Post For MS

Hey Michael Showalter,
No one ever thinks a comic legend like Carol Burnett would be assassinated, but ask
yourself this. How well do you really know her?
Anyway, I was really excited that you created a film around Sallie Field so I thought
you might be into “The Assassination of Carol Burnett.”
Through a series of unusual events, a startstruck obituary writer becomes
convinced that Carol Burnett’s life is in danger. She rushes to the rescue but there’s
only one problem. Carol wants nothing to do with her.
In the film, Carol will play herself. I suppose we could get Vicki Lawrence, but my
fingers are crossed to Carol. Her manager read the script and liked it, but Carol only
reads things that are funded already. I get it.
An excerpt of the script follows. I would have posted the whole thing, but Twitter is
so public. I can email the full script if you want to know more. But even if you have
any suggestions or people you can refer me to, I would totally appreciate it. I
promise to see every Sallie Field movie you make from here on out.
All the best,
Craig Love
Craiglove1@me.com
718-­‐781-­‐6958

THE ASSASSINATION OF CAROL BURNETT
(an excerpt)
Written by
Craig Love
376 President St. #4L
Brooklyn, BY 11231
718-781-6958
Copyright ©2014 by Craig Love

2.
FADE IN:
NEWSPAPER OBITUARIES - MONTAGE/TITLE SEQUENCE
The camera drifts over close-ups of various obituaries. In
sharp contrast to the somber visuals, we hear upbeat, plucky
music and the voice of a woman we will later meet as JEANNIE
FRANK.
Titles end.
JEANNIE (V.O)
I write obituaries for people who
haven't died yet. Famous people,
mostly. Models, singers, actors who
played the neighbor on some crappy
sitcom. I give their lives context
and show how they left the world
different from the way they found
it. Even though technically they
haven't actually left it yet. I
know that sounds weird, but in the
newspaper business we don't have
time to mourn. When someone dies,
we have to go to print right away.
And it's not like writing a review.
Nobody gets a bad obituary. When
you die, everyone loves you again.
I guess that’s why I’m so
comfortable with death. It’s living
I suck at.
DISSOLVE TO:
EXT. FILM SET, NEW YORK -- MORNING
JEANNIE FRANK, an underdog in her early 30s who’s obsessed
with celebrity and fame, walks past a film set. She cranes
her neck over the onlookers, pretends to be unimpressed and
moves on.
She walks past a second time and tries to attract attention
and get “discovered.” She stops, lowers her glasses, laughs
for no reason and kicks back one leg like a teen model. No
one notices.
She passes a third time now tap dancing. Still no one
notices. She starts belting out a Broadway show tune. A CREW
MEMBER with a headset interrupts the racket she’s making.

3.
CREW MEMBER
Excuse me, miss? The director was
noticing you pass by and well he
was wondering if maybe you might
consider...
JEANNIE
(with hopes building)
Yes?
CREW MEMBER
...shutting your face, so we can
get some work done.
JEANNIE
Ok, but you said he noticed me?
CREW MEMBER
This is a quiet set.
JEANNIE
Did he say anything about my low
hairline? Because I can totally get
electrolysis. I read all the big
studios used to do that kind of
thing.
Jeannie’s cell phone rings. She digs through her giant tote.
JEANNIE (CONT’D)
Sorry, I have to get this. I’m at
the top of the list for an organ
transplant.
CREW MEMBER
Yeah? I hope your new head has a
better hairline.
JEANNIE
(into phone)
Dr. Weinstock? Did you find me a
cornea? Oh. I see.
Jeannie walks into the crowd of onlookers.
JEANNIE (CONT’D)
Yes, yes I did call you because I
wanted to say, that well, it
doesn’t matter what color eye gets
donated...
The crew member approaches and shushes Jeannie. She turns
sharply and covers her other ear.

4.
JEANNIE (CONT’D)
...I have blue eyes, but if you get
a brown one in, I still want it.
The carpet does not have to match
the drapes.
The crew member begins chasing after Jeannie. She dodges him
and continues her phone call throughout.
JEANNIE (CONT’D)
And obviously, I’m an equal
opportunity transplant recipient.
So if you get like an inner city
cornea, I’ll welcome it into my
home. And I won’t assume it just
wants to look at basketball all the
time.
CREW MEMBER
Ma’am? Last warning. Hang up or--
The crew member persists. Jeannie picks things up to throw at
him. A street vendor is nearby. She grabs his tongs and
starts flinging hot dogs.
JEANNIE
And, hey, if getting a minority
cornea means my future kids would
be eligible for scholarships, then
great. That’s gravy.
The crew member finally catches Jeannie by her hair and yanks
her awkwardly off set. Jeannie continues her call.
JEANNIE (CONT’D)
Un, huh, yes I’m pre-approved from
the insurance people and I will
keep this line open. Just call me
when you have a shiny, new cornea!
Jeannie hangs up, but the crew member doesn’t let go of her
hair.
JEANNIE (CONT’D)
Look, I hung up. Please let me
stay?
CREW MEMBER
You threw hot dogs at my face.
JEANNIE
I’m sorry. Are you a vegetarian?

5.
INT. CAROL BURNETT’S TRAILER, SAME FILM SET -- MOMENTS LATER
It’s sterile, uncomfortable, the opposite of glamour. A MAKE-
UP ARTIST, puts the finishing touches on CAROL BURNETT. Her
back is to the camera.
MAKE-UP ARTIST
Ladies and gentlemen, please put
your hands together for Ms. Carol
Burnett.
Carol spins around in the chair and looks in the mirror.
CAROL BURNETT
Hi, I’m Carol Burnett and if you
think I look good for my age, just
wait until you see my colon.
Carol stops, breaks her on-camera smile and gets real. She
turns and sneers at her agent, JOSH, a smarmy Canadian who’ll
take 10% of anything he can get.
CAROL BURNETT (CONT’D)
No. I can’t do this I’m sorry.
JOSH THE AGENT
What? I thought that was great.
CAROL BURNETT
I do comedy. Ok? America did NOT
tune in every week for eleven years
to watch my healthy rectum.
JOSH THE AGENT
Now, you don’t know that.
CAROL BURNETT
This is humiliating. Someone like
me as the spokesperson for spastic
colons. I won’t do it.
JOSH THE AGENT
Think how Vicki Lawrence feels.
They’re using her colon as your
stand-in.
Outside the dressing room, VICKI LAWRENCE, prepped for a
colonoscopy is wheeled down the hall on a gurney.
CAROL BURNETT
(watching Vicki pass by)
She really does look like me.

6.
JOSH THE AGENT
It’s eerie.
(hands Carol a script)
Here’s your script for the
commercial.
Carol is defiant. Without even looking at the script, she
tries to rip it in half, but it’s too thick. She hands it to
the make-up man.
Rip this!
CAROL BURNETT
JOSH THE AGENT
Go ahead Carol, but you signed a
contract.
CAROL BURNETT
Then I’ll get them to fire me.
JOSH THE AGENT
It’ll never happen.
CAROL BURNETT
(acting drunk like Miss
Hannigan from Annie.)
What if I go on set totally drunk?
(doing a crazy accent and
contorting her face)
Or I’m mentally unstable.
(throws a phone a PA)
Or physically abusive to crew?
(then kisses him)
And then sexually harass them?
As Josh responds, Carol runs around trying to trash her
dressing room, but she’s no Ozzy Osbourne. She rips the cover
off of a magazine, throws pillows and opens a bottle of Evian
to pour on the rug.
JOSH THE AGENT
Listen, save yourself the trouble.
You think I never worked with
difficult actresses back in Canada?
I’ve been bitten, spat on, had a
wisdom tooth smacked right out of
my head. I had to go to Thailand
three times to have my right nipple
reattached and it still doesn’t get
hard when I open the freezer door.
(MORE)

7.
JOSH THE AGENT (CONT'D)
One time an actress even sent me a
Christmas Card letting me know a
donation had been made in my name.
CAROL BURNETT
What’s wrong with that?
JOSH THE AGENT
It was my kidney she donated.
So this diva act isn’t gonna work.
I don’t care if you slather
yourself in low-fat mayonnaise and
bite the head off a pigeon, you’re
gonna get your million dollar colon
on that set right now or I’m gonna
take my ten percent of it now.
CAROL BURNETT
Do you have any idea who you’re
talking to?
JOSH THE AGENT
Yeah, the lady who cashed the
check.
INT. THE OFFICES OF THE NEW YORK BUGLE -- LATER THAT MORNING
Jeannie is sneaking in late. She rushes past frenzied
newspaper staff and into her office which is covered in movie
posters and memorabilia. She bumps into her editor, MR.
ESSMAN, late-50s, hard nosed with an outer boroughs accent.
MR. ESSMAN
Thanks for joining us, Jeannie. And
it’s only 11:00 am.
JEANNIE
I’m sorry. I wasn’t myself today.
(whispers)
It’s my lady time.
MR. ESSMAN
Stop. Stop. Don’t tell me this.
JEANNIE
It’s worse than that time at my
ballet recital when I had to
perform the Nutcracker with a
hooded sweatshirt tied around my
waist.
MR. ESSMAN
I said stop.

8.
JEANNIE
Or when I was 13 and my cousin
Renee made me think I was giving
birth to Carrie’s prom dress.
Mr. Essman shoves a box stuffed with papers and VHS tapes
into Jeannie’s arms.
MR. ESSMAN
Enough! Here.
JEANNIE
What’s this?
MR. ESSMAN
Archive sent it up. It’s everything
we’ve got on Carol Burnett.
JEANNIE
Is she dying?
MR. ESSMAN
Practically. She’s getting a
Lifetime Achievement Award on
Friday.
JEANNE
That’s always a bad sign.
MR. ESSMAN
Her obit should have been filed a
long time ago.
JEANNIE
I know. I know. I was doing an obit
for the guy who played Gilligan.
MR. ESSMAN
He died already Jeannie.
JEANNIE
Are you sure?
MR. ESSMAN
Years ago.
JEANNIE
Wow. Can I take a personal day?
MR. ESSMAN
You need a personal day because Bob
Denver died?..in 2005?

9.
JEANNIE
Bob Denver? The singer?
MR. ESSMAN
That’s John Denver.
JEANNIE
(relieved)
Thank god. I love him.
MR. ESSMAN
He’s dead too.
JEANNIE
What? Are you sure?
MR. ESSMAN
In the 90’s.
JEANNIE
Let me check on that.
MR. ESSMAN
Maybe I can save you the trouble.
(beat) Yep, he’s dead.
JEANNIE
That’s why you’re the boss.
MR. ESSMAN
(pointing at the Carol Burnett box)
On my desk tomorrow.
Jeannie sits down at her desk and digs through the box.
JEANNIE
Imagine! A Lifetime Achievement
Award!
INT. FILM SET, NEW YORK - SAME DAY
The set is an exact replica of a mensroom. It’s buzzing with
crew activity. Carol and Josh, her agent, wait among the
cameras, lights, and wire. Carol looks around.
Urinals?
CAROL BURNETT
JOSH THE AGENT
The director’s big on authenticity.
CAROL BURNETT
But why would I be in men’s room?

10.
JOSH THE AGENT
They built the set before the
original talent dropped out.
CAROL BURNETT
So I’m actually second runner up to
the spokesperson of spastic colons?
Great. Well, that explains why my
welcome basket had a coupon for a
free lap dance at someplace called
“That’s What She Spread.”
Carol steps into position and looks down into one of the
urinals. She’s horrified.
CAROL BURNETT (CONT’D)
Oh my god! This one has a cigarette
butt in it!
INT. OFFICES OF THE NEW YORK BUGLE -- SAME DAY
BEN JAMES, mid-30s, a serious investigative journalist with
amazing hair is busy doing important-looking stuff. He argues
with CHUCK, his eager assistant. Jeannie passes by, then
stops to eavesdrop.
BEN
I haven’t slept in three nights.
CHUCK
This stakeout has gotten out of
hand. You can’t keep this up.
BEN
But I’m this close. All I need is
proof.
Ben sees Jeannie listening in.
BEN (CONT’D)
What do you want, Jeannie?
JEANNIE
Workin’ on a big scoop?
CHUCK
That’s classified.
JEANNIE
Hey, I work here. Part time.
BEN
This is my new assistant, Chuck.

11.
JEANNIE
Wait you hired someone? Didn’t you
get my resume?
BEN
It was just a headshot.
JEANNIE
An autographed headshot.
BEN
The job requires certain skills.
JEANNIE
But I’ve got skills. I can do that
thing when a lady executive answers
the phone, but first you take off
your earring. You know how they do
it on TV movies. (Jeannie
demonstrates.)
BEN
Yeah, you showed me in the
interview.
JEANNIE
Oh, come on. I’ve always wanted to
crack a big story.
BEN
Jeannie, people’s lives are at
stake here. Besides, they need you
filing obits. Remember what
happened last time you weren’t
focused.
JEANNE
I’m still on probation for calling
Dana Carvey the man of a thousand
feces.
(suddenly conspiratorial)
Wait. Nepotism. Now, I get it.
(to Chuck)
What’s your last name?
Nugent.
CHUCK
JEANNIE
Like Ralph Nugent?
BEN
Who’s that?

12.
JEANNIE
Oh just guy who restocks the
vending machine! He’s your father,
isn’t he?
BEN
Jeannie, why don’t you let us get
to work?
Ben gently pushes Jeannie out of his office. Jeannie yells to
Chuck over Ben’s shoulder.
JEANNIE
Who did you sleep with, whore?
A stuffy exec passes as Jeannie pounds on the door which Ben
has closed.
JEANNIE (CONT’D)
(whispers to exec)
They’re downloading porn in there.
INT. CAROL BURNETT’S DRESSING ROOM -- LATER THAT DAY
Carol and Josh, her agent, enter. Filming has wrapped and
Carol begins changing behind a screen.
Josh finds a note on the catering table. It says “FINAL
WARNING. THE MONEY, OR ELSE I RELEASE THE FILM” It’s spelled
out in letters cut from magazines like a ransom note.
JOSH THE AGENT
Jeez Burnett, who’d you piss off?
CAROL BURNETT
(tossing aside clothes)
The universe, apparently.
JOSH THE AGENT
Well, the universe sent you a note.
What?
CAROL BURNETT
Carol looks over the screen. She throws on her robe and
rushes to grab the note.
JOSH
Wow. What did you do?
Nothing!
CAROL BURNETT

13.
JOSH
That’s a lot of cutting and pasting
for nothing. What’s this film
they’re talking about?
CAROL BURNETT
This kind of thing happens to
celebrities all the time. I have to
get out of here.
Carol disguises herself with sunglasses and wraps a large
shawl over her head and shoulders. She exits the trailer.
Josh follows. They make their way through the location where
the crew are still working.
JOSH
(plotting as agents do)
Threatening letters? This could be
just the PR break we’re looking
for. We just need something
splashier, like a note with a
severed finger attached. Or a dead
sparrow crawling in maggots.
Something big to cry about on Larry
King. You’d be famous.
CAROL BURNETT
I am famous!
JOSH THE AGENT
No, but I mean like A-list.
CAROL BURNETT
Well, if I get a maggoty sparrow
don’t throw it out, okay? I want to
set it on the mantle next to my
eight Emmys!
JOSH
Maybe you should call the cops.
CAROL BURNETT
(nervously)
I wish I could.
JOSH
Look all I’m saying is that you
could use a little press, so why
not...
Josh turns to where Carol was just standing, but she has
suddenly vanished. He looks around, no Carol.

14.
He looks down and sees an open manhole where Carol was just
standing a moment ago. Josh looks down into the manhole.
JOSH (CONT’D)
That’s not good.
INT. THE OFFICES OF THE NEW YORK BUGLE -- SAME DAY
Jeannie passes Ben’s office. She notices the mood is tense.
Ben is raising his voice to Chuck.
JEANNIE
Guys, I’ve been rewatching “All the
President’s Men” and I think I can
help you break this story.
BEN
It’s not a good time, Jeannie.
JEANNIE
Please? How can I help?
CHUCK
Slip into a coma.
JEANNIE
I won’t get in the way. Just
pretend I’m not here.
CHUCK
We already are. It’s not working.
Chuck leaves in a huff.
JEANNIE
That guy does not like me. I’m very
sensitive to this type of thing. I
might be borderline psychic.
BEN
Since when are you interested in
hard news? It’s not like the
entertainment beat, you know.
JEANNIE
All day I write obits for people
who did really huge things. I wanna
do something important too.
BEN
Like be a nurse.

15.
JEANNIE
Like win a Cable Ace Award or have
a thigh gap.
BEN
You can’t worry about your obit,
Jeannie. You’ll be dead.
JEANNIE
Easy for you to say. You’ve done
really big stuff.
BEN
You have too...probably.
JEANNIE
I worked on Broadway once. As an
usher. But we got nominated for a
Tony!
BEN
There you go.
JEANNIE
So that’s my obit? Jeannie Frank is
survived by her ferrets, who she
leaves her gently used Playbill
collection.
Jeannie heads out of Ben’s office. She notices a group of
employees gathered around a TV. A news anchor is talking
about Carol Burnett. Jeannie watches with one hand over her
bad eye, while straining to focus the other one.
Cut to the TV footage
ANCHOR
Some tense moments today for
actress Carol Burnett. The 82-yearold
comedienne who’s in town to
accept a Lifetime Achievement Award
was leaving a film set when she
fell through a manhole cover.
We see footage of Carol being hoisted from the manhole by
rescue workers.
ANCHOR (CONT’D)
Rescue workers pulled the comic
legend to safety. However, city
officials could not explain how the
manhole cover came loose. Now over
to Flame Stewart for a look at
weather. Flame?

16.
FLAME
Wow, a lifetime achievement award.
I hope that doesn’t mean she’s
dying.
ANCHOR
It’s usually a bad sign.
Mr. Essman passes the group watching TV. He sees Jeannie.
MR. ESSMAN
Looks like a pretty close call.
JEANNIE
She’s one tough lady.
MR. ESSMAN
Get me her obit. Today.
INT. JEANNIE’S DESK AT THE NEW YORK BUGLE -- THAT NIGHT
Working late, Jeannie screens footage from Carol’s career.
Famous sketches, as Miss Hannigan in Annie, etc. She watches
with admiration. Eventually, she shuts off the light and
leaves.
INT. SUBWAY STATION -- NIGHT
Jeannie is on her way home. She enters the subway and boards
the train. A HOMELESS MAN wearing a FedEx mailer on his head
stares at her. She tries to ignore him by reading a magazine.
HOMELESS MAN
Stop staring!
JEANNIE
What? I wasn’t.
He comes closer. Jeannie covers her nose. Passengers move to
the other side of the train for fresher air. The homeless man
opens his hand to reveal an eye tattooed on his palm.
HOMELESS MAN
I see all. Just by shaking a man’s
hand.
JEANNIE
Please don’t assault me. Look,
here’s a dollar. I know it’s
Canadian, but you can exchange it
somewhere for maple syrup or a
button--

17.
The homeless man walks away. Now Jeannie is intrigued so she
follows. To mask the smell, Jeannie takes two sticks of gum
from her purse, chews them, then stuffs the ends of the mintscented
foil into her nostrils where they stay for the scene.
HOMELESS MAN
You see only half the danger.
JEANNIE
You mean because of my eye?
(covers bad eye with hand)
HOMELESS MAN
Every day you honor the dead. But
will you stop death? Assassin!
Assassin!
The other passengers all stare toward Jeannie.
JEANNIE
He’s talking about someone else.
Not me! I’m a good person. Are
there any pregnant ladies who want
my seat? Anybody?
The homeless man puts his hand down by Jeannie’s feet, with
the eye tattoo “looking” up her skirt.
HOMELESS MAN
I see wherever my hand points.
JEANNE
Oh yeah? Then what color underwear
do I have on?
Blue.
HOMELESS MAN
JEANNIE
Lucky guess.
Boxers.
HOMELESS MAN
Jeannie gasps, shocked that he was right! The homeless man
disappears into the crowd. Jeannie tries to explain to the
other riders.
JEANNIE
I’m allergic to elastic.

18.
INT. OFFICE OF THE NEW YORK BUGLE -- SAME NIGHT.
Ben is leaving his office. It’s late and everyone has left
for the night. He hears footsteps. Alarmed, he crouches down.
Peering over the cubicles he sees a masked man with a
baseball bat.
Crawling on all fours, Ben reaches Jeannie’s desk. He pulls a
manila envelope from his coat and drops it in the box marked
“Carol Burnett.”
As Ben crawls away, he runs right into a man’s feet. Ben
looks up just as the baseball bat comes down on his head. The
assailant lifts his ski mask. He’s a young hood we will later
meet as DIEGO.
INT. JEANNIE'S BEDROOM -- SAME NIGHT
Jeannie lies awake in bed. In her mind she hears voices echo,
“Assassin!”, “Lifetime Achievement Award”, and “Manhole
Cover.” She imagines a rapid montage of vintage Carol Burnett
saying good night at the end of her show. Over and over,
Carol waves and says “Good night,” or “So long,” in various
Bob Mackie gowns. One final “Goodbye” echoes in Jeannie’s
thoughts.
Jeannie turns over and fluffs her pillow. It’s going to be a
tough night for sleep.
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. JEANNIE’S OFFICE AT THE NEW YORK BUGLE -- DAY
Jeannie assembles Carol Burnett’s obit from the box of
reference materials.
She picks up the manila envelope Ben stashed in the box. She
pulls out several photos and negatives which Jeannie
mistakenly thinks are photos of Carol. One of these photos
shows a woman who Jeannie assumes is one of Carol’s famous
characters, a woman dressed in a skimpy nurse’s uniform.
An assistant named PAT passes Jeannie’s desk.
PAT
Has anybody seen Ben?

19.
EXT. BASKETBALL COURTS, NEAR THE BUGLE’S OFFICES -- LUNCH
HOUR
Jeannie sits on the bleachers with her friend Cherise, early
30s and whip smart when it comes to things like make-up and
hair extensions.
JEANNIE
I’m telling you, he knew all about
me. You only see half the danger?
What if he’s a prophet?
CHERISE
So he knew you were blind in one
eye. It’s a coincidence.
JEANNIE
I’m just saying some things can’t
be explained. Didn’t you ever get
the feeling you shouldn’t get on a
plane? What if I’m psychic?
CHERISE
You’re not psychic.
JEANNIE
See? I knew you’d say that. A lot
of weird stuff is going on. Essman
pushes for her obit, the Lifetime
Achievement Award. Then out of all
the manhole covers in the city, she
just happens to walk over the one
that’s loose?
So what?
CHERISE
JEANNIE
What if these are signs? What if
someone rigged that manhole cover?
Someone who knew she’d be standing
there. I have to warn her.
CHERISE
Ehh, she could be a horrible
person. She could do animal testing
for all we know.
JEANNIE
That’s no reason to kill her.
CHERISE
It is if you’re a howler monkey.

20.
JEANNIE
I guess you’re right. I’m no
psychic. I’m just a big nobody like
that motivational speaker said.
Cherise picks up a basketball.
CHERISE
Alright, let’s have fate decide.
One hoop. If you make it, that
means Carol Burnett is going to be
assassinated.
Jeannie lobs the ball, but flings it horizontally. It smacks
a LITTLE GIRL in the face and knocks her over backwards.
Cherise jumps up and cheers.
CHERISE (CONT’D)
Carol Burnett is going to live!
The girl starts wailing.
JEANNIE
Shh. Shh. Little girl. You’re okay.
Walk it off.
CHERISE
Wow, she’s really bleeding.
The girl’s MOTHER runs over alarmed.
MOTHER
What did you do to her?
JEANNIE
A bee stung her.
MOTHER
Her nose is bleeding.
JEANNIE
It stung her sinus. Is she
allergic?
LITTLE GIRL
(through tears)
You punched me with a ball.
MOTHER
C’mon, let’s go home...Carol.
Jeannie gasps! She looks at Cherise who is also stunned.
Jeannie grabs the mother by the shirt.

21.
JEANNIE
Please, this is a matter of life
and death. Is your daughter named
after Carol Burnett?
INT. THE OFFICES OF THE NEW YORK BUGLE -- MINUTES LATER
Jeannie rushes toward Ben’s office and finds Chuck.
JEANNIE
Where’s Ben? It’s a matter of life
and death.
CHUCK
I don’t know! Deadline’s in an hour
and he’s not answering his cell!
Jeannie runs from the office. She sees Pat, the receptionist.
JEANNIE
Pat! I need you to get on the horn
and find out who manages Carol
Burnett. She’s in New York and I
want her schedule.
PAT
But I don’t work for you.
JEANNIE
There’s no time, Pat!
As Jeannie marches along, she slams into Mr. Essman.
JEANNIE (CONT’D)
Mr. Essman. It’s Carol Burnett.
She’s about to be assassinated.
MR. ESSMAN
And you know this...how?
JEANNIE
Ok, just go with me here. I think I
might be psychic.
From off-camera, we hear Chuck SCREAM.
JEANNIE (CONT’D)
That’s Chuck’s scream!
Jeannie and Mr. Essman run to Chuck’s desk. He looks
horrified and points at his computer.

22.
CHUCK
This just popped up in my inbox.
On screen is a ransom film of Ben. He kneels with a gun held
to his head and speaks to camera.
BEN
I’ve been kidnapped. They want some
film back. I keep telling them I
don’t have it. I don’t WHERE it
could be. They’re gonna kill me.
JEANNIE
Wait! What was that?
(pointing to the screen)
The way he said “where.” Play that
part back.
In the last part of the clip, Ben tugs at his ear.
JEANNIE (CONT’D)
There! It’s a signal. See? He’s
signaling us. When he tugs his ear.
CHUCK
What kind of signal?
JEANNIE
The Carol Burnett kind.
(hyperventilating)
She always tugged her ear! It’s
like her trademark or something. Oh
my god, it’s all connected.
MR. ESSMAN
He probably just had an itch.
JEANNIE
No way. Ben knew I’d know about the
ear pull. It’s a message. Carol
Burnett is in grave danger. I know
it.
Pat, the receptionist, comes running into Chuck’s office.
PAT
Jeannie, Carol Burnett’s at the
Bronx Zoo today!
JEANNIE
What’s she doing at the zoo?

23.
PAT
A ribbon cutting ceremony for the
New Vulture Experience Pavilion.
MR. ESSMAN
I’m calling the police, Jeannie.
JEANNIE
What can they do? They don’t have
the film.
CHUCK
Neither do we.
JEANNIE
What if Carol Burnett has it. I’m
gonna crack this thing wide open!
MR. ESSMAN
Jeannie, one of my staff has been
kidnapped. Just stay clear and let
the police handle this.
JEANNIE
I can’t do that.
With gathering resolve, Jeannie marches toward the elevator.
She hits the elevator button and turns to the entire office
who have stopped working and are watching her. She holds up a
defiant finger.
JEANNIE (CONT’D)
Someone wants to assassinate Carol
Burnett and I, for one, intend to
find out who!
The elevator opens and a man is inside. Jeannie steps on and
glares triumphantly at her co-workers. She waits for the
doors to close, then glances at the elevator buttons.
JEANNIE (CONT’D)
(to man on elevator)
Oh, sorry you’re going up? Sorry.
Jeannie wedges herself between the closing doors. She gets
trapped momentarily and struggles to squeeze her way through.
She presses the down button and waits. The whole floor is
still watching her.