Uncle Andy's Digest - November 2015

UNCLE ANDY’S DIGEST
The Most Unusual Digest in America
FREE
November 2015
Specialty Nights at
LIVE MUSIC!
Nov. 5th
SKOSH
Nov. 19th
DR FAT
FINGER
Japanese Cuisine
Open Mics Nights
Every Wed. @ 7pm
Special Bar Menu! Crazy Wednesdays
$
4 Crazy Sushi Rolls • 4-7pm
40 East Ave., Lewiston • 795-6888 • sea40me.com
Richard Moylan
(207) 777-0050
791 Kittyhawk Ave.
Unit 5, Auburn
richardmoylan@allstate.com
207-782-7113
Get Your FREE
Quote Today!
Insurance and coverages subject to terms. qualifications and availability. Allstate Property and Casualty Insurance
Company, Allstate Fire and Casualty Insurance Company: Northbrook, Illinois © 2010 Allstate Insurance Company
31 Blake Street, Lewiston • armandsautobody.com
“Affordable Dental Excellence”
New Patient Special $ 88
Includes: Cleaning, Exam, & Xrays
Caring family Dentists & Specialists!
488 Sabattus St., Lewiston • 207-783-8800
www.androscoggindentalgroup.com
Dr. Robert McVety, DMD

1967 Lisbon Road, Lewiston
Weight Loss • Healthy Foods • Customized Circuit Fitness
207-241-8237
NOW
OPEN!
Are You ready for a new level of fit?
Cutting Edge Classes with up to
3X Calorie Burn!
60 minute format Advanced Circuit
Check our Facebook page or
call us at 241-8237 for
OPEN HOUSE WEEK
details and to book a
FREE CLASS!!
Featuring: Walden Farms, Stacked Nutrition, Quest Nutrition,
Low Carb Bagels & Breads
207-241-8238
Average Loss Month One: 17.5 lbs
207-777-3223 • www.mendabody.net
Health Foods with skinny in mind.

Not to cause a panic but i'm starting to think we're running out of things to stuff inside
pizza crust.
MODERN WOODMEN
OF AMERICA
November 2015
Saturday, Nov 7th
Sabattus KC Bean Supper
4:30pm - 6pm (Chapter 12907)
Parish Hall 131 High St,
Sabattus $6 Member; $7 Guest
Sunday, Nov 8th
KC Breakfast 8am – 10am
(Chapter 7938)
Columbus Drive, Brunswick
$5 Mem; $6 G; Child / 10 free
Tuesday, Nov 10th
Luiggi’s 4pm – 7pm
(Chapter 14437)
63 Sabattus St, Lewiston
$4.50 Member; $5.50 Guest
Sunday, Nov 15th
Sabattus KC Turkey Dinner
Noon-Sharp (Chapter 8609)
Our Lady of The Rosary Church,
Sabattus $6.50 Mem; $7 Guest
Wednesday, Nov 18th
Schemengees 4pm -7pm
(Chapter 12749)
551 Lincoln St, Lewiston
$8 Member; $9 Guest
Saturday, Nov 21st
KC Sacred Heart Bean Supper
4:30pm - 5:30pm
8 Sacred Heart Place, Auburn
$5 Member; $6 Guest
November 21st - 28th
Feztival of Trees - see schedule
(Chapter 10929)
Kora Shriner's Temple,
11 Sabattus, Lewiston
$1 Member
Tuesday, Nov 24th
Roy's Breakfast 7am - 10am
(Chapter 10589)
Washington St, Auburn
$3 Member; $4 Guest
Thomas to Jimbo: My idea of flirting is giving a girl 1 of my 10 tacos.
TICKETS ARE LIMITED – NO RE-
TURNS & NO REFUNDS ALLOWED
Prices, Dates and Menu are subject to
change. If additional info is needed,
please call our office, please do not call
restaurants. All activities can only be
attended at the times listed.
*************************
Tickets need to be purchased at the
Modern Woodmen District Office,
184 Webster Street, Lewiston for all
activities and can only be picked up the
week prior to the activity, Mon – Thurs
9am - 4pm & Friday 9am - Noon
(excluding Holidays). Call 782-1833.

UNCLE ANDY’S DIGEST
is published by the first
Friday of every month by Maine
Mountain Ocean Group, Inc.
with offices at 9 Grove Street,
Auburn, Maine, USA.
It is distributed free throughout
Central Maine and mailed to
subscribers all over the Free
World. Subscriptions are
$30/year. Send a check made out
to UNCLE ANDY’S DIGEST to:
PO Box 3363, Auburn, ME 04212
UncleAndysDigest.com
Office: 207-783-7039
Fax: 207-777-3898
UAD Super Heroes
SPIDY
TIM
HULK
SMASH
THOMAS
CAPTAIN
JIMBO
People who write "u" instead of "you". What do you do with all the time you save?
AFFORDABLE DENTURES
Poorly fitting or broken dentures repaired
on-site, usually same-day service!
Also see us for:
• Full Dentures
• Immediate Dentures
• Partial Dentures
• Rebases
• Relines
• Repairs
• All work done in house,
Like our name implies, we’ll make you Smile Again!
We now offer Citi Health Card • Most Dental Insurances Accepted
We also accept Credit & Debit Cards • Not a MaineCare Provider
FREE CONSULTATIONS
including metal frameworks
BATGIRL
TRACY
WONDER
WOMAN
PAM
SMILE AGAIN DENTURES
801 Webster Street, Lewiston
514-0660
SmileAgainDentures.com
Or email us at:
smileagaindentures@gmail.com
Mike & Joe
Adkins,
licensed
denturists
While Uncle Andy’s Digest tries very hard to
ensure the accuracy of the information in our
client’s advertisements and our publication in
general, we are not responsible for vendor
availability, typographical errors, technical inaccuracies,
product pricing errors, or omissions.
Uncle Andy’s Digest
4
November 2015
...with
Jimbo
783-7039
Tim to Jimbo: Worked out for 30 minutes this morning. I did a push up.

You shouldn't do that! You're an idiot! Hang on, I'm coming with you.
MATT LEONARD
for Ward 1 City Council, Auburn
Thank You
for Your
Support!
Authorized by the Candidate and Paid for by Matt Leonard for Ward 1 City Council
If it ain’t broke, I haven’t borrowed it yet.
A Leg Up
Submitted by Jimbo
An industrious local
turkey farmer was always
experimenting
with breeding to perfect
a better turkey.
His family was fond of
the leg portion for dinner
and there were
never enough legs for
everyone.
After many frustrating
attempts, the farmer
was relating the results
of his efforts to his
friends at the general
store get together.
"Well I finally did it! I
bred a turkey that has
6 legs!"
They all asked the
farmer how it tasted.
"I don’t know" said the
farmer. "I never could
catch the darn thing!
NOW
OPEN!
The Elsherif Family Welcomes You
to the Auburn IHOP
Grandma: What would
you like for dessert,
Timmy?
Timmy: Pumpkin pie!
Grandma: Pumpkin
pie, what, dear? Say
the magic word.
Timmy: I'm sorry,
Grandma. Pumpkin
pie, abracadabra!
IHOP Auburn, Maine
American Restaurant
649 Turner St. Auburn • 330-7081
Open 7 Days a week
7am-10pm
The Dentist says,
"When was the last
time you flossed?"
The Patient replies,
"You should know, you
were there!"
Smartphones are pacifiers for adults.
Uncle Andy’s Digest
...with
Jimbo
November 2015 UncleAndys.com 5

Out ’n About
with the
Brenda Fontaine
Family Team &
Cans for a Cure
There are some people you'll never see again, but they're never the right ones.
Eat, Drink & Be Family!
Brenda Fontaine
helps fill the van with cans
Jeff, I have
no idea how many cans
we got, but I’m sure it’s
gonna put us over the
top!
Live Music Lineup!
Fri. Nov. 6 Shady Lady
Sat.Nov. 7 The Veggies
Fri. Nov. 13 Continential Shakedown
Sat. Nov. 14 Whiskey Militia
Fri. Nov. 20 Ron Bergeron
Sat. Nov. 21 The Veggies
Fri. Nov. 27 4 Play
All shows
8:30-12:30
Sat. Nov. 28 Niki Hunt Band
207 American Grille • 34 Court Street, Auburn • 207-344-3201
Only 100 steps from the parking garage!
Join Us for
Thanksgiving Dinner
11:30 – 4pm
Adults $ 20.00 • Seniors $ 15.00
Children 10yrs & under $ 10.00
Sun. – Wed. 11am-11pm
Thurs – Sat 11am-1am
Even my fortune cookies just roll their eyes at me now.
Lori Voornas &
Bill Bergeron
Lori calls into the Q (Q97.9
morning show) to report how
many cans they came up
with at the Fontaine’s office.
Rob Moon &
Marie Beaulieu
smile for the camera at the annual
cans for a cure fundraiser.
Kicking cancer
in the can!
2015
“Team Cans”
The Fontaine Family Team
make it an annual event to
participate in the “Cans For A
Cure” where they collect returnables
to help the folks at
Q97.9 meet their goal. All the
proceeds benefit the Maine
Cancer Foundation and the
Cancer Community Center to
help fight breast cancer.
The Portland based radio
station, The Q (Q97.9) lead
the charge. Morning hosts
Lori Voornas and Jeff Parsons
yuck it up, promoting
Breast Cancer Awareness
month and kicking cancer in
the can!
Cudos to the Fontaine
Family team, whose van was
overflowing with cans from
all the donations they
received.
Uncle Andy’s Digest
6
November 2015
...with
Jimbo
783-7039
Could you take a couple steps back. I have a nut allergy.

Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather. I am wearing a house.
Out ’n About at
207 American
Grille
Strike a pose?
Ok, how’s this?
Ashley Belanger
bartender
I’m FINALLY
in the Digest!
YAH!!
Brittni Jeen Foss,
Tim Rucker &
Timberly Muncey
Teacher: "Why do we
have a Thanksgiving
holiday?"
Student: "So we
know when to start
Christmas shopping!"
My superpower is making people laugh. Which would be great if I was trying to be funny.
Uncle Andy’s Digest
...with
Jimbo
November 2015 UncleAndys.com 7

Answered
Prayer
Submitted by Jimbo
Introverts have fun too, we just don't care if you know.
A pastor had a kitten
that climbed up a tree
in his backyard and
then was afraid to
come down. The pastor
coaxed, offered
warm milk, etc. The
kitty would not come
down. The tree was not
sturdy enough to climb,
so the pastor decided
that if he tied a rope to
his car and drove away
so that the tree bent
down, he could then
reach up and get the
kitten. He did all this,
checking his progress
in the car frequently,
then figured if he went
just a little bit further,
the tree would be bent
sufficiently for him to
reach the kitten. But as
he moved a little further
forward... the rope
broke.
The tree went "boing!"
and the kitten instantly
sailed through the air -
out of sight. The pastor
felt terrible. He walked
all over the neighborhood
asking people if
they'd seen a little kitten.
Nobody had seen
a stray kitten.
So, he prayed, "Lord, I
just commit this kitten
to your keeping," and
went on about his business.
A few days later he
was at the grocery
store, and met one of
his church members.
(continued on next page)
Uncle Andy’s Digest
8
November 2015
...with
Jimbo
783-7039
No I can't prove it, but I'm pretty sure dragons and unicorns don't believe in you either.

And in preparation for takeoff we'd like to ask you to pretend to put your phones
in airplane mode.
Weddings • Reunions • Christmas Parties & More
Professional
service at an
affordable
price
No job too big or too small!
2B or not 2B, That is the pencil.
Call Us Today for a Free Quote
207-345-9009
(continued from previous page)
He happened to look
into her shopping cart
and was amazed to
see cat food. Now this
woman was a cat hater
and everyone knew it,
so he asked her, "Why
are you buying cat food
when you hate cats so
much?"
She replied, "You won't
believe this," and told
him how her little girl
had been begging her
for a cat, but she kept
refusing. Then a few
days before, the child
had begged again, so
the Mom finally told her
little girl, "Well, if God
gives you a cat, I'll let
you keep it." She told
the pastor, "I watched
my child go out in the
yard, get on her knees,
and ask God for a cat.
And really, Pastor, you
won't believe this, but I
saw it with my own
eyes. A kitten suddenly
came flying out of the
blue sky, with its paws
spread out, and by the
grace of God, landed
right in front of her!"
Forethought
Submitted by Thomas Hill
After Thanksgiving
dinner was finished,
Mort saw his little
brother Sid in the
backyard, poking holes
in the dirt and filling
them in with birdseed.
"Why are you planting
birdseed?" Mort asked.
www.pelletierskarate.com 207.786.3731
Glad I'm not a general, because auto-correct just changed "lunch order"
to "launch order."
"I'm growing next
year's turkey," Sid
replied.
Uncle Andy’s Digest
...with
Jimbo
November 2015 UncleAndys.com 9

Out ’n About
at the
Franco Center
I traveled
from Tuscon for a
picture with this
guy!*
Sometimes we do things because seeing others smile makes it all worth it.
Now Serving Beer,
Wine & Spirits
New Fall Menu,
Full Breakfast,
Lunch, Dinner,
Burgers & More!!
Tim Rucker &
John Sharpton
*Truth be told, John came
to Maine to buy a subscription
to get the Digest
delivered to his home
every month!**
Everyone,
this is my
Daddy!
49 Spring Street, Auburn • 207-784-2300
Hours: Mon, Tues, Wed. 7am - 4pm; Thurs & Fri 7am - 9pm; Sat 8am - 9pm
Happy Hour
4-6pm
Serving Dinner
Thurs. - Sat.
4-9pm
We have Buyers Searching NOW in the Following Areas:
Lewiston/Auburn - Ranch style homes w/garage
Minot/Poland - 3+ bedroom 2 bath home on 2+ acres
Turner/Leeds/Greene - 2-3 bedroom starter home
$150-$225K range
$250-$300K range
$125-$150K range
If you know someone who wants to sell a home that fits the above descriptions, call us TODAY!
Marnie DuBois
207-344-3230
195 Center St. • Auburn • DuBoisRealtyGroup.net
Brian DuBois
Uncle Andy’s Digest
10
November 2015
Great
performance,
honey!
Angelic!!
Rebekah Leonard
with her dad,
John Sharpton
**Ok, the real truth... John
came to Maine to visit his
beautiful little girl, Rebekah.
John said, “Meeting
Tim was just one of
the many highlights on
this trip.”
...with
Jimbo
783-7039
24 Mollison Way, Lewiston • 786-2695
215 Whitten Rd., Hallowell • 623-600
*Androscoggin Chamber Members*
Book Your Holiday Party Here &
Receive a 10% Discount!
24 Mollison Way • Lewiston • 786-2695 • www.sparetimerec.com
The only thing I hate more than having a dirty house is cleaning.
Now taking
reservations
for New Year’s
Eve Parties!

Because Business Should Lead To Abundance
Own your
own business?
Want to make
it better?
Call us.
NEXTLevelBusinessCoaching.biz
207-754-2003
Because Business Should Lead To Abundance

The reason why I hate mornings so much is that they start while I’m still sleeping.
Paul Baribault
Inspiring kids to become
not just eager readers but
eager writers is the goal of
Sleepyheadbooks.com, a
new online booksite by local
writer and playwright Paul
Baribault. Its mission statement,
“Inspiring a child to
love writing is as easy as…
telling dreams,” is drawn
from the title of the site’s featured
book, Sleepyheads –
Telling Dreams, now available
as a Kindle reader at
Amazon.
The mind is a wonderful thing: it wakes up when you do and falls asleep
when you reach the office.
Its cover and chapter illustrations,
by local artist and
Brunswick teacher, Rik Belanger,
are in a class of their
own. “Our dreams are a
deep source of imagery and
story potential,’ believes the
author. “And energetic writing
can paint images that engage
children through to a
book’s finish – and hopefully,
these ten connected tales
will inspire them to think of
their own dreams as a wonderful
starting point towards
better, more engaged writing.”
The plot twists at the end of
Sleepyheads (one especially)
will leave readers of
all ages pleased with the
"OMG" variety of surprise
one hopes to experience in
all storytelling. Three
reader’s theater books for
the classroom, derived from
Hans Christian Andersen
classic short stories, will also
be available soon at Sleepyheadbooks.com.
BK Auto
Full Service Garage • Quality Pre-owned Vehicles • New & Used Tires
Complete Restorations • State Inspection Station • Pipe Bending • Custom Exhaust
2004 Saturn Ion
Now: $ 3,250
1992 Dodge D350 V12
Now: $ 4,950
New Tire Special
215/65/16*
Firestone Winterforce (4)
$
528.20 Installed
Studding available $20 per tire
*All major tire brands and sizes available.
2290 Hallowell Road, Litchfield • 207-268-2163 • capt1022@yahoo.com
Uncle Andy’s Digest
12
November 2015
...with
Jimbo
783-7039
I need to get up – my coffee needs me.

“Every Thanksgiving I’m thankful I decided to wait until New Years to start my diet.”
– Melanie White
Out ’n About
at the
Franco Center
I was told
Hugo Stiglitz would
be here!
Sandy Marquis
“The Pilgrims had amazing foresight to invent Thanksgiving and football
on the same day.” – Greg Tamblyn
Check out
our super fun event
coming up this month...
see page 29!
Open Year Round
894 Minot Avenue • Auburn
Mon - Fri 10am – 7pm; Sat - Sun 10am – 8pm
We’ve Got Your
Holiday Needs
Covered!
• Gift Certificates
• Shipping
• Platters
• Catering*
*including delivery for up
to 100, call for details.
777-5871 • www.macsdowneastseafood.com
I'm not lazy... I'm just energy star compliant.
Mitch Thomas &
Rebekah Leonard
Mitch is the Executive Director
of the Franco Center.
Rebekah is a versatile
singing talent new to the
L/A area.
Uncle Andy’s Digest
...with
Jimbo
November 2015 UncleAndys.com 13

Out ’n About at
IHOP Grand
Opening
in Auburn
I’d like to stay
and eat more but
Denise has me on a
limited budget.
"This is your captain speaking, AND THIS IS YOUR CAPTAIN SHOUTING."
Find Us at Our NEW,
EXPANDED Location!
23 Brickyard Circle, Auburn
24 Hour
Emergency Service
Bob Morin
Man,
I do good
work!
EMERGENCY RESPONSE
• Water Damage
• Fire/Soot/Smoke
Damage
• Mold Remediation
• Odor Removal
COMMERCIAL CLEANING
• Carpets -
Commercial & Residential
• Hard Surface Floors
• Tile and Grout
• Post Construction
Cleaning
Bruce Helmuth
TempSetters
Bruce was the mechanical
contractor for the
IHOP project.
Uncle Andy’s Digest
14
November 2015
...with
Jimbo
783-7039
ServiceMaster Fire & Water Restoration
29 Brickyard Circle, Auburn
(800) 244-7630 • 539-4452
www.smfireandwater.com • www.smcarpetcleaning.com
What's the best thing about Switzerland? I don't know, but their flag is a huge plus.

The older I get, the earlier it gets late.
Don’t spend $18 + at the beauty salon, get your...
Mens & Boys CUTS for only
All day – Every day! Walk-ins welcome.
Flat Tops - Fades - Mohawks - Mens & Boys Regular Cuts
Since 1963
Marcel’s Barber
Shop
54 Mill Street, New Auburn • 783-3444
OPEN: Tues-Fri 7:30am - 5:30pm; Sat 7:30am - 2pm
$
12
Out ’n About at
IHOP Grand
Opening
in Auburn
Why YES,
I am single!
LOL!!
Gift
Certificates
Available!
We Offer Unique Gifts for that Special
Someone for Christmas & All Year!
785 Main St. Lewiston
(just past Marden’s on the right) Plenty of parking!
Visit EllieAnnaPurses.com or Facebook for extended
holiday shopping hours!
Hours: Tues. Wed. Fri. 10am-5pm
Thurs. 2pm-7pm Sat. 11am-4pm
Zach Bean
General Manager at
IHOP
See their ad on page 5.
Curfew
Submitted by Jimbo
This young man was
elated when he turned
eighteen in a state
where curfew is 11:00
p.m. for anyone under
seventeen years of
age.
He told his Dad how
happy he was that now
he could stay out until
3:00 a.m. if he wanted.
Did Noah include termites on the ark?
"Yes you can stay out
as late as you want,
but the car is under
seventeen and it has to
be in the garage by
eleven," his father said.
Uncle Andy’s Digest
...with
Jimbo
November 2015 UncleAndys.com 15

Out ’n About at the
New Auburn
Social Club
When learning from experience, you never graduate.
Accent your Occasion, Function, Team, Group or Event with Printed Apparel!
Get Your FREE
Quote Today!
Aaron & Lisa
I was told
showing up in the
Digest brought fame and
fortune... If I can only
get one I’ll take the
latter!
Where Service and Quality
make a difference!
207-576-3210
GRAPHICEXPLOSION.COM
Book Your Holiday Parties Now!
Think outside the box - have an open
air photo booth at your next event!
Save 20%
when you mention
this ad!
Dave & Emily
gingersnaprentals.com
gingersnaprentals@gmail.com 619-2454
Dave can have
the fortune, I’ll take
the fame thank you
very much!
Any Make... Any Model... Any Problem...
NO PROBLEM!
• Appointments required
• Fully warranteed & certified
• $60/hr labor rate
Brad’s Precision Auto
144 Riverside Dr., Auburn
Happy Thanksgiving
from the whole Gang!
Uncle Andy’s Digest
16
Dennis & Deanna
November 2015
...with
Jimbo
783-7039
333-0364 L to R: Dan, John, Eli, Marek & Mallory
I had my driver's test the other day. I got 8 out of 10. The other 2 guys jumped clear.

You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
Anger; the feeling that makes your mouth work faster than your mind.
HUNGRY?
Let Dad do the cookin’!
This Holiday Season
Best Seafood Restaurant
Ten years in a row.
Award Winning Chowder
Family Owned
for 3 Generations
165 High Street, Auburn • 782-7796
Open Tuesday - Sunday • villageinnmaine.com
FREE
COFFEE FRIDAY!
Free 20 oz. coffee with purchase
of Breakfast Sandwich
every Friday.
We’re thankful for You, our customers!
Gift cards
make a great gift!
HOURS:
Sun. Tues. Wed.
11am - 8pm
Thurs. Fri. Sat.
11am - 9pm
Closed Mon.
Over 200 menu
items to choose
from!
November
Special
Small
Cheese
Pizza
$
5
Expires 11.30.15
There’s NO PLACE like...
Dad’s Place
23 Pleasant Street, Mechanic Falls • 345-5551 • DadsPlace.info
Time may be a great healer but it's also a lousy beautician.
Mixed Breed
Submitted by Thomas Hill
In a dog park in a very
chic Manhattan neighborhood,
three dogs
get together to chat,
and the subject of what
breed they are comes
up.
The first dog says,
"well, my mother was a
cocker spaniel and my
father was a poodle, so
I'm a Cockapoo. We're
very trendy."
The second dog puts
his nose in the air and
says, "Well, that's nice.
Personally, my father
was a purebred pug
and my mother was an
award-winning beagle,
making me a Puggle.
We're the latest thing
in L.A."
The third dog looks
very uncomfortable
and starts trying to
change the subject.
"Come on, just tell us,"
the other dogs keep
saying. Finally, he
gives in.
"Well, my father was a
Bull Terrier and my
mother was a Shi
Tzu..."
Pilgrim Jimbo:
I see thee cleaning
hunting gear for the
morrow. Dost thou plan
on hunting bear?
Pilgrim Thomas:
Certainly not, Jimbo. I
am shocked that thou
would suggest it. I shall
wear clothing as usual!
Uncle Andy’s Digest
...with
Jimbo
November 2015 UncleAndys.com 17

Employee Awards
for the Uncle
Andy’s Digest
Delivery Staff
Why does night fall but never break and day break but never fall?
Mike Dudley
Part of the Uncle Andy’s Digest
delivery staff for 10 Years!
Jimbo,
as spokesperson
for this group, I
approve this
event!
Aaron Ward
Part of the Uncle Andy’s Digest
delivery staff for 5 Years!
Rosie Wallace
Part of the Uncle Andy’s Digest
delivery staff for 1 Year!
Uncle Andy’s Digest
18
November 2015
...with
Jimbo
783-7039
Oops. My brain just hit a bad sector.

Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population.
12 Beers on Tap
DJ w/Karaoke
Full Pub Menu
Open Mic
Pool Tables
8 TV’s
Dart Boards
LIVE Entertainment
“Water” Pong
Band Schedule
Nov. 7th
PERPETUAL
MOOD SWING
Nov. 14th
BRAZEN
CANE
Nov. 28th
NORTHERN
GROVE
128 Lewiston Rd. Mechanic Falls • 345-7040
Wed. 60¢ wings & Open Mic
Thurs & Fri. DJ w/ Karaoke • Sat. Live Band
Sunday 12 - 9pm; Monday - Saturday 4pm - 1am
Check
Us Out on
Facebook!
Employee Awards
for the Uncle
Andy’s Digest
Delivery Staff
I love my new
T-shirt!
Thank you!!
Chris Salley
Part of the Uncle Andy’s Digest
delivery staff for 1 Year!
It's bad luck to be superstitious.
Strategic Planning Committee
I’d rather be
golfing...
Can we do
this again next
month?
Derek Leeman
Uncle Andy’s Digest delivery
staff Rookie Award!
Delivering
is hard work... can
I get some more
pizza?
The Digest Delivery
specialists support staff
My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. He was right—I feel ten years
older already.
Chris Call
Part of the Uncle Andy’s Digest
delivery staff for 10 Years!
Uncle Andy’s Digest
...with
Jimbo
November 2015 UncleAndys.com 19

Night of
Thanksgiving
Submitted by Thomas Hill
'Twas the night of
Thanksgiving,
but I just couldn't
sleep...
I tried counting
backwards,
I tried counting sheep.
The leftovers beckoned...the
dark meat
and white,
but I fought the temptation
with all of my
might.
Tossing and turning
with anticipation,
the thought of a snack
became infatuation.
So, I raced to the
kitchen, flung open the
door
and gazed at the
fridge, full of goodies
galore.
I gobbled up turkey
and buttered potatoes,
stuffing with gravy,
green beans and
tomatoes.
I felt myself swelling so
plump and so round,
till all of a sudden, I
rose off the ground.
I crashed through the
ceiling, floating into the
sky
with a mouthful of
pudding and a handful
of pie.
Uncle Andy’s Digest
20
But, I managed to yell
as I soared past the
trees...
Happy eating to all --
pass the cranberries,
please.
November 2015
...with
Jimbo
783-7039
We are now accepting donations
of NEW Hats & Mittens to be
given to local children
If procrastination was an Olympic sport, I'd compete in it later.
Celebrating Our 1st Anniversary!
Join Us November 11th
Customer Appreciation
Raffles & Give-a-ways!
232 Center St, Auburn • 207-753-9368 • Walk-ins Welcome
HOURS: Tues – Thurs 9am - 7pm; Fri 9am - 5pm; Sat 9am - 12pm
ALIGNMENT SPECIAL
1/2 PRICE
ALIGNMENT
with purchase of 4 tires!
$
34.99 Savings!
Expires 11.30.15
Affordable Oral Health Care
Cleaning Special!
Buy 1 Get 1 50% OFF
137 East Ave, Lewiston • 207-241-0667
www.sassevillehealthysmile.com
2nd Year Anniversary
Customer Appreciation Week
Sat. Nov. 7 th - Thurs. Nov. 12 th
Prizes • Give-a-ways • Raffles • Refreshments
Hours: Mon & Thurs. 8am-7pm; Wed. 8am-Noon; Sat. 8am-1pm
Quality Care Auto • 183 Lisbon Street, Lisbon
207-353-9862 • www.QCA.me
L/A, we’re worth
the drive! We’re
5 minutes from
the Ramada.
How is being at a singles bar different from going to the circus?
At the circus, the clowns don't talk.
Lisa-Marie Sasseville

If every day is a gift, I'd like a receipt for Monday. I want to exchange it for another Friday.
...to our
community
for all of the
support!
Mon-Sat 7am-9pm; Sun 10am-8pm
Locally Owned
& Operated
600 Turner Street, Auburn • 784-3434 • heidisauburn.com
Everyone has a friend who laughs funnier than he jokes.
Stop in and enter
to win throughout
November!
• Tickets to Fighting
Spirit Hockey games
• $15 Heidi’s Gift Cards
• Photo Finish Holiday
Greeting Cards
• $25 Gift Card to
Ann’s Flower Shop
• TWO GRAND PRIZE
WINNERS will each
win $50 Heidi’s Gift
Cards
~ Medical Micro-Needling ~
Golfing
Etiquette
Submitted by Jimbo
A man staggers into an
emergency room with
two black eyes and a
five iron wrapped
tightly around his
throat.
Naturally the doctor
asks him what happened.
"Well, it was
like this," said the man.
"I was having a quiet
round of golf with my
wife when she sliced
her ball into a pasture
of cows.
"We went to look for it
and while I was rooting
around, I noticed one
of the cows had something
white at its rear
end.
"I walked over and
lifted up the tail and
sure enough, there
was my wife's golf ball
-- stuck right in the
middle of the cow's
butt. That's when I
made my mistake."
"What did you do?"
asks the doctor.
Before treatment 2 weeks after 4 weeks after
Medical Micro-Needling treats wrinkles, age spots, scars and stretch
marks. This revolutionary treatment is now available right here in
Auburn!
Give us a
call to learn
more!
*Actual client with true results.
Also offering:
Skin Rejuvenation
Tattoo Removal
I-Lipo Treatments
Botox & Juvederm & More!
250 Center St, Auburn • Suite 206 (above Cosmo Prof) • 207-333-3069 • yourbestskinofmaine.com
Everything becomes 100 times louder when you're trying not to wake someone up.
"Well, I lifted the tail
and yelled to my wife,
'Hey, this looks like
yours!'"
"Thanksgiving dinners
take eighteen hours to
prepare. They are consumed
in twelve minutes.
Half-times take
twelve minutes. This is
not coincidence."
– Erma Bombeck
Uncle Andy’s Digest
...with
Jimbo
November 2015 UncleAndys.com 21

Out ’n About at
Sea 40 with the
Chamber
for their business after
hours event
Rosie & James
Moreau
Maine Family Credit Union
She wanted a puppy. But I didn't want a puppy. So we compromised and got a puppy.
November 28 th Only!
Sales - Service - Installation
Mention this ad in the store and get:
(207)786-4256
1057 Sabattus Street, Lewiston
20% OFF Spa Chemicals* www.rickssimmingpools.com
Follow Us For More
30% OFF Pool Toys & Floats* Information!
*Exclusions apply. See store for details
Out ’n About at Sea 40 with the Chamber
Dan St. Pierre
Commander of American
Legion Post 153 in Auburn
Marcel Gagne, Tracey Steuber, Matt Shaw,
Deborah Conway & Tim Rucker
Chamber Ambassadors
600 Center St. • Shaw’s Plaza, Auburn • 784-6766 • www.DaysJewelers.com
Carol White-
St.Pierre
Notary Public at American
Legion Post 153 in Auburn
Since 1914
Watch Battery Special!
All batteries
Only
$
1 .00
Limit one watch
battery per coupon
Home of Maine’s LARGEST Diamond Selection
Uncle Andy’s Digest
22
November 2015
...with
Jimbo
783-7039
Never laugh at your girlfriends choices... you’re one of them.

I eat my tacos over a Tortilla. That way when stuff falls out, BOOM, another taco.
Out ’n About at
Sea 40 with the
Chamber
for their business after
hours event
Jeff, is it true?
Your little girl stomped
you in a race walking
competition?
Outvoted 1-1 by my wife again.
Celebrating Our 1st Anniversary!
December 10th
Food & Drink Specials • Live Entertainment
Tons of Give-a-ways!
Chris Conant
Selco
Well,
in my defense,
she is on Team USA’s
race walking team.
And damn, is she
fast!
Book Your
Holiday Party
with Us!
Call Now!
103 Lincoln Street, Lewiston • 333-3070 • railsmaine.com
Tuesday - Thursday 11am - 8pm; Friday & Saturday 11am - 9pm
I'm great at multitasking. I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.
Jeff Allen
Selco
Uncle Andy’s Digest
...with
Jimbo
November 2015 UncleAndys.com 23

One Day
Submitted by Thomas Hill
On Thanksgiving Day, all over America, families sit down to dinner at the same moment,
halftime.
A politician dies and
ends up standing in
front of the pearly
gates. Saint Peter
looks at him for a second,
flicks through his
book, and finds his
name.
"So, you're a politician."
"Well, yes, is that a
problem?"
"Oh no, no problem.
But we've recently
adopted a new system
for people in your line
of work, and unfortunately
you will have to
spend a day in Hell.
After that however,
you're free to choose
where you want to
spend eternity!"
"Wait, I have to spend
a day in Hell?!" says
the politician.
"Those are the rules,"
replies St Peter, clicks
his fingers, and
WOOMPH, the guy
disappears. He
awakes, curled up with
his hands over his
eyes, knowing he's in
Hell. Cautiously, he listens
for the screams,
sniffs the air for brimstone,
and finds...
Nothing. Just the smell
of, is that fabric softener?
And cut grass,
this can't be right?
"Open your eyes!" says
a voice. "C'mon, wakey
wakey, we've only got
(continued on next page)
Uncle Andy’s Digest
24
November 2015
...with
Jimbo
783-7039
"An optimist is a person who starts a new diet on Thanksgiving Day." – Irv Kupcinet

Autumn: Time to drag out your winter clothes and see what kind of summer fun
the moths had.
Kayla Rioux
Dental Assistant
Dr. Michelle L. Mazur-Kary
DDS, MPH
Your Root Canal
Specialist!
Erin Brown
Practice Manager
Central Maine Endodontics is
pleased to announce the
opening of our second location
in Yarmouth, Maine. Patients
will receive the same great
care from board certified
Michelle L. Mazur-Kary, DDS,
MPH and her team. We look
forward to serving our great
patients in both communities.
219 Mt. Auburn Ave, Auburn ME 04210 • 10 Forest Falls DR. Unit 5, Yarmouth ME 04096
783-1671 • 888-330-9600 • Fax: 783-3717
email: cendodontics@roadrunner.com • www.centralmaineendodontics.com
It's fall, that time when the colors change form green to red to gold, and that's just the
gunk in your swimming pool.
Rolly’s Diner
Just good cookin’ and plenty of it!
Breakfast & Lunch
Specials Daily
We always
get treated like
family!
Norm, they
treat everyone
like family!
• Unusual Omelettes
• Crepes
• Breakfast All Day
• Extensive Menu
87 Mill St.
New Auburn
753-0171
(for take-out)
(continued from previous page)
24 hours!" Nervously,
he uncovers his eyes,
looks around, and sees
he's in a hotel room. A
nice one too. Wait, this
is a penthouse suite...
And there's a smiling
man in a suit, holding a
martini. "Who are
you?" the politician
asks.
"Well, I'm Satan!" says
the man, handing him
the drink and helping
him to his feet. "Welcome
to Hell!"
"Wait, this is Hell?
But... Where's all the
pain and suffering?" he
asks.
Satan throws him a
wink. "Oh, we've been
a bit misrepresented
over the years, it's a
long story. Anyway, this
is your room! The minibar
is of course free,
as is the room service,
there's extra towels
next to the hot-tub, and
if you need anything,
just call reception. But
enough of this! It's a
beautiful day, and if
you'd care to look
outside."
Slightly stunned by the
opulent surroundings,
the man wanders over
to the floor-to-ceiling
windows through which
the sun is glowing,
looks far down, and
sees a group of people
cheering and waving at
him from a golf course.
Norm & Maggie Blais
Rolly’s in-laws
Mon – Sat 5 am – 2 pm
Sunday 7 am – noon
"It's one of 5 pro-level
courses on site, and
(continued on next page)
Autumn is a season for big decisions, like whether or not it's too late to start
spring cleaning.
Uncle Andy’s Digest
...with
Jimbo
November 2015 UncleAndys.com 25

Uncle Andy’s Digest
26
November 2015
(continued on next page)
there's another 6 just a
few minutes drive out
past the beach and
harbor!" says Satan,
answering his unasked
question.
So they head down in
the lift, walk out
through the glittering
lobby where everyone
waves and welcomes
the man, as Satan
signs autographs and
cheerily talks shop with
the laughing staff. And
as he walks out, he
sees the group on the
golf course are made
up of every one of his
old friends, people he's
admired for years but
never met or worked
with, and people
whose work he's admired
but died long before
his career started.
Out of the middle of
this group walks his
wife, with a massive
smile and the body she
had when she was 20,
who throws her arms
around him and plants
a delicate kiss on his
cheek. Everyone
cheers and applauds,
and as they slap him
on the back and trade
jokes, his worst enemy
arrives, as a 2 foot tall
goblin-esque caddy.
He spends the day in
the bright sunshine on
the course, having the
time of his life laughing
at jokes and carrying
important discussions,
putting the world to
rights with his friends
while holding his delighted
wife next to him
(continued on next page)
...with
Jimbo
783-7039
"Thanksgiving, man. Not a good day to be my pants." – Kevin James
Be Prepared, Snow’s Coming!
Call Today for all your Commercial
Plowing & Maintenence needs!
Call Dustin Today!
207-577-8756
Carrier Lawn & Landscape
Walkways • Patios • Driveways • Landscaping • Property Maintenence
207-577-8756 • CarrierLandscape.com • Dustin@CarrierLandscape.com
The most important stakeholder in you life is You.
Exothermic Technology • Ammonia and PPD Free
Pure Organic Essences and Keratin
Sarah Jeanne’s
Family Hair Care, Day Spa & Tanning
Suit & Tuxedo Sales & Rental
77 Sabattus Street, Lewiston • SarahJeannes.com
795-6778
FREE Estimates!
Jump Start Your Holiday Shopping!
Holiday Special
• 120 Min. Tanning Package
• Womans Hair Cut
• One Process Color
• Eyebrow & Lip Wax
• 50% OFF Products
Retail $ 230
Holiday
Price $ 115
Buy a $50 Gift Card
and Receive a $10
Gift Card FREE!
Brian Saucier, LMT; Jane, Owner/Stylist; Sarah, Stylist;
& Nancy Marcotte, Stylist
“Thanksgiving is the home version of an “all-you-can-eat” buffet.” – Melanie White

To find the person you can truely trust, look no further that the nearest mirror.
Try us once, you’ll
be a regular!
$
5 .00 OFF
ANY 2 LARGE
PIZZAS
OPEN 7 Days 6am - 8pm
Daily Specials:
Monday: Ham Italian ...................sm. $1.59 lg. $2.59
Tuesday: 10” 1-topping Pizza ............................$3.99
Wednesday: Chicken Salad ..........................sm. $1.99
........................................................................lg. $3.49
Thursday: Bowl of Chili......................................$3.99
BLT .............................sm. $1.99 lg. $3.49
Friday: Tuna Italian ......................sm. $1.99 lg. $3.49
Saturday: Baked Beans ................qt. $3.59 pt. $2.59
Sunday: .................................$2.00 off any large pizza
For take-out, groceries, fresh meats, cold beer & more!
UAD Expires 11.30.15
SABATTUS
MAIN STREET MARKET
2 Main Street, Sabattus
375-8502
Try our awesome
food and it will be as much
a tradition as football
on Thanksgiving!
Good luck to all
area sports teams
in the playoffs!
We L OVE
supporting local!
I enjoy long walks to outlets where I can charge my devices.
(continued from previous page)
as she gazes lovingly
at him.
Later, they return to the
hotel for dinner and
have an enormous
meal, perfectly cooked.
As everyone is falling
about laughing and
flinging bread sticks at
each other, his wife
whispers in his ear...
And they return to their
penthouse suite, and
spend the rest of the
night making love like
they did on their honeymoon.
After hours of
passion, the man falls
into the 100% Egyptian
cotton pillows, and falls
into a deep and happy
sleep... and is woken
up by St. Peter.
"So, that was Hell.
Wasn't what you were
expecting, I bet?"
"No sir!" says the man.
"So then," says St.
Peter, "Make your
choice. It's Hell, which
you saw, or Heaven,
which has choral
singing, talking to God,
white robes, and so
on."
"Well... I know this
sounds strange, but on
balance, I think I'd prefer
Hell," says the
politician.
"Not a problem, we totally
understand!
Enjoy!" says St. Peter,
and clicks his fingers
again.
People in glass houses shouldn't throw surprise parties.
www.srcu4u.com
The man wakes up in
total darkness, the
(continued on next page)
Uncle Andy’s Digest
...with
Jimbo
November 2015 UncleAndys.com 27

(continued from previous page)
stench of ammonia filling
the air and distant
screams the only
noise. As he adjusts,
he can see the only
light is from belches of
flame far away, illuminating
the ragged remains
of people being
tortured or burning in a
sulphurous ocean. A
sudden bolt of lightning
reveals Satan next to
him, wearing the same
suit as before and grinning,
holding a soldering
iron in one hand
and a coil of razor-wire
in the other.
My wife's not too smart. I told her, our kids were spoiled.
She said, "All kids smell that way."
"What's this?" He cries.
"Where's the hotel? My
wife? The minibar, the
golf-courses, the pool,
the restaurant, the free
drinks and the sunshine?!"
"Ah," says Satan. "You
see, yesterday, we
were campaigning. But
today, you voted."
Didn’t Know That
Have you been ignoring this
feature?
Most aluminum foil boxes
have press-in tabs that secure
the roll in place, so you
don’t have worry about it flying
out every time you rip off
a sheet.
Uncle Andy’s Digest
28
November 2015
...with
Jimbo
783-7039
A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.

The dinner I was cooking for my family was going to be a surprise but the fire trucks
ruined it.
Out ’n About at
the FREE Hug
Station
with All About You during
the Dempsey Challenge
Leah Cross
lining up the free drinks of
lemonade and water to go
along with the free hugs.
Sydney Giambra, Paul
Jalbert & Abi Ramirez
routing on the participants
I sure
needed that!
Life is all about perspective. The sinking of the Titanic was a miracle to the lobsters
in the ship's kitchen.
Uncle Andy’s Digest
...with
Jimbo
November 2015 UncleAndys.com 29

Out ’n About at the
New Auburn
Social Club
The panic begins with the first one to say ‘Calm down!’
Rosie and drummer
from L-A Harley Band
Turkey Tryout
Submitted by Jimbo
The Patriots football
team had just finished
their daily practice session
when a large
turkey came strutting
onto the field.
While the players
gazed in amazement,
the turkey walked up to
Bill Belichick and
demanded a tryout.
Everyone stared in
silence as the turkey
caught pass after pass
and ran right through
the defense.
When the turkey
returned to the
sidelines, Coach Belichick
shouted, "You're
terrific!! Sign up for the
season, and I'll see to
it that you get a huge
bonus."
"Forget the bonus," the
turkey said, "All I want
to know is, does the
season go past
Thanksgiving Day?"
Uncle Andy’s Digest
30
November 2015
...with
Jimbo
783-7039
Two Convenient Locations:
831 Minot Ave, Auburn & 555 Sabattus St, Lewiston
207-783-2071
www.mainefamilyfcu.com
Be honest.. Do these cats make me look single?

"A sense of humor is needed armor. Joy in one's heart and some laughter on one's lips is a sign that the person
down deep has a pretty good grasp of life." – Hugh Sidey
NEW AUBURN SOCIAL CLUB
7 SECOND ST. AUBURN • 782-9039
THANKSGIVING
DINNER
Sunday, Nov. 22 nd
1:00pm
FREE- Members Only
MEMBERS
Join Us for
Football Sundays!
@ 1pm Free Snacks &
Late Lunch @ 4pm
Happy Hour for ALL Patriot
Games Kick-Off to halftime!
I'm all for going out to a social gathering but I draw a line at someone starting
a conversation with me.
No Parking
Happy Thanksgiving
from our family
to yours!
What are
you thankful
for?
Vegetarians!
I was driving around
and around a parking
garage in search of an
available space. Nothing.
Then I noticed a
couple walking ahead
of me. "Going out?" I
called to them.
"No," said the man.
"Just friends."
Mark, Deb & Dan
Good friends,
good times!
New Auburn
Social Club
ROCKS!
I would like to thank everybody that stuck by my side for those five long minutes my
house didn't have internet.
Uncle Andy’s Digest
...with
Jimbo
November 2015 UncleAndys.com 31

CALL THE PROS
COMPLETE MECHANICAL
REPAIR
State Inspections •
25 Fern Street, Turner
207-225-5012
Tires & Batteries •
Tune-ups & Brakes •
Engine Diagnostics •
Air Conditioning •
Complete Front End Work •
FREE Shuttle Service •
Audrey Martin
Independent Hair Stylist
240-2591
746 Main St, Ste 2, Lewiston • escadahairstudio.com
Harris Brothers Rubbish Removal
Dave J. Roy
782-9999
1-877-375-4888
dave@a1gutters.me
www.a1seamlessguttersmaine.com
70 Main St, South Paris 1-844-ME-TRASH
Residential~Commercial~Clean outs/Bulks
Serving Oxford Hills, Minot, Hebron, Poland, Bridgton,
Denmark, Naples, Lewiston & Auburn
GOT TRASH?
www.harrisbrothersrubbish.com
Join us for some Affordable FUN!
$
12 up to 48 cards - Games pay $ 50 - $ 100
LYAF
Sunday at 6:00PM
Wed., Thurs, & Friday
at 6:30PM
Pleasant Street Bingo Hall
475 Pleasant St., Lewiston • 777-1394
Blackie’s Farm
Fresh Produce
Open Year Round
966 Minot Ave, Auburn • 786-0005 • 6am - 8pm
Watch for our Christmas trees & wreaths
COMING SOON!
Your LOCAL Source for Janitorial
Cleaning & Maintenance Supplies
No Minimum Purchases!
Next Day Delivery in L/A
120 Mill St., Auburn • 1-800-439-WIPE • GoodmanWiper.com
Alternative Sprinkler
Fire Protection
Peace of Mind
is always included when you do
business with us!
Installation • Service • Inspections
Dan Banker • 207-838-8930
Nothing says' I love my dog' quite like spending more money on his haircut than you do your own.

CALL THE PROS
PLEASE SUPPORT OUR ADVERTISERS
Shop Small to build a better
neighborhood.
Shop Small Saturday
November 28, 2015
“For every $100 spent at local small businesses,
$68 returns to the community.”
– Civic Economics
LaBonte Financial Services
Tax Consultants & Advisors
• Affordable Monthly
Bookkeeping
• Accounts Receivables/Payables
• Bank Reconciliations
• General Ledgers
Bert LaBonte, CPA, MBA, MST
155 Center Street, Auburn
782-9500 • bglcpa@aol.com
Call
for FREE
Estimate!
Leone’s Junk Removal
RENT-A-DUMP
Scrap Metal Removal
FREE Estimates
Cleanouts
No job too small
or too big!
You Fill or we Fill
Call Shawn for a FREE quote 207-740-7002
Mainely Foot Care & Wellness
Kathy Long
BSc-Pod, Certified Podologist
Licensed Aesthetician
Certified Master Pedicurist
Certified Reflexologist
155 Center Street, Building C, Auburn
(207) 784-6699 or (207) 212-6699
www.mainelyfootcare.com
Rachel Larrivee Massage Therapy
Also offering on-site
services for the
workplace & home
183 Main Street, Lewiston
754.7707 • LewistonMassage.com
Is Your Heating
System in Need
of Repair?
Don’t wait until it’s too late!
CALL RAY TODAY!
Ray Hurilla Plumbing & Heating Co.
207-485-7357
RayHurillaPlumbingandHeating.com
Walk-ins Welcome
Color • Highlights • Perms • Razor Cuts
• Flat Tops • Fades • Regular Cuts
Senior Citizens Welcome
207-784-2545
26 Nickerson Ave, Auburn
(behind Great Falls Credit Union)
Connie Norton
I don't want you to feel like you can't express yourself, but I do want you to stop talking.

Last Minute
Submitted by Thomas Hill
“Turkey farmers look forward to Thanksgiving almost as much as the manufacturers
of Rolaids.” – Melanie White
It's the day before
Thanksgiving, and the
butcher is just locking
up when a man begins
pounding on the front
door.
"Please let me in,"
says the man desperately.
"I forgot to buy a
turkey, and my wife will
kill me if I don't come
home with one."
"Okay," says the
butcher. "Let me see
what I have left." He
goes into the freezer
and discovers that
there's only one
scrawny turkey left. He
brings it out to show
the man.
SUNDAY
Baked Ziti
$
6.00
THURSDAY
Mini Pizza
1 topping $
2.99
2 toppings $
3.99
Since 1953
Open Daily 9am - 10pm
MONDAY
The Fergy
sm $
2.50
lg $
5.00
LuiggisPizzeria.com
TUESDAY
Meatball Subs
WEDNESDAY
Spaghetti Dinners
1 meatball, salad,
sm $
3.35 w/ch $ 3.99
garlic bread, drink
lg $
6.50 w/ch $ 7.50 $
5.25
FRIDAY
$1.00 OFF
Any Large Pizza
SATURDAY
2 Ham or Salami
Italians
$
7.99
EVERY DAY: Regular Pizza with Drink $ 5.50
"That's one is too
skinny. What else you
got?" says the man.
The butcher takes the
bird back into the
freezer and waits a few
minutes and brings the
same turkey back out
to the man.
"Oh, no," says the
man, "That one doesn't
look any better.
You better give me
both of them!"
“We’re having something
different this year
for Thanksgiving.
Instead of a turkey,
we’re having a swan.
You get more stuffing.”
Uncle Andy’s Digest
34
– George Carlin
November 2015
...with
Jimbo
783-7039
Didaskaleinophobia is actually the fear of going to school.
CAMERON TIRE & SERVICE
Scooter
FAMILY OWNED & OPERATED SINCE 1983
THANK YOU!
to all Soldiers
& Veterans
We can do it:
• Wheel alignment
& balancing
• Complete brake
work
• Engine tune-up
• Lube-oil-filter
• State Inspections
60 Minot Ave., Auburn • 782-6666 or 783-2026
OUR TIRES
If you pronounce the names of products wrong while in an Apple Store,
the employees are not allowed to correct you.

Your immune system destroys at least one cell every day that would have become
cancer if it lived.
Out ’n About at
the FREE Hug
Station
with All About You during
the Dempsey Challenge
1175 Minot Ave, Auburn • 207-783-8548 • morrisontruck.net
Maybe girls
don’t have cooties
after all...
A cat can jump 7 times as high as it is tall.
A Holiday Tradition has Returned to the L/A area!
Whiting Farm is offering beautiful Poinsettias for the holiday season.
Pre-order yours today, don’t delay!
15 varieties available
6.5” pot $7.50 each
Order more than 11 @ $6.50 each
Hanging Baskets $24.99 each
876 Summer St, Auburn • 207-777-5129 • Email: kim.finnerty@jfmh.org
The first coin-operated vending machine dispensed holy water 2,000 years ago.
Uncle Andy’s Digest
...with
Jimbo
November 2015 UncleAndys.com 35

Hospitable
Submitted by Jimbo
Jolene was only eight
years old and lived way
out in the country with
her parents who rarely
entertained any visitors.
One day Jolene's
mother said that her father
was bringing two
guests home for
Thanksgiving supper.
After they had enjoyed
the turkey, Jolene went
to the kitchen to help
her mother. She
proudly brought out the
first piece of pumpkin
pie and gave it to her
father, who then
passed the plate to a
guest.
When Jolene came out
with the second piece
and gave it to her father,
he again gave it to
a guest. This was too
much for the little girl.
"It's no use, Daddy,"
she cried. "The pieces
are all the same size."
Please join
us in the
France was the first country to introduce the license plate.
2015 Christmas Giving Program
Every year we raise funds, goods and services in order to make sure children have warm
clothes, a nice meal and a fun gift for Christmas. We sponsor approximately 25 families; or 75-90
children! Each child receives a hat, pair of gloves, jacket, sweatshirt, blanket and a toy/gift. Each
family receives a food basket which includes a 20lb. turkey and all the fixings.
Please consider sponsoring a family or make a cash donation.
Any donations would be needed by Monday, November 30, 2015
For more information contact:
Sadie Landry
207-786-3731
s8ebug78@yahoo.com
Jamie Pelletier
207-777-3579
barkeep1800@yahoo.com
The purpose of dreaming is to help clean up the clutter from the mind and provide
a temporary relief from a stressful life.
Out ’n About at the Heart Walk with Community Credit Union
Three Feet
Submitted by Thomas Hill
Billy: I can't wait to go
to Grandma's for
Thanksgiving. My
cousin's going to be
there, and he has three
feet!
Willie: Wow! How'd
that happen?
Billy: I don't know. My
aunt wrote my parents
and said, "You won't
recognize little Howie.
He's grown another
foot."
Uncle Andy’s Digest
36
November 2015
...with
Jimbo
783-7039
Jeremy Carter, Christina Carter, Kierstyn Barnies, Jo-Ann Jackson,
Audrey Allaire, Michelle St. Hillaire & Catherine Ouellette
The cheetah is the only cat that cannot retract its claws.

I find a duck's opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
Come & Enjoy Our
Everyday Specials!
MONDAY
75¢ Wings
Cheeseburger Special
$
5.99
25oz domestic drafts $ 3.00
WEDNESDAY
Mexican Day
3 Beef Tacos $ 4.99
Thatcher’s Burrito $ 6.99
$
5 Well Margaritas
$
3 Coronas
FRIDAY
Fish & Chips
$
8.99
Fried Scallops
$
12.99
TUESDAY
75¢ Wings
Thatcher’s Burger
BBQ sauce, cheddar, caramelized onions
$
7.99
25oz domestic drafts $ 3.00
THURSDAY
Stuffed Peppers
$
5.99
$
4.00 microbrews
SATURDAY
Teriyaki tips $ 10.99
2 Hotdogs w/fries $ 4.99
$
3 Shipyard Pumkinhead
12oz cans
with Mashed
A place where
family & friends
gather for good food
& cheer at great prices!
782-2135
Mon. - Sat. 10:30am - 9pm
Sun. 11am - 5pm
SUNDAY
12” cheese pizza $ 5.99
$
5 Well Bloody Mary’s • $ 2 Bud/Bud Lt cans
Sometimes you have to go through the worst in order to get to the best.
FREE VETERANS LUNCH
The Auburn Exchange Club presents
the 6th Annual Salute to Veterans!
Please join us for a luncheon honoring all Veterans
When: Tuesday, November 10, 2015 at Noon
Where: The Green Ladle
(located on the Lewiston High School campus, 156 East Ave, Lewiston)
RSVP: by Friday, November 6th to John Reid at 207-777-3579
Special Guest Speaker: Colonel (Ret) Jack Mosher
This event is paid for by the Auburn Exchange Club and its sponsors.
The Janitor
Submitted by Thomas Hill
A salesman dropped in
to see a business customer.
Not a soul was
in the office except a
big dog emptying
wastebaskets. The
salesman stared at the
animal, wondering if
his imagination could
be playing tricks on
him. The dog looked
up and said, “Don't be
surprised. This is just
part of my job.”
“Incredible!” exclaimed
the man. “I can't believe
it! Does your boss
know what a prize he
has in you? An animal
that can talk!”
“No, no,” pleaded the
dog. “Please don't! If
he finds out I can talk,
he'll make me answer
the phone as well!”
Reunited
Submitted by Jimbo
"Hello Mrs. Frobisher"
said the bearded guy
behind the counter at
the bagel shop.
My husband and I
looked at him but drew
complete blanks. "I'm
sorry, do we know
each other?" I asked.
"Yeah, you was my
English teacher."
Leaning over, my husband
whispered,
"Good job, Honey,
good job."
Mount Everest has its own 3G wireless network.
Uncle Andy’s Digest
...with
Jimbo
November 2015 UncleAndys.com 37

Cat’s Heaven
Submitted by Thomas Hill
One day a cat dies of
natural causes and
goes to heaven. There
he meets the Lord
Himself. The Lord says
to the cat, "You lived a
good life and if there is
any way I can make
your stay in Heaven
more comfortable,
please let Me know."
When possums are playing 'possum', they are not "playing." They actually pass out from
sheer terror.
DOUBLE TROUBLE
at the Franco Center
The cat thinks for a
moment and says
"Lord, all my life I have
lived with a poor family
and had to sleep on a
hard wooden floor."
The Lord stops the cat
and says, "say no
more," and a wonderful
fluffy pillow appears.
A few days later 6 mice
are killed in a tragic
farming accident and
go to heaven. Again
there is the Lord there
to great them with the
same offer. The mice
answer, "All of our lives
we have been chased.
We have had to run
from cats, dogs and
even women with
brooms. We are tired
of running. Do you
think we could have
roller skates so we
don't have to run
anymore?"
PATTI GAGNE & TRACY DRAPER
We’re not sure which one, but one of them definitely swallowed the canary.
20 years, huh?
Wow!
. . . . . .
Uncle Andy’s Digest publishes
its first edition August 1996
Time flies
when...
We’ve come
along way,
baby!
August 2015 makes the start
of our 20th year!
The Lord says, "say no
more," and fits each
mouse with a beautiful
pair of roller skates.
About a week later the
Lord stops by to see
the cat and finds him
(continued on next page)
Uncle Andy’s Digest
38
November 2015
...with
Jimbo
783-7039
People who sleep just 6.5 to 7.5 hours a night tend to live longest.

The slang term “kiss my ass” dates back to the year 1705.
Dont be fooled
by Turkeys stuffed
with HIGH prices!
At The Shop You’ll Get
the Best Prices Around!
THANKSGIVING DRAWING
2 $ 50 .00 Gift Cards
Stop by to Enter
No purchase necessary
Drawing on 11/25/15
NOVEMBER
SPECIAL
Every Oil & Lube
done in Nov. will
be entered to win
a Turkey!
(drawing on 11/23/15)
23 Lisbon Street, • Lisbon/Lewiston line • 207-353-6100 • theshopclassicrestorations.com
(continued from previous page)
snoozing on the pillow.
The Lord gently wakes
the cat and asks him,
"How are things since
you are here?"
The cat stretches and
yawns and replies "It is
wonderful here. Better
than I could have ever
expected. And those
Meals On Wheels you
have been sending by
are the best!"
Out ’n About at the
FREE Hug Station
with All About You during
the Dempsey Challenge
Under extremely high pressure, peanut butter can be turned into diamonds.
Send us your
jokes & stories.
We’ll get You
published!
Send them to
editor@UncleAndys.com
for consideration.
THOMAS BAUER, DDS, MS
1 Willow Run, Mt. Auburn Ave, Auburn
784-8587 or (888) 895-6801
AndroscogginOrtho.com
“Where you’re
treated like family.”
Kelly Giambra
with a hug recipient
A Maine Tradition You Can Count On!
• Happy Hour 3-6pm daily
• 14 Beers on Tap & Full Bar
• Daily Specials
• Open Mic on Wednesday Nights
• Live Music on Friday Nights
64 Lewiston Road, Gray
657-4714 • ColeFarms.com
Lazy fact #126986490: You were too lazy to read that number.
Seth Champagne,
Leslie Hudspeth & son
Caden Champagne
Uncle Andy’s Digest
...with
Jimbo
November 2015 UncleAndys.com 39

New Pet
Parrot
Submitted by Thomas Hill
A guy goes into a pet
store and sees a beautiful
parrot but it has a
blue string handing
from one foot and a red
one from the other. He
thinks this is a little
strange so he asks the
shopkeeper what the
strings are for.
"Well this is a highly
trained parrot," the
shopkeeper replies. "If
you pull the red string
he talks in French, if
you pull the blue string
he talks in English."
"Wow," exclaims the
man shopping. “That's
really neat. What happens
if you pull them
both at the same
time?"
Heritage
A bite from a Grizzly bear could crush a bowling ball.
Collectibles
189 Main St, Lewiston 04240 • 207.740.2247
Hours: most Thursdays: 9-2, Fridays: 9-5, Saturdays:11-5,
occasional Sundays: 12-4, or by appointment.
Expanded hours during the holiday season.
Find us on Facebook, Twitter & Pinterest!
Follow: heritagecollectiblesmaine.com
Relaxing at the Count Your
Toes Spa and Gym
Well, here I am! What are your other two wishes?
Unique Gifts & Must-Haves!
Primitives & Antiques
Vintage & Estate Jewelry
Frames & Mirrors
Kitsch & Curiosities
Pin-Ups, Vintage &
Contemporary Art
Maps, Signage, Americana
& Militaria
Items to Recycle,
Repurpose & Upcycle!
You’ll Find A Treasure in
Every Corner!
In the 1950’s, people laughed an average of
18 minutes a day - Currently, we laugh an
average of 4-6 minutes a day.
(Unless you’re an avid reader of this magazine,
then it’s well above the old average).
"I fall off my perch you
idiot!" exclaims the
parrot.
Out ’n About at Sea 40
My boys,
my boys!
Tim Rucker, Franki Tam, Jimbo Marston & Larry Roy
discussing their favorite sushi choices
Uncle Andy’s Digest
40
November 2015
...with
Jimbo
783-7039
Eating a banana for breakfast can help you feel less groggy in the morning.
Bananas also help maintain focus and mental health.

You got mood poisoning? It must be something you hate.
Our Lady of the Rosary Christmas Craft Fair
When: Saturday & Sunday, November 13 &14, 9am – 3pm
Where: Maxwell-Gill Hall, 131 High Street, Sabattus
19 tables of Local Crafters/Vendors
Including Scentsy, Origami Owl, Stained glass crafts, Knitted items,
Hand painted gifts and more. Come in for a Lobster Roll lunch; we will be
serving a delightful menu throughout each day. The main attraction for our
parish fundraising is our basket raffle, where we raffle off themed baskets
including giftcards. Don't forget our 50/50 and Bake Sale.
Out ’n About at
Mac’s Grill
with the Govnah and the
Mayah of Auburn
Tim Rucker,
Governor LePage
& Mayor LaBonte
cast their ballots and
proudly display them
for all to see.
The Drawings will be on Saturday at 2:30pm,
but you do not need to be present to win.
WELCOME TO
Enjoy Lunch with us
Mon - Fri. 11:30 - 1:30
Sorry I ate all the chips: It was a snaccident.
Free photo
with Santa on
Saturday 11-1pm.
Tim,
can I get
your autograph?
LUNCH SPECIALS STARTING AT $ 8
14 Great Falls Plaza, Auburn
(207) 784-4433
Dogs Letters
to God
Submitted by Thomas Hill
Dear God,
How come people love
to smell flowers, but
seldom, if ever, smell
one another? Where
are their priorities?
Dear God,
When we get to
Heaven, can we sit on
your couch? Or is it the
same old story?
Dear God,
Excuse me, but why
are there cars named
after the jaguar, the
cougar, the mustang,
the colt, the stingray,
and the rabbit, but not
one named for a dog?
How often do you see
a cougar riding
around? We dogs love
a nice ride! I know
every breed cannot
have its own model,
but it would be easy to
rename the Chrysler
Eagle the Chrysler
Beagle!
Dear God,
If a dog barks his head
off in the forest and no
human hears him, is he
still a bad dog?
Dear God,
Is it true that in
Heaven, dining room
tables have on-ramps?
Dear God,
If we come back as humans,
is that good, or
bad?
Dear God,
(continued on next page)
Uncle Andy’s Digest
...with
Jimbo
November 2015 UncleAndys.com 41

(continued from previous page)
More meatballs, less
spaghetti, please.
Dear God,
When we get to the
Pearly Gates, do we
have to shake hands to
get in?
Dear God,
We dogs can understand
human verbal instructions,
hand
signals, whistles,
horns, clickers, beepers,
scent IDs, electromagnetic
energy fields,
and Frisbee flight
paths. What do humans
understand?
Dear God,
Are there dogs on
other planets or are we
alone? I have been
howling at the moon
and stars for a long
time, but all I ever hear
back is the beagle
across the street!
Dear God,
Are there mailmen in
Heaven? If there are,
will I have to apologize?
Dear God,
Is it true that dogs are
not allowed in restaurants
because we can't
make up our minds
what NOT to order? Or
is it the carpets thing,
again?
Dear God,
May I have my testicles
back?
Every time I pull up
next to a Kia Soul
and a hamster is not
driving, I'm a little
disappointed.
Uncle Andy’s Digest
42
November 2015
...with
Jimbo
783-7039
Since
1954
"I just don't want to live in a cookie cutter house." – Gingerbread family
Rollodrome
FALL SCHEDULE
Thursday Nights - Ages 20+ 7:30-10pm
Friday Nights - All Skating 7:30 - 10:00
Saturday & Sunday - 1:30 - 4pm
Saturday Nights - Family Night 7:30 - 10pm
Sunday Night - All SK8 • 7:30 - 10pm
Where Good Skaters Meet
Available for
private parties
12 Riverside Drive, Auburn • 777-3940
www.rollodrome.com
Wine & Design Time
Plan a
GIRLS NIGHT
November 5-8, 14, 20-23
$35
$5 OFF with mention
of this ad.
Dates are filling fast!
Out ’n About at Mac’s Grill with some of
the movers and shakers of Maine
Auburn Mayor Jonathan LaBonte, Debbie Bodwell,
Governor Paul LePage & Mell Hamlyn
Sweet Pea Designs
Enjoy wine, cheese & snacks while designing
your own wreath or centerpiece to take home!
WINE & DESIGN!
777-1520
sweetpeafloraldesignsme.com
Why are you so easily startled? The answer may surprise you.

Out ’n About at
the Pal Hop
Why is this
old guy climbing
all over me?
Thomas Hill &
Tim Rucker
get close for the camera
Hours:
Mon. - Thurs. 10:30a - 8p
Fri. & Sat. 10:30a - 9p
Sun. 10:30a - 8p
1472 Lisbon St. Lewiston
207-376-3870 • chickadeelewiston.com
FREE
Be a lumberjack: Saw the world.
Thanksgiving Dinner “To Go”
Pick Up The Day Before -
Everything included Only
$12.95
⌘
Holiday Party?
We have a room that holds
up to 75 People!
(smaller parties always welcome)
Decorated for the Holidays
Let Us Do the Cooking For You!
HUGS
Uncle Andy’s Digest
44
Dr. Rose &
Carl Sheline
Toni Ferraro &
Tiffany Poland
November 2015
...with
Jimbo
783-7039
during the Dempsey Challenge
at mile marker 5.
Editor’s note: We were told by
Dee at All About You that they still
had plenty of hugs left over, stop
by anytime!
10% OFF Your First Snow Plowing
FREE
QUOTES
Paul Jalbert, Linda Thompson, Leah Cross, Sam Futch,
Leslie Hudspeth, Dee Chapman, Kelly Giambra,
Sydney Giambra, Abi Ramirez & Ashalie Wark
Commercial & Residential
SNOW PLOWING • SANDING & SALTING
SNOW REMOVAL
Morin
excavating
Inc.
An apology is a good way to have the last word.
Andy Morin
207.784.8293
cell: 207.576.4714
amorinexc@roadrunner.com

A penny saved is just another thing for the cat to knock off of the dresser.
Our FALL CAR LOAN RATES are worth gobbling up!
Two convenient
locations:
Rates as low as
our family to yours,
Happy
Thanksgiving!
2.75% APR* From
Great Falls
Federal Credit Union
34 Bates Street, Lewiston • 782-7192
760 Minot Ave, Auburn • 753-0500
www.GreatFallsfcu.com
Call Natalie or
Michele today!!
*Annual Percentage Rate. Restrictions & qualification apply.
Give a man a fish and feed him for a day; give a man a stick of dynamite and soon the
whole village will be strewn with mud, seaweed, and unidentifiable chunks of fish.
Out ’n About at
the Pal Hop
Fish Heads
Submitted by Thomas Hill
A customer at Green's
Gourmet Grocery
marveled at the
proprietor's quick wit
and intelligence.
"Tell me, Green, what
makes you so smart?"
"I wouldn't share my secret
with just anyone,"
Green replies, lowering
his voice so the other
shoppers won't hear.
"But since you're a
good and faithful customer,
I'll let you in on
it. Fish heads. You eat
enough of them, you'll
be positively brilliant."
"You sell them here?"
the customer asks.
"Only $5 each," says
Green.
The customer buys
three. A week later, he's
back in the store complaining
that the fish
heads were disgusting
and he isn't any
smarter.
"You didn't eat enough,"
says Green. The customer
goes home with
20 more fish heads.
Two weeks later, he's
back and this time he's
really angry.
First stop:
Pal Hop.
Next stop:
IHOP!*
Melissa Donahue, Valerie Williams,
Lisa Dumont & Kristen Dostie
*See page 5 ladies.
On cooking shows, there is little margarine of error.
"Hey, Green," he says,
"You're selling me fish
heads for $5 apiece
when I can buy the
whole fish for $3. You're
ripping me off!"
"You see," says Green.
"You're smarter
already."
Uncle Andy’s Digest
...with
Jimbo
November 2015 UncleAndys.com 45

Dead Aim
Submitted by Jimbo
Two pilgrims go out
hunting. One has two
Blunderbusses.
The second pilgrim
asks, “Why do you
have two Blunderbusses?”
The first pilgrim
explains, “I usually
miss the first time I
shoot. By taking two I
can shoot again.”
The second pilgrim
thinks for a while and
then says, “Why not
just take the second
one, and only shoot
once?”
Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says If an emergency, notify:
I put "DOCTOR" - what's my mother going to do.
Located in the building behind Dad’s Place
Hours: Monday - Sunday 9am - 5pm
(closed Tuesdays & Major Holidays)
DAD’S PLACE
REDEMPTION
23 Pleasant St, Mechanic Falls • 345-5551
Bottle Drives
Welcome!
✃
Get more
for your
returns at
Dad’s!
Dad’s Redemption
6¢
on all 5¢ returns
with this coupon.
(must present coupon at
Redemption Center prior to counting)
UAD expires 11.30.15
I hate two-faced people. It's so hard to decide which face to slap first.
“How wonderful it
would be if we could
help our children and
grandchildren to learn
Thanksgiving at an
early age.
Out ’n About with All About You at the Dempsey Challenge
Free hugs?
Where??
Right there, at
All About You!
Wait your turn,
I’m next!
Thanksgiving opens
the doors. It changes a
child’s personality. A
child is resentful, negative;
or thankful.
Thankful children want
to give, they radiate
happiness, they draw
people.”
– Sir John Templeton
Uncle Andy’s Digest
46
November 2015
...with
Jimbo
783-7039
Resurrection life is certainly not a grave situation. Try it sometime.

I feel sorry for the guy who has to play the world's smallest violin - everybody just thinks
he's being sarcastic.
SIT BACK & RELAX
Who doesn’t want more free time?
House Cleaning • Janitorial Services
Customized Cleaning • Floor Services
Pest Control Prep
CHRISSY’S DOWN HOME CLEANING • 207-754-4266
Family time at Mac’s Grill
FREE Estimates • Reasonable Rates
Call Chrissy TODAY!
Locally Owned & Operated • Satisfaction Guaranteed
chrissysdownhomecleaning@gmail.com
Stolen Turkey
Submitted by Thomas Hill
Ducking into confession
with a turkey in his
arms, Brian said, "Forgive
me, Father, for I
have sinned. I stole
this turkey to feed my
family. Would you take
it and settle my guilt?"
"Certainly not," said the
Priest. "As penance,
you must return it to
the one from whom
you stole it."
"I tried," Brian sobbed,
"but he refused. Oh,
Father, what should I
do?"
"If what you say is true,
then it is all right for
you to keep it for your
family."
We enjoy
stopping and smelling
the roses every once
in a while.
Pam Johnson, Tara Knight, Joey Knight, Trevor, Teri & Travis Pontbriand
Thanking the Priest,
Brian hurried off.
When confession was
over, the Priest returned
to his residence.
When he walked into
the kitchen, he found
that someone had
stolen his turkey.
740-6316
Hours:Tue. Wed. Fri. 8-4
Thurs. 8-5 • Sat. 8-12
Walk-Ins
Welcome!
Your Hometown Barber
$
10 .00 CUTS
61 Mill Street, New Auburn • 783-6927 or 1-800-834-5706
Mon-Fri 7:30-5:30 • Sat. 8-4 • MySelco.com
184 Turner St. Auburn (Parking in the Back)
"True friendship is like sound health; the value of it is seldom known until it is lost."
– Charles Caleb Colton
Uncle Andy’s Digest
...with
Jimbo
November 2015 UncleAndys.com 47

Call Us for ALL
your catering
needs!
MAC’S
Gift Cards make
the perfect
Holiday
Gift!
November 11th
VETERANS
Appreciation Day!
FREE Burgers for ALL Veterans!
(*Eat-In Only - Must Show ID)
Thursday, November 5th
10% of All Food Sales will be Donated to
Lewiston High School Step Program/
The Store Next Door
1052 Minot Avenue, Auburn • 783-6885 • MacsGrill.com

I hate people that complain about being single every 3 minutes. 90% of my socks are
single & you don't see them crying.
Skin in the
Game
Submitted by Jimbo
A married couple were
in an accident in which
the woman's face was
severely burned.
The doctor told them
that they couldn't graft
any skin from her body
because she was too
thin. So the husband
offered to donate some
of his own skin. However,
the only skin on
his body that the doctor
felt was suitable would
have to come from his
buttocks.
They agreed that they
would tell no one about
where the skin came
from, and requested
that the doctor also
honor their secret.
After the surgery was
completed, everyone
was astounded at the
woman's new beauty.
She looked more beautiful
than ever! All her
friends and relatives
just went on and on
about her youthful
beauty!
One day, she was
alone with her husband.
She said, ''Dear,
I just want to thank you
for everything you did
for me. There is no
way I could ever repay
you.''
845 Main Street • Lewiston • 207-689-2345
www.centralmainepowersports.com
I am probably single because I didnt forward those chain messages in 2008.
"My darling,'' he
replied, ''Think nothing
of it. I get all the thanks
I need every time I see
your mother kiss you
on the cheek.''
Uncle Andy’s Digest
...with
Jimbo
November 2015 UncleAndys.com 49

Taters
Submitted by Thomas Hill
A Girl Potato and Boy
Potato had eyes for
each other,
And finally they got
married, and had a little
sweet potato, which
they called "Yam."
Of course, they wanted
the best for Yam.
When it was time, they
told her about the facts
of life.
They warned her about
going out and getting
half-baked, so she
wouldn't get accidentally
mashed, and get a
bad name for herself
like 'Hot Potato,' and
end up with a bunch of
Tater Tots.
Yam said not to worry,
no Spud would get her
into the sack and make
a rotten potato out of
her!
Why is the day that you do laundry, cook, clean, iron and so on called a day off?
Hear the Hits
&
Your Friends
on
A Personal Touch
Each weekday morning between 7 and 9, we have guests from all
walks of life to talk about community issues, business activities and
events. We also have musical artists with live performances.
Plus Sign up for
But on the other hand
she wouldn't stay
home and become a
Couch Potato either.
She would get plenty of
exercise so as not to
be skinny like her
Shoestring Cousins.
When she went off to
Europe, Mr. And Mrs.
Potato told Yam to
watch out for the hardboiled
guys from Ireland,
and the greasy
guys from France
called the French
Fries.
(continued on next page)
Uncle Andy’s Digest
50
November 2015
...with
Jimbo
783-7039
Online at Z1055.com
The official radio station of the
Androscoggin County Chamber of Commerce and the
L/A Fighting Spirit hockey team
Remember, children. The best way to get a puppy for Christmas is to beg for a baby
brother.

When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows
he doesn't hire stupid people.
ALL ABOUT
Meet our Newest Talent!
Come in for a
FREE
Blow-out with
SAM FUTCH!
Nothing ruins a Friday more than an understanding that today is Tuesday.
Gettin’
41 Broad St., Auburn • 784-5407
AllAboutUsalonla.com
Muddy
Please
join us
for our
BIG
event!
Saturday, November 28th • Up to 50% OFF
Products & Pro Tools! (one day only)
(continued from previous page)
And when she went out
West, to watch out for
the Indians so she
wouldn't get scalloped.
Yam said she would
stay on the straight and
narrow and wouldn't
associate with those
high class Yukon
Golds, or the ones
from the other side of
the tracks who advertise
their trade on all
the trucks that say,
"Frito Lay."
Mr. And Mrs. Potato
sent Yam to Idaho P.U.
(that's Potato University)
so that when she
graduated she'd really
be in the Chips.
But in spite of all they
did for her, one day
Yam came home and
announced she was
going to marry Tom
Brokaw.
Tom Brokaw!
Mr And Mrs. Potato
were very upset.
After getting
all muddy it’s great to
catch up on my
reading...
Hey! The Shop
at 23 Lisbon Street in
Lisbon... I know those guys!
That’s a great looking ad
on page 39.
They told Yam she
couldn't possibly marry
Tom Brokaw because
he's just...
A COMMONTATER!!
Egotist: A person who is usually me-deep in conversation.
“It took me three weeks to stuff the turkey. I stuffed it through the beak.” – Phyllis Diller
The amount of time it takes for a minute to go by is proportionally dependent with the
distance to the bathroom door.
Who doesn't eat on Thanksgiving? A turkey because it is always stuffed.
Jimmy: Mmmmm!
That turkey smells
good and it's not even
done yet. How long will
it be?
Mom: About the same
length as it was before
I put it into the oven, I
suppose.
Uncle Andy’s Digest
...with
Jimbo
November 2015 UncleAndys.com 51

Moped
Submitted by Thomas Hill
An elderly man on a
Moped, looking about 90
years old, pulls up next
to a Doctor at a street
light.
The old man looks over
at the sleek shiny car
and asks, "What kind of
car ya got there, sonny?"
The doctor replies, "A
Ferrari GTO. It cost half
a million dollars!"
"That's a lot of money,"
says the old man. "Why
does it cost so much?"
"Because this car can do
up to 220 miles an hour!"
states the doctor proudly.
“Thanksgiving is that wonderful time of the year when nobody expects you to stick with
your diet.” – Melanie White
NOW HIRING!
Make a difference in the lives of adults or
children while having a rewarding career!
Work one on one with adults and children with a diagnosed
intellectual disability in support of their treatment goals both in
their homes and in the community. Must have a valid driver’s
license and a high school diploma or GED.
Whether you are skilled social services professional
or someone who is just starting out in this industry,
Merrymeeting Behavioral Health has a place for you to
utilize and/or build your skills!
• 100% Paid Training
• Flexible Hours
• FT and PT Positions
• Benefits for FT Staff
• Mileage Reimbursement
Willing to train
good people!
The Moped driver asks,
"Mind if I take a look inside?"
76 Pleasant Street, Brunswick • 207-721-0214
Merrymeetingbha.com • hr@merrymeetingbha.com
Apply online TODAY!!
"No problem," replies the
doctor.
So the old man pokes his
head in the window and
looks around. Then, sitting
back on his Moped,
the old man says, "That's
a pretty nice car, all
right.... But I'll stick with
my Moped!"
“I'm looking forward to seeing pie this Thanksgiving more than members
of my own family.” – Damien Fahey
It’s beautiful
up here! Thank you
Uncle Andy’s Digest
for the Hot Air Balloon
ride tickets!!
Just then the light
changes, so the doctor
decides to show the old
man just what his car
can do. He floors it, and
within 30 seconds the
speedometer reads 150
mph. Suddenly, he notices
a dot in his rear
view mirror. It seems to
be getting closer!
He slows down to see
what it could be and suddenly
WHOOOOSSSHHH!
Uncle Andy’s Digest
52
November 2015
(continued on page 54)
...with
Jimbo
783-7039
Mandy & Justin Audette
Contest winners
“Be happy for this moment. This moment is your life.” – Omar Khayyam

WHEN
YOU’RE
TIRED OF
THIS...
Gobble till you wobble – Happy Thanksgiving!
GIVE US
A CALL!
Fully Insured
Free Quotes
207-783-7039
(That’s not a threat.) It’s a fact.
UNCLE ANDY’S DIGEST was audited by the
Certification Verification Council (CVC), an independent,
third-party reporting audit company. They audit thousands of
publications nationwide. Our audit shows:
Servicing the Mechanic Falls,
Minot & Poland areas.
JMAR
PLOWING
Reasonable Rates
576-4844
80.6% *
frequently purchase
products and services
from ads seen in UAD
National average:
74.4%*
2.5 *
Readers per edition.
Getting your ad up to 25,000
impressions per month.
National average:
1.75*
58% *
of our readers have an
annual household income
of $50,000 or more.
National average:
47%*
It’s Verified – Uncle Andy’s Digest Delivers!
cvcaudit.com
*Source: 2015 CVC Audit Report. Ask to see entire report.
One secret of managing life is to keep the folks who can't stand you away from the folks
who are undecided.
Uncle Andy’s Digest
...with
Jimbo
November 2015 UncleAndys.com 53

(continued from page 52)
Something whips by him
going much faster!
"What on earth could be
going faster than my Ferrari?"
the doctor asks
himself.
He presses harder on
the accelerator and takes
the Ferrari up to 180
mph.
Then, up ahead of him,
he sees that it's the old
man on the Moped!
Amazed that the Moped
could pass his Ferrari, he
gives it more gas and
passes the Moped at 200
mph and he's feeling
pretty good until he looks
in his mirror and sees the
old man gaining on him
AGAIN!
Hardest question to answer: "Describe yourself?
When You Miss This Sign...
Look for this one!
We’ll have you
back on the road
in no time!
FREE
ESTIMATES!
COLLISION REPAIR & PAINTING 1111 Center Street, Auburn • 782-6515
We're assembling a crib from Ikea... Which option on their toll free number gets you
a marriage counselor?
Astounded by the speed
of this old guy, he floors
the gas pedal and takes
the Ferrari all the way up
to 220 mph.
Not ten seconds later, he
sees the Moped bearing
down on him again! The
Ferrari is flat out, and
there's nothing he can
do!
649 Turner St. Auburn
Open 7 Days a week
The Elsherif family
Aziz, Addel, Omar & Zena
Suddenly, the Moped
plows into the back of his
Ferrari, demolishing the
rear end.
The doctor stops and
jumps out and unbelievably
the old man is still
alive.
He runs up to the
banged-up old guy and
says, "I'm a doctor... Is
there anything I can do
for you ?"
The old man whispers,
"Unhook my suspenders
from your side view
mirror!"
Kathleen Hunt, Dawn Youland, Steven
Stout, Nicholas Hall & Patrick Annese
TD Bank Group
Stop in for
Breakfast,
Lunch or
Dinner!
NOW
OPEN!
Ribbon Cutting with the Chamber
Uncle Andy’s Digest
54
November 2015
...with
Jimbo
783-7039
Spongebob was originally going to be named “Spongeboy” but couldn’t because a mop
product was already using that name.

RETAIL • WHOLESALE • REDEMPTION • LIQUOR STORE
5 Locations for Your Convenience
ROOPERS
LISBON ST.
Now Selling
Liquor!
ATM’s onsite & Lottery/Megabucks!
Sabattus Street, Lewiston Lisbon Street, Lewiston Main Street, Auburn
New Walk-in
Soda Cooler!
Minot Ave, Auburn
Beer Specials
Smuttynose 12pks . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$13.99
Baxter Variety 12pks . . . . . . . . . . . . . $15.99
Sam/Shipyard/Seadog 12pks . . . . . . $13.99
Guinness 12pks . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . $14.99
Twisted Tea 6pks . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$6.99
Bud Light Rita Family 4pks . . . . . . . . .$3.99
Bud/Bud Light 15pks 16oz . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Bud/BudLight 12pk 16oz Aluminum . $10.99
Wine Specials
Woodbridge 1.5L . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . $9.99
Yellowtail 1.5L . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$9.99
Korbel . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$11.99
WHAT’S BREWING
AND ALWAYS NEW
YOUR BETTER BEER PIONEERS
Since 1992
Pinnacle,
Jim Beam &
Dekuyper
Candy Canes
$3.99
Three Olives
750ml $17.99
Bacardi 1.75
$19.99
Save $6.00
Crown Royal
750ml $21.99
Save $5.00
Main Street, Lewiston
Hendericks Gin
750ml
$29.99
Save $5.00
Soda
Marley 16oz . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .2 for $3.25
Maine Root . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .2 for $3.00
Captain Morgans
1.75 $25.99
Save $4.00
Glenlivet 12 Year 750ml
$41.99 Save $5.00
694 Main St.
Lewiston • 782-1482
794 Sabattus St.
Lewiston • 783-6353
1420 Lisbon St.
Lewiston • 333-3095
545 Minot Ave.
Auburn • 783-2047
303-311 Main St.
Auburn • 783-9098

Let’s talk
Turkey about
getting your vehicle
cleaned!
Opportunity isn’t knocking because you haven’t built the doors yet.
Happy Thanksgiving!
Come see us for:
• Basic Car Wash
all by hand
Full Recons
Multi-car Discounts
Offered
Superior Cleaning
Products
Satisfaction
Guarantee
References Available
Upon Request
10% OFF
for all Veterans
for the whole month of November!
Mon.-Thurs. 7am-5pm
Fri. by appointment
Yen-Chang Chen, D.M.D.
Dr. Chen and his staff are dedicated to providing a pleasant, stress-free visit
with results that you will be proud to show off.
Visit us at our state of the art office at:
730 Center St • Auburn (Big Lots) Plaza
783-1351
Same Day Emergency Care
We are a preferred Northeast Delta provider
LIQUID
SUNSHINE
CAR WASH
& DETAIL
865 Sabattus Street
Lewiston
333-3004
Hours: Mon- Fri 9:00am - 5:00pm
Sat 8:30am - 4:00pm
auburnplazafamilydentistry.com
UncleAndysDigest.com