SCRABBLE - The Last Word Newsletter

T H E N E R V O U S R A C KAs for the books I read…. One was a novel called The New Yorkers by Cathleen Schine that has todo with dogs, romance, and urban living. (Though not about romance among dogs.) It’s veryreadable in terms of plot, but the point of view is all over the place. I reread Milan Kundera’s TheBook of Laughter and Forgetting, which wasn’t quite as dazzling the second time around. Also—avery depressing but well written book of short stories with the great title The Beautiful Wishes ofUgly Men by Adam Prince. And, finally, Stealing Buddha’s Dinner, by an author whose first name isBich but is pronounced Bic and whose last name I don’t remember and am too lazy to look up. It’san engaging memoir about growing up Vietnamese-American in Michigan.Speaking of books, I’m waiting for someone to write a novel about SCRABBLE. I haven’t read DawnTripp’s Game of Secrets (not to be confused with Game of Thrones), but I have it on my nightstand.I don’t think it has much to do with tournaments, though. I would love to see a novel aboutSCRABBLE tournaments, especially the Nationals. So many interesting things happen—people fallin love, make friends, make enemies, learn important truths about themselves. All this in addition towinning and losing and making great plays and blundering and cheating and swearing.The novel could then be turned into a movie, kind of like Qwerty but with more realistic SCRABBLEdepictions. I liked Qwerty, once I got over the fact that it’s not so much a movie about SCRABBLE,but rather a film that uses SCRABBLE to reveal character and provide a mechanism to move alongthe plot. The characters are likeable, the actors don’t overact, and it’s refreshing to see a woman(even though she is under thirty) do so well in the SCRABBLE world.Yes, I’m aware of the film’s flaws. The finalists in the big SCRABBLE tournament play obviousphonies, including three- and four-letter phonies. They rarely bingo. And, most egregiously, they usethe blank for no extra points. Also, the television “commentators” who are analyzing the game makea big deal of the importance of defense in SCRABBLE. Moments later we are shown very openboards with ample triple-triples opportunities.Maybe I’ll write a novel about SCRABBLE—about competition, the complex nature of humaninteractions, and the perplexity and wonderfulness of words. If I’m offered enough money, I’ll do thescreenplay as well. The movie would star Bette Midler as me—the way I am now. The younger mewould be played by Ellen Barkin. The character based on Marty would be played by Harrison Ford.The younger Marty would be played by Harrison Ford with youth-enhancing make-up.Players who don’t follow the rules or who beat me too often in real life would be played by thefollowing: Steve Buscemi, Camilla Parker-Bowles, Danny DeVito, Snooki, Rosie O’Donnell, the guywho played the Russian villain on the television drama 24, and the shark on Jaws.In the movie I would win most of my games. Closeups would reveal a pair of youthful, perfectlymanicured hands putting down bingo after fabulous bingo: outbitch, bagworm, quetzal, reradiate. Ofcourse, Marty would bingo as well: atonies, retinas, banters.Hey, it’s my movie. 47