writing_womans_lives_symposium_paper_book_v2

the choice of remarriage she makes a direct result of the trauma of conflict, but continues to be
traumatized by poverty that leaves her in a constant state of despair.
In the testimonios cited few half widows chose to remarry and still social stigma around
remarriage remains strong, while religious interpretations of the rules around remarriage remain
contested. The sufferings of Sara Bhano, Waheeda, Shazia and many others, the list is unending,
highlight the labyrinth in which these women are caught:
Waiting for twelve years (after the disappearance of her husband) Sara Bhano (name
changed) re‐married:“I had children to feed and had no other source of income and
nobody helped me. When I re‐married, they didn’t let me live in peace either. They keep
taunting me in one way or the other. The fact is that hungry stomachs cannot be fed on
illusions and hopes.”
Waheeda Bano (name changed) lost her husband in 1991. Left with six children she
found it impossible to feed them…“I worked as a labourer, but earned a meagre amount.
The day’s labour could not, at times, fetch me an amount in double figures and, many a
time, we had nothing to eat and had to fill our belly with water.” After putting in so much
labour and exhaustion for about four years, her health deteriorated and one of her
kidneys had to be removed. Ailing Waheeda finally opted for re‐marriage. “No one
objected to this decision. Why should they? No one comes forward once you are in need;
then why to pay heed to them, even if they interfere.” 11
Shahzia (name changed) barely 24 years and mother of three children lives in
quandary. After losing her husband she finds it difficult to carry on with her
responsibilities. She wants to re‐marry for financial and moral support, but fears that the
society might not appreciate her decision. 12
Strained relations with community members, neighbours and kin form another trajectory of
tension for many women building life alone for themselves and their children. These women’s
testimonios convey unconcern and betrayal by the families and state indifference to widows and
children of the militants. The in‐laws at times preferred to keep and raise their grandchildren while
turning out the mothers. In other cases, the parental family or second husband accepted her on the
condition that her children remain with in‐laws or are sent to an orphanage; in a few cases, widows
in adverse conditions left children with in‐laws and remarried. Abject poverty compelled Mahataba’s
daughter‐in‐law to remarry “leaving responsibility [of three daughters and a son] to be borne by the
grandmother.” 13 Moreover, for some widows like Naseema remarriage was a panacea for livelihood
insecurity. Naseema’s husband, a surrendered militant, was shot at home by unidentified gunmen in
1991. Her mother‐in‐law Hanifa confessed: “I brought my daughter‐in‐law back after three years and
compelled her to re‐marry my second son, Shabir. She first resisted but then….” Naseema finally
agreed to remarry her mentally unfit brother‐in‐law: “I had to face many difficulties but had no
alternative. I thought about my children and agreed to marry Shabir though he is not mentally
sound.” 14 Naseema, with no support system to fall back on, reconciled marrying her mentally
unsound brother‐in‐law for economic security for herself as well as her children.
Half widows under financial constraints are in a tricky situation whether to remarry or not. There
is on one side a sense of loyalty towards the missing spouse while on the other side there are
children whose sustenance is a hard task, especially for those mothers belonging to marginal sections
of the society. The greatest fear for women with young children is that their children would suffer
because they reason that a new husband would not treat them well; remarriage would thus involve
further upheaval and uncertainty as it happened in the case of Nazim Jan who was ditched after
remarriage. Sara Bhano and Nazim Jan’s experiences show how after remarriage they faced a hostile
society and even an antagonistic family. The initial trauma of disappearance, the resulting economic
hardships and social challenges combine to have lasting adverse effects on the lives of widows/half
widows.
In some cases where relief is granted it becomes a bone of contention within the family in view of
the fact that in‐laws may claim a share of the relief, or someone from the family is made the
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