SUMMARY POINTS The development of self-reliance is key... When ...

SUMMARY POINTSThe development of self-reliance is key...When you are undecided about what to say or do in anyparticular situation, always ask yourself the following question:“Will this action that I'm about to take promote thedevelopment of self-reliance in my child, or will it inhibitthe development of self-reliance?”If what you are about to say or do is supportive of self-reliance,then say it or do it. If it is not supportive, don’t!Things get worse before they get better...If things get worse before they get better, you are on track. Butwhen things have been going well for several months, and thenthey start getting worse again -- you have forgotten to use yourtools! If this happens, don’t beat up on yourself – simply getback on track by reviewing the material in your eBook.You program your kid for success or failure...Your child is like a computer, and you are the computerprogrammer. Your child takes your disapproval and criticism asinstruction. For example, if the parent says to the child, “You’reso messy,” the criticism downloads in the child’s unconsciousmind as “I am a messy person” and he acts-out the criticism asif it were instruction to be a messy.The good news is that your child takes your compliments andencouragement as instruction as well. For example, the parent’scompliment, “You do such a great job of not blowing-up whenyour younger brother annoys you” downloads in the child’sunconscious mind as “I am in control of my strong emotions,”and he acts on the compliment as if it were instruction to be calm

even we he is annoyed.Other things to consider:1. After issuing a consequence, never retract it.2. Allow your out-of-control kid to make wrong choices – thisgives him wisdom; experience is a great teacher.3. Be able to differentiate between your kid’s wants and herneeds.4. Consider having only one television and one computer in thehouse.5. Don’t nag – simply follow through with the consequence.6. Don’t try to save your kid from negative consequences andpainful emotions associated with poor choices.7. Expect your out-of-control kid to resist your new parentingstrategies.8. Give equal love to all your kids, but parent them differently.9. Give only one warning -- then follow through with theconsequence.10. Give your kid at least five chores to do each week.11. If you have tried to correct your parent’s mistakes byattempting to be a “better” parent, know that (a) you turnedout all right, and (b) you may be erring on the other end of theextreme (e.g., your parent was aggressive to you as a child, soyou decide to parent in a passive, over-indulgent way).12. If you slip into a rage against your kid, apologize - but don’ttry to compensate by over-indulging him.

13. If your kid hibernates in his bedroom, take that televisionand computer out of there.14. Keep an eye out for your kid’s guilt-trips.15. Know that a weaker parenting-strategy supported by bothparents – even if they are divorced -- is better than a strongerstrategy supported by only one.16. Learn to say -- and stick with -- “no.”17. Only give your kid gifts on very special occasions (e.g.,birthdays, Christmas, graduation).18. Pay attention to your feelings of guilt about how you haveparented, and know it is a sign that you are – once again –beating up on yourself.19. Remember that over-indulged kids are too comfortable –they need some discomfort before they will change.20. Remember that parenting is not a popularity contest –you are not a "buddy"!21. Respond to your kid’s anger with a poker face.22. When taking away privileges, take away the privilege for ashort period (3 days works best). If it lasts too long, resentmentbuilds, the kid forgets the infraction, and the lesson is lost.23. When you catch yourself feeling sorry for your kid, knowit is a sign that you are – once again – taking on too muchresponsibility.24. When your kid needs to be cheered-up, do so with activelistening, empathy, paraphrasing, validation, and hugs ratherthan giving her a lot of stuff and freedom (e.g., unearnedprivileges, food, gifts, fun activities).

25. Don't dabble with these non-traditional parentingstrategies. Be consistent and you will out-will the strong-willed,out-of-control kid!