Monarch Fall 2015

gender you are in, this family needs you. Please don't leave us."
This wakes me up. He gets on the ground next to me and gives me a
hug. I whisper, "Thank you Shimon. I love you. I won't leave you."
The next day I see my therapist who tells me suicide is a selfish act. .
She told me my wife and children will NEVER get over it. That every
day they will wonder what they could have done to prevent it or how
they contributed to i cause.
I was feeling pain over the loss of love from my children. But they
had lost more than I had. While I was moving towards a life of
fulfillment and freedom they were losing a beloved father who cared
for them; made them feel safe, important and cherished. I stopped
feeling sorry for myself and let go of my anger for not having their
support. We had all needed space. I left home soon after beginning
my transition. After about eighteen months, things started to change.
It was a slow process coming back to my family, with subtle
movements and gestures. A smile and eventually a hug where there
was only distance before. My children called me on my birthday.
They accepted an invitation for a Passover Seder and then for
Chanukah. It was special to be with all three at one time. I watched
how they looked after each other and made each other happy. Their
laughter filled my home with joy. I hid my tears. In these moments I
felt less like a failure. I must have done something right. I imagined
them as children on vacation in Yosemite running under the spray
from a waterfall feeling so much love I though my heart would burst.
So many life memories from family vacations I planned for us year
after year. Here they were in my living room fifteen years later, the
laughter and love still evident. Thank you God, I thought, for looking
after them when I couldn't. My children had never left my heart, not
for a moment. Now they were coming back to me.
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