Down the Rabbit Hole - Holly Madison

scattered even farther in different directions.
Despite placing an impenetrable candy coating on what was often a miserable existence, I was
always very grateful for Girls Next Door and the opportunities it provided me. Who knows where I
would have ended up if it hadn’t been for the series? Perhaps still locked behind that giant gate,
depressed as ever . . . or worse.
Committed to fulfilling my obligations to the show, I agreed to come in that week. For the audio
commentary, producers set Bridget, Kendra, and me in chairs around a monitor. They’d play each
episode and we’d talk about what was going on in that moment or provide some behind-the-scenes
details. Despite having been away from the girls for only a few weeks, it felt like I hadn’t seen them
in years—and it was so much fun laughing over the show with them.
My jovial mood, however, wouldn’t last. During the final episode, producers had cut a video
montage of Hef’s and my most romantic-seeming moments over the course of the last five seasons.
With our breakup (not to mention the way he had treated me) still so fresh in my mind, I couldn’t
begin to manufacture any sort of sentiment for the commentary. In fact, the entire montage made me
sick to my stomach.
“Really?” I groaned into the microphone at our producer. “Do you have to do this?”
“Holly, Hef is a romantic,” he said calmly. “He wants to hear from you.”
“It’s gross,” I protested. “Do you have to put all this in? We’re not together anymore. Nobody
wants to see this.”
He seemed disappointed that I wasn’t making this easier, but I didn’t care. The montage seemed
wildly inappropriate. Plus, Criss was growing more and more sensitive about my affiliation with
Playboy. About a month into our living together, he started getting really upset any time an article
would surface linking me to anything Playboy-related. His rants frightened me, but since I had
(foolishly) already moved in with Criss, I gave him chance after chance, hoping that this was a
passing phase. In my head, I imagined Criss watching this episode and completely going off the deep
end (which is exactly what would happen).
After we wrapped commentary, Bridget, Kendra, and I gathered around outside the studio with
the producers and the crew chatting about the season, what we loved, what we hated, etc.
“You know, Hef likes all the drama,” Kendra began. We’d all had our complaints in the past, but
this was the first time Kendra was so vocal in front of production. I guess since it was all over, she
had nothing to lose. “I remember one day we were all watching a movie and afterward Hef followed
me back into my room. He goes, ‘You know, I’m really disappointed that you didn’t sit closer to me.’
And it was so weird, so I just said, ‘Well, that’s, like, where Holly sits and I don’t want to, you
know, step on anyone’s toes.’ Then the dude stomps his feet and was like, ‘I like the drama!’ ”
Kendra’s story hit me like a punch in the gut. While I had long ago tired of Hef’s double
standards, ridiculous rules, and belittling comments, this was the first time I really realized what a
manipulator he was. Suddenly, it all became clear to me. The biggest reason I never got along with
most of the girls in the house was Hef. He encouraged the infighting all along, despite his fake pleas
for harmony. He was looking more and more pathetic in my eyes. I couldn’t believe I had been
manipulated for so long.