TLW 87 - Nomads Results

Tale of the HARMONIC OMNIARCH (part II of IV)Continuing our reproduction of this excellent story by Nick Ballard, which first appeared inMedleys magazine in 1992... the HARMONIC OMNIARCH has just been captured by theleader of the SULTANIC LUNATICS and his merry men have hatched a daring rescue plan.You can hardly wait, can you?Would this, one of the GRANDEST DRAGNETS of all time, ever reach him? TheHARMONIC OMNIARCH could not wait in an ENTOILED DELETION (which IMPERILS asone grows LIMPSIER); so after finding some ANCHUSIN (a strong dye which UNCHAINSafter it UNSTATES TAUTNESS), he got the help of a SCHLIERE CHISELER, a CORPSMANusing CRAMPONS, and a STAMINAL TALISMAN (one of his CHIEFEST FETICHES is that heLIBRATES BLASTIER explosions), and hatched a plan to escape from one of the seeminglyEXITLESS SEXTILES of the LISTABLE BASTILLE, cunningly using TOEHOLDS in a TOOLSHEDwhich was LINKABLE to the BALKLINE overground. Unfortunately, rock water CLABBERS,so they had to SCRABBLE with an UPTHRUST of THRUPUTS they could use as CRUSTOSESCOUTERS, carefully PRESSING the SPRINGES so as not to be INTERRED in a TRENDIERmanner. UNLOOSED, the last NODULOSE layer of MUDSTONE DEMOUNTS fairly easily,but they felt like SILTIEST ELITISTS and FARCEURS as they each became a SURFACER in turnthrough the PRICIEST PICRITES in the top of this APPARENT TRAPPEAN prison. EachDEPARTEE REPEATED his vow to abolish the PREMORSE of evil EMPERORS.It was then that our hero noticed an OVERIDLE EVILDOER nearby using a LITTORALTORTILLA as bait in AMASSING SIAMANGS - SIZEABLE but SEIZABLE and BEFLEAED butFEEDABLE, and who bared their GHETTOED DOGTEETH as they UNLOADED theirDUODENAL remains, despite their MUTENESS and TENESMUS. On this particular day,INTENSER INTERNES with their PLASMOID DIPLOMAS had SAFARIED in order toFARADISE and, while waiting for a SHIPLOAD of HAPLOIDS, were busy ABLATING aBANGTAIL. He GRIMACED when given a DECIGRAM of a CRATONIC NARCOTIC as aSEDATIVE (this DEVIATES from a TETANOID ANTIDOTE), a CEREBRUM CUMBERERwhich caused a state of ASTONIED SEDATION. What he needed was to have his CURLIESTUTRICLES SIPHONED around his SPHENOID, and SECONDLY have his CONDYLESremoved to help RECOUPLE the OPERCULE. Instead the medics, in a CAPTIOUS andAUTOPSIC fashion, decided to DIAGNOSE this AGONISED critter as a MIGRAINEIMAGINER and an ASSIGNEE of AGENESIS with a RESINOUS NEUROSIS, “an HISTORICcase of ORCHITIS” and they laid him on TEACARTS and started to CASTRATE! Using anOSTIOLAR ISOLATOR to INNOVATE a new VENATION, they INTERCUT with TINCTUREthrough his SCLEROUS CLOSURES and along the GONADIAL DIAGONAL. Along with theBEADIEST DIABETES ever, this procedure alone ENTIRELY caused LIENTERY and ADENITISof the DAINTIES, and was met with TANGIBLE BLEATING and angry ROARINGS from anearby GARRISON.Having become ANTIBOSS while being held in the BASTIONS, the HARMONICOMNIARCH LOITERED by a DOLERITE, and then having disguised himself as RUBEOLARLABOURER, TREATING the GNATTIER skin, as well as the SICKLIED and DISCLIKESCIURINE INCISURE of this poor beast by ridding the ASHINESS of his old HESSIANS andusing a new CLOTHIER type of CHLORITE (of various WHEATENS) to ENSWATHE him. Tokeep his patient UNGALLED at the swollen GLANDULE on his TESTICLE, he distracted himwith a TELESTIC (such TRISEMES will often gently MISSTEER). Then, at the right moment,our hero snuck a RANSOMED horse out from under the MADRONES and guided him to30the much more PLEASANT PLATANES, into a LOCALITY where he could mate COITALLYwith the others. Once having done this good deed, he felt he had truly gone from being anENFRAMED to being a FREEDMAN. Given the RAINIEST INERTIAS, he took manyVITAMINS (saved from earlier NATIVISM), but it was still tough not to OUTWEARY on theROUTEWAY and TERMINAL TRAMLINE on the long journey home.The HARMONIC OMNIARCH BLEARILY but RELIABLY STURDIED himself in theRUDDIEST fashion and PREPARED to be DAPPERER - but alas, what the ex-ruler camehome to was not much better than his exile. The walls of his DEACONRY had becomeCRAYONED with obscenities, MISHEARD and etched onto the SEMIHARD walls inAPLASTIC CAPITALS and MENSURAL NUMERALS by RIFTLESS STIFLERS whoMISWROTE the WORMIEST ideas, MISSPELT even the SIMPLEST words and added theSARKIEST ASTERISK he had ever seen - and all in SANSERIF of little FAIRNESS. It was thenthat he noticed the PEERLESS SLEEPERS in the crowded pews, such as the poorlyTAILORED IDOLATER, snoring while his UNDERAGE girlfriend tried fixing hisDUNGAREE (SPINDLED in a SPLENDID manner, given the PILELESS ELLIPSES of herFAULTIER FILATURE) and PATCHING his NIGHTCAP. But these BEDTIMES wereBEMISTED by SPORADIC PICADORS, who drank MUSCATEL and toked CALUMETS filledwith SMOKABLE ABELMOSK. Though STINGIER IGNITERS, they had ruined theNICENESS of the INCENSES.Turning to the vestry, the angry ex-leader was aghast to see his LEVIRATE RELATIVE, theORGANIST, ROASTING a GULLIBLE BLUEGILL, an UPCOILED CLUPEOID and aTORTOISE with the ROOTIEST herbs (which he was having his SERVITOR OVERSTIR). ThisOVERRUDE DEVOURER, after using his OILSTONE in the LOONIEST way, slicedOXHEARTS, THORAXES and a SANDWORM just like a SWORDMAN, jabbed aSTRAYING STINGRAY with a STEPLIKE SPIKELET, RAGINGLY caught a GRAYLING withhis TIRELESS LEISTERS and sized up a FLUSHING LUNGFISH, UPSTREAM TEMPURASand CAPELANS on a SCALEPAN, as SEAWEEDS SEESAWED in his CRUNODALCAULDRON. His hot oily spices, the SAUCIEST in his SUITCASE, were enough to combatthe ARIDNESS of the SARDINES and to SATURATE the TUATERAS.Couldn’t be clearer, eh? Next issue will reveal more diabolic goings-on in the parish...Some definitions from this part of the story:BANGTAIL – an animal whose tail hair is banged, i.e. with the end tuft squaredCRATONIC – pertaining to CRATON, a part of the Earth’scrustOPERCULE – an anatomical part that serves as a lid orcoverAGENESIS – absence or imperfect development of abodily partRUBEOLAR – pertaining to RUBEOLA, a measles virusABELMOSK – a tropical herbCAPELAN(S) – the same as CAPELIN(S), small edible fishCRUNODAL – geometry, from CRUNODE, the point atwhich a curve crosses itselfSIAMANG(S) – A large black gibbon found in the MalayPeninsulaSiamang31