Down the Rabbit Hole - Holly Madison

didn’t want to be with Criss, but I was still broken. It’s a humbling experience having a stack of
cardboard boxes packed neatly with your belongings shipped back to you without even a single word.
I felt like I had been thrown out with the trash.
When news of Criss’s and my breakup eventually leaked to TMZ, Criss began calling me and
sending me nasty text messages accusing me of tipping off the press.
He angrily accused me of telling “them.” When I asked him who he meant, he said, “Playboy,”
and went on to rant about how he knew this would happen and angrily said that I had better be saying
he broke up with me.
There could have been no greater way of insulting Criss than if people assumed that I had been
the one who actually wanted out of the relationship. I honestly didn’t care what people thought—I
was just happy to be a safe distance away from him.
We had barely spoken since I left him in Las Vegas that morning, so needless to say, we never
really discussed how we were going to handle our very public breakup with the press. I didn’t know
who told TMZ about our dissolution (since I had only informed my family and a few friends), but it
seemed Criss was irate because he had his own ideas about how he would announce our split. Since
we still shared the same publicist, we both got an email from him asking what kind of “joint
statement” we would like to make about the breakup.
Criss responded first, demanding that he tell them nothing.
Our publicist quickly replied:
We have to tell the press something. If you don’t, no one will want to cover you the next time
you date a celebrity.
Ouch, I thought, hit him where it hurts.
Eventually, we agreed to make a statement saying we broke up amicably due to scheduling
differences—regardless of the fact that I had nothing to schedule. I don’t know if anyone bought the
excuse, but I didn’t really care. The media and the public had become so used to seeing Criss run
through starlets for publicity that I doubt many people ever believed our relationship was genuine . . .
I was possibly the only one who had!
Now that my relationship with Criss was behind me, I could finally focus on my future. Though I
was tempted to waste away in Mary’s spare room, I knew I had to take action. At the insistence of
Criss, I had turned down most of the opportunities that had come my way shortly after I left the
mansion—most of which Criss’s jealousy didn’t allow for. Besides Mary, no one associated with
Playboy or Girls Next Door would have anything to do with me, unless I abandoned my own dignity
and returned to the mansion, which was the last thing I would do.
No, I thought. I’m starting from scratch—and I’m doing it on my own.
I made a list of the things I still hoped to accomplish in my life and career. Being able to see my
goals spelled out in front of me was an important part of the process.
For my career, my list was pretty specific:
1. Develop a reality series that showcases the real Holly—apart from Girls Next Door,
Playboy, and Hef.