinks
Dogs Reading the Crocodile
Horoscopes
4 January 2017 I promise all the articles are here this time

EDITOR’S
LETTER
If you haven’t noticed yet, our magazine got a whole face
lift and Botox special for 2017! Man, just look at this slick
minimalism. As the VIC3001 textbook told me, white space is
not my enemy.
Welcome to all of our Innovation Academy buddies! Don’t
worry, Spring semester is still awesome. It’s just that instead of
football, there’s political strife, and instead of sweating you get
to freeze. So it’s basically the same. And you get basketball,
which is like, cool.
We’ve got a great semester lined up for you guys, and sadly
it’s my last as a UF student. Shout out to everyone that’s been
reading the Crocodile since Fall 2013!
Man, this new editor’s letter space is really big and I don’t
even have a ghost writer yet...umm, how about an anecdote?
So this one time I was taking the bus back to my apartment
after the first issue of the magazine came out and I saw this
dude reading it. So naturally I asked him “oh, what’s that? Is it
funny?” and the guy just deadpan looks up at me and was like
“yeah it’s great but the design sucks hard.”
And that’s why we hired our first designer instead of me
trying to do everything in Photoshop.
Sincerely,
Poseidon
Owner/Founder/Janitor
CROCODILE
CONTRIBUTERS
Editor-in-Chief
Peyton Stahler
Amalie Batchelder
Designer
Brianna Winoski
Adam Turner
Russian-English Translator
Sergei “The Hammer” Borsch
Photographer
Jacob Riis
Contributing Writers
Eric Heubusch
Nicolle Buchbinder
Reese Porter
Carley Carbary
Joshua Klafter
Collin West
Chance Pane
Livia Campos
Kyle Rambo
Mackenzie Patel
Special thanks to:
United States Federal Reserve
Paper
Refreshing Coca-Cola
Johannes Gutenberg
Questions?
admin@thecrocodile.org
Advertising?
peyton@thecrocodile.org
Find us
thecrocodile.org
@ufcrocodile
Is this thing on?
January 2017
5

STUDENT ABLE TO AFFORD
TEXTBOOK AFTER STEALING
TOILET PAPER FOR 3 YEARS
She also got the online code for the homework.
Lysistrata
Crocodile Staff Writer
A
UF senior has saved
money to buy one
textbook at the UF
Bookstore entirely by stealing
toilet paper for three years.
The student, Halley Kommet,
said she decided to stop
spending money on the
necessity after she bought her
first textbook freshman year, and
was trying to find new ways to
budget without making her life
miserable.
“Toilet paper is an expensive
necessity,”
Said UF Environmental Studies
Senior Halley Kommet.
“Instead of learning to use less
squares, I decided it was more
efficient to take toilet paper from
the school I already pay tuition
for.”
For Kommet, striking real gold
was finding normal sized toilet
paper to fit in the dispenser at
home. Most rolls she comes
across are industrial sized. Either
way, as a student who is always
wearing a backpack, hiding the
toilet paper was easier than
stealing candy from a baby.
“I try to limit it to only toilet
paper, because I figure no one
misses it—but I’d be lying if I
said I hadn’t snagged a few soap
staff@thecrocodile.org
This bundle will go for about six cents on the secondhand market.
bags too,”
Said Kommet.
The price of textbooks
has been a hot button issue
for students for many years.
Some, who wished to remain
anonymous, said that they had
resorted to their own means by
slyly sneaking Tupperware into
the dining halls, or using the
showers in the science building
when water bills were high.
“You know, it’s unfair to call
our pricing ‘criminal’ when we’re
the ones having to use Papa
Johns’ napkins in the restroom,”
Said Head of Material Pricing
Marjorie Sacks.
“We were going to run a 2.5%
off sale, but now that kind of
generosity has just gone right
out the window.”
After three years of saving
up money, Kommet said she
was excited to finally have
physical copies of her required
textbooks. It warms her heart to
feel like a real student during her
last semester at the University of
Florida.
“It’s been a heck of a lot of
fun living on this wild side, but
I’m just excited to graduate so
I can finally upgrade to some
Charmin.”
6 January 2017 Read a different footer!

MATH STUDENT CLOSE TO
SOLVING EQUATION TO
GET GIRLS
He’s been working on it for almost 19 years.
Epimethius
Crocodile Staff Writer
Arnold Little, 19, has
dedicated his whole life
to the study of numbers.
Unfortunately, he said it doesn’t
help him much when it comes to
counting ladies.
“The amount of girlfriends
I’ve had is equal to the limit as x
approaches infinity of 1 divided
by x.”
Said Little, whose math
metaphors surprisingly don’t get
him a lot of dates.
However, Little has remained
open to the dating scene even
after some bad experiences.
“I was shocked to find out a
date doesn’t normally consist
of the guy doing the girls
homework while she goes out
with her friends.”
Said Little, who understands
the software behind Tinder
but not how to successfully
operate it.
Little’s friends and colleagues
said he has always seemed to
have bad luck with women no
matter what the relationship.
Things may be looking up for
Little, though, as he seems to
be coming close to solving the
mathematical formula for picking
up chicks.
“So far good looks and a lot of
staff@thecrocodile.org
The equation mostly involves getting better looking and a larger bank account.
money are a bigger part of the
formula than I originally hoped,”
Said Little, whose GPA is a
larger number than his bank
statement.
“But at least 3% of success
has to do with being funny and
I have a few great probability
puns up my sleeve.”
Little said the theorem was
based partially on an anonymous
study he took of all the girls who
didn’t walk quickly away from
him in the library and the advice
of his older sister. The theorem
was taken for a test run and a
girl Little approached had this
to say:
“I think he wanted to ask me
out, given how much he was
shaking and the sweat on his
forehead,”
Said UF Sophomore Jennifer
Martin.
“But I ended up convincing
him to wear a blonde wig and
take my precalc test for me on
Proctor U instead.”
As with any math more
advanced than Algebra, Little’s
theorems did not apply well
to the real world. He recently
dropped the math major and is
focusing more on his geography
studies, which are mainly based
around calculating where the
nearest ladies night is located.
10 January 2017 Help, I’ve registered for classes andd I can’t get up!

CROC LIBS
Fill the void: you may not be able to fill that deep, dark space in your heart—but
luckily you can fill in these gaps no problem!
Subject: A Letter to Parents for Money
Hi Mom and Dad,
It’s me, _________________, I just wanted to write a letter to let you know how
(insert ridiculous childhood nickname)
great my semester is going! I hope you guys are good, how’s ______________
(insert old person hobby)
going? I’m loving the pictures and constant daily updatesand phone calls!
Especially the one with _______________, gotta love him/her!
(insert name of weird relative you barely speak to)
Anyway, that gift of ______________ socks for Christmas was so generous
(insert number between 10-50)
of you, but I was wondering if maybe I could get a bit of cash to help with my
class expenses this year. It’s not much, just _______________, it would
(insert amount of dollars owed for student loans)
really help me get the textbooks I need, and I promise it won’t fund any
_________________.
(insert type of cardinal sin)
Please let me know as soon as possible, and ________________ said to tell
you hi!
(name of roommate you never talk to)
Love,
_________________
(your name)
12 January 2017 Raise your hand if you like Croc Libs!

UF TO INSTALL NEW
COLD LEFTOVERS
DISPENSERS
The University is hoping the program doesn’t take away from Meal Plan sales.
Priapus
Crocodile Staff Writer
A
UF official has announced
that UF will be replacing
all vending machines on
campus with a new alternative
that will sell primarily cold
leftovers for students.
The new dispensers are part
of a new initiative to provide
more substantial food options
for students who are too busy
to wait in line at dining halls or
local restaurants, said Head of
Student Diet Lisa Tupper.
“We noticed that a lot of
students were living off of
granola bars and Doritos
because that’s all our vending
machines had,”
Tupper said.
“These new dispensers will
finally give students a healthier
option while giving them a taste
they won’t believe didn’t come
straight from their kitchen at
home!”
Tupper said that they currently
plan for the dispensers to
carry cold mashed potatoes,
half eaten pints of lo-mein, 6
varieties of pasta salad, and a
“mystery” flavor pudding.
The options were chosen
after months of detailed and
extensive research on the eating
habits of students at home
staff@thecrocodile.org
The machines will have yesterday’s food at today’s prices and temperature.
versus at school, and Tupper said
they actually made the efforts
to visit the parents of students
at UF to see what they were
cooking up in their hometowns.
“We actually were expecting
to have to introduce gourmet
chefs or figure out a way for
students to heat up their
lunches,”
Tupper said.
“Instead, we were shocked
to see that over 98% of our
students eat almost exclusively
cold pizza slices and whatever is
leftover from yesterday’s meal in
the fridge.”
So far, students have reacted
with excitement to the new food
option on campus. Dining halls
have seen lower numbers, and
janitors have reported cleaning
up almost half the amount
of abandoned granola bar
wrappers than usual. However,
many have confided to Crocodile
reporters that they will continue
to steal their roommates food
instead.
Writing footers is harder than writing articles
January 2017
13

THE CROC MARKET
Like normal stocks, but better
FLTAT
Flash Tats
2.30 SWD
3.45
SW Rec Dumbbells
VERDICT: SELL
While these glittery
body accessories
were all the rage
last spring, it looks
like the masses have
turned their favor
now to velvet chokers and combat boots. While
a few stragglers may have not caught up with
the trends, don’t catch yourself with too many
of these on your hands when they end up on
clearance at every store in the mall. VERDICT:
Sell, if you can.
VERDICT: KEEP
After the New Year,
these puppies
practically have
a waiting list.
Anything above 25
pounds seems to be
slightly less in demand, but if you’re one of the
lucky ones who managed to grab the purple
10 pounder before January, you’re looking at
a pretty good cash-out. VERDICT: Buy before
the NYE crowd inevitably gives up on their
resolutions.
EAT ADVERTISEMENT
Pizza Partner of the Florida Gators ®
14 January 2017 Hey, my content is up here!

Every
COUNTS
being a gator means caring about the
Gator Nation! if you OR a fellow gator
is in distress, contact U Matter, WE Care.
umatter@ufl.edu | umatter.ufl.edu
352-294-CARE (2273) | @UMatterWeCare

STUDENT MIRACULOUSLY
DOWNLOADS ATTACHMENT
ON UF WIFI
The 18mb PowerPoint presentation was worth the wait.
Perses
Crocodile Staff Writer
One lucky UF student
accomplished the
unthinkable task last
Tuesday when he downloaded
an entire email attachment on
University WiFi.
“When I saw that ‘Download
Completed’ notification I
honestly thought I might cry,”
Said 22-year-old Biology
student Mark Levi.
“It was a miracle. Too bad I’m
not in that class anymore.”
Levi said that the attachment
was a PowerPoint for his General
Psychology course that he
had attempted to download
in February before an exam,
and must have left open on
his computer for the past six
months.
“I actually ended up having to
drop the class because I got a 27
on my exam,”
Levi said, holding a framed
copy of the 13-page PowerPoint.
“Back then I really thought
that the UF internet connection
had let me down, but hey better
late than never!”
According to UF records, Levi
is the first student in 18 months
to successfully download an
attachment without using an
iPhone hotspot or having to
staff@thecrocodile.org
Opening the attachment was a catharsis beyond imagination.
wait in line at the help desk
for 45 minutes. Levi’s peers
said that while they are happy
for their friend, some think he
is less deserving of such an
accomplishment.
“I think it’s great that Mark
finally got to see that PowerPoint
that ruined his life and all,”
Said Levi’s roommate, 21-yearold
Danny Hurder.
“But why couldn’t it have
been me? I’ve got a Med
School application that’s been
uploading for three days.”
Levi said that at one point
he almost switched to a new
Macbook Pro he got as a
Christmas present, but said
he knew he couldn’t give up
on reaching his goal of finally
opening his PowerPoint.
“Daddy didn’t raise no
quitter,”
Levi said.
“Sure I had to give the Mac to
my sister, but all the times the
internet gave out in the middle
of a quiz is worth it for this
moment.”
UF’s Internet Technology
Department said that they plan
to celebrate the monumental
occasion by giving Levi a $100
giftcard to RadioShack and a
free copy of Word ’95.
18 January 2017 Page 18, wow, farther than you made it in that history textbook

The Spanish conquistadors were the
first to discover the University of Florida
in the 1500s. They thought that Lake
Alice was the fountain of youth, but they
eventually realized it’s just a lake. The
Spanish then moved onto Tallahassee,
where they got sick from a fountain that
turned out to be from FSU.
As a college student, there are probably a lot of
things you don’t know. Here are some of them.
After inventing Gatorade, UF
scientists started experimenting
on live gators to see what other
juices they could get out of
them. Turns out it’s mostly just
goop and scales so they gave
up shortly after.
Fact
no.
467
Fact
no.
865
Fact
no.
347
Fact
no.
55
You can order pre-frozen Gator Dining meals
to enjoy in the comfort of your own dorm!
Simply approach any Gator Dining worker,
perform the secret handshake, say the
passphrase (Glacier Special, no pickles) and
they’ll hook you up.
Your dad didn’t really go here, it’s just an elaborate
ruse rooted in a haul of discount Gator gear from your
hometown TJ Maxx. “Why let all the memorabilia go to
waste?” he told himself every day for 40 years.
If you leave right now you can still make it to the wedding!
January 2017
19

OPINION
WILL I EVER
MEET A PRE-MED
STUDENT AS
SMART AS ME?
Really, I’m serious!
Jason
Crocodile Staff Writer
staff@thecrocodile.org
It’s hard enough trying
to find another pre-med
student. I feel like we’re
a rare breed here at UF.
Biology majors are hardly
existent anymore. I think it’s
probably because no-one
else has the same love of the
craft that I do. And by craft,
I mean “the naive idea that
I’ll probably make a lot of
money later that I will have to
use to repay all the student
loans I’m taking out.” But
really though, where are all
the smart pre-med students?
Everyone I ask always got a
lower score on the SAT than
me. I got a 4 on my AP Bio
exam, so I’m pretty much a
doctor already. The other day,
my friend asked me how they
could get rid of some redness
in their eyes, and I prescribed
them some Visine. I think they
were probably out too late
studying by a smoky campfire
or something.
Seriously though, where
are the smart pre-med
students? I am literally the
smartest person I know, and
that includes my Organic
Chemistry instructor. Like,
doesn’t he realize I know
everything already? He’s book
smart, but I’m street smart
and book smart. I can figure
out when the next bus is
coming just by looking at an
app on my phone, and I know
the chemical name of water.
I’m pretty much the
smartest person alive. I have
a GPA of 1.3 and I’m only a
freshman. I heard at Preview
that only a third of freshman
Pre-Med students graduate
as pre-med, and I think I’m
going to be part of that third.
I’ll also probably graduate
early considering how great
my grades are.
My parents are happy with
my grades but they really
wanted me to be a lawyer.
I was like “do you think I’m
dumb?” Seriously do they
think I’m just going to sit
around memorize a book full
of laws or rules or something
all day? I was born for med.
Specifically, the pre part of
pre-med.
This is an open invitation to
anyone: face me in a battle of
medical wits and you’re sure
to have egg on your face at
the end.
How does no one know what op-ed means?
January 2017
25

Text
“MOVE”
to 43506
for your
free quote!

HOROSCOPES
ARIES
TAURUS
GEMINI
CANCER
March 21 - April 19
April 20 - May 20 May 21 - June 20 June 21 - July 22
You’ll find yourself
pondering Life a lot
more than usual. Stop
thinking about board
games and focus on
something real.
Stick around after
class. I can almost
guarantee there’s
leftover candy from
your icebreaker up
for grabs.
You will come back
one day and your
apartment will have
a very strange smell
that you’ll spend
the next year trying
to get rid of it (and
failing).
You will meet a
new person. After
introducing yourself,
they will remind you
that you’ve lived
down the hall from
them for 3 years.
LEO
VIRGO
LIBRA
SCORPIO
July 23 - August 22
August 23 - September 22 September 23 - October 22 October 23 - November 21
Your sticker collection
is the best in all the
land. Now that’s
done, maybe trying
moving onto pins?
Be kind to those
around you. One day
you might get sick
and need their notes
from class.
Finally, your new class
schedule gives you a
three day weekend
perfect for travelling,
partying or sleeping
until you don’t know
what day it is.
Your lost wallet will
give you a great
excuse to take a new
Gator 1 picture and
this time both eyes
will be open!
SAGITTARIUS
CAPRICORN
AQUARIUS
PISCES
November 22 - December 21 December 22 - January 19 January 20 - February 18 February 19 - March 20
A mysterious force
will bring you
happiness. You
should tip him at
least 15%.
This will finally be the
year you look great in
hats.
You will find a new
passion for following
your football team.
Good luck!
The club will play
your jam, if you’re
lucky they might even
play it 10 more times
throughout the night!
More like horoSCOPES am I right?
January 2017
29

ADVERTISE IN
Reach hundreds of millions* of UF students by placing an ad in the Crocodile!
We have broken it down into three simple steps for you:
Realize that the Really Independent Florida Crocodile
has overcome all other forms of pseudo-journalism
Email sales@thecrocodile.org
We will consult you on the best type of ad to run,
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“Wow, this is the best advertising I’ve ever gotten ever!!”
- Some customer, probably
“CPM!!!!”
- Customer and also my advertising professor
“Advertising in the Crocodile made me an all around happier person.”
- Anonymous
“Another cool testimonial.”
- Anonymous
“Another cool testimonial.”
- Anonymous