The Crocodile UF - Nov 2015 - Reitz Union Makeover

crocodile 

the really independent florida 

We’re super tight with the University of Florida 

POWERED BY 

We Inform. 

You Accept. 

EXTREME REITZ MAKEOVER 

What are they REALLY building? 

Business 

student 

joins Vector 

Marketing 

Are you 

faster 

than UF 

wifi? 

Find out inside 

Meet the 

Crocodile 

staff 

Op-ed: 

Why isn’t 

that girl 

wearing 

shoes? 

Pizza by the 

Slice serves 

first sober 

customer

contents 

6 Girl Finally Stops Dressing 

Up for Class 

6 Bookstore to Release “Midtown” 

Scented Candles 

10 Report: Construction Workers Just 

Banging on Stuff 

12 Humans of UF 

15 Student Lost in Turlington Since 

First Class 

16 Sophomore Can Finally Wear UF18 

Without Humiliation 

17 Op Eds 

18 Are You Faster Than UF Wi-Fi? 

20 Anniversary Issue 

22 Pizza By-The-Slice Serves First 

Sober Customer 

23 UF Student Graduates, Raises 

Family Before Snap Van 

Finally Arrives 

24 Croc-ktails 

25 Starbucks to Introduce “Just 

Coffee” This Winter 

26 Horoscopes 

27 Business Student Joins 

Vector Marketing 

27 Secret Pepsi Police Shut Down 

Coca-Cola Rally in Rawlings 

28 Classified 

4 The Really Independent Florida Crocodile 

November 2015

Editor’s 

letter 

Greetings Loyal Crocodile Readers, 

You are holding the world’s first magazine produced for University 

of Florida students printed on vegetarian, gluten-free paper. 

Oh, and also the first edition of the new and improved Crocodile. 

For those of you who don’t know, The Crocodile was started in November 2013, 

when a few cheeky little rascals decided to print up a horribly-formatted satire 

newspaper at Target Copy in the middle of the night. 

From there, our design was improved upon, staff morale mercilessly whipped into 

submission, and two years later here we are – with a full-size magazine and the top visited 

website in Gainesville and Czechoslovakia. I would like to thank our biggest supporter: 

my mom. I would also like to say that none of this would have been possible without the 

refreshing and energizing taste of Pepsi, and our staff I guess. 

As you read some of the passages ahead, we ask that you take a few moments to stop 

and reflect on your life. Why are you really here? Are you part of a greater purpose? Or, if 

you would rather, simply use the jokes as a sweet escape from the crushing grip of reality 

and the looming deadlines of your academic life. 

We at The Really Independent Florida Crocodile hope you enjoy our work. 

Mind our sponsors, 

Poseidon 

Crocodile Overlord and Janitor 

crocodile contributors 

Editor-in-chief 

Peyton S. 

Content Editor 

Peyton S. 

Contributing writers 

Peyton S. 

Amalie B. 

Bayley W. 

Eric H. 

Max C. 

Michael S. 

Zachary L. 

Comic artist 

merina c. 

Photographers 

Eric H. 

Bianca F. 

Kaitlin M. 

Loan shark 

[redacted] 

Hairdresser 

Sharon F. 

Russian-English 

Translator 

Sergey T. 

Security Team Delta 

Bryan B. 

Trevor S. 

Cleyton H. 

Moral support 

Mom 

Special thanks to 

Monster Energy 

Meatball subs 

Johannes Gutenberg 

Sushi Chao spicy cream 

chicken 

Google 

The United States Federal 

Reserve 

Email 

staff@thecrocodile.org 

Online 

thecrocodile.org 

A Fresh Start 

for a New Year 

(Blah, Blah ... Blah) 

College towns permeate the feeling 

of fresh starts, new ideas and new 

beginnings – and all of those other 

generic, self-improvement crap 

clichés. Despite the overuse of such 

concepts, the ability to seize – 

or embrace (ick) – those “fresh start” 

moments are important in life and in 

your progression into the scary 

post-college world. 

With this notion, Campus Talk has also 

decided to make some major steps 

toward the expression of new ideas and vision 

for the new year and we thought what better 

way than with the fresh minds and styles of 

“the really independent florida Crocodile”. 

Satire, wit and on-site “news” stories can 

be found throughout the new-look magazine 

– a great distraction from all those 

upcoming tests and major life decisions 

bearing down before your test-ridden minds. 

We welcome you to join Croc and 

Campus Talk as we transition to yet another 

year of “fresh starts” and “new beginnings”, 

laughing our way into 2016. 

Daniel Sutphin 

(No mythical god assigned) 

This magazine is rated EFH for 

Extremely Freakin’ Hilarious. 

EFH 

[WHP – A diversified marketing & publishing organization] 

Campus talk is a humor magazine dedicated to relieving 

students of the pressures of everyday college life. Among 

essay exams, crowded classrooms, boring professors and 

messy roommates, campus talk offers a welcome diversion 

for those students “just trying to get away from it all.” 

Different viewpoints may grace our pages but may not all 

represent the opinions of campus talk magazine or its staff. 

Campus talk should not be read by anyone suffering from 

heart ailments, unfunny syndrome or halitosis. All images 

depicted are purely coincidental. Copyright 2009. All rights 

reserved, what’s happening publications, inc. 

campus talk contributors 

Editor-IN-CHIEF 

Lauren Douglass 

CONTENT EDITOR 


art director 

DANIEL TIDBURY 

Graphic Design 

Jane Dominguez 

Daniel Tidbury 

Contributing Writers 

Marc Douglass 

Lauren Douglass 


John Scheck 

Mike Capshaw 

kirsten neilsen 

Elizabeth putfark 

Promotions 

Amanda Liles 

Karen Jones 

director of advertising 

Shane Howell 

shane@whpinc.com 

distributed by 

street teams, inc. 

phone: 

(352) 371.5881 

email: 

mail@mycampustalk.com 

snail mail: 

P.O. Box 143053 

Gainesville, Fl 32614 

visit online : 

mycampustalk.com 

Campus talk is licensed for publishing rights in florida to whp, inc. other markets are available. for information on owning campus talk in another city, please contact us. 

November 2015 

Tyler Perry’s Independent Florida Crocodile 

5

Breaking: 

Girl finally 

stops dressing 

up for class 

Rice ready for her 8:30 a.m. lecture. 

UF student and first-semester freshman has 

finally stopped putting an unusual amount 

of effort into her outfits just to go to class. 

Becka Rice, 18, has been a cause for 

celebration and joy in the student body 

this week, after she finally gave up on 

looking presentable for her classmates 

and teachers on a daily basis. 

Rice had previously been putting absurd 

amounts of energy into her personal 

appearance, including waking up over an 

hour before her first class to shower and 

sometimes even wearing skirts or dresses 

just because she “wanted to.” 

“Honestly I found it extremely offensive,” 

Said Jessica Leo, a fellow classmate in Rice’s 

8:30 a.m. lecture. “I shouldn’t have to feel bad 

for wearing men’s sweatpants with slippers to my 

2nd period class.” 

However, Rice’s peers no longer have to 

worry about looking bad in comparison to 

an amount of put-togetherness that is usually 

reserved for graduation or football games, 

as Becka showed up to a class discussion 

Monday in a coffee-stained T-shirt 

and leggings. 

“I woke up with a cold this morning,” Rice 

sniffled to reporters. “I just didn’t feel like 

getting out of bed until I had to, I hope I don’t 

offend anyone with how I look – I don’t even 

have mascara on.” 

Rice reportedly assured friends that day 

that she would be back to her normal, 

well-groomed self in no time. Yet, since then 

there have been multiple sightings of Rice in 

the same leggings and even a pair of stained 

sweatpants that confirm the theory she has 

finally adapted to the college dress code. ‖ 

Update: Rice has since been spotted at Goodwill 

browsing the XL t-shirts. 

written By Anaxarete 

Bookstore to release 

‘Midtown’ scented candle 

6 

Campus officials spoke to press early 

Tuesday morning, discussing the highly 

anticipated release of Campus Candles. 

Founder and CEO of the new 

candle company, Todd 

Nostral, released a statement to 

students and prospective buyers: 

“I wanted these candles to really evoke 

the sense that you were standing in 

Gainesville. When you light a Campus 

Candle, you’re opening your senses 

to the world that is student life at UF.” 

Predestined to be a bestseller 

is Nostral’s personal favorite, 

‘Midtown.’ Said to have extracts 

of Kentucky Gentleman and 

rotten pizza, this candle truly 

gives users the Midtown 

experience, simply through smell. 

“I bought this candle for my 

boyfriend,” said UF junior Kelly 

Schneider. “I wanted it to remind 

him of the place we met: waiting in 

line at Pizza by the Slice at 1 a.m. 

There’s nothing more romantic than 

The lactose-intolerant Florida Crocodile 

being able to be 

transported back to that 

magical moment when 

he cut me in line and I 

gave him my snapchat.” 

Most pre-sales of 

the ‘Midtown’ candle 

have been made by 

seniors, reports 

showed. Whether it be 

the burning desire to 

feel as if they’re drunkenly 

meandering the garbage-riddled 

parking lot by Relish, or the 

tranquil fragrance of the place 

dreams go to die, seniors can’t 

seem to stay away from this 

all-time favorite 

candle scent. 

Nostral 

included in his 

statement a list of 

scents students 

should be expecting 

from Campus 

Candles: ‘Krishna 

Lunch at the Plaza,’ 

‘Broward Hall 

Bathroom,’ ‘Old Professor 

Smell,’ ‘Fraternity Gentleman’s 

Boat Shoes,’ and ‘That Girl 

Who Brought Lunch to Class.’ ‖ 

written By Atropos 


ADOBE 

MAYBE SHE’S BORN WITH IT. MAYBE IT’S PHOTOSHOP.

We have received exclusive information from an 

unnamed construction worker that the Reitz Union 

renovations will be finally finished “maybe sometime 

soon during a semester.” In addition to this, the 

anonymous source gave the Crocodile the inside 

scoop on exactly what’s being built. Here are a few of 

the rooms that have yet to be unveiled to the public. 

24-hour PG-themed rave 

Sponsored by Gator Nights, this rave is sure to be a hit every night of the week. The music 

will be free of bad language and there will be constant supervision, so kids are welcome. 

Don’t let them drink too much soda pop though! 

Taco Bell 

The University has finally listened to 

students’ requests and built a Taco Bell! 

Unfortunately it will only serve traditional 

Gator Dining food and not Taco Bell food, 

but it will reportedly still have Baja Blast 

which is really all that matters. 

An entire hotel 

Wow! The Reitz is breaking records by 

building a fully-functioning hotel inside. 

Anyone can rent a room and there will be 

even be a whole information desk downstairs. 

8 

The Pepsi lounge 

This is a posh business area made for the 

most dignified students and traveling 

businessmen. It’s a perfect place to enjoy a 

refreshing cold beverage and monitor your 

stock portfolio. 

The kid-tested, parent-approved Florida Crocodile 


Indoor football practice field 

The UAA decided to spend even more money 

and build this giant field. The need was realized 

after one football player told sponsors that “the 

sun is icky and makes me sticky.” 

Clearance bookstore 

This mini-bookstore has only the most 

affordable bargain-priced items, unlike the 

regular bookstore downstairs. Students can 

expect to find textbooks and graphing 

calculators for $500 or less. Get shopping! 

18 more 

ballrooms 

The Reitz didn’t 

think they had 

enough empty and 

unused ballrooms, 

so they built 18 

more to satisfy 

demand. They 

expect all of them to 

be used by dance 

teams because of the 

new rules banning 

dancing at the 

stadium. 

McElwain’s throne room 

This room features a gilded throne for 

Florida head coach Jim McElwain. This is 

actually a last-minute revision as beforehand 

it was set up as a torture chamber for 

Muschamp in between games. 

Under 

construction 

Some nostalgic 

workers decided to 

leave one room 

under construction 

just for old time’s 

sake. This off-limits 

room will feature 

pallets of lumber, 

hard hats, and even 

Mike’s cordless drill. 

November 2015 The Crocodile, your over-the-counter news supplement 9

Report: 

The building across from the CLB has become a veritable “bang-fest.” 

Construction 

workers just 

banging on stuff 

The numerous construction 

sites around the University 

of Florida have been recently 

revealed to actually be just a 

bunch of dudes banging on stuff. 

The shocking revelation, 

uncovered by construction 

management major Jason 

Bowes, has rocked the 

University. 

“I thought they were making 

buildings, laying bricks, all that,” 

Bowes said. “Turns out they’re just 

making a bunch of noise with tools.” 

Many of the half-finished 

buildings have also been found 

to be structurally unsound. 

Although the lack of blueprints 

may be to blame, many are 

beginning to suspect that it is 

actually the workers’ faults. 

“Every morning we just each take 

a hammer from the hammer pile 

and go to town,” One worker 

told reporters. “I thought at 

least someone was actually doing 

the building.” 

This new information means 

that all of the University’s 

building projects will have to 

be delayed until further notice. 

The Reitz Union is not 

expected to be completed until 

early 2024, with the chemistry 

building following in 2028. 

Whatever the heck they’re 

building next to Pugh Hall may 

stay unfinished forever. 

Students have been assured 

by UF administration that the 

delays will not be a problem and 

that funding will simply be 

deducted from their tuition. ‖ 

written By Poseidon 

10 

The detial-oriented Florida Crocodile 

The metal makes even louder banging, one worker explains. 


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11

humans of UF 

It’s my first year at college so I’m pretty pumped to be on my own. 

What I’m most excited for, though, is the dining hall because my 

mom got me the unlimited plan. Like, I can eat whatever I want 

whenever I want! I know everyone is all “watch out out for the freshman 

15” but that’s sort of a myth and I plan on hitting the gym anyway. 

Did you know you can just take however many cookies you want?? 

Quite frankly, I’m a little tired of these stupid freshmen 

everywhere. I mean technically I’m one too but I was here for 

Summer B so I’m pretty experienced. You could even say I know the 

ropes better than some of even the juniors here. Plus I went to all the 

coolest parties last semester. It’s sort of weird though because none of 

my friends from then have called me yet. 

M 

y mom was a legacy of Alpha Sigma Sigma over at University 

of Phoenix so I got into the new chapter here with no 

problem. I don’t really know what sororities do, but I’m hoping we 

get some yummy pizza or something at our dinners. I can’t wait to 

meet tons of cool and unique people that think just like me!!! 

This is the year I’m finally going to find out who I really am. 

I mean, I should have been doing that the past two years but 

it’s hard. It’s just way easier to go to parties and glide through all 

my classes without a second thought. I think I’m set on Business, 

but I really suck at stats so I might wuss out and just do something 

with the College of Journalism. 

12 The 99.9% bacteria free* Florida Crocodile 


Keep this on the down low but I 

used to be a huge proponent of 

Swamp Party. I had a bunch of shirts, 

evangelized before elections, you 

know. I’m still not entirely sure what 

they stood for but all my friends were 

doing it so I thought I’d join in. Now 

that they’re gone, I’m changing my 

vote to Squirrel Party! 

I 

think I only got a 94 on that last chemistry test. I know I messed 

up a question about what happens to a molecule if you heat it to 

exactly 15° Celsius and then remove the top branch of electrons. 

I’m never going to go anywhere in life with grades like that. At least 

I got the bonus question about the professor’s favorite snack. 

This is for what? The Crocodile? I’m not being a part of your 

stupid fake magazine. Go away or I’m calling campus security. 


The Crocodile, a healthy choice 

I 

’m a pledge of 

Delta Iota Chi this 

semester. I’ve never 

really been into Greek 

life, but this frat is just 

so awesome. Guess how 

we got hazed! Oh wait, 

uh, we totally didn’t. 

I’m using my student 

loans to pay the $6,700 

per semester dues, but 

I know it’ll be worth it 

because of the lifelong 

friends I’ll make. ‖ 

13

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Student has been 

lost in Turlington 

since first class 

Police responded to a call early this 

morning that a lost and emaciated 

freshman had been found in Turlington Hall. 

According to the report, 

the call was made after a 

maintenance worker, Mike Buley, 

41, discovered a student fast 

asleep under a desk in one of the 

many classrooms in the building. 

Our sources reported that 

the aforementioned student, 

Annie Daley, Freshman, was 

found healthy, though clearly 

had been wandering the 

labyrinth of halls for many days 

inside University of Florida’s 

infamously confusing structure. 

“I knew right away what had 

happened,” claimed Buley. “Once 

I saw her UF19 shirt and preview 

lanyard I realized she must have been 

in here for days. Those poor freshman 

can never find their way out of here, 

even with their danged campus maps.” 

Daley was taken back to her 

dorm in Beaty Towers by 

authorities after being 

prescribed a bottle of blue 

Gatorade, and was given 

confirmed absence from her 

classes which included What is 


the Good Life, Man’s Food, 

Statistics and American 

History from 1877. 

After she had recovered 

enough to speak, Annie relayed 

her horrifying story to our 

reporters: “I was walking to my first 

Good Life discussion when I saw the 

elevators and thought I would avoid the 

heat. But as soon as I got to the upper 

level I realized I had made a horrible 

mistake,” She mourned. “I just 

couldn’t find the exit anywhere. I even 

tried to call my preview staffer because 

he said he would always be there for me, 

but it said the number was invalid.” 

Fortunately, Annie’s story 

ended positively. In an attempt 

to help prevent such a situation 

from ever happening again, she 

informed us that she will be 

posting in the Class of 2019 

asking if anyone wanted to meet 

up to walk to class together. ‖ 

This article was featured in September 

2015 on thecrocodile.org. Visit us 

online for more frequent updates! 


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15

Sophomore can finally wear 

UF18 shirt without humiliation 

A second-year UF student made an exciting discovery this 

week, when he realized he can finally wear the class shirt he 

received at preview without being severely mocked. 

Billy Lamio, 19-year-old 

engineering major, told 

reporters that due to a lack of 

clean clothes, he found himself 

leaving his Buckman dorm 

wearing the very same UF18 

shirt he had been avoiding since 

his first week of classes. 

“I never would have thought that 

not learning how to do basic chores 

like laundry would backfire,” 

Lamio said. “But once I realized 

I was going to have to wear that 

dreaded shirt, I thought for sure I 

wouldn’t make it through the day.” 

Class shirts are notoriously 

looked down upon in the student 

community, equal to offenses such as 

wearing lanyards or man sandals. 

But Lamio’s experience seems to 

prove that the shirts have lost their 

negative connotation, and hundreds 

of sophomores are celebrating their 

newly-found freedom. 

“When I saw Billy wearing that 

thing, I couldn’t believe it,” Said Jessica 

Lorry, Lamio’s current girlfriend. 

“People were actually making eye 

contact with him, and not one person 

pretended to throw up.” 

Once word spread about 

Lamio’s discovery, the UF18 shirts 

have taken over campus; the true 

sign of acceptance being when 

sorority girls began to wear the 

larger sizes over their running 

shorts. Some second-year students 

were even seen receiving victorious 

high fives and tearful embraces as 

they joined the ranks of the 

superior upperclassmen. 

There is no indication of how 

long one must wait to wear their 

class shirt, but Lorry informed our 

reporters via social media that the 

UF19 shirts are still “totally lame” 

and asks all freshman to “plz burn 

those lol.” ‖ 


16 

The “I wonder if we can fit ads down here” Florida Crocodile 


Five minutes in Turlington 


The all-new galaxy S6, presented by the Florida Crocodile 

17

18 

op eds 

Why isn’t that girl 

wearing shoes? 

I wouldn’t call myself a germaphobe, 

but isn’t it a little weird to go 

barefoot around campus? 

was walking out of Library West today and I saw this girl, totally 

I normal looking – at least until I realized she was completely 

barefoot. Just strolling around the Plaza. As if she wasn’t collecting 

thousands of viruses through her skin with every step. 

Maybe she had lost her shoes, or someone made her a bet that she 

could gross out the largest number of people on campus, otherwise it 

just doesn’t make any sense. Was she so wrapped up in studying for a 

test this morning that she lost all sense of dignity? I can’t take anyone 

seriously after seeing the soles of their feet like that. 

She looked a little sad, so I assumed it was because of normal 

reasons like no purpose in life or the line at Starbucks being really 

long, but it would also make sense if she was sad that someone stole 

her shoes. 

Should I go back and ask if she needs help filing a police report? 

God, no, I don’t think I can look at those bare toes again. ‖ 

Can someone please help my 

tech-illiterate professor? 

If I have to sit through one more 

lecture where my professor can’t 

figure out how to turn on the volume 

on his computer, I am going to tear 

that stupid console to shreds. 

Every class, he shows up and spends at least 25 minutes pressing 

buttons trying to figure out the best way to play some shaky 

handheld video that he says really “visually explains what the 

lecture is about.” Usually until some kind soul gets up there and 

presses the “unmute” button for him. 

I’m pretty sure I’m going to need glasses after he couldn’t figure 

out how to change the settings to play a movie in full screen last 

week. That was when I realized he genuinely needs help. 

If anyone knows the difference between Google and Youtube, 

how to exit out of windows for Norton AntiVirus, or has a typing 

speed of over 12 words per minute, I will pay you the rest of my 

year’s tuition to replace (or at least assist) Professor McMoulty. 

I’m done with spending 50 minutes of my life watching an 

elderly man painstakingly type in “www” before everything he puts 

in the search bar. ‖ 

1) Out of the following, which 

would you consider to be 

your favorite daily activity? 

A) Watching paint dry on an 

old wooden wall 

B) Looking from afar at the 

progressive erosion of a 

seaside cliff 

C) Sitting quietly in a pasture 

as you watch the grass grow 

around you 

2) Which of the following 

animals do you most 

closely resemble? 

A) A sloth 

B) A three-legged tortoise 

C) A snail with nowhere to be 

3) “If I have to wait in line, 

it might as well be at...” 

A) The DMV on the Tuesday 

after Labor Day 

B) Kohl’s, 3 hours before the 

doors open for Black Friday 

C) Any Chick-Fil-A in 

Gainesville 

The only-failed-out-of-business-school-once Florida Crocodile 

Are YOU 

faster 

than UF 

Wi-Fi? 

Take the quiz and find out! 

4) Which of the following 

sporting events would you 

rather watch? 

A) A little league tee-ball 

championship that goes 

to extra innings 

B) A chess match against a 

chatty Rosie O’Donnell 

C) Golf 

5) Out of the moments 

below, which seems to fly 

right by you as it happens? 

A) The rest of class after your 

fart is louder than expected 

B) Being in that modest side-hug 

after a reunion with an old 

high school pal 

C) “Happy birthday!” 

“Thanks, you too!” 

If you picked A the most: 

CONGRATULATIONS! You’re faster than UF Wi-Fi! 

If you picked B the most: 


If you picked C the most: 



* Just kidding! Please don't cheat... the world's a dumb enough place already.

FLOOR PLANS 

FILLING UP FAST! 

RESERVE YOUR 

SPACE TODAY! 

Pizza by the 

Slice serves 

first sober 

customer 

A shocking report has come in 

that Pizza by the Slice has 

served its first sober customer. 

The Midtown restaurant has 

served illegally intoxicated 

patrons since 1934, when it was 

founded by a drunk student who 

ordered Domino’s to a tiny 

alleyway right next to Gator City. 

“Wow, thish would be a good 

shpot for pizzsha,” Jimmy Slice, 

founder of Pizza by the Slice, told 

his friends. The rest is history. 

Since its founding, the 

six-foot-wide pizza establishment 

has not served a single customer 

who was not under the influence 

of a controlled substance. It has 

been especially popular with UF 

students going to clubs and 

buzzed dads visiting town for 

football games. 

“…” One passed-out patron 

told reporters as people awkwardly 

stepped around his body. 

The sober customer, 

Brittany Comes, reportedly had 

a desire for pizza and walked 

over from her Murphree dorm 

to get it. “It’s not that weird, I just 

wanted pizza,” Comes said. 

Pizza by the Slice is hoping 

that Comes will set an example 

by showing that their pizza 

can indeed be consumed by 

sober humans. 

Although the pizza is 

claimed to be delicious when 

it’s eaten, no one can seem to 

remember exactly how it tasted 

the next day. This makes it an 

appealing option for postmidnight 

Midtown cuisine. 

UPDATE: New reports 

indicate that Comes was 

actually a little buzzed. ‖ 

Further update: An eyewitness claims 

that Comes was stumbling around 

Midtown covered in pizza sauce and 

clearly more inebriated than 

initially thought. 

Written by Poseidon 

22 The under-construction Florida Crocodile 


UF student graduates, 

raises family before SNAP 

van finally arrives 

A special report was brought to the Crocodile recently regarding an incident that took place 

in 1985, where a UF alumnus claims that his requested SNAP van simply never showed up. 

freshman at the time, engineering 

A student Tom Puckett had just finished a 

debilitating day at the gym when he felt as if 

he was in no shape to make the long trudge 

back to his dorm in Jennings Hall. 

Still in his freshman honeymoon phase, 

Puckett was eager to use every resource he 

could get his hands on in the shortest possible 

period of time, and thought that this was the 

perfect opportunity to call upon the illustrious 

Student Nighttime Auxiliary Patrol. 

Puckett dialed their number that was 

posted in the gym and smiled at his first 

successful feat of maturity. He walked out to 

the pick-up point on the side of the road and 

was excited to experience his first real taste 

of voluntary university transit. 

For the next hour and a half Puckett 

waited. And waited. “It felt like an eternity to 

me, it could’ve been days for all I know. I just 

wanted to get back to Jennings as quickly as 

possible,” Puckett said. 

As the sun fell down below the horizon, 

Puckett’s hopes fell with it. He was left with 

the only option of army-crawling his 

way back to Jennings, a painful and 

humiliating process. 

“I was mad, sure, but I understand that they’re 

busy. I showered up when I got back and I honestly 

forgot all about it,” Puckett said. 

Puckett went on to have a successful 

career as a Gator, and graduated in 1989 

in the top 5% of his class. That same year 

Puckett would go on to marry the love of his 

life and together they experienced the joys of 

their firstborn child. 

This past September, Tom Puckett 

brought his family to visit Gainesville to give 

them a piece of his rich educational history. 

It was when the Puckett family was passing 

the gym on their way to visit his old dorm 

that they were able to get a genuine glimpse 

into his past. 

“Sure enough, coming over the hill was a white 

van barreling right towards us. I thought, ‘this can’t 

be happening’ but there it was, pulling in right in 

front of me 30 years later.” Puckett said. 

The report claims that the drivers, 

fatigued from sitting in a van for 3 decades, 

were finally able to roll down the window 

and lean out to the Puckett family. 

“Jennings? Hop on in,” one driver 

said smugly. 

The Puckett family boarded the van and 

headed on their way to Jennings Hall at 

long last. 

“Better late than never,” Puckett concluded. 

When the Crocodile reached out to the 

SNAP drivers for further comment, they 

declined saying they were in a hurry to pick 

up a passenger who called in 1977. ‖ 

Written by Maximus 

Spaces available for 

Spring & Fall 2016. 

Contact our office for our 

current specials. 

ROYAL VILLAGE 

OFFICIAL PARTNER OF 

THE FLORIDA GATORS ® 

UNIVERSITY CLUB APARTMENTS 

Apply online today at 

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SHORT-TERM LEASES AVAILABLE—APPLY TODAY! 

Limited time only. While supplies last. See office for details. 


El cocodrilo realmente independiente de la Florida 

23

Croc-ktails 

Tired of rum and coke or flat Four Loko? 

Impress your friends with the Crocodile’s exclusive drink recipes. They’re guaranteed to 

make you the star of any party. The Crocodile only endorses legal, responsible drinking. 

“Exploratory Marjorita” 

• All your parents’ money 

• A pinch of self-doubt 

• Anything else that looks good 

Mix everything together, 

even the stuff you’re 

“pretty sure” you won’t like. 

Leave the drink for 2–3 years. 

Eventually realize that you don’t 

like any of it and move back in 

with your parents. 

“Party Girl’s Painkiller” 

• Malibu 

• Cranberry juice 

• 5 hour energy 

• Ibuprofen (finely ground) 

P 

our ingredients into chug mug 

and take to frat party of your 

choice. This is a multi-faceted 

drink that will combat UTIs 

while keeping you awake to party. 

It’s everything a girl needs in one 

body-numbing cocktail. 

“The Florida Pool” 

• Vodka 

• Chlorine 

• A little bit of pee 

• Ice 

This one’s a real treat for 

those hot days. Mix the 

vodka and chlorine, then add the 

pee for that genuine public pool 

taste. Pour over ice and garnish 

with small umbrella if desired. 

“The Dining Hall Surprise” 

(sponsored by Pepsi) 

• Smuggled-in Everclear 

• Any refreshing Pepsi beverage 

• Questionably sanitary ice 

Rejoice, meal plan lovers. 

Pour the everclear into one 

of the plastic dining hall cups 

and proceed to fill it with every 

soda. Make sure to try tasty 

Cheerwine available only 

through Pepsico. ‖ 

24 The Really Independent Florida Crocodile, now with electrolytes 


STARBUCKS 

TO INTRODUCE 

“JUST COFFEE” 

THIS WINTER 

Starbucks has been a trendsetter since its 

very conception, and in a groundbreaking 

press conference, CEO Howard Schultz 

said that his company has the next big 

thing lined up for the holiday season. 

ust coffee!” Schultz exclaimed. “We’ll serve it hot, in paper cups, 

“Jand you can ask for cream and sugar!” 

Applause erupted from a crowd of hipsters that all took the same 

Uber to get to the press conference, and then used that very same 

Uber later to meet up later at the nearest Starbucks. 

The endless population of coffee-addicts at UF took up fierce 

stances on Starbucks’ newest item, causing rifts in friendships and 

harsh but pretty vague tweets. 

“I’m extremely excited for just coffee,” said sophomore Mary Little. 

“No whipped cream or chocolate drizzle, I can’t even imagine what it looks like!” 

However, some students like Mocha Chanel don’t think “just 

coffee” is good for the industry. “It has nothing to do with the holiday spirit: 

it’s bland and boring like my 8:30 lecture,” said the junior. She later swore 

that she is not named after a Frappuccino flavor, but the Crocodile 

staff would have none of it. “It’s stupid and it has no peppermint,” the 

Frappuccino said. 

Starbucks plans to begin selling “just coffee” during winter 

months in hopes that the hot beverage would be sought after to 

warm up the bellies of cold patrons. 

“That’s the beauty of innovation,” Schultz said. “In bringing a new 

twist to our craft, we’ve stumbled upon a use of coffee that its inventors 

surely never thought of.” 

With a new taste and controversy surrounding the drink, 

“just coffee” will bring in millions of dollars in revenue for Starbucks. 

In hopes of mirroring the same trend, local ice cream shop Karma 

Cream made a big announcement about slimming down their 

menu for the holidays. 

“We’re going to serve just cream!” ‖ 


Written by Helios 

We have puppies & Kittens Who need 

foster homes & forever homes! 

leaSHeS, FooD, & vet Care inCluDeD PluS Free Dog training at Dream Dogz BeHavior Center. 

Call Haile’s angels Pet rescue at 352.505.0302 or email hailesangelspetrescue@gmail.com for info. 

no room to foster? You can still help! Please volunteer or make a donation. 

5231 SW 91St Drive, Haile village Center • 352.377.6003 • HaileanimalCliniC.Com 

Share a Pepsi with the Really Independent Florida Crocodile 

medical Care, Laser surgery, therapeutic Laser 

treatments, dentistry, pet supplies, natural pet food, 

Boarding, Grooming, adoptions, house Calls available 

25

horoscopes 

Aries 

Do NOT take any supplements unless 

directly prescribed to you by a dietitian 

Leo 

You will get a paper cut from a flyer in 

Turlington that will develop into a slightly 

larger paper cut over time. You will 

probably complain to all of your 

friends about it. 

Sagittarius 

You actually are pretty cool, despite what 

your friends say behind your back. 

Taurus 

Remember to always be true to yourself, 

and quit leaving your dishes in the sink for a 

week, Kevin. 

Gemini 

Follow your heart. Make sure you use a 

sharp scalpel, so that you can remove your 

heart from the chest cavity, then throw it 

and see where it lands. 

Cancer 

Jumping into Lake Alice isn’t the best idea 

right now. Next month, kid, next month. 

Virgo 

A greasy looking guy will ask you to sign a 

petition. You will say that you are not 

registered to vote in the state of Florida, and 

you will only feel a little guilty about it. 

Libra 

Academic success is in your future. It may 

not be this week, and it may not be for that 

big exam you have coming up, but eventually 

you’ll get some kind of good grade. 

Scorpius 

The prophecy has begun. You must act now! 

Before it’s too late! 

Capricorn 

You’re gonna wear stripes with plaid one 

day coming up. It’s just inevitable. There’s 

nothing you can do now. Maybe if you had 

worked harder as a kid. 

Aquarius 

Ask again later. 

Pisces 

I know you’re thinking about not getting 

Chick-Fil-A for lunch because it’s “bad for 

you”, but what does any of that really mean 

on the universal scale of time? 

26 The Independent Florida Alligator 


Business 

student 

joins Vector 

Marketing 

One special student in the 

Heavener School of Business 

has recently decided to 

start “making progress” 

and “working for himself.” 

“ 

I’m 

proud to announce that I’m starting my 

own business with Vector Marketing,” Jason 

Shoreland, freshman, told reporters and 

everyone else within earshot. “It’s totally 

legit,” He then added. 

Shoreland’s business is reportedly 

actually based on “multi-level marketing,” a 

term that Shoreland uses often but doesn’t 

seem to know the real meaning of. 

Since joining Vector, the self-proclaimed 

entrepreneur has gone through his Facebook 

friends list one-by-one to offer his “unique job 

opportunity” to everyone he has ever met. 

Reports indicate that Shoreland has also just 

been adding random members of the Class 

of 2019 page in the hopes that someone 

from there will join him. 

“Wanna buy some knives?” Shoreland 

asked Crocodile reporters at least six times. 

Friends of Shoreland have told reporters that 

he has now become an insufferable walking 

advertisement for the pyramid scheme. 

“He doesn’t understand that you’re not supposed to 

pay to have a job,” one of his friends said. 

Reports indicate that Shoreland’s 

friends’ disapproval is only bolstering his 

resolve to put everything he has into Vector 

Marketing. He has been seen handing out 

shoddy business cards in Turlington 

and erecting signs that offer “$14.50 per 

base appointment.” 

Our sources have told us that he has 

not yet actually made any money, only lost 

roughly $500 in membership and supply costs. 

As of press time, Shoreland was seen 

posing next to a Porsche that he found 

in a parking lot for his new Facebook 

profile picture. ‖ 



Secret Pepsi Police shut down 

Coca-Cola rally in Rawlings 

A pro-Coca-Cola rally in Rawlings area was shut down 

earlier this semester by an enigmatic secret police force. 

The underground 

group known to 

students as the “Pepsi 

Police” has been 

operating in hiding at 

the University of 

Florida since 1973. 

The force is 

dedicated to promoting 

Pepsi beverages and 

crushing Coca-Cola 

based opposition all over campus. They 

reportedly use blackmail and even physical 

violence to achieve their goals. 

“I was drinking a Coke that I got from Jimmy 

John’s and brought to campus,” [redacted] told 

reporters. “Next thing I knew, someone hit me 

over the head and I woke up in Marston holding a 

refreshing Diet Pepsi.” 

While some Pepsi agents work in the 

open, reports indicate that many sleeper 

cells exist in every facet of UF life. 

A member of UF staff, [redacted], 

revealed the following information: “They’ve 

recruited everyone from 

professors to that kid who’s 

always sleeping in class. 

They’re actually just listening 

for pro-Coke speech!” 

Many students don’t 

take the Pepsi Police 

threat seriously, writing 

off their existence as 

“crazy” or “a conspiracy.” 

A single pro-Coke 

group remains alive on campus, 

encouraging students to keep up the fight 

against our Pepsi overlords and to “take 

down the Pepsiarchy.” 

The group, known as the Coca-Cola 

Conquistadors, smuggle in the banned drink 

from other campuses. To date, they have 

imported an estimated 900 kilos of Coke and 

Diet Coke in various states of refrigeration. 

They could not be reached at press time, 

although some blood and sugary residue was 

found where they were supposed to meet. ‖ 

The 80-proof Florida Crocodile 


27

classified 

Orange sign – $25 

Lightly used orange barricade sign. Use this 

to save your parking spot or block off areas. 

You could even get a little creative and paint 

it a different color, but it’s bright enough as 

is. Must pick up. 

Starbucks drink – $2.27 

This drink is half gone so it’s only half price. 

It was originally a pumpkin spice latte but I 

added a quirky little twist to it by adding 

four extra packets of sugar and just a dash of 

cinnamon. Be aware that my name is 

actually Kaelia. 

Handful of acorns – $1 

I’ve been gathering acorns for a couple 

weeks now and I want to turn this hobby 

into a business. This particular handful has 

a few really nice ‘corns in there that are sure 

to make anyone happy. Try giving them to 

your friends as unique and thoughtful gifts. 

Crocodile stickers – always free 

Some aesthetically pleasing stickers featuring our very own President 

Kent Fuchs. Some of the best graphic designers in the nation made 

this wonderful work of art that has now been mass produced and is 

able to stick to anything. Please don’t stick to skin. 

Rare Alligator paper – Free 

I found this rare limited edition print of the Alligator the other day 

so I saved it. It’s a little crumpled but I think that gives it a more 

vintage feel. Great for framing in an office or even archiving for 

later viewing. This is the last one so hurry up! 

Used bike – $100 

This bike has a little bit of wear-and-tear, 

but is still pretty much new. Could use a 

little grease in the chain, but that’s about it. 

Smooth rider, but if you get on some nice 

asphalt you can really pedal hard and see 

what this baby can do. Price is firm, please 

do not lowball. 

Weird-colored bicycle – $50 

This beauty comes in a unique color scheme and has recently 

replaced brakes after an incident that involved a couple squirrels. 

It says “Agency” on it, but I’m trying to figure out which agency it 

belongs to. I wish they had been a little more specific so I could 

bring it back to them. This bike would be great for a Millennial! ‖ 

28 The cumulo-nimbus Florida Crocodile 


Contrary to popular belief, the Crocodile is not 

run by faceless robots. It’s run by faceless 

people, just like you. Here are some bios of 

Staff Page people who helped out on this magazine. 

Poseidon 

founded the Crocodile 

I two years ago. Back 

then, I was nothing but 

an unfunny loser. Now 

I’m an unfunny loser that 

brought you this 

magazine. Funny how 

times change, eh? I love 

Monster Energy, bagels, 

and rambunctious music. 

I am also a strong 

advocate of the Oxford 

comma. In addition to 

my duties of everything, 

I am also the Crocodile’s 

official janitor. See you 

all next issue! 

Anaxarete 

I 

’m Poseidon’s righthand 

woman. I feed 

him his medication every 

day, as well as secretly 

control everything the 

Crocodile does. I also 

bake really tasty treats 

for our meetings to keep 

morale high. I love 

pennies and pick them 

up off the floor all the 

time. That’s actually how 

we saved up enough to 

print this issue! 

Atropos 

I 

’m a new Crocodile 

member, but I’m 

already the most 

organized out of all of 

them. I actually write my 

notes in a book, rather 

than on a Google Doc 

that gets lost two hours 

later. I’m a big proponent 

of Squirrel Party, and 

am developing their 

campaign for next year! 

Helios 

eat all of the cookies 

I at meetings and 

everything in Poseidon’s 

fridge. Whenever we edit 

Crocodile articles, I 

make sure to litter his 

apartment with Rockstar 

Energy cans and melted 

ice cream. I also love to 

fight and care for my 

pet moth. 

Maximus 

I 

’m secretly a sportscaster 

wearing a 

student suit. 

Czech out the rest of our 

staff in our next issues! 

EAT 

Pizza Partner of the Florida Gators ® 


The Florida Crocodile, a required reading for HUM2305 

29

MOVE IN 

TODAY! 

AND CELEBRATE 

BEING THE FIRST 

IN YOUR BRAND 

NEW HOME! 

352.374.3866 

1015 NW 21ST AVENUE 

LUX13APARTMENTS.COM

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