August 2015 - Uncle Andy's Digest

We’re lookingforward to20 more years!!20 Years laterand it’s stillFREEAugust 2015Join usAugust 15thSee inside for details!With all of these options and more, we’re bound to have the best program to suit your needs.Please call me to help with your financing goals!Congratulations toUNCLE ANDY’S DIGESTon their20th Anniversary!Need a Loan? We have the financing for you!• Low Rates• Low Payments• Extended Terms• One Hour LoansRestrictions & qualification applyGreat FallsFederal Credit UnionTwo convenientlocations:34 Bates Street, Lewiston • 782-7192760 Minot Ave, Auburn • 753-0500www.GreatFallsfcu.com

Every Monday20% off Burgers& 30% offall drafts!Let Mac’sCater YourNext Event!Come Join US!August 15thfor a HUGE outdoor bash!We’re helping UNCLE ANDY’S DIGESTcelebrate their 20th Anniversary!!Fun starts at 3:00pmLive music by the Whiskey MilitiaWe’llbe invadingMac’s Grillon the 15th.Don’t missit!This is amust go toevent!will be there with a local family!We hope to grant TWOwishes to local children!Help us meet that goal!!Mac’s Grill • 1052 Minot Avenue, Auburn • 783-6885 • macsgrill.com

They picked me for my motivational skills. Everyone always says they have to worktwice as hard when I'm around!MODERN WOODMENOF AMERICAAugust 2015Saturday, August 8thBailey Island Cruise(Be there by 11:30am)(Chapter 8228) Cooks Landing,Bailey Island $13.50 age 10-64;$11 age 65+; $5 age 5-9Tuesday, August 11thTaber’s 4 – 7pm(Chapter 12907)Lakeshore Drive, Auburn$5.50 Member; $6.50 GuestSunday, August 16thPortland Sea Dogs vs. Akron(Chapter 14437) $20 per ticketincludes all-you-can-eat buffet.Tickets need to be purchased byAugust 7th thru the Sea Dogs office.Call office for details.Wednesday, August 19thVal’s Rootbeer 4 – 7pm(Chapter 12749)Sabattus St, Lewiston$4 Member; $5 GuestWednesday, August 26thDairy Joy 3 – 7pm(Chapter 10589)Campus Ave, Lewiston/ SpringSt Auburn $1 per personWednesday, August 26thNorway Softserve 5:30 – 7pm(Chapter 10929)Main St, South Paris $1 ppPARK TICKETSAquaboggan$13.50 member; $15 guestCombo Fun/Splash$26 member; $27 guestFuntown$19 member; $20 guestSanta's Village$27 member; $28 guestSplashtown$18 member; $20 guestWaterCountry$28 member; $29 guestYork Animal Kingdom$10 member; $11 guestI wasn't lying, I was just writing fiction with my mouth.TICKETS ARE LIMITED – NO RE-TURNS & NO REFUNDS ALLOWEDPrices, Dates and Menu are subject tochange. If additional info is needed, pleasecall our office, please do not call restaurants.All activities can only be attended atthe times listed.*************************Tickets need to be purchased at theModern Woodmen District Office,184 Webster Street, Lewiston for allactivities and can only be picked up theweek prior to the activity, Mon – Thurs9am - 4pm & Friday 9am - Noon(excluding Holidays). Call 782-1833.

UNCLE ANDY’S DIGESTis published by the firstFriday of every month by MaineMountain Ocean Group, Inc.with offices at 9 Grove Street,Auburn, Maine, USA.It is distributed free throughoutCentral Maine and mailed tosubscribers all over the FreeWorld. Subscriptions are$30/year. Send a check made outto UNCLE ANDY’S DIGEST to:PO Box 3363, Auburn, ME 04212UncleAndysDigest.comOffice: 207-783-7039Fax: 207-777-3898UAD Super HeroesSPIDYTIMCAPTAINJIMBOAny connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.AFFORDABLE DENTURESPoorly fitting or broken dentures repairedon-site, usually same-day service!Also see us for:• Full Dentures• Immediate Dentures• Partial Dentures• Rebases• Relines• Repairs• All work done in house,including metal frameworksLike our name implies, we’ll make you Smile Again!HULKSMASHTHOMASWe now offer Citi Health Card • Most Dental Insurances AcceptedWe also accept Credit & Debit Cards • Not a MaineCare ProviderFREE CONSULTATIONSBATGIRLTRACYWONDERWOMANPAMSMILE AGAIN DENTURES801 Webster Street, Lewiston514-0660SmileAgainDentures.comOr email us at:smileagaindentures@gmail.comMike & JoeAdkins,licenseddenturistsWhile Uncle Andy’s Digest tries very hard toensure the accuracy of the information in ourclient’s advertisements and our publication ingeneral, we are not responsible for vendoravailability, typographical errors, technical inaccuracies,product pricing errors, or omissions.Uncle Andy’s Digest4AUGUST 2015...withJimbo783-7039What am I, flypaper for freaks?

I don't work here. I'm a consultant.As appeared in our firstedition, August 1996NOWOPEN!Happy Hour Daily 4–7pm1/2 priced DrinksEat, Drink & Be Family!Who me? I just wander from room to room.Join us Sundays 4–9pm for Open Mic Nite!Friday, Aug. 7th – Live music by4Play & The Tina Kelly BandBalloon Festival Weekend - Aug. 21-23Saturday, August 22 - Ron BergeronServing breakfast Fri, Sat. & Sun.Dine in or out with a view of the Launch!Sun. – Wed. 11am-12am; Thurs – Sat 11am-1am207 American Grille • 34 Court Street, Auburn • 207-344-3201 • 207AmercianGrille.comFormerly Naral’s & only 100 steps from the parking garage!ShoesAs Gandhi steppedaboard a train one day,one of his shoesslipped off and landedon the track. He wasunable to retrieve it asthe train was moving.To the amazement ofhis companions,Gandhi calmly took offhis other shoe andthrew it back along thetrack to land close tothe first. Asked by a fellowpassenger why hedid so, Gandhi smiled.“The poor man whofinds the shoe lying onthe track," he replied,"will now have a pairhe can use."CelebratingYears1940 ~ 2015• Restaurant• BRAND NEWMini Golf Course• Driving Range• Ice Cream Stand– Author UnknownFirst quoted in The Little,Brown Book of AnecdotesCome Celebrate Our 75th Anniversary!August 15 th @ 6pm75¢ Burgers (while supplies last)Golf Open 10am - 9pm • Restaurant 11am - 9pm470 Lake Shore Drive, Auburn • tabersgolf.comGLOW BALLMini Golf NiteSaturday Aug. 22 nd9pm$10 Unlimited PlayAt least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits.Remember these?Uncle Andy’s Digest...withJimboAUGUST 2015 UncleAndys.com 5

Out ’n About at the7th Annual PeteSimard Golf TourneyYou are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.Bobby Weekleyshows his teammates whyhe was asked to play.Damn,I topped it!We’ve partnered withPutting Kingshows his teammates whyhe was asked to play,except for this shot.MaineWe hope to grant TWOwishes to local children!Help us meet that goal!!Putting Queenshows her teammates whyshe was asked to play.Uncle Andy’s Digest6AUGUST 2015...withJimbo783-7039I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.Out ’n About at the7th Annual PeteSimard Golf TourneyTeamGlasses Half FullSaturday, August 15thDon’t miss this one!It’s been 20 YEARSin the making!!Outside at Mac’s Grill3-6pm Happy HourLive music 6-10pmRain orShine!No cover!Donationsaccepted!Dan Perreault &Ryan BoucherAll proceedsbenefitMake-A-Wish!ComeJoin US!Silent Auction •Walk around magic •Ginger Snap PhotoBooth •50/50 • Great Giveaways •Josh Simard &Michael Perreault20 Years agothis wasstate-of-the-art!Deb Bodwell RMS MortgageAndroscoggin Dental Group • Bilodeau ElectricThe road to success is always under construction.Uncle Andy’s Digest...withJimboAUGUST 2015 UncleAndys.com 7

ApplicantsSubmitted by Thomas Hill"Things work out best for those who make the best of how things work out."– John WoodenMurphy applied for anengineering position ata firm based in Ohio.John applied for thesame job and both applicantshaving thesame qualificationswere asked to take atest by the Departmentmanager.Upon completion of thetest both men onlymissed one of thequestions.The manager went toMurphy and said,"Thank you for yourinterest, but we'vedecided to give Johnthe job"Murphy: "Why wouldyou be doing that? Weboth got 9 questionscorrect."Manager: "We havemade our decision noton the correct answers,but on the question youboth missed."Murphy: "And just howwould one incorrectanswer be better thanthe other?"Manager: "Simple,John put down onquestion # 5, "I don'tknow". you put down"Neither do I".Worry does notempty tomorrow ofits sorrow. It emptiestoday of its strength.Uncle Andy’s Digest8AUGUST 2015...withJimbo783-7039When your life flashes before your eyes, make sure you’ve got plenty to watch.

"As long as you’re going to be thinking anyway, think big.” – Donald TrumpFall / Winter dates are filling up fast...Book NOW!Out ’n About at the7th Annual PeteSimard Golf TourneyTeam Ladies FirstWeddings • ReunionsBBQ’s • Lobster Feeds & More!Indoors or Outdoors – We do it all!!No Party too Bigor too Small!Call Us Today for a Free Quote!345-9009Call Diana or Larry formore info and pricing!Lisa & Mark Laliberte,Dan Roderick &Pete NadeauHUNGRY?Over 200 menuitems to choosefrom!August SpecialTaco WrapLet Dad do the cookin’!Only$5FREECOFFEE FRIDAY!Free 20 oz. coffee with purchaseof Breakfast Sandwichevery Friday.There’s NO PLACE like...Dad’s Place23 Pleasant Street, Mechanic Falls • 345-5551 • DadsPlace.infoBananasSubmitted by Thomas HillCustomer: “How muchis that banana?”Salesperson: “$1.00″Customer: “Can yousell it to me for 60cents?”Salesperson: “At thatrate, you’ll only get thebanana peel!”Customer: “Okay… I’llbuy the banana for 40cents, and you cankeep the peel!”You know what I hate?Indian givers...no wait,I take that back.Congratulations, If you press the elevator button three times it goesinto hurry mode – really...Uncle Andy’s Digest...withJimboAUGUST 2015 UncleAndys.com 9

Out ’n About at the7th Annual PeteSimard Golf TourneyI never admit or deny anything, it makes things more interesting.Team Righty TightyDan Roy, Ray Croteau,Dave O'Connell& Bill FairchildAs appeared in our firstedition, August 1996_________“I know the differencebetween a good manand a bad one, but Ihaven’t decidedwhich I like better.”– Mae WestUncle Andy’s Digest10AUGUST 2015...withJimbo783-7039No Déjà vu please...I don't want to go through that again.

Because Business Should Lead To AbundanceOwn yourown business?Want to makeit better?Call us.NEXTLevelBusinessCoaching.biz207-754-2003Because Business Should Lead To Abundance

Out ’n About at the7th Annual PeteSimard Golf TourneyThe best things in life are free *plus shipping and handling*Team Putt PuttPeople say that laughter is the best medicine... My face must be curing the world!Gary Simard,Scott Whalen,Dan Snow& Tim AllenLunch anyone?Uncle Andy’s Digest12AUGUST 2015...withJimbo783-7039Remember, everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

ALL ABOUTThomas to Jimbo: My IQ test came back negative.Postcards from VegasSummerSchoolneverlooked socool!The QuackSubmitted by Thomas HillThere was this citydoctor who started apractice in the countryside.He once had togo to a farm to attendto a sick farmer wholived there.After a few house callshe stopped going tothe farm.41 Broad St., Auburn784-5407AllAboutUsalonla.comEducation is our top priority!It’s what makes you look great!The grass may be greener on the other side but at least you don’t have to mow it.Summer CookoutSeason is HERE!Let us do the cooking for you!!Featuring our FAMOUSClam BakesIncludes Lobster, Clams, Corn & Red PotatoesTry our FRESH...• Lobster Salad • Lobster Rolls• Haddock • Salmon• Fried Clams • Fried ScallopsOpen Year Round SHIPPING AVAILABLE!894 Minot Avenue • Auburn Call Ahead for Quick ServiceMon - Fri 10am – 7pm; Sat - Sun 10am – 8pm Eat in • Take out • Outdoor seating777-5871 • www.macsdowneastseafood.comFailure is the true teacher of success.The puzzled farmer finallyphoned him toask, “What’s the matter,don’t you like me orsomething?”The doctor said, "No,its your ducks at theentrance...every time Ienter the farm, theyverbally insult me!"Seeing RedSubmitted by JimboAn expedition kayakergets lost in a chain ofdeserted islands. Paddlingwell after sunsethe finally camps on asandy beach. Hewakes up and noticesthe sand is dark red.The sky is dark red. Hewalks around and seesthat there is dark redgrass, dark red birdsand dark red fruit onthe dark red trees.He's shocked when hefinds that his skin isstarting to turn dark redtoo."Oh no!" he says, "I'vebeen marooned!"Uncle Andy’s Digest...withJimboAUGUST 2015 UncleAndys.com 13

Out ’n About at the7th Annual PeteSimard Golf TourneyTeam Driver’s SeatIf you can’t have fun, maybe you’re not doing it right.HUGE DISCOUNTSon Kitchen Cabinets & FlooringCongratulationsUncle Andy’s Digest onyour 20th Anniversary!!We have enjoyed advertisingin the Digest, beingpart of the Uncle Andy’sfamily and look forwardto another 20 years ofyour service in the L/Aarea!Sincerely,Denis & Tammy LebelAttentionCollege Students:Spruce upyour dorm roomwith a newarea rug!You’ll Be Amazedat How Much YouCan $AVE!Herbert Wyman, Brian May,Sean Belanger &Brandon PikerLargest Selection of In-Stock Hardwood in L/A1996 ChampsWorld Series:New York YankeesSuper Bowl XXX:Dallas CowboysNBA: Chicago BullsStanley Cup:Colorado AvalancheUncle Andy’s Digest14AUGUST 2015...withJimbo783-7039675 Main Street, LewistonMon – Fri 8am - 5pm; Sat 9am - 3pmShermArnoldsOutlet.com782-0831If you never say it, it doesn’t require an explanation.

Stop looking around, happiness is inside you.August $avingsOut ’n About at the7th Annual PeteSimard Golf TourneyTeam Kip, Kip, Kurray$200 .00 OFFany Artesian Spa orAbove Ground Poolmention this ad2010 Lisbon Rd. Lewiston • 782-1514 • premierpoolsandspas.comDon’t spend $18 + at the beauty salon, get your...Mens & Boys CUTS for onlyAll day – Every day! Walk-ins welcome.Flat Tops - Fades - Mohawks - Mens & Boys Regular CutsSince 1963Marcel’s BarberShop54 Mill Street, New Auburn • 783-3444OPEN: Tues-Fri 7:30am - 5:30pm; Sat 7:30am - 2pm$12Congratulationsto Uncle Andy’s Digest onyour 20th year!Paul Heath, Kip Kiporus,Bobby Weekly& Darrell LovejoyTeam Hats OffSteve Henderson,Bob Pinder, Ron Flint& Creed RayWhen it’s dark enoughyou can see the stars.Reality is a place where few want to live.Uncle Andy’s Digest...withJimboAUGUST 2015 UncleAndys.com 15

Date SurveySubmitted by Thomas HillThe dawn of language came from a guy who wanted to satisfy his urge to complain.A lovesick kayakerwrote to a dating serviceexplaining that hehad specific criteria fora potential mate andwould not accept anyonethat doesn't meethis standards.He went on to explainthe young lady must becute, short, enjoys coldwater and paddling. Hereceived a reply thefollowing week...It contained a picture ofa penguin.It is a fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."MADAGASCAL LAKEYear Round CampBurlington, MaineFOR SALE• 3 storage buildings• 165’ sandy beachfrontage• Septic & well• Fully furnished $179,900 Contact Don Cannanwww.madagascalcampforsale.com212-9192Audrey MartinIndependent Hair Stylist240-2591746 Main St, Ste 2, Lewiston • escadahairstudio.comAs appeared in our firstedition, August 1996Regardless of the temptation, don't lick a steak knife.“When life’s problemsseem overwhelming,look around and seewhat other people arecoping with. You mayconsider yourselffortunate.– Anne LandersAny Make... Any Model... Any Problem...NO PROBLEM!• Appointments required• Fully warranteed & certified• $60/hr labor rateI hope the bossdoesn’t see this...Come seethe squirt gun gangthis summer...Only at Brad’s!Remember:You don't stop laughingbecause you grow old,You grow old becauseyou stop laughing.Uncle Andy’s Digest16AUGUST 2015...withJimbo783-7039Brad’s Precision Auto144 Riverside Dr., Auburn333-0364 L to R: Dan, John, Eli, Marek & MalloryYou are dark and handsome. When it’s dark, you are handsome.

My wife really likes to make pottery, but to me it's just kiln time.Stop by during the Balloon Festivalfor L/A’s Best Seafood!Large Groups Welcomed- Call AheadPrivate Function RoomsLounge and Dining RoomFull Bar• Plenty of FREE ParkingOut ’n About at the7th Annual PeteSimard Golf TourneyTeam Foxy“Best Seafood Restaurant”Ten years in a row.Award Winning ChowderFamily Ownedfor 3 GenerationsOutdoorPatio Open forYour SummertimeEnjoyment!165 High Street, Auburn • 782-7796 • Open Tuesday - Sundayvillageinnmaine.comTim Fox, Mike Brennan,Ken Champagne& Nate BuckmanTeam S.S. MinnowDijon vu -- the same mustard as before.We reallyappreciate all thepeople who supportthis cause...THANK YOU!Tim Wheelden, DaveHeinitz, Steve Simard& Bill Murphy*Steve and his brother, Garyare sons of Pete Simard andorganizers of this annualfundraiser.I fired my masseuse today. She just rubbed me the wrong way.Uncle Andy’s Digest...withJimboAUGUST 2015 UncleAndys.com 17

As appeared in our firstedition, August 1996You! - Off my planet.“A gossip is one whotalks to you aboutothers, a bore is onewho talks to you abouthimself; and a brilliantconversationalist is onewho talks to you aboutyourself.”– Lisa KirkNerd Newsfrom 1996Jim Carrey was thefirst actor to make$20,000,000 to star ina single film, TheCable Guy.Febreze fabricrefresher began testmarketingin 1996. By1998, it was sold nation-wide.In 1996, Travelocityopened online. Earlyon, it was primarilytravel agents whobooked flights onAmerican Airlines.Animal Hero: Binti, agorilla at the BrookfieldIllinois Zoo, grabbed a3 year-old who hadfallen in the cage, protectedhim from theother apes, and deliveredhim to zoo personnelat the gate.Cost of a Super Bowlad in 1996:$1,085,000.Uncle Andy’s Digest18AUGUST 2015...withJimbo783-7039Not the brightest crayon in the box now, are we?

Tim to Jimbo: Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.Now OpenSaturdays7am – 1pmBalloon Festival WeekFriday &Saturday2 Doughnutsw/ LargeCoffeeOnly $ 2.00Mon.6am-noonTues-Fri6am-3pmSat. 7am-1pmDonut Special Every Friday & SaturdayBuy 1 dozen donuts at regular price ( $ 7.50)and get the 2nd dozen at half price!$11.25 for both161 Lincoln St. • Lewiston • 784-7042 • LabadiesBakery.comI'm not crazy, I've just been in a very bad mood for 30 years.Come See UsFor All YourPool Needs!WisdomSubmitted by JimboAn old man went to thedoctor complaining of aterrible pain in his leg.“I am afraid it’s just oldage,” replied the doctor,“there is nothing wecan do about it.”“That can’t be,” fumedthe old man, “you don’tknow what you aredoing.”“How can you possiblysay I'm wrong?” counteredthe doctor.www.abcpools.com • 207-783-0858 • 800-244-0858 • 1975 Lisbon Rd. LewistonAllow me to introduce my selves.“Well it’s quite obvious,”the old manreplied, “my other leg isfine, and it’s the exactsame age!”Uncle Andy’s Digest...withJimboAUGUST 2015 UncleAndys.com 19

Out ’n About withAndroscogginDental Groupfor a going away party forLiz MulderigI'm just working here until a good fast-food job opens up.WOWyour classmates this fall!Our experienced staff can create that new hairstyle that will amaze everyone!232 Center St, Auburn • 753-9368(next to Play It Again Sports)Walk-ins Welcome!HOURS: Tues – Thurs 9am - 7pm;Fri 9am - 5pm; Sat 9am - 12pmRebecca SpencerWe’re gonnamiss you, Liz!Constitutional CarryDo You know the Use ofForce Laws in Maine?• Train Safely• Carry Confidently• Learn Maine LawsCall the pros at...NRA Certified InstructionEducation • Training • Confidencerdtacticalhandgun.comDon MailhotNRA - Law Enforcement576-5131Bill RousseauNRA - Law Enforcement576-6961Roland LevasseurNRA-SIG Academy - Frontsight212-0608Only in the Movies:It does not matter ifyou are heavily outnumberedin a fightinvolving martial arts -your enemies will waitpatiently to attack youone by one by dancingaround in a threateningmanner until you haveknocked out theirpredecessors.Uncle Andy’s Digest20Ashley AlbertAUGUST 2015...withJimbo783-7039REMOTE STARTERSAC recharge orrepair available.Call us today for your newREMOTE STARTER!**Remote starters can control the ACon most vehicles. Call for details.Quality Care Auto • 183 Lisbon Street, Lisbon • 353-9862www.QCA.meL/A, we’re worththe drive! We’re5 minutes fromthe Ramada.Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you weren't asleep.

I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one.Out ’n About atHeritageCollectiblesVisit us andyou’ll find Primitives,Antiques, Art, VargasGirls & Pinups, Oddities& Curiosities, Vintage &Estate Jewelry, Militaria,Seafaring, Railroad &Americana. See ourad on page 32.John & LindaSnyderSOLD! Congratulations toRuth Guay for selling hervery first piece of art from'Becoming Neveaux'CollectionCan I trade this job for what's behind door #2?Uncle Andy’s Digest...withJimboAUGUST 2015 UncleAndys.com 21

Uncle Andy’s Digest22HillbillyHuntin’Submitted by Thomas HillA hillbilly went huntingone day in Oklahomaand bagged threeducks. He put them inthe bed of his pickuptruck and was about todrive home when hewas confronted by anornery game wardenwho didn't like hillbillies.The game wardenordered the hillbilly toshow his hunting license,and the hillbillypulled out a valid Oklahomahunting license.The game wardenlooked at the license,then reached over andpicked up one of theducks, sniffed its butt,and said "This duckain't from Oklahoma.This is a Kansas duck.You got a Kansashuntin' license, boy?"The hillbilly reachedinto his wallet and produceda Kansas huntinglicense.The game wardenlooked at it, thenreached over andgrabbed the secondduck, sniffed its butt,and said "This ain't noKansas duck. Thisduck's from Arkansas.You got a Arkansas license?"The hillbilly reachedinto his wallet and producedan Arkansashunting license.(continued on next page)AUGUST 2015...withJimbo783-7039I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.Assisted Home Care II“Our FamilyAssisting Your Family”Assisting Families since 1997.• Registered Home Health Care Service Agency• Private Duty Care & Staff Relief• 24 hour Personal Care and Response• Guarantee Continuity of Caregivers• Assist with Independent Living at HomeNow expandingour services to theMidcoast Region!11 Bank St., Brunswick • 212-6736 • assistedhomecare.orgDid you know... Heidi's makes Delicious PLATTERS andBOXED LUNCHES for your business meetings, staff luncheons andgatherings?Congratulationsto Uncle Andy’sDigest on their 20thAnniversary!Locally Owned& OperatedHOURS: Mon-Sat 7am-9pm; Sun 10am-8pm600 Turner Street, Auburn • heidisauburn.com • 784-3434OUR SERVICE DEPARTMENTComplete Auto & Light Truck Repairs • State InspectionsShocks • Suspensions • Brakes • Tune-ups • Engine ProblemsBODY SHOP NOW OPENSee us for your accident, rust or refinishing repairsCOMPARE! Cost to restore vs.cost of replacing your autoFREEESTIMATES845 Washington St. North, Auburn782-5500What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter.

Tim to Jimbo (screaming): MY WILD OATS HAVE TURNED TO SHREDDED WHEAT!(continued from previous page)The warden thenreached over andpicked up the thirdduck, sniffed its butt,and said This ain't noArkansas duck. Thishere duck's from SouthCarolina. You got aSouth Carolina huntin'license?"Again the hillbillyreached into his walletand brought out aSouth Carolina huntinglicense.The game warden wasextremely frustrated atthis point, and heyelled at the hillbilly"Just where the hellare you from?"Come checkout our brand newshop at our NEWlocation! We’re now at23 Lisbon Street, onthe Lisbon/Lewistonline.If I look confused it’s because I’m thinking.HOME OF THE 2 YEAR WARRANTYON ALL PARTS & LABOR!(no matter the mileage)WE’VEMOVED!The hillbilly turnedaround, bent over,and said "You tell me,expert."Top 5 songs inAugust 19961. Los Del Rio -Macarena (BaysideBoys Mix)2. 2 Pac - How Do UWant It3. Toni Braxton - You'reMakin' Me HighMike Smith,OwnerGRANDOPENING$AVINGS!New Customers25% OFFAny service $150 or moreTHE SHOP23 Lisbon Street, Lisbon/Lewiston line • 353-6100theshopclassicrestorations.comCurrent Customers15% OFFAny service $150 or more"If I misbehave and nobody sees me, that’s one less lie I’ll have to tell later."— Dave Dunseath4. Keith Sweat -Twisted5. Tracy Chapman -Give Me One ReasonAre the "good thingsthat come to those whowait" really just leftoversfrom people whogot there first?Uncle Andy’s Digest...withJimboAUGUST 2015 UncleAndys.com 23

Out ’n About forLewiston HighSchool’s25th Reunion for theclass of 1990Vickie Rucker &Denise VaillancourtBald isbeautiful. But don’ttell Tim I saidthat...If ignorance is bliss, why aren’t more people happy?It’s Your Wedding DayTuxes or SuitsWedding Party of 6 - Groom is FREEPlus a FREE 120 minute Tanning PackageMake it Special!For theBrideUp-stylepractice sessionUp-styleShellac ManicureSpa PedicureMake-upFREE120 minuteTanning PackageOnly $200Vickie Rucker &Kevin OsbourneCall orstop inTODAY!Uncle Andy’s Digest24Alicia PfaffAUGUST 2015...withJimbo783-7039Sarah Jeanne’s77 Sabattus Street, Lewiston • SarahJeannes.com795-6778Upstyles • Hair Services • Hair Extensions • Manicures • Shellac Polish • Pedicures • Massage • Tanning • Tuxedos • And More!Family Hair Care, Day Spa & TanningSuit & Tuxedo Sales & Rental"Great thinkers have always encountered opposition from mediocre minds."— Albert Einstein

Kayla RiouxDental AssistantIf we don’t succeed, we run the risk of failure.Dr. Michelle L. Mazur-KaryDDS, MPHYour Root CanalSpecialist!Erin BrownPractice ManagerIf we’d stop trying to be happy we could have a pretty good time.If you are going through hell, keep going.Central Maine Endodontics ispleased to announce theopening of our second locationin Yarmouth, Maine. Patientswill receive the same greatcare from board certifiedMichelle L. Mazur-Kary, DDS,MPH and her team. We lookforward to serving our greatpatients in both communities.219 Mt. Auburn Ave, Auburn ME 04210 • 10 Forest Falls DR. Unit 5, Yarmouth ME 04096783-1671 • 888-330-9600 • Fax: 783-3717email: cendodontics@roadrunner.com • www.centralmaineendodontics.comRolly’s DinerJust good cookin’ and plenty of it!Breakfast & LunchSpecials DailyStop by for lunchbefore the BalloonFestivalI just can’t getenough of thisplace!Barbara Anthoine, Gill & Ray Desmarais• Unusual Omelettes• Crepes• Breakfast All Day• Extensive Menu87 Mill St.New Auburn753-0171(for take-out)Mon – Sat 5 am – 2 pmSunday 7 am – noonAppetiteSubmitted by Thomas HillLittle Josh was broughtto Dr. Gill cause hehadn't eaten anythingfor days. Dr. Gill offeredhim all the goodieshe could think of.No luck. He tried a littlescolding. It didn't work.A little pleading, to noavail.Finally he sat down,faced the boy, lookedhim in the eye. He said"Look young man, ifyou can be stubborn,so can I. You're notgoing anywhere till youeat something. You canhave whatever youwant, but only after youhave eaten will youleave."Josh just sat andglared for some time,then said "Ok. I'll eatbut I have some conditions.First, I'll have exactlywhat I want andexactly how I want itand second you'llshare with me."Dr. Gill was ok withthis. He asked the childwhat he'd like."Worms!" said Josh.Dr. Gill was horrifiedbut didn't want to backout and seem like aloser. So, he ordered aplate of worms to bebrought in. "Not thatmany, just one," yelledJosh as he saw theplate.So, everything otherthan one worm was re-(continued on next page)Uncle Andy’s Digest...withJimboAUGUST 2015 UncleAndys.com 25

(continued from previous page)moved. Josh then demandedthat the singleworm be cut into twoand then Dr. Gill eathalf. Dr. Gill wentthrough the grossordeal, and after finishingbarely managing tokeep his cool said,"Ok, now eat!"If you are going to walk on thin ice you might as well dance.Josh refused as hesobbed, "No way! Youate my half!"The Big Moviesof 1996(according to Boxofficemojo)1. Independence Day2. Twister3. Mission: Impossible4. Jerry Maguire5. Ransom6. 101 Dalmations7. The Rock8. The Nutty Professor9. The Birdcage10. A Time To KillThe best things in life aren’t things.www.srcu4u.com1996 MostPopular TVshows:1. E.R. (NBC)2. Seinfeld (NBC)3. Suddenly Susan(NBC)4. Friends (NBC)5. The Naked Truth(NBC)6. Fired Up (NBC)7. The Single Guy(NBC)8. Home Improvement(ABC)9. Touched By AnAngel (CBS)10. 60 Minutes (CBS)Ryan Breton’s story...You saw last month in the Digest where Ryan startedand how far he has come with the treatments to remove hisfacial tattoos.Well, this is his continuing story...Ryan before starting with Your Best SkinGenerally, when we get a tattoo we feel that we are going to lovethe look for life. Unfortunately, tastes change but the art on yourbody stays and blurs with time. At Your Best Skin we havestate-of-the-art tattoo laser equipment to actually remove thatunwanted tattoo. Ryan’s story will continue, here in the Digest,on Your Best Skin’s Facebook page and website. Call to learn more!250 Center St, Auburn • Suite 206 (above Cosmo Prof)207-333-3069 • yourbestskinofmaine.comRyan continues his ongoing treatments,with a vast reduction in visibility of his tattoos.Call us today to learn moreabout how we can reducewrinkles, rejuvenate skin,remove tattoos and fat!Uncle Andy’s Digest26AUGUST 2015...withJimbo783-7039Judge a man by his questions rather than his answers.

Monday is the root of all evil.Gettin’ HosedSABATTUSMAIN STREET MARKET2 Main Street, Sabattus375-8502Declan Carrieron hydration practicesI’ll be asgood as new soon...until then please feelbad for me.It’s BBQ Season!We have steak, chicken,burger, deli salads,produce and the coldestbeverages around!GET IT HERE!We’re A LOT More Thanjust a pizza joint!Try us once,you’ll be a regular!Rilee CarrierYup!I’m driving!!OPEN 7 Days 6am - 8pmSABATTUSMAIN STREET MARKET2 Main Street, Sabattus375-8502$5 .00 OFFANY 2 LARGEPIZZASUAD Expires 8.31.15Mariah & MoxieCarrieron Golden Taylor PondNothing will dispel enthusiasm like a small admission fee.Uncle Andy’s Digest...withJimboAUGUST 2015 UncleAndys.com 27

PaybackSubmitted by JimboMy five year old sonsquealed with delightwhen he opened hisbirthday present fromhis grandmother. It wasa water pistol. Hepromptly ran to thesink to fill it.“Mom,” I said. “I'm surprisedat you. Don'tyou remember how weused to drive you crazywith water pistols?”My mom smiledand said, “Yes, Iremember.”Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?600 Center St. • Shaw’s Plaza, Auburn • 784-6766 • www.DaysJewelers.comSince 1914Watch Battery Special!All batteriesOnly$1 .00Limit one watchbattery per couponHome of Maine’s LARGEST Diamond SelectionTalk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.Out ’n About with Androscoggin Dental Groupa going away party for Liz MulderigMy brother issuch a poser!Thanksfor the really funsend off. Greatmemories!Hurry upand take thepicture... I can’tflex for muchlonger...Ashley, Tina, Liz & Mary-AnneCraig, Jake, Liz & Ryan MulderigUncle Andy’s Digest28Looking back20 YearsThe #1 song on Thursday,August 1st 1996was: You're Makin' MeHigh by Toni BraxtonThank you L/A for 20GREAT YEARS!– UADAUGUST 2015...withJimbo783-7039Uncle Andy’s Digest is 10,518,980 minutes old... and counting!August 4, 1996: 26th Olympic games close at Atlanta, GeorgiaAugust 6, 1996: NASA announces that life may have existed on Mars.August 10, 1996: Bob Dole picks Jack Kemp as his RepublicanVice Presidential running mate.Tact is the art of making a point without making an enemy.

Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.Out ’n About at theLiberty FestivalBack 2SchoolKids CutsOnly $ 10PedicuresOnly $ 30FullHead ofFoils$10 OFFMention this ad336 Center St.Auburn777-1611Jen Darcy Kelley Amanda ChristopherSam Roy &Maxwell Draperstrumming their air guitars inbetween performances forPelletier’s Karate.Spelling is a lossed art.JOIN US EVERY THURSDAY!Ladies Night • 1/2 priced drinks • LIVE MUSIC outside on our PatioAugust Line-up:6th- The Help13th - Rebekah &A Moments Notice20th - Michael Krapovicky27th - Tom GurneyCassie & DianaRoyThe Railslead to 103 LincolnStreet in Lewiston.Come get your Localmotionon!Wed - Hump Day • Happy Hour 5pm-7pmFri - Guys Night Out • 1/2 priced Beers 5pm-close103 Lincoln Street, Lewiston • 333-3070 • railsmaine.comTuesday - Thursday 11am - 9pm; Friday & Saturday 11am - 10pmStop searching. Happiness is right next to you.Ileshea StoweUncle Andy’s Digest...withJimboAUGUST 2015 UncleAndys.com 29

Out ’n About atRAILSLife isgood!Of course there’s no reason for it, it’s just our policy.Diane Barrett,Fred Hammond &Claire DickCaught RedHandedSubmitted by Thomas HillA Cajun was stoppedby a game warden inSouthern Louisiana recentlywith two icechests of fish, leaving abayou well known forits fishing. The gamewarden asked the man,"I have caught you redhanded. Do you have alicense to catch thosefish?""Nah, ma fren, I ain'tgot none of dem, no.Dese here are my petfish.""Pet fish?""Ya. Avery night I takedese here fish down tode bayou and let demswim 'round for awhile. Den I whistleand dey jump rat backinta dis here ice chestand I take dem home.""That's a bunch ofhooey! Fish can't do(continued on next page)Uncle Andy’s Digest30AUGUST 2015...withJimbo783-7039Old age is nothing to worry about, except if you’re a cheese.

"Remember to always be yourself. Unless you suck." — Joss Whedon(continued from previous page)that!"The Cajun looked atthe game warden for amoment and then said,"It's de truth ma' fren.I'll show you. It reallyworks.""Okay, I've GOT to seethis!"The Cajun poured thefish into the bayou andstood and waited. Afterseveral minutes, thegame warden turned tohim and said, "Well?""Well, what?" Said theCajun."When are you goingto call them back?""Call who back?""The FISH!""What fish?"Out ’n AboutSome downtime from theJ-O-B is just whatthe doctor ordered.Work isoverrated!Declan, Andy &Dustin CarrierSleep: a completely inadequate substitute for caffeine.Uncle Andy’s Digest...withJimboAUGUST 2015 UncleAndys.com 31

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CALL THE PROSRuby Rose Frozen Custard* Frozen Custard Made Daily *Soft Serve & Dole Whip - Fat Free/Dairy Free1184 Maine St.Rt. 26 Poland998-226250¢ OFFon regular priced itemswith this adexp. 8/31/15Open DailyNoon - 9:30PMAceto & SonsEarthwork LLCEVERYTHING OLD ORCHARD!$150 OFFwith this ad• Driveways• Patios• Walkways• Porches• Steps• PoolscapesExcavation & LandscapingDan Aceto740-6763daceto@live.comFully InsuredCertified in Erosion ControlFREE WEEK OF CHILDCARE! *Plus free registration ( $ 25 value)*Sign up for 4 consecutive weeks of childcare and your 5th week is✃free.Expires 8.31.15 (UAD)EarlyLearning Center301 Sawyer Rd, Greene • 946-KIDSCongratulationsto new ownersAmy & Chris!995 Center St., Auburn • 782-0052info@gamachelessard.com/www.windowdecorators.comLaBonte Financial ServicesTax Consultants & Advisors• Affordable MonthlyBookkeeping• Accounts Receivables/Payables• Bank Reconciliations• General LedgersCall for FREEEstimate!Bert LaBonte, CPA, MBA, MST155 Center Street, Auburn • 782-9500 • bglcpa@aol.comMy internet is so slow, it's just faster to drive to the Google headquarters and ask them questions in person.

CALL THE PROSJoin us for some Affordable FUN!$10 up to 48 cards - Games pay $ 50 - $ 100No Event Too Big or Too SmallWe Cater ALL!423-6666Located at Elizabeth Ann’s, East Ave, LewistonSunday at 6:00PMWed., Thurs, & Fridayat 6:30PMPleasant Street Bingo Hall475 Pleasant St., Lewiston • 777-1394DownEast Vapes1485 Lisbon St.Lewiston (next to Fast Breaks)241-0591DownEastVapes.comMaine’s Favorite Vaping OutletHandcrafted Signature E-juiceE-cigs • Mod’s • RDA’s • BatteriesVaping Supplies20% OFFBottle of E-JuiceLimit one bottle per customerwith coupon✃Blackie’s FarmFresh ProduceOpen Year Round966 Minot Ave, Auburn • 786-0005 • 6am - 8pmor996 Sabattus St, Lewiston • 786-4356 • 6am - 6:30pmServicesRenderedSubmitted by Thomas HillA maid is being firedfor shoddy work.Since 1953Sun – Thurs: 9am-10pm; Fri & Sat: 9am-11pmLuiggisPizzeria.comWhen her employerhas finished talking themaid takes $20 out ofher purse and gives itto her now ex-boss.SUNDAYBaked Ziti$6.00MONDAYThe Fergysm $2.50lg $5.00TUESDAYMeatball SubsWEDNESDAYSpaghetti Dinners1 meatball, salad,sm $3.35 w/ch $ 3.99garlic bread, drinklg $6.50 w/ch $ 7.50 $5.25“What’s this for?” asksher former employer.“Its for your dog,”replies the maid. “He’sbeen helping me cleanthe dishes for weeks!”Uncle Andy’s Digest34AUGUST 2015...withJimbo783-7039THURSDAYMini Pizza1 topping $2.992 toppings $3.99FRIDAY$1.00 OFFAny Large PizzaSATURDAY2 Ham or SalamiItaliansEVERY DAY: Regular Pizza with Drink $ 5.50The ability to quote is a serviceable substitute for wit.$7.99

RETAIL • WHOLESALE • REDEMPTION • LIQUOR STORE5 Locations for Your ConvenienceROOPERSLISBON ST.Now SellingLiquor!ATM’s onsite & Lottery/Megabucks!Sabattus Street, Lewiston Lisbon Street, Lewiston Main Street, AuburnNew Walk-inSoda Cooler!694 Main St.Lewiston • 782-1482Minot Ave, AuburnBeer SpecialsBud/Bud Lt/Lime 18 Pack . . . . . . . . . .$12.99LongTrail/Otter Creek 12 Packs . . . . $13.99Becks/Bass 12 Packs . . . . . . . . . . . . $10.99Coney Island Root Beer 6 Packs . . . . $9.99Angry Orchard 12 Packs . . . . . . . . . .$13.99Guinness 12 Packs . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$14.99Leinenkugel 12 Packs . . . . . . . . . . . .$13.99Founders 15 Packs . . . . . . . . . . . . . . $16.99Narragansett 12 Packs (Retro Jaws Package) $9.99Wine SpecialsWoodbridge 1.5L . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . $9.99Cavit 1.5L . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$10.99Lamarca Prosecco 750ml . . . . . . . . .$11.99Newman 750ml . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$8.99Black Box 3L . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$19.99Mezzacorona 1.5L . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$10.99Yellowtail 1.5L . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$9.99SodaMaine Root 12oz . . . . . . . . . . . . .2 for $3.00Pepsi/Coke 2 Liter . . . . . . . . . . . . 2 for $3.00794 Sabattus St.Lewiston • 783-6353WHAT’S BREWINGAND ALWAYS NEWYOUR BETTER BEER PIONEERSSince 1992Grey Goose750ml $24.99Save $51420 Lisbon St.Lewiston • 333-3095Crown Royal750ml $21.99Save $5Bacardi 1.75L$19.99 Save $6Captain Morgans1.75L $24.99Save $5Michelob Ultra Golf Bag Give-a-way!at all Roopers locations!545 Minot Ave.Auburn • 783-2047Main Street, LewistonJack Daniels 1.75L$39.99Save $5Jose Cuervo750ml $15.99Save $4303-311 Main St.Auburn • 783-9098

Out ’n About atFUSEWhen in doubt, poke it with a stick.Qing up the BBQAlabama stylewith Alabama BBQTimmy Rucker,I need a DunkinDonuts coffee,STAT!Vincent Oden &Doreen ShurtleffWith a rubber duck, you’re never alone.Diane Peterson& Dawn MooreI’ve got the wholeworld in my hands...CAMERON TIRE & SERVICEFAMILY OWNED & OPERATED SINCE 1983We’recelebrating 32Years! And Congratsto UAD on their20th!OUR TIRESScooterWe can do it:• Wheel alignment& balancing• Complete brakework• Engine tune-up• Lube-oil-filter• State InspectionsUncle Andy’s Digest36Don Hebert of the VeggiesLights the FUSEAUGUST 2015...withJimbo783-703960 Minot Ave., Auburn • 782-6666 or 783-2026Worry is a misuse of the imagination.

You’re driving a car. It isn’t a telephone booth, a beauty parlor or a restaurant.NOW HIRING!Make a difference in the lives of adults orchildren while having a rewarding career!Work one on one with adults and children with a diagnosedintellectual disability in support of their treatment goals both intheir homes and in the community. Must have a valid driver’slicense and a high school diploma or GED.Whether you are skilled social services professionalor someone who is just starting out in this industry,Merrymeeting Behavioral Health has a place for you toutilize and/or build your skills!76 Pleasant Street, Brunswick • 207-721-0214Merrymeetingbha.com • hr@merrymeetingbha.com• 100% Paid Training• Flexible Hours• FT and PT Positions• Benefits for FT Staff• Mileage ReimbursementWilling to traingood people!Apply online TODAY!!You’re just jealous because the little voices only talk to me.Out ’n About with Lewiston High School’sClass of 1990: 25th ReunionMoneyLaunderingSubmitted by JimboLittle Johnny was playingwith his father'swallet when he accidentallyswallowed aquarter. He went cryingto his mom, choking onthe quarter.They took him to adoctor, who said thatthe quarter was impossibleto remove withoutsurgery, they consulteda specialist who was ofthe same opinion.Then came a man whosaid he could get themoney out in a jiffy.He turned little Johnnyupside down and pattedhim with great precisionon the back ofneck and, sureenough, the quarterrolled out.Everyone was amazed,the father said youmust be an expert!The man replied,“No sir I'm just a taxcollector.”Didn’t Know That!You haven’t been usingketchup cups to their fullpotential! Instead of grabbingmultiple cups ofketchup, simply pull apartat the edges for twice thespace.You’re only young once, but you can be immature forever.Uncle Andy’s Digest...withJimboAUGUST 2015 UncleAndys.com 37

Out ’n About withCommunityCredit Unionat the 4th of July paradein TurnerDisinformation is not as good as datinformation.DONATION YOGAOffering Donation Only Yoga ClassesClass Schedule: www.Yogave.comFEEL GOODReduce Stress Improve WellnessKierstyn Barnies, ChelseyKing, Natalie Green &Isaiah WrightDalila Dube &Chase HoganWell Heart YogaTeacher Training SchoolBecome a Yoga Instructor!Monthly Training: www.wellheartyoga.com200 hour YTT Certification; 95 hour CRYS Children’s YTT Certification;300 hour Advanced Study CertificationUncle Andy’s Digest38Trent SibleyAUGUST 2015...withJimbo783-7039120 Center Street Plaza, Auburn • 170 US Rt 1, Falmouth • Yogave.comWorry is like a rocking chair; it keeps you busy, but gets you nowhere.

Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.Bookkeeping Success Starts with US!Now Offering Quickbooks Classes for Beginners!Call NOWto register!Introduction to QuickbooksWe also offer: Bookkeeping for Small Businesses • Company Set-up in QuickbooksIndividual Training also available by appointmentBookkeeping Plus9 Grove Street, Auburn • 782-8124 • amanda.bplus@myfairpoint.netMy weight is perfect for my height -- which varies.As appeared in our firstedition, August 1996Love:The One CreativeForceSpread love everywhereyou go: first of all in yourown house. Give love toyour children, to yourwife or husband, to anext door neighbor.Let no one ever come toyou without leaving betterand happier. Be theliving expression ofGod’s kindness; kindnessin your face, kindnessin your eyes,kindness in your smile,kindness in your warmgreeting.– Mother Teresa“Where you’retreated like family.”Dave J. Roy782-99991-877-375-4888dave@a1gutters.mewww.a1seamlessguttersmaine.comTHOMAS BAUER, DDS, MS1 Willow Run, Mt. Auburn Ave, Auburn784-8587 or (888) 895-6801AndroscogginOrtho.comJimbo always waited an hour after eatingbefore he cleaned the aquarium.She acts like summer and walks like rain.Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?Uncle Andy’s Digest...withJimboAUGUST 2015 UncleAndys.com 39

No VacancySubmitted by Thomas HillBy the time the soldierpulled into the littletown, every hotel roomwas taken.“You’ve got to have aroom somewhere,”he pleaded with aproprietor.“Well, I do have a doubleroom with one occupant,but he is an AirForce guy, admittedthe manager, and hemight be glad to splitthe cost. But to tell youthe truth, he snores soloudly that people inadjoining rooms havecomplained in the past.I’m not sure it’d beworth it to you.”“No problem” the tiredArmy guy assured him,“I’ll take it.”The next morning thesoldier came down tobreakfasts bright-eyedand bushy tailed.“How’d you sleep?”asked the manager.“Never better,” said thesoldier.My new health club is so fancy, they have a spiral StairMaster.Come SEA us for our...SUMMER LIVEMUSIC SERIESThursday August 6th • 7-10pmMighty LionThursday August 20th • 7-10pmShady LadyNOCoverCharge!Celebrate Summer with Us!iPad Drawing on Aug. 20thSponsored by Federal DistributorsThe manager was impressed.“No problemwith the other guysnoring all night long?”“No, I shut him up in notime,” explained thesoldier.“How’d you managethat?” asked theproprietor.Uncle Andy’s Digest40(continued on next page)AUGUST 2015...withJimbo783-7039Japanese CuisineHibachi • Sushi • Japanese CuisineLate Night lounge40 East Ave., Lewiston • 795-6888 • www.sea40me.comDon't let aging get you down...It's too hard to get back up!

The ladder of success is difficult to climb with your hands in your pockets.FREE Kids HaircutMom, book a cut and color and geta Kid’s Cut Absolutely Free!Call for an appointment(continued from previous page)“Well, he was alreadyin bed, snoring away,when I walked into theroom, so I gave him akiss on the cheek,” explainedthe soldier.“Then, I whispered inhis ear “Good nightbeautiful,” and he satup all night watchingme.Didn’t Know That!71 East Avenue • Lewiston 783-3321 • www.cassiels.comNew Patient Special$88 Includes: Cleaning, Exam, & Xrays“Affordable Dental Excellence”Caring family Dentists & Specialists!488 Sabattus St., Lewiston • 783-8800 • www.androscoggindentalgroup.comSweet Pea DesignsWedding Planner & Floral StudioHappy 20thUncle Andy’s Digest!I’m proud to be a celebrityin this great mag!!777-1520sweetpeafloraldesignsme.comI'm as confused as a mosquito in a mannequin factory.Sweet Pea iscelebrating their11th Year!Always FREEDelivery in L/AYou’ve been dispensingTic Tacs the hardway!You know how whenyou violently shake acontainer of Tic Tacsinto your palm it seemsas though you alwaysend up with zero orseven? Avoid that altogetherby letting a mintgently glide into thetiny lid crevice.Out ’n About atFUSEWe hear theDigest is TWOdecades old!HappyAnniversary,guys!Uncle Andy’s Digest...withJimboAUGUST 2015 UncleAndys.com 41

We’rehonored thatour firstappearance in theDigest happensto fall in their20th Anniversaryedition.Congratulations!Keep up thegood work!My mail is a little slow. Last month my flower seeds came as a bouquet.Matt & RebekahLeonardBrand new Auburn residentsand Matt is the new Presidentof the AndroscogginChamber.4 by 2’sSubmitted by Thomas HillA guy walks into ahardware store andasks the worker forsome 4-by-2s.The employee says,"We don't have any 4-by-2s, we only have 2-by-4s."The guy thinks a bitand says, "I need tocheck with my boss.He's out in the truck."A few minutes later, theguy walks back in. "I'lltake those 2-by-4s.The boss says we canjust turn them around."Uncle Andy’s Digest42AUGUST 2015...withJimbo783-7039Into every life some rain must fall. Usually when your car windows are down.

I'm an expert at multitasking. I can cheat on six diets at the same time.I herebyproclaim thatevery residentfrom LA attend thisgreat event and helpUncle Andy’s Digestgrant TWO wishesfor Make-A-Wishon August 15thatMac’s Grill!Auburn MayorJonathan LaBontesavors his favoritemonthly magazine. Heasked us not to tell anyone.We told him his secretwas safe with us.SupportSubmitted by Thomas HillThe prospective sonin-lawwas asked byhis girl friend's father,"Son, can you supporta family?""Well, no, sir," hereplied. "I was justplanning to supportyour daughter. The restof you have to fend foryourselves."I used to be lost in the shuffle. Now I just shuffle along with the lost.Uncle Andy’s Digest...withJimboAUGUST 2015 UncleAndys.com 43

Out ’n About withSabattus CreditUnionat the 9th AnnualSabattus Summer FestRichard Moylan(207) 777-0050791 Kittyhawk Ave.Unit 5, Auburnrichardmoylan@allstate.comExcuse me for driving so closely in front of you.Amanda Ashtonat the face painting table.Face Painting is alwaysfun!Auto Home Life RetirementInsurance and coverages subject to terms. qualifications and availability. Allstate Property and Casualty Insurance Company,Allstate Fire and Casualty Insurance Company: Northbrook, Illinois © 2010 Allstate Insurance CompanyNever take a pill that has more side effects than you have symptoms.Water Balloon TossReady to get wet?The TrickSubmitted by Thomas Hill"Oh, boy! I'm gladyou're here," the littleboy said to his grandmotheron his mother'sside."Why?" she asked."Because now Daddywill do the trick he'sbeen promising us."• Collision Auto Repair• Auto Refinishing• Custom Paint782-7113Monday - Thursday 7am - 5pm; Friday 7am - 3pmArmand’s Auto Body is recognized by ASE (Automotive Service Excellence) as aBlue Seal certified shop. Armand’s holds itself to the highest standard not only incustomer satisfaction but also with its certification, and continued education!Get Your FREEQuote Today!• Frame Straightening• Unibody Straightening• Rust Repair"What trick?""Well, he told Mommythat if you came tovisit, he would climbthe walls."31 Blake Street, Lewiston • 782-7113 • armandsautobody.comUncle Andy’s Digest44AUGUST 2015...withJimbo783-7039How am I? If I were any better, I'd be twins.

I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once.Located in the building behind Dad’s PlaceHours: Monday - Sunday 9am - 5pm(closed Tuesdays & Major Holidays)DAD’S PLACEREDEMPTION23 Pleasant St, Mechanic Falls • 345-5551Bottle DrivesWelcome!I couldn't decide which of two physicians to see. It was a paradox.Ribbon cutting with the Chamber atHeritage Collectibles in LewistonSummer Time!Get Your returnablesto Dad’s RedemptionToday!✃Dad’s Redemption6¢on all 5¢ returnswith this coupon.(must present coupon atRedemption Center prior to counting)UAD expires 8.31.15Florist FriarsSubmitted by Thomas HillTwo friars were behindon their belfry payments,so they openedup a small florist shopto raise funds.Since everyone liked tobuy flowers from themen of God, a rivalflorist across townthought the competitionwas unfair.He asked the good fathersto close down,but they would not. Hewent back and beggedthe friars to close.They ignored him. So,the rival florist hiredHugh MacTaggart, theroughest and most viciousthug in town to"persuade" them toclose. Hugh beat upthe friars and trashedtheir store, saying he'dbe back if they didn'tclose up shop.Terrified, they did so,thereby proving thatHugh, and only Hugh,can prevent floristfriars.Didn’t Know That!Sabattus CU Staff: Amanda Ashton, MichelleBrown, Paige Frechette & Kirsten AllenI'm in therapy now. I used to be in denial, which was a lot cheaper.According to the government, a taxpayer is someone who has what it takes.Part of being sane is being a little bit crazy.You probably don’trealize it, but your potscome with built-inspoon rests.Uncle Andy’s Digest...withJimboAUGUST 2015 UncleAndys.com 45

InsuranceSubmitted by ThomasWhen I go to a restaurant I always ask the manager, "Give me a table near a waiter."A doctor vacationing onthe Riviera met an oldlawyer friend andasked him what he wasdoing there. Thelawyer replied, "Rememberthat lousy realestate I bought? Well,it caught fire, so here Iam with the fire insuranceproceeds. Whatare you doing here?"The doctor replied,"Remember that lousyreal estate I had in Mississippi?Well, the riveroverflowed, and here Iam with the flood insuranceproceeds."The lawyer looked puzzled."Gee," he asked,"how do you start aflood?"Didn’t Know That!Soda tabs double asstraw holders.Turn the tab around so thatit acts as holder that canstop the straw from raisingout of the can as the sodafizzes.Uncle Andy’s Digest46AUGUST 2015...withJimbo783-7039A horse may be coaxed to drink, but a pencil must be lead.

A clean house indicates that there is a broken computer in it.Cleaning Bucket ListHouse Cleaning • Janitorial ServicesCustomized Cleaning • Floor ServicesPest Control PrepFREE Estimates • Reasonable RatesCall Chrissy TODAY!Locally Owned & Operated • Satisfaction Guaranteedchrissysdownhomecleaning@gmail.comCHRISSY’S DOWN HOME CLEANING • 207-754-4266SponsorVanna White has been very sick. She hasn't had a vowel movement since Thursday.GRAND RE-BIRTH24 Mollison Way, Lewiston • 786-2695215 Whitten Rd., Hallowell • 623-600Lewiston & Augusta locations are celebrating the GRAND RE-BIRTH of theSparetime Lewiston location on August 29, 2015The Place For All Your Fun Recreation Needs!NEW 12 Candle Pin Lanes • 22 NEW Ten Pin Lanes • NEW ArcadeNEW Front Desk & Snack Bar • NEW Furniture • NEW PARTY ROOMSwww.sparetimerec.comSo what if you can't spell Armageddon. It's not the end of the world.Young fan,Delanie Wetherell(submitted by mom,Michelle)This is about the age we liketo start our fans at. That’swhy we deliver to everypreschool in Maine ;)A man goes to doctorand says:“Doctor, I have a problem.When I drink tea,my eye aches andwhen I stop, it stopstoo. Can you help me?”Doctor says: “ Take thespoon out of the cup!”Come see usat our NEWLocation!We’re now at61 Mill Street inNew Auburn(in the old PontbriandHardware building)61 Mill Street, New Auburn • 783-6927 or 1-800-834-5706Mon-Fri 7:30-5:30 • Sat. 8-4 • MySelco.comWalk-insWelcome740-6316$10 CUTS184 Turner St. Auburn(Next to Coastal T-shirts)hwilliamsbarber.comHours: Tue. Wed. Fri. 8-4Thurs. 8-5 • Sat. 8-12Don't you wish life was as interesting as you let on it is on Facebook?Uncle Andy’s Digest...withJimboAUGUST 2015 UncleAndys.com 47

LipstickSubmitted by Thomas HillAccording to a newsreport, a certain privateschool in Brisbanewas recently faced witha unique problem. Anumber of 12-year-oldgirls were beginning touse lipstick and wouldput it on in the bathroom.That was fine, but afterthey put on their lipstickthey would presstheir lips to the mirrorleaving dozens of littlelip prints.Every night the maintenanceman would removethem and thenext day the girlswould put them back.Finally the principal decidedthat somethinghad to be done.I don't want to make anyone jealous, but I can still fit into the ear ringsI wore in high school.NEW AUBURN SOCIAL CLUB7 SECOND ST. AUBURN • 782-9039Balloon Festival Weekend Party!Outside • Aug. 21st & 22ndLive Bands • Canned Beer $1.25Inaugural Al Pepin MemorialPool TournamentSaturday, August 29th • Starts at 10:30am • $20 entry feeSpaghetti Dinner 4-6pm (donations accepted)Raffles - Drink Specials!Cash Prizes and a trophy to the winner! 100% Payout - money addedI planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.She called all the girlsto the bathroom andmet them there withthe maintenance man.She explained that allthese lip prints werecausing a major problemfor the custodianwho had to clean themirrors every night(you can just imaginethe yawns from the littleprincesses).To demonstrate howdifficult it had been toclean the mirrors, sheasked the maintenanceman to show the girlshow much effort wasrequired.He took out a longhandledsqueegee,Uncle Andy’s Digest48(continued on next page)AUGUST 2015...withJimbo783-7039Showing offour stuff isSENSEI-TIONAL.Just saying...Pelletier’s Karate performs at the Liberty FestivalPeople who save their money for a rainy day end up getting soaked by the government.

The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.(continued from previous page)dipped it in the toilet,and cleaned the mirrorwith it.Since then, there havebeen no lip prints onthe mirror.There are teachers....and then there areeducators.FastSubmitted by Thomas HillThree boys are in theschoolyard braggingabout how great theirfathers are.The first one says:"Well, my father runsthe fastest. He can firean arrow, and start torun, I tell you, he getsthere before thearrow."The second one says:"Ha! You think that'sfast! My father is ahunter. He can shoothis gun and be therebefore the bullet."The third one listens tothe other two andshakes his head. Hethen says: "You twoknow nothing aboutfast. My father is a civilservant. He stopsworking at 4:30 and heis home by 3:45!"Great FallsBalloonFestivalAug. 21-23At this age I would be unstoppable, if I could only get started...Uncle Andy’s Digest...withJimboAUGUST 2015 UncleAndys.com 49

Out ’n About atSarah Jeanne’sMy toys! My toys! I can't do this job without my toys!presentsCongrats toJimbo and the gangat Uncle Andy’s Digeston TWO DECADESin print!Tanya Wing &Julia Levesque(mother & daughter)yuk it up while gettingtheir hair done at SarahJeanne’s.Duh LicenseSubmitted by Thomas HillA young man from Mississippicomes runninginto the store and saysto his buddy, “Bubba,somebody just stoleyour pickup truck fromthe parking lot!”Bubba replies, “Did yousee who it was?”Saturday, August 29thStarting at 1pm at theAndroscoggin Bank Colisee190 Birch St. LewistonHosted By Z105.5’s Matty B.6 BANDS COMPETING ARE:Broken Empire • The SkidmarksFading Dawn • Unorganized HancockRandom Ideas • Work in ProgressProceeds benefit the L/A Fighting Spirit Jr. Hockey teamThe young man answers,“I couldn't tell,but I got his licensenumber.”Uncle Andy’s Digest50AUGUST 2015...withJimbo783-7039Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself,"Where the heck is the ceiling?!"

Dear Lord, there is a bug in your software...it's called #Monday, please fix it...Affordable Vendor& Retail space available!Contact usTODAY!!Bargain Hunters Wanted!Hours: Wed. & Thurs. 9–4; Sat. & Sun. 9–5Located at the start of theLisbon Trail System!One Upland Road, Lisbon • LisbonMill@yahoo.com • 207-577-0191I love my life, but it just wants to be friends.Some of our Vendors:Don’s Woodcarvings,John’s Quality Books,Wishful Things, Comics,Cards & Collectibles,Madhouse Games& Much More!Stock MarketSubmitted by Thomas HillIt's been a rocky weekfor the Stock Market.Here's a summary:Helium was up, featherswere down. Paper wasstationary. TiconderogaPencils lost a fewpoints. Though Elevatorsrose, escalatorscontinued their slow decline.Weights were up inheavy trading. Lightswitches were off. Miningequipment hit rockbottom. The market forraisins dried up. Pampersremained unchanged.Caterpillar stock inchedup a bit. Sun peaked atmidday. Birds Eye PeasSplit. Stanley Tools filedfor Chapter 11 and ScottTissues touched a newbottom.I’ve alwayswanted to be inthe Digest!Patrick Schad, Nicole Bonnell & Doug BarberousseCarol White-St. Pierrerecently visited her pier in San Francisco. A slightlydifferent spelling, but none-the-less, we say it’shers. Carol is an avid UAD fan and always takesher Digest with her on her trips around the world.If you had to specify, in one word, why the human race will never achieve its fullpotential, that word would be meetings.Uncle Andy’s Digest...withJimboAUGUST 2015 UncleAndys.com 51

Gas ProblemSubmitted by Thomas HillNice perfume. Must you marinate in it?A little old lady goes tothe doctor and says,"Doctor I have thisproblem with gas, but itreally doesn't botherme too much. My fartsnever smell and are alwayssilent. As a matterof fact, I've farted atleast 20 times sinceI've been here in youroffice. You didn't knowI was farting becausethey don't smell andare silent."The doctor says, "Isee. Take these pillsand come back to seeme next week."The next week the ladycomes back. "Doctor,"she says, "I don't knowwhat the hell you gaveme, but now my farts...although still silent...stink terribly."The doctor says,"Good!!! Now thatwe've cleared up yoursinuses, let's work onyour hearing."Q: Where does anelephant go when hewants to lie down?Q: A man went to playgolf for the day. Hetook his golf clubs andtwo pairs of pants.What were the extrapants for?A: In case he got a holein-one.A: Anywhere he pleases.Uncle Andy’s Digest52AUGUST 2015...withJimbo783-7039How do I set a laser printer to stun?

It’s the squeaky wheel that gets the grease.Farm Store GrandRe-Opening!Whiting Farm StandFresh picked vegetables & local products for sale!Watch for moreexciting items in thecoming months!Come supportyour local farm!Supported by:876 Summer St., Auburn • 782-2726I’m not mentally ill, I just have a problem with reality.The BlessingSubmitted by Thomas HillA wife invited somepeople to dinner. At thetable, she turned totheir six-year-olddaughter and said,"Would you like to saythe blessing?""I wouldn't know whatto say", the girl replied."Just say what youhear Mommy say", thewife answered.The daughter bowedher head and said,"Lord, why on earth didI invite all these peopleto dinner?"The Greene GatorsOut ’n About with CommunityCredit Unionat the 4th of July parade in TurnerFun in the sun!Red,white &blue,baby!We are the Champions!The Gators of Greene captured the end of the season tournament title in theAK U12 Girls Softball League. They also finished first place in the regular season.They had a combined record of 13-0 for the year. Pictured above are:(front row l to r): Lotus Laverdiere, Leah Maheux, Autumn Estabrook, CourtneyCabral & Baylee Lane. Middle row: Carlie Leavitt, Morgan Bilodeau, JaydenCarpenter, Riley Theriault, Cadence McDowell, Kendra Crosby, & partiallyhidden, Shea Marston. Back row: Coach Scott Maheux, Coach Heather Carpenter,Coach Jeff Bilodeau & Coaches helper, Cierra Hilliard. Missing at timeof photo was coaches helper, Delanie Strout.Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.Shane Michaud, Natalie Green, Ashley Ward, Chelsey &Kierstyn Barnies, Abby & Noah Ward, Joann Jackson, HarleyLausier, Isaiah Wright, Parker Mason, Jen & Chase Hogan,Betsy Sibley, Willow Lausier, Catherine Ouellette, Trent Sibley,Wendy Lausier, Sienna Lausier, Dalila Dube, Xavier &Bria Duncan, Michelle St. Hilaire.Uncle Andy’s Digest...withJimboAUGUST 2015 UncleAndys.com 53

Out ’n About atFUSEYou know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.Jeremy CaronAll in theFamily!Ron Pyser withAmy & Chris BilodeauRon & Jannine Pyser purchasedGamache & Lessard in1983. They have run the businessever since. ChrisBilodeau started workingthere in 1995 and Amy(Ron’s daughter) came onboard in 1998. Chris andAmy purchased the familybusiness in January of thisyear. Congratulations Amy &Chris!Q: Why did the dinosaurwalk across the road?A: Because chickenswere not invented yet.Uncle Andy’s Digest54AUGUST 2015...withJimbo783-7039It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee maker.

It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy.Call forDetails!Need to Raise Money?Do a Car Wash Fundraiser!We supply the labor - you do the marketing!We Support OurCommunity!LIQUID SUNSHINECAR WASH & DETAIL865 Sabattus Street Lewiston • 333-3004Hours: Mon- Fri 8:30am - 5:00pm • Sat 8:30am - 4:00pm HAND CAR WASH • TOTAL RECONDITIONING • FAIR PRICING!Mon.-Thurs. 7am-5pmFri. by appointmentYen-Chang Chen, D.M.D.Dr. Chen and his staff are dedicated to providing a pleasant, stress-free visitwith results that you will be proud to show off.Visit us at our state of the art office at:730 Center St • Auburn (Big Lots) Plaza783-1351Same Day Emergency CareWe are a preferred Northeast Delta providerauburnplazafamilydentistry.comUncleAndysDigest.com