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a s k a n i t a<br />
Dear Anita,<br />
I have been married for 4 years but together with my significant other for 6 years. I<br />
would say my husband and I have an array of issues but, overall, what has really been<br />
a big issue for me is us not being kind and respectful to one another. I feel as though my<br />
husband can be the sweetest person for a couple of days and then he can be so angry<br />
and mean the next. It's like a different person and it makes me not want to be with him,<br />
sexually or physically. On his angry days, he says things that hit below the belt/hurtful<br />
things and we are arguing and bickering constantly which leads to him isolating himself<br />
from me and the kids. His excuse is that he doesn't want to argue. I have constantly<br />
told him how it makes me feel and he says he will change, but he goes back to the same<br />
behavior. The crazy part is after going through all these instances he wonders why I'm<br />
not intimate and don't want to be close to him. It makes me feel like he doesn't love me<br />
and doesn't care how I feel; this has been going on for some time and I really want to<br />
go to counseling. But because we have been once before, which didn't help, he feels we<br />
shouldn't go. I really don't know what to do now because now I think I could care less<br />
if we don't make it. He is not physically abusive but I feel like him being mean is really<br />
detrimental and has really pushed me away. I really don't know what to do.<br />
-SB<br />
two oF my Passions in liFe are<br />
helPing PeoPle with their loVe<br />
life and Writing. With my advice<br />
Column, “asK anita, ”i get to<br />
Combine the two! as a dating<br />
& relationshiP eXPert, i’m on a<br />
mission to ProVe that haPPy and<br />
satisFying relationshiPs are<br />
possible. i’m a licensed marriage<br />
& Family theraPist and hold a<br />
master’s in marital & Family<br />
theraPy From the uniVersity oF<br />
san diego. i founded relationship<br />
reality 312, inc., and i Work With<br />
Clients both internationally<br />
and in my ChiCago downtown<br />
office. any Questions you have<br />
about dating, relationshiPs<br />
and marriage, Please email me<br />
direCtly at<br />
anita@relationshipreality312.com.<br />
i looK Forward to hearing From<br />
you!<br />
Dear SB,<br />
I’m sorry that you have to go through this<br />
in your marriage. Not knowing if you’re<br />
going to get your “sweet” husband or the<br />
“angry” one can take its toll on anyone,<br />
and sounds like it already has for you.<br />
You are right to want to stop this<br />
behavior. With his mean and below the<br />
belt comments, your husband is showing<br />
contempt toward you. This contemptuous<br />
behavior must absolutely stop because it<br />
is one of the best predictors of divorce,<br />
meaning that most couples end up<br />
divorcing when this behavior exists in<br />
a marriage. Contempt does many of<br />
the things you’ve mentioned above:<br />
pushes a partner away, erodes positive<br />
feelings, leads to fights or isolation, and<br />
blocks desire for physical and emotional<br />
intimacy. It is toxic for the both of you.<br />
You’ve told him how his behavior makes<br />
you feel and he claims he’ll change, but<br />
he doesn’t. Your husband needs to see his<br />
own responsibility in your marriage and<br />
must be willing to do something about<br />
it, otherwise your marriage won’t get<br />
any better. Insight alone isn’t enough to<br />
change behaviors. It sounds like he can’t<br />
change on his own, and needs to seek<br />
professional help. It’s understandable<br />
that your husband doesn’t want to go<br />
to counseling again, but one experience<br />
shouldn’t make him feel that it won’t ever<br />
work. Sometimes it takes a few therapists<br />
to find a good fit. Ask if he would be<br />
willing to research a few with you, and<br />
“shop around” for a therapist suitable for<br />
the both of you.<br />
If he’s still not willing to go, consider<br />
going by yourself. You can still help your<br />
marriage by seeing a therapist alone. A<br />
professional can help you work on it by<br />
focusing on things such as boundaries and<br />
your part in the interactions with your<br />
husband. Maybe you’re doing something<br />
and you’re not even aware of its impact on<br />
him. One frequent thing I work on with<br />
my clients is how they bring things up to<br />
their partner. The start of a conversation<br />
is so powerful that it actually indicates<br />
how the rest of the interaction will go. I<br />
want to be clear that I am not saying you<br />
are the cause of your husband’s angry<br />
moods, but, that in a relationship, people<br />
directly and indirectly influence each<br />
other. And with the help of an expert, at<br />
least you’ll be able to say that you have<br />
tried all you could.<br />
There’s a reason why women initiate twothirds<br />
of divorces in the United States.<br />
When a wife emotionally disconnects from<br />
her husband, it’s much more difficult to<br />
get her to reinvest in the marriage. You<br />
seem set on this hopeless path when you<br />
say you could care less if your marriage<br />
doesn’t make it. If he won’t go with you,<br />
give solo counseling a try. And if you<br />
still don’t see positive changes, you may<br />
have to give your husband an ultimatum<br />
– either he goes with you to marriage<br />
counseling or divorce will become an<br />
option for you. That may show him that<br />
these problems are serious and that you<br />
need to be taken seriously. The status<br />
quo will only lead to more physical and<br />
emotional disconnection.<br />
Dear Anita,<br />
What should I do about men who only want late-night booty calls?<br />
-Leslie<br />
Dear Leslie,<br />
Ignore them. Unless you only want booty, and not a relationship.<br />
<strong>#11</strong>, 2015 reviamagazine.com revia 33
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