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"Hmm?" We sat in her room, pretending to study, but my mind was off thinking about Dimitri.
I'd lectured her about keeping secrets, but I hadn't told her about him or about how close I'd
come to losing my virginity. For some reason, I couldn't bring myself to tell.
She dropped the history book she'd been holding. "That I had to give up the healing. And the
compulsion." A frown crossed her face at that last part. The healing had been regarded as a
wondrous gift in need of further study; the compulsion had met with serious reprimands from
Kirova and Ms. Carmack. "I mean, I'm happy now. I should have gotten help a long time ago—
you were right about that. I'm glad I'm on the medication. But Victor was right too. I can't use
spirit anymore. I can still sense it, though…I miss being able to touch it.”
I didn't entirely know what to say. I liked her better like this. Losing that threat of madness had
made her whole again, confident and outgoing, just like the Lissa I'd always known and loved.
Seeing her now, it was easy to believe what Victor had said about her becoming a leader. She
reminded me of her parents and of Andre—how they used to inspire devotion in those who
knew them.
"And that's another thing," she continued. "He said I couldn't give it up. He was right. It hurts,
not having the magic. I want it so badly sometimes.”
"I know," I said. I could feel that ache within her. The pills had dulled her magic, but not our
bond.
"And I keep thinking about all the things I could do, all the people I could help." She looked
regretful.
"You have to help yourself first," I told her fiercely. "I don't want you getting hurt again. I
won't let you.”
"I know. Christian says the same thing." She got that dopey smile she always did when she
thought about him. If I'd known what idiots being in love would make them, I might not have
been so keen to get them back together. "And I guess you guys are right. Better to want the
magic and be sane than to have it and be a lunatic. There's no middle ground.”
"No," I agreed. "Not with this.”