Down the Rabbit Hole - Holly Madison

know that I got in safe.
“I DON’T KNOW WHAT’S wrong with me,” I cried through a stream of tears. “It’s like, I know he’s an
asshole and I know he’s not good for me, but I’m still so sad. I don’t get it.”
I was home in Oregon; the same place where I had decided to pack up my little red Celica nearly
a decade earlier. In some ways, it was as if nothing had changed and I was back where I started. I had
no job, no man, and no prospects lined up. Luckily my close friend Sara Underwood lived in Portland
and spent an afternoon listening to me as I poured my heart out. She was an absolute angel and held
my hand through my frequent sobs. I was so grateful to have her there. She listened and offered me the
best advice she could, but the real problem wasn’t obvious to either of us at that point.
Yes, I had just embarked on a high-profile romance that went wrong, quickly and dramatically,
but that wasn’t really where my emotional crash was coming from. I was suddenly having to deal with
my transition from the twisted world of Playboy into the real world. It was the unavoidable emotional
fallout that had been postponed by my whirlwind romance with Criss.
What was I going to do now? I thought, feeling hopeless.
After a week in Oregon, my dad drove me to the airport and I boarded a flight to Los Angeles. I
had no idea what was going to happen next, but I was determined to brave the storm, despite the
heavy burden of sadness I carried onto the plane with me.
Criss’s voice echoed in my mind, telling me I needed to go back to California. During a few of
his tantrums, when he was mulling over a breakup out loud, he would always banish me to California,
as if he owned Las Vegas.
Where I go and what I do isn’t your prerogative, I thought, as if I now had a chance to respond
to one of his treacherous rants.
I felt like Hef was trying to sabotage me in Los Angeles by bad-mouthing me and leaving me out
of Girls Next Door–related press, and now Criss was trying to banish me from Las Vegas.
Sorry, boys, it’s not going to be that easy, I thought, pulling my hoodie over my head. I felt the
rumbling of the plane engines beneath my seat. You haven’t seen the last of me.