Down the Rabbit Hole - Holly Madison

may as well have your voice in there.”
In 2011, E! executives asked me to film for their True Hollywood Story franchise. I’d been
interviewed for the program before, but this time the entire episode was going to be about me! While
the idea of having your own E! True Hollywood Story might be a sign to some that you’ve made it, I
felt wildly underqualified and the prospect horrified me.
But I haven’t even accomplished anything yet, I thought. My story wasn’t ready to be told. I
hadn’t achieved enough on my own outside of the mansion—and I didn’t want the hour-long program
to be a tribute to my days at Playboy. But after talking it out, I realized I didn’t really have a choice in
the matter.
Eventually, I gave the network my cooperation. In retrospect, I feel so sorry for the poor
producer forced to interview me. I did not make her job easy. I felt like I had nothing but a trail of
mistakes and embarrassments to confess on camera (save for the previous two years), so I was
perhaps the grumpiest, bitchiest, most emotional mess that had ever sat down for a THS about her life.
The last subject she had interviewed for the series was Katy Perry, who was no doubt upbeat, but
she’s someone who’s really accomplished things. I was so insecure—I worried that my life’s story
would be presented as that of just another famous-for-nothing Playboy bimbo. Naturally Hef was
interviewed for the special (you really think he would miss a chance to be on camera?) and his only
real contribution was a chippy remark at my expense.
“What I thought I had found in Holly, I really found in Crystal,” he had said to the interviewer
. . . as if that was in any way relevant my story. He just couldn’t resist an opportunity to belittle me
and to make the story all about him.
But when the special finally aired, something interesting happened: people actually related to
me.
To my surprise, viewers sympathized with my unhappiness and some even said they found the
courage to reinvent themselves in their own lives. Inspired by my story, some women told me they
were able to remove themselves from difficult situations, get over a breakup, or find the motivation to
get healthy. I was and continue to be truly humbled.
Through these wonderful, honest people, I was able to reevaluate how I viewed my own past
and maybe give myself a bit of a break.
Perhaps sharing my story wasn’t such a bad idea, I thought.
Maybe I wasn’t defined by the mistakes I had made after all . . . maybe those decisions were
what allowed me to become the person I was always destined to be.