Issues/services for same-sex attracted people in relation to domestic violence

Issues/services for same-sex
attracted people in relation to
domestic violence
Summarised from a workshop of the same name at the No To Violence
Conference, Melbourne, Australia, November 2012
Introduction
This paper draws on the experience of Nicci Rossel and Trish Thompson, as facilitators/coordinators
of Revisioning, a men's behaviour change program for men in same-sex relationships, run by the
Victorian AIDS Council/Gay Men's Health Centre. It is also informed by contributions from Maxwell
Clarke, a sexual assault counsellor /advocate and supervisor of Men’s Referral Service (Victoria)
telephone counsellors.
This paper uses the term 'domestic violence' rather than 'family violence'. In Nicci's experience, this
term has had more traction, as homophobia has led to many people in the LGBTI community to feel
that 'family' is only for straight people.
History of the Revisioning program and other work on same-sex domestic violence
When she started at VAC/GMHC, Nicci already had a lot of experience as a couples counsellor and
working in the areas of child sexual abuse and adult sexual assault. She noticed that VAC/GMHC
counselling staff didn't tend to work with couples, and so she started to explore the possibilities for
offering couples counselling within the service. During that process, it became apparent that men
were self-referring for counselling and using their counselling sessions to talk about their
relationship difficulties, but not discussing violence. For most men, says Nicci, "No-one was talking
about violence ... it wasn't in their vocabulary … they had no conception that what was going on in
their relationships was violence."
The program commenced in 2004. Its goals are to:
• work towards improving the quality of relationships amongst gay and bisexual men
• work towards trying to reduce the incidence of HIV and improve the wellbeing of the gay
and bisexual relationships and communities.
VAC/GMHC is a member of No To Violence and so Revisioning is run in a manner consistent with the
standards for all Victorian men's behaviour change programs. It is open to men who identify as gay
or bisexual, or who are in a same-sex relationship.
The program holds offers regular partner contact, as well as partner nights. The latter are extremely
important in naming the domestic violence and talking about the rights of same-sex attracted men
to be safe from violence.

While there have a few short-term programs for women in same-sex relationships elsewhere around
the state, there are no permanent programs for women. VAC/GMHC has a brochure for lesbians,
written in collaboration with Domestic Violence Resource Centre.
In addition to the Revisioning program, VAC/GMHC has developed a training program aimed at
workers in the field to address the lack of understanding in the family violence sector regarding
same-sex domestic violence. Both Nicci and Trish have also worked with the gay press to try to
increase community recognition of domestic violence.
There has been other work on same-sex domestic violence in other states. ACON in NSW has a
website (www.anothercloset.com.au) and offers individual counselling. In Queensland, there has
been a collaboration between a range of service providers to produce a booklet on same-sex
domestic violence, published by Queensland Association for Healthy Communities. A small group of
men in Perth also worked around the issue of domestic violence in same-sex relationships; while the
group no longer exists, its work is being carried on by Communicare, which continues to maintain a
comprehensive website (www.ssdag.org.au).
Internationally, Maxwell visited Boston, USA to investigate services for same-sex attracted men.
There, the gay domestic violence phone line is open every day and operates its own refuge. Samesex
attracted men also have access to straight refuges (and the gay refuge will also take straight
clients). Participation in men's behaviour change groups and counselling in Boston is almost entirely
court mandated.
Key issues in men's behaviour change work with same-sex attracted men
Much of the content of the work is similar to any MBCP, however there are some differences.
Firstly, there is a significant and deep focus on how internalised homophobia affects men's
relationships. This issue first came to prominence in the VAC/GMHC's induction process for its
volunteer counsellors, and has since been recognised as one of the most dominant factors in
violence in same-sex relationships. Nicci comments that:
"Homophobia is something we are all exposed to from a young age; it's not something any
of us can get away from. We all internalise homophobic messages and this affects our
perceptions of homosexuality and same-sex relationships … So we need to understand that
homophobia is a lens through which people in the queer communities see themselves. It is
not an excuse for violence, but is an added factor in the kinds of violence we see."
Internalised homophobia is not restricted only to people who are not out, or only recently out. In
her work, Nicci has found that even people who were "very out and proud" might still feel significant
levels of self-loathing.
Internalised homophobia also affects help-seeking practices, in part because perpetrating or
experiencing violence can be seen as just another level of shame. Says Nicci, "They already felt
shamed because of their sexuality; they felt that people would see it as bringing it on themselves.
There are so many things about being part of the queer community that the straight community look
down on them for, why talk about another?"
Feelings of not feeling valued, not belonging and not being seen are very common among people in
same-sex relationships.
No To Violence 2012 Australian Conference on Responses to Men's Domestic and Family Violence
www.ntvconference.org
Living messages within a dominant narrative: feminist child-centred practice Page 2 of 6

Of course, internalised homophobia is constantly reinforced by external homophobia. This is evident
at all levels of society – from people in same-sex relationships being unable to marry in Australia, to
the lack of services in the community for same-sex attracted people.
Case study
Tom and Sean had been together for 12 years. Tom had come out as a gay man early in life.
He had only had male partners and was extremely comfortable with his sexual identity. Sean,
on the other hand, had come out much later in life. He had had several relationships with
women and was even engaged to a woman in his early 20s.
Six years ago, Sean was violent towards Tom. He subsequently participated in the Revisioning
group and had individual counselling; but, while the relationship continued, an underlying
tension remained.
Sean and Tom sought couple’s counselling, in which they explored the attitudes of society
towards gay men and their own beliefs about healthy relationships.
Both Sean and Tom came from large, very generous and very involved families. Typically,
there were big celebrations around each sibling's marriage, but there had never been
recognition or celebration of Sean and Tom's relationship. In both families, Sean and Tom felt
sidelined.
Identifying this dynamic helped Sean to confront his internalised homophobia. He revealed to
Tom that he had been the subject of homophobic verbal abuse from strangers just before he
was violent to Tom. He acknowledged to Tom for the first time that being with him was
sometimes a source of stress, because of his own homophobia.
This was a turning point for the couple and highlights the importance of understanding the
role of internalised homophobia in same-sex domestic violence.
A second issue in men's behaviour change work with same-sex attracted men is how to theorise or
talk about violence in ways that make sense to them. Trish has found that gendered explanations of
family violence haven't had much resonance, but that the power and control wheels have been
immediately relevant to group participants.
The level of self-motivation among group participants is usually high. Nicci comments, "I was
surprised at the level of interest. They were really self-motivated; they saw they had a problem and
needed to do something about it."
Thinking about domestic violence in same-sex relationships
Research suggests that violence in same-sex relationships occurs at about the same rate as in the
general community. There are some tactics of violence that are different; but the forms and effects
of violence are pretty much the same.
The LGBTI community has been slow to recognise domestic violence in same-sex relationships, in
part because it has been seen as a straight issue. Typically, in both the LGBTI and straight
communities, men are seen as perpetrators of violence (in straight relationships) or able to defend
themselves/not in need of protection (in same-sex relationships). Women are always seen as
victims; they are seen as 'incapable' of violence.
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Nicci notes that domestic violence workers who worked predominantly from the feminist model of
understanding of domestic violence often found the notion of violence in same-sex relationships
challenging to this model and to their own ideas of practice. While it is critical to both acknowledge
the importance of the feminist underpinnings for responses to family violence and respect the
groundbreaking work of generations of feminists, it is also important to recognise the reality that
violence does occur in same-sex relationships.
Recognition of domestic violence in same-sex relationships can be a relief for both victims and
perpetrators of violence. The idea that intimate partner violence can happen irrespective of
sexuality or gender opens the way for people to recognise that the violence isn't caused by their
sexual orientation.
Benefits and challenges of running a separate group for same-sex attracted men
Homophobia is often evident in mainstream men's behaviour change groups. Sometimes this is
despite the best efforts of group facilitators; but more often, homophobia simply goes unrecognised
by program staff. Trish notes, "Challenging gender stereotypes and belief systems is the work of
men's behaviour change groups, but it's also something we have to work on for ourselves as
facilitators."
Nicci and Trish have both worked with men who had participated in mainstream MBCPs but had not
disclosed to their fellow group members that their partner was male, for fear of homophobic
responses. This 'holding back' was a barrier to their genuine and meaningful participation in the
process.
With more and more domestic violence being reported in the LGBTI community, there is an urgent
need for better responses. Revisioning has only had one mandated client. This man was originally
referred to a program some distance from home, leading Trish to conclude, "He would have had to
travel all that way to a group he was afraid of".
Assuming that more than one man in a same-sex relationship has fronted a family violence court, it
would be interesting to know where the rest have been referred.
Confidentiality is a particular concern in running a program for same-sex attracted men. The LGBTI
community is quite small, and there is a very good chance that participants will know each other or
each other's partners, sometimes quite intimately. Group participants are prepared for this
possibility in their interviews and are encouraged to think about and discuss with their partner how
they will manage if there are group member/s who are known to them.
Concerns about confidentiality are not only in relation to the violence; in the group setting, men also
often talk about issues such as their own or their partner's HIV status or mental health. Nicci notes
participants' bravery in disclosing personal issues of this nature and appreciates the degree to which
confidentiality has been maintained.
Inclusive practice
In general, agencies in the community are poorly equipped in terms of skills and awareness to
respond appropriately to domestic violence in same-sex relationships. It is not enough to say, "We
work with all people" or "We welcome everybody equally". Agencies need to be able to work with
the specificity of violence in same-sex relationships. Understanding the impacts of internalised
homophobia and recognising and actively challenging externalised homophobia are equally
important. Furthermore, this can't just be about one practitioner's professional practice – whole of
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www.ntvconference.org
Living messages within a dominant narrative: feminist child-centred practice Page 4 of 6

agency approaches are as needed for including LGBTI people as they are for addressing racism. The
Gap Analysis published by ACON, while focused on NSW services, provides useful considerations for
domestic violence services across Australia. Sections 5 – 9 are particularly useful in terms of agency
practice. See:
www.acon.org.au/sites/default/files/Gap%20Analysis%20Report.pdf
Finally, it is also important to acknowledge that recognising and affirming same-sex relationships at
all levels in our society will go some way towards both increasing access to services for victims and
perpetrators of violence, and towards ending violence in those relationships.
Practice tips
A lot of men don't identify as gay or bisexual even if they are in a relationship with a man. It is best
to ask, "Is your partner male or female?"
Rainbow stickers are a sign of welcoming the LGBTI community, but are not enough in their own
right. Consult the ACON brochure, "Is your service GLBTI friendly" for ideas and information.
www.anothercloset.com.au/storage/Is%20Your%20Service%20GLBT%20friendly%20brochure.pdf
Extensive tips for men's behaviour change professionals wishing to enhance their practice in ways
that are inclusive of the LGBTI community can be found in the NSW practice guide for MBCPs,
"Towards Safe Families" (available online at:
www.domesticviolence.lawlink.nsw.gov.au/domesticviolence/minimum_standards_mdvbcp/what_provide.
html?s=1866136804).
Couple counselling is risky when there is violence present in the relationship and VAC/GMHC
complies with NTV's standards in this regard. If violence has ceased and the relationship is
continuing, offering couple counselling can validates the relationship, which is very important for
same-sex couples.
Resources
Annotated bibliography by Australian Domestic Family Violence Clearinghouse:
www.adfvc.unsw.edu.au/specialcollectionssamesex.htm
Article on same-sex domestic violence in DNA magazine (for gay men), #153, p. 56-61
If you would like a scanned copy of the DNA article, email Maxwell.46@bigpond.com. Max also has
access to many of the articles referred to in the ADFVC bibliography.
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Useful contacts and websites
Organisation Name Contact details
Victoria
Revisioning program
Victorian AIDS
Council/Gay Men’s
Health Centre
Paul Webb
Victoria Police
Gay and Lesbian Liaison
Officers
paul_webb@vicaids.asn.au
www.vicaids.asn.au
www.police.vic.gov.au/files/documents/533_How-
To-Contact-Your-Local-GLLO.pdf
NSW
ACON Anti Violence
Project
Queensland
Queensland
Association for
Healthy
Communities
Western Australia
Same Sex Domestic
Abuse Group
Boston, USA
The Network/La Red
Gay men’s domestic
violence project
Fenway Community
Health Violence
Recovery Program
Moo Baluch
Ricki Menzies
MBaulch@acon.org.au
www.acon.org.au/anti-violence
www.anothercloset.com.au
This is a useful resource for domestic violence
services in all parts of Australia, not only NSW
rmenzies@qahc.org.au
www.healthycommunities.org.au
www.ssdag.org.au
This is a useful resource for domestic violence
services in all parts of Australia, not only WA
www.thenetworklared.org
www.gmdvp.org
www.Fenwayhealth.org
No To Violence 2012 Australian Conference on Responses to Men's Domestic and Family Violence
www.ntvconference.org
Living messages within a dominant narrative: feminist child-centred practice Page 6 of 6