Lord, please help me to change - Judith Couchman

JUDITH COUCHMA N

For Karen and Jim,who lovingly help people to change

ALSO B Y JUDITH COUCHMA NGetting a Grip on GuiltIf I'm So Good, Why Don't I Act That Way?Lord, Have You Forgotten Me?Why Is Her Life Better Than Mine?

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS ixINTRODUCTION: IT' S NEVER TOO LAT E xiGetting past the fear of trying and failingPART 1 : STARTLING INT O THE TRUTH 1Stepping out of denial and into the agony1 Everyda y Lie s 42 Don' t Shoo t th e Messenge r 83 Whe n Yo u Prefer Not To 1 24 Nake d wit h Nowhere t o Ru n 1 65 Nobod y Sai d It'd B e Easy 2 0PART 2: A TRUE VIE W OF YOU 2 5Getting realistic about yourself6 Fals e Starts and Fumble s 2 87 Thi s One Thing I Do 3 28 Le t the Truth B e Known 3 69 Th e Gir l Yo u Left Behind 4 010 Grabbin g a t Grace 4 4PART 3 : WHEN THE INSID E SPILL S OUT 4 9Handling the pain and emotions of change11 A Stab in th e Sou l 5 212 Livin g in Loud Desperatio n 5 613 Hidin g from Joy 6 014 Welcom e t o M y Pity Party 6 415 Memorie s o f Pandora 6 8

LORD, PLEAS E HEL P M E T O CHANG EPART 4: STUMBLING TOWARD FREEDO M 7 3Surviiring the ups and downs of transition16 Don' t Just Sa y It 7 617 O n th e Habit o f Uglification 8 018 Somebod y Pleas e Help Me ! 8 419 Tw o Steps Forward, Fort y Steps Back 8 820 Th e Paralysi s of Analysis 9 2PART 5: SMARTER, NOT HARDE R 9 7Fighting small battles for big gains21 Choos e I t or Los e I t 10 022 Good-bye , Damse l i n Distress 10 423 Th e Woman You'l l Never B e 10 824 Wh o Needs Reasonable? 11 225 Attack s from Behind Hur t the Wors t 11 6PART 6 : THE NEW , IMPROVE D YO U 12 1Holding on to the progress you've made26 M Is for Maturity 12 427 Th e Cos t of Commitment 12 828 Believin g i n a Better Yo u 13 229 Nobod y Love s a Critic 13 630 Goin g for Broke 14 0NOTES 14 3ABOUT THE AUTHOR 14 6VtU

o creat e th e Heartfelt serie s an d t o writ e thi s boo k i trequired th e talent s of many people .At, I' m gratefu l t o th e creativ e tea m o fCarol Bartley , senio r editor , wh o sincerel y care s abou t writer s a speople, an d Da n Rich , vic e president , wh o keep s openin g door sfor m e professionally . Kudo s t o the m fo r takin g a chanc e o n a nunknown author . And t o m y friend Deena Davi s who quickl y an dexpertly copyedited th e manuscript .I'm als o grateful to Lauren Libb y and Ken t Wilson from TheNavigators/NavPress wh o opene d door s fo r m e t o escap e fro mwork and writ e thi s book. Without thei r sensitivity , I' d hav e neve rcompleted it .I ow e a dee p thank s t o m y praye r suppor t group , anothe rteam that' s crucial t o the publishing process : Charette Barta , Opa lCouchman, Madalen e Harris , Karen Hilt , Shirley Honeywell, Ma eLammers an d Nanc y Lemons . The y praye d m e throug h a shor tdeadline and m y first case of writer's block .I'm als o indebte d t o m y niec e Meliss a Honeywel l wh oresearched vagu e idea s int o realisti c anecdotes . Someday , she'l lwrite her ow n books , but i n the meantime, I' m delighte d wit h he rhelp.And thank s t o friend s near an d fa r who encourage d m e t owrite, despit e m y stresse d personality , unreturne d phon e calls ,and cancele d socia l engagements. A friend t o a writer i s a friend,indeed.ix

Getting past the fear of trying and failingFor years, I'v e bee n a n addic t withou t knowin g it . Wha thas looke d obviou s t o others ha s staye d invisibl e t o me .Partly because I haven't know n an y better. Pardy becaus eI've practiced denial . Partl y because I'v e feared tha t th e agon y o ffacing myself would grow too unbearable .I've bee n addicte d t o bolsterin g m y lo w self-esteem . Tha tmay not sound lik e much, bu t it' s snared m e i n a subtle bu t com -plex we b o f overdoing it . I n th e las t tw o decades a t one tim e o ranother—or al l a t once—I'v e overspent , overeaten , overcon -trolled, overachieved , an d overreacte d m y wa y through life . AndI've felt pain and remorse becaus e o f these actions .To cope , I chalked u p thes e "over " activitie s t o a creativ espirit, unti l severa l year s ag o whe n m y mothe r stunne d m e wit hreality. As lovingly as possible she said, "Judy , you're just dumpin gthings into a big, bottomless hol e insid e o f you." The translation :"You'll never be satisfied until you heal what's hurting internally. "Still, I didn't embar k o n a pilgrimag e towar d chang e righ taway. It' s take n time , trouble , an d disappointmen t t o admi t m yrunaway pain and problems and t o say, " I need t o change. "

LORD, PLEASE HELP ME TO CHANGEWith tha t statemen t I confessed i t t o myself . With thi s boo kI'm admittin g i t s o you ca n fin d kinship . I n between , I'v e some -times successfully and sometime s failingly worked a t changing .you've fel t th e pai n o f discoverin g a nee d fo r persona lK^y change , the n journey throug h thi s book with me . Whethe ryou want t o change somethin g "big " or "small, " it doesn't matter .These thirt y reading s addres s topic s common t o everyon e i n th echange process , whether it' s problems with food or anger or alco -hol or tim e management .The si x parts of this book wil l help you consider ho w to :• ste p out o f denial and int o the truth .• become more realisti c about yourself .• handle th e pai n an d emotions o f change .• surviv e the ups and down s of transition .• figh t personal battle s so you can persevere .• hol d o n t o the progress you make .Yet thes e reading s don' t delive r step-by-ste p direction s fo rchanging yourself. Nor can the y substitute fo r the inner work youmay nee d t o pursu e wit h a counselor . Instead , they'r e mean t t oencourage yo u alon g th e way ; t o introduc e yo u t o th e pertinen tissues; to help yo u delv e into God's Word a s you work a t change .They're offere d with th e advic e t o "Think about this " rather tha nthe declaration o f "Here's the answer! "As you rea d th e dail y selections , i t wil l als o help t o remem -ber thes e characteristics o f change :• Chang e usuall y emerge s fro m a process. Althoug h Go dperforms miracle s o f immediat e change , you'l l probabl y trans -form throug h long-ter m evolutio n rathe r tha n a singl e event .Even wit h th e miraculous, it' s paramount t o spiritually and physi -cally guard agains t losin g the instant ground yo u gain .• Chang e happen s i n small , day-to-da y increments . It' stempting t o look at the big picture—the majo r obstacles—and tr yto overcom e the m wit h a giganti c leap . Tha t approac h doesn' twork. Instead , effectiv e change happen s wit h dail y choice s tha tdon't appea r t o matter but add up ove r the months .• Chang e occur s throug h variou s creativ e an d unexpecte dmethods. There' s n o surefir e o r one-wa y mean s t o transforma -tion. Th e Bible , therapy , suppor t groups , healin g prayers ,personal discipline , one-to-on e accountability , an d God' s super -xii

INTRODUCTIONnatural powe r al l ca n contribute . Go d i s creative, s o sta y open t othe surprises and interna l awakening s He ma y bestow on you .Ultimately, th e change proces s works best when it' s tailore dto who you are rather tha n what others think you should do .• Chang e neve r translate s int o perfection . A s a sinne r i n afallen world , wit h God' s hel p yo u ca n manag e improvemen t bu tnot perfection. And sinc e He employs the weak and broken i n Hi sservice, ther e ma y b e "thorn s i n th e flesh " ( 2 Corinthian s 12:7 )that Go d choose s neve r t o heal . A t thi s point , yo u ca n decid e t ochange your attitude—and that' s a miracle i n itself. !• Chang e require s a lifetime commitment . Som e persona lproblems resolv e quickly; others take years to conquer. One thin gremains certain : There' s alway s something tha t need s t o change .Consequently, lif e balances between acceptin g your imperfection sand choosin g t o change. Bot h requir e a commitment t o persona ldiscovery an d growth . Bot h nee d God' s relentles s lov e and guid -ance.All told , deep an d lastin g chang e canno t occu r withou t th eHoly Spirit' s touch . S o before you begi n th e chang e process , as kHim t o dissolv e your fear o f tryin g and failing ; to strengthen an dshield yo u fro m givin g up ; t o deepl y affec t what's hurtin g insid eyou.Getting started isn' t a s difficult as you might think . I t begin swith a simple request : "Lord , please help m e t o change. "—-Judith CouchmanNote: I n som e readings , th e autho r altere d name s an d circum -stances or created composite s t o protect identities .xiii

Stepping out of denial and into the agonyenial allows us to avoid coming to terms with what isreally going on inside us and in front of our eyes. Itell my trainees and the people in my workshops to "see whatyou see and know what you know. " When we refuse, we participatein a dishonest system and help to perpetuate it. Manywomen fear the alternative, however. They think that if theysee what they see and know what they know, they will nolonger be able to relate to the [people] in their lives. We cannotbe alive in a system based upon denial. It leaves us no realavenue to deal with our reality. 1Anne Wilso n Schaef ,When Society Becomes an Addict/

LORD, PLEASE HELP ME TO CHANGEelieve me, when I studied t o become a teacher, nobod ytold m e about parent-teache r conferences . I f college pro -fessors would hav e explained ho w nerve-racking thes e encounter scan be , I might hav e changed m y major.Instead, I became a high-school teacher .Every quarter I chewed m y fingernails pas t recognitio nwhile waitin g for the Firs t parents t o arrive for an appointment .Would they be pleasant? Would they be realistic about their child? Wouldthey believe me if I told them bad news about their student? (W e teacher sworry about thes e conferences, too. )Despite m y fretting, most parent s prove d a delight. Eve nwhen I delivered a less than glowin g report about thei r teenager' sperformance, man y parent s amicabl y discusse d ho w we coul dwork togethe r t o help hi m improve .Only a few parents couldn't believ e thei r chil d performe dless than perfectl y i n school . And thes e parent s produce d m yhacked-down fingernails.I still remember a n encounter wit h Mrs . Smith .That quarter , he r daughte r earne d a string o f "D " and "F "grades on test s and homewor k fo r m y journalism class . Becca sa tglumly throug h eac h session , contributing nothing . Sh e mum -bled or didn't spea k when I talked t o her .So I thought Becc a wa s lucky t o find a "D " ( a barely passin ggrade) o n he r repor t card .Mrs. Smith didn't thin k so .The momen t sh e sa t down, Becca' s mom attacke d m e an dmy "terrible teaching. ""Becca couldn't possibl y deserve a grade lik e this, " she said ,and continued he r complaint .As a young an d inexperience d teacher , I felt tempted t obelieve her . Bu t then I noticed Becca' s report car d sittin g on th etable betwee n us . She ha d receive d "D " and "F " grades i n al l o fher classes .Mrs. Smith couldn't fac e the truth .hy is it so hard t o face the truth ?Probably because th e truth, lik e a mirror, reflects realityand what's less-than-beautiful about ourselves .It's lik e Saturday mornin g whe n I clean house . Sinc e I liv ealone, I don't worr y about wha t I look like . With n o make-u p an d2

STARTLING INT O TH E TRUT Hhair stuc k ou t t o there, I dust an d scru b i n m y nightshirt. (Wh owants t o tak e a shower firs t thing i n th e morning , onl y t o nee danother dousin g when you're throug h cleanin g at noon? )My system work s fine until somebod y startle s m e wit h th edoorbell. Suddenly, I realize I' m a smelly fright.Do I answer the ring ?Never.I bolt t o a room where , fro m th e front door's perspective ,nobody ca n find me .That's ofte n wha t happen s whe n we'r e confronte d b y aneed t o change. Unabl e t o handle what' s unsightl y abou t our -selves, we run fo r cover, hoping no one sa w us.Unfortunately, it' s usuall y to o late . Often b y the tim e w e"see what w e see and kno w what w e know" 2 about ourselves , peo -ple around u s already recogniz e ou r nee d fo r change. (Wh y ar ewe always the las t to know? )Even i f we do manage t o hide, sooner o r late r our problem sooze out . And eve n wit h th e bes t o f cover-ups , there' s alway ssomebody who knows everything .It's God .And pleasin g Hi m i s reason enoug h t o change .Have yo u bee n startle d int o th e trut h abou t yourself ? I n Par tOne, conside r th e debilitating effect s of denial an d ho w t o begi nthe journey towar d change .1. Wha t would you lik e to change about yourself ?2. Ho w did i t feel to discover thi s need fo r change ?3. Wha t wa s your first respons e t o thi s need fo r change? Wh y di dyou respond thi s way?3

We begin to change by forsaking denialand telling the truth about ourselves.Aimee remembers whe n th e lie s began . Bu t i t took des -perate circumstance s t o recogniz e th e half-truth s sh etold about he r out-of-control spending ."My parents didn't teac h m e abou t money . Bu t tha t didn' tmotivate me , a s an adult , t o read o r tak e lesson s on ho w t o man -age it, " she says . " I just though t tha t somehow , magically , I' d d ookay with it. "For a while, i t did fee l magical . Whe n Aime e graduate dfrom college, finance companie s and departmen t store s sent he rinstant-credit applications . Othe r businesse s didn't eve n as k he rto apply: They just mailed plasti c cards to her ."It felt like heaven," she remembers. "Withou t cash , I couldbuy the thing s I needed fo r m y apartment. A t first I felt cautious ,but the n I told mysel f i t was all right t o spend u p t o every card' slimit. I assured mysel f tha t i f the y sen t m e th e cards , I coul dafford them. "But Aimee ha d lie d t o herself . When th e bill s arrived, atwenty-year cycl e of overspending and lyin g and strugglin g began .4

STARTLING INT O TH e TRUT H"At first I didn't suffe r much. I could pa y th e credit-car dbills—or a t leas t th e monthl y minimums—an d the n scrim p o nother things . Bu t then I started missin g payment s and makin g u pfor them th e next month," she explains ."When I paid bills , I vowed t o change. Bu t when I got i n th estores, I' d tel l mysel f i t was okay to buy more things . Or tha t thi sone mor e thin g wouldn't matter ; I could contro l mysel f afte rthat."She pause s and the n admits , "Thos e were lie s to make m efeel better. An d I told the m t o mysel f for years. "Aimee survive d th e cycl e fo r a while. Bu t gradually an dpainfully, those generous companie s wrot e collectio n letter s an drevoked he r credi t cards because o f late payments . Ye t not eve nthat prompted he r t o change ."Who knows what I was thinking then? " she asks . " I probabl ydidn't chang e becaus e m y secret fel t safe—-just between m e an dthe faceles s credit-card people . An d I told myself , for the ump -teenth time , that I'd reform. "Instead, Aimee overspen t he r checkbook . Eventually , sh ebounced s o many checks that th e ban k close d he r account . Mor ethan once , th e telephon e an d utilit y companies disconnecte dtheir services for nonpayment. Periodically , she paid the rent late ,and afte r paying bills, she live d on a few dollars for two weeks."I remember eatin g cracker s for dinner an d no t thinkin gmuch o f it . Instead o f jolting m e int o reality , th e self-lie s numbe dme t o it, " Aimee says . " I limped alon g fo r a long tim e befor e Iwanted t o change. "Aimee can' t pinpoin t whe n realit y bega n t o see p in . Bu teventually, she got so sick of her lifestyl e she had t o change ."I saw other peopl e wit h peac e o f mind, good credi t ratings ,and th e abilit y t o hav e home s an d saving s accounts," sh e says ."Maybe that' s when I faced th e lyin g t o myself—and th e rui n i thad brough t m e to . I had squandere d mysel f o n lot s o f smal lthings and misse d th e bi g thing s I'd reall y wanted. That's when Iadmitted m y sin t o God and tol d Hi m I was ready to change. "She adds : "I' m i n th e proces s o f changing now , and ever yday I fight th e ol d lie s I'v e tol d myself , and I replace the m wit hthe truth . Fo r example, when I say, 'Buying thi s one thin g won' tmatter,' I remind mysel f that i t does matter i f I can't reall y affordit."5

LORD, PLEASE HELP ME TO CHANGEike many of us, Aimee fell into a pit before recognizing he rneed t o change. Landin g wit h nothing t o soften the blow ,she face d th e enormit y o f her self-lies . On th e surface , they ha dlooked harmless , inconsequential . Bu t peering a t them face-to -face below, she couldn't deny their repugnance ."Denial run s deep. W e tel l ourselves lies, " wrote Melod yBeattie, who practiced denia l fo r years. "Whe n som e awareness ,some reality , threatens t o hurt us , we trick ourselve s into believ -ing 'i t ain't so.' . . . People den y just about anythin g tha t ca n b edenied—but wha t w e usuall y den y i s what w e hav e lost , are losing ,or suspect we're losing—something importan t t o us." 5Aimee denie d th e trut h fo r fear she'd los e th e persona limage sh e longe d t o project. Sh e wante d t o be a woman wh o"had i t all," including th e admiratio n o f others and respec t fo rherself. Ironically , thos e self-lie s garnered th e opposit e o f he rdreams.As the father of lies, that's exactly what Satan wants: to mak ethe trut h soun d a s lies—and lie s to ring a s the truth . He'l l mir eus in hi s pit a s long a s we allow it , but there' s reall y no nee d t owallow there. W e can reac h up , grasp th e Shepherd's hand , an dtogether begi n th e journey towar d change .He only requires that we tell the truth .1. Wha t lie s do you tel l yourself? Why?2. I f you face the truth, what are you afraid of losing ?John write s about th e nature o f truth :Here is the message we have heard from Christ and now announce to you:God is light, and in him there is no darkness at all. So if we say we havefellowship with God, but we continue living in darkness, we are liars anddo not follow the truth. But if we live in the light, as God is in the light,6

STARTLING INT O THe TRUT Hwe can share felloiuship with each other. Then the blood of Jesus, God'sSon, cleanses us from every sin.If we say we have no sin, we are fooling ourselves, and the truth isnot in us. But if we confess our sins, he will forgive our sins, because wecan trust God to do what is right. He will cleanse us from all the urrongswe have done. If we say we have not sinned, we make God a liar, and wedo not accept God's teaching.My dear children, I write this letter to you so you will not sin. But ifanyone does sin, we have a helper in the presence of the Father—-JesusChrist, the One who does what is right. He is the way our sins are takenaway, and not only our sins but the sins of all people.We can be sure that we know God if we obey his commands. Anyonewho says, "I know God," but does not obey God's commands is a liar, andthe truth is not in that person. But if someone obeys God's teaching, thenin that person God's love has truly reached its goal. This is how we can besure we are living in God: Whoever says that he lives in God must live asJesus lived.—1 John 1:5—2:61. Ho w can yo u infuse God's truth int o your life?2. Ho w can thi s truth hel p you t o change ?7

Sometimes God uses other peopleto confirm our need to change.ou know , your competitive attitud e ha s caused problem swith you r friends, " she venture d whil e sittin g a t m y din -ing room table , watching me iron clothe s in th e kitchen ."What?" I shot back . "Wh o tol d yo u that ? Yo u don't eve nlive in thi s town ! You're neve r around m e lon g enough t o kno wwhat I'm like. " I wanted t o throw the iron a t her .Hurt an d furious , I closed dow n th e conversatio n a s quickl yas possible. She planned t o stay the weekend an d I didn't wan t t ospend i t fighting. S o I composed mysel f and playe d th e graciou shostess, even thoug h I felt horrible .Back then , confrontatio n didn't see m lik e th e "nice " thin gto do, especiall y t o a friend. So when thi s woman confronte d me ,I interpreted i t as disloyalty and rejection . However , i n th e nex tyear he r commen t prompte d m e t o evaluate m y attitudes an duncover a need fo r change. Th e discover y fel t painful, but it' sbeginning t o reap preciou s reward s in relationships and persona lsatisfaction.Slowly, I'm learnin g tha t i f you don't shoo t th e messenger ,she might prov e valuable .8

STARTLING INT O TH E TRUT Homewhere i n folklor e or history , a messenger delivere dbad new s and go t slaughtere d fo r it . Bu t who kille d th emessenger and exactl y why? Nobody seems to know .Somebody suggeste d th e biblica l stor y o f Davi d killin g th eman wh o announced Saul' s death, bu t th e rea l reaso n centere don th e messenger' s boastin g o f personally killin g Sau l ( 2 Samue l1:1-15). Other s hav e nominate d th e Greeks , th e Persians ,Pharaoh, and Nebuchadnezza r a s messenger killers . I n an y event ,the saying , "Don' t shoo t th e messenger, " applies when w e receiv eunfortunate new s and rai l at somebody who's only a courier ."I well believe it , to unwilling ears; None lov e the messenge rwho brings bad news, " wrote Sophocles i n hi s play Antigone . 4 Mid -dle management wil l confirm how difficult the role of a go-betweencan be . Or polic e officer s who delive r death announcement s t ounsuspecting families. And God hel p the IR S clerk.Nobody wants to bear bad tidings . Bu t to use another cliche ,somebody's go t t o do it . I n fact , God ha s employed middl e me nand wome n fo r centuries. Noah' s ar k warned o f a coming flood .Moses blasted th e Israelite s for their golde n calf . Esther save d anation b y approaching th e king . Jeremiah begge d God' s peopl eto repent. Jesus walked th e earth fo r three years, preaching abou teternal judgment.In thes e and other biblica l incidents , a messenger riske d lif eitself t o delive r dir e news—an d th e receivers ' respons e deter -mined thei r fate and relationshi p wit h God .Hopefully, people wh o delive r message s t o u s don't ris k a smuch a s those i n th e Ol d an d Ne w Testaments. Bu t th e ris k i nour respons e loom s just a s great. W e can receiv e th e trut h abou tourselves wit h gratefulness—o r suffe r the consequence s o f si nand woundedness .When w e greet thes e messenger s a s allies, we also welcom ethe Frien d wh o "stick s closer tha n a brother" (Proverb s 18:24) ,the one who holds the powe r t o truly change us .1 Ha s someone pinpointe d you r need t o change ?.9

LORD, PLEASE HELP ME TO CHANGE2. I s there trut h i n thi s person's words ?Words t o the wis e about messengers :The right word spoken at the right timeis as beautiful as gold apples in a silver bowl.A wise warning to someone who will listenis as valuable as gold earrings or fine gold jewelry.Trustworthy messengers refresh those who send them,like the coolness of snow in the summertime.People who brag about gifts they never giveare like clouds and wind that give no rain.With patience you can convince a ruler,and a gentle word can get through to the hardheaded.Don't brag about tomorrow;you don't know what may happen then.Don't praise yourself. Let someone else do it.Let the praise come from a stranger and not fromyour own mouth.Stone is heavy, and sand is weighty,but a complaining fool is worse than either.Anger is cruel and destroys like a flood,but no one can put up with jealousy!It is better to correct someone openlythan to have love and not show it.The slap of a friend can be trusted to help you,but the kisses of an enemy are nothing but lies.When you are full, not even honey tastes good,but when you are hungry, even something bittertastes sweet.10

STARTLING INTO THE TRUTHA person who leaves his homeis like a bird that leaves its nest.The sweet smell of perfume and oils is pleasant,and so is good advice from a friend.Don't forget your friend or your parent's friend.Don't always go to your family for help when troublecomes.A neighbor close by is better than a family far away.Be wise, my child, and make me happy.Then I can respond to any insult.The wise see danger ahead and avoid it,but fools keep going and get into trouble.Take the coat of someone who promises to pay astranger's loan,and keep it until he pays what the stranger owes.If you loudly greet your neighbor early in the morn ing,he will think of it as a curse.A quarreling wife is as bothersomeas a continual dripping on a rainy day.Stopping her is like stopping the urindor trying to grab oil in your hand.As iron sharpens iron,so people can improve each other.—Proverbs 25:11-15; 27:1-171. Ho w can yo u know whom t o trust as a messenger o f change ?2. Ho w can yo u welcome a messenger o f change a s a friend?11

Refusing to change often damagesourselves and those around us.am a man who , from hi s youth upwards , ha s been fille dwith a profound convictio n tha t th e easies t wa y of lif e isthe best, " bega n th e narrato r i n Herma n Melville' s short story ,"Bartleby th e Scrivener. " The narrato r describe d himsel f a s a n"unambitious lawyer " and a n "eminentl y sa/eman " who neve rargued a court case and catere d t o the will s and other lega l need sof the wealthy. 'At the tur n o f th e century , thi s lawye r employed scriveners ,men wh o copied lega l documents b y hand. A common practic einvolved one ma n readin g from the origina l document whil e oth -ers checked thei r copied version s for accuracy.That wa s the fu n part . Mos t o f th e time , scrivener s kep ttheir head s ben t ove r detailed manuscripts , copying . Thus, th elawyer and hi s tw o copyists carried o n busines s i n a monotonou sand predictabl e manner .They weren't prepare d fo r Bartleby .Business grew , and th e lawye r hired Bartleb y t o assis t wit hcopying. A t first, Bartleb y spen t lon g hour s writing , da y an dnight, i n a sullen, mechanica l manner . Th e lawye r didn't mind ,12

STARTLING INT O TH E TRUT Hthough, becaus e volumes o f work go t done. Bu t then th e lawye rasked Bartleb y to examine a small paper wit h him ."I would prefer not to," replied Bartleby .Stunned, th e lawye r continue d hi s bus y day . Busines sdemanded hi s attention; ther e wasn' t tim e t o consider Bartleby' sdisobedience.A week later , th e lawye r summoned hi s copyists t o double -check four documents from a week o f court testimonies . Bartleb yappeared fro m behind hi s office screen an d announced , " I wouldprefer no t to. " And n o amoun t o f persuasio n fro m th e bos schanged hi s preference.Time an d again , when th e lawye r requested Bartleby' s assis -tance, th e copyis t responde d wit h " I would prefe r no t to. "Gradually, Bardeb y preferred not to work, not t o talk , not t o mov efrom his desk, not t o leave the office. In fact, by accident the lawye rdiscovered tha t Bartleb y had turne d th e offic e into hi s living quar -ters at night and on weekends ."Nothing s o aggravates an earnes t perso n a s a passive resis -tance," the lawye r admitted. Still , he good-heartedl y trie d t o hel pthe maladjuste d employe e b y reasoning wit h him , expressin gcompassion, and offerin g assistance.Bartleby preferred no t t o respond t o hi s employer's help .He als o preferred no t t o leav e when th e lawyer , with n o option sleft, fired him .In desperation, th e lawye r finally moved hi s practice out o fthe building , leavin g Bartleb y t o si t alone i n a n empt y room .Later, h e discovere d tha t Bartleb y ha d bee n boote d t o the build -ing's hallway , where h e preferre d no t t o budge, no t t o eat, not t oaccept assistance .However, th e polic e preferred t o move Bartleb y into prison ,where he died from inertia and starvation .13elville's stor y speaks to th e powe r o f resistanc e an d th eperplexing nature o f humanity. We resist what's best forus and plung e deeper int o trouble ."I'm to o old t o change. ""I'll start m y diet tomorrow. ""Nobody can tel l me what t o do!""I don't nee d hel p from anyone. ""I don't drink a s much a s she does. "

LORD, PLEASE HELP ME TO CHANGEThese words emerge from resisters . These peopl e hav e part -ed wit h denial , bu t they'r e no t goin g anywhere , either . The yrealize there' s a problem, bu t they'r e no t tacklin g it . And they'r ecertainly not planning t o change .Resisters believe tha t i f they maintain th e statu s quo they'l lbe saf e and acceptable , a t leas t t o themselves . Granted , the y ma ynot lik e the proble m the y clutch, bu t i n thei r mind s it' s easier t o"put a cap o n it " than t o dismantle an d chang e it . Their mott ocould be , "N o gain, no pain. "Except that' s not what reall y happens .Personal problem s don't just maintain . The y usuall y gro wworse i f we ignore them . The y don' t sta y just ou r problem seither. They affect and hur t others . Consequently , resister s dis -cover tha t day s or months o r years late r they'r e behavin g wors ethan eve r before—and people hav e grown les s tolerant o f them .Resisters feel afraid. They fear leaving behind what' s famil -iar, losin g a habit's pleasure , o r failin g t o change. S o befor eembarking o n change , resister s need tim e t o face their fears .All o f u s pla y th e resiste r a t some tim e o r other. Bu t Go dcan strengthe n u s to resis t our fear s instead o f avoiding th e nee dfor change. "Remembe r tha t I commanded yo u t o be stron g an dbrave," He said . "Don't b e afraid, because th e LOR D your God wil lbe with you everywhere you go" (Joshu a 1:9) .141. Ar e you resistan t t o change? I f so, why?2. Whe n tryin g to change, what scares you th e most ?King David exalts the Lord's strength an d protection :The ways of God are without fault;the LORD'S words are pure.He is a shield to those who trust him.

STARTLING INT O TH E TRUT HWho is God? Only the LORD.Who is the Rock ? Only our God.God is my protection.He makes my way free from fault.He makes me like a deer that does not stumble;he helps me stand on the steep mountains.He trains my hands for battleso my arms can bend a bronze bow.You protect me with your saving shield.You have stooped to make me great.You give me a better way to live,so I live as you want me to.I chased my enemies and destroyed them.1 did not quit till they were destroyed.I destroyed and crushed themso they couldn't rise up again.They fell beneath my feet.You gave me strength in battle.You made my enemies bow before me.The LORD lives!May my Rock be praised!Praise God, the Rock, who saves me!God gives me victory over my enemiesand brings people under my rule.He frees me from my enemies.So I will praise you, LORD, among the nations.I will sing praises to your name.—2 Samuel 22:31-40, 47-49a, 50God did not give us a spirit that makes us afraid but a spirit of power andlove and self-control.—2 Timothy 1:71. What enemies approach a s you mov e toward change ?2. Ho w can Go d strengthen yo u for battle against thes e foes?15

When we uncover our need to change,we can feel emotionally undone.16Talk to women who'v e staye d overnigh t i n a hospital, an dthey'll describe th e humiliations thereof .First, there' s th e hospita l gown , makin g u s aware o f ou rbacksides a s never before . Personally , I think thos e gown s ar epart o f a medical conspirac y t o keep patient s i n bed. Who want sto roam th e halls—o r eve n cros s th e room—i n on e o f thos ethings?But just whe n we'v e grow n accustome d t o th e breeze , th esituation get s worse. We regress to wearing a sheet.At this stage—whether fo r test s or childbirt h o r surgery —there's al l manner o f personal exposur e whil e doctors prod us .And n o matte r ho w hard w e try to stave them off , they'll eventual -ly pull back the cove r and sa y hello.I learned thi s by experience .In a whirlwind, I checked int o th e hospita l onl y hours afte ra dermatologist discovere d malignan t melanom a growin g o n m yupper righ t arm . The surgeo n schedule d m e fo r hi s knife th enext morning . I n th e meantime, a parade o f doctors and intern svisited me t o examine th e mol e that had grow n cancerous .

STARTLING INT O TH E TRUT H"Wish I' d bee n thi s popular i n hig h school, " I quipped, try -ing t o stay calm and feelin g relieved when the y left.Later tha t evening , m y surgeon's inter n assistan t strolle dinto th e room . "I' m her e t o se e th e mol e o n you r shoulder, " h eannounced. I didn't lik e hi s bedside manner, bu t I pulled ou t m yarm fo r display. He scrutinized it ."I understand yo u als o hav e a mole t o be remove d fro munder you r breast," he said .I did. But there's no way I'll show it to you, I thought. M y surgeon,a fatherly type , hovere d aroun d ag e sixty . The inter nlooked about m y age and far from paternal ."Yes, I do hav e a mole there," I replied an d crosse d m y armsover m y chest.He got th e messag e and left .I congratulated mysel f for keeping m y private part s private .Until th e nex t morning . Rolle d int o surgery , i t suddenly hi t me :to remove th e secon d mole , a team o f doctors woul d stri p m e t othe waist .I've spent my life covering up, and in a few moments ts these guys willexpose me in one swoop, I thought, a s the anesthesia kicke d in . Yearsof modesty destroyed.As I drifted towar d sleep , th e las t face I remembered wa sthat o f th e surgeon' s assistant , read y t o pull bac k th e shee t an dlook. Soon I' d b e naked wit h nowhere t o run .Naked with nowher e t o run. That's ho w i t feels when w efirst become awar e of our need t o change. Suddenly, th eproblem we'v e denie d uncover s itself . We fee l exposed an dashamed. We want t o escape .Consequently, w e might als o fee l touchy , weepy , angry ,depressed, embarrassed, or otherwise emotionally ou t o f control .Self-discovery can hi t with sudde n impact . W e can ree l from th eblow.For example, whe n a friend o f min e discovere d tha t sh eneeded t o change hersel f t o alter a debilitating relationship , sh ewept a t unpredictable moments . Anothe r frien d facin g hi s ba dhabits wrestled wit h bouts of anger. After a house guest confrontedme about m y competitive spirit , I felt engulfed b y shame.At thi s point, whe n we'r e emotionall y ra w and unabl e t ohelp ourselves, it's all right—even necessary—t o find shelter .17

LORD, PLEAS E HEL P M E T O CHANG EFinding shelte r isn' t escaping or ignoring th e problem . It' ssuffering through ou r ignite d emotion s i n a place where it' s safeto express them—wit h peopl e who wil l comfort, understand, an dwhen we're steadier, encourage u s to begin changing .Finding shelte r als o requires a measure o f discipline. Whe nemotions spill , we're tempte d t o tal k t o anyone who'l l listen —friends, coworkers, famil y members, acquaintance s a t church ,even strangers . I n return, we're deluged wit h advic e and opinion sthat eventuall y confuse more tha n nurtur e us . I t take s disciplin eto choose a few people whom w e can trus t and stic k with them —people who'l l lov e and respec t us , no matte r wha t the y kno wabout us .Above all , finding shelter mean s turnin g t o th e Go d wh olongs t o hide u s under th e shado w o f Hi s wings (Psal m 17:8) .When peopl e fai l us, when w e fail ourselves, He' s eve r loving ,ever accepting , eve r listening , eve r read y t o help u s heal an dchange.1. Describ e th e typ e o f perso n you' d lik e t o fin d shelte r wit hwhen you're emotionall y vulnerable .2. Wh o fit s this description? Coul d yo u as k thi s person t o hel pyou?Prayer and prais e for God's help :God, save me,because the water has risen to my neck.I'm sinking down into the mud,and there is nothing to stand on.I am in deep water,and the flood covers me.I am tired from calling for help;

STARTLING INT O TH E TRUT Hmy throat is sore.God, you know what I have done wrong;I cannot hide my guilt from you.Lord GOD, All-Powerful,do not let those who hope in you be ashamed becauseof me.God of Israel, do not let your worshipers be disgracedbecause of me.For you, I carry this shame,and my face is covered with disgrace.But I pray to you, LORD, for favor.God, because of your great love, answer me.You are truly able to save.LORD, answer me because your love is so good.Because of your great kindness, turn to me.I am sad and hurting.God, save me and protect me.I will praise God in a songand will honor him by giving thanks.That will please the LORD more than offering himcattle,more than sacrificing a bull with horns and hoofs.Poor people will see this and be glad.Be encouraged, you who worship God.The LORD listens to those in needand does not look down on captives.—Psalm 69:1-3a, 5-7, 13, 16, 29-33YOUR RESPONS E1. Durin g emotionally difficul t times, do you cr y to God for help ?Why, or why not?2. Ho w can yo u learn t o praise God during thes e times ?

Change is hard work, but the Lordoffers us His power for the task.ost people who'v e tackle d persona l chang e cal l i t four-letter words . It' s H-A-R-D . It' s W-O-R-K .Yes, change require s hard work— a commitment no t t o giv eup whe n it' s difficult. Bu t don't tak e m y word fo r it . Rea d wha tother peopl e hav e said about our part i n th e change process :You are responsibl e fo r your actions . Yo u wil l neve rreceive healin g . . . unti l yo u stop blaming everyone elseand accept your responsibility. . . . D o you reall y want t obe healed, or do you just want t o talk about your prob -lem? 6—David Seamand sOne o f th e greatest way s God change s m e i s by bring -ing Scripture t o mind I have hidden dee p i n m y heart .. . . Wha t a reason fo r staying in His Word daily—reading,studying, devouring it. And the n wha t a challenge t ostay so sensitive to the Holy Spirit's speaking tha t H e ca n20

STARTLING INT O TH E TRUT Hreach dow n an d recal l just exactl y what I need a t th every minute I need it ! '—Evelyn Christenso nThe steadfas t spiri t tha t enable s u s t o wal k th e fla tcountry o f th e heart , whethe r th e skie s are gra y o rclear, doesn't appea r overnight . When Go d rebuild s agutted life , He build s i t a brick a t a time. Resilien tendurance i s the badg e o f people unde r construction .. . . the perso n wit h a steadfast spirit i s actively willing toremain under pressure of any kind, a s long a s God wills , inorder t o grow stronger .Blessed i s the perso n wh o wants growth s o badly ,that [she ] refuse s to shrink from the proces s tha t pro -duces it. 8—David Swart zJesus is telling us to feel everything. To be spirituall y aliv eis not t o be dea d t o hurt an d pain , bu t t o b e free t oexperience them , trustin g Go d t o bring u s throug hthem safely .We need th e dark nights , sleepless and agonizin g a sthey are. W e need th e hurt s tha t kee p u s tender an dthe unexplaine d sorrow s tha t stretc h ou r fait h an dtrust. Livin g through the m wil l make u s different peo -ple—and th e difference can b e good. 9—Colleen Townsen d Evan sOur ver y mistakes and ou r sins , if we repent of them, willbe use d o f God t o help u s i n th e growt h an d upbuild -ing o f our character . I n th e ho t fires o f penitence w eleave th e dros s and com e agai n a s pure gold . Bu t w emust remembe r tha t i t i s only Chris t wh o ca n mak eour sin s yield blessing. 1 0—J. R . Miller:s, change require s work. Bu t God promise s Hi s presenc eind powe r t o hel p u s persevere. Rea d wha t He' s sai dabout Hi s role i n th e process :2/

LORD, PLEASE HELP ME TO CHANGEGod ha s said, " I will never leav e you; I will never forgetyou." S o w e can b e sur e when w e say , " I will not b eafraid, because th e Lord i s my helper. Peopl e can't d oanything t o me. "—Hebrews 13:5b- 6My grace i s enough fo r you. When yo u ar e weak , m ypower i s made perfect i n you .—2 Corinthians 12: 9God ca n d o al l things. 1 tell you th e truth, i f your faithis as big a s a mustard seed , you ca n sa y to thi s moun -tain, "Mov e from here t o there, " and i t will move . Al lthings will be possible for you.—Matthew 19:26b ; 17:20b- cI will giv e her peac e tha t wil l flo w to her lik e a river. Iwill comfort you a s a mother comforts her child .—Isaiah 66 : 12a , 13 aGod i s greater tha n an y difficult y or an y amount o f har dwork we'll pas s through a s we begin t o change .1. Ho w do you fee l about th e work that change requires ?2. Fo r you, what i s the mos t difficult part o f the change process ?Praise t o the God who helps His children :I asked the LORDfor help, and he answered me.He saved me from all that I feared.Those who go to him for help are happy,and they are never disgraced.22'

STARTLING INT O THE TRUT HThis poor man called, and the LORD heard himand saved him from all his troubles.The angel of the LORD camps around those who fearGod,and he saves them.Examine and see how good the LORD is.Happy is the person who trusts him.You who belong to the LORD, fear him!Those who fear him will have everything they need.Even lions may get weak and hungry,but those who look to the LORD wil l have every goodthing.The LORD sees the good peopleand listens to their prayers.But the LORD is against those who do evil;he makes the world forget them.The LORD hears good people when they cry out to him,and he saves them from all their troubles.The LORD is close to the brokenhearted,and he saves those whose spirits have been crushed.People who do what is right may have many problems,but the LORD will solve them all.—Psalm 34:4-10, 15-19YOUR RESPONS E1. Ho w can you draw on God's power t o change ?2. Fro m today' s reading , whic h Scriptur e encourage s yo u th emost? Memorize i t for help during th e day s ahead.23

A TRU E VIE WOF YouGetting realistic about yourselfFocusing on ourselves takes a number of forms. Wecan become self-protective, refusing to take risks. Wecan develop an elaborate system of self-righteousness, denyingthat we make mistakes in the first place and blaming othersfor our difficulties. We can become self-consumed, eaten upwith guilt for every real and supposed error. But each of theseself-centered approaches has the same results: we do not dealhonestly with failure, and we carry the weight of our pastactions.When we focus on God, the scene changes. He's incontrol of our lives; nothing lies outside the realm of Hisredemptive grace. Even when we make mistakes, fail in relationships,or deliberately make bad choices, God can redeemus. "Penelope J. Stokes ,So What If You've Failed ?

LORDI stil l cringe when I picture it .Back when mall s were ne w and a curiosity, i t stood i n frontof the shopping center's shoe stor e where Mo m bought he r girl sthose sensible Hush Pupp y shoes .To wal k dow n th e mall , I couldn't ge t around it . And t oshop for shoes, well, that reall y bothered me .I'm sur e th e shoe stor e owner place d i t there t o attract cus -tomers. Bu t i t revolted me .It was a mirror .But not just an y mirror .This mirror distorte d people' s bodies , makin g the m appea rgrotesquely fat . I n m y opinion, mirror s lik e tha t needed t o sta ywhere the y belonged, i n front of circus tents . Instead , i t irrever -ently created havo c i n front of an otherwise sedate store .Many time s I had watche d othe r kid s stand i n front of tha tmirror, laughin g an d makin g fu n o f thei r blown-u p bellie s an dbehinds.1 couldn't.I had struggle d wit h a weight problem sinc e childhood. Sowhy should I make myself look heavier ? I thought. That mirro r repre -sented m y worst nightmar e abou t persona l appearance . I tsurfaced m y fear of someday actuall y growing that fat.It wa s silly , I know. Eve n bac k the n I thought m y feelingswere ridiculous . Bu t i t didn't chang e m y hatre d o f tha t mirror —and m y unhappiness wit h m y body.Ironically, when I look at photos o f myself from those years ,I would lov e t o be tha t sli m again . When i t concerns bod y image ,I've seldom viewe d mysel f accurately .Not long ago , I laughed ove r a cartoon o f a man an dwoman, eac h lookin g int o a mirror. He' s fat and sloven -ly but imagine s a taut, muscula r ma n smilin g bac k a t him . She' sslim and attractiv e bu t see s a chunky, homel y woman instea d o fher tru e reflection .I'll demur from commentary about men , but I must admit it' stough fo r women t o assess themselves realistically. And for many o fus, it's no laughing matter. The pressur e cooker o f trying to "have itall" spewed u s out, but we're no t ye t sure where we've landed. I nour minds , we're stil l faintly chanting, "I'v e got to be perfect."But none o f us are.26

A TRU E VIE W O F Yo uConsequently, when w e decide t o change, w e may first nee dto adjust our visio n and ge t realistic . It' s possible t o emerge fro mdenial an d stil l se t goals built o n fantasy . However, wit h God' shelp, w e can vie w ourselves throug h Hi s lovin g and truth-fille deyes.God know s we're dus t an d H e stil l love s us. H e know s tha twe're filth y from sin , but H e stil l welcomes u s into Hi s arms. H eknows tha t we'l l neve r b e perfec t on earth , bu t H e stil l forgive sand change s us .I smile whe n I picture it . I relax whe n I understand it . Ichange when I grasp it .You can, too .In Par t Two , lear n ho w realis m play s a role i n th e chang eprocess—and ho w i t can affec t you.1. Generally , are you realisti c about yourself? Why, or why not?2. Writ e ou t your goal(s ) t o change. Ho w realisti c ar e they ? Ho wrealistic i s the tim e frame in which yo u expect t o change ?3. Ho w can you sta y realistic a s you work towar d change ?27

FALSE START SAND FUMBLE SIn our first attempts to change,it's normal to falter and fail.r M / atharin e Angel l wa s the righ t woma n i n th e righ t plac eat the righ t time . On th e recommendation o f a friend—and despit e he r yout h an d inexperience—th e recentl y launche dNew Yorker magazine hire d he r a s an editor .Katharine's insigh t and attentio n t o detail authenticated th erecommendation.Not lon g after, she marrie d New Yorker author E . B . White.In thei r late r years and he r retirement , th e White s hired a secre -tary t o hel p wit h th e volume s o f wor k an d correspondenc eresulting from forty years of marriage and publishing .By this time, Katharin e ha d succumbe d t o poor healt h an da dramatic chang e i n personality . Sh e gre w difficul t and he r per -fectionistic tendencies balloone d int o obsessions . Voluminou sand detaile d correspondence— a stron g sui t i n Katharine' s day sas an editor—gre w t o irritate eve n he r devoted husband .Katharine needed t o change .Valiantly, sh e attempted changin g durin g he r favorit e tim eof year for letter writing: the Christmas season .28

A TRU E VIE W O F YO UA big mistake .E. B . and Katharin e worked throug h thei r Christmas lis t an dcut nearl y sevent y names . Thei r secretary , Isabel , too k thes enames, eac h writte n o n a n inde x card , an d tie d the m togethe rwith a rubber band . Isabe l kep t th e cast-of f lis t within reach ,though, becaus e she suspected a turn o f events.Isabel was right.A few days later, Katharin e aske d fo r th e banishe d cards .She rea d th e lis t t o E . B . again an d explaine d wh y each nam edeserved reinstatement .According t o Isabel , "E . B . bowed t o th e inevitabl e an dretreated, glowering, t o his study." 1 2Another year , Katharin e agai n decide d t o hac k bac k th esacred Christma s list . Her reason : Sh e and E . B . couldn't affor dthe expense . Then sh e maile d letter s t o th e rejecte d name s o nthe list , explaining tha t sh e wouldn't b e sending Christma s greet -ings to them .ven wit h th e bes t o f intentions , w e often fai l i n our firs tefforts to change. Ol d habit s don't di e without a fight. The ygrab any opportunity t o seize us again.We're especiall y vulnerable a t these times :• When we're starting out. With an y new skill, hardly anyon egets it right th e first time . I t takes practice, practice, practice . An dafter a blunder, gathering up ourselve s and startin g over again .We need realit y checks t o remind ourselve s tha t multipl efailures precede a much-wanted success . Champion s lear n t orecover thei r fumbles.• When w e choose th e wrong time . Obviously , Katharin epicked a poor tim e o f year t o change. Sh e love d Christmas , s o i twas particularly difficul t for her t o cut bac k o n correspondenc ethen. Plus , the holida y seaso n alway s fills up wit h pressure , an dit's difficult to change when we're already stressed .When w e embark o n change , i t helps to choose a time whe nother aspect s o f lif e run relativel y smoothly. (That' s no t alway spossible, but we can stil l consider a time that's at least slightly bettertha n others. )• When we'r e uncertai n abou t ou r resolve. Sometime s w ebegin th e change proces s halfheartedly. W e feel that w e should ,29

LORD, P I .FA.SK HELP M E T O CHANG Ebut w e don't reall y want to . That's a prescription fo r an immedi -ate downfall . Ho w badl y d o w e want t o change? Th e answe rdetermines ho w steadfastly we stay on course .Jesus said , "Anyon e wh o begin s t o plo w a field bu t keep slooking bac k i s of no us e i n th e kingdo m o f God" (Luk e 9:62) .Likewise, we can hardl y expect t o change when we'r e no t lookin gahead, focused on th e goal .Later, Pau l tol d th e Corinthians: "Th e one wh o plow s an dthe one wh o work s i n th e grai n shoul d hop e t o get som e o f th egrain fo r their work " ( 1 Corinthians 9:10c) . The sam e vers e i nanother version o f the Bibl e say s we should "plo w in hope" (KJV) .In thi s regard, ou r hop e rest s i n what's ahead rathe r tha n wha twe've left behind.When w e embark o n th e road t o change, w e can remembe rLot's wife. Fleeing th e wickedness o f Sodom an d Gomorrah , sh elooked bac k and turne d int o a pillar o f salt (Genesi s 19:26) . Ho wmuch bette r t o keep lookin g ahea d an d eventuall y t o tast e th esweetness of success .EHPERSONAL CHECKPOIN T1. Rerea d th e thre e way s that we're vulnerable whe n embarkin gon change . D o any of these describe you ?2. Wha t ca n yo u d o t o become les s vulnerable i n thes e or othe rareas?GOD'S VIEWPOIN TA prayer for perseverance :LORD, hear my prayer;listen to my cry for mercy.Answer mebecause you are loyal and good.Don't judge me, your servant,because no one alive is right before you.30

A TRU E VIE W O F YO UI remember what happened long ago;I consider everything you have done.1 think about all you have made.I lift my hands to you in prayer.As a dry land needs rain, I thirst for you.Lorn), answer me quickly,because I am getting weak.Don't turn away from me,or I will be like those who are dead.Tell me in the morning about your love,because I trust you.Show me what I should do,because my prayers go up to you.Lorn), save me from my enem ies;I hide in you.Teach me to do what you want,because you are my God.Let your good Spiritlead me on level ground.LORD, let me liveso people will praise you.In your goodnesssave me from my troubles.In your love defeat my enemies.Destroy all those who trouble me,because I am your servant.—Psalm 143: 1-2, 5-12YOUR RESPONS E1. Wha t part(s ) o f this prayer can yo u identif y with today ?2. I n regar d t o looking ahea d t o change, what woul d yo u lik e t osay to God? Tell Hi m i n a prayer .J/

W a yPEis ONE THIN GI D OWhen we tackle several changes at once,we can wind up changing nothing at all.y watch pointe d t o 6:3 0 A.M. , which explaine d part , bu tnot all , of m y grogginess. Visiting m y hometown o n vaca -tion, I had just drive n Mo m t o work s o I could us e her ca r fo rshopping later .While waiting for a red ligh t t o change, m y mind wandere dto a n articl e I had lef t on m y desk fiv e hundred mile s away .Rewriting i t i n m y head, I half-noticed tw o vehicles pullin garound m e and drivin g off. A man i n a pickup truc k tosse d m e aweird loo k a s he spe d by . I considered returnin g th e favor , bu tglanced u p a t the street light instead .Green. Bu t i n a few moments i t turned red .Oh no, I thought. Ijust sat through a green light!I slouched i n th e driver' s seat , overcome b y the demis e o fmy resolve t o relax. Eve n thoug h I had lef t my briefcase behind ,the manuscrip t ha d traile d m e t o Omaha, capture d m y thoughts ,and drive n m e t o distraction instea d o f down th e street . No w m yface felt as red a s the light smirkin g above me .Ask famil y and friends , and they'l l tel l yo u abou t m y pen -chant fo r taking o n to o man y project s and gettin g stresse d out ..12

A TRU E VIE W O F YO UOne personalit y tes t describes m y type as always wanting "a n extr asqueeze ou t o f life." That's fine b y me, but I don't kno w ho w t ostop squeezing before I drain th e lif e out o f myself.I seldom recogniz e when enoug h i s enough.So that da y i n th e car , I knew missin g a stoplight—or eve nthinking about a n article—wasn' t th e rea l problem. The inciden tsimply indicated that , once again, I had take n o n to o much i n to olittle time .onsidering m y bent towar d overdoing it , it's easy to imagin ehow I'v e attempted persona l chang e i n th e past : I'v e trie dto alter to o many things at once. And that' s a surefire way to fail.To accomplish a task well, we need t o focus.Focus means we concentrate o n onl y one goal .That's difficul t for many o f us . We're a generation o f dail yplanner users , management-by-objectiv e employees , an d Ne wYear's resolution writers . W e make list s and expec t t o complet ethem i n rapid-fir e succession. W e think tha t th e mor e w e handle ,the more respecte d an d successfu l we'll be .We're als o a people o f burnout an d emotiona l breakdowns .We don't kno w ho w to focus.One o f my friends, a career pianist, has helped m e t o under -stand focus . I t began wit h a n inciden t i n colleg e whe n w e live dtogether. I spent day s studying for a test, taking numerous breaks ,letting m y mind wander , an d noddin g of f t o sleep. The nigh tbefore th e test , Nancy entered ou r roo m afte r 1 0 P.M. , pulled ou tthe textbook , an d bega n readin g severa l chapter s fo r the test —for the first time . True t o form, I fell asleep before she finished.The nex t mornin g w e both too k th e test . Nanc y received a n"A" and I got a low "B. "We're bot h smar t women, bu t Nanc y know s ho w t o focus .Twenty years later, I' m reminde d o f tha t when I see her leanin ginto th e piano , hand s a blur ove r th e keyboard , fillin g the roo mwith magnificent sounds .Me? I'm lat e getting thi s manuscript t o m y editor. I' m a slowlearner o n th e subject of focus.But i n th e pas t fe w years I've accepted tha t I can onl y han -dle on e chang e a t a time. Whil e I work o n managin g mone ybetter, it' s not wis e for me als o to diet. I risk getting too frustratedand givin g up on both. (I'v e done tha t i n the past. )33

LORD. PI.EAS f. HEL P M E T O CHANG EActually, God didn' t creat e u s to b e jugglers. H e designe dus with one goa l i n mind: t o pleas e Him . Excep t si n muddled u pthe plan—and th e rat race began .Midst th e clutter , though, Go d stil l calls individuals t o on etask a t a time. To Moses : "G o sav e m y people." To th e prophets :"Preach th e truth. " To Mary : "Rais e m y Son." Eve n Jesus focuse don on e goal: t o do th e wil l of His Father i n heaven . And th e apos -tle Pau l said , "Thi s one thin g I do" instead o f "Thes e fourtee nthings I do and chok e on mos t o f them. "While thes e biblica l example s represen t God' s cal l t o life -time tasks , there' s a principle tha t trickle s dow n int o th eeveryday. To achiev e wha t matters—an d t o reall y change—w eneed t o focus.With Pau l w e can say , " I know tha t I have no t ye t reache dthat goal , but ther e i s one thin g I always do. Forgetting th e pas tand strainin g towar d wha t i s ahead, I keep tryin g t o reac h th egoal" (Philippians 3:13-14a) .MPERSONAL CHECKPOIN T1. Ho w ar e yo u doin g a t focusing on you r goa l t o change ?2. Ho w might you narrow and sharpe n you r focus?On developin g focus:GOD'S VIEWPOIN TI do not mean that I am already as God wants me to be. I have not yetreached that goal, but I continue trying to reach it and to make it mine.Christ wants me to do that, which is the reason he made me his. Brothersand sisters, I know that I have not yet reached that goal, but there is onething I always do. Forgetting the past and straining toward what isahead, I keep trying to reach the goal and get the prize for which Godcalled me through Christ to the life above.All of us who are spiritually mature should think this way, too.And if there are things you do not agree with, God will make them clear to34'

A TRU E VIE W O F YO Uyou. But we should continue following the truth we already have.Brothers and sisters, all of you should try to follow my example andto copy those who live the way we showed you. Many people live like enemiesof the cross of Christ. I have often told you about them, and it makesme cry to tell you about them now. In the end, they will be destroyed. Theydo whatever their bodies luant, they are proud of their shameful acts, andthey think only about earthly things. But our homeland is in heaven, andwe are waiting for our Savior, the Lord Jesus Christ, to come from heaven.By his power to rule all things, he will change our simple bodies and makethem like his own glorious body.Be full of joy in the Lord always. I will say again, be full of joy.—Philippians 3:12-21, 4:4YOUR RESPONS E1. Ho w can focusin g on Chris t help you t o change ?2. Ho w can yo u continue followin g "the truth yo u already have" ?35

a yLET TH E TRUT HBE KNOW NAn honest personal inventoryenhances our ability to change.specially during Worl d Wa r II , Margaret Bourke-Whit edistinguished hersel f a s a photo-journalist an d a womanwho kne w he r destiny . I n he r autobiograph y decade s later , Mar -garet attribute d he r sens e o f purpose t o parents who taugh t an dmodeled a search fo r integrity. She wrote :I realize no w ho w [m y father's] entir e purpos e wa sfocused towar d attainin g [a ] self-se t standard, ho wdeep i n hi m th e philosoph y was : never leav e a jo buntil yo u hav e done i t t o sui t yourself an d bette r tha nanyone els e requires yo u t o do it . Perhaps thi s unspo -ken cree d wa s the mos t valuable inheritanc e a chil dcould receiv e from her father .That, an d th e lov e o f truth, which i s requisite No . 1for a photographer. An d i n thi s trainin g Mothe rshared. When I was a very small child, i f I broke a soupplate, Mothe r woul d say , "Margaret, wa s it an acciden tor wa s i t carelessness?" I f I said i t was carelessness, 1was punished; a n accident , I was forgiven. I am prou d.Iff

A TRU E VIE W O F YO Uof Mother' s visio n i n knowin g ho w importan t i t i s t olearn t o b e judge o f one's ow n behavior . Sh e di d wel lto se e tha t a habit o f trut h throughou t lif e i s mor eimportant tha n th e broken sou p plates . "Margaret's persona l evaluation s late r enable d he r t o cas t akeen ey e o n th e world . Whethe r photographin g stee l mills ,migrant workers , Germa n bombers , Joseph Stali n o r Mahatm aGandhi, sh e courageously focuse d on detai l an d truth . Wit h thi sapproach, sh e brok e th e conventiona l bound s o f photograph yand secure d he r plac e i n history .Margaret admittedl y owe d he r succes s t o an inne r certaint ysince childhood . He r mothe r ha d tol d her , "Margaret , yo u ca nalways be proud tha t you were invite d int o the world." 1 4(jtyi/YMX. a wonderful legac y for a daughter—to know , for cer -yy tain , tha t her parent s wanted he r birt h an d t o feel secur eand purposefu l while growin g up . Sadly , that' s no t th e cas e fo rmany children today .But there's recompense .Even i f love and securit y aren't par t o f our earthl y heritage ,it certainly belong s t o our heavenl y legacy . God planne d fo r eac hof us to visit the earth . Becaus e H e wants us . Becaus e H e love s us .And wit h tha t knowledge , w e ca n bas k i n ou r relationshi p wit hHim an d gro w strong i n our plac e i n th e world .We can als o honestly asses s ourselves .When we'r e love d deeply and unconditionally , there' s safet yin admittin g ou r shortcoming s an d evaluatin g thei r impact . W ecan b e truthful . We don't ris k th e humiliatio n o f rejection . I nfact, we long t o change t o please our love d one .And s o i t can b e with God .When w e grasp th e Lord' s magnanimou s lov e for us , w e n olonger fea r Hi s recrimination fo r our si n an d shortcomings . W erepent wit h th e sorro w o f hurting a lover , bu t als o with th e cer -tainty o f Hi s forgiveness. Openly assessin g ourselve s before Go dand confessin g si n become s th e mean s fo r nurturing a preciou srelationship.It also clears the pat h fo r change .If the trut h b e known , there' s a mystica l lin k betwee n hon -estly assessing ourselve s and accomplishin g rea l change . It' s th eJ 7

LORD. PI.EAS f. HEL P M E T O CHANG Elink calle d repentance . Whe n w e repent o f our sins , we gain th espiritual powe r and purit y that can transfor m us .The preache r Pete r Marshal l kne w this , and i n a n orator yprayer, h e tol d God :I dare t o pra y tha t somethin g wil l happen t o me i nThy presence. Lord , I know I need t o be changed !Forgive m e fo r al l th e intention s tha t wer e bor nand someho w neve r lived . These, Lor d Jesus, are sins ,grievous in Thy sight, grievous even i n mine .And no w I claim Th y promis e t o change me . D othou fo r me what I cannot do for myself. Lead m e int oa ne w tomorro w wit h a new spirit . Cleans e m y heart ,create withi n m e ne w attitudes and ne w ideas , a s onl yThou cans t create them. 1 5May thi s b e our praye r a s we le t th e trut h b e know n an dbegin t o change .EHPERSONAL CHECKPOIN T1. Befor e God, hav e you honestl y assessed yourself ?2. I f not, what keep s you from telling Hi m th e truth ?GOD'S VIEWPOIN TThe psalmis t confesses his sin t o God :Happy is the personwhose sins are forgiven,whose urrongs are pardoned.Happy is the personwhom the LORD does not consider guiltyand in whom there is nothing false.38'

A TRU E VIE W O F Yo uWhen I kept things to myself,I felt weak deep inside me.I moaned all day long.Then I confessed my sins to youand didn't hide my guilt.I said, "I will confess my sins to the LORD, "and you forgave my guilt.For this reason, all who obey youshould pray to you while they still can.When troubles rise like a flood,they will not reach them.You are my hiding place.You protect me from my troublesand fill me with songs of salvation.The LORD says, "I will make you wise and show youwhere to go.I will guide you and watch over you.So don't be like a horse or donkey,that doesn't understand.They must be led with bits and reins,or they will not come near you. "Wicked people have many troubles,but the LORD'S love surrounds those who trust him.Good people, rejoice and be happy in the LORD.Sing all you whose hearts are right.—Psalm 32:1-3, 5-11YOUR RESPONS E1. Ho w can yo u vie w God a s a lover who will forgive you?2. Ho w might yo u honestl y assess yourself before Him ?

JTHE GIR L YO UExploring childhood influences canhelp us understand our behaviors.n th e earl y 1900s , Bery l Markha m gre w up with th e son sof African warrior s an d tracke d gam e wit h th e bes t o fthem. A s a young girl , sh e ha d move d wit h he r parent s fro mGreat Britai n t o Eas t Africa, against her gentee l mother' s protes -tations.Africa suited Beryl . Sh e identifie d with it s wild and mysteri -ous ways .Her mother di d not .Clara misse d he r upper-clas s advantage s an d eventuall ysailed bac k t o England without her husband an d young daughter .It's speculated tha t Clar a expecte d t o return, s o she lef t Bery lbehind t o enjoy the jungle instea d o f uprooting he r onc e again .Whatever th e intent, Clar a late r divorce d he r husban d an d neve rreturned t o Njoro where he and Bery l lived .For this , Bery l never forgave her mother .Several years later, Beryl' s father retreated t o Peru, drive nto bankruptcy b y the far m he an d hi s daughter loved . Bery l ha dmarried no t lon g before , but a s a sixteen-year-old bride , sh e stil lwanted her father nearby and misse d hi m dearly .I/O

A TRU E VIE W O F YO UBased o n firs t impressions , th e abandonment s didn' tappear t o mangle Beryl' s life . She gained internationa l fam e a sthe firs t person t o fl y solo across th e Atlanti c Ocea n fro m Eng -land t o North America , agains t th e headwinds . Befor e this , sh ehad becom e Africa' s first femal e thoroughbred traine r an d it sfirst woman bus h pilot . She also published a best-selling book an dnumerous short stories about he r adventures .Personally, though , th e desertion s traile d Bery l fo r a life -time. Sh e neve r reall y like d women an d seldo m truste d men . Sh ebecame notoriousl y promiscuou s an d harbore d n o conscienc eabout ho w sh e spen t mone y o r i f she pai d mountin g bills . I tseemed tha t whe n Beryl' s parents left , she abandoned he r con -science and queste d fo r attention. 1 6One ca n gues s tha t Bery l didn't chang e he r destructiv ehabits sinc e sh e neve r pause d lon g enough t o reckon wit h th echildhood tha t shape d he r womanhood. I n he r late r years , whe nthe fame had passed , she hated livin g alone with herself .uch o f the goal t o change personall y centers on a strug -gle t o liv e at peace wit h ourselves . I f we stop th e activit yand si t quietly wit h ourselves , w e would lik e t o feel a t eas e wit hour ow n company .Yet for many o f us, that's when th e agon y begins . Wit h tim eto think, w e recount ou r sin s and imperfections , fearing they ma ybe discovered, or w e worry about ho w they'v e alread y indicted us .It's much easie r t o keep bus y and drow n ou t th e inne r voic e tha tnags us .Strangely, it' s this same voic e o f conscience tha t ca n lea d u sto peace—if we'll pause lon g enough t o answer the questions an devaluate who we are and wher e we'v e been. I t begins with review -ing our persona l histor y and particularl y th e growing-tip years .With th e expert s an d literatur e availabl e today , mos t o f u sagree tha t childhoo d influence s play a powerful role i n shapin gus. I t take s considerable coaxing , though , t o convince u s to facethe gir l we've left behind. I t can b e too revealing and painful .Who wa s she bac k then ? Ho w di d lif e affect her? Th eanswers t o thes e and othe r question s poin t t o the habit s and atti -tudes w e figh t today . Understandin g ho w ou r problem sdeveloped ca n hel p u s to overcome the m i f we dare t o act on th einsights we gain.55

LORD. PI.EASF . HELP M E T O CHANG EBut first, th e questions. I n regard t o our nee d t o change, w ecan begi n wit h these :Who modeled th e attitudes tha t affect me today ?What were the less-than-desirabl e attitudes ?What problem behavior s run i n m y family?Am I suffering from the "sin s of my fathers"?What hurt me a s a child, a girl, a young woman ?How could thi s pain hav e molded m y behavior ?What family patterns o f relating shaped me ?What values were missing from m y upbringing ?These ar e difficul t questions. Bu t the y open th e door fo r ahurting gir l t o fac e the pas t an d tur n int o a woman withou twounds.1. Ho w do yo u fee l about explorin g your childhood fo r clues t oyour behavior today ?2. Wha t could be the dangers and advantage s of this exploration ?GOD'S VIEWPOIN TThe Lord' s promise t o renew the past :The LORD says, "Forget what happened before,and do not think about the past.Look at the new thing I am going to do.It is already happening. Don't you see it?I will make a road in the desertand rivers in the dry land. "The LORD says, "People of Jacob,you are my servants. Listen to me!People of Israel, I chose you. "This is what the LORD says, who made you,who formed you in your mother's body,who will help you:42'

A TRU E VIE W O F YO U"People of Jacob,my servants, don't be afraid.Israel, I chose you.I will pour out water for the thirsty landand make streams flow on dry land.I will pour out my Spirit into your childrenand my blessing on your descendants.Your children will grow like a tree in the grass,like poplar trees growing beside streams of water. "The LORD, the king of Israel,is the LORD All-Powerful, who saves Israel.This is what he says: "I am the beginning and the end.I am the only God.Who is a god like me?That god should come and prove it.Let him tell and explain all that has happened since Iset up my ancient people.He should also tell what will happen in the future.Don't be afraid! Don't worry!I have always told you what will happen.You are my witnesses.There is no other God Init me.I know of no other Rock; I am the only One. "—Isaiah 43:18-19; 44:1-4, 6-8YOUR RESPONS E1. I f God say s to "forge t what happened before, " should yo u car eabout understandin g childhoo d influences ?2. A t what poin t ca n yo u qui t thinkin g about th e pas t and loo k t othe future?4.1

a yGRABBING A TTrue change can begin whenwe forgive ourselves of the past.hile m y car's windshield wiper s whapped a t th e sputter -ing rain, I glanced skywar d and protested : Oh, no, it can'train. Not today; not now! Doesn't God realize how important these nextfew hours are?I pressed th e ga s pedal harder , urgin g th e wiper s an d a naging engine t o mov e ahead. An d fo r the nex t half-hou r w e pur -posefully—almost defiantly—pulse d together : th e wipers , th eengine, the raindrops, m y heart.Uttering t o their rhythm, I repeated m y resolve: I've got to getto the ocean. I've got to get to the ocean! Because i f I got there , some -how everything would b e al l right .Finally at the beach, I quieted th e car, rolled up m y collar, andstepped int o the drizzle . Then, while squishing along the shoreline ,I pondered wha t I would soon dump into the gray waters.About everythin g ha d gon e wron g tha t year . An d I ha dtopped i t all off with a fit of crankiness—downright rudeness —toward Mothe r when sh e visited m e a t Christmas time. Poor Mom .I had reall y unloaded o n her , an d m y unhappiness wasn' t he rfault.

A TRU E VIE W O F YO UNow she had gon e home , an d I stumbled int o th e ne w yea rwith a burden o f remorse. To me , surlines s towar d Mo m symbol -ized m y sins and failure s of tha t whole , horribl e year . An d n omatter ho w har d I prayed, I couldn't cas t of f the accumulate dguilt.So driving to the ocean wa s my last shot at absolution—fromthe wa y I had treate d m y mother, fro m m y piled-up failures, frommy inability t o change, fro m m y reluctance t o forgive myself. Fo rsome unexplainabl e reason , I felt compelled t o return t o the sea -side spot where 1 had sniped a t Mom the worst—and where water ,a symbol of cleansing, flowe d freely.Pulling m y coat closer , I mentally culle d ou t naggin g sin sand failures , one b y one. After I repented an d aske d Go d fo r forgiveness—andafte r I forgave myself— I imagined dumpin g eac hoffense into the sea .Then I whispered towar d heaven , "Lord , I know You r lov eand forgivenes s run deepe r an d wide r tha n thi s ocean. S o toda yI've repented, an d no w I'm acceptin g you r absolution , once an dfor all. I'm throwin g awa y this guilt, too! "The nex t da y m y spirit lightened . An d fo r weeks after , Irecalled th e "bi g dump" when I felt tempted t o reliv e offenses Ihad discarded .No, you can't pester me, I mentally sai d t o lingering accusa -tions. I threw my guilt into the ocean on that rainy Sunday.Soon, even th e temptatio n t o feel guilty washed away , lost i nthe man y waters of forgiveness.When w e reckon wit h our nee d t o change, w e can fee l ter -y.r ribl e remors e about ho w our behavio r ha s harmed othe rpeople. Bu t once we'v e aske d the m fo r forgiveness, the pardon -ing doesn't end there . It' s equally important t o forgive ourselves.For women, thi s step ca n b e difficult . Because o f lo w selfesteem,famil y background, sensitivity , or emotional wounds , w eoften can' t forgiv e ourselves. W e repeatedl y flo g ourselves t oprove tru e repentance , whe n i n reality , we're refusin g t o gra bGod's grace .We als o stymi e th e chang e process . Unti l w e forgive our -selves for who we've been , it' s difficult to believ e i n who w e ca nbecome.The apostl e Pete r practice d self-forgivenes s that opened th e45

LORD. PI.EAS f. HEL P M E T O CHANG Edoor t o remarkable change . H e crie d bitterl y after denying Jesusthree time s t o protect himsel f from punishment (Matthe w 26:69 -75). Then whe n Jesus forgav e hi m an d said , "Fee d m y lambs, "Peter rallie d int o a great spiritua l leade r (Joh n 21:15) .At some point , Pete r mus t hav e forgive n himself . H ebelieved an d fulfille d the prophec y tha t h e woul d becom e th erock o n whic h Chris t coul d buil d th e Churc h (Matthe w 16:18) .After Christ's ascension, Pete r performed miracle s and stoo d stal -wart throug h persecution . Bu t he couldn't hav e wielde d suc hspiritual powe r while wallowing in unforgiveness .Self-forgiveness needs exercise i n man y areas. It' s necessar yfor absolving everyda y mistake s and fo r life-changing failures. Yetif we trul y repent, Go d wil l forgive any si n we'v e committed. S owhy shouldn't w e forgive ourselves ?Each o f us must probe tha t question. Bu t really, there's onl yone answer . Just a s we love Him becaus e H e ttrst love d us , we als ocan forgiv e ourselves because H e first forgave us. 1 7•PERSONAL CHECKPOIN T1. Hav e yo u forgive n yoursel f fo r th e behavio r yo u wan t t ochange?2. Wha t can b e difficult about forgivin g yourself?GOD'S VIEWPOIN TThe Lord's promise t o His people :"Look, the time is coming, " says the LORD,"when I will make a new agreementwith the people. . . .It will not be like the agreementI made with their ancestorsivhen I took them by the handto bring them out of Egypt.46'

A TRU E VIE W O F YO UI was a husband to them,but they broke that agreement, " says the LORD."I will put my teachings in their mindsand unite them on their hearts.I will be their God,and they will be my people.People will no longer have to teach their neighbors andrelativesto knoui the LORD,because all people will know me,from the least to the most important, " says the LORD."/ will forgive them for the wicked things they did,and I will not remember their sins anymore. "This is what the LORD says:"Only if people can measure the sky aboveand learn the secrets of the earth below,will I reject [my people]because of what they have done, " says the LORD.—Jeremiah 31:31-32, 33b-34, 37YOUR RESPONS E1. Wha t causes you t o reject and no t forgiv e yourself2. Ho w can yo u begi n t o model self-forgivenes s after God's abso -lution o f Hi s people ?47

WHEN THE INSID EIPILLS OU THandling the pain and emotions of changef n all our hearts, faith is mixed with doubt, love withbitterness. It is extremely difficult for us to acknowledgethis utterly illogical and contradictory character of ourfeelings. It is true that the most contrary feelings can live sideby side in our hearts: hope and despair, joy and sorrow, anxietyand trust. We are controlled by feelings, not by logic,though we fondly imagine that we are being guided by ourreason. What happens in fact is that reason supplies thearguments with ivhich to justify our behaviour. We appear tobe logical, but are thoroughly illogical. That is one more contradiction.18 Paul Tournier ,The Meaning of PersonsM

LORD. PI.EAS f. HEL P M E T O CHANG E(yY/Z/nen Angel a decide d t o change, he r friend s fel t th e// quake . Fo r a year or two , she ha d suspecte d tha t some -thing wasn' t right—tha t perhap s a dysfunctional childhood ha daffected her adulthoo d behaviors . Plague d b y insecurities an dhyper-sensitivity, sh e routinel y pushe d friend s and coworker s t othe edge b y questioning thei r motive s and needin g constant reas -surance.It took gri t t o b e Angela's friend. Sh e delighte d u s wit hwarmth an d humo r an d the n clobbere d u s with accusations .Somehow, th e good time s outweighed th e bad, and w e stuck wit hher. (No t tha t w e wore wings. We worked i n th e sam e offic e withAngela. We couldn't leave. )Still, when Angel a announce d sh e ha d starte d therapy , w esighed wit h relief . Sh e wanted t o find peac e fo r what churne dinside her . W e wanted tha t fo r Angela, too . W e hoped fo r he rbest, never suspecting we would ge t the worst .Nobody needed t o as k Angela abou t he r therap y appoint -ments. Eac h mornin g afte r a session, sh e looke d a wreck an dacted eve n worse . O n thos e mornings , sh e gloomily avoide d us .Then gradually , for the next fe w days, her emotions spille d out a sstrong an d unpredictabl e a s our Midwes t winters. I t too k abou t aweek t o ge t th e "real " Angela back , bu t the n th e cycl e bega nagain.We learne d t o han g o n fo r the rumble .As Angela worke d throug h th e grie f o f a tattered child -hood, w e watched he r cry . When sh e confronte d disappoint -ments, w e encountered he r anger . A s she pulle d awa y fro mpeople pleasing , w e got slamme d b y her assertiveness . Whe n sh ewrestled with lo w self-esteem, we felt her shame .About a year later, though, Angela's emotions began t o sub -side. A warm an d lovin g perso n showe d u p fo r work fa r mor eoften tha n th e insecur e woma n w e ha d tolerated . Angel achanged. Sh e starte d t o lov e th e woman Go d create d he r t o be .And s o did we .ngela's story isn't unusual. When w e begin t o change, al lvr ^y kind s o f emotions spil l out , mos t o f which w e can' timmediately control . Change uncork s what's bottled insid e o f us ,and there' s no predicting what's lurking within .50'

WHEN TH E INSID E SPILL S OU TAlso, Angela's emotions wer e necessary . Emotion s hel p u ssort ou t wha t needs t o b e changed. W e can depen d o n the m t oguide u s toward healing . They remin d u s o f our humanit y an dour nee d for God. They signal that , yes, we've entered th e chang eprocess.Still, there's n o excus e fo r pummeling peopl e aroun d us .(Angela wa s lucky we valued our jobs and paychecks , or w e migh tnot hav e stuc k with her. ) Wit h th e hel p o f God's Word an d Hi sSpirit, we can gai n insigh t t o our emotion s and graduall y captur ethem befor e the y torped o everyon e i n sight . (An d lear n t orequest forgivenes s when the y do. )So when w e expect ourselve s t o change, w e can anticipat ethe emotions , too . An d whe n w e hang o n fo r th e quake , mor eoften than not , a lovable person wil l ascend from the debris .EHPERSONAL CHECKPOIN TIn Part Three, explore the emotions common t o die change process .But first, answer these questions :1. Wha t emotions hav e you fel t in th e change process ?2. Ho w do you feel about your emotional reactions ?3. Ho w might yo u lear n t o respond rathe r tha n reac t when you remotions spill ?51

auA STA B I NTHE SOU LGod can fill the emptiness anddisappointment of missed potential.S J ? n th e 1950s , a young Frenc h ma n an d woma n sa t on th eleft bank o f the Seine River , weeping .Why? Because the y loved each other an d couldn't expres s it .As students o f philosopher Jean-Paul Sartre , the y believed tha tthe words " I lov e you" only meant " I have a sexual urge. " Reduc -tionist theorie s ha d taugh t the m tha t lov e didn't exist—tha t i tonly disguised th e animal instinct s of procreation .So the coupl e crie d a s they denied wha t the y instinctivel yknew t o be true : Lov e live s in th e human heart . Denyin g it s existence—andthei r potentia l a s loving companions—stabbed thei rsouls with confusion. 1 9s year a t th e winte r Olympi c games , athlete s fro maround th e worl d compete d fo r a chance t o sa y they'r ethe world's best . The game s unfolded a s a story o f hope gaine dand lost .It broke heart s when competitors , afte r years of strenuou straining, los t the gold b y inches or seconds or tenths of a point. O r52

WHF.N TH E INSID E SPII.I. S OU Twhen th e unthinkabl e happened : A young gir l fel l from th e bal -ance beam ; a sprinter stumble d t o th e ground an d writhe d i npain; a swimmer twic e started falsel y and go t eliminate d fro m arace.For thes e Olympians , gettin g s o close—and stil l losing —stabbed thei r soul s with regret .__ /j/o t lon g ago, I sat with a friend who, as of yet, hasn't over -V com e a n addictio n that' s suffocating her sanity ."When wil l I ever change?" she asked while sobbing. " I knowI'm bette r tha n this! "Now sh e doesn' t wan t t o kee p tryin g t o change. It' s to ohard. It' s too discouraging. Constantl y fallin g short o f her expec -tations has stabbed he r sou l with pain .stab i n th e soul . That's ho w i t feels when ou r behavio rvr^*-/' fall s short an d disappoint s o r eve n devastate s us . W eknow we're capable of a better performance, but something block sour potential. And usuall y tha t "something " dwells within us .It's so frustrating.It's als o biblical . Whe n Go d create d th e firs t man an dwoman i n Hi s image. H e stampe d the m wit h Hi s perfection. H enever intende d fo r humanity t o suffer from flaw s and incapabili -ty. But Adam an d Eve' s disobedience irrevocabl y changed us .Ever after, we've live d wit h the understanding o f perfection ,but we'v e lacke d the ability to achieve it . We succumb t o weakness -es and sin . W e lon g fo r the da y when Go d wil l restor e u s to Hi sideal. (An d sometimes , w e mistakenly believ e w e can achiev e i tnow.)Even th e earth groan s wit h thi s expectation. "W e know tha teverything Go d mad e ha s been waitin g unti l no w i n pain , lik e awoman read y t o giv e birth, " wrot e th e apostl e Pau l t o th eRomans. "No t onl y the world , bu t w e also have been waitin g wit hpain insid e us. "Then h e reminded the m o f the good news ."We have the Spiri t a s the firs t part o f God's promise . S o weare waiting fo r God t o finish makin g u s his own children , whic hmeans our bodie s wil l be mad e free . Also, the Spiri t help s us withour weaknesses," he explained (Roman s 8:22-23 , 26a) ..5.1

LORD, PLEAS E HEL P ME T O CHANG EAfter Jesus returned t o heaven , Go d sen t th e Hol y Spirit —the Comforter—t o empowe r u s for hol y living . No t earthl yperfection. Not everythin g we'v e alway s wanted. Bu t t o a highe rlevel of living: a spiritual dimensio n tha t strengthens u s for plod -ding a craggy an d perilou s world . And wit h th e promis e that ,when w e reach heaven , God wil l restore u s to perfection.In th e meantime , w e can recko n wit h our earth-boun d limi -tations. Wit h th e Hol y Spirit' s help , w e can change , bu t we'l lnever achiev e perfectio n i n thes e bodies or o n thi s planet. Earth -ly transformations onl y serv e a s a deposit o n heaven' s matchles sglories.With thi s promise, H e wants to stab our soul s with joy .mPERSONAL CHECKPOIN T1. I s your sou l stabbed wit h pai n o r joy? Why ?2. I n your heart, do you long for perfection? Ho w does this affectyour change process ?GOD'S VIEWPOIN TOn livin g i n th e Hol y Spirit's power :So now, those who are in Christ Jesus are not judged guilty. ThroughChrist Jesus the law of the Spirit that Inings life made me free from the lawthat brings sin and death. The law was without poxver, because the lawwas made weak by our sinful selves. But God did what the law could notdo. He sent his own Son to earth with the same human life that others usefor sin. By sending his Son to be an offering to pay for sin, God used ahuman life to destroy sin. He did this so that we could be the kind of peoplethe law correctly wants us to be. Now we do not live following oursinful selves, but we live following the Spirit.Those who live following their sinful selves think only about thingsthat their sinful selves ivant. But those who live following the Spirit arethinking about the things the Spirit wants them to do. If people's thinkingis controlled by the sinful self, there is death. But if their thinking is con-.:54

WHF.N TH E INSID E SPILL S OU Ttrolled by the Spirit, there is life and peace. When people's thinking is controlledby the sinful self, they are against God, because they refuse to obeyGod's law and really are not even able to obey God's law. Those peoplewho are ruled by their sinful selves cannot please God.But you are not ruled by your sinful selves. You are ruled by theSpirit, if that Spirit of God really lives in you. But the person who does nothave the Spirit of Christ does not belong to Christ. Your body will alwaysbe dead because of sin. But if Christ is in you, then the Spirit gives youlife, because Christ made you right with God. God raised Jesus from thedead, and if God's Spirit is living in you, he urill also give life to your bodiesthat die. God is the One who raised Christ from the dead, and he willgive life through his Spirit that lives in you.So, my brothers and sisters, we must not be ruled by our sinful selvesor live the way our sinful selves want. If you use your lives to do the urrongthings your sinful selves want, you will die spiritually. But if you use theSpirit's help to stop doing the wrong things you do with your body, youwill have true life.—Romans 8:1-13YOUR RESPONS E1. Ho w do your feel about your imperfection o n earth ?2. Ho w can yo u ta p into the Spirit' s power for holy living ?

LIVING I N LOU DDESPERATIONWhen used wisely, anger canfacilitate the change process.he mas s o f me n lea d live s o f quiet desperation, " sai dHenry Thoreau whe n h e retreate d t o th e woods an dWalden Pond. 20Not so for everybody, say s my friend Ellen ."I liv e m y life in lou d desperation, " sh e explains , referrin gto the incessan t persona l problem s she' s endured—and ho wvocal she's gotten abou t her pai n an d anger .1 love and respec t tha t about Ellen . She's always honest abou twhat she's thinking and feeling , even i f it's difficult for her t o sa y it.I'm sur e Ellen's therapist love s that about her , too . It' s prob -ably not necessar y t o coax out he r feeling s and opinion s during acounseling session . I imagine the y pull up chairs , sea t themselves ,and clamor for attention whe n th e appointment begins . Faithfully,they've helped Elle n maneuve r th e change process .A counselor onc e tol d me , "Sinc e healin g depends o n hon -esty, it's much easie r working with people who spil l their emotion severywhere tha n spendin g week s and month s gettin g the m t oopen up. "That counselor would hav e loved Ellen .56'

WHEN TH E INSID E SPILL S OU Tike Ellen , man y women exis t comfortably—o r a t leas tknowingly—with thei r emotions . Although we'r e equall y a thome wit h ou r intellects , t o touc h u s deeply i s to respec t an dunderstand ou r feelings .Still, there's one emotion tha t confuses us. We struggle wit hits expression an d repres s it . Or w e let i t rip and the n fee l humili -ated. Ironically, men who're uneas y with emotion ca n express thi sfeeling without thought . Bu t a s young girls , our mother s taugh tus to "b e nice," so we fear its sound an d fury .We're uncomfortabl e wit h ou r anger ."The taboo s against our feeling and expressin g anger ar e s opowerful tha t eve n knowing whe n w e are angr y i s not a simpl ematter. Whe n a woman show s her anger , sh e i s likely t o be dis -missed a s irrational o r worse, " wrote psychologis t Dr . Harrie tGoldhor Lerner . "Thus , w e . . . learn t o fear our ow n anger , no tonly because i t brings about th e disapprova l o f others, bu t als obecause i t signals the necessit y for change." 2 1Yet, i f we truly desire change, w e need no t fear our anger: I tfacilitates the transformatio n process . I f used well , i t can motivat eus t o begin changin g an d t o kee p persevering . Ange r point s t ospecific hurts an d Fight s against what' s wronged us . I t desire swholeness and significance . I t seek s justice. Bu t anger ca n als odemand revenge . Fo r thi s reason, i t helps t o gauge whether it' shealing rathe r tha n hurting , an d motivatin g rathe r tha n destroy -ing ourselves and others .That's a leap fo r many o f us . We're stil l a t th e stag e wher ewe repress anger an d depres s ourselves . O r w e communicate i tdestructively an d deepe n th e pai n an d bitterness . O r w e displac eit on th e wrong thing s or people .Or wome n lik e m e combin e al l o f thes e option s an d tur ninto a seething mess .I remember on e bos s whose spars e compliments particular -ly bothered me . I would knoc k mysel f out o n a project and h ewould barel y notice—o r poin t t o smal l detail s tha t neede dimprovement. Fo r months I felt depressed. Then I got angry , bu tinstead o f confronting him, I spewed on peopl e around me .One da y while standing i n m y manager's office , waiting forhis response t o m y work, m y mind flashed back . Suddenly, I imaginedmysel f a s a fourth grader , standin g i n fron t o f m y fathe rwhile he looked a t m y report card ."Look, Dad, " I reported. " I got straight A' s this quarter. "57

LORD, PLEAS E HE L P ME T O CHANG E"Yes, I see," he said , and hande d i t back t o me .My father's dismissal ha d crushe d me . An d standin g i n acorporate office , I realized m y boss wasn't th e roo t problem . 1had transferre d m y need fo r fatherly approval t o mal e superior sat work. I had displace d m y anger and i t nearly destroyed me .Getting t o th e roo t o f that anger helpe d m e t o understand ,heal, and forgive . And that' s ho w anger ca n wor k on ou r behalf :It can lea d u s toward forgiveness .Ephesians 4:2 6 tell s us to be angry, but no t t o sin. I n othe rwords, don't le t anger lea d t o bitterness, unresolve d conflict , andunforgiveness. That's far different than neve r getting angr y a t all .Anger i s not a sin, but what w e do with i t can be .As we work through th e change process , the Hol y Spirit ca nhelp us to discern th e difference.mPERSONAL CHECKPOIN T1. A s you've worked towar d change, hav e you felt angry? Why ?2. Wha t coul d b e a t the root o f your anger ?Paul writes about ho w to live :GOD'S VIEWPOIN TYou were taught to leave your old self—to stop living the evil way youlived before. The old self becomes worse, because people are fooled by theevil things they want to do. But you were taught to be made new in yourhearts, to become a new person. That new person is made to be like God—made to be truly good and holy.So you must stop telling lies. Tell each other the truth, because weall belong to each other in the same body. When you are angry, do not sin,and be sure to stop being angry before the end of the day. Do not give thedevil a way to defeat you. Those who are stealing must stop stealing andstart working. They should earn an honest living for themselves. Thenthey will have something to share with those u

WHEN TH E INSID E SPIIJ. S OU Tneed—words that unll help others become stronger. Then what you say willdo good to those who listen to you. And do not make the Holy Spirit sad.The Spirit is God's proof that you belong to him. God gave you the Spiritto show that God will make you free when the final day comes. Do not bebitter or angry or mad. Never shout angrily or say things to hurt others.Never do anything evil. Be kind and loving to each other, a nd forgiveeach other just as God forgave you in Christ.—Ephesians 4:22-32YOUR RESPONS E1. When Pau l wrote , "D o not b e bitte r o r angr y or mad, " do yo uthink h e meant neve r t o express anger? Why , or why not?2. Ho w can yo u us e anger t o facilitate personal change ?5,9

HIDING FRO M JO YChrist can heal the humiliationof who we are and what we've done.s l° n g a s s h e can remember , foo d playe d a n importan trole i n Maria' s home life . Her parent s love d t o eat. T othem, foo d symbolize d famil y togetherness an d thei r ric h ethni cheritage.So growing up , Mari a didn't lear n ho w t o manage food—o rrealize tha t there' s a limit t o ho w muc h a person ca n ea t befor ereaping the consequences ."If you didn't ea t second an d thir d helpings , i t offended m ymother. Sh e would thin k w e didn't lik e her cookin g and tha t sh ehad faile d a t takin g car e o f us , s o we shovele d i t in, " explain sMaria."Besides, m y mom wa s a great cook, " she adds wit h a weaksmile.Maria turne d int o a great cook , too . B y age thirteen , sh eoutweighed he r friends but could outperform mos t women i n he rability to create a mouth-watering feast ."I was proud o f m y cooking ability . I t gained m y family'sapproval, and tha t bolstere d m y self-esteem," she says .go

WHEN TH E INSID E SPILL S OU TAt school, however, the approval vanished ."In m y family, everyone wa s overweight, s o I felt accepted .But especially in gy m clas s at school, I noticed ho w much thinne rthe other girl s were and I felt ashamed. W e wore gy m suit s tha trevealed ever y lump, and I'l l neve r forge t th e humiliatio n o f tak -ing group showers ."Some girl s made fun o f m y chubbiness. An d that' s when Itook on shamefu l feelings about m y body," she continues. " I sufferedwit h i t for years. Instea d o f changing myself , I went int ohiding."Maria "hid " b y withdrawing a t school , onl y participatin gwhen absolutel y necessar y and hangin g ou t wit h th e "misfits. " Assoon a s possible, though , sh e returned t o the comfort o f home —and mor e food .As the year s progressed, sh e gained mor e weigh t an d hi dmore often . "Tha t is , a s much a s you coul d hid e tw o hundre dpounds," she adds ."If I couldn't hid e physically , I would a t leas t hide mentally .It took years to realize that I wasn't just hidin g m y body. I was alsohiding m y shame. An d unti l I uncovered m y humiliation, Icouldn't begi n t o accept mysel f and t o change. "_C_^>name i s a powerful and perplexin g force . Instea d o f pro -per'S pellin g u s toward change , i t submerges u s into th e dar kside of ourselves, alone and afrai d of discovery ."Shame's mos t importan t objectiv e is to not be exposed,"writes Stephanie E . in th e recover y pamphlet, Shame-Faced. "Mostpeople who are 'shame-based ' don' t kno w it . They can't. It' s slip -pery."Sometimes i t comes on s o slowly, you won't kno w when yo ustarted t o feel this way. And i t i s most often disguised a s what i t i snot: irrational whit e rage, indifference, the overwhelming nee d t ocontrol, depression , confusion , flightiness, the obsessio n t o use ,numbness, panic , and th e nee d t o run. W e wil l grasp whateve rdefense w e can t o surviv e slippin g int o th e bottomles s pi t o fshame." 22Unfortunately, thes e persona l defense s don't eradicat e th eshame o r hel p u s change shame-base d behaviors . An d that' swhen w e need th e Gospel .G!

LORD, PI.EAS E HEL P M E T O CHANG ESince shame stand s a s a fundamental barrier t o transforma -tion, i t captivated th e core o f Christ's missio n o n earth . Pau l tol dthe Hebrews : "Le t u s look onl y t o Jesus, th e One wh o began ou rfaith and wh o make s i t perfect. He suffere d death o n th e cross .But he accepted the shame as i f i t were nothing becaus e o f the joythat Go d pu t befor e him " (Hebrew s 12:2 , emphasis added) .When Jesu s bore th e punishment fo r sin, H e als o accepted th eshame. S o when w e la y our sin s at Hi s feet, we can abando n ou rshame there , too .When Chris t forgives , H e als o heals . An d th e healin g o fshame release s us t o change wha t bind s us , i f we replace hidin gwith persevering .'Think abou t Jesus' example, " Pau l continued. "H e held o nwhile wicked peopl e wer e doing evi l things t o him. S o do not ge ttired an d sto p trying " (12:3) . And d o no t hid e from th e joy H eplaces before you.mPERSONAL CHECKPOIN T1. What shame d o you hide within ?2. Ho w does this shame keep you from changing ?12SIsaiah foretold Christ's shame-bearing mission :Who would have believed what we heard ?Who saw the LORD'S power in this ?He grew up like a small plant before the LORD,like a root grouring in a dry land.He had no special beauty or form to make us noticehim;there was nothing in his appearance to make usdesire him.He was hated and rejected by people.

WHEN TH E INSID E SPILL S OU THe had much pain and suffering.People would not even look at him.He was hated, and we didn't even notice him.But he took our suffering on himand felt our pain for us.We saw his sufferingand thought God was punishing him.But he was wounded for the wrong we did;he was crushed for the evil we did.The punishment, which made us well, was given tohim,and we are healed because of his wounds.We all have wandered away like sheep;each of us has gone his own way.But the LORD has put on him the punishmentfor all the evil we have done.But it was the LORD who decidedto crush him and make him suffer.The LORD made his life a penalty offering,but he will still see his descendants and live a long life.He will complete the things the LORD wants him todo."After his soul suffers many things,he will see life and be satisfied.My good servant will make many people right uiithGod;he will carry away their sins. "—Isaiah 53:1-6, 10-11YOUR RESPONS E1. Ho w can yo u appl y your understanding o f God's forgiveness t oyour shame ?2. Ho w might yo u begi n t o heal your shame ?f>\1

WELCOME T O M YPITY PART YFeeling sorry for ourselves can delaypersonal change and destroy relationships.-Sf opene d th e gift and fel t dumbfounded."Thanks fo r th e stuffe d animal, " I finally said , turnin gover th e gra y donkey i n m y hands. 1 vaguely recognize d hi m a sEeyore from the Winnie-the-Pooh stories.Why in the world would she give this to me? I wondered afte r m yfriend left the office. A donkey'? Now really! I'm a grown woman.Still, whether o r no t m y friend intended it , I sensed tha tEeyore ha d arrive d t o deliver a message t o me . But what was it? Iset him asid e and continue d m y work, but I couldn't cas t of f th ecuriosity.Later when th e naggin g failed to subside, I bought a copy ofA. A. Milne's classi c book an d foun d Eeyor e i n chapter six , feelingsorry for himself.Eeyore, th e ol d gre y Donkey , stoo d b y the sid e o f th estream, and looke d a t himself i n the water ."Pathetic," he said . "That's what i t is. Pathetic. "He turne d an d walke d slowl y down th e strea m fo rtwenty yards , splashe d acros s it , and walke d slowl y

WHF.N TH E INSID E SPILL S OU Tback on th e othe r side . Then h e looke d a t himsel f i nthe water again ."As I thought," h e said . "N o better fro m this side .But nobody minds. Nobody cares. Pathetic , that's wha tit is. "There wa s a crackling nois e i n th e bracke n behin dhim, and ou t came Pooh ."Good morning , Eeyore, " said Pooh ."Good morning , Poo h Bear, " said Eeyor e gloomily ."If i t is a good morning, " h e said . "Whic h I doubt, "said he ."Why, what's the matter? ""Nothing, Poo h Bear , nothing . W e can't all , an dsome o f us don't. That's al l there i s to it ."Can't al l ivhatT' said Pooh, rubbing hi s nose ."Gaiety. Song-and-dance . Her e w e go roun d th emulberry bush." 23Eeyore continue d hi s lament an d finall y admitted tha tnobody ha d remembere d hi s birthday. To compensate, th e don -key threw a pit y part y b y himself. Poo h Bear , i n turn , trie d t omake th e donkey happy .The stor y struck a n uneas y chord .Lately, I had bee n feelin g sorry for myself . Well, more lik ewallowing i n self-pity . Lif e was tumbling an d I had bee n grum -bling throug h th e days , blaming myself , pointing ou t m y faults,and insistin g thing s couldn't possibl y get better. ( I had eve n com -plained tha t some friends had forgotte n m y birthday! )I had bee n a real Eeyore .The simpl e stor y convicted me . And onc e again , Go d use dan as s to speak t o a stubborn child . (Se e Balaa m an d hi s donke yin Numbers 22:21-34. )df-pity smacks wit h ugliness . It' s demanding an d self -obsessed. I t sap s ou r spiri t an d relationships . Bu t it' stempting, particularl y when deeply-roote d problem s don't wan tto budge .When there' s proo f tha t we'r e pathetic , it' s a ripe tim e t ogrovel abou t ourselves . Instead , Go d want s u s t o giv e thanks ."Always b e joyful. Pra y continually, an d giv e thank s whateve r

LORD, PLEAS E HEL P M E T O CHANG Ehappens. That i s what Go d want s for you i n Chris t Jesus. D o no thold bac k th e wor k o f th e Hol y Spirit, " say s 1 Thessalonians5:16-19.Give thanks ? Whe n we'v e got cellulit e thighs , a n untame dtemper, a people-pleasing problem , o r a drug addiction ? Whe nwe eat to o much , wor k to o hard , an d yel l a t th e kid s too man ytimes?Give thanks? That's what th e Scripture says . As usual, Go dasks us to respond contrar y to our inclinations . Fo r that's when w erelease Hi s power t o change u s attitudinally and experientially .It's hard t o comprehend. Bu t s o i s our insistenc e o n slog -ging throug h mudd y bog s whe n w e could danc e i n th e hig hplaces with God . Mayb e thi s simple sloga n ca n help : Don' t b e a nEeyore when yo u could b e a Pooh .1. Hav e yo u bee n a n optimis t o r a pessimist about your nee d t ochange?2. What' s a t th e roo t o f your self-pity ?Paul talk s about th e attitudes of believers :Be full of joy in the Lord always. I will say again, be full of joy.Let everyone see that you are gentle and kind. The Lord is comingsoon. Do not worry about anything, but pray and ask God for everythingyou need, always giving thanks. And God's peace, which is so great wecannot understand it, will keep your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.Brothers and sisters, think about the things that are good and worthyof praise. Think about the things that are true and honorable andright and pure and beautiful and respected. Do what you learned andreceived from me, what I told you, and what you saw me do. And the Godwho gives peace will be with you.6'6

WHEN TH E INSID E SPILL S OU TLive in peace with each other. We ask you, brothers and sisters, towarn those who do not work. Encourage the people who are afraid. Helpthose who are weak. Be patient with everyone. Be sure that no one paysback wrong for wrong, but always try to do what is good for each otherand for all people.Always be joyful. Pray continually, and give thanks whatever happens.That is what God wants for you in Christ Jesus.Do not hold back the work of the Holy Spirit. Do not treat prophecyas if it were unimportant. But test everything. Keep what is good, and stayaway from everything that is evil.Now may God himself, the God of peace, make you pure, belongingonly to him. May your whole self—spirit, soul, and body—be kept safeand without fault when our Lord Jesus Christ comes. You can trust theOne who calls you to do that for you.—Philippians 4:4-9; 1 Thessalonians 5:13b-24YOUR RESPONS E1. Ho w do you feel about thankin g Go d for everything ?2. Ho w could yo u begin ?67

MEMORIES O FPANDORAIt's difficult to change withoutlooking deep inside ourselves.) M ree k mythology , i n a n effor t to describe ho w evi l entere dthe world, blamed women fo r it. Although the y told sever -al accounts o f creation, th e Gree k storyteller s agreed o n thes epoints: Me n happil y roamed th e earth lon g before women entere dit, and female s instigated al l of the unhappiness in this world.One stor y said that the father of gods, Zeus , in anger towar dthe go d Prometheu s wh o care d mor e abou t human s tha n th egods, created a great evi l toward men . Sh e looked swee t and love -ly and becaus e o f her grea t beauty , th e gods gav e her costl y gifts.They called her Pandora , which mean t "th e gift of all." Accordingto one historian , th e Greek s sai d tha t "fro m her, th e firs t woman,comes th e rac e o f women, wh o are evi l t o men, wit h a nature t odo evil. " 24Another stor y claimed tha t Pandora' s curiosity , not he r evi lnature, create d misfortune . The god s presented he r wit h a box ,but tol d her no t t o open it . She didn't kno w the y each ha d place dsomething harmfu l in th e container. S o eventually, she gave i n t oher curiosit y and opened it .6'S

WHF.N TH E INSID E SPILL S OU TOut flew sickness , sorrow , and othe r misfortunes . Too late ,Pandora trie d shuttin g th e lid . Bu t fortunately, one compassion -ate go d ha d place d hop e i n th e box . An d hop e remain shumanity's comfort while suffering.yj/ow I adhere t o the scriptural account o f creation: I don'tv-y r believ e th e Greek myths . They're merel y a civilization' screative thoug h misguide d wa y of explaining lif e and it s myster -ies. Bu t as someone who's working t o alter personal behavior , I'v ethought abou t Pandora' s box—an d ho w it' s a metaphor fo r th echange process .As a young gir l i n Englis h clas s I read abou t Pandora' s box .Even the n I sensed tha t whe n w e open u p on e proble m area ,there's mor e hidin g beneat h th e surface . And tha t we'r e bot hcurious an d terrifie d t o kno w what' s insid e certai n "boxes " i nlife.So memorie s o f Pandor a floode d bac k whe n I starte dopening u p t o change . Liftin g th e li d o n lo w self-estee munleashed a host o f other problems , eac h terribl y and painfull yconnected t o th e other . M y crummy self-imag e relate d t o m ydrive t o perform , th e wa y I spent money , a need t o control ,how muc h I ate, and . . . th e lis t get s to o humiliatin g t o enu -merate. I felt th e evi l withi n an d wishe d 1 had neve r peeke dinside.Discovering tha t a "Pandora's bo x effect " was normal an dessential t o tru e chang e helpe d m e t o understand th e process ,but i t didn't abolis h th e pain . Change require s tha t w e open ou rinner selve s and dea l wit h what' s belo w th e surface—an d tha thurts. Bu t strangely and gratefully , hope mingle s with hurt ."Although a n insid e loo k ca n b e overwhelmin g (an dindeed mus t b e i f the core directio n o f our lif e is to reall y shift),still ther e mus t b e mor e t o i t than a journey int o darkness, "wrote psychologis t Dr . Larr y Crab b i n hi s book Inside Out. H econtinued: "W e are childre n o f light . Eve n i n th e mids t o f dark -ness, w e kno w where we'r e headed . W e hav e a lamp tha t alway sreveals th e nex t ste p an d a hope tha t keep s u s movin g eve nwhen th e lam p seem s t o go out." 2 5We can clin g t o and rel y o n tha t hop e a s we battle what' swithin. Fo r where ther e i s hope, ther e ca n b e healing .6.9

LORD, PLEAS E HE L P ME T O CHANG EmPERSONAL CHECKPOIN T1. Ho w do you fee l about lookin g inside yourself t o change ?2. What , specifically , do you fear might b e lurkin g inside ?A prayer for God's mercy :GOD'S VIEWPOIN TLORD, I am in great trouble,so I call out to you.LORD, hear my voice;listen to my prayer for help.LORD, if you punished people for all their sins,no one would be left, Lord.But you forgive us,so you are respected.I wait for the LORD to help me,and I trust his word.1 wait for the Lord to help memore than night watchmen wait for the dawn,more than night watchmen wait for the dawn.People of Israel, put your hope in the LORDbecause he is lovingand able to save.He will save Israelfrom all their sins.—Psalm 130.70

WHEN TH E INSID E SPILL S OU T1. Doe s hope mingl e with your hurt ?2. Ho w can yo u cultivate hope a s you loo k within yourself ?7/

TUMBLINGSurviving the ups and doums of transition0 ma /1 / ^er how crazy or self-defeating our current/ y behavior appears to be, it exists for a reason and mayserve a positive and protective function for ourselvesor others. If we want to change, it is important to do so slowlyso that we have the opportunity to observe and test out theimpact of one small but significant change. . . . If we getambitious and try to change too much too fast, we may notchange at all. Instead, we may stir up so much anxiety andemotional intensity within ourselves and others as to eventuallyreinstate old patterns and behaviors. Or we may end uphastily cutting off from an important relationship, which is26not necessarily a good solution.Harriet Goldhor Lerner ,The Dance of Anger7.S

LORD, PI.EAS E HEL P M E T O CHANG Eortysomething an d single , Barbar a skillfull y manage dpeople a t th e office . She wa s efficient, articulate, well -respected. Well , a t leas t wit h he r work . Barbara' s relationshi pwith her mother painte d anothe r picture .When Mo m calle d he r a t th e office , Barbara sounde d lik e atwelve-year-old girl , agreeing t o every demand Mam a made .Leaving work eac h day , i t got worse . Barbar a stil l live d wit hher mother , a longtime wido w and hypochondriac , and sh e waitedon he r mom's needs almost constantly . A behind-the-back joke a tthe offic e claimed Barbar a an d Mam a woul d sta y roomies unti l"death do the m part. "Not oblivious to the joke, Barbar a eventually took a lease o na condo b y herself. Sh e wanted t o change he r relationshi p wit hMom.However, th e wee k Barbar a move d in , her mother' s phon ecalls increased. Soo n Barbar a ha d mor e responsibilitie s fo r he rmother tha n before . She ra n errands , cooke d meals , even staye dovernight whe n Mo m fel t il l or lonely . Eventually , Barbar a spen tso much tim e wit h he r mothe r tha t sh e decide d t o move bac khome."God want s m e t o car e fo r m y family," she explaine d t ofriends. "I f I leave Mother, I' m showin g a lack of honor. "People a t wor k though t tha t Barbar a lacke d self-respect ,and the y noted he r depression .It's understandabl e tha t Barbar a fel t depressed. Sh e ha dfailed t o surviv e a difficult transition, an d consequently , he r rela -tionship wit h Mo m neve r changed .ien w e se t about t o change ourselve s o r a situation, th eransition seldo m run s smoothly . We'r e explorin g ne wterritory, tryin g on ne w behaviors , shakin g up well-ingrained pat -terns an d makin g change s tha t othe r peopl e migh t no tappreciate. Survivin g th e up s and down s o f the transitio n ca n b etough—and ca n las t what feels like forever.That's when w e gain patience ."My brothers and sisters , when yo u hav e many kinds o f trou -bles, yo u shoul d b e ful l o f joy, becaus e yo u kno w tha t thes etroubles tes t your faith , and thi s wil l giv e you patience, " wrot eJames t o early Christians .12S

STUMBLING TOWAR D FREEDO MHe continued : "Le t your patienc e sho w itsel f perfectl y i nwhat you do. Then yo u will be perfect and complet e an d wil l hav eeverything you need . Bu t i f any o f you need s wisdom, yo u shoul dask God fo r it . He i s generous and enjoy s giving t o al l people, s ohe wil l give you wisdom" (Jame s 1:2-5) .When w e face the trial s of transition , Go d ca n gran t u s th ewisdom an d patienc e t o hang on . W e can conside r the m a bless -ing because patienc e ca n lea d t o a remarkable, healin g chang ethat's worth th e wait .®PERSONAL CHECKPOIN TIn Par t Four, you'll encounter th e ups and down s of transition .1. Ho w are you surviving the difficultie s of transition ?2. Wha t tempts you t o give up on changing ?3. Ho w can you consider th e trial s of changing a joy?75

DON'T JUST SA Y I TConfessing sin isn ¥ enough.God asks us to repent and change.y f / he n Rosalie' s famil y sits down fo r an evenin g meal , a nextravaganza begins. She spares no expense buyin g exot -ic food o r cookin g utensil s t o showcas e he r son' s culinar yabilities.Of course , Rosali e spare s n o expens e fo r anything. Sh esports designer clothe s for herself, a state-of-the art computer fo rher daughter, a n airplane for her husband , and whateve r els e sh efeels lik e chargin g t o numerous credi t card s an d checkin gaccounts.An airplane ? Well , mayb e fo r a wealthy person's shoppin glist. Bu t Rosali e isn' t rich . Sh e just spend s lot s of money , write srubber checks , and neve r pay s the bills . But somehow, sh e alway smanages t o obtain mor e credit , more money, more things .When he r husband' s paychec k advance isn' t enough (an d i tnever is) , Rosali e alters the amount an d cashe s i t at the bank. Sh eempties her son' s savings . When credi t card s hi t thei r maximu mlimits, sh e report s the m a s stolen s o she doesn't hav e t o pa y th ebills. When sh e want s eve n mor e spendin g power , sh e fake s he rway into an enormous bank loan .6'S

STUMBLING TOWAR D FREEDO MRosalie maneuvers with suc h aplomb , sh e neve r gets caugh tor pay s for he r transgressions . Sh e recognize s he r sins , though .Rosalie regularl y visit s her town' s tin y Catholic church . Sh e con -fesses her activitie s t o th e priest , ask s for absolution, receive s hi sforgiveness, and trot s out t o exorbitantly spend mone y again ."Catholicism is- a wonderful religion," she tell s a house gues tone evening . "Yo u admit your sins and they'r e no t sin s anymore. "Rosalie's crowning performance begins when, from her officeat home, sh e cracks the computers a t her daughter's workplace .First, Rosalie only alters the amount o f her daughter's paycheck, bu tthen sh e pirates money from the company's accounts .All th e while , sh e keep s confessin g t o th e pries t who , b ynow, comes unglued. The pries t listen s t o her outrageou s admis -sions, but becaus e o f th e confessional booth' s confidentiality , h ecan't tel l anyone or turn Rosali e in t o the authorities ."It's not enoug h t o confess everything," th e pries t warn sRosalie. "Yo u have t o be sorry . Truly sorry." She doesn't follo w hisadvice.Finally, when Rosali e tell s the pries t she's starting a multina -tional busines s t o help peopl e "bea t the system " the wa y she does ,he bang s hi s head agains t a wall and question s Go d afte r sh eleaves.Sound unbelievable ?It is . Rosali e live s in th e film, Rosalie Goes Shopping. Amon gother lessons , th e movi e point s t o th e futilit y of a "faith " tha tdoesn't transfor m u s personally .I regard t o confession, Rosali e go t one thin g right . Sh eidmitted he r sin s daily—and there' s biblica l precedenc efor talking to God tha t often.In Psal m 5:3 , Davi d tol d th e Lord , "Ever y morning yo u hea rmy voice. Ever y morning, I tell yo u wha t I need, an d I wait fo ryour answer. " Davi d interacte d wit h Go d daily , making request sand listenin g for responses. However , he kne w tha t i f sin dwel t i nhis heart, th e Lor d woul d no t hea r him , s o confession figuredinto thos e conversations, to o (Psal m 66:18) .Still, that wasn't enough t o please God .Again i n Psal m 5 , Davi d wrote : "Yo u are no t a God wh o i spleased wit h th e wicked ; yo u d o no t liv e with thos e who do evil .You destroy liars ; th e LOR D hate s those who kil l and tric k others "77

LORD, PLEAS E HE L P ME T O CHANG E(5:4, 6) . And that' s wher e Rosalie' s confession s turned worth -less. I n th e end , sh e didn' t chang e because , i n th e beginning ,she didn' t inten d to . Sh e use d confessio n t o placat e he r con -science rathe r tha n t o repent o f her sins .When we'r e working towar d persona l change , w e can totte rbetween feelin g guilty about ou r sin s and actuall y repenting o fthem. It' s the latte r tha t make s th e differenc e to God an d deter -mines whether w e truly change .Instead o f merely feelin g regretful, repentance require sthat we turn aroun d an d wal k i n a different direction, awa y fromthe si n that binds us . It doesn't mea n w e won't los e balance whil eturning an d redirectin g ourselves . O r tha t w e won't stumbl ealong th e ne w path. I t means that , with our wil l and God' s super -natural power , we intend t o stop doing evi l and t o please God .mPERSONAL CHECKPOIN T1. I n th e past , hav e yo u confesse d you r si n t o eas e you r con -science or t o repent and change ?2. Afte r you confes s sin , wha t keep s yo u fro m forsakin g tha t si nand changing ?James explains the relationship o f faith and behavior :Faith that is alone—that does nothing—is dead.Someone might say, "You have faith, but I have deeds. " Show meyour faith without doing anything, and 1 will show you my faith by whatI do. You believe there is one God. Good! But the demons believe that, too,and they tremble with fear.You foolish person! Must you be shown that faith that does nothingis worth nothing? Abraham, our ancestor, was made right with God bywhat he did when he offered his son Isaac on the altar. So you see thatAbraham's faith and the things he did worked together. His faith wasmade perfect by what he did. This shows the full meaning of the Scripture.78

STUMBLING TOWAR D FREEDO Mthat says: "Abraham believed God, and God accepted Abraham's faith,and that faith made him right with God. "And Abraham was called God'sfriend. So you see that people are made right with God by what they do, notby faith only.Another example is Rahab, a prostitute, who was made right withGod by something she did. She welcomed the spies into her home andhelped them escape by a different road.Just as a person's body that does not have a spirit is dead, so faiththat does nothing is dead!—James 2:17b-26YOUR RESPONS E1. I f faith tha t doe s nothing i s dead, ho w aliv e i s your fait h righ tnow?2. I n regar d t o change, ho w can yo u expres s your fait h b y you rbehavior?7.9

a •fON TH E HABIT O FChange is difficult enough, so don7imagine things worse than they are.J M es , w e went t o schoo l i n th e sea , thoug h yo u mayn' tbelieve it— ""I never sai d I didn't!" interrupted Alice ."You did," said th e Moc k Turtle ."Hold you r tongue! " adde d th e Gryphon , befor e Alic ecould spea k again. The Moc k Turtle went on ."We had th e bes t o f educations—in fact , we went t o schoo levery day— ""I've been t o a day-school, too, " said Alice . "Yo u needn't b eso proud a s all that. ""What extras?" asked th e Moc k Turtle, a little anxiously ."Yes," said Alice, "w e learned Frenc h an d music. ""And washing?" said the Moc k Turtle ."Certainly not!" said Alice indignantly ."Ah! Then your s wasn't a really good school, " said the Moc kTurtle, i n a tone of great relief . "Now, at ours, they had, at the en dof the bill , 'French, music , and washing —extra.'""You couldn't hav e wanted i t much," sai d Alice , "livin g a tthe bottom o f the sea. "SO'

STUMBLING TOWAR D FREEDO M"I couldn't affor d to learn it, " said th e Moc k Turtle wit h asigh. " I only took the regular course. ""What was that?" enquired Alice ."Reeling and Writhing , o f course, t o begin with, " the Moc kTurtle replied , "an d the n th e differen t branches o f Arithmetic —Ambition, Distraction , Uglification , and Derision. ""I never hear d o f 'Uglification,' " Alice ventured t o say ."What i s it?"The Gyphro n lifte d up bot h it s paws i n surprise . "Neve rheard o f uglifying!" it exclaimed. "Yo u know what t o beautify is, Isuppose?""Yes," said Alic e doubtfully , "i t means—to—make—any -thing—prettier.""Well, then," the Grypho n wen t on, "i f you don't kno w wha tto uglify is, you are a simpleton." 2 7CJj/l/ ne n Alic e fel l into Wonderland, sh e entered a world o f/ 7 / fantas y and confusion . And evidently , a place where resi -dents considered "uglification " an essentia l fo r living.Alice neve r receive d th e answe r t o her questio n abou t th emeaning o f uglification. Bu t t o continue th e Gryphon's parallel ,"to uglify " most likel y means "t o make thing s uglier. " And I suspecttha t man y o f us, as it relates to ourselves, practice uglificatio nregularly.We're especiall y susceptibl e t o uglification whe n we'r e try -ing t o change. Afte r we uncover a need t o alter our behavior , w efocus on what' s wrong with ourselve s t o th e poin t o f distraction .Under a magnifying glass of scrutiny, w e grow horrified with ou rundesirable features .Uglifiers turn uncomfortabl e circumstances int o untenabl esituations. Whe n confronte d wit h thei r nee d t o change, the yclaim, " I can't believ e I have thi s problem. .. . I don't d o any -thing right. . . . I' m a horrible person! "It's tru e that , t o change, w e need t o face the trut h abou tourselves. (B y now i n thi s book, I'v e made tha t clear! ) Bu t there' sa balance between acceptin g th e truth an d bludgeonin g ourselve swith it . Anything that' s beaten u p get s ugly , and i f we constantl yharangue abou t what' s wrong wit h us , we'll deepe n instea d o fheal ou r problems . Eventually , w e can tur n int o th e unmanage -able woma n who m w e describe. It' s a n inevitabl e self-fulfillingprophecy, i f not i n reality , at least i n our minds .81

LORD, PI.EAS E HEL P M E T O CHANG E12SConsequently, i n ou r mind' s eye , w e need t o wres t th esledgehammer fro m our hand s and replac e i t with a two-wa y mir -ror. On on e side , w e view ourselves a s sinners i n desperate nee dof grace; o n th e othe r side , w e ca n choos e t o se e ourselve sthrough th e eye s of God's acceptance , compassion , an d forgive -ness. And wit h Hi s viewpoint, w e can respec t ourselve s enough t ochange.Amazing grace! how sweet the sound that saved a urretch like me! Ionce was lost, but now am found—was blind, Imt now I see. 28•PERSONAL CHECKPOIN T1. Hav e you "uglified " your need t o change? I f so, how ?2. I n your heart, hav e you grasped God' s viewpoint o f you?Paul describes God's lov e for us:GOD'S VIEWPOIN THe [Christ] is the One who created everything. His purpose was thatthrough the church all the rulers and powers in the heavenly world willnow know God's wisdom, which has so many forms. This agrees urith thepurpose God had since the beginning of time, and he carried out his planthrough Christ Jesus our Lord. In Christ we can come before God with freedomand without fear. We can do this through faith in Christ. So I askyou not to become discouraged. . . .I ask the Father in his great glory to give you the pouier to be stronginwardly through his Spirit. I pray that Christ will live in your hearts byfaith and that your life will be strong in love and be Iniilt on love. And 1pray that you and all God's holy people will have the power to understandthe greatness of Christ's love—how aide and how long and how high andhoiv deep that love is. Christ's love is greater than anyone can ever know,hit I pray that you will be able to know that love. Then you can be filledwith the fullness of God.With God's power working in us, God can do much, much more

STUMBLING TOWAR D FREEDO Mthan anything we can ask or imagine. To him be glory in the church andin Christ Jesus for all time, forever and ever.—Ephesians 3:9b-13a, 16-21YOUR RESPONS E1. I n your mind' s eye , ho w wide, long , high , an d dee p i s God' slove for you?2. Whe n you're tempte d t o "uglify " yourself, how can you counte rthe accusations with God's love ?83

a"f48IQMEBQOY PLEAS EHELP ME !God wants us to cry for helpwhen we're overcome by ourselves./^JLs utho r Andrew Morto n confirme d to the world tha t royal -ty isn't wha t it' s cracked u p t o be . Hi s book abou tPrincess Dian a o f England shattere d th e fairy-tal e image o f he rmarriage t o Prince Charles .According t o Morton , earl y i n thei r marriag e Dian a gre woverwhelmed wit h th e circumstance s o f he r life : Three month spregnant wit h William , sh e suffered from morning sickness ; sh ediscovered tha t Charle s nurture d a relationship wit h anothe rwoman; th e constan t medi a scrutin y exhauste d her ; th e roya lfamily's stilted lifestyl e and socia l responsibilitie s intimidated an dfrustrated her . An d unti l th e pregnancy , sh e ha d suffere d fromfrequent attack s o f bulimia, a symptom o f her trouble d growing -up years .Diana begge d Charle s t o end hi s indifference towar d he rturmoil and t o help .After her first Christma s wit h th e roya l family , angry voice sand sobbin g emitted fro m the room s occupied b y the Princ e an dPrincess o f Wales . Dian a pleade d wit h th e princ e fo r assistanc e8b

STUMBLING TOWAR D FREEDO Mand the n threatene d t o tak e her life . He accuse d he r o f bluffingand prepare d t o ride hi s horse on th e roya l estate .Troubled an d determined , Dian a promptl y hurle d hersel fdown a long wooden staircase , endangering th e lif e of their child .Charles, afte r discovering sh e an d th e bab y survive d withou tharm, went riding .Several suicid e incident s followed . Dian a thre w hersel fagainst a glass display cabinet. Sh e slashe d he r wrist s with a razo rblade. Sh e cu t hersel f wit h th e serrate d edg e o f a lemon slicer .During a n argumen t wit h Charles , she picke d u p a penknife an dcut her ches t and thighs .Charles thought Dian a faked her problems ."They wer e desperat e crie s fo r help, " Dian a late r tol dfriends. These friend s say that, fo r more tha n a decade o f mar -riage, Charles has consistently ignored Diana' s pleas. 29(^yVy/hether o r no t we believe al l of Morton's claims—or othe rVy storie s written abou t th e decaye d roya l marriage—it sad -dens m e t o thin k o f anyon e pleadin g fo r hel p an d crashin gagainst denial or indifference.It happens more often than w e might think .One winter , m y friend Caroly n embarke d o n a vacation t oHawaii wit h he r extende d family . Famil y member s ha d save dmoney an d looke d forwar d t o thi s trip, s o above all , they wante dto enjoy it.About tw o day s int o th e vacation , though , Caroly n fel tengulfed b y deep, emotiona l pain . Livin g with he r famil y again ,years o f unresolve d hur t an d sham e surface d towar d the m an dturned he r into a sobbing heap ."I felt shocked an d humiliated , t o sa y the least, " she tol d me ."I had n o ide a the hurt wa s there, tha t i t would surface , and tha t Icouldn't contro l it . That wa s the worst part—that I couldn't pus h i tback inside of me. I thought I was ruining everybody's big vacation."Her famil y did, too . After Carolyn explaine d th e sobbing t oher mo m an d sister , the y backed off . For th e res t of the week, th efamily left Carolyn alon e i n th e cabin , crying , while the y took da ytrips. Nobody else asked about he r sorrow .When w e feel desperate i n our nee d t o change, w e can tur nmanic i n ou r crie s for help. This urgent nee d fo r help ca n occu r85

LORD, PLEAS E HE L P ME T O CHANG Eany tim e during th e chang e process : when w e begin t o change ,after we've trie d an d failed , or when w e need enduranc e fo r th elong, las t haul. An d it s desperation ca n shock , confuse , an dhumiliate ourselve s and thos e around us .Unfortunately, we don't alway s receive hel p from th e peo -ple who could touc h u s most deeply .It's tempting t o shut dow n an d tur n inwar d fro m thi s rejec -tion, but it' s crucial tha t we do not . When w e cry for help, we'r enear a turning poin t tha t coul d eventuall y hea l us . I f we don' tkeep movin g forward , we could fal l deeper int o ou r destructiv ebehaviors.So when we'r e rejecte d b y those wh o won't listen , w e ca nremember tha t somewhere—in a home, i n a church, i n a psychol -ogist's office—there are peopl e wh o wil l hear u s and respond .And w e need t o keep crying out unti l we find them .It takes courage: th e kin d tha t state s our need s without hys -terically slashing our wrists .We can find tha t courage i n God, who wants us to cry out t oHim, da y or night , and a s often a s we need to . H e neve r tire s o flistening t o us , of helping us , of creating miracle s tha t hea l ou rhearts and change us .When other s rejec t us , the Lor d linger s on. Hi s Spirit wil lnever leav e or forsake us , until th e da y we meet Hi m face-to-fac ein heaven , cryin g wit h joy .EHPERSONAL CHECKPOIN T1. Ha s anyone rejecte d you r crie s for help? I f so, ho w did yo ufeel?2. Whe n you'r e rejected , what are you tempted t o do?David cries out t o God for help :GOD'S VIEWPOIN T.86

STUMBLING TOWAR D FREEDO MI cry out to the LORD;I pray to the LORD for mercy.I pour out my problems to him;I tell him my troubles.When I am afraid,you, LORD, know the way out.In the path where I walk,a trap is hidden for me.Look around me and see.No one cares about me.I have no place of safety;no one cares if I live.LORD, I cry out to you.I say, "You are my protection.You are all I want in this life. "Listen to my cry,because I am helpless.Save me from those who are chasing me,because they are too strong for me.Free me from my prison,and then I will praise your name.Then good people will surround me,because you have taken care of me.—Psalm 142YOUR RESPONS E1. Ho w can yo u lear n t o cry out t o God wit h your pain ?2. Ho w do you want Hi m t o respond ?87

Two STEP S>TEPS BACKSetbacks can strengthenour motivation to change.have probabl y rea d House and Garden and MetropolitanHome fo r to o long , s o mayb e m y expectations hav egrown to o big . Bu t thi s summer, I created ambitiou s plan s fo rremodeling th e yard and pushe d mysel f toward them .When I moved int o thi s house a year ago, i t reminded m e o fa cros s between a jungle an d a desert. Whil e weeds and spindl yperennials strangle d th e yard's outer edges , parche d an d barre nbrown spot s fdled th e lawn . I n th e trues t sens e o f th e words , th eyard qualifie d a s a natural disaster . I knew i t would tak e work t orestore th e propert y t o it s original beauty , and a friend suggeste dthat I get help .Except fo r one rototillin g an d tree-pullin g Saturda y i nMarch, I ignored th e suggestion .In he r boo k Green Thoughts, th e writer/gardener Eleano rPerenyi ha d tol d me : "Well-traine d gardener s who lik e their wor kmust liv e [somewhere ] i n America, bu t no t around her e an d no tin m y price range . Whe n I look bac k o n th e lon g processio n o f. . . eccentrics, young an d old , foreign an d domestic , wh o hav e88'

STUMBLING TOWAR D FREEDO Mworked fo r me, I wonder ho w I and th e garden hav e survive dtheir ministrations." 3 0She the n describe d numerou s hire d worker s wh o ha dregressed or ruined he r gardens .None o f that for me. I decided t o shoulder th e work myself ,despite a weak bac k an d a book deadline . I pulled u p weeds ,hacked bac k vines , transplante d grass , du g ou t flowerbeds ,hauled aroun d compost , erected a small greenhouse, inse t ston eedgings and paths , haunted th e nurseries , planted a few hundredflowers, initiate d a n her b garden , poure d ou t re d bark , smelle dup m y car with sheep manure, conducted a mulch marathon , an dset out planted terra-cott a pots and windo w boxes .The potentia l beaut y motivate d me , bu t s o di d tw oapproaching events . I had accepte d a n invitatio n t o speak a t awriter's conference i n mi d June an d wante d t o complete th e yar dwork b y that time . Then th e flower s could gro w lus h fo r a futurebusiness commitment, a backyard barbecue i n July.I finished th e yard. I attended th e conference . And while Iwas gone, a hailstorm shredde d m y gardens. Wit h nar y a blosso min sight—an d plent y o f debris i n th e yard—the setbac k fel t lik estarting al l over again. With a compassionate frien d and a n attac kof the blues, I spent a day cleaning up th e yard .Ironically, th e barbecue tha t had pushe d m e t o finish plant -ing got canceled. Al l tha t work, al l tha t stress , for a devastate dyard wit h nothin g t o sho w off. It felt a s though I had take n tw osteps forward, only to fall forty steps back .(/t's Septembe r now , and lookin g out m y home's offic e win-K^y dow , it' s hard t o imagine wh y I felt upset. I n th e gardens ,flowers bend wit h blossom s and herb s escap e th e boundarie s o ftheir bed. Wit h food , water, and som e pruning, natur e recovere dfrom itself .In additio n t o th e hail , th e yard als o survived severa l bout swith bugs , to o muc h rain , no t enoug h sun , an d to o man y chill ynights. The garden's resilienc y amazes me .Thinking abou t th e yard's comeback, I remind mysel f tha tpersonal chang e experience s setbacks , too . I n th e garden an d i nlife, nothing grows in a straight line . Bu t we can trai n and nurtur ethe unwield y growth—an d confron t th e bugs , drought , an d8.9

LORD, PLEAS E HE L P ME T O CHANG Estorms tha t rai l agains t it—unti l someday , wit h lusciou s curve sand color , i t rebounds and blooms .Accordingly, w e can vie w personal setback s a s temporar ychallenges rathe r tha n permanen t defeats . Even when winte r set -tles in , there' s alway s the promis e o f sprin g growth , i f we'r ewilling t o cultivate again . Infuse d b y the Hol y Spirit , th e huma nsoul can sta y amazingly resilient .So whatever th e mistake , whatever th e fallin g back int o sin ,we can depen d o n Go d t o forgive u s and hel p u s restart . W eneedn't giv e up our hope t o change .He ha s promised: " I will make u p t o you fo r the year s tha tthe swarmin g locus t ha s eaten . . . an d yo u shal l hav e plent y t oeat and b e satisfied , and prais e th e name o f the LOR D you r God ,who ha s dealt wondrously wit h you ; then M y people wil l never b eput t o shame" (Joe l 2:25-26 ; NASB) .After a summer o f killing bugs, I can attes t to the profundityof that promise .1. Wha t ha s se t you bac k fro m changing ?2. Ho w did thi s setback happen ?God's free offer of mercy to us :The LORD says, "All you who are thirsty,come and drink.Those of you who do not have money,come, buy and eat!Come buy wine and milkwithout money and without cost.Why spend your money on something that is not realfood?Why work for something that doesn't really satisfyyou?.90

STUMBLING TOWAR D FREEDO MListen closely to ms, and you will eat what is good;your soul will enjoy the rich food that satisfies.Come to me and listen;listen to me so you may live.I will make an agreement unth you that zirill lastforever.I will give you the blessings I promised to David. "So you should look for the LORD before it is too late;you should call to him while he is near.The wicked should stop doing wrong,and they should stop their evil thoughts.They should return to the LORD so hemay have mercy on them.They should come to our God, becausehe will freely forgive them."So you will go out with joyand be led out in peace.The mountains and hills will burst into song beforeyou,and all the tress in the fields will clap their hands.Large cypress trees will grow where thorn bushes were.Myrtle trees will grow where weeds were.These things will be a reminder of the LORD'S promise,and this reminder will never be destroyed. "—Isaiah 55:1-3, 6-7 , 12-13YOUR RESPONS E1. Ho w can yo u recove r from a setback ?2. Ho w can yo u begi n agai n t o change ?

FHEOF'SI:"SI;Too much information without experiencestagnates our ability to change.my ee t Becky . She's heir t o a difficult childhood an d plent yIP t o work throug h a s an adult . Peopl e wh o kno w Beck ycan't hel p bu t admire her willingnes s t o honesdy evaluat e hersel fand t o face personal problems .Becky visits a counselor regularly . She's an avi d reader an dserves as a walking encyclopedia o n persona l addiction s an d dys -functions. With thi s knowledge, sh e frequently counsels friendswho struggl e wit h themselve s an d wan t t o change. The y loo k t oBecky for comfort and wisdom .Like many of us, though, Beck y suffers from a fatal flaw. Sheknows what's wrong wit h herself , inside an d out . Bu t sh e neve rchanges. She's stuck i n the paralysi s of analysis .sounds strange, bu t it' s possible t o amass s o much infor -K^y matio n tha t i t stifle s our abilit y t o change. W e los e ou rspontaneity, ou r capabilit y t o decide, ou r willingness t o risk , ou rdesire t o wade int o th e depths wit h God . Too muc h informatio n92'

STUMBLING TOWAR D FREEDO Mand self-evaluatio n ca n blin d ou r faith—an d it' s fait h tha tunleashes God's supernatural powe r t o change us .The practica l theologia n A.W . Tozer wrot e abou t th e nee dto add fait h to our knowledge :There i s knowledge beyon d an d abov e tha t furnishe dby observation; i t i s knowledge receive d b y faith. . . .Divine reveladon throug h th e inspired Scripture s offersdata whic h li e altogether outsid e o f and abov e th epower of the mind t o discover .The min d ca n mak e it s deductions afte r i t ha sreceived thes e data b y faith, but i t cannot find the m b yitself. ... I f we ever come to know these things it mustbe b y receiving a s true a body o f doctrine whic h w ehave no wa y of verifying. This is the knowledge o f faith.There i s yet a purer knowledg e tha n this ; i t i sknowledge b y direct spiritua l experience . Abou t i tthere i s an immediac y tha t place s i t beyond doubt .Since i t was not acquired b y reason operatin g on intel -lectual data , th e possibilit y o f error i s eliminated .Through th e indwellin g Spiri t th e huma n spiri t i sbrought int o immediat e contac t wit h highe r spiritua lreality. I t look s upon, tastes , feels and see s the power sof th e worl d t o come an d ha s a conscious encounte rwith God invisible .Let i t be understood tha t suc h knowledg e i s experiencedrathe r tha n acquired . [ A person] know s God i nthe las t irreducible meanin g o f the word know. I t ma yalmost be said that God happened to him. 31Tozer aptl y coined it . Unless w e let God "happe n t o us," wecan't trul y know Him. And withou t experiencin g Him , we'll mis sout on deep, persona l change .But how do w e let God happen t o us ?Author Kare n Burto n Main s explained tha t when man y peo -ple as k thi s question, the y "don' t particularl y wan t a sincer eanswer; the y want som e sor t o f intellectua l hocus-pocus , som ekind o f theorizing tha t sounds mystica l and otherworldly ."So the mos t offensiv e answer t o give these people is : 'Rea dyour Bibl e and pray , and as k fo r the Hol y Spiri t t o teac h you '93

LORD, PLEAS E HE L P ME T O CHANG E. . . I n thei r hearts , the y alread y kno w what t o do. . . . I t i soften simply doing the thing s we already know to do." 32James tol d th e earl y Christians , "Com e nea r t o God, an dGod wil l come nea r t o you" (Jame s 4:8) . When w e consistentl yand persistentl y draw close to God, He happens t o us. Contrary t opopular belief , a life-changing relationshi p require s tha t w espend bot h quality and quantity o f time with th e other person . It' salso true with God .I know i t sounds simple , bu t thin k abou t it : I f we spent a smuch o r mor e tim e with God , askin g Hi m t o change us , a s we d owith ou r book s an d suppor t group s abou t change , a miracl ecould happen .God migh t actually change us .I'm no t advocatin g tha t we abandon books , counselors, an dsupport groups but that we avoid substituting them for God and Hi ssupernatural power . When w e sit with God, we soak in His characterand gather u p th e fait h t o leap int o Hi s mystical resources . W ebegin t o believ e an d trus t tha t H e ca n chang e us , rather tha ndepending o n mer e mortals . We know Him wel l enough t o ask forthe miraculous .When w e draw clos e t o God, w e eventually begi n t o experi -ence rather tha n just accumulate knowledge . And we're graduall yset free from the paralysi s of analysis .1. Ar e you caught i n the paralysi s of analysis ?2. D o you experientially believ e i n God' s supernatura l powe r t ochange you ?GOD'S VIEWPOIN TAbout drawin g near t o God :God's word is alive and working and is sharper than a double-edgedsword. It cuts all the way into us, where the soul and the spirit are joined,.94

STUMBLING TOWAR D FREEDO Mto the center of our joints and bones. And it judges the thoughts and feelingsin our hearts. Nothing in all the world can be hidden from God.Everything is clear and lies open before him, and to him we must explainthe way we have lived.Since we have a great high priest, Jesus the Son of God, who hasgone into heaven, let us hold on to the faith we have. For our high priest isable to understand our weaknesses. When he lived on earth, he was temptedin every way that we are, but he did not sin. Let us, then, feel very surethat we can come before God's throne where there is grace. There we canreceive mercy and grace to help us when we need it.—Hebrews 4:12-16So give yourselves completely to God. Stand against the devil, and thedevil will run from you. Come near to God, and God will come near toyou.—James 4:7-8a1. Wha t keeps you from drawing close to God ?2. Ho w can yo u draw near t o Him ?,9.5

Fighting small battles for big gainspiritual warfare in any of its victories is achievedthrough objective fact and not through subjective feelings.War against our flesh must proceed on the basis of truthand the appropriation of truth, and not on the untrustworthybasis of feeling. [So] as believers we are to aggressively act intaking the armor [of God] and putting it on. Every time weface the enemy and battle him we should be sure our armor isin place. Daily we need to appropriate our provided armorand put on our spiritual dress for battle. A very close, hardfoughtbattle is alivays before us. Facing that battle withoutarmor is unthinkable. 33 Mark I . Bubeck ,The Adversary97'

LORD, PLEAS E HE L P ME T O CHANG East July, I learned abou t ca r maintenance th e har d way . I toCs wasn' t tha t I didn't kno w anything abou t cars . Or tha t Ididn't kno w anything about my car. After all, I've driven m y For dEscort for ten year s and intimatel y kno w ever y snort and chortl eshe throw s a t the road . We'v e survive d man y trip s and tune-up stogether. I n fact , m y car ha s stuc k b y me longe r tha n som efriendships, most commitments, an d al l of m y jobs.We've grow n attache d t o eac h other . I put u p wit h he rquirks an d sh e forgives mine. S o when friend s jab m e wit h ca rjokes, I shrug the m off . The long-sufferin g "E" has been goo d t ome. I won't betra y an automobil e that' s blessed m e wit h year s o fno car payments and moderat e repairs .Besides, m y brother-in-law onc e kep t a car running fo rtwenty-five years. H e probabl y se t a record fo r people who don' tdeal i n antiques , an d when I think o f that ol d statio n wagon , th eEscort's dents don't loo k s o bad.But le t m e clarify . M y brother-in-law kep t tha t automobil egoing because he's frugal. That's hardly a description o f me. I keeppushing th e Escort' s endurance s o I can bu y furniture for m yhouse. Despit e our different motivations, the inspiration o f Larry' sold ca r help s "E " escape th e use d ca r lots . And she' s probabl ygrateful for that. It's tough breakin g up a long-term relationship .That's why , among othe r reasons , thi s summer's episod efelt so traumatic .In retrospect, I recognize tha t "E " had bee n sendin g signal sto m e abou t a n ailmen t fo r severa l months . I ignored the mbecause the symptoms didn't see m significan t enough an d I didn'twant t o spend th e money—a t leas t no t o n ca r repairs . (I n m ydefense, I must sa y that th e car's red "Engine " light never turne don, but that's still no excuse for denying her increasing pleas. )Finally, when sh e coul d stan d i t no longer , "E " cracked he rengine an d wit h smok e billowin g fro m under th e hood , sh estranded u s on th e highwa y and racke d u p a n $1,80 0 repair bill .Her radiato r flui d had draine d out— a simple and relativel y inex -pensive repair i f I'd heede d he r warnings .sits in th e drivewa y thi s morning, conten t wit h ne w valve sand apologeti c tha t sh e lef t me for three week s and cos t s omuch money ..:98

SMARTER, NO T HARDE RI'm sorry , too. Sorr y that sometime s I don't wak e up unti l aproblem grow s enormous—sorry tha t whe n I don't confron tsmall incidents , I' m force d int o big , unnecessar y trauma s tha tgrind m y life to a halt until they'r e solved .So I'm tryin g to remember tha t about change .If I pay attention an d fight th e smal l battles , i n th e end, I'l lwin th e war . That's especiall y tru e i n th e spiritua l realm . Dail ydecisions can tur n int o big gains or losses .It's up to me t o choose .PERSONAL CHECKPOIN TIn Par t Five , you'll lear n abou t dail y choices tha t mak e a differencei n whether o r not you change .1. What critical , dail y choice s d o yo u fac e i n you r desir e t ochange?2. Ho w ca n yo u lear n t o mak e choice s tha t lea d t o positiv echange?3. Ho w can yo u kno w i f you're makin g the righ t choices ?

Way- — •CHOOSE I TOR LOSE I TGod 's Word helps us to makechoices that change us.live in the land o f weekend warriors .On Frida y afternoons in Colorado, otherwis e reasonabl eoffice people gea r u p t o ris k thei r live s on th e mountains . I n th ewinter, it' s skiing dow n stee p slope s or racin g a snowmobile. I nthe summer , it' s scrambling u p cragg y rock s towar d th e peaks ,biking the narro w trails , or rafting down white-wate r rapids .Whether they'r e paradin g u p o r dow n ou r hills , thes e war -riors wan t t o conquer th e mountain s wit h spee d an d physica lprowess. However , it' s not reall y the weekend tha t separate s con -ditioned athlete s from the dabblers. Monda y morning doe s that .Sliding back into their desks , the bodies of weekend athlete srevolt with aches and pains . The peopl e who stay perpetually con -ditioned fee l great. ( I solv e th e proble m b y not approachin g th emountains a t all, but th e pai n hit s me after a weekend o f stoopin gover flowerbeds.)Still, the suffering could b e avoided i f we weekenders woul dtake smal l step s towar d conditionin g instea d o f bi g jumps int omuscle misery .100'

SMARTER, NO T HARDE RAccording t o one docto r o f orthopedics, "Failur e t o condi -tion i s the mai n reaso n wh y the weekend athlet e suffer s so muc hsoreness and s o many injuries." In a n interview , h e described th eweekend athlet e a s a thirty-five-year-old businessma n o r woma nwho wants to recapture youth b y getting back into shape ."But they were never taught i n school what getting back int oshape meant, s o they don't kno w how to properly go about it, " headded.It narrows down t o flexibility."They have to stretch thei r muscles," he cautioned. "Muscle scontract an d expand . I f you spend fifteen year s without contract -ing and expandin g them , an d the n suddenl y begi n contractin gthem b y playing sports, the muscle s will pull apart. "Ouch.Ironically, i t doesn't requir e muc h t o get muscle s int oshape. The docto r recommende d " a few basic stretching and lim -bering exercises , done regularl y and righ t before athletic activit y. . . t o keep a person tune d up. " 341 the spiritual a s well as the physica l world, it's necessary t o'choose i t or los e it " to sta y in shape . I f we don't stretc hour spiritua l muscle s regularly , the y won't hol d u p unde r th estrain o f dail y stresses , le t alon e th e tribulation s o f workin gthrough change .Part o f thi s spiritual workou t include s reading God's Word ,the Bible .In hi s book My Friend, the Bible, John Sherril l describe d hi spersonal ques t t o understand an d appl y the Scriptures t o hi s dailylife. As he spen t more tim e i n th e Bible , he discovere d tw o kind sof verses tha t infus e God's "mysti c energy" int o ou r soul s an dkeep us flexible for each day' s challenges .• Manna verses speak t o us daily. God quickens our spirit s aswe read thes e Scriptures , an d ofte n the y appl y immediatel y t oday-to-day living . Sherrill sai d thes e verse s "emphasiz e th e oddl yelusive nature o f our relationshi p wit h God . W e need t o come t oHim dail y for a new suppl y o f Himself . W e can't captur e Him ,box Him. "• Arsenal verses emphasize th e opposite principle . Throug hmemorization, meditation , and recall , these verses store up i n ou r

LORD, PLEAS E HEL P MF . TO CHANG Ebrains for a time when w e need them . A t the righ t moment , the ymarch throug h ou r thought s t o guide our actions . "God' s Wor dis also imperishable, inexhaustible , eternal, " explained Sherrill ,"and i t can b e store d u p jus t a s swords can b e store d i n a n arse -nal." 55In th e spiritua l realm , w e can't affor d to b e weekend war -riors. W e nee d th e dail y mann a an d th e stored-u p arsena l t ogather ou r strengt h an d flexibility fo r battle. Wit h bot h type s o fScriptures prompting us , we can choos e an d no t los e our ques tfor personal change .ELPERSONAL CHECKPOIN T1. A s you see k t o change, ho w ca n yo u kee p your spiritua l mus -cles flexible?2. Ar e yo u allowin g God' s Wor d t o guid e yo u throug h th echange process ?GOD'S VIEWPOIN TGod's Word guide s the psalmist :Happy are those who live pure lives,who follow the LORD 'S teachings.Happy are those who keep his rules,who try to obey him urith their whole heart.They don't do what is wrong;they follow his ways.LORD, you gave your ordersto be obeyed completely.I wish I were more loyalin obeying your demands.Then I would not be ashamedwhen I study your commands.When I learned that your laws are fair,102

SMARTER, NO T HARDE RI praised you with an honest heart.I will obey your demands,so please don't ever leave me.How can a young person live a pure life?By obeying your word.With all my heart I try to obey you.Don't let me break your commands.I have taken your words to heartso I would not sin against you.LORD, you should be praised.Teach me your demands.My lips will tell aboutall the laius you have spoken.I enjoy living by your rulesas people enjoy great riches.I think about your ordersand study your ways.I enjoy obeying your demands,and I will not forget your word.—Psalm 119:1-16YOUR RESPONS E1. Ho w and whe n ca n yo u gather u p manna verse s for dail y liv -ing?2. T o hel p yo u change , wha t Scripture s migh t yo u ad d t o you rcollection o f arsenal verses ?10.1

GOOD-BYE,DAMSEL I NDISTRESSChange means letting go of a rescuementality and accepting responsibility.'/ £/ e'r e a s helpless as we think w e are.That's wha t researcher s conclude d whe n the y studie dadolescents an d thei r orientatio n towar d intelligenc e an d chal -lenge. The y studie d th e behavio r o f middl e an d junior hig hstudents an d discovere d tw o basi c bu t opposit e response s t odifficulty or challenge : th e "mastery " an d th e "helpless " pat -terns."In th e helples s pattern, childre n seem[ed ] trappe d b y th eexperience o f difficulty, attributing i t to a lack o f intelligence, "said th e researc h report . Eve n i f they had prove d thei r abilit y i nother areas , the y often said , "I' m no t smar t a t this. " They fel tupset abou t pressure , slackene d thei r efforts , and los t sigh t o ftheir objectives .These student s "believe[d ] tha t intelligenc e i s somethin gthey cannot change and tha t failure i s an indictmen t o f their abil -ity," the report continued .In contrast , mastery-oriente d student s "seem[ed ] t o believ ethey ca n becom e mor e intelligen t throug h effort. " They use d104'

SMARTER, NO T HARIIE Reffective problem-solving strategie s and fel t "excited an d spurre dby difficulty rather tha n threatene d o r anxious. "As a result, intelligenc e playe d a small par t i n thes e stu -dents' succes s a t school . Eve n wit h "average " intelligence , th emastery-oriented student s achieve d muc h highe r grade s tha ntheir highl y intelligent but helpless-oriente d peers. 36And herei n lie s another lesso n fo r the change-oriented per -son. I f we believe w e can change , we'r e prone t o accomplish it . I fwe doubt ou r abilit y t o change, we're positionin g ourselve s fo rfailure.(j/j u t ho w do we believe i n our abilit y to change ?c/(y I t begins wit h dropping ou r damsel-in-distres s mentali -ty—the belie f b y women tha t another perso n wil l rescue u s an daccomplish th e tas k fo r us . It' s no t ungodl y o r unfeminin e t oaccept responsibilit y for ourselves. I n fact, the Bibl e say s that eac hof u s wil l account fo r ho w we've manage d ou r live s (Roman s14:10-12).I don't mea n t o sound harsh , bu t fro m m y experience, it' sthe helples s patter n tha t mos t ofte n block s women fro m thei rdreams. And nobod y ca n chang e tha t pattern , excep t us . Parent scan rescu e u s from a bad financia l situation , bu t the y can' tchange ou r inne r attitude s abou t money . A diet counselor ca ncheer u s on, bu t h e can' t los e th e weigh t fo r us. A psychologis tcan liste n t o our problem s eac h week , bu t sh e won't mak e ou rday-to-day decision s fo r us . It' s u p t o u s t o believe, t o work, t omove towar d change .And the n it' s up t o God .Somebody onc e sai d w e should wor k a s though everythin gdepended o n u s and pra y a s though everythin g depende d o nGod. This admonition ha s turned int o a cliche, and that' s th e ris kof words tha t rin g bot h profoun d an d practical : They're quote dso many time s the y turn meaningless . Bu t tha t doesn't negat e th etruth abou t wor k an d prayer , our par t an d especiall y God's part .His promises and character neve r change .Simply put , chang e begin s wit h takin g responsibilit y fo rourselves an d proceed s wit h dependin g o n God . W e becom emastery-oriented becaus e w e ste p ou t an d trus t th e Maste r wh odesires what's best for us .105

LORD, PLEAS E HEL P M E T O CHANG E1. D o you harbor a rescue mentalit y about your need t o change ?2. Ho w do you fee l about takin g responsibility for changing your -self?What Go d ha s alread y done t o hel p us :It is written in the Scriptures:"'As surely as I live,' says the Lard,'Everyone will bow before me;everyone will say that I am God.'"So each of us will have to answer to God.[But] since we have been made right with God by our faith, we havepeace with God. This happened through our Lord Jesus Christ, who hasbrought us into that blessing of God's grace that we now enjoy. And weare happy because of the hope we have of sharing God's glory. We alsohave joy with our troubles, because we know that these troubles producepatience. And patience produces character, and character produces hope.And this hope will never disappoint us, because God has poured out hislove to fill our hearts. He gave us his love through the Holy Spirit, whomGod has given to us.When we were unable to help ourselves, at the moment of our need,Christ died for us, although we were living against God. Very few peoplewill die to save the life of someone else. Although perhaps for a good personsomeone might possibly die. But God shows his great love for us in thisway: Christ died for us while we were still sinners.So through Christ we will surely be saved from God's anger, becausewe have been made right with God by the blood of Christ's death.'—R omam 14:11-12; 5:1-9/Off

SMARTER, NO T HARDE RYOUR RESPONS E1. Ho w can you balance between takin g responsibility for yourselfand trustin g God t o help you ?2. Wha t do you need t o take responsibility for now ?>07

- - - > 2 3 ^THE WOMA NYOU'LL NEVER B EA healthy outlook emerges when wegrieve and accept what can 7 change.J M o u know , I thought I' d b e famou s b y now," said Jeanewho soo n woul d tur n thirty ."What?" someone i n our group sputtered ."Well, I always thought I' d b e wel l know n fo r something 1do. And I thought I had t o do i t b y thirty," she explained . The nshe asked us , "Didn't you thin k you'd b e famous?"Nervous laughter passe d throug h th e room .Well, yes, some o f u s did. I n fact , three out o f five o f u s ha dthought that ."My husband an d I thought we' d b e famous together," ven -tured a n ar t director who's married t o a photographer ."I thought I' d b e a famous writer," I said. Then I joked ,"Well, at least I'm a writer.""I guess growin g olde r mean s comin g t o grips wit h wh oyou reall y ar e instea d o f who yo u though t yo u woul d be, " sai dJeane."I guess there ar e som e thing s w e aren't destine d t o be," Iadded reluctantly .108

SMARTER, NO T HARIIE R(7 t' s true. Becaus e o f genetics o r destin y or circumstances ,K^y ther e are some thing s we'll never achieve. And no amoun tof grit or hop e o r praye r wil l change us . Mayb e i f my coworker sand I had trie d harder , w e might hav e been famou s b y now. Bu twe can't chang e th e fac t that on e i s Asian, one i s tall, and on e i sthin no matte r ho w much sh e eats .There ar e some thing s we'll neve r change . Bu t despite th efacts, we still try to change them .Take bod y image , fo r example. Recen t ground-breakin gresearch reveale d tha t "fashio n model s hav e a n abnorma l bod yconfiguration tha t n o amoun t o f dieting wil l allo w a norma lwoman t o match." The bodie s that w e crave and die t for can't b eours, unless we're bor n wit h abnormal gene s or turn anorexic . I nfact, "fashion model s ar e actuall y less at ris k for eating disorder slike anorexia and bulimi a tha n norma l women." 3 7Not lon g ago, the Good Morning America show reported tha tthe average woman i s 5' 3 " tall and weighs 14 4 pounds. I'v e hear dother reports that thi s average woman wear s a size twelve .So why the fuss to achieve a size six body ?Even without meaning to , we can liste n t o the world instea dof to God .So to be sure we're hearing Hi s voice and pursuin g th e righ tobjectives, we need checkpoint s alon g our journey t o change. W ecan as k God t o confirm our direction , and i f He say s we're tryin gto alter what can't be changed, it' s time t o listen up . With Go d al lthings are possible, but some thing s He leave s as is.We don't hav e t o tak e th e new s wit h a stiff upper lip ,though. I n fact , it's healthy t o grieve what w e can't change . Th eanger, th e depression , th e bargainin g help s u s to finally accep twhat's inevitabl e an d t o productivel y procee d wit h life—an d t ofocus on changin g wha t actuall y can b e changed . We'r e als oassured tha t God's lov e and grac e wil l hover ove r u s and hea l ou rgrief.Why am I introducing thi s now ? Why not a t th e beginnin gof the book ? Mayb e I'm judging b y my own hard-headedness , bu tit often takes time and failur e to accept what's realistic and what' snot.God, give us grace to accept with serenity the things that cannot hechanged, courage to change the things which should be changed, and thewisdom to distinguish the one from the other. 38109

LORD, PLEAS E HEL P M E T O CHANG EE3PERSONAL CHECKPOIN T1. Coul d yo u b e trying to change what can't b e changed ?2. Ho w do you fee l about thi s as a possibility ?Help for when w e don't kno w what t o do:The Spirit helps us with our weakness. We do not know how to pray as weshould. But the Spirit himself speaks to God for us, even begs God for us•with deep feelings that words can not explain. God can see what is in people'shearts. And he knows what is in the mind of the Spirit, because theSpirit speaks to God for his people in the way God wants.We know that in everything God luorks for the good of those wholove him. They are the people he called, because that was his plan.So what should we say about this? If God is with us, no one candefeat us. He did not spare his own Son but gave him for us all. So withJesus, God will surely give us all things. Can anything separate us fromthe love Christ has for us? Can troubles or problems or sufferings orhunger or nakedness or danger or violent death ?But in all these things we have full victory through God whoshowed his love for us. Yes, I am sure that neither death, nor life, norangels, nor ruling spirits, nothing now, nothing in the future, no powers,nothing above us, nothing below us, nor anything else in the whole worldwill ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesusour Lord.—Romans 8:26-28, 31-32, 35, 37-39YOUR RESPONS E1. I n regar d t o personal change , ho w migh t yo u confirm God' sdirection fo r you?no

SMARTER, NO T HARDE R2. Ar e yo u willin g t o grieve th e thing s tha t can' t b e changed ?Why, or why not?///

When we quest for significant change,vision matters more than acceptance.hen Georgi a O'Keef e exhibited painting s in Ne w York ,critics misunderstood he r art' s intent ."The thing s the y write soun d s o strange an d fa r remove dfrom what I feel of myself," she wrote i n 1922 . In response , she se tabout definin g hersel f an d he r work . Not t o answe r th e critics ,but t o clarif y and understan d he r persona l visio n fo r artisti cendeavor.Around 1923 , Georgia wrote t o her friend , the writer Sher -wood Anderson, and describe d he r intuitiv e but burning passion :I feel that a real livin g form i s the natura l resul t o f th eindividual's effor t to create th e livin g thing out o f th eadventure o f hi s spirit int o th e unknown , where i t ha sexperienced something—fel t something—i t ha s no tunderstood. An d fro m tha t experience , come s th edesire t o make th e unknown known .By unknown, I mean th e thing that means so much t othe perso n tha t he wants to put i t down—clarify somethingh e feel s but doe s not clearl y understand. . . .Hi

SMARTER, NO T HARDE RSometimes i t i s all working i n th e dark , but a workin gthat mus t b e done. . . . Yo u musn't eve n thin k yo uwon't succeed .I feel a sort of fury when yo u sa y that you won't suc -ceed. I want t o shake yo u t o your senses—shak e suc han ide a ou t o f you fo r always . . . . Makin g you runknown know n i s the importan t thing—an d keepin gthe unknow n alway s beyond you—catchin g crystaliz -ing your simple r cleare r visio n o f lif e . . . tha t yo umust alway s keep working t o grasp. . . .You and I don't kno w i f our visio n i s clear i n rela -tion t o our tim e o r not . N o matte r wha t failur e o rsuccess w e ma y have , w e wil l not know . Bu t w e ca nkeep our ow n integrity—accordin g t o our ow n sens eof balance with th e world. 3 9When i t concerned painting , Georgia pursued persona l visio nrather tha n th e applaus e o f critics. To outsiders , sh e sometime sappeared unreasonabl e i n her artistic pursuits, but for Georgia, whoneeded reasonable ? Sh e passionatel y followe d he r visio n an dchanged th e direction o f American art .y reading th e storie s i n thi s book, it' s apparent tha t I' mpassionate abou t biographies . The desir e ignite d severa lyears ago and hasn' t subsided . I especially enjo y reading abou tcreative and successfu l women: They inspir e m e t o keep cultivat -ing m y small measur e o f talent wit h th e hop e tha t someda y Imight mak e a difference.In the meantime and betwee n writing assignments, I'v e rea dabout authors , dancers , actresses , comediennes, photographers ,stateswomen, philosophers , politica l prisoners , roya l famil y mem -bers, an d others . After finishing a dozen o r s o books, I realize dwhat thes e women share d i n common: The y followe d an unshak -able, sometime s unreasonabl e urg e t o accomplish thei r goals .And with thi s single-mindedness, the y impacted th e world .Their live s also have taught m e about change .Whether w e decide t o change ourselve s o r th e world , w eneed a dose o f unreasonableness t o deafen ourselve s t o the crit -ics, t o keep going . Whateve r th e endeavor , ther e ar e alway speople wit h explanation s for why we should stop , or wh y we can't//. i

LORD, PLEAS E HEL P M E T O CHANG Eor shouldn' t o r won' t accomplis h th e task . Bu t a s long a s ou rgoals are worthy and God-inspired , w e needn't liste n t o them .As a weekend author , I'v e thought o f thi s often and espe -cially recently. Som e people thin k I' m reclusive , bu t I know tha tin writing books , I' m walkin g throug h God' s open door . An dwith th e completion o f thi s manuscript, I'l l hav e accomplished amajor life goal, changed th e direction o f my writing, and hopeful -ly touched people' s lives .Besides, critic s seldom kno w al l o f the facts . I take tim e of fbetween projects , I still socializ e wit h friends , I pursue hobbies ,and putte r around town . I know m y life isn't al l work and n o play ,but i t still hurts when critic s dig for dysfunctions. That's when Ineed t o find comfort i n God an d friends who understand .Whatever w e wor k t o accomplish , whateve r w e tr y t ochange, mos t likel y critics will snipe a t us . Bu t don't worry . Whe nthey begin , w e ca n remembe r an d b e inspire d b y Jesus, th eauthor an d finishe r of our faith . He ignore d th e critic s and utter -ly changed th e world .ELPERSONAL CHECKPOIN T1. Ar e there critic s who don't wan t you t o change? I f so, what d othey say ?2. Hav e these critics affected your desire t o change? Explain .GOD'S VIEWPOIN TEncouragement t o keep pressin g on :1 want to encourage you to fight hard for the faith that was given the holypeople of God once and for all time.Dear friends, remember what the apostles of our Lord Jesus Christsaid before. They said to you, "In the last times there will be people wholib

SMARTER, NO T HARIIE Rlaugh about God, following their own evil desires luhich are against God. "These are the people who divide you, people whose thoughts are only of thisworld, who do not have the Spirit.But dear friends, use your most holy faith to build yourselves up,praying in the Holy Spirit. Keep yourselves in God's love as you wait forthe Lord Jesus Christ with his mercy to give you life forever.Show mercy to some people who have doubts. Take others out of thefire, and save them. Show mercy mixed with fear to others, hating eventheir clothes which are dirty from sin.God is strong and can help you not to fall. He can bring you beforehis glory without any wrong in you and can give you great joy. He is theonly God, the One who saves us. To him be glory, greatness, power, andauthority through Jesus Christ our Lord for all time past, now, and forever.Amen.—Jude 3c, 17-25YOUR RESPONS E1. Ho w ca n yo u respon d t o non-Christian s wh o criticiz e you rjourney towar d change ?2. Ho w ca n yo u respon d t o Christians who misunderstoo d you rdesire t o change ?115

a'7ATTACKS FRO MBEHIND HUR TTHE WORS TSpiritual warfare against our goalcan happen when we least expect it.hen Sharon' s parent s divorced , he r lif e turned upsid edown an d wouldn' t righ t itsel f again . Sh e ha d bee nraised i n a Christian home , s o her father's affair created a horri -ble dissonance tha t she couldn't reconcil e i n her teenag e mind .To cope , sh e rebelled . First , with alcohol . Next , wit h sex .Then wit h drugs ."For years, Sharon seeme d ben t o n he r ow n destruction, "says her mother , Annabella . " I tried everythin g imaginable—cur -fews, counseling, discipline—bu t nothin g worked . Whe n sh ebecame a n adult , I finally had t o love her for who she was : a drugaddict."Annabella als o prayed. Sh e praye d tha t Sharon woul d reac hthe end o f herself, search for God, and finally change .It didn't happen .Sharon's problem s worsened . Sh e marrie d a n acto r wh owouldn't suppor t her , and the y gav e birth t o a son whom Sharo nloved dearl y bu t wh o adde d t o their financia l woes . Again, t ocope, Sharo n picke d u p a needle. He r husban d lef t and grand -parents too k the child .1/6'

SMARTER, NO T HARDE RWithout he r baby , Sharon face d reality . She checked int o adetox cente r an d brave d sever e withdrawals with newbor n deter -mination. Si x months later , drug-free and internall y renewed, sh eleft the center t o start over again .Annabella fel t encouraged. He r prayer s had bee n answered .Sharon revive d her hope .Within a fe w months, Sharo n retrieve d he r son , starte dworking again , an d vowe d t o sta y clean. A few months later ,though, sh e aske d th e doctor abou t he r son' s persisten t an d per -plexing symptoms. After numerous tests , he diagnosed th e youn gboy's illness as inoperable cancer ."It's bee n a terrible blow, " say s Annabella. "Jus t whe nSharon starte d t o change, sh e go t hi t from behind. We'r e stil lreeling from it. "(Jj/f/hen we'r e progressin g towar d th e long-awaite d goa l o f/A persona l change , it' s attacks from behind tha t hur t th eworst. Especiall y when ou r destinatio n stand s clearl y i n sigh t an dwe're anticipatin g th e war's end. B y this time, we've le t dow n ou rguard an d we'r e lookin g ahea d t o celebration. Finally , w e wil lhave changed .Then unexpectedly , traged y hits . Suddenly, we're fightingharder tha n before , with hop e an d hel p to o far from u s and ou rstrength rapidl y dwindling .While researchin g fo r thi s day's reading, a retired militar yman explained tha t there's no prepared tacti c for when a n enem yattacks from behind. "Yo u aren't suppose d t o get int o thos e situa -tions," he said . "Al l you ca n d o i s pull together , tr y to fight back ,and cal l for help. "That's i n th e physica l world. I n th e spiritua l realm , anythin gcan happen , eve n when w e think it' s not suppose d to—especiall ywhen w e feel we've battle d lon g enough. S o we're smar t t o sta yprepared."Put on th e ful l armor o f God s o that yo u ca n fight agains tthe devil' s evi l tricks, " advised Paul . Then h e described ou r devi -ous enemy ."Our fight i s not agains t peopl e o n eart h bu t agains t th erulers and authoritie s an d th e power s o f thi s world's darkness ,against th e spiritua l power s o f evi l i n th e heavenl y world. That i swhy you nee d t o put o n God' s ful l armor. Then o n th e da y of evi l//7

LORD, PLEAS E HEL P M E T O CHANG Eyon wil l be able t o stand strong . And whe n yo u hav e finished th ewhole fight, yo u wil l stil l b e standing" (Ephesian s 6:11-13) . An dwe will have changed .1. A s you approac h you r goal , ar e yo u prepare d fo r unexpecte dspiritual battle ?2. Ar e you puttin g o n th e ful l armor o f God? (Rea d th e passag eon pag e 11 9 for a description o f our spiritual battl e gear. )GOD'S VIEWPOIN TAbout suffering and spiritua l warfare:My friends, do not be surprised at the terrible trouble which now comes totest you. Do not think that something strange is happening to you. But behappy that you are sharing in Christ's sufferings so that you will be happyand full of joy when Christ comes again in glory. When people insult youbecause you follow Christ, you are blessed, because the glorious Spirit, theSpirit of God, is with you. Do not suffer for murder, theft, or any othercrime, nor because you trouble other people. But if you suffer because youare a Christian, do not be ashamed. Praise God because you wear thatname.Be humble under God's powerful hand so he will lift you up whenthe right time comes. Give all your worries to him, because he cares aboutyou.Control yourselves and be careful! The devil, your enemy, goesaround like a roaring lion looking for someone to eat. Refuse to give in tohim, by standing strong in your faith. You know that your Christian familyall over the world is having the same kinds of suffering.And after you suffer for a short time, God, who gives all grace, willmake everything right. He will make you strong and support you and keepyou from falling. He called you to share in his glory in Christ, a glory thatwill continue forever. All power is his forever and ever—1 Peter 4:12-16; 5:6-1 la//s

SMARTER, NO T HARDE RSo stand strong, with the belt of truth tied around your waist and the protectionof right living on your chest. On your feet wear the Good News ofpeace to help you stand strong. And also use the shield of faith with whichyou can stop all the burning arrows of the Evil One. Accept God's salvationas your helmet, and take the sword of the Spirit, which is the word ofGod. Pray in the Spirit at all times with all kinds of prayers, asking foreverything you need. To do this you must always be ready and never giveup.—Ephesians 6:14-18bYOUR RESPONS E1. Wha t parts of the spiritua l armor d o you stil l need t o put on ?2. Ho w ca n yo u sta y alert t o spiritual warfare and attack s frombehind?//.i

ICCTHE NEW ,IMPROVED YO UHolding on to the progress you've made•N esus Christ has promised to be our present Teacherf and Guide. His voice is not hard to hear. Hisinstruction is not hard to understand. If rue arebeginning to calcify what always should remain alive andgrowing, He will tell us. We can trust His teaching. If we arewandering off toward some wrong idea or unprofitable practice,He will guide us back. If we are willing to listen to theHeavenly Monitor, we will receive the instruction we need.Our world is hungry for genuinely changed people. Leo Tolstoyobserved, "Everybody thinks of changing humanity andnobody thinks of changing himself " Let us be among thosewho believe that the inner transformation of our lives is agoal worthy of our best effort. 40 Richard J. Foster ,Celebration of Discipline121'

LORD, PI.EAS E HEL P M E T O CHANG E12S_S^>riowflakes nipped m y fingers tha t Saturda y a s I pulled a nt / assortmen t o f envelopes from my roadside mailbox .Ah, the Christmas cards are finally arriving, I thought. The nwhile dodging ic e patche s leadin g t o m y front door, I shuffledenvelopes and rea d return addresses . One car d fel t bunchy, and Isqueezed i t a few times, anticipating a newsletter from an out-of -state friend.In th e dining roo m wit h m y coat barel y off, I tore open th efat envelope, gav e th e car d a cursory loo k an d du g int o freshl ytyped pages . I smiled, wondering wh y Becky hadn't produce d aform letter. Her schedule usuall y groaned wit h activity , even with -out th e holida y season upo n us .A few paragraphs later , I understood wh y m y friend ha dcommunicated personally . Sh e wrote :There is some sad news . . . Meredith is divorcing her husbandand has totally renounced her faith in Christ. It was very hard for me tolearn that, for / have been a friend to Meredith for years. She stoppedanswering my calls in April, and during July-August, I learned about herdecision. What can I say ?Looking a t th e pag e again , I mentally questioned, What'sgone wrong, Lord? But th e quer y fel l back t o me, listles s and use -less. I t seemed to o late to ask .Through m y adult years , severa l o f m y friends had defecte dfrom Christianity, but Meredith' s departure puzzle d m e th e most .For severa l years , she ha d bee n workin g har d a t changing diffi -cult personalit y trait s and continuall y aske d Go d t o help her . Sh eimplored Hi m fo r a sincere and life-changin g faith.One night , I sat in a car with Meredit h an d praye d abou t apersonal proble m sh e couldn't shak e off . A few days later, sh edescribed how , a t a counseling sessio n th e nex t day , sh e ha dreached a breakthrough poin t and bega n experiencin g ne w freedom.Sh e gave God th e credit .I had been encourage d b y Meredith's change an d growt h a sa Christian, and now , a few years later, she had lef t God altogether .eredith's stor y underscores th e fac t that, eve n thoug hwe accomplish grea t persona l change , w e can los eground i f we don't protec t th e progres s we've made .Not al l stories of loss turn a s tragic a s Meredith's. A writer Iknow once los t fifty pounds an d sol d a magazine articl e abou t

THK NEW , IMPROVE D YO Uhow she did it . Bu t b y the tim e th e articl e appeare d i n th e maga -zine, she had gained th e weight back. She laughed a s she told me ,but I detected pai n i n her eyes .Once we'v e changed, th e wor k doesn' t end . W e nee d t oguard agains t losin g it .But still , we don't nee d t o fear. As we keep watc h ove r th eprogress we've gained, Go d keep s guard wit h us . He ha s said , " Iwill neve r leav e you; I will neve r forge t you." S o we can b e sur ewhen w e say , " I will not b e afraid , because th e Lord i s my helper .People can't do anything t o me" (Hebrew s 13:5b-6) .EHPERSONAL CHECKPOIN TPart Si x will help yo u responsibl y liv e with th e persona l change sthat you make .1. Ho w have you progressed towar d your goal t o change ?2. Ho w ca n yo u prepar e t o guard agains t losin g th e groun dyou've gained ?3. Wha t spiritual disciplines could hel p you keep watch ?123

M I § FO RMATURITYWe can alter our circumstances,but that won Y change us.he leane d acros s th e caf e tabl e an d whispered , "Yo uknow, sometimes I feel like I haven't grown up. "I resisted th e urge t o suck in m y breath. No t Lani . I admiredher s o much. Wit h n o prio r experience , sh e had rise n from copy -writer t o producer t o vice president o f an advertisin g agenc y i n afew years. Sh e wa s humble, withou t compulsions , reasonabl eabout he r work. Not at all like me .Soaking i n wha t sh e ha d said , I Finally gulped an d asked ,"What do you mean? ""Well, other peopl e ou r ag e are married. They hav e houses ,kids, in-laws. Adult stuff. I don't."Neither di d I ."I understand," 1 whispered back , disappointe d tha t no teven Lan i felt adultlike.For a year or s o I had voice d apprehension s abou t single -ness versus marriage, childhood versu s adulthood. S o many of m ysingle friends felt that, despite thei r age , the y hadn't arrive d a tmaturity and tha t someday, somehow, w e would al l be exposed a simpostors among th e real grown-ups .Wt

THK NEW , IMPROVE D YO UBut the n m y friend Kimberl y go t married . I n th e first yea rshe gained a husband, in-laws , a house, a baby. So when w e dine dout one evening , I wasn't read y for deja vu."You know, " she said , " I hav e a husband an d a daughte rnow, and I still don't fee l grown up . When wil l it ever happen? "I didn't know . Bu t sinc e the n I'v e pondered ou r percep -tions of adulthood an d maturity .rue t o th e American way , we've defined maturit y b y peo -ple, places , things . Hardl y eve r ourselves . Bu t it' s n owonder. Developin g matur e characte r trait s can b e difficult ; it'seasier t o posses s someone o r somethin g tha n t o change what' sinside us . So acquisition, rather tha n character , becomes the mea -sure of maturity .Except it' s not working . We'r e stil l glancing ove r our shoul -ders, wondering i f our tru e identities , ou r rea l characte r flaws ,will lea k out . We're producin g emotionall y stagnan t adult s wh orelate lik e children, despit e wha t the y own. We're creatin g addic -tive, abusive behavior . And whe n we'r e confronte d wit h it , we'r erunning away .We're eve r changing our circumstance s bu t selc'.< m chang -ing ourselves .That describe d m e for years. Switchin g from job to job an dhome t o home, I thought alterin g m y circumstances an d accumu -lating professiona l accomplishment s woul d mak e m e a bette rperson. Instead , th e pressure o f switching locale s intensified wha tneeded t o change insid e of me. After the fifth job , I complained t oa friend, " I can switc h locations, but I always take myself with me! "I knew I needed t o slow down an d change—t o recove r fromthe terrible loneliness of running away .Covering up our problem s gets lonely, which i s much differ -ent from simply being alone. Aloneness can hel p u s mature. "Thi sis the essenc e o f coming o f age—to lear n ho w t o stand alone, "wrote Anne Morro w Lindbergh i n Gift from the Sen. "She must fin dher tru e center alone . She mus t becom e whole." 41It's been sai d tha t t o be adul t i s to be alone. Bu t with Chris twe can say , "t o b e matur e i s to fee l whole whe n we'r e alone. "Throughout th e Bible , godliness i s defined b y who w e are a s indi -viduals rather tha n b y who we're with , or what w e do, or what w eown, or what w e know .125

LORD, PI.EAS E HEL P M E T O CHANG EChrist sai d the merciful, the pure i n heart, th e peacemaker sare blesse d (Matthe w 5:3-10) . Pau l sai d th e matur e frui t of th eSpirit i s love, joy, peace , patience , kindnes s goodness, faithfulness,gentleness, and self-contro l (Galatian s 5:22). These qualitie srequire followin g the Spirit , understanding ourselves , makin ginternal changes , forgetting what the world thinks .That ca n b e tough , bu t it' s rewarding. Whe n w e find thes etraits growing insid e us , we've discovere d th e meanin g o f maturi -ty, the essenc e o f adulthood, th e fruits of our effort s to change .But mos t o f all , we're reflectin g God's character, an d He' s quit egrown up .1. Ho w do you define maturity ?2. I s your desire t o change relate d t o a need for this maturity ?On growin g in Christ :We must become like a mature person, growing until we become like Christand have his perfection.Then we will no longer be babies. We will not be tossed about like aship that the waves carry one way and then another. We will not be influencedby every new teaching we hear from people who are trying to fool us.They make plans and try any kind of trick to fool people into following thewrong path. No! Speaking the truth with love, we will grow up in everyway into Christ, who is the head.—Ephesians 4:131)-15But the day of the Lord will come like a thief The skies will disappearwith a loud noise. Everything in them will be destroyed by fire, and theearth and everything in it will be burned up. In that way everything willbe destroyed. So what kind of people should you be? You should live holy12S

THK NEW , IMPROVE D YO Ulives and serve God, as you wait for and look forward to the coming of theday of God. When that day comes, the skies will be destroyed with fire, andeverything in them will melt with heat. But God made a promise to us,and we are waiting for a new heaven and a new earth where goodnesslives.Dear friends, since you already know about this, be careful. Do notlet those evil people lead you away by the wrong they do. Be careful so youwill not fall from your strong faith. But grow in the grace and knowledgeof our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. Glory be to him now and forever!Amen.—2 Peter 3:10-13, 17-18YOUR RESPONS E1. Ho w can you gauge whether you're spirituall y mature ?2. Coul d your knowledg e o f the Lord' s coming change your defi -nition o f maturity? Explain .127

God changes usso we can help others.SF tephani e wa s a ne w Christian, an d althoug h I didn' tknow he r well , sh e seeme d fun-lovin g and eage r t olearn. One nigh t a t a Bible study, she asked m e i f I would mento rher spiritually . He r enthusias m invade d me , an d withou t think -ing, I said yes.The evenin g o f our firs t study time together, I hurriedly finishedwashing dishes before she arrived. With hand s immersed i nwater, th e parabl e o f the sowe r popped int o m y head. And wit heach additiona l swip e o f a dish, th e stor y piece d togethe r an dthen wouldn't leave ."Okay, Lord," I sighed. "I f you want me to share thi s parabl ewith Stephanie, I will. Bu t I don't understan d why. "After settling o n th e couc h an d chattin g a while, I tol dStephanie w e could begi n b y reading a parable from th e boo k o fLuke, chapter eight . He r fac e paled whe n I read, "Som e see d fel lon rock , and whe n i t bega n t o grow, i t died becaus e i t had n owater" (v . 6).When 1 finished , Stephanie stammered , " I think I' m th eseed o n th e rock. " I assured he r tha t sh e coul d becom e a see d128'

THE NEW , IMPROVE D YO Ufalling on goo d groun d tha t "mad e a hundred time s more" (v . 8)and tol d her ho w to grow as a Christian .The nex t week, Stephanie jilted ou r schedule d tim e togeth -er. Sh e didn't respon d t o m y phone messages , and I never hear dfrom her again . I suspect whe n Stephani e discovere d tha t Chris -tianity required commitment , sh e decided i t wasn't worth it .C/f/f/-hen I think o f Stephanie's change o f mind, I can't hel p//' bu t thin k o f myself . Sure, I' m stil l a Christian, while wh oknows what happene d t o her . Bu t a s I work throug h issue s o fchange, I realize ho w easil y I can war m u p t o God whe n I nee dHim—and ho w swiftl y I can dra w bac k afte r He's granted m yrequests.I too soo n forge t tha t a relationship wit h Go d take s a two -way commitment .God save s us from si n an d change s u s because H e love s us ,but not s o we can squande r i t on ourselves . Once we'v e receive dHis grace, H e ask s us to multipl y i t a hundredfold i n th e live s o fothers.We change s o that, i n turn, we can help others. Bibl e teache rHannah Whithal l Smit h explaine d thi s spiritual exchange :Many people see m t o thin k tha t th e onl y thin g pro -posed i n religio n i s to improve th e "ol d man, " that is ,the flesh ; and tha t th e wa y to do thi s i s to disciplin eand punis h i t until i t i s compelled t o behave. Henc ecomes the asceticis m o f th e Buddhis t an d others ; an dhence, also , comes th e ide a tha t th e "cross " for Chris -tians consists i n th e painfu l struggles o f thi s helples s"old man " t o do th e wil l o f God, a will which i n th every nature o f thing s th e fles h cannot understan d o rlove.But a true comprehension o f th e religio n o f Chris tshows u s that wha t i s really meant i s the death o f thi sold ma n an d th e birth i n u s of a "ne w creature," begot -ten o f God, whose tastes and instinct s are all in harmon ywith God, and to whom the doing of God's will must be, andcannot help being, a joy and a delight.It i s not th e ol d ma n thwarte d an d mad e miserabl eby being compelled t o submit t o a will i t dislikes, but i t/2.0

LORD, PLEAS E HEL P M E T O CHANG Eis a ne w man , "create d i n Chris t Jesus unt o goo dworks," and therefor e doin g thes e goo d work s wit hease an d pleasure ; a ne w nature , o f divin e origin ,which i s in harmon y wit h th e divin e will , and there -fore delights t o do it. 42With thi s understanding, w e can sa y with th e psalmist , " Idelight t o do Thy will, O m y God" (Psal m 40:8a ; NASB) .1. Wha t are your goals for desiring t o change ?2. Throug h th e chang e process , hav e you aske d Go d abou t Hi swill for you?Praise for God's help :GOD'S VIEWPOIN TI waited patiently for the LORD.He turned to me and heard my cry.He lifted me out of the pit of destruction,out of the sticky mud.He stood me on a rockand made my feet steady.He put a new song in my mouth,a song of praise to our God.Many people will see this and worship him.Then they will trust the LORD.Happy is the personivho trusts the LORD,who doesn't turn to those who are proudor to those who worship false gods.LORD my God, you have done many miracles.Your plans for us are many./.W

THK NEW , IMPROVE D YO UIf I tried to tell them all,there would be too many to count.You do not want sacrifices and offerings.But you have made a hole in my earto show that my body and life are yours.You do not ask for burnt offeringsand sacrifices to take away sins.Then I said, "Look, I have come.It is written about me in the book.My God, I want to do what you want.Your teachings are in my heart. "—Psalm 40:1-8YOUR RESPONS E1. Ho w can yo u us e your changed lif e to help others ?2. Whe n an d ho w could yo u begin ?131

BELIEVING I NA BETTER YO UWhen people won't believe we've changed,we can trust the God who changed us.J M o u marrie d folk s can com e throug h thi s line," the ushe r^ ^ sai d a s h e pointe d m e towar d th e weddin g cak e an dpunch. I looked bac k a t Terry, stifle d a laugh an d followe d th ereception line . I had give n up on explanations .Terry i s a single frien d I used t o cal l m y "escor t service "when I still live d i n m y hometown. Seein g u s together, peopl eoften misname d hi m a s m y husband, m y boyfriend, or "relation -ship." Bu t Terr y neve r flinched . W e kne w wha t fe w peopl ebelieved: We were jus t friends.("I'm prou d t o be see n wit h you, " he onc e said . And th emisnomers bothe r ed m e less. )We weren't alway s so secure i n our friendship . When I me tTerry, I developed a colossal crush o n him—a s have many wome nsince. I attended hi s Bible stud y with les s thought fo r the lesso nthan fo r the teacher—an d i t bothered m e becaus e I felt emotionallyfragile and couldn't fac e a possible rejection .After a couple o f months o f agony, I blurted m y feelings t oan older Christia n woma n wh o took me seriously .132'

THK NEW , IMPROVE D YO U"Judy," she said , "let' s start prayin g abou t him , askin g Go dto reveal what the relationship should be. "I agreed, neve r suspectin g Hi s answer. I n les s than tw oweeks, m y clinging, can't-think-of-anyone-but-hi m emotion s left .They had bee n replace d wit h th e confidence that Terry could b emy friend.Remarkably, I had changed .As with anythin g i n God's economy , wha t appeared t o b enegative turne d positive . Hi s answer gav e u s freedom, direction ,protection. I knew m y boundaries wit h Terry; I had bee n shielde dfrom the wounds o f loving the wrong person .After that, I thought th e struggl e wa s over. Bu t the n well -intentioned friend s and stranger s wouldn't believ e me . The ywould smil e and nod , convince d tha t I denied deepe r feelings ,that I couldn't enjo y a man's company withou t windin g up a t th ealtar or a t leas t i n hi s bed.For som e reason , the y couldn't o r wouldn't believ e i n rea lchange.(J) / ou'r e stil l the same old Judy I'v e always known. "(Z)/ Thos e ar e th e las t words I want t o hear . Eve n whe n it' smeant a s a compliment fro m a longtime friend , that assessmen tsinks me . 1 wan t peopl e t o kno w tha t I' m different , that I'v estruggled t o get better , tha t I'v e changed .Instead, the y casually negate m y efforts.I have t o remind mysel f tha t people' s assumption s ca nemerge from a lack of information, not from the fact that I haven'tchanged. Fo r example, severa l months ago , a friend said t o me ,"Oh, Judy, you're jus t alway s working!"My sensitive antenna picke d u p on tha t one. Fo r the las t tw oyears I had consciously chosen t o work less. I had quit doing overtimeat the office, taken fe w writing assignments, and accomplished a lot ofnothing. Bu t Donna didn't kno w that. She lived i n another town . Shehadn't see n me for a few years. She believed old information.God, help me, I thought. / don V want to feel slighted by her assessment.Then withou t thinking , I told Donn a tha t sh e wa s wrong ,that sh e neede d t o update he r facts , that I had worke d har d a tchange and I wanted he r t o believe it .

LORD, PLEAS E HEL P M E T O CHANG ENo problem, sh e said . She would believ e i n the ne w me .Sometimes changing people' s attitudes about ou r changin gselves can b e a s simple a s telling the m th e truth . Or lettin g the mobserve u s for a while. Other times , peopl e jus t refus e to believ eit. They rub our nose s i n th e past , eager t o point ou t what resem -bles that "sam e old woman. "If we'v e honestl y changed, the n it' s time t o believe it' s thei rproblem an d no t ours—that mayb e the y haven't forgive n us, evenif we've aske d the m to ; that our ne w self points t o their old , unal -tered problems ; o r that change, i n general, threaten s them .We can embrac e thes e assertion s no t wit h revenge , bu t wit ha surrendered sou l tha t let s God wor k i n thei r hearts . W e can as kHim t o change thei r attitudes , just a s He's changed ours , and w ecan remembe r tha t transformin g the m i s the Hol y Spirit' s job ,not ours . And when w e leave their attitude s t o God, we're free t oenjoy the ne w person we'v e become .EHPERSONAL CHECKPOIN T1. I s someone refusin g to believ e tha t you're changin g o r hav echanged? I f so, why might thi s person refus e to believe it ?2. Ho w have you felt about thi s person? Why ?GOD'S VIEWPOIN THow life changes when w e know Christ :The love of Christ controls us, because we know that One died for all, soall have died. Christ died for all so that those ivho live would not continueto live for themselves. He died for them and was raised from the dead sothat they would live for him.From this time on we do not think of anyone as the world does. Inthe past we thought of Christ as the world thinks, but we no longer thinkof him in that way. If anyone belongs to Christ, there is a new creation.lib

THE NEW , IMPROVE D YO UThe old things have gone; everything is made new! All this is from God.Through Christ, God made peace between us and himself and God gaveus the work of telling everyone about the peace we can have with him. Godwas in Christ, making peace between the world and himself. In Christ,God did not hold the world guilty of its sins. And he gave us this messageof peace. So we have been sent to speak for Christ. It is as if God is callingto you through us. We speak for Christ when we beg you to be at peace withGod. Christ had no sin, but God made him become sin so that in Christwe could become right with God.—2 Corinthians 5:14-21YOUR RESPONS E1. Hav e yo u thanke d Go d fo r th e ol d thing s tha t hav e passe daway? If not, ho w about now ?2. Ho w can yo u respond t o people who don't believ e tha t you'r echanging or hav e changed ?/.S.5

ajNOBODY LOVE :A CRITI CWhen we finally change, it doesn Ymean we can criticize those who haven t.or reason s I'v e forgotten, I stayed awa y from th e officethat morning . An d afte r a late breakfast , I switched o nthe televisio n fo r background nois e while tacklin g housework . Afamiliar voice boomed fro m the tube .Donahue, 1 surmise d an d entere d th e bathroom , cleanse rand scru b brush i n hand . / wonder what he's got people riled up abouttoday.I turned a faucet handle an d ove r splashing and scouring ,the T.V . blurted a n answer .That day' s entertainment bega n wit h a lineup o f guest sespousing th e joy s of weight loss . Then t o spice thei r lean-cuisin estories—and audienc e reactions—Donahu e pitte d the m agains t adouble-chinned lad y who insisted tha t fat is beautiful.I left a half-clean sin k t o view the woman. Wit h fou r ex-fattiesagainst her , I knew sh e would win d up emotionall y carve d t othe bone . An d fo r the nex t hal f hour, I dipped i n and ou t o f th ebathroom, watching the screen mor e tha n th e porcelain .My sympathies sided with th e fat lady. At one point , her hus -band, thi n a s a popsicle stick , emerged fro m th e audienc e t o< 3 P .

THK NEW , IMPROVE D YO Udeliver hi s homily. Why I Love Her Jus t the Wa y She Is . I admiredhis devotion.But th e overweigh t wif e couldn't bas k i n hi s love for long .Immediately anothe r femal e guest countered wit h a hard-edge dsermon abou t What' s Terribly Wrong wit h Obes e People . I resistedhe r arrogance .Just when I had nominate d th e slimmed-dow n lad y a s Mos tPrejudiced Perso n o f the Year , she concluded: " I was right t o los ethe weight, and I give all of the credit t o the Lord! "With scattere d whoop s from th e audience , th e formerl yobese lady' s reputation dwindle d t o nothing. An d i n m y opinion ,so did th e Lord's .JTV/ dually , there' s n o fau x pas great enough t o damage th evri-*-/- Lord' s reputatio n o r stifl e His plans. Yet , because o f ou ropinions, w e can hurtl e potshot s tha t damag e people' s attitude stoward Go d and us .Often it' s when we'v e Finall y "gotte n th e victory " and w ewant struggler s around u s to get it , too. Bu t for various mixed-u preasons, w e accomplish th e opposite o f our intentions , an d afte rwe've conquered a sin, we condemn i t in others. S o the ex-smoke rcriticizes her pufFin g colleague, th e reforme d gossi p lecture s astorytelling neighbor , th e ex-sedentar y can' t stomac h a n out-of -shape friend , an d th e Christia n who' s finall y mastere d adevotional lif e looks down o n he r undisciplined spiritua l sister .The basi c stor y isn' t new . Twenty-Fiv e centuries ago , Aeso ptold a brief fabl e about a wolf and som e shepherds . The anima lpeered int o a hut t o watch th e shepherd s chom p o n a mutto njoint." These shepherds see m mightil y please d wit h themselve stoday. Bu t later , when the y are ful l and n o longe r nee d th e mut -ton, the y wil l condemn m e fo r doing th e sam e thing, " sneere dthe wolf. 4SWhile the fable's plot misse s compelling action, the author' smoral hit s our hearts : W e are to o ap t t o condemn i n others wha twe have done ourselves . And nobod y love s a critic.An eve n wise r Ma n explained : "Fo r out o f the fullnes s . . .of the hear t th e mout h speaks " (Matthe w 12:34b ; AMPLIFIED) . S Owhen w e ask, "I'v e go t i t together; wh y don't you? " our tongue sreally wag about our col d hearts ./J7

LORD, PLEAS E HEL P MF . TO CHANG EOn th e other hand , Pai d tol d th e Ephesians : "Whe n yo utalk, do no t sa y harmful things, but sa y what people need—word sthat wil l help others become stronger . .. . B e kind an d lovin gto each other , an d forgiv e each othe r jus t a s God forgav e you i nChrist" (Ephesian s 4:29 , 32) .True kindness , love , and forgivenes s spring from compas -sion, fro m a n ac t tha t says , " I ma y be victorious , bu t I will no tcondemn you ; I remember wha t it' s lik e to struggle." The ke y t ocompassion rest s i n a true spiri t o f humility , usuall y produce dfrom suffering through th e change proces s ourselves .Missionary Am y Carmichael kne w sufferin g and wrote :"What ca n w e do t o help ? I f only Calvar y be th e backgroun d o four living , i f only w e continue wit h ou r Lor d i n Gethsemane , i fonly ever y common wor d an d deed , ou r whol e bearing , ou rwhole being i s steeped i n th e spiri t tha t wa s His when H e se t Hi sface steadfastly to go to Jerusalem, the n thos e who loo k t o u s willsee that Cross and b e drawn int o that fellowship."There i s no other wa y to hel p them . There i s no other wa yto be helped ourselves." 44ElPERSONAL CHECKPOIN T1. Are you critica l o r compassionat e towar d peopl e wh o need t ochange?2. Ho w do yo u trea t peopl e wh o struggl e wit h th e sam e si n tha tyou've fought against ?How we're t o help each other :GOD'S VIEWPOIN TBrothers and sisters, if someone in your group does something wrong, youwho are spiritual should go to that person and gently help make him rightagain. But be careful, because you might be tempted to sin, too. By helpingeach other with your troubles, you truly obey the law of Christ. If anyonethinks he is important when he really is not, he is only fooling himself./.IS

THK NEW , IMPROVE D YO UEach person should judge his own actions and not compare himself withothers. Then he can be proud for what he himself has done. Each personmust be responsible for himself.Anyone who is learning the teaching of God should share all thegood things he has with his teacher.Do not be fooled: You cannot cheat God. People harvest only whatthey plant. If they plant to satisfy their sinful selves, their sinful selves willbring them ruin. Hut if they plant to please the Spirit, they will receive eternallife from the Spirit. We must not become tired of doing good. We willreceive our harvest of eternal life at the right time if we do not give up.When we have the opportunity to help anyone, we should do it. But weshould give special attention to those who are in the family of believers.—Galatians 6:1-10YOUR RESPONS E1. Ho w can yo n expres s lov e and kindnes s t o those stil l mired i nsin?2. Wha t could resul t from a lack of compassion towar d thes e peo -ple?

a'f* — 30GOING FO R BROK EWith God, we can risk a lifetimeof openness to change.W e'v e reached th e end o f this book, but I hope it' s just th ebeginning o f our commitment t o change. A s we liv e i nthese sin-fdle d bodies, Go d want s t o kee p moldin g u s into Hi simage. Spiritua l growt h last s for a lifetime—and i t requires a go -for-broke openness t o change .Several years ago, I worked i n th e sam e compan y a s JosephBayly, a writer whose wor k and lif e I admired. Joe staye d open t ochange, an d whe n h e died , a crowded funera l service attested t othe man y people h e ha d touche d wit h thi s attitude .Earlier i n life , Joe wrot e " A Psalm requestin g faith, " whichcharacterized hi s life until th e end. I t i s my prayer fo r all o f us a swe continue ou r journey towar d change :Give me courage Lor dto take risk snot the usua l one srespectednecessaryMO

THE NEW , IMPROVE D YO Urelatively safebut thos e I could avoi dthe go for broke ones .I need courag enot just becaus eI may fall on m y faceor wors ebut other s seeing m ea sorry spectacl eif it should happe nwill sayhe didn't kno w what he wa s doingor he's foolhardyor he's old enough t o kno wyou lea d from the sid einstead o f letting yourself b e caugh tin wild stampede .Give me courage Lor dto take unnecessary risk slive at tensio ninstead o f opting out .Give me the guts to put u pinstead o f shutting up .When i t comes right dow n t o i tLordI choose t o be Your failurebefore anyone else' s success .Keep me from renegin gon m y choice. 44•PERS( >NAL CHECKPOIN T1. Wha t ha s encouraged an d frustrate d you about working towar dchange?2. Ho w do you fee l about a lifetime of personal change ?////

LORD, PLEAS E HEL P M E T O CHANG EGOD'S VIEWPOIN THow to walk with God for a lifetime:Happy are those who don't listen to the wicked,who don't go where sinners go,who don't do what evil people do.They love the LORD'S teachings,and they think about those teachings day andnight.They are strong, like a tree planted by a river.The tree produces fruit in season,and its leaves don't die.Everything they do will succeed.But wicked people are not like that.They are like chaff that the unnd blows away.So the wicked will not escape CM's punishment.Sinners will not worship with God 's peof)le.This is because the LORD takes care of his people,but the wicked will be destroyed.—Psalm 1YOUR RESPONS E1. Ho w can yo u sta y open t o a lifetime of change ?2. Wha t personal change s do yo u wan t t o make durin g your life -time?

G lofrjPart 1 : STARTUNG INT O TH E TRUT H1. Ann e Wilso n Schaef , When Society Becomes an Addict (Sa n Fran -cisco: Harper & Row, 1987) , p . 67 .2. Schaef , p. 67 .3. Melod y Beattie, Denial (Center City, MN: Hazeldon, 1986) , p. 4.4. Sophocles , Antigone, line s 276-77 . The Dramas of Sophocles,trans. Si r George Young, (1888) , p. 16 .5. Herma n Melville , Billy Budd, Sailor and Other Stories (Ne wYork: Bantam Books , 1962) , pp. 95-130 .6. Davi d Seamands, Healing for Damaged Emotions (Wheaton: Vic -tor Books , 1983) , p . 21 .7. Evely n Christenson , Lord, Change Me! (Wheaton : Victo rBooks, 1983) , p. 90 .8. Davi d Swartz , Dancing with Broken Bones (Colorad o Springs :NavPress, 1987) , p. 82 .9. Collee n Townsend Evans , A Deeper Joy(Old Tappan, NJ : FlemingH . R e veil Company, 1982) , p. 42 .10. J.R. Miller , D.D. , In Green Pastures (Camden, NJ : Thomas Nel -son, 1969) , p. 72 .Part 2: A TRUE VIE W OF Yo u11. Penelop e J . Stokes , So What If You've Failed? (Colorad oSprings: NavPress , 1990) , p. 23 .12. Isabe l Russell , Katharine and E.B. White: An Affectionate Memoir(New York: W.W. Norton & Company, 1988) , pp. 52-53.13. Margare t Bourke-White , Portrait of Myself (Ne w York : Simo nand Schuster , 1963) , p . 21 ./iJ

LORD, PLEAS E HEL P M E T O CHANC E14. Bourke-White , p . 11 .15. Catherin e Marshall , The Prayers of Peter Marshall (Lincoln , VA :Chosen Books , 1954) , pp. 19-20 .16. Mar y S . Lovell , Straight on Till Morning: The Biography of BerylMarkham (Ne w York: St. Martin's Press , 1987) , n.p .17. Thi s reading firs t appeared i n Getting a Grip on Guilt by JudithCouchman (Colorad o Springs : NavPress , 1990) , pp . 11-13 ;17. Used b y permission .Part 3: WHE N TH E INSIDE S SPIL L OU T18. Pau l Tournier, The Meaning of Persons (San Francisco : Harpe r& Row), 1957 , pp. 54-55 .19. H.R . Rookmaaker , The Creative Gift (Westchester, IL : Corner -stone Books , 1981) , p . 134 .20. Henr y Davi d Thoreau , Walden and "Civil Disobedience" (NewYork: Signet Classics, 1960) , p. 10 .21. Harrie t Goldhor Lerner , Ph.D. , The Dance of Anger (New York:Harper & Row, 1985) , pp. 2-3 .22. Stephani e E. , Shame Faced (Cente r City , MN : Hazeldon ,1986), p. 1 .23. A . A . Milne , Winnie-the-Pooh (Ne w York : E.P . Dutto n & Co. ,1954), pp. 72-74 .24. Edit h Hamilton , Mythology (Ne w York : Th e Ne w America nLibrary, 1969) , pp. 70-72 .25. Dr . Larr y Crabb , Inside Out (Colorad o Springs : NavPress ,1988), p. 201 .Part 4: STUMBLIN G TOWAR D FREEDO M26. Lerner , p . 12 .27. Lewi s Carroll, Alice's Adventures in Wonderland and Through theLooking-Glass (Ne w York : The Ne w American Library , 1960) ,pp. 90-91 .28. Joh n Newton , "Amazin g Grace," from Hymns of the Christian Life(Harrisburg, PA : Christian Publications , Inc. , 1936) , p. 101 .29. Andre w Morton , Diana: Her True Story (New York : Simo n &Shuster, 1992) , pp. 73-74 .30. Eleano r Perenyi , Green Thoughts: A Writer in the Garden (Ne wYork: Random House , 1981) , p. 80 .//// /

NOTES31. A.W . Tozer , Man: The Dwelling Place of God (Harrisburg, PA :Christian Publications , Inc. , 1966) , pp. 51-52 .32. "Warmin g Up" by Karen Burto n Mains , Sunday Digest, January13, 198 5 (Elgin , IL : David C . Cook), p . 3 .Part 5: SMARTER , NO T HARDE R33. Mar k I . Bubeck, The Adversary (Chicago: Mood y Press , 1975) ,pp. 37 , 73 .34. Rober t B . Grossman , "Th e Weeken d Athlete : Avoidin gInjuries," Total Health, August 1989 , p. 20 .35. Joh n Sherrill , My Friend, the Bible (Lincoln, VA : Chosen Books ,1978), pp. 55-56 .36. "'Mastery ' an d 'Helpless ' Style s i n Adolescents, " The BrownUniversity Child Behavior and Development Letter , Novembe r1990, p. 3 .37. Christin a Robb , "Model s o f Myth, " Gazette Telegraph, 25 June1992, sec. E, p. 1 .38. )oh n Bartlett , Bartlett's Familiar Quotations (Boston : Little ,Brown and Company , 1980) , p. 823 .39. Jack Cowar t an d Juan Hamilton , Georgia O'Keeffe: Arts and Letters(Washington, D.C. : Nationa l Galler y o f Art , 1987) , pp .174-175.Part 6: TH E NEW , IMPROVE D YO U40. Richar d J. Foster, Celebration of Discipline (San Francisco : Harp -er & Row, 1978) , p . 9.41. Ann e Morro w Lindbergh , Gift from the Sea (Ne w York : Ran -dom House , 1975) , p. 96.42. Hanna h Whital l Smith , The Common Sense Teaching of the Bible(Old Tappan, NJ : Fleming H . Revell, 1985) , pp. 112-113 .43. Aesop's Fables (New York: Grosset and Dunlap , 1947) , p . 230 .44. Am y Carmichael, Whispers of His Power (Old Tappan, NJ : FlemingH. Revell , 1982) , p. 57.45. Joseph Bayly , Psalms of My Life (Wheaton, IL : Tyndale Hous ePublishers, 1973) , pp. 47-48. Used b y permission .Uo

wJudith Couchma n i s Director o f Produc t Developmen t fo r th ePeriodicals Grou p o f NavPres s an d a free-lanc e writer . Throug hher writing , sh e want s t o "encourag e peopl e t o fin d hel p an dcomfort in a loving and forgivin g God. "Judith ha s publishe d man y time s i n magazine s an d curricu -lum publication s an d formerl y worke d a s th e edito r o f SundayDigest and als o Christian Life. She' s taugh t writin g a t conference saround th e Unite d State s and ha s receive d to p honor s fro m pro -fessional organization s fo r he r wor k i n secondar y education ,religious publishing, and corporate communications .With thi s release, Judith ha s published fiv e books. She hold sa B.S . in educatio n an d a n M.A . i n journalism an d putter s i n he rflower gardens whil e procrastinatin g o n deadlines . Sh e live s i nColorado Springs , Colorado .146