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<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />
FEBRUARY<br />
<strong>2017</strong><br />
EST. 1996<br />
207-782-7113<br />
Get Your FREE<br />
Quote Today!<br />
Richard Moylan<br />
(207) 777-0050<br />
791 Kittyhawk Ave.<br />
Unit 5, Auburn<br />
richardmoylan@allstate.com<br />
31 Blake Street, Lewiston • armandautobody.com<br />
Insurance and coverages subject to terms. qualifications and availability. Allstate Property and Casualty Insurance<br />
Company, Allstate Fire and Casualty Insurance Company: Northbrook, Illinois © 2010 Allstate Insurance Company<br />
YOU’LL FALL IN LOVE WITH OUR AUTO LOAN RATES!<br />
Great Falls<br />
Federal Credit Union<br />
www.GreatFallsfcu.com<br />
34 Bates Street, Lewiston • 782-7192<br />
760 Minot Ave., Auburn • 753-0500<br />
*Annual Percentage Rate. Rates beginning at/qualifications restrictions apply<br />
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<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />
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...with<br />
Jimbo<br />
Expires <strong>February</strong> 28, <strong>2017</strong><br />
Feb. <strong>2017</strong> <strong>Uncle</strong>Andys.com 1
Puppy Love<br />
Submitted by Pam Ashby<br />
“I feel there is nothing more artistic than loving people.” — Vincent Van Gogh<br />
When Joe met Betty<br />
he immediately fell in<br />
love with her. She also<br />
seemed to be enjoying<br />
his company greatly.<br />
After dating for some<br />
time Joe decides to<br />
pop the big question to<br />
Betty. Mustering all his<br />
courage one day he<br />
walks up to Betty.<br />
“Ummm…Betty?” Joe<br />
says.<br />
“Yes, Joe.” Betty<br />
replied.<br />
“You know it is really<br />
great to be a bachelor,<br />
but after a period<br />
of time every man<br />
needs someone in<br />
his life-who will make<br />
him feel like a hero,<br />
whom he can claim as<br />
his own, who will love<br />
him unconditionally,<br />
who will be caring and<br />
remain true to him all<br />
the time.” Joe finally<br />
finishes.<br />
Joe was happy to look<br />
up to see understanding<br />
eyes from Betty. He<br />
started to feel elated.<br />
Then Betty nodding<br />
her head in agreement<br />
said “I understand<br />
what you mean and I<br />
totally agree with you,<br />
Joe.<br />
Let’s go and see<br />
where we can find a<br />
puppy for you.”<br />
<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />
2<br />
...with<br />
Jimbo<br />
<strong>February</strong> <strong>2017</strong> 783-7039<br />
He was a boy who loved to play with fire and she was his perfect match.
“Weakness of attitude becomes weakness of character.” — Albert Einstein<br />
MODERN WOODMEN<br />
OF AMERICA<br />
FEBRUARY <strong>2017</strong><br />
Wednesday, Feb. 1st<br />
Schemengees 4-7pm<br />
551 Lincoln St. Lewiston<br />
Mem: $8.50 Guests: $9.50<br />
Saturday, Feb. 4th<br />
Knights of Columbus<br />
Bean Supper 4:30-6:00pm<br />
Max-Gill Hall, Sabattus<br />
Mem: $8 Guests: $8<br />
Sunday, Feb. 5th<br />
American Legion Post 135<br />
Breakfast 7:30 - 10am<br />
Island Rd. Sabattus<br />
Mem: $5 Guests: $6<br />
Tuesday, Feb. 7th<br />
Sam’s Marketplace Mall<br />
12 - 7pm<br />
675 Main St. Lewiston<br />
Mem: $4.50 Guests: $5.50<br />
Friday, Feb. 10th<br />
UMaine Black Bears vs.<br />
Notre Dame 7pm<br />
Cross Insurance Arena<br />
Portland, ME<br />
Members & Guests: $15<br />
Wednesday, Feb. 15th<br />
Grid Iron 4 -7pm<br />
1567 Lisbon St. Lewiston<br />
Mem: $8 Guests: $9.50<br />
Thursday, Feb. 16th<br />
Baxter Tour 4 - 7pm<br />
130 Mill St. Lewiston<br />
Tour @ 4:30 Must be 21+<br />
Members & Guests $1.00<br />
Tuesday, Feb. 21st<br />
Roy’s Breakfast 7 - 10am<br />
5 Washington St. Auburn<br />
Mem: $3.50 Guest: $4.50<br />
Sunday, Feb. 26th<br />
Aero Air Park 12 noon<br />
40 East Ave. Lewiston<br />
Mem: $6 Guests: $8<br />
TICKETS ARE LIMITED – NO RE-<br />
TURNS & NO REFUNDS ALLOWED<br />
Prices, Dates and Menu are subject<br />
to change. If additional info is needed,<br />
please call our office, please do<br />
not call restaurants. All activities can<br />
only be attended at the times listed.<br />
*************************<br />
Tickets need to be purchased at the<br />
Modern Woodmen District Office,<br />
184 Webster Street, Lewiston for all<br />
activities and can only be picked up the<br />
week prior to the activity, Mon – Thurs 9am<br />
- 4pm & Friday 9am - Noon; (excluding<br />
Holidays). Call 782-1833.<br />
When it snows you can either shovel, or make snow angels.<br />
<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />
...with<br />
Jimbo<br />
Feb. <strong>2017</strong> <strong>Uncle</strong>Andys.com 3
<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />
is published by the first<br />
Friday of every month by Maine<br />
Mountain Ocean Group, Inc.<br />
with offices at 9 Grove Street,<br />
Auburn, Maine, USA.<br />
My bank sent me a letter saying it’s the last time they will spend 50 cents to tell me<br />
I have 2 cents in my account.<br />
Published and distributed since<br />
1996 throughout Central Maine<br />
and mailed to subscribers all over<br />
the Free World. Subscriptions<br />
are $30/year.<br />
<strong>Uncle</strong>Andys<strong>Digest</strong>.com<br />
Office: 207-783-7039<br />
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2<br />
<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />
4<br />
While <strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong> tries very hard to<br />
ensure the accuracy of the information in our<br />
client’s advertisements and our publication in<br />
general, we are not responsible for vendor<br />
availability, typographical errors, technical<br />
inaccuracies, product pricing errors, or<br />
omissions.<br />
...with<br />
Jimbo<br />
<strong>February</strong> <strong>2017</strong> 783-7039<br />
Like our name<br />
implies, we’ll<br />
make you<br />
Smile Again!<br />
Sometimes I wonder how you put up with me. Then I remember, oh I put up with you.<br />
So we’re even.<br />
UAD Proof Feb., May 2016 Page tbd
“I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.” – Mitch Hedberg<br />
Out ‘n About at<br />
Mac’s Grill with<br />
Nel Morin<br />
for Food Presentation &<br />
Demonstration<br />
Kristo of Angelo’s &<br />
Nel Morin<br />
Wicked Joe &<br />
<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s are<br />
Wicked good!<br />
217 Turner Street<br />
Auburn<br />
207-783-8545<br />
70 Horton Street<br />
Lewiston<br />
207-784-4584<br />
The most efficient way to kill almost anything living is to plant it in my yard.<br />
Come & Enjoy Our Everyday Specials!<br />
MONDAY<br />
75¢ Wings<br />
Cheeseburger Special<br />
$<br />
5.99<br />
25oz domestic drafts $ 3.50<br />
WEDNESDAY<br />
Mexican Day<br />
3 Beef Tacos $ 4.99<br />
Thatcher’s Burrito $ 6.99<br />
$<br />
5 Well Margaritas<br />
$<br />
3 Coronas<br />
FRIDAY<br />
Fish & Chips<br />
$<br />
8.99<br />
Fried Scallops<br />
$<br />
13.99<br />
SUNDAY<br />
12” cheese pizza $ 5.99<br />
TUESDAY<br />
75¢ Wings<br />
Thatcher’s Burger<br />
BBQ sauce, cheddar, caramelized onions<br />
$<br />
7.99<br />
25oz domestic drafts $ 3.50<br />
THURSDAY<br />
Stuffed Peppers $ 5.99<br />
Buffalo Chicken Salad $ 8.99<br />
$<br />
4.00 microbrews<br />
SATURDAY<br />
Teriyaki tips $ 11.99<br />
with Mashed<br />
2 Hotdogs w/fries $ 4.99<br />
$<br />
3 Honey Blondie<br />
$<br />
5 Well Bloody Mary’s • $ 2 Bud/Bud Lt cans<br />
“A place where family &<br />
friends gather for good food<br />
& cheer at great prices!”<br />
I do this thing called... what I want.<br />
Auburn Mall<br />
207-782-2135<br />
Mon. - Sat. 10:30am - 9pm; Sun. 11am - 5pm<br />
Bryden Smith<br />
No better way to<br />
try new things for the<br />
business!<br />
Scott Seger<br />
of Georgio’s<br />
<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />
...with<br />
Jimbo<br />
Feb. <strong>2017</strong> <strong>Uncle</strong>Andys.com 5
Gifted Hands<br />
Barbershop<br />
Not everyone has to like you. Not everyone has taste.<br />
<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />
6<br />
Barber/Owner, Cody Childs<br />
Cody Childs recently<br />
opened Gifted Hands<br />
Barbershop in Auburn.<br />
Cody has been cutting hair<br />
for a year and a half now.<br />
He was inspired to become<br />
a professional barber by<br />
his <strong>Uncle</strong> Don Borodin.<br />
Don has been a Master<br />
Barber for over 30 years,<br />
and owns a very successful<br />
barbershop in the Lewiston<br />
area, Blais Barbershop.<br />
In June 2015 Childs enrolled<br />
at Aveda Institute of Maine<br />
for the Limited Barbering<br />
program, which specialized<br />
in men and boys hair cuts<br />
and straight razor shaving.<br />
Childs started classes in<br />
October of 2015, and completed<br />
the 800 hour program<br />
in June 2016.<br />
Upon graduation he considered<br />
many job opportunities.<br />
However, he had a<br />
different goal in mind. He<br />
wanted a shop of his own,<br />
a shop that could do both<br />
the classic and trending<br />
styles. Childs wanted a<br />
place you could stop in<br />
and get a good old fashion<br />
straight razor shave with<br />
the hot lather and hot towel<br />
finish. If you’ve had it done<br />
before you know its one of<br />
the finer things in life!<br />
Childs began searching<br />
for a location to indulge<br />
into his own business. On<br />
October 19th, 2016 Childs<br />
opened his shop here in<br />
the L/A community. Cody<br />
Childs is now the proud<br />
owner of Gifted Hands<br />
Barbershop, located 120<br />
Center St., Ste 205 Auburn<br />
ME 04210.<br />
See Gifted Hands ad<br />
on page 32.<br />
...with<br />
Jimbo<br />
<strong>February</strong> <strong>2017</strong> 783-7039<br />
Staging • Redesign • Color Consultation<br />
Window Treatments • Boat Furnishings • Interior Decorating<br />
Before<br />
After<br />
Before<br />
Stefanie Mahr • 978-590-5105 • refresh.207@yahoo.com<br />
The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.<br />
Need Fabric?<br />
We’ve got you covered.<br />
Huge showroom full of fabric for Home, Auto, Marine & More!<br />
fabricwarehouse.com • 104 Washington St. North Auburn • 207.784.7151<br />
Monday - Saturday 9a - 5p • Sunday 10a - 4p<br />
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids, so I interrupted her every<br />
11 seconds until she cried.<br />
After<br />
COUPON<br />
10% OFF<br />
any purchase<br />
20% OFF<br />
any purchase over $ 50<br />
not to be combined with any other coupons or discounts<br />
Coupon must be present at the time of purchase<br />
exp. 2/28/17<br />
#<br />
J
You are going to be fine. You come from a long line of lunatics.<br />
BEADING<br />
PALOOZA!<br />
Feb. 12th<br />
3 Classes<br />
$50<br />
Find out about our NEW classes<br />
on Facebook under Events tab.<br />
Butler Hill<br />
BEADS<br />
For All Your Beading Needs<br />
1022 Minot Ave. Auburn<br />
241-8680 • butlerhillbeadshop@gmail.com<br />
www.butlerhillbeads.com<br />
Check out our expanded<br />
assortment of crystals!<br />
HOURS:<br />
Mon.-Wed. 10a-5p<br />
Th.-Fri. 10am-6p<br />
Sat. 10a-5p<br />
Sun. 11a-3p (Feb.-March)<br />
Out ‘n About with the LHS Cheerleaders for Shriners Cheer Competition<br />
Out ‘n About at<br />
Mac’s Grill with<br />
Nel Morin<br />
for Food Presentation &<br />
Demonstration<br />
YUM!<br />
Linda Morin<br />
Quick! She’s taking<br />
a picture, let’s<br />
look busy.<br />
Nel Morin & Tom<br />
of Grande Cheese<br />
talking shop<br />
!<br />
Front Row: Hailee Ingerson, Tawni Zamrock, Ali Porter, Morgan Allen Middle Row: Maddie Regner,<br />
Jordan Girouard, Maraeka Merchant, Jenna Burton, Maggie Belleau Back row: Brie Melanson,<br />
Jillian Pelletier, Kali Monteiro, Bry Bagnato, Grace Porter, Marissa Larock, Shelby Rucker, Nick Roy,<br />
Megan Gaudette, Sydney Hill, Maddie Morgan, Katelyn Ingerson, Abby Levasseur<br />
<strong>February</strong> Special!<br />
Pizza & garlic knots<br />
provided by The Dough Co.<br />
Thank you Nel,<br />
for hosting this<br />
event!<br />
10% OFF<br />
Any Hair Service with Nuria Koss<br />
New Clients Only exp. 2/28/17<br />
Nuria Koss<br />
232 Center St, Auburn • 207-753-9368 • Walk-ins Welcome<br />
HOURS: Tues – Thurs 9am - 7pm; Fri 9am - 5pm; Sat 9am - 12pm<br />
WIFI was down & I spent 45 minutes trying to fix it. Our dishwasher, broken for<br />
3 weeks... I haven’t touched it.<br />
<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />
...with<br />
Jimbo<br />
Feb. <strong>2017</strong> <strong>Uncle</strong>Andys.com 7
Out ‘n About at<br />
Mac’s Grill with<br />
Nel Morin<br />
for Food Presentation &<br />
Demonstration<br />
I usually don’t<br />
have my picture taken,<br />
but when I do, it’s<br />
for the <strong>Digest</strong>.<br />
Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.<br />
C<br />
Ag<br />
Nikki Labbe &<br />
Jeanne Carpentier<br />
of Blackie’s<br />
Actor’s<br />
Marriage<br />
Submitted by Steve Simard<br />
An aspiring young<br />
actor asked a young<br />
lady’s father if he could<br />
have his daughter’s<br />
hand in marriage. The<br />
father said, “I would<br />
never let my daughter<br />
marry an actor.”<br />
The actor said, “Sir, I<br />
think you may change<br />
your mind if you see<br />
me perform. Won’t you<br />
at least come and see<br />
the play?”<br />
So, the father went<br />
to see the play, and<br />
the next day he called<br />
the actor and says,<br />
“You were right, I did<br />
change my mind. Go<br />
ahead and marry my<br />
daughter. You’re no<br />
actor.”<br />
I like you a lottle. It’s like a little, except a lot.<br />
Our Stars Shine Brighter<br />
Come see us for the rewarding career<br />
you’ve been looking for!<br />
WE’RE HIRING!<br />
Join our team of caring professionals!<br />
Apply online at JFMhomes.org or visit 800 Center St, Auburn.<br />
John F. Murphy Homes, Inc. is an Equal Opportunity Employer and complies with all<br />
local, state, and federal guidelines in its employment practices & services provided.<br />
G<br />
Ove<br />
<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />
8<br />
...with<br />
Jimbo<br />
<strong>February</strong> <strong>2017</strong> 783-7039<br />
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
Convenience Store &<br />
Call Today for<br />
Agency Liquor Store • Lottery<br />
Eat In Dining or Take-Out<br />
207-345-5551<br />
FEBRUARY<br />
SPECIAL:<br />
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$<br />
10.95<br />
Catering Division<br />
Summer Weddings • BBQ’s<br />
Corporate Events • Reunions<br />
& MORE!!<br />
No job too big or too small!<br />
Expires 2.28.17<br />
FREE<br />
COFFEE FRIDAY!<br />
Free 20 oz.<br />
coffee<br />
w/ purchase<br />
of Breakfast Sandwich<br />
every Friday<br />
a Free Quote:<br />
207-345-9009<br />
Professional<br />
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Over 200 menu items to choose from!<br />
DadsPlace.info<br />
DadsPlaceCatering.com<br />
.<br />
23 Pleasant St, Mechanic Falls<br />
<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />
...with<br />
Jimbo<br />
Feb. <strong>2017</strong> <strong>Uncle</strong>Andys.com 9
Out ‘n About at<br />
Village Inn<br />
Sabrina Montiminy<br />
Let me<br />
make you a<br />
drink!<br />
Besides chocolate, you’re my favorite.<br />
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Get a Jump on Spring Sports!<br />
Baseball • Softball<br />
Lacrosse • Track<br />
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Reasonable Pricing<br />
* Promotional Products Pens, Travel mugs, Key tags, &*<br />
Many other Specialty Items<br />
T-shirts, Sweatshirts, Jackets!<br />
CALL US FOR A QUOTE TODAY!<br />
205 Washington Street South, Auburn • 207-784-4184 • coastaltshirts.com<br />
Any day at the<br />
Village Inn is a good<br />
day! Cheers!<br />
Out ‘n About at Village Inn<br />
Joclyn Vallee<br />
I’ll take two!<br />
Mainely Foot<br />
Care & Wellness<br />
Foot Care • Massage<br />
Reflexology • Skin Care<br />
<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />
10<br />
Taylor Blouin<br />
...with<br />
Jimbo<br />
<strong>February</strong> <strong>2017</strong> 783-7039<br />
Kathy Long<br />
Podologist • Aesthetician<br />
Reflexologist • Master Pedicurist<br />
155 Center St. Auburn<br />
784-6699 • mainelyfootcare.com<br />
“I am big! It’s the pictures that got small.” — Sunset Boulevard
y<br />
at NEXT Level we know<br />
YOU TOO<br />
can become<br />
GREAT<br />
“together- we can make any business better”<br />
Kurk<br />
NEXTLevelBusinessCoaching.biz<br />
<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />
...with<br />
Jimbo<br />
Feb. <strong>2017</strong> <strong>Uncle</strong>Andys.com 11
Out ‘n About at<br />
Village Inn<br />
A bargain is something you don’t need at a price you can’t resist.<br />
I love you<br />
Mickey!<br />
Mike Perron<br />
Mickey Vallee<br />
Quotable<br />
Quote<br />
Patience is such a waste of time.<br />
“I love you. Not like<br />
they told you love is,<br />
and I didn’t know this<br />
either, but love don’t<br />
make things nice, it<br />
ruins everything. It<br />
breaks your heart. It<br />
makes things a mess.<br />
We aren’t here to make<br />
things perfect. The<br />
snowflakes are perfect.<br />
The stars are perfect.<br />
Not us. Not us! We are<br />
here to ruin ourselves<br />
and to break our hearts<br />
and love the wrong<br />
people and die.”<br />
— Ronny, Moonstruck<br />
N<br />
<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />
12<br />
...with<br />
Jimbo<br />
<strong>February</strong> <strong>2017</strong> 783-7039<br />
I hear that exercise kills germs. But how do you get the little buggers to exercise?<br />
Be
Don’t rush me, I’m waiting until the last minute.<br />
Out ‘n About at<br />
Village Inn<br />
Cyndi McInnis<br />
Racheal Poulin<br />
Just because it’s a bad idea, doesn’t mean it’s not going to be a good time.<br />
<strong>Uncle</strong><br />
Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong> is<br />
hilarious!<br />
Out ‘n About at Thatcher’s in the Auburn Mall<br />
“Moose”<br />
Steve<br />
Simard, how come<br />
you never take my<br />
picture?<br />
Annette Norton, Mary Eileen McDonald Heaphy III, Nancy Allen<br />
Nancy was celebrating the anniversary of her 29th birthday (we can’t say what<br />
anniversary it was or Jimbo would be hunted down and beaten).<br />
Becoming aware of my character defects leads me to the next step - blaming my parents.<br />
Wendell & Pat<br />
Wheeler<br />
<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />
...with<br />
Jimbo<br />
Feb. <strong>2017</strong> <strong>Uncle</strong>Andys.com 13
Out ‘n About at<br />
John F. Murphy Homes<br />
for the Annual JFM<br />
Appreciation luncheon<br />
I didn’t want to fall in love, not at all, but at some point you smiled and I blew it.<br />
FREE ROOM RENTAL<br />
Book your event HERE in <strong>February</strong> <strong>2017</strong><br />
with a $ 500 minimun in food & beverage.<br />
New bookings only<br />
L<br />
Josh Leen<br />
11 year delivery veteran<br />
Did someone<br />
say pizza?<br />
14 Great Falls Plaza, Auburn<br />
(207) 784-4433<br />
I asked a librarian if she was free this afternoon, she said she was all booked up.<br />
Bo<br />
<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />
14<br />
Connor Eastman<br />
Delivery Assistant<br />
Dave Boucher<br />
Delivery Assistant<br />
Pepperoni<br />
from Luiggi’s!<br />
My favorite!<br />
Aaron Ward<br />
6 year delivery veteran<br />
...with<br />
Jimbo<br />
<strong>February</strong> <strong>2017</strong> 783-7039<br />
Quotable<br />
Quote<br />
“Spread love everywhere<br />
you go: first<br />
of all in your own<br />
house. Give love to<br />
your children, to<br />
your wife or husband,<br />
to a next door<br />
neighbor… Let no<br />
one ever come to<br />
you without leaving<br />
better and happier.<br />
Be the living expression<br />
of God’s<br />
kindness; kindness in<br />
your face, kindness<br />
in your eyes, kindness<br />
in your smile,<br />
kindness in your<br />
warm greeting.”<br />
– Mother Theresa<br />
Dear Lord, there is a bug in your software...it’s called #Monday, please fix it...<br />
Fr<br />
a<br />
E
“Even though <strong>February</strong> is the shortest month of the year, sometimes it seems<br />
like the longest.” – Lorraine Snelling<br />
Look your best. Feel your best!<br />
Guardian<br />
Angel<br />
Submitted by Steve Simard<br />
A man was walking<br />
down a street when he<br />
heard a voice from behind,<br />
“If you take one<br />
more step, a brick will<br />
fall down on your head<br />
and kill you.”<br />
The man stopped and<br />
a big brick fell right in<br />
front of him. The man<br />
was astonished.<br />
Botox & Juvederm • Wrinkle/Spot Removal • Skin Rejuvenation • I-Lipo • Hydrafacial MD<br />
250 Center St, Auburn • Suite 206 (above Cosmo Prof)<br />
207-333-3069 • yourbestskinofmaine.com<br />
When I asked if you’d like to go out on a date sometime, I meant with me.<br />
Lewiston Middle School Cheer Team<br />
He went on, and after<br />
a while he was going<br />
to cross the road.<br />
Once again the voice<br />
shouted, “Stop! Stand<br />
still! If you take one<br />
more step a car will<br />
run over you, and you<br />
will die.”<br />
The man did as he<br />
was instructed, just as<br />
a car came careening<br />
around the corner,<br />
barely missing him.<br />
The man asked. “Who<br />
are you?”<br />
r<br />
“I am your guardian<br />
angel,” the voice<br />
answered.<br />
“Oh, yeah?” the man<br />
exclaimed “And where<br />
the hell were you when<br />
I got married?”<br />
in<br />
sa<br />
Front row L to R: Audriana Hilts, Emily Lowe, Sofia Garcia, Kloe Gizinski, Theresa Shaw, Cielo Escobar,<br />
and Isabelle Dube. Second row from Left to Right, Brianna DesJardins, Katie Lavallee, Maisy Bolduc,<br />
JosiAnna Spearman, Skylar Gelinas, Narliyana Aspilaire, Natalie Hamel. Third row, Alizja Cook,<br />
Elizabeth Homan, Aisha Caron, Charleigh Paradis, Savannah Leonard, Julia Mendes, and Amya Doyle<br />
I just read that 4,153,237 people got married last year. Not to cause any trouble but<br />
shouldn’t that be an even number?<br />
<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />
...with<br />
Jimbo<br />
Feb. <strong>2017</strong> <strong>Uncle</strong>Andys.com 15
Fell Asleep<br />
Submitted by Steve Simard<br />
Mr. Millett, a 2nd grade<br />
teacher, fell asleep in<br />
class and a Little Johnny<br />
walked up to him,<br />
“Mr. Millett, are you<br />
sleeping in class?”<br />
I used to play sports until I realized I could buy trophies... Now I’m good at everything.<br />
Can You Hear Me Now?<br />
You will after our FREE hearing exam!<br />
Nancy Whittier<br />
“No, I am not sleeping<br />
in class.” responded<br />
Mr. Millett.<br />
Little Johnny says,<br />
“Then what were you<br />
doing?”<br />
Mr. Millett replies, “I<br />
was talking to God.”<br />
The next day Little<br />
Johnny fell asleep in<br />
class and Mr. Millett<br />
walks up to him and<br />
says “Johnny, you are<br />
sleeping in my class?”<br />
Little Johnny says,<br />
“No, not me, I am not<br />
sleeping.”<br />
Mr. Millett then asks,<br />
“Then, what were you<br />
doing?”<br />
Little Johnny replies, “I<br />
was talking to God.”<br />
Angry, Mr. Millett says<br />
“So, what did He have<br />
to say?”<br />
Little Johnny responded<br />
with a smirk, “God<br />
said, He never spoke to<br />
you yesterday.”<br />
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We Offer Beard Grooming!<br />
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All day – Every day! Walk-ins welcome.<br />
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Marcel’s<br />
54 Mill Street, New Auburn • 783-3444<br />
OPEN: Tues-Fri 7:30am - 5:30pm; Sat 7:30am - 2pm<br />
Baby, it’s<br />
COLD OUTSIDE!<br />
Ductless heat pumps are super quiet & efficient.<br />
Up<br />
to a<br />
$<br />
12<br />
$<br />
750 Rebate<br />
from Efficiency Maine<br />
L<br />
137 Spring St, Auburn 207-786-3246<br />
NadeausRefrigeration.com<br />
<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />
16<br />
...with<br />
Jimbo<br />
<strong>February</strong> <strong>2017</strong> 783-7039<br />
World’s shortest joke: Two women are sitting quietly.
.<br />
r<br />
“It’s so nice to see you finally working together,” I tell my kids as they overthrow me.<br />
Out & About at <strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />
Lydia is the office mascot. As you can see it’s a tough job.<br />
Call for a Tour<br />
Rosemary Camire Knight<br />
207-783-0961<br />
Home for Senior Women<br />
41 Pleasant Street, Auburn<br />
www.chapmanhouse.org<br />
At the bank, I told the cashier, “I’d like to open a joint account please.” “OK, with whom?”<br />
“Whoever has lots of money.”<br />
It’s ok to let a fool kiss you, but don’t let a kiss fool you.<br />
t.<br />
Blackie’s Farm<br />
Fresh Produce<br />
Open Year Round<br />
966 Minot Ave, Auburn<br />
207-786-0005<br />
6am - 8pm<br />
“Where you’re treated like family.”<br />
THOMAS BAUER, DDS, MS<br />
1 Willow Run, Mt. Auburn Ave, Auburn<br />
784-8587 or (888) 895-6801<br />
AndroscogginOrtho.com<br />
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.<br />
<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />
...with<br />
Jimbo<br />
Feb. <strong>2017</strong> <strong>Uncle</strong>Andys.com 17<br />
UAD Proof JULY 2015 Page 39
Blind Love?<br />
Submitted by Pam Ashby<br />
Don’t confuse an open mind with one that’s vacant.<br />
In California lived a<br />
blind girl. She had been<br />
blind since childhood<br />
and was sad about her<br />
shortcoming. No one<br />
wanted her except her<br />
boyfriend who loved<br />
her very much.<br />
One day they got news<br />
from the health department<br />
that someone has<br />
agreed to donate eyes<br />
to the blind girl. The girl<br />
was excited knowing<br />
that now, after so many<br />
years she would be<br />
able to see from her<br />
own eyes. She expressed<br />
her excitement<br />
with her boyfriend.<br />
Listening to this, her<br />
boyfriend just smiled<br />
and hugged her, letting<br />
her know he loved her<br />
no matter what. The<br />
day arrived and the operation<br />
was a success.<br />
When she opened her<br />
eyes she called for<br />
her boyfriend, but she<br />
learned to know that<br />
he would not be able<br />
to come. One day, her<br />
boyfriend returned to<br />
her. He had gone blind.<br />
My short-term memory is not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my short-term memory is<br />
not as sharp as it used to be.<br />
He proposed marriage<br />
to her but seeing him<br />
blind she declined the<br />
offer. She said that now<br />
that she could see why<br />
would she marry a blind<br />
person and take the<br />
burden for life. He went<br />
away brokenhearted<br />
and said “Take care of<br />
yourself and my eyes”<br />
before leaving. She did<br />
not know that the eyes<br />
through, which she<br />
could see now where<br />
her boyfriend’s.<br />
<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />
18<br />
...with<br />
Jimbo<br />
<strong>February</strong> <strong>2017</strong> 783-7039<br />
I didn’t fall for you... you tripped me.
A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.<br />
Out ‘n About at<br />
John F. Murphy Homes<br />
for the Annual JFM<br />
Appreciation luncheon<br />
Thank you for<br />
the goodie bag,<br />
Jimbo! (especially the<br />
candy!)<br />
Jimbo & Aaron Ward<br />
High five to<br />
everyone who reads<br />
<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s!<br />
s<br />
Chris Salley<br />
2 year delivery veteran<br />
Derek Leeman<br />
1 year delivery veteran<br />
Chris Call<br />
11 year delivery veteran<br />
Some people have no respect for age unless it’s bottled.<br />
<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />
...with<br />
Jimbo<br />
Feb. <strong>2017</strong> <strong>Uncle</strong>Andys.com 19
Do You Have<br />
The Time?<br />
Submitted by Thomas Hill<br />
Paula had been driving<br />
all night and was still<br />
at least six hours away<br />
from her destination. It<br />
was almost ten o’clock<br />
in the morning and<br />
she was extremely<br />
fatigued. After dozing<br />
off and nearly crashing<br />
into a telephone pole,<br />
she decided to pull<br />
into a rest area. Paula<br />
switched off the engine<br />
and closed her eyes<br />
and drifted off, gratefully,<br />
to sleep.<br />
I don’t go crazy. I am crazy. I go normal from time to time.<br />
Great Listening<br />
&<br />
Lots of Fun<br />
Here are recent guests from<br />
L<br />
As she did an old man<br />
in a bright yellow jogging<br />
tracksuit knocked<br />
on her window, scaring<br />
her half to death.<br />
“Sorry to wake you,<br />
ma’am,” he huffed, jogging<br />
on the spot, “But<br />
can you tell me what<br />
time it is?”<br />
Paula glanced at her<br />
watch. “10:00,” she<br />
answered through the<br />
window.<br />
Sheriff Eric Samson<br />
Jon “Bowzer” Bauman, Sha Na Na<br />
& Co-Founder of Senior Voices Count<br />
Jackie Conn, General Manager,<br />
Weight Watchers Maine<br />
The old man thanked<br />
her, then left.<br />
“Just my luck,” she<br />
muttered. “I’m parked<br />
on someone’s jogging<br />
route.” With a sigh, she<br />
settled back into her<br />
seat and tried again to<br />
fall asleep.<br />
Michael Stoddard, Executive<br />
Director Efficiency Maine<br />
Scott Neal & Nathan Doyle,<br />
Compounding Solutions<br />
Shanna Breton, Poise Yoga studio<br />
& Foot Sanctuary<br />
P<br />
Two male joggers in<br />
their thirties knocked<br />
on her window. If she<br />
hadn’t been so dead<br />
tired, she may have<br />
found them attractive.<br />
<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />
20<br />
(continued on page 22)<br />
...with<br />
Jimbo<br />
<strong>February</strong> <strong>2017</strong> 783-7039<br />
GLEASON MEDIA SERVICES<br />
555 Center Street, Auburn • 207-784-5868 • MainesBIGZ.com<br />
I wonder how many calories people burn jumping to conclusions?
Love is a weird thing. You pick a human and you’re like, yes, I love this one. I’ll let this<br />
one ruin my life forever.<br />
1472 Lisbon St.<br />
Lewiston<br />
Where Good Times Happen<br />
207-376-3870 • chickadeelewiston.com<br />
THE NEW & IMPROVED<br />
CHICK-A-DEE OF LEWISTON<br />
Come Check Out Our Newly Remodeled Lounge Area<br />
12 Beers on Tap!<br />
Out ‘n About at<br />
John F. Murphy Homes<br />
for the Annual JFM<br />
Appreciation luncheon<br />
These smiles usually<br />
means we’re up to<br />
no good.<br />
Tracy Draper &<br />
Tom Hill<br />
You mean<br />
I actually get<br />
paid?!<br />
Adult Case Management Services, Now Accepting Clients!<br />
OUR SERVICES:<br />
• Case Management<br />
• Housing Resources<br />
12 Bates St. Lewiston - 795-6710<br />
PO Box 1319 Lewiston 04243-1319<br />
www.commonties.org<br />
PATRIOT’S NATION<br />
DRIVE<br />
FOR<br />
FIVE<br />
to Quality Care Auto<br />
all of your automotive repairs<br />
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MUST mention ad to get $5 off. Does not include state inspections. Expires 2.28.17<br />
Quality Care Auto<br />
183 Lisbon St, Lisbon • 207-353-9862 • www.QCA.me<br />
What’s a queen without her king? Well, historically speaking, more powerful.<br />
Mike Dudley<br />
11 year delivery veteran<br />
Eat up!<br />
You guys have<br />
earned it!<br />
Cassandra Harney<br />
My life is a romantic<br />
comedy, except there’s<br />
no romance, it’s just<br />
me laughing at my own<br />
jokes.<br />
<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />
...with<br />
Jimbo<br />
Feb. <strong>2017</strong> <strong>Uncle</strong>Andys.com 21
(continued from page 20)<br />
Now, they were just<br />
annoying.<br />
“Hi,” said the first.<br />
“Do you have the<br />
time?” his fair-haired<br />
friend asked.<br />
Paula let out a big sigh<br />
and said, looking at<br />
her watch. “10:08.”<br />
“Thanks,” they smiled<br />
as they jogged off.<br />
Paula looked down the<br />
road and saw more<br />
joggers coming her<br />
way. Now irritated,<br />
she found a pen from<br />
the glove box and<br />
scrawled: “I DO NOT<br />
KNOW THE TIME” on<br />
the back of a magazine.<br />
She put the hastily<br />
constructed sign in<br />
the window and settled<br />
back to sleep.<br />
Soon a thin, pale<br />
jogger knocked on the<br />
window just as she<br />
had started dozing off.<br />
Paula pointed at the<br />
sign and shouted, “For<br />
goodness sake, can’t<br />
you read?”<br />
To which he replied,<br />
“Sure I can, ma’am. I<br />
just wanted to let you<br />
know: It’s 10:10.”<br />
Spread love as thick as you would Nutella.<br />
Our 6th<br />
Annual<br />
Competition!<br />
THE MAIN EVENT<br />
Saturday, March 4th, <strong>2017</strong><br />
Reception at 6pm • Show starts at 7:30pm<br />
Franco Center, Lewiston<br />
Tickets start at $25<br />
Tickets available at the Franco Center Box Office 207-783-1585<br />
For ticket purchases online: www.sandcastlemaine.org<br />
1st Prize $750<br />
2nd Prize $500<br />
3rd Prize $250<br />
C<br />
O<br />
Sponsorships Available.<br />
Please call 207-782-2150<br />
All proceeds to benefit Sandcastle Clinical &<br />
Educational Services and L/A Hearing Center.<br />
www.sandcastlemaine.org<br />
www.lahearingcenter.org<br />
<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />
22<br />
...with<br />
Jimbo<br />
<strong>February</strong> <strong>2017</strong> 783-7039<br />
Is UGH an emotion? Because I feel it all the time.
Let’s cuddle so I can steal your body heat.<br />
CONVERT YOUR SPACE INTO A GROW ROOM<br />
We build rooms of all sizes<br />
Through the Years<br />
with Steve Grenier<br />
of Main St. Music celebrating<br />
his 30 years of teaching<br />
LA Harley Band<br />
Call for a FREE Consultation!<br />
HOME IMPROVEMENT SERVICES<br />
Call Rick at 207-837-3784<br />
with Chris Rush<br />
I’m wearing the smile you gave me.<br />
Maine’s Favorite Truck Dealership<br />
Over a dozen Chevrolet<br />
Colorado’s in stock!<br />
Over 100 Silverado’s<br />
in stock!<br />
5 Star<br />
Dealership<br />
DealerRater.com<br />
& Cars.com<br />
Rt. 4 Center St, Auburn • 207.784.3503 • 1.800.696.0766<br />
www.emersonchevy.com • M-F 8am-7pm; Sat 8am-5pm<br />
“Trust me, you can dance.” — Vodka<br />
with daughter<br />
Amanda Grenier<br />
<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />
...with<br />
Jimbo<br />
Feb. <strong>2017</strong> <strong>Uncle</strong>Andys.com 23
Bought a<br />
Ferrari<br />
Submitted by Steve Simard<br />
I think you’re suffering from a lack of vitamin ME.<br />
Lady: Do you smoke?<br />
Man: Yes<br />
Lady: How many packs<br />
a day?<br />
Man: 3 packs<br />
Lady: How much per<br />
pack?<br />
Man: About $10.00<br />
Lady: How long have<br />
you been smoking?<br />
Man: 15 years<br />
Lady: So 1 pack cost<br />
$10.00 and you have<br />
3 packs a day which<br />
puts your spending<br />
each month at $900. In<br />
one year, it would be<br />
$10,800 correct?<br />
Man: Correct<br />
Lady: If in 1 year you<br />
spend $10,800 not<br />
accounting for inflation,<br />
the past 15 years<br />
puts your spending at<br />
$162,000 correct?<br />
Man: Correct<br />
Lady: Do you know that<br />
if you hadn’t smoked,<br />
that money could have<br />
been put in a step-up<br />
interest savings account<br />
and after accounting<br />
for compound<br />
interest for the past 15<br />
years, you could have<br />
now bought a Ferrari?<br />
Man: Do you smoke?<br />
Lady: No<br />
Man: Where’s your<br />
Ferrari then?<br />
<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />
24<br />
...with<br />
Jimbo<br />
<strong>February</strong> <strong>2017</strong> 783-7039<br />
Beauty captures the eye, but personality captures the heart.<br />
UAD Proof Feb., April, June, Aug., Oct., Dec. <strong>2017</strong>
CELEBRATE<br />
with the one<br />
you LOVE<br />
this<br />
Valentine’s<br />
at<br />
Mac’s Grill<br />
20% off all<br />
Burgers every<br />
Monday!<br />
30% off all<br />
drafts every<br />
Monday!<br />
017<br />
1052 Minot Avenue, Auburn • 207-783-6885 • MacsGrill.com<br />
<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />
...with<br />
Jimbo<br />
Feb. <strong>2017</strong> <strong>Uncle</strong>Andys.com 25
<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />
26<br />
Steve Grenier<br />
Celebrating 30 Years<br />
Teaching Music<br />
Steve’s love for music began<br />
when he was nine years<br />
old. St. Louis School in New<br />
Auburn offered a free string<br />
program to all interested<br />
students. Steve enrolled and<br />
soon excelled. After a very<br />
short time, he was being<br />
shuttled to a different school<br />
to play with more advance<br />
students.<br />
In 1985 he began guitar<br />
lessons at Carroll’s Music<br />
Center with local guitarist<br />
Denny Breau. After a year of<br />
lessons, Denny told Steve to<br />
“take six months to play what<br />
we have worked on and call<br />
me to restart lessons.” Anxious<br />
as Steve was to learn,<br />
he called to set up lessons<br />
three months later. After two<br />
lessons Denny approached<br />
co-owner Colleen Poulin and<br />
said to her, “Steve doesn’t<br />
need lessons, he needs students.<br />
Sign him up to teach.”<br />
And so began the journey.<br />
Steve’s life-long music teaching<br />
career started in 1987,<br />
at age 16, teaching guitar at<br />
Carroll’s Music Center.<br />
In 2009, Carroll and Collen<br />
announced the closure<br />
of Carroll’s Music Center.<br />
Unwilling to let go of the<br />
years of work and training<br />
Steve put into his career, he<br />
partnered with co-worker and<br />
friend Arthur Melendy and<br />
the two of them opened Main<br />
Street Music Lessons five<br />
weeks later. “Our students<br />
never missed a lesson in<br />
the transition,” says Steve...<br />
Almost eight years later they<br />
have grown into an amazing<br />
small business with ties deep<br />
into the community.<br />
Currently Steve can be found<br />
at Main Street Music Lessons<br />
teaching and repairing<br />
instruments or on stage with<br />
the L.A. Harley Band and<br />
latest adventure, his new<br />
band Fire in the Hole.<br />
Contact Steve at<br />
stevenjgrenier@gmail.com<br />
...with<br />
Jimbo<br />
<strong>February</strong> <strong>2017</strong> 783-7039<br />
Marry the one who gives you the same feeling you get when you see food<br />
coming at a restaurant.<br />
Main St. Music Lessons<br />
& Instrument Repair<br />
STEVE GRENIER<br />
CELEBRATING 30 YEARS IN<br />
THE MUSIC BUSINESS!<br />
Steve Grenier & Arthur Melendy<br />
Owners of Main St. Music<br />
134 Main St., Auburn 376-3376<br />
www.mainstreetmusiclessons.com<br />
“This is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.” — Casablanca<br />
F<br />
“Af<br />
N<br />
S<br />
R<br />
C<br />
V<br />
A
“Carpe diem. Seize the day, boys.” — Dead Poets Society<br />
For Any Disaster, Call ServiceMASTER!<br />
Emergency Response • Commercial Cleaning<br />
Water Damage • Fire/Soot/Smoke Damage<br />
Mold • Carpets • Hard Surface Floors • And More!<br />
Through the Years<br />
with Steve Grenier<br />
of Main St. Music celebrating<br />
his 30 years of teaching<br />
29 Brickyard Circle, Auburn<br />
(800) 244-7630 • (207) 539-4452<br />
smfireandwater.com<br />
smcarpetcleaning.com<br />
“After being with you, no one can tell me that I haven’t touched the stars.” — A.R. Asher<br />
NEW AUBURN SOCIAL CLUB<br />
7 SECOND ST. AUBURN • 782-9039<br />
SUPPER BOWL PARTY<br />
Feb. 5 th • 4:30 - 6:30pm - Members Only<br />
Chili & Chowder Cook-off & Potluck, Judging at 5pm<br />
Free Jukebox until 6:30 • Game @ 6:30 open until end of game<br />
RAFFLES<br />
Beer & Drink<br />
Specials<br />
Valentines Dinner<br />
Sunday <strong>February</strong> 12th • 5pm - Members Only<br />
$15pp or $25/couple<br />
After Dinner Couples Newly Wed Game<br />
Prizes Galore!<br />
We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.<br />
with the Breau<br />
Family<br />
<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />
...with<br />
Jimbo<br />
Feb. <strong>2017</strong> <strong>Uncle</strong>Andys.com 27
Copy & Paste<br />
Submitted by Steve Simard<br />
I may not be Wonder Woman but I can do things that make you wonder.<br />
Janet went to an electronic<br />
shop in anger<br />
and threw her new laptop<br />
on the desk at the<br />
salesman from whom<br />
she bought it from.<br />
Janet yelled at the<br />
salesman saying she<br />
is unable to transfer<br />
her files from her<br />
previous computer to<br />
this one.<br />
Salesman says,<br />
“Janet, can you please<br />
show me how you<br />
have tried to transfer<br />
your files?”<br />
So Janet showed him<br />
how it didn’t work:<br />
1) Right clicked the<br />
mouse on the file<br />
which she wanted to<br />
transfer and selected<br />
COPY option.<br />
2) Disconnected the<br />
mouse from that<br />
computer.<br />
3) Took that mouse<br />
carefully and connected<br />
it to the other<br />
computer where she<br />
wanted to copy that<br />
file.<br />
4) Right clicked the<br />
mouse and selected<br />
the PASTE option.<br />
The Salesman<br />
fainted…<br />
<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />
28<br />
...with<br />
Jimbo<br />
<strong>February</strong> <strong>2017</strong> 783-7039<br />
Too old for Snapchat and too young for Life Alert.
Sorry for being late. I got caught up enjoying my last few minutes of not being here.<br />
Voted Best<br />
Plumber 2 years<br />
in a row!<br />
2015 & 2016<br />
Call Ray Today!<br />
Through the Years<br />
with Steve Grenier<br />
of Main St. Music celebrating<br />
his 30 years of teaching<br />
Experience Professional &<br />
Expert Heating & Plumbing<br />
Services<br />
Ray Hurilla Plumbing & Heating Co.<br />
207-485-7357<br />
RayHurillaPlumbingandHeating.com<br />
LA Harley Band<br />
Auburn Police Officer<br />
Andy Jarman,<br />
in the middle of an investigation,<br />
thought he might find the perpetrator<br />
at the offices of <strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s<br />
<strong>Digest</strong>. Jimbo told him that<br />
Tim Rucker was definitely guilty<br />
and should be locked up! Officer<br />
Jarman did learn that the <strong>Digest</strong><br />
was the favorite rag that the Auburn<br />
PD liked to read (when not<br />
on duty of course).<br />
with Joe Satrian<br />
with Nate Telow<br />
with Remo<br />
I followed my heart. It led me to the fridge.<br />
<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />
...with<br />
Jimbo<br />
Feb. <strong>2017</strong> <strong>Uncle</strong>Andys.com 29
Through the Years<br />
with Steve Grenier<br />
of Main St. Music celebrating<br />
his 30 years of teaching<br />
I am easily satisfied with the very best.<br />
We have buyers searching NOW for the following homes:<br />
Single Family home with first floor master bedroom...................................... $175,000-$225,000<br />
Executive Ranch............................................................................................$250,000-$350,000<br />
Lakefront Camp...................................................................................................under $400,000<br />
If you know someone who wants to sell a home that fits the above descriptions, call us TODAY!<br />
If<br />
Marnie DuBois<br />
207-344-3230<br />
195 Center St. • Auburn • DuBoisRealtyGroup.net<br />
<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s<br />
<strong>Digest</strong><br />
Hi Anna,<br />
<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />
30<br />
July 2016<br />
AD PROOF<br />
Please review your<br />
proof carefully. It<br />
will run as you see<br />
it if changes are not<br />
received by<br />
June 22nd<br />
sporting the Edward<br />
Little Band outfit<br />
Thank you!<br />
Why Jimbo do people ask<br />
“how was work?”<br />
office 783-7039<br />
Like, fax 777-3898 work is work.<br />
ads@<strong>Uncle</strong>Andys.com<br />
I would rather be in<br />
Europe right now, on a<br />
yacht, in the sun with<br />
a cold beverage in my<br />
hand... but here I am.<br />
...with<br />
Jimbo<br />
<strong>February</strong> <strong>2017</strong> 783-7039<br />
NOW SERVING LEWISTON/AUBURN AREA<br />
Heating Oil • K-1 Kerosene • Bulk Diesel<br />
Federal Firearms License<br />
Gun Background Checks/Transfers<br />
Fire Arms Transfers $25 per transfer<br />
Locally Owned<br />
& Operated<br />
Competitive<br />
Pricing!<br />
Now Accepting<br />
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licensed by state and local governments<br />
UAD Proof July 2016 Page tbd<br />
Only 25 Minutes from Auburn & Gray<br />
1190 Main Street, Oxford<br />
207-743-0709 or<br />
Toll free: 1-877-743-0709<br />
Open Mon-Sat. 9am - 5pm<br />
10,000 Sq. ft. of Retail Space all under one roof!<br />
Pawnshop Industry Facts<br />
• Pawnshops are required to report EVERY pawn or<br />
purchase transaction to their local police department<br />
• These police reports have shown that pawnshops<br />
received less than one tenth of 1% of items reported<br />
stolen or lost<br />
• Pawn businesses are heavily regulated and<br />
• Pawn loans are usually small, short-term loans<br />
as evidenced by the low national average loan<br />
amount of $80 and have no negative credit effect.<br />
Upon removing his boots at Waterloo, Napoleon could smell defeat.<br />
C<br />
S
:<br />
Y!<br />
f!<br />
t<br />
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple. You’d have to poison<br />
an eclair or something.<br />
“Ta-Da” list. A list where I write down everything I’ve already done.<br />
SABATTUS MAIN STREET MARKET<br />
2 Main Street, Sabattus 375-8502<br />
For take-out,<br />
groceries,<br />
fresh meats,<br />
cold beer<br />
& more!<br />
Try us once,<br />
you’ll be a regular<br />
customer!<br />
Check out our daily specials!<br />
OPEN 7 Days 6am - 8pm<br />
Expense<br />
Submitted by Steve Simard<br />
A man walks past a<br />
beggar every day and<br />
gives him $10 and<br />
continues that for a<br />
year. Suddenly the<br />
daily donation changes<br />
to $7.<br />
“Well,” the beggar<br />
thinks, “it’s still better<br />
than nothing.”<br />
A year passes in this<br />
way until the man’s<br />
daily donation suddenly<br />
becomes $3.<br />
“What’s going on<br />
now?” the beggar asks<br />
his donor.<br />
“First you give me $10<br />
every day, then $7 and<br />
now only $3. What’s<br />
the problem?”<br />
“Well,” the man says,<br />
“last year my eldest<br />
son went to university.<br />
It’s very expensive, so<br />
I had to cut costs. This<br />
year my daughter also<br />
went to university, so I<br />
had to cut my expenses<br />
even further.”<br />
“And how many children<br />
do you have?” the<br />
beggar asks.<br />
“Four,” the man<br />
replies.<br />
“Well,” says the beggar,<br />
“I hope you don’t<br />
plan to educate them<br />
all at my expense.”<br />
May not be combined with daily specials. Exp 2.28.17<br />
“If you fall, I’ll be there.” — The Ground<br />
<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />
...with<br />
Jimbo<br />
Feb. <strong>2017</strong> <strong>Uncle</strong>Andys.com 31
CALL THE PROS<br />
FIRE SPRINKLERS SAVE LIVES!<br />
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Installation • Service • Inspections<br />
Dan Banker • 207-838-8930<br />
The only thing we don’t throw away is our customer service!<br />
SERVING<br />
Oxford Hills • Lewiston/Auburn• McFalls/Minot/Poland<br />
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This & A Whole Lot More!<br />
E<br />
Walk-ins<br />
Welcome!<br />
Hair Cuts starting at $ 12<br />
120 Center St. Auburn • 241-8815<br />
Next to VIP Eyes<br />
Milwaukee Power Tools Nuts, bolts, fasteners We make keys!<br />
61 Mill Street, New Auburn<br />
207-783-6927 • MySelco.com<br />
Mon-Fri 7:30-5:30 • Sat. 8-4<br />
C<br />
Quality is Our Business<br />
786-4414<br />
LEWISTON, MAINE<br />
COMPLETE INTERIOR/EXTERIOR REMODELING<br />
Insured & References<br />
Straightlineroof.com<br />
REDEMPTION CENTER<br />
6<br />
on all 5¢ returns<br />
¢ with this coupon.<br />
(must present coupon at Redemption Center prior to counting)<br />
Located in the building behind Dad’s Place<br />
Hours: Monday - Sunday 9am - 5pm<br />
(closed Tuesdays & Major Holidays) UAD exp.2.28.17<br />
Your Sweetheart<br />
deserves a massage!<br />
Call to book an appointment or buy a gift certificate<br />
185 Webster St. Lewiston • 207-240-6415<br />
Con<br />
CO<br />
Kn<br />
<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />
32<br />
...with<br />
Jimbo<br />
<strong>February</strong> <strong>2017</strong> 783-7039<br />
“When the power of love overcomes the love of power, then the world will know peace.”<br />
– Jimi Hendrix
CALL THE PROS<br />
H<br />
74<br />
25 Fern Street, Turner<br />
207-225-5012<br />
RACHEL LARRIVEE MASSAGE THERAPY<br />
10 Years Experience<br />
e!<br />
m<br />
Winter is Here... and so are we.<br />
Free<br />
Estimates<br />
Commercial Cleaning, LLC<br />
478 Sabattus St., Lewiston • 786-4052<br />
Commercial • Residential • Industrial<br />
Walk-ins Welcome<br />
Newly expanded studio<br />
& services<br />
183 Main St. Lewiston • 754-7707<br />
LewistonMassage.com<br />
LaBonte Financial Services, Inc.<br />
Accounting &<br />
Financial Planning<br />
Specialist<br />
Bert LaBonte, CPA, MBA, MST<br />
155 Center Street, Auburn<br />
782-9500 • bglcpa@aol.com<br />
LYAF<br />
Couples Massage<br />
Check Our website<br />
for more info, bookings<br />
& Gift Certificates<br />
Over<br />
30 years<br />
Experience<br />
Over 30years<br />
Experience!<br />
$<br />
10 up to<br />
48 cards<br />
Games pay<br />
$<br />
50- $ 100<br />
Connie Norton<br />
Color • Highlights • Perms • Razor Cuts<br />
• Flat Tops • Fades • Regular Cuts<br />
Senior Citizens Welcome<br />
207-784-2545<br />
26 Nickerson Ave, Auburn<br />
(behind Great Falls Credit Union)<br />
Join us for some AFFORDABLE FUN!<br />
Sunday @ 6pm •Thursday & Friday @ 6:30<br />
Pleasant Street Bingo Hall<br />
475 Pleasant St., Lewiston • 777-1394<br />
CALL US TODAY!<br />
CORPORATE INTELLIGENCE<br />
207-783-0000<br />
KnowWhoYouHire.com<br />
“The intelligent choice<br />
for today’s world.”<br />
Next<br />
.”<br />
The larger the lake of knowledge the longer the shore of wonder.<br />
<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />
...with<br />
Jimbo<br />
Feb. <strong>2017</strong> <strong>Uncle</strong>Andys.com 33
<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />
34<br />
Backwards<br />
Submitted by Jimbo<br />
When Timmy went in<br />
for an interview at ABC<br />
company, he was hired<br />
after a very brief interview.<br />
A little skeptical<br />
at first, Timmy asked<br />
the company representative<br />
a few questions.<br />
It went like this.<br />
ABC: Trust me, this<br />
company could really<br />
use someone new.<br />
Timmy: If there is too<br />
much work, I’m going<br />
to quit.<br />
ABC: We’d NEVER<br />
let something like that<br />
happen.<br />
Timmy: Do employees<br />
get every Saturday<br />
and Sunday off?<br />
ABC: That’s a given.<br />
Timmy: Are employees<br />
required to work overtime<br />
without pay?<br />
ABC: No way. Where<br />
did you even come up<br />
with such a ridiculous<br />
idea?<br />
Timmy: Are meals<br />
subsidized?<br />
ABC: You BET!<br />
Timmy: Do the new<br />
employees usually<br />
end up doing ALL the<br />
work?<br />
ABC: That’s impossible.<br />
There are so many<br />
other experienced people<br />
in our company.<br />
(continued on next page)<br />
...with<br />
Jimbo<br />
<strong>February</strong> <strong>2017</strong> 783-7039<br />
Don’t judge a book by its movie.<br />
If I knew grandchildren were going to be this much fun, I would have had them first!<br />
1<br />
Q<br />
F<br />
L<br />
Bra<br />
“Y
Working in a mirror factory is something I can totally see myself doing.<br />
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QUOTES<br />
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excavating<br />
Inc.<br />
Andy Morin<br />
207.784.8293<br />
cell: 207.576.4714<br />
amorinexc@roadrunner.com<br />
Out ‘n About<br />
If you see<br />
me in <strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s<br />
<strong>Digest</strong>, give me a call.<br />
See our ad on page<br />
32.<br />
FREE Estimates • Reasonable Rates<br />
Call Chrissy TODAY!<br />
Locally Owned & Operated • Satisfaction Guaranteed<br />
Giving Back to our Community<br />
Proud sponsor of “Cleaning for a Reason”<br />
• Office Cleaning<br />
• House Cleaning<br />
• Janitorial Services<br />
• Customized Cleaning<br />
• Floor Services<br />
chrissysdownhomecleaning@gmail.com<br />
Brad’s Precision Auto<br />
144 Riverside Dr., Auburn • 207-333-0364<br />
Any Make... Any Model... Any Problem...<br />
Don’t let car troubles<br />
bury you this winter!<br />
Brad’s mechanics: Marek, Mallory, Eli, Justin, Dan & John<br />
NO<br />
PROBLEM!<br />
• Appointments<br />
required<br />
• Fully warranteed<br />
& certified<br />
• $68/hr labor rate<br />
“You can always tell when a man’s well-informed. His views are pretty much like yours.”<br />
– Bob Hope<br />
Dan Banker<br />
Alternative Sprinkler Fire<br />
Protection<br />
(continued from previous page)<br />
Timmy: If I did well,<br />
would I ever become a<br />
manager?<br />
ABC: Yes. Absolutely.<br />
Timmy: Wow. Is this for<br />
real?<br />
After working there<br />
for several months,<br />
Timmy noticed that the<br />
job wasn’t panning out<br />
the way he had been<br />
promised. Quite upset,<br />
he went to file a complaint<br />
to the HR department.<br />
The next day,<br />
Timmy was summoned<br />
into the management’s<br />
office, where they<br />
threatened to fire him<br />
for voicing out.<br />
To see his conversation<br />
with the management,<br />
read the conversation<br />
above again....<br />
backwards.<br />
<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />
...with<br />
Jimbo<br />
Feb. <strong>2017</strong> <strong>Uncle</strong>Andys.com 35
Out ‘n About<br />
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup<br />
for you in these convenient boxes.<br />
Having fun at<br />
work, well ya!<br />
See our ad on<br />
page 31.<br />
#aeroairpark<br />
www.aeroairpark.com<br />
Kacie, the Crinkle Cut Kid,<br />
Nikki, the Soda Pop Queen<br />
& Taylor, the Hot Chili<br />
Sauce Momma<br />
Rumor has it that the big<br />
bossman, Brad, is considering<br />
making this their every<br />
day work attire. Go see<br />
these gals and the whole<br />
gang at Sabattus Main<br />
Street Market.<br />
40 East Ave. Lewiston Next to Sea40<br />
207-783-3888<br />
Visit Our Website for<br />
Hop & Hibachi<br />
Birthday Party Options<br />
Hours: Mon-Thurs. 11a-8p;<br />
Fri. 11a-11p; Sat. 10a-11p<br />
Sun. 10a-9p<br />
L<br />
F<br />
F<br />
F<br />
F<br />
Quotable<br />
Quote<br />
“I hope that in this year<br />
to come, you make<br />
mistakes. Because if you<br />
are making mistakes,<br />
then you are making new<br />
things, trying new things,<br />
learning, living, pushing<br />
yourself, changing yourself,<br />
changing your world.<br />
You’re doing things<br />
you’ve never done before,<br />
and more importantly,<br />
you’re doing something.”<br />
– Neil Gaiman<br />
Jump Under<br />
Party Lights<br />
Fri. & Sat. Nights<br />
Group<br />
Discounts<br />
30% Discount<br />
for 30 or More guests.<br />
school groups, daycare centers,<br />
Rec Programs & More<br />
Call to Reserve Your Space Today!<br />
Buy 1 hour<br />
jump get 2nd<br />
jumper at<br />
1/2 price<br />
not to be combined<br />
with any other offer<br />
exp. 2/28/17<br />
#<br />
<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />
36<br />
...with<br />
Jimbo<br />
<strong>February</strong> <strong>2017</strong> 783-7039<br />
The older I get, the earlier it gets late.
The longer I stay at home, the more homeless I look.<br />
Wedding Time<br />
Submitted by Steve Simard<br />
Japanese Cuisine<br />
LA’s One & Only True<br />
Habachi Experience!<br />
LIVE MUSIC EVERY THURSDAY<br />
Feb. 2 - The Court Jesters<br />
Feb. 9 - Ron Bergeron 7 - 9pm<br />
Feb. 16 - Nick Racioppi<br />
Feb. 23 - Michael Krapovicky<br />
Open Mic<br />
Every Wednesday<br />
7 - 10pm<br />
hosted by<br />
In the NICK of TOM<br />
207-795-6888<br />
www.sea40me.com<br />
40 East Ave., Lewiston<br />
207-795-6888<br />
www.sea40me.com<br />
Japanese Cuisine<br />
40 East Ave., Lewiston<br />
Little Timmy was attending<br />
his first wedding.<br />
After the service,<br />
his younger cousin<br />
Tommy asked him,<br />
“How many women can<br />
a man marry?”<br />
“Sixteen,” Little Timmy<br />
responded.<br />
Tommy was amazed<br />
that he knew the answer<br />
so quickly. Then<br />
asked, “How do you<br />
know that?”<br />
“Easy,” Little Johnny<br />
said.<br />
“All you have to do<br />
is add it up, like the<br />
Preacher said: 4 better,<br />
4 worse, 4 richer, 4<br />
poorer.”<br />
Like A Baby<br />
Submitted by Steve Simard<br />
While the U.S. stock<br />
market is at an all<br />
time high, the ups and<br />
downs frightened a lot<br />
of small investors.<br />
Tom went to his financial<br />
adviser at the bank<br />
and asked if he were<br />
worried.<br />
The financial adviser<br />
replied, “I sleep like a<br />
baby.”<br />
Tom amazed, asked,<br />
“Really? Even with all<br />
the fluctuations?”<br />
Advisor says, “Yes. I<br />
sleep for a couple of<br />
hours, then wake up<br />
and cry for a couple of<br />
hours.”<br />
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.<br />
<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />
...with<br />
Jimbo<br />
Feb. <strong>2017</strong> <strong>Uncle</strong>Andys.com 37
1<br />
Out ‘n About<br />
Better oops, than what if.<br />
in Patriot Nation<br />
Had we known<br />
we were making an<br />
appearance in <strong>Uncle</strong><br />
Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong>, we would<br />
have done our hair...<br />
Geez!<br />
Complete Mechanical<br />
Repair, Auto Body &<br />
Restorations<br />
All Under One Roof!<br />
Show Your<br />
LOVE...<br />
B<br />
Home of the 2 Year<br />
Parts & Labor Warranty<br />
Mike Smith,<br />
Owner<br />
Bella & Marley<br />
are huge Patriot’s<br />
fans. They refused to<br />
eat anymore doggie<br />
treats until the Pats<br />
win their 5th Super<br />
Bowl.<br />
Regular<br />
Submitted by Thomas Hill<br />
The note left on the<br />
office refrigerator was<br />
addressed to “The<br />
culprit who ate what<br />
you thought were<br />
two peanut butter ice<br />
cream bars.”<br />
We’ll skip over the<br />
details and go straight<br />
to the signature:<br />
“Love,<br />
Constipated-Dog<br />
Owner.”<br />
The Shop • 23 Lisbon St, Lisbon/Lewiston line • 207-353-6100 • theshopclassicrestorations.com<br />
WHEN TWO BECOME ONE<br />
Good Service Becomes World Class Service!<br />
Ouellette<br />
&<br />
Associates<br />
Robustelli,<br />
Soucy &<br />
Hussey<br />
Two firms joining together to provide<br />
the same excellent service!<br />
Our Certified<br />
Public<br />
Accountants<br />
are ready for<br />
the upcoming<br />
tax season!<br />
1111 Lisbon Street, Lewiston • 207-786-0328 • www.oacpas.net<br />
Ou<br />
C<br />
D<br />
W<br />
<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />
38<br />
...with<br />
Jimbo<br />
<strong>February</strong> <strong>2017</strong> 783-7039<br />
Don’t follow my footsteps, I run into walls.
Before<br />
If you are arguing with a woman and she says “Wow”... Run!<br />
After<br />
Auburn Police<br />
Department<br />
Awarded the Gold<br />
Standard Accreditation<br />
m<br />
et<br />
Hardwood Floor Specialists<br />
Over 30 Years Experience<br />
Fully Licensed & Insured<br />
Free Estimates<br />
207-841-5053<br />
lsfloorsanding@yahoo.com<br />
Now<br />
Accepting<br />
Out ‘n About with Auburn Police Department with the Gold Standard Accreditation Award<br />
Craig Hartley, Jr., Executive Director of CALEA; Liz Allen, Auburn PD Accreditation Manager;<br />
Deputy Chief Jason Moen; Chief Phil Crowell; Newport News, VA Police Chief Richard Myers<br />
WINTER IS HERE!<br />
We are a professional collision repair and painting facility.<br />
All work is guaranteed!<br />
COLLISION REPAIR & PAINTING<br />
1111 Center Street, Auburn<br />
207-782-6515<br />
FREE ESTIMATES!<br />
I wish my life had background music so I could understand what was going on.<br />
Auburn Police Chief Phillip<br />
L. Crowell, Jr. is proud to<br />
announce that the Auburn<br />
Police Department has been<br />
awarded national<br />
re-accreditation.<br />
On November 5, 2016, in<br />
Charleston, South Carolina,<br />
the Auburn PD was awarded<br />
international recognition for<br />
the 4th time by the Commission<br />
on Accreditation for<br />
Law Enforcement Agencies<br />
(CALEA).<br />
During an Auburn City Council<br />
Meeting held on Monday,<br />
January 23, Karen Shepard,<br />
Assessment Manager for<br />
CALEA, presented Chief<br />
Crowell and his staff with<br />
their official certificate of<br />
“Gold Standard Accreditation,<br />
With Excellence.”<br />
“The APD stands out as a<br />
model of excellence in law<br />
enforcement,” said Chief Phil<br />
Crowell. “I am so proud of my<br />
team - each of them worked<br />
tirelessly to earn the highest<br />
recognition of law enforcement<br />
professional excellence.<br />
That is really something to be<br />
proud of.”<br />
According to Accreditation<br />
Manager Liz Allen, “Only 5%<br />
of municipal law enforcement<br />
agencies in the United States<br />
are fully accredited and far<br />
fewer have received the<br />
‘With Excellence’ designation<br />
under the Gold Standard<br />
process of review.” Auburn<br />
is one of only a handful of<br />
law enforcement agencies<br />
in Maine to receive national<br />
accreditation. “We received<br />
our first full accreditation in<br />
2007,” said Allen. “And it has<br />
been part of our In 2013, APD<br />
became the first agency in<br />
Maine to achieve the Gold<br />
Standard level of Accreditation.<br />
Assessors will reevaluate<br />
the Auburn PD in August<br />
of 2020.<br />
The APD’s assessment<br />
report is available on the<br />
agency’s website:<br />
www.auburnpd.com<br />
<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />
...with<br />
Jimbo<br />
Feb. <strong>2017</strong> <strong>Uncle</strong>Andys.com 39
Signature<br />
Submitted by Thomas Hill<br />
Happiness is not setting the alarm for the next day.<br />
Mr. Schwartz was the<br />
oldest of 7 children, so<br />
he had to quit school<br />
and work to help support<br />
his younger brothers<br />
and sisters. He<br />
never learned to read,<br />
so when he married<br />
and started a checking<br />
account, he signed his<br />
checks simply “XX”.<br />
Eventually he started<br />
his own business,<br />
which immediately<br />
prospered.<br />
He soon was a very<br />
rich man. One day,<br />
he got a call from his<br />
bank. “Mr. Schwartz,”<br />
said the banker, “I<br />
need to ask you about<br />
this check. We weren’t<br />
sure you had really<br />
signed it. All these<br />
years you’ve been<br />
signing your checks<br />
‘XX’, but we just got<br />
one that was signed<br />
with three XXX’s...”<br />
Mr. Schwartz answered,<br />
“No problem,<br />
my friend. It’s just that<br />
since I’ve become<br />
so wealthy, my wife<br />
thought I ought to have<br />
a middle name.”<br />
<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />
40<br />
...with<br />
Jimbo<br />
<strong>February</strong> <strong>2017</strong> 783-7039<br />
A cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremely slow motion.
Butchers link sausage to make ends meat.<br />
LIFE IS SHORT... BE HAPPY!<br />
Need a more personal relationship?<br />
Call or Visit your local KeyBank Branch<br />
Out ‘n About<br />
We love<br />
clean! Call us today<br />
for a free quote.<br />
See our ad on<br />
page 35.<br />
Alice Mogensen, Branch Manager<br />
12 East Avenue, Lewiston<br />
207-753-6488<br />
I think there are about 1-2 million baseball fields in the world, but that’s just<br />
a ballpark number.<br />
Now Serving Brunch<br />
Trevis Knapp, Branch Manager<br />
600 Center Street, Auburn<br />
207-786-5412<br />
See us online at www.Key.com<br />
Christine Cote<br />
Chrissy’s Down Home<br />
Cleaning<br />
Like the<br />
Wind<br />
Submitted by Jimbo<br />
“My remarks will be<br />
brief today,” an absentminded<br />
professor told<br />
his class. “I’m suffering<br />
from short-turn memory<br />
loss.”<br />
Saturdays 11a - 2p<br />
• Locally Owned • Thoughtfully Sourced<br />
• Made from Scratch • Maine Craft Beer & Spirits<br />
“Don’t you mean<br />
short-term?” a student<br />
asked.<br />
The professor shook<br />
his head. “I had the top<br />
down on my convertible.<br />
When I turned a<br />
corner really fast, my<br />
lecture notes blew<br />
away.”<br />
103 Lincoln Street, Lewiston • 333-3070 • RailsMaine.com<br />
I’m sorry for the mean, awful, and accurate things I said.<br />
<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />
...with<br />
Jimbo<br />
Feb. <strong>2017</strong> <strong>Uncle</strong>Andys.com 41
A<br />
Mon<br />
Thu<br />
Out ‘n About with<br />
LHS<br />
Cheerleaders<br />
for Shriners Cheer<br />
Competition<br />
A courtroom artist was arrested today for an unknown reason... details are sketchy.<br />
“W<br />
8<br />
Nicholas Roy<br />
holding the 1st place plaque<br />
C<br />
<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />
42<br />
Coach Lysa<br />
Laverdiere &<br />
Shelby Rucker<br />
...with<br />
Jimbo<br />
<strong>February</strong> <strong>2017</strong> 783-7039<br />
“I’m just one stomach flu away from my goal weight.” — The Devil Wears Prada<br />
H<br />
Ca
“When you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the<br />
rest of your life to start as soon as possible.” — When Harry Met Sally<br />
My Dad<br />
Submitted by Steve Simard<br />
86 Court St., Auburn<br />
777-3579<br />
www.jtreidsgunshop.com<br />
A teacher asks the kids<br />
in her class what their<br />
fathers did for a living.<br />
Cigars, Guns &<br />
Accessories with<br />
Reduced Prices!!<br />
Call for next<br />
Handgun<br />
Safety<br />
Course<br />
”Mary, what does your<br />
dad do?”<br />
“He’s a doctor, miss.”<br />
Mary responded<br />
“Joe, what does your<br />
dad do?”<br />
“He”s a pilot, miss.”<br />
Joe answered<br />
“Billy, what’s your dad<br />
do?”<br />
“My dad’s dead, miss.”<br />
Billy replied.<br />
Caring Family Dentists & Specialists!<br />
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207-783-8800<br />
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The American Legion<br />
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“Affordable Dental Excellence”<br />
William J. Rogers Post 153<br />
71 South Main St, Auburn • 207-782-1118 • Activities - Members & Guests Welcome<br />
MONTHLY MEETINGS - 3rd Wednesday of each month<br />
KARAOKE W/ JEAN LOUIS<br />
Fri. & Sat. evenings 7-11pm in Feb. (except 2/11)<br />
FEB. 5 - SUPER BOWL SUNDAY<br />
JOIN US FOR THE FUN! • Open at noon<br />
FEB. 11 - LIVE MUSIC BY CHAD PORTER BAND<br />
POP/ACOUSTIC ROCK/COUNTRY ROCK • 8-11pm<br />
FEB. 19 - BREAKFAST BUFFET MEMBERS & GUESTS WELCOME<br />
8-10am - $ 7 per person (weather permitting)<br />
DO YOU HAVE AN EVENT, FUNCTION OR GATHERING COMING UP?<br />
Give us a call and ask us about our “Beverage Service”<br />
Don’t give up on your dreams. Keep sleeping.<br />
“Oh Billy, I’m so sorry!<br />
What did he do before<br />
he died?” the teacher<br />
rephrased.<br />
“He turned purple,<br />
farted and fell on the<br />
dog.” Billy casually<br />
responded.<br />
Dad Vs. Dog<br />
Submitted by Thomas Hill<br />
While on a flight cross<br />
country, a woman was<br />
sitting across the aisle<br />
from another woman<br />
and her eight-year-old<br />
son.<br />
She couldn’t help<br />
laughing as they<br />
neared their destination<br />
and she heard the<br />
mother say to the boy,<br />
“Now remember... Run<br />
to Dad first, then the<br />
dog.”<br />
<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />
...with<br />
Jimbo<br />
Feb. <strong>2017</strong> <strong>Uncle</strong>Andys.com 43
Babies make<br />
everything better<br />
Sometimes people are beautiful, not in looks, not in what they say, just in what they are.<br />
<strong>2017</strong> marks Make-A-Wish Maine’s twenty-fifth year granting wishes<br />
to kids in our state. A flurry of anticipated energy and outreach is timed<br />
succinctly with the addition of several key board members as well as a<br />
new executive director who will focus on development efforts to ensure<br />
the next twenty-five years of wishes can be granted,” says Marketing<br />
Director Sonya Purington.<br />
The Make-A-Wish Maine Board of Directors’ nominee from the<br />
Lewiston-Auburn area is Jimbo Marston, Owner and President of <strong>Uncle</strong><br />
Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong>. Marston’s involvement with Make-A-Wish began in 2015<br />
when proceeds from <strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s twentieth anniversary event benefited<br />
Make-A-Wish. Two wishes were granted in Androscoggin County<br />
thanks to the inaugural event. In 2016, <strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong> partnered<br />
with Mac’s Grill and the LA Metro Chamber to host the Summer Block<br />
Party. The event raised funds to grant wishes to five more Maine kids.<br />
“Jim brings a passion for our mission, first-hand-knowledge of the<br />
power of a wish, marketing savvy and great connections in Androscoggin<br />
County,” says Marketing Director Sonya Purington.<br />
In addition to <strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong>, Marston<br />
owns LA Metro Magazine, serves as President of<br />
the Auburn Wealth Builders BNI group, is a graduate<br />
of the Androscoggin Leadership Development<br />
Institute and Dale Carnegie Institute, and is affiliated<br />
with Toastmasters, LA Metropolitan Chamber of<br />
Commerce and the Auburn Exchange Club.<br />
When asked what brought him to Make-A-Wish,<br />
Marston explains, “MAW stands out in the crowd of<br />
non-profits because you know exactly where<br />
that money is going once it’s raised. It’s<br />
tangible, it’s measurable and it stays local.<br />
MAW is a first-class organization<br />
making a difference every day!”<br />
When Marston’s not busy with<br />
his professional obligations and<br />
philanthropic commitments, he<br />
enjoys spending time at his home<br />
in Mechanic Falls with his wife<br />
Sue of 23 years, his children<br />
and two young grandchildren.<br />
He enjoys enjoy playing<br />
racquetball and golf and they<br />
breed Golden Retrievers.<br />
<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />
44<br />
...with<br />
Jimbo<br />
<strong>February</strong> <strong>2017</strong> 783-7039<br />
I think one of my favorite feelings is laughing with someone and realizing half way<br />
through how much you enjoy them and their existence.
e.<br />
“I don’t want to survive. I want to live.” — 12 Years A Slave<br />
The Village Inn<br />
165 High Street, Auburn • 782-7796<br />
Now taking<br />
Reservations for<br />
Valentine’s Day!<br />
Surf & Turf Combos<br />
Best Seafood Restaurant<br />
10 years in a row!<br />
Open Tuesday - Sunday • villageinnmaine.com<br />
You never really hear about anyone stress-eating vegetables.<br />
Impressed<br />
Cowboys<br />
Submitted by Steve Simard<br />
Two cowboys come<br />
upon an Indian lying<br />
on his stomach with<br />
his ear to the ground.<br />
One of the cowboys<br />
stops and says to the<br />
other, “You see that<br />
Indian?”<br />
“Yeah,” says the other<br />
cowboy.<br />
“Look,” says the first<br />
one, “he’s listening to<br />
the ground. He can<br />
hear things for miles in<br />
any direction.”<br />
Just then the Indian<br />
looks up. “Covered<br />
wagon,” he says,<br />
“about two miles away.<br />
Have two horses, one<br />
brown, one white.<br />
Man, woman, child,<br />
household effects in<br />
wagon.”<br />
“Incredible!” says the<br />
cowboy to his friend.<br />
“This Indian knows<br />
how far away they are,<br />
how many horses,<br />
what color they are,<br />
who is in the wagon,<br />
and what is in the<br />
wagon. How does he<br />
do it?<br />
The<br />
Indian<br />
looks<br />
up and<br />
says,<br />
“Ran<br />
over me<br />
about a<br />
half hour<br />
ago.”<br />
Never in the history of calming down, has anyone ever calmed down by being told<br />
to calm down.<br />
<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />
...with<br />
Jimbo<br />
Feb. <strong>2017</strong> <strong>Uncle</strong>Andys.com 45
Tickle Your Punny Bone<br />
with Ron Hood<br />
Ron Hood is the Director of Owner Services<br />
for Owner Media Group. He has a joke/pun<br />
of the day on his Facebook page (facebook.com/pezcollector)<br />
and a daily video<br />
pun on Snap Chat (Username: ron.hood).<br />
Feel free to add Ron as your friend. You<br />
can reach out to Ron with a punny note at<br />
OTDweather@gmail.com<br />
“I<br />
S<br />
<strong>February</strong> is the month of love. Although I<br />
find Valentine’s Day to be pure cupidity,<br />
I do know that many people love this holiday because they can party<br />
hearty! Personally, I love the very small Valentine notes (I call them<br />
Valen-tiny notes) because of the pun-ishment they deliver. I am sure that<br />
once in your life you have received a card that has a picture of 2 Deer<br />
with 2 hearts on it with the words, “Deer Valentine, Let’s have a ‘heart to<br />
heart.” That is funny stuff and these Valen-tiny’s are sold in group packs,<br />
which make their individual cost under a buck! It just goes to prove that<br />
you do not have to spend a lot of doe to have a ton of fawn.<br />
People celebrate Valentine’s Day in many different ways. My friend,<br />
Farmer Tim, gives his wife, Karen, hogs and kisses, but the pigs insist<br />
it is really Valen-swine’s Day! He also gives her a jar of her favorite<br />
pickles because she means a great dill to him. Karen says that love on<br />
the farm can be interesting. The skunks are known to be scent-imental<br />
while the cats are always playful and PURR-fect. With love in the<br />
air, the bats are fun to hang around, and the birds quickly become<br />
tweethearts. The squirrels are just nuts about each other, and the<br />
near-sighted porcupine fell in love with their pin-cushion. OUCH! Karen<br />
doesn’t have the heart to point that out, but Farmer Tim keeps needling<br />
her about it. Sew, hopefully, that porcupine won’t feel spoolish or come<br />
unraveled when he finds out the truth. The newest addition to the farm<br />
is a tropical fish tank. This proves it is ‘o’fish’ally Valentine’s Day with a<br />
serious case of guppy love.<br />
My daughter, who is an artist, will probably go to a famous museum<br />
with her Valentine to celebrate this special holiday. I am sure it will be<br />
Louvre at first sight because she has an incredible amount of art-official<br />
intelligence. This visit will certainly put them in a good frame of<br />
mind, and I know she will love him with all her art. There’s a chance<br />
my daughter will decide to become an art dealer. It will certainly bring<br />
her more Monet, which would be nice. This will certainly show that<br />
romance isn’t a science, it’s a heart.<br />
For people who do not like Valentine’s Day, it is a SAD day...Single<br />
Awareness Day, or as I see it, committed bachelors and bachelorettes<br />
that are heartful dodgers! It is these people that wear their hearts on<br />
their sleeve, but oddly enough, all they own are tank-tops! They are like<br />
romance novelists, who never die, but simply run out of steam.<br />
I know many single people who use Valentine’s Day to book the “perfect”<br />
psychic to find out their future love. I am not sure how you find the<br />
perfect psychic, but if you can’t choose between an angry psychic and<br />
a sad psychic, you’ll have to find a happy medium.<br />
Well, Jimbo says I have to end spreading the love of Valentine’s Day.<br />
My final thought in these times of pop culture love is to remember that<br />
even Brad Pitt can’t make Angelina jolly!<br />
Maybe I will discuss soldiers in my next article since the date soldiers<br />
wait for is March forth! See you next month!<br />
BLAST FROM THE PAST<br />
Ron Hood, our very punny pun master and PEZ man.<br />
Some of you may recall this from our April 2005 issue<br />
where Ron was featured in the <strong>Digest</strong> about his expansive<br />
PEZ dispenser collection. He might arguably have<br />
the largest PEZ collection in the world, with over 3,000<br />
pieces in his collection.<br />
So, who knew? Jimbo didn’t. Almost 12 years later our<br />
good friend is now a monthly columnist who continually<br />
comes up with a new twist on puns. Keep up the good<br />
work, Ron!<br />
Out ‘n About at Gillette Stadium<br />
Tammy, smile!<br />
This is going in the<br />
<strong>Digest</strong><br />
Pam Ashby & Tammy Chamberland<br />
•<br />
•<br />
•<br />
•<br />
<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />
46<br />
...with<br />
Jimbo<br />
<strong>February</strong> <strong>2017</strong> 783-7039<br />
I did a push up today. Well, actually I fell and used my arms to get back up.<br />
So, you know, close enough.
an.<br />
ue<br />
anve<br />
00<br />
our<br />
lly<br />
od<br />
“I have always depended on the kindness of strangers.” — A Streetcar Named Desire<br />
Since<br />
1954<br />
Rollodrome<br />
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Thursday Nights - Ages 20+ 7:30-10pm<br />
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Saturday & Sunday - 1:30 - 4pm<br />
Saturday Nights - Family Night 7:30 - 10pm<br />
Sunday Night - All SK8 • 7:30 - 9:30pm<br />
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www.rollodrome.com<br />
Out ‘n About with the crew at Coastal T’s<br />
Debbie Hatch, Kris Martin, Mike Hatch, Patty Norzow, Paul Raymond,<br />
Sue York, Dave Short & Lew Moynihan<br />
www.rowecredit.com<br />
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Rowe Credit Auburn<br />
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Four words every teenager wants to hear. I bought you food.<br />
Traveling<br />
Tradition<br />
Submitted by Steve Simard<br />
Jim and John, joined at<br />
the hip, waddle into a<br />
bar. The bartender, trying<br />
to make small talk,<br />
asks them if they’ve<br />
been on vacation yet<br />
this year.<br />
“No,” says Jim, “but<br />
we’re going to England<br />
next week. We go<br />
there every summer,<br />
rent a car, and drive<br />
all over Great Britain<br />
for two weeks.” John<br />
agrees.<br />
“Ah,” says the bartender,<br />
“Great country, the<br />
culture, the beer, the<br />
history...”<br />
“Nope, “ says Jim,<br />
“we’re not into that<br />
British Bull.”<br />
“Then why go?” says<br />
the bartender, shaking<br />
his head.<br />
“It’s the only chance<br />
John gets to drive.”<br />
Intelligent<br />
Submitted by Steve Simard<br />
A fourth grade teacher<br />
asks one day: “What is<br />
the longest word in the<br />
English language?”<br />
Little Jimbo responds,<br />
“Smiles.”<br />
How did you come<br />
up with that answer<br />
JImbo?”<br />
“Well, there is a mile<br />
between the first and<br />
last letters!”<br />
<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />
...with<br />
Jimbo<br />
Feb. <strong>2017</strong> <strong>Uncle</strong>Andys.com 47
Cat Man Do<br />
Submitted by Jimbo<br />
Four men were bragging<br />
about how smart<br />
their cats were. The<br />
first man was an Engineer,<br />
the second an<br />
Accountant, the third a<br />
Chemist and the fourth<br />
man was a Government<br />
Employee.<br />
To show off, the Engineer<br />
called his cat,<br />
“T-square, do your<br />
stuff.”<br />
T-square pranced over<br />
to the desk, took out<br />
some paper and pen<br />
and promptly drew a<br />
circle, a square, and<br />
a triangle. Everyone<br />
agreed that was pretty<br />
smart.<br />
(continued on next page)<br />
I’m not weird, I’m a limited edition.<br />
Rolly’s Diner<br />
Just good cookin’ and plenty of it!<br />
Breakfast & Lunch<br />
Eggs, bacon, homefries & toast<br />
Rolly’s has<br />
something<br />
everyone will<br />
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Specialty<br />
breakfast to<br />
traditional...<br />
Boston cream pancakes & bacon<br />
Specials Daily<br />
• Unusual Omelettes<br />
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• Extensive Menu<br />
87 Mill St.<br />
New Auburn<br />
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Mon – Sat 5 am – 2 pm<br />
Sunday 7 am – noon<br />
Ode to My Braces<br />
Dr. Thomas J. Bauer<br />
Androscoggin Orthodontics<br />
“Just a few more months”, so I am told,<br />
As the days pass by and the weather grows cold,<br />
Holiday cheer and kids’ smiling faces<br />
Remind me constantly that I am still stuck with my braces.<br />
Winter has arrived here in Maine,<br />
And heavy is the metal that conducts the cold to my brain,<br />
Making it difficult to hear my mom’s shrill refrain:<br />
“Wear your elastics and brush your teeth better,<br />
Yes, it is cold, but teeth don’t need to wear sweaters!”<br />
In my defense, I’m not fully to blame!<br />
Mouthguards break braces during practice and games;<br />
So what if I want to keep my lovely overbite?<br />
And I’m pretty sure I brushed just the other night!<br />
<br />
I am no poet, please don’t judge me at all;<br />
I’m just passing time in today’s study hall<br />
And dear reader, think on this:<br />
There is no word to rhyme with “orthodontist”.<br />
What news will I receive at my visit today?<br />
I hope to have braces off before next May!<br />
Or perhaps my overbite is here to stay…<br />
So I sit in the chair and allow my hopes to be raised,<br />
But I hear again that terrible phrase:<br />
“Just a few more months.”<br />
Call us today! 783-7039<br />
“Doing business<br />
without advertising is like<br />
winking in the dark.<br />
You know what you’re doing,<br />
but nobody else does.”<br />
― Guerrilla Marketing<br />
<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />
48<br />
...with<br />
Jimbo<br />
<strong>February</strong> <strong>2017</strong> 783-7039<br />
My hairstyle is called, I tried.<br />
I d
My soul mate is out there pushing on a pull door, I just know it.<br />
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(continued from previous page)<br />
But the Accountant said<br />
his cat could do better.<br />
He called his cat and<br />
said, “Spreadsheet, do<br />
your stuff.”<br />
Spreadsheet went<br />
out to the kitchen and<br />
returned with a dozen<br />
cookies. He divided<br />
them into 4 equal piles<br />
of 3 cookies. Everyone<br />
agreed that was good.<br />
But the Chemist said<br />
his cat could do better.<br />
He called his cat and<br />
said “Measure, do your<br />
stuff.”<br />
You get:<br />
$<br />
750 Efficiency<br />
Maine Rebate & a<br />
$<br />
300 Tax Credit<br />
Plumbing & Heating • Oil • Gas<br />
Residential • Commercial / 24 hour Emergency Service<br />
Measure got up, walked<br />
to the fridge, took out a<br />
quart of milk, got a 10<br />
ounce glass from the<br />
cupboard and poured<br />
exactly 8oz. without<br />
spilling a drop into the<br />
glass.<br />
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.<br />
Everyone agreed that<br />
was pretty good.<br />
,<br />
g<br />
rebekah@ninthtonestudios.com • 207-520-9453<br />
Results of Voice Lessons<br />
Increase Volume, range & resonance<br />
Gained confidence on and off the stage<br />
Become a better musician, performer & MORE!<br />
Study voice with Rebekah Leonard, who holds a bachelor of music<br />
degree in voice performance and is a full member in the National<br />
Association of Teachers of Singing.<br />
I don’t mean to interrupt people. I just randomly remember things and get really excited.<br />
Then the three men<br />
turned to the Government<br />
Employee and<br />
said, “What can your<br />
cat do?”<br />
The Government Employee<br />
called his cat<br />
Coffee Break and said<br />
“do your stuff.”<br />
Coffee Break jumped to<br />
his feet. He drank the<br />
milk ate the cookies,<br />
and then beat up the<br />
other three cats. Later<br />
he claimed he injured<br />
his back while doing so,<br />
he filed a grievance report<br />
for unsafe working<br />
conditions, put in for<br />
Workers Compensation<br />
and went home for the<br />
rest of the day on sick<br />
leave.<br />
<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />
...with<br />
Jimbo<br />
Feb. <strong>2017</strong> <strong>Uncle</strong>Andys.com 49
Hard To Find<br />
Submitted by Steve Simard<br />
<strong>Uncle</strong><br />
Two friends<br />
Andy’s<br />
Steve and<br />
Bill were sitting in a<br />
<strong>Digest</strong><br />
park one hot summer<br />
day, drinking a cold<br />
beverage.<br />
August 2016<br />
AD Steve PROOF<br />
said, “I think<br />
I’m going to divorce<br />
my wife – she hasn’t<br />
spoken to me in over 6<br />
Hi Paul & Kim,<br />
months.”<br />
Bill sips his drink and<br />
Please review your<br />
says, “You better think<br />
proof it over carefully. – women like It<br />
that are hard to find.”<br />
will run as you see<br />
it if changes are not<br />
received by<br />
WHEN THAT FIRST<br />
SIP OF COFFEE<br />
July 27th<br />
Thank you!<br />
Jimbo<br />
office 783-7039<br />
fax 777-3898<br />
ads@<strong>Uncle</strong>Andys.com<br />
TOUCHES YOUR SOUL<br />
Poisson & Sons Auto Care Inc.<br />
260 S. Main Street, Auburn 207.782.9144<br />
FULL SERVICE GAS STATION<br />
Automotive Repairs,<br />
Maintenance , Inspections, K1, Alignments,<br />
Computer Diagnostics, State Inspections<br />
Love is like a fart. If you have to force it, it’s probably crap.<br />
Need help navigating through Medicare options?<br />
Now You Have Experience<br />
On Your Side!<br />
Call Kim or Paul Today!<br />
Kim Pelkey<br />
Paul Colasante<br />
786-2573 782-8823<br />
184 Webster St. Lewiston<br />
Out ‘n About at Maine Family Federal Credit Union<br />
UAD Proof August 2016 Page tbd<br />
James Moreau, Marketing Director with Sarah Thompson,<br />
nurse manager at The Barbara Bush Children’s Hospital<br />
Last December Maine Family FCU decided to do a 50/50.The campaign<br />
was a success raising $3,500! One member went home with $1,750<br />
and the other half was donated to the Children’s Miracle Network.<br />
Let’s Go!<br />
Ou<br />
S<br />
Be<br />
Ste<br />
Kon<br />
Cor<br />
Hei<br />
Gui<br />
Har<br />
Lab<br />
W<br />
Han<br />
Mar<br />
Mio<br />
Gna<br />
Cav<br />
Apo<br />
Cav<br />
Lun<br />
New<br />
W<br />
<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />
50<br />
...with<br />
Jimbo<br />
<strong>February</strong> <strong>2017</strong> 783-7039<br />
We all have that friend that has a laugh that is funnier than the joke.<br />
6
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<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />
Auburn<br />
(Beer & Wine only)<br />
783-9098 Feb. <strong>2017</strong> <strong>Uncle</strong>Andys.com 539-6072 51<br />
...with<br />
Jimbo
I’m not shy. I’m holding back my awesomeness so I don’t intimidate you.<br />
Benefiting<br />
We’re proud sponsors of Make-A-Wish Maine and have<br />
granted 7 WISHES in two years at our Annual event!<br />
My favorite childhood memory is not paying bills.<br />
Specialty cakes & cupcakes<br />
Baker’s dozen<br />
doughnuts<br />
Cannoli<br />
SAVE<br />
THE DATE<br />
AUGUST 12, <strong>2017</strong><br />
<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />
52<br />
...with<br />
Jimbo<br />
<strong>February</strong> <strong>2017</strong> 783-7039<br />
Doughnuts<br />
Quench Your Sweethearts<br />
Sweet tooth here!<br />
Healthy Choices too! Soups, Salads & more!<br />
GEORGIO’S<br />
Locally owned<br />
& operated<br />
740 Minot Avenue, Auburn<br />
783-2981<br />
Open daily 5am-9pm<br />
www.mygeorgios.com<br />
<strong>Uncle</strong>Andys<strong>Digest</strong>.com
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