Uncle Andy's Digest - May 2016

UNCLE ANDY’S DIGEST
20 Years later and it’s still
FREE
May 2016
Our Staff
“Affordable Dental Excellence”
Dr. Robert McVety
New Patient Special $ 88
Includes: Cleaning, Exam, & Xrays
Caring family Dentists
& Specialists!
Amanda
Alicia
Sarah
Ashley
Nikki
488 Sabattus St., Lewiston • 207-783-8800
www.androscoggindentalgroup.com
207-782-7113
Get Your FREE
Quote Today!
Richard Moylan
(207) 777-0050
791 Kittyhawk Ave.
Unit 5, Auburn
richardmoylan@allstate.com
31 Blake Street, Lewiston • armandsautobody.com
Voted best International Restaurant
AND Best Sushi Restaurant by You,
via Market Surveys of America,
3 years running!
MOM’S love Sea
40 for Mother’s
Day!
Insurance and coverages subject to terms. qualifications and availability. Allstate Property and Casualty Insurance
Company, Allstate Fire and Casualty Insurance Company: Northbrook, Illinois © 2010 Allstate Insurance Company
LIVE MUSIC EVERY WEEK!
Join us Thursday Nights 7–9pm
May 5
May 12
May 19
May 26
Flying Otters
Donnie Hebert
Big G N Rhino
John Cross
Ladies Night
Happy Hour
Specials!
Mermaid Night is Back!
Every
LADY
chooses
a Treasure
from our
Fishbowl
Japanese Cuisine
40 East Ave., Lewiston • 207-795-6888
www.sea40me.com

Check out
Our Events
in MAY!
1967 Lisbon Road, Lewiston
Mother’s Day Spoil Me Event!
Text to #: 24587 Keyword: gozone to register for the Mothers Day Spoil Me Event!
May 14th 8:30 am or 10am
Attendees must pre-register!
www.gozonefit.com
MUSIC | FREE CLASS | TREATS | GAMES
207-241-8238
Text to #: 24587 keyword: healthygrocer for upcoming promotions and a special discount for this event.
ON SAMPLE...
Gluten Free • Protein Enriched • Diabetic Approved
Bariatric Approved • Low Carb • Non GMO • Vegan

The next time there's an awkward silence, try whispering, "Did you forget your line?"
MODERN WOODMEN
OF AMERICA
May 2016
Wednesday, May 4th
Grid Iron 4 – 7pm
(Chapter 12907)
1567 Lisbon St, Lewiston
$8 Member; $9.50 Guest
Saturday, May 7th
KC Sabattus Bean & Casserole
Supper 4:30 – 6pm
Maxwell Gill Hall, 131 High St,
Sabattus
$6 Member; $7 Guest
Sunday, May 8th
KC Mother’s Day Brunch
8 – 10:30am (Chapter 7938)
2 Columbus Drive, Brunswick
$5 Members; $6 Guests;
Free/Child under 10
Tuesday, May 10th
Luiggi’s 4 – 7pm
(Chapter 14346)
63 Sabattus St, Lewiston
$4.50 Member; $5.50 Guest
Sunday, May 15th
Flagship Cinema
(Chapter 8609)
Center St, Auburn
$4.50 Member; $5.50 Guest
Tuesday, May 17th
Roy’s Breakfast 7 – 10am
(Chapter 14437)
Washington St, Auburn
$3.50 Member; $4.50 Guest
Saturday, May 21st
Hometown Hero – Walter
Levesque 4:30 – 5:30pm
(Chapter 10589)
KC Sacred Heart Bean Supper
8 Sacred Heart Place, Auburn
$5 Ticket
Tuesday, May 24th
Taber’s 4 – 7pm
(Chapter 12749)
Lakeshore Drive, Auburn
$5.50 Member; $7 Guest
I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it, it was a shitzu.
TICKETS ARE LIMITED – NO RE-
TURNS & NO REFUNDS ALLOWED
Prices, Dates and Menu are subject to
change. If additional info is needed, please
call our office, please do not call restaurants.
All activities can only be attended at
the times listed.
*************************
Tickets need to be purchased at the
Modern Woodmen District Office,
184 Webster Street, Lewiston for all
activities and can only be picked up the
week prior to the activity, Mon – Thurs
9am - 4pm & Friday 9am - Noon
(excluding Holidays). Call 782-1833.

UNCLE ANDY’S DIGEST
is published by the first
Friday of every month by Maine
Mountain Ocean Group, Inc.
with offices at 9 Grove Street,
Auburn, Maine, USA.
Published and distributed since
1996 throughout Central Maine
and mailed to subscribers all over
the Free World. Subscriptions are
$30/year. Send a check made out
to UNCLE ANDY’S DIGEST to:
PO Box 3363, Auburn, ME 04212
UncleAndysDigest.com
Office: 207-783-7039
UAD Super Heroes
SPIDY
TIM
CAPTAIN
JIMBO
The grass may be greener on the other side but at least you don't have to mow it.
AFFORDABLE DENTURES
Poorly fitting or broken dentures repaired
on-site, usually same-day service!
Also see us for:
• Full Dentures
• Immediate Dentures
• Partial Dentures
• Rebases
• Relines
• Repairs
• All work done in house,
including metal frameworks
Like our name implies, we’ll make you Smile Again!
HULK
SMASH
THOMAS
We now offer Citi Health Card • Most Dental Insurances Accepted
We also accept Credit & Debit Cards • Not a MaineCare Provider
FREE CONSULTATIONS
BATGIRL
TRACY
WONDER
WOMAN
PAM
SMILE AGAIN DENTURES
801 Webster Street, Lewiston
514-0660
SmileAgainDentures.com
Or email us at:
smileagaindentures@gmail.com
Mike & Joe
Adkins,
licensed
denturists
While Uncle Andy’s Digest tries very hard to
ensure the accuracy of the information in our
client’s advertisements and our publication in
general, we are not responsible for vendor
availability, typographical errors, technical inaccuracies,
product pricing errors, or omissions.
Uncle Andy’s Digest
4
May 2016
...with
Jimbo
783-7039
I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day. Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.

I backed a horse last week at ten to one. It came in at quarter past four.
Don’t Forget... May 7 & 8 is our
OPEN HOUSE WEEKEND!
DOOR PRIZES • GIVEAWAYS • REFRESHMENTS
For All Your Flower Garden & Vegetable Garden Needs
10 Greenhouses full of...
Full Line of
Bagged Mulch • Soils • Fertilizers
Garden Tools • Pro-Mix • Potting Soil
Bulk deliveries available
Mother’s Day
May 8 th
Gift Certificates Available
Proven Winners ®
10” to 12” Hanging Combination
Annual Flats, Herb & Vegetable
Flats & Pots • Geraniums
Bulk
• Trees & Shrubs • Asparagus
& Strawberry Roots
• Seed Potato • Seeds
Mulch • Loam • Compost
GREENHOUSE & GARDEN CENTER
OPEN EVERY DAY 8-6
896 Lawrence Rd, No. Pownal • 207-688-4462
www.gardenspotfarm.com
Wednesdays SENIORS 62 & over 10% OFF
Out ’n About at the
16th Annual Celebrity
Waiter Dinner
A fundraiser for Sexual Assault
Prevention & Response Services
Andrew Robinson
District Attorney
Took my dog to a bonfire and as he sat there staring at it, I realized he loves sticks.
I was burning a giant pile of his toys.
Bill Lowenstein
President SAPARS
rebekah@ninthtonestudios.com • 207-520-9453
Results of Voice Lessons
• Increase Volume, range & resonance
• Gained confidence on and off the stage
• Become a better musician, performer & MORE!
Study voice with Rebekah Leonard, who holds a bachelor of music
degree in voice performance and is a full member in the National
Association of Teachers of Singing.
SUMMER SPECIAL
Buy 10 Lessons by June 1st 2016 & get 2 FREE ($70 Savings)
Went to the corner store - bought 4 corners.
Everywhere we go,
there you are (Uncle
Andy’s Digest)...
Anthony D'Andrea, NAI
& Susan Bowyer,
Certus Paralegal
Uncle Andy’s Digest
...with
Jimbo
May 2016 UncleAndys.com 5

New Golf Rules
Submitted by Jimbo
The Veterans Golf Association
has negotiated
with The Royal and Ancient
Golf Club, based in
St Andrews, Scotland to
modify the Rules of Golf
for Seniors.
Rule 1.a.5
A ball sliced or hooked
into the rough shall be
lifted and placed on the
fairway at a point equal
to the distance it carried
or rolled into the
rough with no penalty.
The senior should not
be penalized for tall
grass which
groundskeepers failed
to mow.
Rule 2.d.6 (b)
A ball hitting a tree
shall be deemed not to
have hit the tree. This
is simply bad luck and
luck has no place in a
scientific game. The
senior player must estimate
the distance the
ball would have travelled
if it had not hit the
tree and play the ball
from there.
I would challenge you to a battle of wits, but I see you’re unarmed.
ARE YOU READY FOR SUMMER?
Before
After
I-lipo
Targeted
Fat Loss
Botox & Juvederm • Wrinkle/Spot Removal • Skin Rejuvenation
I-Lipo • Hydrafacial MD • Tattoo Removal
250 Center St, Auburn • Ste 206
207-333-3069
yourbestskinofmaine.com
CALL NOW!
333-3069
"I have two acting styles: with and without a horse." – Robert Mitchum
KNOWWHOYOUHIRE.COM
Rule 3.b.3 (g)
There shall be no such
thing as a lost ball. The
missing ball is on or
near the course and
will eventually be found
and pocketed by someone
else, making
it a stolen ball. The
player is not to compound
the felony by
charging himself or
herself with a penalty.
Rule 4.c.7 (h)
If a putt passes over a
(continued on next page)
Call Us Today!
Corporate Intelligence
207-783-0000 or 1-800-818-8809
Kicking cancer
www.KnowWhoYouHire.com in the can!
“The intelligent choice
for today’s world.”
Uncle Andy’s Digest
6
May 2016
...with
Jimbo
783-7039
If you “Friend Request” me on Facebook and your profile picture is a car, I will assume
you are a transformer.

"I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it." – Mitch Hedberg
classrooms. offices. libraries. rest rooms. locker rooms. cafeterias.
(continued from previous page)
hole without dropping,
it is deemed to have
dropped. The law of
gravity supersedes the
Rules of Golf.
Rule 5.
Putts that stop close
enough to the cup that
they could be blown in,
may be blown in. This
does not apply to balls
more than three inches
from the hole. No one
wants to make a travesty
of the game.
Designed for learning.
Engineered for longevity.
www.SchiaviLeasingCorp.com
Rule 6.a.9 (k)
There is no penalty for
so-called "out of
bounds." If pennypinching
golf course
owners bought sufficient
land, this would
not occur. The senior
golfer deserves an
apology, not a penalty.
Rule 7.g.15 (z)
There is no penalty for
a ball in a water hazard,
as golf balls
should float. Senior
golfers should not be
penalized for manufacturers'
shortcomings.
Rule 8.k.9 (s)
Advertisements claim
that golf scores can be
improved by purchasing
new golf equipment.
Since this is
financially impracticable
for many senior
golfers, one-half stroke
per hole may be subtracted
for using old
equipment.
Please advise all your
senior friends of these
important rule
changes.
Do you ever have 10+ tabs open in your browser, and you can’t figure out which one the
music is coming from?
Uncle Andy’s Digest
...with
Jimbo
May 2016 UncleAndys.com 7

Out ’n About at the
16th Annual Celebrity
Waiter Dinner
A fundraiser for Sexual Assault
Prevention & Response Services
"The difference between me and the surrealists is that I am a surrealist." – Salvador Dali
Would you like
my autograph, too?
Danielle Waugh
NECN
Deb & Ed Cotton
I see
a few Perps
we may have
to frisk for
Be sure tips!
to tip your
waiters!
Joe Philippon &
Patrick Griffin
Lewiston Police Officers
Uncle Andy’s Digest
8
May 2016
...with
Jimbo
783-7039
I like your approach, now let's see your departure.

Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep.
Helping Maine Families Since 2007
With Affordable Insurance
• Group Benefits
• Health
• Dental
• Vision
• Disability
• Medicare
207-577-3052
Health.In.Maine@gmail.com
Call for Your
FREE
Consultation
Anthony D’Andrea
Licensed Agent
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
Commercial, Residential & Industrial
Plumbing & Heating Specialists
The Broken
Lawn Mower
Submitted by Thomas Hill
When our lawn mower
broke and wouldn't
run, my wife kept hinting
to me that I should
get it fixed. But, somehow
I always had
something else to take
care of first, the truck,
the car, playing golf,
Always something
more important to me.
Finally she thought of
a clever way to make
her point. When I arrived
home one day, I
found her seated in
the tall grass, busily
snipping away with a
tiny pair of sewing
scissors.
I watched silently for a
short time and then
went into the house.
I was gone only a
minute, and when I
came out again I
handed her a
toothbrush.
I said, “When you finish
cutting the grass,
you might as well
sweep the driveway.”
The doctors say I will
walk again, but I will
always have a limp.
Plumbing
Heating
Oil • Gas
Residential • Commercial
24 hour Emergency Service
207-754-4556
unitedpipingandwelding.com
If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary form.
Uncle Andy’s Digest
...with
Jimbo
May 2016 UncleAndys.com 9

Out ’n About at the
16th Annual Celebrity
Waiter Dinner
A fundraiser for Sexual Assault
Prevention & Response Services
This place
is on fire! Oh no,
that’s just me!!
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
LA BIKE NIGHT
Saturday May 7th 6-10pm Live Music & Bar
Outside on Our Patio
Line the
street for our
Motorcycle Charity
Event. Sponsored by
Black Bears
MC Maine
Saturday Nights
Live Music
May 14th Jeffrey Kilton
May28th Kristen Stearns
May 28th Brian Patricks
49 Spring Street, Auburn • 207-784-2300
Hours: Mon, Tues, Wed. 7am - 4pm; Thurs & Fri 7am - 9pm; Sat 8am - 9pm
Flamin' Raymin
Hannah Johnson
SAPARS
HELP US HELP THE COMMUNITY!
Goal: Contribute $10,000 to local
charities in 2016!
With every home sale, a contribution will be sent to 1 of 5 local charities in honor of our clients.
Together we can make a difference!
Molly Nelson
SAPARS
Marnie DuBois
207-344-3230
195 Center St, Auburn • DuBoisRealtyGroup.net
Brian DuBois
Uncle Andy’s Digest
10
May 2016
...with
Jimbo
783-7039
If you don't like the news, go out and make some.

at NEXT Level we know
YOU TOO
can become
GREAT
“together- we can make any business better”
Kurk
NEXTLevelBusinessCoaching.biz

Pilot
Confessions
Submitted by Jimbo
Glass Dolphin: clarity of porpoise.
A plane was taking off
from Kennedy Airport.
After it reached a comfortable
cruising altitude,
the captain made
an announcement
over the intercom,
“Ladies and gentlemen,
this is your captain
speaking.
Welcome to Flight
Number 293, nonstop
from New York to Los
Angeles. The weather
ahead is good and
therefore we should
have a smooth and
uneventful flight. Now
sit back and relax –
OH MY GOD!” Then
silence.
Then, the captain
came back on the intercom
and said,
“Ladies and Gentlemen,
I am so sorry if I
scared you earlier, but
while I was talking, the
flight-attendant
brought me a cup of
coffee and spilled the
hot coffee in my lap.
You should see the
front of my pants!”
A passenger in Coach
says, “He should see
the back of mine!”
GET YOUR:
Annuals
Vegetable Plants
Hanging Baskets
Window Box Plants
Mother’s Day Gifts
Gift Cards
I can handle pain until it hurts.
MAY FLOWERS
Opening Mother’s Day weekend!
Join us Saturday & Sunday, May 7th & 8th
Live music on Saturday!
Plus lots of local
Artisan products!
826 Summer St, Auburn
Open 7 days a week 10:00 - 5:30
Uncle Andy’s Digest
12
May 2016
...with
Jimbo
783-7039
Gravity: It's not just a good idea, it's the LAW!

Thomas to Jimbo: They told me I was gullible... and I believed them.
Out ’n About at the
16th Annual Celebrity
Waiter Dinner
A fundraiser for Sexual Assault
Prevention & Response Services
Jaime Ricker,
SAPARS SART Coordinator
Let’s get ready to
R U M B L E !
According to my best recollection, I don't remember.
• Walkways
• Patios
• Driveways
Jeff Peterson
WGME
• Landscaping
• Property
Maintenance
207-577-8756 CarrierLandscape.com
The last thing on earth you want to do will be the last thing you do.
Katie Thompson
WMTW
Uncle Andy’s Digest
...with
Jimbo
May 2016 UncleAndys.com 13

Bedside
Manner
Submitted by Thomas Hill
A man was seen fleeing
down the hall of the
hospital just before his
operation.
If I owned a copy store I would only hire identical twins.
10,000 Sq. ft. of Retail Space
all under one roof!
Only 25 minutes from Auburn & Gray
Guns, Guitars, Power Tools, TV’s,
Air Conditioners, and so much MORE!
"What's the matter?"
he was asked.
He said, "I heard the
nurse say, 'It's a very
simple operation, don't
worry, I'm sure it will be
alright.'"
"She was just trying to
comfort you, what's so
frightening about that?"
"She wasn't talking to
me. She was talking to
the doctor."
1190 Main Street, Oxford
207-743-0709 or
Toll free: 1-877-743-0709
Open Mon-Sat. 9am - 5pm
I wish the dollar store sold gas.
Federal
Firearms
Dealer
Gun Background Checks/Transfers
Remember, everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
LOUIE FROM BROOKLYN
reads about his family in Maine
Dear Uncle Andy's Digest,
I grew up in Auburn and my mom sent me the April edition of
Uncle Andy’s Digest because she, my dad and my sister were in it.
Here is Louie Mahon from Brooklyn, NY, checking out his Mémére
and Grandpop in the April Issue. Hope you can include the photo
in the next one.
– Thanks, Brian Mahon & Claire Cuno (Bates '03)
Uncle Andy’s Digest
14
May 2016
...with
Jimbo
783-7039
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.

Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
HOME OF THE 2 YEAR WARRANTY ON ALL PARTS & LABOR!
We can make your vehicle
GROOVY again!
Swim
Around
Submitted by Jimbo
Two frogs fell into a
deep cream bowl. One
was an optimistic soul.
But the other took the
gloomy view.
Costume furnished by Drapeau’s,
Lisbon, Maine
Mike
Smith,
Owner
“We’ll drown,” he
lamented without
much ado, and with a
last despairing cry, he
flung up his legs and
said “Goodbye.”
23 Lisbon St, • Lisbon/Lewiston line • 207-353-6100 • theshopclassicrestorations.com
Adult Case Management Services, Now Accepting Clients!
OUR SERVICES:
Case Management • Housing Resources
Therapy • Wellness & Recover Center
12 Bates St. Lewiston - 795-6710 • 100 Pine St. Lewiston - 795-6719
PO Box 1319 Lewiston ME 04243-1319 • www.commonties.org
AN EVENT TO REMEMBER!
Give Your Guests Something Different to Remember Your Event By
Quote the other frog
with a steadfast grin,
“I can’t get out but I
won’t give in, I’ll just
swim around till my
strength is spent,
then I’ll die the more
content.”
Bravely he swam to
work his scheme,
and his struggles
began to churn the
cream.
The more he swam,
his legs a flutter,
the more the cream
turned into butter.
On top of the butter at
last he stopped,
and out of the bowl he
gaily hopped.
What is the moral? It’s
easily found…
If you can’t hop out,
keep swimming
around!
207-619-2454
GingersnapRentals.com
• Indoors or Out
• Great for Weddings,
Parties, Reunions,
Golf Tournaments
& More!
My phone has better health insurance than I do.
Uncle Andy’s Digest
...with
Jimbo
May 2016 UncleAndys.com 15

Out ’n About at the
16th Annual Celebrity
Waiter Dinner
A fundraiser for Sexual Assault
Prevention & Response Services
Mirror mirror on the wall, why do all my selfies look dopey?
We Offer Beard Grooming!
Marcel’s
$
12
Mens & Boys CUTS for
All day – Every day! Walk-ins welcome.
Flat Tops - Fades - Mohawks - Mens & Boys Regular Cuts - Waxing
Kayce Hunton
SAPARS
54 Mill Street, New Auburn • 783-3444
OPEN: Tues-Fri 7:30am - 5:30pm; Sat 7:30am - 2pm
HEAT & COOL! Ver y Cool!
Ductless heat pumps are super quiet and efficient.
$
500 REBATE*
from efficiency MAINE. *Call for details.
Now Hiring
HVAC/Refrigeration
Tech
Susan Koch
SAPARS
Service with
a smile!
Kristen Cloutier
Lewiston City Council
Since
1954
Rollodrome
SCHEDULE
Thursday Nights - Ages 20+ 7:30-10pm
Friday Nights - All Skating 7:30 - 10:00
Saturday & Sunday - 1:30 - 4pm
Saturday Nights - Family Night 7:30 - 10pm
Sunday Night - All SK8 • 7:30 - 10pm
Where Good Skaters Meet
CLOSED
MOTHER’S
DAY
12 Riverside Drive, Auburn • 777-3940
www.rollodrome.com
137 Spring St., Auburn
786-3246
www.nadeausrefrigeration.com
Uncle Andy’s Digest
16
May 2016
...with
Jimbo
783-7039
I said I was good at making decisions. I didn't say the decisions I made were good.

Making car payments is the lease of my worries.
Life After
Delivery
Submitted by Jimbo
In a mother’s womb
were two babies. One
asked the other: “Do
you believe in life after
delivery?” The other
replied, “Why, of
course. There has to
be something after delivery.
Maybe we are
here to prepare ourselves
for what we will
be later.”
“Nonsense” said the
first. “There is no life
after delivery. What
kind of life would that
be?”
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with,
"Quit while you're ahead"?
The second said, “I
don’t know, but there
will be more light than
here. Maybe we will
walk with our legs and
eat from our mouths.
Maybe we will have
other senses that we
can’t understand now.”
SUNDAY
Baked Ziti
$
6.00
THURSDAY
Mini Pizza
1 topping $
2.99
2 toppings $
3.99
Since 1953
Open Daily 9am - 10pm
MONDAY
The Fergy
sm $
2.99
lg $
5.75
LuiggisPizzeria.com
TUESDAY
Meatball Subs
WEDNESDAY
Spaghetti Dinners
1 meatball, salad,
sm $
3.35 w/ch $ 3.99
garlic bread, drink
lg $
6.50 w/ch $ 7.50 $
5.99
FRIDAY
$1.00 OFF
Any Large Pizza
SATURDAY
2 Ham or Salami
Italians
$
7.99
EVERY DAY: Regular Pizza with Drink $ 5.99
The first replied, “That
is absurd. Walking is
impossible. And eating
with our mouths?
Ridiculous! The umbilical
cord supplies nutrition
and everything we
need. But the umbilical
cord is so short. Life
after delivery is to be
logically excluded.”
The second insisted,
“Well I think there is
something and maybe
it’s different than it is
here. Maybe we won’t
need this physical cord
anymore.”
(continued on next page)
Working out in my basement. So far, no one has hit on me.
Uncle Andy’s Digest
...with
Jimbo
May 2016 UncleAndys.com 17

(continued from previous page)
The first replied, “Nonsense.
And moreover
if there is life, then why
has no one has ever
come back from
there? Delivery is the
end of life, and in the
after-delivery there is
nothing but darkness
and silence and oblivion.
It takes us
nowhere.”
“Well, I don’t know,”
said the second, “but
certainly we will meet
Mother and she will
take care of us.”
The first replied
“Mother? You actually
believe in Mother?
That’s laughable. If
Mother exists then
where is She now?”
The second said, “She
is all around us. We
are surrounded by her.
We are of Her. It is in
Her that we live. Without
Her this world
would not and could
not exist.”
Said the first: “Well I
don’t see Her, so it is
only logical that She
doesn’t exist.”
To which the second
replied, “Sometimes,
when you’re in silence
and you focus and you
really listen, you can
perceive Her presence,
and you can
hear Her loving voice,
calling down from
above.”
Uncle Andy’s Digest
18
(Parable written in
Hungarian by Útmutató a
Léleknek, translated by
Miranda Linda Weisz)
May 2016
...with
Jimbo
783-7039
Just pretend the person in the mirror is your fatter clone.
SET YOUR SAILS FOR TASTINESS
Fresh Food • Fair Prices
Weekly Specials
“Best Seafood Restaurant”
Ten years in a row.
Award Winning Chowder
Family Owned
for 3 Generations
Lounge • Dining Room • Private Function Rooms
165 High Street, Auburn • 782-7796
Open Tuesday - Sunday • www.villageinnmaine.com
Life is too complicated in the morning.
BK Auto
Full Service Garage • Quality Pre-owned Vehicles • New & Used Tires
Complete Restorations • State Inspection Station • Pipe Bending • Custom Exhaust
PRE-OWNED VEHICLES
2000 Volvo S70........................................ $ 2,850
2002 Ford Taurus ..................................... $ 2,950
2000 Chevy K1500 w/ plow .................... $ 7,950
REDUCED
2004 Chevy Impala .................................. $ 2,850
2000 Cadillac Deville............................... $ 3,950
Outdoor Patio
Opening Soon!
~ MAY SPECIALS ~
Transmission
Flush $ 149
Most passenger cars & mid size
trucks. includes filter & up to
9 quarts of fluid
Oil Change
only $ 19.99
Includes filter and up to
5 quarts of oil
2290 Hallowell Road, Litchfield • 207-268-2163 • capt1022@yahoo.com
“Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe
together.” – Carl Zwanzig

785 Main St. Lewiston
(just past Marden’s on the right)
Plenty of parking!
Smart phone? Not the way I use it.
Outdoor Artisan Market Event
Saturday May 7th 10am - 4pm
Featuring
Hand-painted Bohemian
Whimsy Jewelry, Steph’s
Cookies & many more!
*Indoors if inclement weather
Remember Mom
on Mother’s Day!
Out ’n About at the
16th Annual Celebrity
Waiter Dinner
A fundraiser for Sexual Assault
Prevention & Response Services
Hours: Tues. Wed. Fri. 10am-5pm
Thurs. 2pm-7pm Sat. 11am-4pm
See us on Facebook FMI for more Artisan’s Markets, Leggings Events & More!
Larry & Bonnie
Pelletier
1472 Lisbon St.
Lewiston
Happy Hour
In Our Lounge
Mon. - Thurs.
3-5pm
207-376-3870 • chickadeelewiston.com
LOBSTER ROLLS
LOBSTER SUBS
FISH CHOWDER - CLAM CHOWDER - LOBSTER STEW
BAKED, BROILED OR FRIED SEAFOOD PLATTERS
Join Us Mother’s Day - May 8 th
Reservations for parties of 5 or more
Nice job,
Tracy Draper.
Your pics rock!
Leroy & Beverly
Walker
Enjoying.
Every.
Minute!
Lisa Ellis &
Trevis Knapp
Key Bank
Global warming is caused by people being uncool.
Uncle Andy’s Digest
...with
Jimbo
May 2016 UncleAndys.com 19

10 Business
Rules
Submitted by Jimbo
1. A pat on the back is
only a few inches
from a kick in the
butt.
Gravity always gets me down.
JOIN US FOR OUR
2. Don’t be irreplaceable,
if you can’t be
replaced, you can’t
be promoted.
3. The more crap you
put up with, the
more crap you are
going to get.
4. When the bosses
talk about improving
productivity, they
are never talking
about themselves.
Saturday,
May 21st
9:00am - 3:00pm
5. If at first you don’t
succeed, try again.
Then quit. No use
being a fool about it.
6. Everything can be
filed under
“miscellaneous.”
7. Never delay the
ending of a meeting
or the beginning of
a cocktail hour.
8. Anyone can do any
amount of work provided
it isn’t the
work he/she is supposed
to be doing.
9. If you are good, you
will be assigned all
the work. If you are
really good, you will
get out of it.
10. No matter how
much you do, you
never do enough.
Uncle Andy’s Digest
20
May 2016
...with
Jimbo
783-7039
NEW
at Dad’s
50ml
NIPS
There’s NO PLACE like...
Dad’s
23 Pleasant Street, Mechanic Falls
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up
just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.

A round-trip plane ticket: Boy, that really takes me back.
COME CHECK OUT OUR
NEWLY REMODELED STORE!
• Raffles
• Door Prizes
• Food Specials
• Giveaways
• 20% on Redemp
No coupon necessary on 5.21
FULL SERVICE GAS
Just like the old days!
Sit in our brand new
dining area!
(9am - 3pm on Saturday,
May 21st only)
NEW at Dad’s
Dad’s Place before the
expansion
Dad’s Walk-in Beer Cave!
Ice cold & waiting for you.
Place
207-345-5551 • DadsPlace.info
Why would they hang a whole jury just because they couldn't make up their minds?
Best Beer
Submitted by Thomas Hill
After the Great Britain
Beer Festival, in London,
some of the
brewery presidents
decided to go out for a
beer.
The guy from Corona
sits down and says,
“Hey Señor, I would
like the world’s best
beer, a Corona.”
The bartender dusts
off a bottle from the
shelf and gives it to
him.
The guy from Budweiser
says, “I’d like
the best beer in the
world, give me ‘The
King Of Beers’, a Budweiser.”
The bartender
gives him one.
The guy from Coors
says, “I’d like the only
beer made with Rocky
Mountain spring water,
give me a Coors.” He
gets it.
The guy from
Guinness sits down
and says, “Give me
a Coke.”
The bartender is a little
taken aback, but gives
him what he ordered.
The other brewery
presidents look over at
him and ask “Why
aren’t you drinking a
Guinness?” and the
Guinness president
replies, “Well, I figured
if you guys aren’t
drinking beer, neither
would I.”
Uncle Andy’s Digest
...with
Jimbo
May 2016 UncleAndys.com 21

Out ’n About at the
16th Annual Celebrity
Waiter Dinner
A fundraiser for Sexual Assault
Prevention & Response Services
I'm not ignoring you, I'm being mysterious.
Lisa Olmstead &
Dee Chapman
Thank you
to everyone who
attended and made our
16th annual Celebrity
Waiter Dinner a huge
success!
Marty McIntyre,
Executive Director
SAPARS
Matt Howe &
Jane Mackey
Uncle Andy’s Digest
22
May 2016
...with
Jimbo
783-7039
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance
to my house.

Congratulations! Your software finally irritated me into upgrading it.
Listen to Kevin on the
Finance Safari Radio Show!
Saturday mornings 7-8am
on WVOM 101.3
Crash
Landing
Submitted by
Jimmy Benson
Abe and Esther are flying
to Australia for a
two-week vacation to
celebrate their 50th
anniversary.
Suddenly, over the public
address system, the
Captain announces,
"Ladies and Gentlemen,
I'm afraid I have some
very bad news. Our engines
have ceased functioning
and we will
attempt an emergency
landing.
Frisbie & Associates
can help you understand
how the new Budget Act
will impact your filing
strategies and options.
Luckily, I see an uncharted
island below us
and we should be able
to land on the beach.
However, the odds are
that we may never be
rescued and will have to
live on the island for the
rest of our lives!"
Thanks to the skill of the
flight crew, the plane
lands safely on the
island.
An hour later Abe turns
to his wife and asks,
"Esther, did we pay our
VISA and MasterCard
bills yet?"
"No, sweetheart," she
responds.
Abe, still shaken from
the crash landing, then
asks, "Esther, did we
pay our American Express
card yet?"
656 MAIN STREET, LEWISTON
FRISBIEBENEFITS.COM
Investment advisory services are offered through Foundations Investment Advisors, LLC and is a SEC registered advisor.
I put my shoes on before my pants to remind myself life ain't easy.
"Oh, no! I'm sorry. I forgot
to send the check,"
she says.
"One last thing Esther.
(continued on next page)
Uncle Andy’s Digest
...with
Jimbo
May 2016 UncleAndys.com 23

(continued from previous page)
Did you remember to
send the estimate check
to the IRS this quarter?"
he asks.
Turns out I’m not an afternoon person, either.
"Oh, forgive me, Abe,"
begged Esther. "I didn't
send that one, either."
Abe grabs her and gives
her the biggest kiss in
40 years. Esther pulls
away and asks him,
"What was that for?"
Abe answers, "They'll
find us!"
Guerrilla
Marketing
Submitted by Jimbo
A grocer put up a sign
that read "Eggplants,
25¢ each - three for a
dollar."
All day long, customers
came in exclaiming:
"Don't be ridiculous! I
should get four for a
dollar!"
Meekly the grocer capitulated
and packaged
four eggplants. The tailor
next door had been
watching these antics
and finally asked the
grocer, "Aren't you
going to fix the mistake
on your sign?"
"What mistake?" the
grocer asked. "Before I
put up that sign no one
ever bought more than
one eggplant."
Uncle Andy’s Digest
24
May 2016
...with
Jimbo
783-7039
It's been Monday all week.

Out ’n About at the
16th Annual Celebrity
Waiter Dinner
A fundraiser for Sexual Assault
Prevention & Response Services
Join Us!
It's bad luck to be superstitious.
Glow Bowling & Laser Light Show
Mike Berube
& Kurt Ellis
Glow Bowling Every Friday & Saturday
9:30-Midnight - $ 15pp
10 Pin, Candlepin & a whole lot of fun!
24 Mollison Way, Lewiston • 207-786-2695 • SparetimeRec.com
VISIT OUR NEW WEBSITE
COASTALTSHIRTS.COM
THINK SPRING!
Baseball • Softball • Lacrosse • Track • Landscapers • Contractors
Rhonda Webber
CLT & La Cage
Boy!!
Mad skills is
hard work!*
• Screen Printing
• Embroidery
• Promotional Products
205 Washington Street South, Auburn • 207-784-4184 • coastaltshirts.com
Sabrina Best
Auburn Rec. Dept.
*Sabrina showed everyone
her insane basketball dribbling
skills.
Uncle Andy’s Digest
26
May 2016
...with
Jimbo
783-7039
The American Legion
FAMILY
OPEN
Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday 1pm - close
Thursday, Friday, Saturday noon to close
Sunday noon to close
Hall Rentals Available
Call for more information
207-782-1118
William J. Rogers Post 153
71 South Main St, Auburn • 207-782-1118
Activities - Members & Guests Welcome
CHECK OUT - HAPPY HOUR FRIDAYS
Free Appetizers & Drink Specials
BREAKFAST BUFFET
Sunday May 15, 8-10am Adults $7 Children $4
Profits Benefit Auburn Middle School Odyssey of the Mind Team
CHICKEN BBQ DINNER
Saturday May 21 - Adults $8 Children $4
LIVE MUSIC May 20 - Dum Bum & May 21 - 4Play
KARAOKE W/ JEAN LOUIS Fri. & Sat. evenings 7-11pm
Except May 20th & 21st
I would organize my thoughts but I'm afraid they would form a union and
demand benefits.

I've tweeted over 70 thousand times. Now I'm wishing they'd all been sit-ups.
Try Us Once, You’ll Be a Regular!
Daily Specials
Monday: Ham Italian ...................sm. $1.59 lg. $2.59
Tuesday: 10” 1-topping Pizza ............................$3.99
Wednesday: Chicken Salad ..........................sm. $1.99
........................................................................lg. $3.49
Thursday: Bowl of Chili......................................$3.99
BLT .............................sm. $1.99 lg. $3.49
Friday: Tuna Italian ......................sm. $1.99 lg. $3.49
Saturday: Baked Beans ................qt. $3.59 pt. $2.59
Sunday: .................................$2.00 off any large pizza
SABATTUS
MAIN STREET MARKET
2 Main Street, Sabattus
375-8502
OPEN 7 Days 6am - 8pm
Come see my
Dad for some of
the best food
around!
2 LARGE
1-TOPPING PIZZAS $
15.99
ONLY
Expires 5.31.16
I was in the store and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said,
''Are you two an item?
Big Kid
Submitted by Thomas Hill
Dear Mrs. Rucker,
Over the past few
months, your husband,
Mr. Timothy Rucker has
been causing quite a
commotion in our store.
We cannot tolerate this
type of behavior and have
considered banning your
entire family from shopping
in our store.
We have documented all
incidents on our video
surveillance equipment.
Three of our workers are
attending counselling
from the trouble your husband
has caused. All
complaints against Mr.
Rucker have been compiled
and are listed
below:
Complaints - Things
Mr. Timothy Rucker
has done while his
wife was shopping in
our store:
January 22: Took 18
boxes of condoms and
randomly put them in
people's carts when
they weren't looking.
February 4: Set all the
alarm clocks in household
department to go
off at 5 minute
intervals.
March 9: Made a trail
of tomato ketchup on
the floor leading to the
toilets.
March 21: Walked up
to an employee and
told her in an official
tone, 'Code 5' in fruit
and veg..... and then
watched what
happened.
(continued on page 29)
My enemies are gonna be so sorry if I ever get out of this bean bag chair.
Uncle Andy’s Digest
...with
Jimbo
May 2016 UncleAndys.com 27

Chopsticks
Submitted by Thomas Hill
Nobody talk to me until I've Instagrammed my coffee.
Luke and Obi-Wan are
in a Chinese restaurant
having a meal. Skillfully
using his chopsticks,
Obi-Wan deftly dishes
himself a large portion
of noodles into his
bowl, then tops it off
with some chicken and
cashew nuts. All this is
done with the consummate
ease you'd expect
from a Jedi
Master.
Poor old Luke is having
a nightmare, using his
chopsticks in both
hands, dropping his
food all over the table
and eventually himself.
Obi-Wan looks at Luke
disapprovingly and
says, "Use the
FORKS, Luke."
I'm changing the wifi password until everyone puts their laundry away.
NEW AUBURN SOCIAL CLUB
7 SECOND ST. AUBURN • 207-782-9039
Benefit for Aubrey
MAY 7 TH - Dinner & Live Music
Spaghetti Dinner 5-7pm - $5.00
DumBum Band 8-12
“Camp No Limits” aims to optimize the functional independence
of children living with limb loss, and provides support for the
children, parents, siblings and other family members. Let’s help
send AUBREY and her family to camp. Our goal here at New
Auburn is to raise $2,000 to send AUBREY and her 3 family
members to camp.
RAFFLES ~ 50/50
NO SMOKING 3PM - MIDNIGHT
Uncle Andy’s Digest
28
May 2016
...with
Jimbo
783-7039
My wife and I have been keeping an eye on our spending. From what we can see,
we’re very, very good at it.

My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else. One arm at a time.
One Call Does It All!
(continued from page 27)
April 14: Moved a
'CAUTION - WET
FLOOR' sign to a carpeted
area.
April 17: Set up a tent
in the camping department
and told other
shoppers he'd invite
them in for a cup of tea
if they would bring pillows
from the bedding
department.
April 29: When a shelf
stacker asks if they can
help him, he begins to
cry and demands,
'Why can't you people
just leave me alone?'
May 3: Looked right
into the security
camera; used it as a
mirror, and picked his
nose in a disgusting
fashion.
I'm not a doctor but I know adding cheese to anything makes it an antidepressant.
We Offer a Complete Line of Outdoor Furniture
by Poly Wood
May 18: Hid in a clothing
rack and when
people browsed, yelled
'Pick me! Pick me!'
May 23: When an announcement
came
over the loud speaker,
he assumes the fetal
position and screams,
'NO! NO! It's those
voices again!' And;
last, but not least:
May 28: Went into a fitting
room in the clothing
department, shut
the door and waited
awhile; then, yelled,
very loudly, 'There is
no toilet paper in here!'
www.abcpool.com • 207-783-0858 • 800-244-0858 • 1975 Lisbon Rd. Lewiston
He's street smart. Sesame Street smart.
We are not sure if
its possible to get the
big kid out of Mr.
Rucker. But we must
keep our eye on him.
Uncle Andy’s Digest
...with
Jimbo
May 2016 UncleAndys.com 29

CALL THE PROS
This & A Whole Lot More!
Harris Brothers Rubbish Removal
Milwaukee Power Tools Nuts, bolts, fasteners We make keys!
61 Mill Street, New Auburn
207-783-6927 • MySelco.com
Mon-Fri 7:30-5:30 • Sat. 8-4
70 Main St, South Paris 1-844-ME-TRASH
Residential~Commercial~Clean outs/Bulks
Serving Oxford Hills, Minot, Hebron, Poland, Bridgton,
Denmark, Naples, Lewiston & Auburn
GOT TRASH?
www.harrisbrothersrubbish.com
Join us for some Affordable FUN!
$
12 up to 48 cards - Games pay $ 50 - $ 100
LYAF
Sunday at 6:00PM
Wed., Thurs, & Friday
at 6:30PM
Pleasant Street Bingo Hall
475 Pleasant St., Lewiston • 777-1394
YOUR ONE STOP SHOP FOR HEALTH CONVENIENCE
Weight Loss & Fitness Coaching • Health Food Solutions • Personal Training & Conditioning
Metabolic Analysis • Vo2 Testing • Fitness Classes • Nutrition Classes
Average Loss Month One: 17.5 lbs
1166 Lisbon St., Lewiston • 777-3223 • www.mendabody.net
LaBonte Financial Services, Inc.
Tax Preparation
& Planning
Bert LaBonte, CPA, MBA, MST
155 Center Street, Auburn
782-9500 • bglcpa@aol.com
Call
for FREE
Estimate!
Unique Gifts &
Household Must-Haves!
Primitives & Antiques
Vintage & Estate Jewelry
Antique & 2nd Hand Furniture
Frames & Mirrors
Pin-Ups, Classic &
Contemporary Art
Maps, Signage, Americana
& Militaria
Items to Repurpose, Recycle &
Upcycle!
TIME FOR SPRING CLEANING!
EMERGENCY RESPONSE
• Water Damage
• Fire/Soot/Smoke Damage
• Mold Remediation
• Sewage
Kara
ServiceMaster Fire & Water Restoration
29 Brickyard Circle, Auburn
207-539-4452
smfireandwater.com • smcarpetcleaning.com
CLEANING SERVICES
• Carpets - Commercial & Residential
• Hard Surface Floors
• Tile and Grout
• Post Construction Cleaning
Jeff
DAD’S PLACE
REDEMPTION
23 Pleasant St, Mechanic Falls • 345-5551
Located in the building behind Dad’s Place
Hours: Monday - Sunday 9am - 5pm
(closed Tuesdays & Major Holidays)
6¢
on all 5¢ returns
with this coupon.
(Must present coupon at
Redemp prior to counting)
UAD expires 5.31.16
Grizzlies are emerging from hibernation, so hiking in groups of 3 is recommended. Also not being the slowest helps.

CALL THE PROS
Pot Holes Got You Down?
We Can Help!
25 Fern Street, Turner 207-225-5012
2 & 4 Wheel
Alignments
Complete
Front End Work
Call Us Today!
Walk-ins Welcome
Color • Highlights • Perms • Razor Cuts
• Flat Tops • Fades • Regular Cuts
Senior Citizens Welcome
207-784-2545
26 Nickerson Ave, Auburn
(behind Great Falls Credit Union)
Booth Rentals
Available
Connie
Norton
Buying or Selling?
I’d love to earn your business!
Kristi Norcross
Northeast Real Estate
Office 784-0159 • Cell 577-6408
knorcross@roadrunner.com
www.bhhsnere.com
Lowest prices on internal inspections
and service work – GUARANTEED!
Call for your FREE quote!
Quality
Workmanship
since 1989
ALTERNATIVE SPRINKLER
FIRE PROTECTION
Installation • Service • Inspections
Dan Banker • 207-838-8930
Central Maine’s choice for
Complete Home Remodeling
Insured • References • FREE Quotes
207-786-4414
www.straightlineroof.com
Rachel Larrivee Massage Therapy
Also offering on-site
services for the
workplace & home
183 Main Street, Lewiston
754.7707 • LewistonMassage.com
"Introducing 'lite' - the new way to spell 'light', but with 20% fewer letters." – Jerry Seinfeld

Out ’n About at the
NinthTone Voice
Studio Recital
It's okay, Web MD. I don't really know what's wrong with me either.
Anaya Egge
Leanna Ward
What a
great day
for a recital!
40 East Ave. Lewiston Next to Sea40 Hours: Mon-Thurs. 11a-9p;
Fri. 11a-11p; Sat. 10a-11p
Sun. 10a-9p
207-783-3888
Visit Our Website for
Hop & Hibachi
Birthday Party Options
AERO FITNESS
Aero Fitness
Every Wed. &
Thurs. at 5:30pm
Limited to 12 people
$12/class
Call Aero Air Park
to Reserve Your
Space Today!
#aeroairpark
www.aeroairpark.com
Uncle Andy’s Digest
32
Mark Howard
Pianist
May 2016
...with
Jimbo
783-7039
Fun For All
Ages!
Parties & Groups
Welcome
Buy One Get
One 1/2 OFF!
Mon. - Thurs. only
not to be combined with
✃
any other offer
expires 5/31/16
Just bought a universal remote control. This changes everything.

There is no simple household repair that I can't turn into a visit to the ER.
Out ’n About at the
NinthTone Voice
Studio Recital
Myolene Gelinas
When the student
is ready, the
teacher will appear.
Rebeckah Leonard
& Maxwell Draper
I may have just
recruited the next
member of the Woman’s
Literary Union!
Tizz Crowley
I'm allergic to bears. One bear bite & it's straight to the ER for me.
Uncle Andy’s Digest
...with
Jimbo
May 2016 UncleAndys.com 33

L/
A t
Good news from around Lew
Hey L/A, keep watching (and reading) every month for more great stuff like what you’re about
to read... We’re sure you’ll find it heartwarming and amazing.
We’ll be on the look out for more local heroes, so if you know of one PLEASE let us know!
OFF TO
THE RACES
Written by Melissa Donahue
Kayla Allen described her experience at
this year’s World Race Walking Cup Trials in
St. Louis, Missouri, as “unbelievable.” Allen
won third place, earning herself a highly coveted
spot on the USA Junior Women’s Team for
the upcoming IAFF World Race Walk Team
Championships. At the age of seventeen, the
Lewiston High School junior is the youngest
member of Team USA.
Now a three-time All-American and a
two-time Class A state champion, Kayla began
race walking in middle school. It wasn’t until
she enrolled in the Auburn recreational summer
track program—where she met Coach
Tom Menendez—that her passion for the sport
really came to life. Coach Menendez quickly
recognized Kayla’s strong ambitions and
encouraged her to pursue race walking
beyond the realm of school sports.
Always a team player,
it is important to Kayla to
do Team USA proud.
“
"
Kayla dedicated herself to practicing and
improving upon her skills throughout the winter
under the tutelage of Menendez. Said
Menendez of the St. Louis trials, “We went into
it positively convinced that we were going to
do our best.” Kayla knew she was fighting an
uphill battle, as she entered the trials ranked
fifth in her division with only the top three
contenders heading to the world championships.
The battle was won when she finished
the 10K race well within the 53:15 time
requirement, pacing an impressive 8:27 per
mile and breaking her own personal best
record. She also currently holds the Maine
record in the Indoor 3000K at 14:37.4, and Indoor
1500 at 7:00.08.
As she prepares for the trip of a lifetime to
Rome, Italy, for the championships, Kayla is
filled with excitement and gratitude for the opportunity
to compete with some of the world’s
best athletes in track and field. She feels fortunate
to be joined by her mentor, Coach Menendez,
who was selected to be the assistant coach
for Team USA. Going into the championships,
Kayla’s main goal is to improve upon her race
time. Always a team player, it is important to
Kayla to do Team USA proud. Ultimately, she
hopes to qualify for the 20K Olympic Trials in
2020.
The championship event takes place just
outside the ancient Circo Massimo, a location
famous for its historic chariot races. Rome’s
Arch de Constantine, the largest surviving
Roman triumphal arch, and the infamous
Colosseum, Rome’s first permanent amphitheater,
can be seen from the starting point of the
race. All along the course, athletes will have a
view of the Terme di Caracalla (Baths of Caracalla),
once the second largest Roman public
baths and presently the summer home of
Rome’s opera company.
As a junior competitor, Kayla will kick off
the championship event with her team on the
morning of Saturday, May 7, 2016. Over 650
junior and senior athletes from over 80 different
countries are expected to compete, with
approximately 200 participating in the junior
race. The USA Track and Field Race Walk
Committee has provided further incentives for
U.S. athletes including recognition for new
“personal best” race times and awards for the
first American athletes to cross the finish line
in each event as well as for competitors who
set new national and regional records. n
Uncle Andy’s Digest
34
May 2016
...with
Jimbo
783-7039
Please continue to hold. All of our customer service representatives are busy frustrating
other customers.

oday
iston Auburn and Beyond!
Photo courtesy of Colby Michaud, Praxis Production Studios
LEWISTON BLUE DEVILS
AWARDS BANQUET CAPS OFF
STELLAR SEASON
Interview by Ginger Leigh Smith
Legacy, big shoes to fill, history, tradition,
destiny…all things Lysa Laverdiere must have
had in mind when taking over as the head coach
of the Lewiston High School Blue Devil Cheerleaders.
Already a highly successful squad with
a number of state titles in its trophy case, she
probably also thought, “How the heck do I top
THAT?!”
Well, you top that with one more accomplishment
this perennial powerhouse had never
achieved prior to this year – going undefeated!
The Blue Devils wrapped up their 2015-16 season
with another state and New England title
and won every other competition along the way.
“
We were blessed with leaders
and upperclassmen who had
tunnel vision and eager underclassmen
who were willing to
do whatever it took to get
there.
"
I recently sat down with the Coach
Laverdiere to get her reflections on this noteworthy
achievement, the season overall and her
plans for next year.
Ginger: “Ok Coach, as a former coach myself,
I know you go into a season with hopes and a
plan. So what WERE yours going in and now,
being on the other side, how do you feel about it
and how DO you top that?”
Coach Lysa: “I set out to do what we did
which was to be undefeated. We were blessed
with leaders and upperclassmen who had tunnel
vision and eager underclassmen who were
willing to do whatever it took to get there. And
we will top that next year by continuing to raise
the bar at the State & New England competitions
by increasing our difficulty and
performance level.”
Lysa Laverdiere, came up through the
cheering ranks herself having previously
coached at the middle school and working as an
assistant for the high school team.
I asked how her squad was able to sustain
such difficulty in performances and create so
much depth on their bench. She related to me
that there are a lot of opportunities for the athletes
to begin cheering at a very young age here
in the L/A community, so that when they do
come up through the ranks, many are already
highly skilled with lots of raw talent. Lysa also
added that these kids also possess an incredible
work ethic, as well as a lot of determination and
motivation which sets them apart from their
peers.
“They see success and then they aspire to
it,” explained Coach Laverdiere. “When they
get to us, we are able to take potential and mold
it into picture-perfect athletes, but it takes a lot
of dedication and they work very hard.”
Ginger: “Did you have a strategy & new ideas
or did you kind of take an “If it ain’t broke, don’t
fix it” approach?”
Coach Lysa: “Both. The Lewiston Cheer tradition
is very successful, however, we have to
change it up every year. Each team has a different
dynamic and I’m also a coach to 22 different
kids who have their own goals and needs, and
this year, I think we nailed it.”
Ginger: “How do you plan for next year with
a third of your squad graduating?”
Coach Lysa: “Well, we start over every year.
It begins in summer camp and then we go
through the Fall season where they may cheer
for football and soccer and then in November,
Photo courtesy of Memorable Moments
we start preparing for competition season. We
meet them at the level they’re at and build from
there. We’ve got amazing athletes returning
and very promising ones coming up and a great
program at the middle school, so I’m not
worried.”
Ginger: “If you could tell your team something
you haven’t yet, what would it be?”
Coach Lysa: “Well, I have told them how
proud I am of them but really, you can’t say it
enough. They overcame so much throughout the
season including injuries, and they accomplished
so much. Since I came in mid-season, I
really wish I would have had more time with the
seniors. You make the connection and then poof
– it’s over. What I can say about this team is
that there was not one day that I left practice
and ever felt let down by them; there was something
good in every practice and every competition
and that is something you cannot praise
enough.”
Congratulations to Coach Lysa Laverdiere
and the Lewiston High School Blue Devils
Cheer Team on an amazing season and best
wishes for next year and continuing the tradition
of finishing on top. Cheers to YOU!! n

Out ’n About at the
Lewiston HS Cheer
Banquet
Shelby,
how many fore
fingers am I holding
up?
God grant me the serenity to accept the terms and conditions I will not read.
Mark Y
SATURDAY
We’ll be out
Marissa Larock
GIRLS!
Silent Auction •
Dunk Tank •
Giveaways •
50/50 •
Photo Booth •
Face Painting •
Cash Bar •
Mac’s on the Grill •
Mr. Drew & His Animals, Too •
AND MORE!
Nicholas Roy
Shelby Rucker &
Marissa Larock
Uncle Andy’s Digest
36
April 2016
...with
Jimbo
783-7039
SPONSORSHIP OPPORTUNITIES AVAILABLE!
Refusing to go to the gym counts as resistance training, right?

our Calendar
I've never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I
dropped was a carrot.
, AUGUST 13TH
side at Mac’s Grill
OUR SPONSORS
Out ’n About at the
Lewiston HS Cheer
Banquet
I think I’ll head
over to Aero Air Park
after this...
Family
FUN
Event!
We’ll have a whole cast of characters...
Sort of like Disney :)
Kali Monterio
I think
I’ll head to Sea 40
after this...
Live Music!
Debbie Bodwell
Coach Lysa Laverdiere
Modern Woodmen of America
Our media
sponsor:
Kali Monterio
If I was a day trader, I'd start by getting rid of all my Mondays.
Uncle Andy’s Digest
...with
Jimbo
May 2016 UncleAndys.com 37

I wish some of my co-workers weren't allowed in the break room... because that's who I usually need a break from.
Blackie’s Farm
Fresh
Produce
Open Year Round
966 Minot Ave, Auburn • 786-0005 • 6am - 8pm
996 Sabattus St, Lewiston • 786-4356 • 6am - 6:30pm
THOMAS BAUER, DDS, MS
1 Willow Run, Mt. Auburn Ave, Auburn
784-8587 or (888) 895-6801
AndroscogginOrtho.com
“Where you’re
treated like family.”
Out ’n About at the Lewiston HS Cheer Banquet
Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn't
breaking news. It's been going on ever
since they introduced the iPhone.
Don’t look now!
He’s taking our
picture AGAIN!!
Home for
Senior Women
Plenty of room for walking
Objects in mirror feel older than they appear.
Call for a Tour
Rosemary Camire Knight
207-783-0961
Home for Senior Women
41 Pleasant Street, Auburn
www.chapmanhouse.org
Uncle Andy’s Digest
38
May 2016
...with
Jimbo
783-7039
Some people remember something that happened thirty-five years ago.
I can't remember why I stood up.

Don't waste my time. That's my job.
Missing
Service
Submitted by Jimbo
A pious man, who had
reached the age of
105, suddenly stopped
going to synagogue.
CARPET CLEANING ◆ TILE & GROUT ◆ UPHOLSTERY CLEANING ◆ AREA RUGS
Celebrating 30 Years of Service in the L/A Area!
BEFORE
AFTER
Alarmed by the old fellow's
absence after so
many years of faithful
attendance, the Rabbi
went to see him.
He found him in excellent
health, so the
Rabbi asked, "How
come after all these
years we don't see you
at services anymore?"
207-783-2933
WWW.COLLINSCARPETCLEANING.COM
Pretty sure my 9 month old is doing 5-Hour Energy shots behind my back.
The old man lowered
his voice. "I'll tell you,
Rabbi," he whispered.
"When I got to be 90, I
expected God to take
me any day. But then I
got to be 95, then 100,
then 105. So, I figured
that God is very busy
and must've forgotten
about me, and I don't
want to remind Him!"
Paid in Full
Submitted by Thomas Hill
A little child in church
for the first time
watched as the ushers
passed the offering
plates.
When they neared the
pew where he sat, the
youngster piped up so
that everyone could
hear; "Don't pay for me
Daddy, I'm under five."
I've finally reached the age where Happy Hour is a nap.
Uncle Andy’s Digest
...with
Jimbo
May 2016 UncleAndys.com 39

Out ’n About at the
Lewiston HS Cheer
Banquet
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
Being the
smartest guy in the
room takes effort,
you know!
Nicholas Roy
Maddie Regner
Sierra Melanson
Uncle Andy’s Digest
40
May 2016
...with
Jimbo
783-7039
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and one shirt I wear every day.

My dog acts like her entire family was killed by a vacuum cleaner.
Soak up the Sunshine at
Heidi’s!
Come enjoy a great meal on our Patio
Out ’n About at the
Lewiston HS Cheer
Banquet
OPEN on Mother’s Day
10am to 8pm
Heidi’s gift cards make a great
Mother’s Day present!
HOURS: Mon-Sat 7am-9pm; Sun 10am-8pm
600 Turner Street, Auburn • 784-3434 • www.heidisauburn.com
Check out our 2nd location at 415 Philbrook Ave., So. Portland
Jazmine Fournier
Out ’n About at the NinthTone Voice Studio Recital
Amber Smith
The Gelinas Family: Stephanie, Myolene, Nahomie Dunphy & Jerry
with Rebeckah Leonard (studio owner, 2nd from left)
Nowadays, most of the children dream about an IPhone, when I was a child
– I wanted a dog.
Shelby Rucker
NEW PROJECT IN YOUR FUTURE?
We Specialize in New Construction & Remodels
Commercial • Residential
Gauthier Plumbing
& Heating
Licensed & Insured
207-212-2501 or 207-754-6351 • gauthierplmg.htgllc@yahoo.com
Tim to Jimbo: You mean these doors open automatically for everyone, not just me?
Uncle Andy’s Digest
...with
Jimbo
May 2016 UncleAndys.com 41

Good
Impression
Submitted by Thomas Hill
A young executive was
leaving the office of a
major corporation late
one evening when he
found the CEO himself
standing in front of a
shredder with a piece
of paper in his hand.
Eager to make a good
impression, the young
exec introduced himself
and asked if he
could be of any help.
"Why yes," said the
CEO, holding up the
piece of paper. "This is
a very sensitive and
important document,
and my secretary has
gone for the night. Can
you make this thing
work?"
"Certainly," said the
young executive,
happy for a chance to
help the boss.
The young man turned
the machine on, inserted
the paper, and
pressed the start button.
It's nice having dogs that continuously warn me about the nothing outside.
Are You Tough Enough?
3rd Annual Obstacle Course
and MUD Run
June 4th • 9:00am – 2:00pm
at Geiger Elementary School
601 College Street, Lewiston
Rain or Shine!
COME ONE, COME ALL
$
8pp when you register by May 28th or $ 10pp the day of the event.
ALL youth finishers will receive a Tough Gator T-shirt!
More info at toughgatorchallenge.com or
write to info@toughgatorchallenge.com
"Excellent, excellent!"
said the CEO as his
paper disappeared inside
the machine. "I'll
need two copies."
Q: Why do some
sausages have meat at
one end and corn meal
at the other?
Tough Gators AFTER the MUD!
A: Because sometimes
it is hard to make both
ends meat.
Tough Gators makes a SPLASH!
Photos by Cindy Lemieux
Uncle Andy’s Digest
42
May 2016
...with
Jimbo
783-7039
Do it tomorrow. You have made enough mistakes for today.

Let Mac’s Cater Your
Next Event!
Don’t forget
to get your
grilling meats
at Mac’s!
Every Monday
20% off Burgers
& 30% off all
drafts!
Come Watch
Your Favorite
Baseball Team
We have 11 T.V.’s in our 1,300 sq. ft bar area!
Not a bad seat in the house!
Mark Your Calendar...
Join us August 13th
Put me
in Coach!
Wishing
all the Moms a
very Happy Mother’s
Day!
Mac’s Grill • 1052 Minot Avenue, Auburn • 783-6885 • macsgrill.com

Out ’n About at the
16th Annual Celebrity
Waiter Dinner
A fundraiser for Sexual Assault
Prevention & Response Services
How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
TUXEDO HEADQUARTERS
Sizzlin' Suzzin
S&J Tuxedo
located INSIDE Sarah Jeanne’s
77 Sabattus Street, Lewiston
207-795-6778
Sarah Jeanne’s • 77 Sabattus St, Lewiston • Family Hair Care, Day Spa & Tanning • Suit & Tuxedo Sales & Rental
www.sarahjeanneslewiston.net
With proper diet, rest, and exercise a healthy body will last a lifetime.
Steve Cornish
Magical DJ Productions
Wow!
What a generous
crowd!!
I have the
best family in
the world!
Uncle Andy’s Digest
44
Tina & Ron
Nadeau
May 2016
...with
Jimbo
783-7039
Rotisserie: a Ferris wheel for chickens.
Blackie
Labbe
Owner of Blackie’s Farm Fresh Produce
celebrates his 86th birthday with family.

For Sale: Wedding dress, size 12, worn once by mistake.
May Hours: Wed. - Sat 4p to 1am
Live Music in MAY
Fri. 5/6 - Ragged Jack
Sat. 5/14 - Tina Kelly
Band
Sat. 5-21 - Strong Hold
Sat. 5/28 - Benefit Jam
4Play & 80’s Band Hazard
DJ with Karaoke
EVERY Thursday & Friday
60¢ wings every Wednesday
128 Lewiston St., Mechanic Falls • 345-7040
Out ’n About at
Blackie Labbe’s
86th Birthday Party
Happy Birthday,
Pépére!
Blackie & his grandson,
Blaine Martin
The other night I laid in bed looking up at the stars and I thought to myself,
"Where the heck is the roof?"
1940 ~ 2015
• Restaurant
• Mini Golf Course
• Driving Range
• Ice Cream Stand
Hannah Labbe &
Olivia Randall
Spoken by a
Los Angeles radio DJ
shortly after the 1990
earthquake:
Treat MOM to a family FUN day
this Mother’s Day!
470 Lake Shore Drive, Auburn • tabersgolf.com
Spring Hours
Miniature Golf &
Driving Range
Open Daily 10am - 8pm
(weather permitting)
Restaurant & Ice Cream Stand
Open 11am-8pm
Birds are grouchy in the morning because their bills are over dew.
The telephone company
is urging people
to please not use the
telephone unless it is
absolutely necessary in
order to keep the lines
open for emergency
personnel. We will be
right back after this
break to give away a
pair of Phil Collins tickets
to caller number
95.
Submitted by
Richard Collins

Sweater
Party
Submitted by Jimbo
Although we had recently
moved into a
new neighborhood,
our young son had already
made many new
friends, ten of whom
were invited to his
birthday party. When
the happy day arrived
and he opened his
presents, I was
amazed to see that
eight guests had presented
him with
sweaters.
Later I visited the
mother of one of the
boys to explain about
the multiplicity of
sweaters in the hope
that an exchange
might be arranged.
She said coolly, "Well,
after all, you were the
one who wrote on the
invitation what you
wanted me to buy."
For a few minutes I
was stunned into silence;
then I realized
what had happened.
Since the party was
being held in our basement,
which is always
cool, I had written on
each invitation:
"Please have your
child bring a sweater."
Did you know? An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain.
Rolly’s Diner
Just good cookin’ and plenty of it!
Breakfast & Lunch
Specials Daily
4 Generations:
Rolly, Sadie, Avery, & Ken
Stop by my
Diner & Say
“Hi”
The only thing common between a stork and an obstetrician is the long bill.
Suicide & Mental Health
Awareness Walk
Saturday, May 7th • 10am - 1pm
Poland High School Track, 1457 Maine Street, Poland
Hey, my name is Robbie Cleaves, I’m a senior at Poland Regional High
School and this is for my senior celebration (a requirement to graduate).
I am hosting a suicide and mental health awareness walk on May 7th at
the Poland High School Track. Opening ceremony is at 10:00am. The
event ends at 1:00pm. A limited supply of T-shirts will be sold for
$10 the day of the event. Sign up online between now and May
1st or the day of (online registrants will be charged a small
convenience fee). Cash or check sign-ups can be submitted
to the main office. $10 to sign up.
Make checks payable to PRHS.
• Unusual Omelettes
• Crepes
• Breakfast All Day
• Extensive Menu
87 Mill St.
New Auburn
753-0171
(for take-out)
Mon – Sat 5 am – 2 pm
Sunday 7 am – noon
Sign
up at:
FMI contact Robbie Cleaves 207-402-1397
or rcleavesprhs@gmail.com
Uncle Andy’s Digest
46
May 2016
...with
Jimbo
783-7039
The Guinness Book of Records holds the record for being the book most often stolen
from Public Libraries.

Celery has negative calories. It takes more calories to eat a piece of celery than
the celery has in it to begin with.
Giving Back to our Community
Proud sponsor of “Cleaning fora Reason”
Early Childhood
Reading Program
Takes Off
• Office Cleaning
• House Cleaning
• Janitorial Services
• Customized Cleaning
FREE Estimates • Reasonable Rates
Call Chrissy TODAY!
Locally Owned & Operated • Satisfaction Guaranteed
• Floor Services
chrissysdownhomecleaning@gmail.com
I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once!
I wonder if Grampy
is looking for a sharp
young sales guy...
AUTO, HOME & RECREATION VEHICLES
Delivering on the Promise!
207-783-2246
150 East Ave, Lewiston
Stephen Nagy
www.maineinsuranceonline.com
Hit snooze until the panic sets in.
Call us
for a
FREE
quote
Today!
Caden Shaw
reads the Digest from
cover to cover.
Your LOCAL Source for Janitorial
Cleaning & Maintenance Supplies
No Minimum Purchases!
Next Day Delivery in L/A
120 Mill St., Auburn • 1-800-439-WIPE • GoodmanWiper.com
US.
FOODS
KEEPING KITCHENS COOKING
Nel Morin, Territory Manager
207.740.3398
USFoods.com
lionel.morin@usfoods.com
Love You
Mom Desrosiers
Love You
Mom Morin
Although we cannot see you...
You are in our hearts daily.
Linda & Nel
I wasn't originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.
Uncle Andy’s Digest
...with
Jimbo
May 2016 UncleAndys.com 47

The Birds
& The Bees
Submitted by Jimbo
It was 6 p.m., and I
was about to leave the
coin laundry where I
was employed. My
boss called me over
and asked if I would
mind dropping off
someone's laundry on
my way home.
"It's for my cousin,"
she apologized, "who's
eight months pregnant
and can't get out much
anymore." I cheerfully
agreed and, driving to
the address, knocked
at the door. A little girl,
the sister-to-be, answered.
"Hi, there," I said with
a big smile. "Is your
mommy home?" Holding
up the blue bundle
of clothes, I explained,
"I have a delivery for
her."
The child's mouth
dropped, and her eyes
went wide.
"Mom!" she shrieked.
"Come quick! It's the
stork!"
A friend of mine found out he has the bird flu. He thinks he was a victim of fowl plague.
Maine Chapter of the International Association
of Arson Investigators
8th Annual Pierre “Pete” J. Simard
Benefit Golf Tournament
Sponsored by:
Tuesday June 14, 2016
8:30 tee time / shotgun start
Poland Spring Country Club • Rte. 26 Poland Spring
Sponsors
We are looking for hole sponsors and donations.
We ask for your consideration in supporting this great cause.
Benefits
Maine Chapter of the International Association of Arson Investigators
Annual Joseph C. Menezes Scholarship Program
Assisting individuals continuing education in Fire Service
Paramedic/EMT Service • Law Enforcement
• Fee: $65.00/pp / $260.00 per team of 4
• Includes: Round of 18 holes with cart
• Morning registration includes coffee & snack
• Beverage cart will be provided on course
• 50/50 Raffle, Mulligans, Contests
• Awards & Prizes will be presented during a
post match buffet banquet.
FMI Contact
Steve Simard at 207-754-1815 or
ssimard77659@roadrunner.com
Gary Simard at
g157simard@roadrunner.com or
Uncle Andy’s Digest
48
May 2016
...with
Jimbo
783-7039
I knew a guy who collected candy canes, they were all in mint condition.

I knew I had to pay the mobster the money I owed him. It was a matter of life or debt.
Out ’n About at the
16th Annual Celebrity
Waiter Dinner
A fundraiser for Sexual Assault
Prevention & Response Services
TEXAS HOLD’EM Tournament!
Saturday, May 21st • Noon–5pm Doors open at 11am
Your Event... HERE!
Weddings • Graduations • Reunions • Birthday Parties
Only Post painted by Scott LoBaido in Maine!
Dee Chapman
All About U
American Legion Post 31
426 Washington St. N. Auburn • 207-783-6992 • LegionPost31.com
The famous SOS Breakfast First Sun. of the month 7:30 - 10am
Cooked to order. PUBLIC Welcome! Only $ 5
Maine’s Premier Indoor Shooting Range
Jonathan LaBonte
Auburn Mayor
Top Gun 207-998-2806
Gift Card
Now offering
Rechargeable
Gift Cards!
481 Maine St, Poland Spring
207-998-2806 • TopGunofMaine.com
Polandspringtradingpost@hotmail.com
Twice in one month
is twice as nice!
Kristen Cloutier
How do they figure out the price of hammers? Per pound.
Uncle Andy’s Digest
...with
Jimbo
May 2016 UncleAndys.com 49

Be Polite
Submitted by Jimbo
I was coming back
from visiting my son in
Miami and I stopped at
a rest stop to use the
bathroom.
I just sat down on the
toilet when I heard a
voice coming from the
stall next to mine,
“Hey! How’s it going?”
Although I was quite
surprised, and I wasn’t
in the habit of conversing
to the people next
to me in the stall, I nevertheless
answered
him, “I’m fine” I said
“thanks for asking.”
“What are you doing?”
Asked the same voice.
To be honest I was a
bit taken back by the
brazenness of this
fellow, but I would
never ignore anyone
so I calmly answered,
“I’m relieving myself.”
Then I heard the same
voice again, “I’m going
to have to call you
back, some smartaleck
is answering all
of my questions.”
My wife has a cold. This morning she woke up and had her morning coughy.
Interviews with Locals
Hear folks you
know every
weekday...
The Kind of
Music L/A Likes
Playing The Hits From Today’s Artists Like...
Twenty One Pilots
Rachel Platten
Adele
Shawn Mendes
Mariah Carey
Journey
Dave Matthews
Don Henley
Justin Bieber
Selena Gomez
Ellie Goulding
Cold Play
...and those from the past
Genesis
Michael Jackson
John Mellencamp
Madonna
James Bay
Taylor Swift
Charlie Puth
Police
Rod Stewart
TLC
Uncle Andy’s Digest
50
Cat-decatinated
Coffee
May 2016
...with
Jimbo
783-7039
Matty B. Greg Michaels Dave Dean Gene Cassidy
Photo Credit: Haines Photography
4 Ways to Listen
Around L/A at 105.5-FM
& 1240-AM
Online at
www.z1055.com &
Tune-In App
555 Center St., Auburn • Tel: 784-5868 • Email: GleasonMedia@gmail.com
Using fish for currency can achieve an economy of scale.

Did You Know? The original name for a butterfly was flutterby.
Check Mate
Submitted by Jimbo
We were celebrating
the 100th anniversary
of our church, and several
former pastors and
the bishop were in attendance.
At one point,
our minister had the
children gather at the
altar for a talk about
the importance of the
day. He began by asking,
"Does anyone
know what the bishop
does?"
There was silence.
Finally, one little boy
answered gravely,
"He's the one you can
move diagonally."
Liz: I get so nervous
and frightened during
driving tests!
Doctor: Don’t worry
about it. You’ll pass
eventually.
Liz: I’m the examiner!
Patient: Doctor, if I give
up wine, women, and
song, will I live longer?
Doctor: Not really. It
will just seem longer.
A Hairy Situation
Out ’n About at the 16th Annual Celebrity Waiter Dinner
Leah Cross, All About You,
Lisa Olmstead & Kim Galgovitch, Allure
Nate Hurd, Dee Chapman,
Leah Cross & Officer Joe Philippon
Officer Patrick Griffin
deputizes some help to control the unruly crowd
What do you call keys born on the same day?
Twinkies!
Uncle Andy’s Digest
...with
Jimbo
May 2016 UncleAndys.com 51

Born
Salesman
Submitted by Jimbo
The man's pants zipper broke, but he fixed it on the fly.
I learned a lesson in
marketing from a man
who bought an old
boat, a trailer, and a
motor from me.
"Thanks," he said as
he loaded them up.
"I'm planning to resell
them."
Good luck, I thought. I
had been trying to get
rid of them for months.
But when I ran into him
a few weeks later, he'd
sold everything.
"How did you manage
that?" I marveled.
"I took out an ad:
'Heavy-duty boat trailer
with free boat.' When
the buyer came to get
it, I asked if he had a
motor. He said no. I
told him I happened to
have one in my
garage. Bought that,
too."
Never needlessly
disturb a thing at rest.
Sticking up for
your friends
Uncle Andy’s Digest
52
May 2016
...with
Jimbo
783-7039
There was a big paddle sale at the boat store. It was quite an oar deal.

The other day I held the door open for a clown. I thought it was a nice jester.
Guard Dog
Submitted by Jimbo
Specializing in:
Boilers,
Water Softeners
& Geo Springs
A young couple lived in
a town filled with crime.
After three neighbors
had been robbed, the
couple decided to get a
guard dog.
Visiting the pet store,
the young wife asked
for a good guard dog.
Ray Hurilla Plumbing & Heating Co.
207-485-7357
RayHurillaPlumbingandHeating.com
"Sorry, we're all sold
out," the clerk replied.
"All we have left is this
little Scottie dog. But
he does know karate!"
FOUR
GENERATIONS
Mike Labbe,
Blackie Labbe,
Jackie Labbe,
Hannah Labbe
& Olivia Randall
The woman didn't believe
the clerk, so he
told the dog to karate a
chair. The dog broke
the chair into pieces.
Then he told the dog to
karate a table, and the
dog quickly broke the
table in half. So the
woman bought the dog
and took it home.
Her husband was disappointed
and skeptical
about the Scottie
dog's abilities as a
guard dog.
Brad’s Precision Auto
144 Riverside Dr., Auburn • 207-333-0364
Any Make... Any Model... Any Problem...
NO PROBLEM!
The wife told him about
the dog's excellent
karate skills.
"Karate, my butt!" the
husband yelled.
To this very day, he is
still in the hospital.
• Appointments required
• Fully warranteed & certified
• $65/hr labor rate
Brad’s mechanics:
Norah, Marek, Isaiah & Mallory
CABIN FEVER? Get your summer
ride on the road!
I try wearing tight jeans, but I can never pull them off.
Uncle Andy’s Digest
...with
Jimbo
May 2016 UncleAndys.com 53

Tickle Your
Punny Bone
with Ron Hood
Ron Hood is the Director of
Owner Services for Owner
Media Group. He’s also an
internationally renowned
PEZ collector, an amateur
weather reporter, and man
of mystery. Join the fun on
his Facebook page. Email
him at
OTDweather@gmail.com
Welcome to May...
Aaah Springtime! The
winter was difficult on
the trees, but now that is it officially spring, they will be
re-leafed. This month is a time for planting and gardening.
All good gardeners take care of their plants as
they weed'em and reap, which is truly a bed of roses.
Oddly enough, I know that some gardeners have a
fear of growing roses. It is a thorny issue, and I am not
sure where it stems from, but it seems likely they'll be
stuck with it for life.
Have a favorite florist or gardening center? They are
the garden police, providing us lawn and order because
they know the ground rules. If you are a beginning
gardener it's ok to work by trowel and error. You
can also look to your favorite florist/gardening center
to explain when it is best to propagate, which is a big
word for simply leaving your garden wide open, or they
can give you advice on choosing to use either bark or
rocks in your garden, which can be a tu-mulch-uous
decision. If you are into herb gardening, be careful
about working over-thyme and know when it's the best
time to cummin. There are many landscape magazines
that will give you good garden ideas, just leaf
through them and have fun.
If you plant a vegetable garden, always plant cabbage
first so it has a head start. It might help if you play the
organ in your garden to get organ-ically grown food,
which is very popular these days. If you live in an area
where people steal your vegetables, especially corn,
they can be arrested for stalking! The important thing
is hoe-ing your rights!
My best gardening advice for you...When you look at
your garden plans for this year, forget the past and rely
on the fuchsia!
Well, Jimbo tells me I have to end my pun article for
this month. Know that I am so glad-i-ola that I could
be here to pun with you, and as Arnold Schwarzenegger
said in Terminator 2, “Hosta La Vista, Baby's
Breath!”
Out ’n About at Blackie Labbe’s 86th Birthday Party
I was both sad and delighted when my flashlight
batteries died.
My Pépére,
my hero!
Nick Labbe, Colleen Murphy & Olivia Randall
Claudette Tainter, Jackie & Blackie Labbe
Drew Gallant, his mom & brother, Nikki & Zach
Labonne
Uncle Andy’s Digest
54
May 2016
...with
Jimbo
783-7039
If towels could tell jokes they would probably have a dry sense of humor.

A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He's almost finished.
Out ’n About at the 16th Annual Celebrity Waiter Dinner
Denis Webber & his Cage(y) Crew
It certainly was a magical night
Signs You
Need a Computer
Lesson:
Our all-stars,
Marnie & Brian
DuBois...
1) You've backed-up
your desktop by
pushing it against
the wall.
2) You've put foam
around the computer
to prevent it from
crashing.
T-Shirt Toss: Edward Little High School Athletic Director, Dan Deshaies, accepts a contribution from Marnie
and Brian DuBois of the DuBois Realty Group of Keller Williams Realty. The contribution of $1,000 in support
of ELHS Athletics was presented at the most recent EL vs. Lewiston Basketball game where the DuBois Realty
Group also provided 100 free t-shirts to encourage school spirit where cheerleaders and young student-athletes
randomly tossed them into the bleachers for those in attendance. DuBois Realty Group can be reached
by calling 207-344-3230.
It was an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
3) The soles of your
shoes are worn out
from re-booting your
computer.
4) You try to clear the
screen by shaking
the monitor up and
down.
Uncle Andy’s Digest
...with
Jimbo
May 2016 UncleAndys.com 55

Decisions
Submitted by Jimbo
Sometimes I wonder if my cat ever thinks about finding her biological siblings.
A group of junior-level
executives were participating
in a management
training program.
The seminar leader
pounded home his
point about the need
to make decisions and
take action on these
decisions.
"For instance," he
said, "if you had five
frogs on a log and
three of them decided
to jump, how many
frogs would you have
left on the log?"
The answers from the
group were unanimous:
"Two."
"Wrong," replied the
speaker, "there would
still be five because
there is a difference
between deciding to
jump and jumping."
A cat wants it the
way it wants it
Uncle Andy’s Digest
56
May 2016
...with
Jimbo
783-7039
We could be friends, but you don't seem like the type of person I could
borrow money from.

207-783-7039
(That’s not a threat.) It’s a fact.
UNCLE ANDY’S DIGEST was audited by the Certification Verification Council (CVC),
an independent, third-party reporting audit company. Who audits more than 3,700 publications
nationwide. Our audit shows:
2.5 *
80.6% *
58% *
52% *
Readers per edition.
Getting your ad up to 25,000
impressions per month.
National average:
1.75*
frequently purchase products and
services from ads seen in
Uncle Andy’s Digest
National average:
74.4%*
of our readers have an
annual household income of
$50,000 or more.
National average:
47%*
of our readers hang on to their
Digest for a month or more,
giving it coffee table status.
National average:
25%*
It’s Verified – Uncle Andy’s Digest Delivers!
*Source: Fall 2015 CVC Audit Report. Ask to see entire report.

Uncle Andy’s Digest
58
Thick!
Submitted by Thomas Hill
Two men were standing
on a street corner,
discussing the merits
of their teenage sons.
"You know," remarked
the first one, "My son is
so thick! I don't think
they teach the kids
anything useful at
school these days."
"Well," replied the
other gentleman, "He
can't be as bad as
mine!"
The discussion continued
at length, when
suddenly they saw
both of the boys
coming towards them.
"Listen," said the first
man, "I'll prove to you
that my son is thicker
than yours."
"Come here Andy!"
The son obeyed his
father and asked why
he had called him over.
"Here's $10" replied
the father," Go and buy
your mother a new
fridge from the
appliance store!"
The second parent
likewise called his son
over. "Tom," he said "
here's $50. Go home
on the bus and see if
I'm there!"
Both boys departed
together and met up
around the corner.
Andy beckoned Tom to
(continued on next page)
May 2016
...with
Jimbo
783-7039
“Better out than in,” my uncle always used to say. He was a terrible heart surgeon.
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No matter how much you push the envelope it will still be stationary.
(continued from previous page)
him and whispered in
his ear "My dad's really
stupid, Tom" he said,
"he gave me $10 to
buy my mom a new
fridge from the appliance
store, and it's
Wednesday, they close
early!"
"That's nothing!"
replied Tom, "my old
man's worse than that.
He gave me $50 to get
on the bus and go
home to see if he's
there. He could have
called home to find that
out!"
Y-NOT
QUESTION
?
The National average of
people who purchase
products and services
from a print ad is 74.4%.
Participants:
What percentage
of readers
frequently purchase
products and services
from ads seen
in Uncle Andy’s
Digest?
UncleAndys.com
“You are never too old to set another goal or to dream a new dream.” – C. S. Lewis
Uncle Andy’s Digest
...with
Jimbo
May 2016 UncleAndys.com 59

Uncle Andy’s Digest
60
Humility
Submitted by Jimbo
A colleague was invited
to hold a speech in
Japan. Aware of his
reputation as a very
good speaker, he was
surprised that his audience
did not react at all
to any of his perfectly
timed jokes and witticisms.
In fact, the audience
did not react to
anything he said.
Somewhat put down,
he went back to his
seat and a Japanese
gentleman appeared
on the stage. This man
had a terrific success!
People laughed and
applauded, and although
the original
speaker could not understand
one bit of
what was said, still he
started to applaud, as
the man evidently deserved
praise for this
perfect speech.
He was interrupted by
the chairman of the
conference, "No no, sir.
You must not applaud."
Dumbfounded, he
protested: "But why?
This man is obviously a
very good speaker."
"No sir, you must not
applaud. He is translating
your speech."
May 2016
...with
Jimbo
783-7039
Makeup tip: You're not in the circus.
STATE PRIMARY JUNE 14, 2016
Your Vote
Matters!
Experience Matters!
VOTE
LESLIE
DUBOIS
Register of Probate
At what age is it appropriate to tell my dog that he's adopted?
Leslie T. Dubois
Paid for and authorized by Leslie T. Dubois, 588 Main St. Lewiston: Treasurer Joseph Defilipp
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I had my driver's test the other day. I got 8 out of 10. The other 2 guys jumped clear.
14 Great Falls Plaza, Auburn
(207) 784-4433
Getting Older
Submitted by Jimbo
Amy and Jamie are old
friends. They have
both been married to
their husbands for a
long time.
Now 6 Ice Cold
Beers on Tap!
GREAT LUNCH SPECIALS
11:30 - 1:30 • starting at $ 8
DINNER HOURS
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One day Amy was
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thought her husband
didn't find her attractive
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"As I get older he
doesn't bother to look
at me!" Amy cried.
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Since 1914
The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail instead of his tongue.
"I'm so sorry for you,
as I get older my husband
says I get more
beautiful every day."
replied Jamie.
"Yes," answered Amy,
"but your husband's an
antique dealer!"
Expert
Testimony
Submitted by Jimbo
Arthur C. Clarke, who
wrote the science fiction
novel 2001: A
Space Odyssey, was
also a scientist.
He received a telegram
from newspaper
publisher William
Randolph Hearst demanding,
"Is there life
on Mars? Cable one
thousand words."
Clarke wired back:
"Nobody knows.
Repeat five hundred
times."
Uncle Andy’s Digest
...with
Jimbo
May 2016 UncleAndys.com 61

Hit and Run
Submitted by Jimbo
I work to buy a car to go to work.
The hit-and-run victim
was just getting to his
feet when a policeman
ran up to help.
"My mother-in-law just
tried to run me over!"
the shaken man told
the cop.
"The car hit you from
behind," the officer
said. "How could you
tell it was your motherin-law?"
Uncle Andy's Digest
is the only print media that has provided us
with direct results from our marketing campaigns. We
received direct response the very first month of advertising in the
Digest and continue to have customers come in every month from
our ads in Uncle Andy’s. This is the only print media that has produced
this type of results for my business and now I am
advertising three of my businesses in the Digest!
Take it from me - IT WORKS!!
"I recognized the
laugh!" he replied.
Daytime
Television
Submitted by Jimbo
A newspaper reporter
was writing a feature
story about prison life
and was interviewing
one of the prisoners.
"Do you watch much
television here?"
"Only the daytime
shows," the inmate
said. "At night we're
locked in our cells
and don't see any
television."
"That's too bad," the
reporter said, "But I do
think it is nice that the
warden lets you watch
it in the daytime."
"What do you mean,
nice?" the inmate said.
"That's part of the
punishment."
Uncle Andy’s Digest
62
May 2016
...with
Jimbo
783-7039
Debra Ann Sellinger,
Owner of Saintman Wellness Center
Located at 1967 Lisbon Road, Lewiston. See her ad on page 2.
Which day do chickens hate the most?
Fry-day.

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Lewiston • 782-1482
794 Sabattus St.
Lewiston • 783-6353
1420 Lisbon St.
Lewiston • 333-3095
545 Minto Ave.
Auburn • 783-2047
303-311 Main St.
Auburn • 783-9098

REOPENING
IN MAY!
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