SCRABBLE - The Last Word Newsletter

S C R A B B L E : T H O R E A U & T H O R E A USCRABBLE®: Thoreau & ThoreauBy Frank Lee MoodyExcerpts from “The Hazards of Becoming a Truly Good Scrabble® Player,” 1997, by ThoreauMaskin:A total of forty-five human brains were dissected in the study, conducted 1991-1995 atJohns-Hopkins University after the phenomenon had been accidentally discovered. All hadbeen used by adult human Scrabble® players. Twenty-two of the brains were those ofplayers rated higher than 1900 for a sustained period longer than two years. In each ofthose, researchers found nearly a third of the brain area gelatinized--destroyed. The uselessarea had once controlled creativity and the ability to think abstractly. Twenty-three of thebrains were those of under-1800 ratings. All twenty-three of the mediocre brains werehealthy, intact and fully functioning at time of death.Witnesses say the intermediate player proffered his hand after the game, as goodsportsmanship dictates, and that the losing premium player turned apoplectic and begansputtering as though she were a child making auto racing noises. She fell off her chair. Theconcerned young man bent over to aid. She jammed his large intestine with a tile rack. Theoutraged crowd mottled her entire body with a great diversity of shoe prints, including onewhich apparently had been designed for the purpose--it read: “Advice for top Scrabble®players: Good defense.”Excerpt from “Winning Formulas for Scrabble®,” 1997, by Thoreau Maskin:“Nobody taught me,” King E. Lee Tiist’s Lieutenant Damgud retorted. “I saw anadvertisement for the stuff in ‘Soldier of Fortune’ and figured out all by myself how it wouldhelp me pull victory from the jaws of unlucky mediocre players. Stuff my nose with cotton.When it’s plain those lousy little know-nothing turkeys start to pull out the win, I sprinklepowder, unbeknownst to them, on the table in front of them. It touches their skin. Burns likehot coals. They go off to the emergency room. I win by forfeit. Nobody taught me; I figuredit all out by my own self.”**Excerpts copyright ©1994, 1997 by Frank Lee. Reprinted here courtesy of Connie Breitbeil.Players interested in free copies of SCRABBLE®: Thoreau & Thoreau should contact Connieat Conniebreitbeil@yahoo.com 81