Roundabout Papers - Penn State University

Roundabout Papersgentle reader, and begs to state,” &c.: but “I” is betterand straighter than all these grimaces of modesty: andalthough these are Roundabout Papers, and may wanderwho knows whither, I shall ask leave to maintainthe upright and simple perpendicular. When this bundleof egotisms is bound up together, as they may be oneday, if no accident prevents this tongue from wagging,or this ink from running, they will bore you very likely;so it would to read through “Howel’s Letters” from beginningto end, or to eat up the whole of a ham; but aslice on occasion may have a relish: a dip into the volumeat random and so on for a page or two: and nowand then a smile; and presently a gape; and the bookdrops out of your hand; and so, bon soir, and pleasantdreams to you. I have frequently seen men at clubsasleep over their humble servant’s works, and am alwayspleased. Even at a lecture I don’t mind, if theydon’t snore. Only the other day when my friend A. said,“You’ve left off that Roundabout business, I see; veryglad you have,” I joined in the general roar of laughterat the table. I don’t care a fig whether Archilochus likesthe papers or no. You don’t like partridge, Archilochus,or porridge, or what not? Try some other dish. I am notgoing to force mine down your throat, or quarrel withyou if you refuse it. Once in America a clever and candidwoman said to me, at the close of a dinner, duringwhich I had been sitting beside her, “Mr. Roundabout, Iwas told I should not like you; and I don’t.” “Well,ma’am,” says I, in a tone of the most unfeigned simplicity,“I don’t care.” And we became good friends immediately,and esteemed each other ever after.So, my dear Archilochus, if you come upon this paper,and say, “Fudge!” and pass on to another, I for oneshall not be in the least mortified. If you say, “Whatdoes he mean by calling this paper On Two Children inBlack, when there’s nothing about people in black atall, unless the ladies he met (and evidently bored) atdinner, were black women? What is all this egotisticalpother? A plague on his I’s!” My dear fellow, if you read“Montaigne’s Essays,” you must own that he might callalmost any one by the name of any other, and that anessay on the Moon or an essay on Green Cheese would14