Down the Rabbit Hole - Holly Madison
into a thoughtful expression, he said, “I’ll try to find out what’s bothering him.” “It doesn’t matter if something’s wrong,” I said, trying to make sense of everything in my head. “This is just who he is and I am realizing it for the first time.” I sighed helplessly and put my head in my hands. My rope was rapidly fraying. He then went on to remind me that Bridget and Kendra were leaving soon and that Girls Next Door would then be all about Hef, me, my work, and the girls that came through the studio. He honestly thought this would lift my spirits. I loved working on the show, but this wasn’t about the show . . . this was my life! “Thanks for listening,” I said dismally. I believed what he had said about the show. Not only was Kendra on her way out of the mansion, but Bridget had recently been offered her dream job hosting a show for the Travel Channel, so her departure was inevitable as well. Audiences and E! loved the episodes that focused on my work at the studio—and so did I! It seemed like all my dreams were coming true . . . but I had to ask myself: were those still my dreams? I was finally seeing Hef’s true colors—and accepting that perhaps he had been that way all along. Now the promise of having Hef, the mansion, and the show all to myself just sounded frightening. I didn’t know what to do next. Despite the way he treated his girlfriends, I felt guilty even thinking about leaving Hef. I was constantly being reminded of how blessed I was and how grateful I should be. I didn’t want to disappoint or let anyone down. What would his friends think? They’d always been so supportive of me because they saw that I treated Hef well. Would I lose my job? I loved my job and couldn’t bear the thought of losing it. Maybe I could find some way to stay on as an employee? As all these questions were playing over and over in my head like a broken record, the time finally came to shoot the “good-bye” scene between me, Kendra, and Bridget. The scene was shot in Bridget’s room, which was filled with suitcases and rolling racks full of clothes for the new travel show she was leaving to do. As I was the only part of the trio who was supposed to be staying at the mansion, I just plopped myself on Bridget’s bed and waited for the others to talk. Most people who knew “Holly” from The Girls Next Door would have thought I’d be ecstatic to see Hef’s two other girlfriends go, but in reality, I was on the verge of tears. The feeling hit me like a ton of bricks. I don’t want to be here without Bridget and Kendra . At that moment I knew it for a fact, I just didn’t know how I was going to handle it. After more than four years together at the mansion, our little blond army was disbanding. We had each evolved so much in that time. Like the freckle-faced producer had suggested years before, Kendra really did grow up inside the mansion, but it seemed to be due largely in part to a man she had met outside the mansion. For eight months, Kendra had been secretly dating professional football player Hank Baskett and was madly in love. Gone was the insecure little girl who labeled Bridget and me the enemies and spent her days desperately jockeying for attention. In her place was a confident and gracious young woman. Bridget was off to host her own show. I couldn’t think of a more perfect job for my best friend,
who was packing up to travel the world! When I first met her, all she had wanted was to be a Playmate, and she ended up achieving so much more. The scene couldn’t have been more genuinely emotional. I usually kept my feelings locked up far, far away from the cameras, but this time my tears flowed freely. It was in that moment that I realized how much these two women meant to me and how only the three of us could ever know what this wild ride we had been on was truly like. It wasn’t just the prospect of losing my two costars that made me feel so empty. I knew that even when I was the only girlfriend, there would always be visiting Playmates and Bunny House residents to keep me company. It was seeing these other two women evolve, in just the ways they should be evolving, that made me realize that there was so much more out there for me, too. I didn’t know what it was, but something had to feel more genuine and fulfilling than simply being the “first lady” Stepford Wife of the Playboy Mansion. After our teary hugs good-bye, the cameras stopped rolling and I slowly walked down the hall to the master bedroom’s back door. My mind was reeling, my heart was hurting, and my stomach was tied in knots. What was I going to do now? I knew I’d be heading to Vegas in a few weeks to finish the last shoot for Jessica’s pictorial. Maybe having some time away from the mansion, without the cameras following me, I’d actually have a chance to think . . . and Las Vegas seemed like a good place to clear my head.
- Page 84 and 85: During a trip to New York City for
- Page 86 and 87: “Darlin’?” Hef asked, appeari
- Page 88 and 89: so long, this box was my nemesis, a
- Page 90 and 91: the Easter event wearing jeans and
- Page 92 and 93: pictorial on the ‘Painted Ladies,
- Page 94 and 95: Slowly he made his way to his newes
- Page 96 and 97: trademark on GND was something she
- Page 98 and 99: CHAPTER 8 “We’re all mad here.
- Page 100 and 101: subconscious crap to surface, but l
- Page 102 and 103: THE FIRST EPISODE OF The Girls Next
- Page 104 and 105: “People assume that I came here w
- Page 106 and 107: messy room (which was tidied up sub
- Page 108 and 109: date. It is not about any of you.
- Page 110 and 111: ecognized many of the absurdities o
- Page 112 and 113: CHAPTER 9 “It’s rather curious,
- Page 114 and 115: waste a single minute. From Pompeii
- Page 116 and 117: out of a fairy tale. I didn’t kno
- Page 118 and 119: Photo Editor. I was assigned to the
- Page 120 and 121: CHAPTER 10 “I can’t help it,”
- Page 122 and 123: my loyalty to the brand, though. As
- Page 124 and 125: long as I walked my butt down to th
- Page 126 and 127: though she was offered a role in th
- Page 128 and 129: lashed out at the other girls from
- Page 130 and 131: myself. I had tried to rationalize
- Page 132 and 133: the phone. “We’re on a tight sc
- Page 136 and 137: CHAPTER 11 “Why, sometimes I’ve
- Page 138 and 139: large booth, already populated with
- Page 140 and 141: Times Square) Criss was, at that ti
- Page 142 and 143: stunned and seething. How dare he h
- Page 144 and 145: outside it appeared as though my wi
- Page 146 and 147: my bunny tattoo as well. “No one,
- Page 148 and 149: portrayed as, it was important that
- Page 150 and 151: CHAPTER 12 “She’s my prisoner,
- Page 152 and 153: scattered even farther in different
- Page 154 and 155: and . . .” “Ha!” he shouted i
- Page 156 and 157: to believe we had a shot at making
- Page 158 and 159: disappointed to learn that, just an
- Page 160 and 161: mansion walls, I was Rapunzel locke
- Page 162 and 163: Criss insisted that I be present fo
- Page 164 and 165: CHAPTER 13 For, you see, so many ou
- Page 166 and 167: 2. Star in a Las Vegas show. 3. App
- Page 168 and 169: affirmation I was getting from him
- Page 170 and 171: Trashy Lingerie corset. (Of course,
- Page 172 and 173: most of my adult life at the mansio
- Page 174 and 175: Kristina reiterated that Crystal wa
- Page 176 and 177: of my life. To celebrate, I traded
- Page 178 and 179: and rereading the text. So many pet
- Page 180 and 181: CHAPTER 15 “If I had a world of m
- Page 182 and 183: outique and spied the Holly, Bridge
who was packing up to travel <strong>the</strong> world! When I first met her, all she had wanted was to be a<br />
Playmate, and she ended up achieving so much more.<br />
The scene couldn’t have been more genuinely emotional. I usually kept my feelings locked up<br />
far, far away from <strong>the</strong> cameras, but this time my tears flowed freely. It was in that moment that I<br />
realized how much <strong>the</strong>se two women meant to me and how only <strong>the</strong> three of us could ever know what<br />
this wild ride we had been on was truly like.<br />
It wasn’t just <strong>the</strong> prospect of losing my two costars that made me feel so empty. I knew that even<br />
when I was <strong>the</strong> only girlfriend, <strong>the</strong>re would always be visiting Playmates and Bunny House residents<br />
to keep me company. It was seeing <strong>the</strong>se o<strong>the</strong>r two women evolve, in just <strong>the</strong> ways <strong>the</strong>y should be<br />
evolving, that made me realize that <strong>the</strong>re was so much more out <strong>the</strong>re for me, too. I didn’t know what<br />
it was, but something had to feel more genuine and fulfilling than simply being <strong>the</strong> “first lady”<br />
Stepford Wife of <strong>the</strong> Playboy Mansion.<br />
After our teary hugs good-bye, <strong>the</strong> cameras stopped rolling and I slowly walked down <strong>the</strong> hall to<br />
<strong>the</strong> master bedroom’s back door. My mind was reeling, my heart was hurting, and my stomach was<br />
tied in knots. What was I going to do now? I knew I’d be heading to Vegas in a few weeks to finish<br />
<strong>the</strong> last shoot for Jessica’s pictorial. Maybe having some time away from <strong>the</strong> mansion, without <strong>the</strong><br />
cameras following me, I’d actually have a chance to think . . . and Las Vegas seemed like a good<br />
place to clear my head.
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