frasier - one - 4.pdf

frasier season one part foursmall black beetles: the overkillOopsHEARD IT THROUGH THE GRAPEVINECafé Nervosa. Frasier and Niles are there.NILES: So I just had to get out of the house. Maris's JuniorLeague are rehearsing their spring musical - this yearthey're doing “Cats.” The past week and a half I've beenwatching two dozen underweight, tightly-pulled woman inleotards crawling round the music room, meowing. I'mtelling you Frasier, my allergies are acting up.FRASIER: Oh Niles, I think you're exaggerating.NILES: No. No, really. You've no idea how vivid theexperience is. As God is my judge, I swear, Mrs. Presley-Bismouth was scent-marking the divan.FRASIER: God, you'd think women of that age would choosemore suitable material. Remember the last show they did,“The Sound Of Music”? My God, half the Von Trapp childrenwere having hot flashes.Roz and some other people arrive.NILES: Let me guess. The wacky gang from the office?FRASIER: Everyone, this is my brother Niles. This is Teddy,one of our brilliant engineers. This is KACL's inimitable'Chopper' Dave. Your Eye in the Sky for traffic.DAVE: NICE TO MEET YOU NILES!NILES: Why is this man yelling?DAVE: Oh, was I yelling? Oh god, I was yelling again, wasn'tI? I'm sorry, talking over the blades, you know?NILES: This has been kind of fun, but I really have to go.I'm conducting a seminar on multiple personalitydisorders, and it takes me forever to fill out the nametags. (leaves)FRASIER: Well, what is on the agenda for today?page 2

frasier season one part foursmall black beetles: the overkillFRASIER: Yes, and the light at the end of that tunnel is aheat lamp over a large order of fries. We'll be right backafter the news.ROZ: Hey Frasier, I've got to run up to payroll, be back infive.FRASIER: Okay. Oh, hi Father Mike. How you doing?MIKE: Say, I just heard a rumour that somebody 'roundhere is being let go. Do you know anything about that,because to tell you the truth, I'm afraid it might be me.FRASIER: Oh Father. You should know better than to putany stock in idle office gossip.MIKE: I know. But it's hard not to. My numbers have beendown lately, they keep changing my timeslot. I'm reallybummed.FRASIER: Well, listen Father. I don't like to engage ingossip, but you have nothing to worry about. Someone isbeing let go. But it's not you. It's Bulldog.MIKE: Bulldog? Oh, what a shame. Has anybody spoken forhis parking space?FRASIER: Well I have, yes.BULLDOG: (enters) So I'm a goner, huh?FRASIER: Bulldog. Well, how long have you been listening?BULLDOG: Long enough to know I'm the one who's out. Iknew it! Dammit! Now I know why Ned Miller wants to seeme after work. It's to can my butt. I mean, why else wouldhe be willing to miss happy hour at El Pocino's, the man's atotal boozer! And after all I've done for this lousy station,this is how they repay me? Well that's it! Nobody fires BobBriscoe! I'll quit first.FRASIER: Don't do anything rash. Now listen, I suggest youtry to vent your anger first. (Bulldog grabs the mic and rips itin two) Well. There. Way to go. Now, on your way.BULLDOG: You're damn right. (Roz waves at him) No timeto talk, slim, I'm off to war. Wait for me.ROZ: What was that?FRASIER: Bulldog's quitting. Ned Miller is firing him.ROZ: Who told you that?FRASIER: You did.page 5

frasier season one part foursmall black beetles: the overkillROZ: That was just a rumour. You didn't tell him that, didyou?FRASIER: I didn't mean to, he overheard me. C'mon, youguys were so positive, the expense account thing, themeeting with management at five?ROZ: That meeting was to discuss taking his show national,don't you know anything that goes on around here?FRASIER: Apparently not!ROZ: Well don't just stand there. Go call his secretary, she'llstop him before he gets in.FRASIER: I don't believe this, this is incredible, Yes, helloArlene, listen. Bob Briscoe's about to jump into the officeand...oh. God, he's already burst into the office with Miller.Oh god, this is a disaster.ROZ: Maybe not, maybe before Bulldog starts anything Millerwill tell him what the meeting was really about.FRASIER: Well, I suppose you're right. For all we knowthey may be having a good laugh about this right now.BULLDOG: (storms in) I did it! I scorched him! You shouldhave seen the look on his face. Oh, I even told him aboutthe time his wife came on to me at the Christmas party. Isaid there wasn't enough liquor in the world to make mesleep with that porker!FRASIER: You said that to Ned Miller?BULLDOG: Yeah. He even took a swing at me. I ducked andhe hit air!FRASIER: My god, the man tried to strike you? ListenBulldog…BULLDOG: Hey, hey! No sudden moves, doc. I'm still toopumped. I feel like hitting someone. (he leaves)FRASIER: My god, this is unbelievable. A man has quit hisjob just because of a rumour that you spread.ROZ: Me? The whole point of gossip is to talk behind theperson's back, not in front of him. I didn't realise you wereunclear on this concept.FRASIER: I'm a bad, bad man.ROZ: Well Frasier, you have got to do something. You gottacall Ned Miller and get this whole thing cleared up.page 6

frasier season one part foursmall black beetles: the overkillFRASIER: Oh, right. Call Ned Miller. Clear this thing up. Theman is totally unstable, he tried to take a swing at me theday he hired me.DAVE: Oh, just heard a hot rumour! Bulldog quit!FRASIER: No kidding.DAVE: Keep it under your hat! Very hush hush!Frasier's Apartment. Martin opens the door for Niles.MARTIN: Niles, what brings you here?NILES: Well, I was hoping Daphne could take a look at thisplant. I bought it for Maris but it unaccountably turnedagainst her. I though Daphne was the perfect person tonurse it back to health with her loving manner. Is shehere?MARTIN: No, she stepped out. I don't know when she'll beback.NILES: Well, I'm off.MARTIN: You can stay. I haven't seen you for a while, youcan visit. (silence) Look, if you just came to see Daphne, youdon't have to stay.NILES: Dad, I can't believe you would say that. To your ownson. I am deeply insulted. I wanted to have some time withyou but now I'm so upset I'll have to leave.DAPHNE: Oh, hello Dr Crane. Staying for dinner?NILES: Yes, I'd love to. Daphne, I was hoping that you couldcharm this back to life. It's one of Maris's favourites.FRASIER: God. Can you believe this weather?MARTIN: Oh, Frasier. I'm glad you're home. What happenedto Bulldog?FRASIER: Who told you?MARTIN: Nobody told me anything. I tuned into the 'GonzoSports Show' today like I always do, and they had FatherMike filling in. I hate that. All it was was 'Notre Dame,Notre Dame, Notre Dame'.FRASIER: Yes, well, Bulldog gave notice.MARTIN: Oh, no. Why would he do that? He's the topsports guy in town.page 7

frasier season one part foursmall black beetles: the overkillFRASIER: Well, y'know, things just go funny sometimes.It's a tough business, this radio game.DAPHNE: Dr Crane, I'm picking up something from you.You're feeling guilty.FRASIER: Maybe I am.NILES: Daphne, that's fantastic. Do me, do me.DAPHNE: No, I'm on to something here. You actuallythink you're responsible for Bulldog losing his job.FRASIER: All right. There was a rumour going round thestation that Bulldog was going to get sacked, and then… Iwas repeating it to someone and he overheard me and flewoff the handle, went up and quit his job. In the end itturned out that the rumour wasn't true.MARTIN: Now listen here Frasier, if you're responsible forBulldog losing his job, you're going to make this right. Yougotta go down to that station and talk to the boss and get himhis job back.FRASIER: Well that's a little easier said than done. NedMiller is the most intimidating, heartless, mean-spiritedman I've ever had the misfortune to meet.DAPHNE: And he cheats on his wife… My goodness, I'm ontoday.MARTIN: So you're selling Bulldog down the river just 'cosyou don't have the guts to go and face this guy?FRASIER: No. For all we know this might just be the bestthing that ever happened to him. You know, he's alwaystalking about how he should be in a larger market, like LosAngeles, or New York... (Bulldog enters)BULLDOG: Hiya, Doc.FRASIER: Well, what are you doing, just standing there?BULLDOG: I don't know. I was trying to decide whether ornot I should bother you. See, my life is kind of over, butyou got company, so I'll go.FRASIER: No. Come in, it's just family. This is my dad andDaphne Moon.MARTIN: Hey, Bulldog. You're soaking wet.BULLDOG: Yeah, I've been wandering around the streetsfor the last few hours.MARTIN: I heard what happened.page 8

frasier season one part foursmall black beetles: the overkillBULLDOG: You haven't heard the half of it. My girlfriendthrew me out. She said the only reason she was with me wasbecause I was on the radio. Can you believe that? Eightyears we've been together. I loved that woman. Even when Iwas sleeping around, I loved that woman. That job was mylife, and now I've been blackballed in this business, and allbecause of my stupid temper. I might as well face it, I'mjust a loser, I'm a zero, I'm nothing, a hasbeen...DAPHNE: Now, I'm not familiar with your work myself, butMr Crane often puts off his nightly bath just so he can hearyour show.MARTIN: Oh yeah. You're the greatest, Bulldog. If youweren't on the radio, I wouldn't have a radio.BULLDOG: That's a nice thing to say. Now I know whyyour son is such a great guy. I've bothered you peopleenough. I better go. The good rooms at the 'Y' fill up early.FRASIER: Wait. Bulldog, I can't let you leave like this.Here's a twenty. (everyone frowns) Oh, all right. Why don'tyou just spend the night, you can take the couch.BULLDOG: Wow. You'd do that for me?FRASIER: Sure, what's the point of having an expensivecouch if you can't have a bunch of people crashing on it?BULLDOG: Thanks, Doc. Hey, I hope it's okay, but I couldreally use a hot shower.DAPHNE: Down the hall, second door on the left. Towelsare in the cabinet.FRASIER: Now, you two leave me alone. This is not myfault. Look, I am not responsible for Bulldog going up thereand swearing at the boss. You can stare at me 'til you'reblue in the face, I'm not going to see Ned Miller. Oh allright! I'll go down to the station, I will talk to the monster onthe sixth floor and pointlessly attempt to get a man backhis job that I don't even care for, and in the process Iwill probably end up spitting out my teeth. Is thereanything else I can do for you?DAPHNE: Oh. If you're going by the market, we're low ondog-food.Ned Miller's ofice. Frasier knocks on the door.MILLER: Oh, it's you. Crane.page 9

frasier season one part foursmall black beetles: the overkillFRASIER: Look, I don't mean to disturb you, but Arlenewasn't at her desk...MILLER: I had to let her go. A lot of stuff she's been doinglately's been ticking me off.FRASIER: If this is a bad time…?MILLER: No, it's a perfect time, I need you to hold this.C'mon. Now!FRASIER: Oh my lord! What happened here?MILLER: Oh, that psycho Bulldog and I got into it thisafternoon. He threw my Golden Mic at me!FRASIER: Ah, that's sort of why I'm here. I know thatBulldog was up here, and he said some pretty regrettablethings to you.MILLER: I'll say he said some things. You wanna hear them?I tape everything in this office.FRASIER: Well anyway, a lot of what he said was my fault.Well, you see, I heard a rumour that management wasthinking about lightening the load a bit. I heard it wasBulldog that was gonna get sacked and I was repeatingthe rumour to someone and Bulldog heard me. And that'swhy he came up here and started telling you…MILLER: That I'm a drunk. That I'm incompetent at myjob. That my wife is a big, fat slut!FRASIER: That is indefensible! Your wife is not overweight!Well anyway, my point is that I'd like you to reconsidergiving Bulldog his job back. And, whatever theconsequences to me, I'm willing to accept it.MILLER: Look, I won't kid you. Bulldog meant big numbersto us in Drive Time, we need him back. Tell you what. Youget him to apologise to me, oh hell, why don't I just sayit, if he'll kiss my ass, maybe we can work something out.FRASIER: I'm sure that'll make him so happy. Well, I'll justget out of you hair.MILLER: Actually Crane, that rumour about someonebeing let go is true. Now that you've so nobly gottenBulldog his job back, the station still needs to make somecutbacks on those high price salaries. Look, Crane. You'renew to the radio game, I've been around a long time.People get fired. But they always get back on their feet.So. I bet I could get you that drink now?page 10

frasier season one part foursmall black beetles: the overkillFRASIER: Yes, I bet you could.MILLER: Help yourself. (on the phone) Yo, Jack! No what'swrong?... Ah, c'mon. Tell me now... Aha... I see... No, no no,I...I... Thanks, Jack. Excuse me.FRASIER: Bad news?MILLER: Oh, you could say that. I've just been fired.They decided the best way to cut the budget was to getrid of my high salary.FRASIER: Oh Ned, I'm so sorry. I guess this means that myjob is still safe then?MILLER: Yeah. I guess so.FRASIER: Well, y'know Ned, I haven't been in the radiogame that long, but I've been around long enough toknow that people get fired. And when they do they alwaysseem to land on their feet. Now I've known quite a fewpeople and counselled them that have suffered similarsetbacks but in time you will embrace this, learn to thinkof this as a new chapter. You know, in theatrical circles,they always say 'Every exit is but an entrance tosomewhere else'.MILLER: God, I wish I'd fired you when I had the chance!page 11

frasier season one part foursmall black beetles: the overkillDeath Becomes HimFrasier's Apartment. Daphne and Niles come out of the kitchen.DAPHNE: No, really. I've never had a serious boyfriend. Noone'sreally been interested.NILES: Men can be such pigs. (starts making a swan out of anapkin)DAPHNE: It's not that people weren't trying to fix me up.Back in Manchester my mum was steering me towardReginald Glower, the butcher's son. Pasty little thing. Neverdid take to him. I suppose I like my gents more on themanly side. Was that a little swan you made?NILES: No, it was a B-52.FRASIER: Well, Dad's done it again. That was Dr Jenningsoffice on the phone. He's skipped his physical again today.DAPHNE: Why, that little devil. No wonder he didn't wantme to go with him.NILES: Frasier, you know Dad's intense aversion to doctors,you should have seen that he got there.FRASIER: Yes, well I didn't see you volunteering thisafternoon.NILES: Well, I couldn't. I had my 'fear of abandonment'workshop today, and I've already been a no-show twice.DAPHNE: Wait 'til your father gets here, I'll give him such apiece of my mind.Eddie comes bounding out of the bedroom.FRASIER: If only we had some way of knowing if he wasabout to arrive. So. How was your exam today?MARTIN: Oh, you know. Things pretty routine.FRASIER: EKG?MARTIN: Perfect.NILES: Blood pressure?MARTIN: Textbook.page 12

frasier season one part foursmall black beetles: the overkillFRASIER: Hope they took a full blood panel.MARTIN: Oh yeah. Told them to take two. They're small.DAPHNE: Oh, let's give a look. Oh, look at this. A nice bigBandaid. Nice try!MARTIN: Ouch! What did you do that for?DAPHNE: Dr Jennings' office called to reschedule yourappointment. You never showed up today.NILES: Dad, this is ludicrous. Why do you keep avoiding thedoctor?MARTIN: Because I feel fine. I'll go to the doctor when Idon't feel fine. Besides I don't like Dr Jennings. He's got amodel of a colon on his desk, he keeps his tongue depressorsin it.FRASIER: Well, all right dad, fine. If you don't like him, whydon't you go to see my doctor, she's one of the finestgastrointerologists in this city.MARTIN: She? Oh no no. No way. If a doctor's gonna haveme bend over, I want to look through my legs and seewingtips.DAPHNE: Now now, we'll have none of that. We womenhave been poked and prodded by male doctors forcenturies. I say it's high time you gents went to see adoctor of the opposite sex. See how you like waiting in thatroom - sitting there all naked and helpless andgoosebumpy.FRASIER: Niles, surely you could recommend someone?Niles!NILES: I'm sorry, my mind was somewhere else. OH! I knowwho you should see - Dr Gary Newman. His office is in mybuilding, he has a very successful practice, I saw aLichtenstein hanging in his office.MARTIN: Alright. I'll make an appointment, I'll go see him.FRASIER: Oh, now just hang on a second there, mister. Iwill make the arrangements and I will escort you personally.MARTIN: Wonderful. I can't wait.DAPHNE: Oh, stop grumbling. It won't be so bad. Well,unless you have to parade around the office in one of thosegowns where your little bum peeks through the back.page 13

frasier season one part foursmall black beetles: the overkillFRASIER: So Niles, what's Dr Newman's number?... Niles.NILES?NILES: I'm sorry, I must have drifted off again.Dr Newman's waiting room.MARTIN: My appointment was supposed to be half anhour ago, how much longer are we gonna wait for this guy?C'mon Frasier, let's get out of here.FRASIER: Dad, dad, just relax. Read a magazine. Oh, here.Take the Cosmo quiz.MARTIN: (reading) "Are your nipples sensitive?"FRASIER: Would you mind doing that quietly, it's not anoral exam.MARTIN: You haven't seen the second question. Did youused to keep your patients waiting like this?FRASIER: Oh, just the compulsives. It was part of theirtherapy. Relax there, I'll take care of it. (goes to receptionistscubicle) My father Martin Crane had an appointment thirtyminutes ago?RECEPTIONIST: Yes, I'm sorry. The doctor's running alittle late this morning, but you'll be first up when he getsin.FRASIER: When he gets in? My God, where's he comingfrom, Spokane?RECEPTIONIST: Actually he has a long drive in from hisweekend house at Lake Shalonne.FRASIER: Lake Shalonne? Oh, this guy must be terrific! …Dad, relax. He'll be here any minute. You know dad, I wasjust struck by one of life's little ironies. I remember youtaking me to the doctor, and now here I am taking you.MARTIN: Yeah. I remember when I took you for your firsttetanus shot, you were about five or six.FRASIER: Oh boy, was I scared. I remember you holdingmy hand.MARTIN: Yeah. Bent over that table, dropped your littledrawers. When the nurse gave you the shot, you took yourmind off it by reciting the names of all of Puccini's operas.page 14

frasier season one part foursmall black beetles: the overkillRight then I knew you'd never be a cop. Look, I'm serious.I'm not staying any longer, let's go.FRASIER: All right dad, look, I'll check and see if there'ssomeone substituting for him.MARTIN: (to lady) What are you here for?LADY: Lately I've been having this overall sluggish feeling.It's hard even getting out of bed in the morning. Not tomention the cold weather. It's really making my jointshurt. I've started to notice flaking spots on my skin. Whatabout you?MARTIN: I have sensitive nipples.FRASIER: Dad? I'm afraid the doctor won't be able to makeyour appointment today.MARTIN: Oh, that's just great. These big-shot doctors, theykeep you waiting for an hour and then they don't evenhave the decency to show up! What, play a little slow onthe golf course today? That arrogant, inconsiderate jerk!FRASIER: Dad, Dr Newman is dead. He died an hour ago.MARTIN: I'm sure he was a good man.WELL, I'M LOUSY AT TENNIS...The Radio Studio.FRASIER: I mean, there he was, walking down his walkwaythis morning and, he bends over to pick up his newspaperand BANG! he drops dead of a heart attack. It's just... God,you know? I pick up my newspaper every day. And theSunday Times is very heavy, I'm thinking of canceling.ROZ: Well? These things happen.FRASIER: 'These things happen'? Roz, how can you say that?My God, this was not an old man, he was my age.ROZ: What am I supposed to say? I guess I don't think ofthese things like you do. Guess it's because you're forty-oneand I'm not.FRASIER: Don't you ever think about you're own mortality?Don't you ever think about dying?page 15

frasier season one part foursmall black beetles: the overkillROZ: Well, not me dying, but you know what I havethought about lately? I've been dating this older guy, and...what if... you know... We were in bed together and hedropped dead? Well it's not out of the realm ofpossibility. Sometimes he starts breathing very funny and Idon't know if he's having a good time or if I've overexcitedhim to some dangerous level.FRASIER: Someone certainly has a very high opinion ofherself.ROZ: Everybody's good at something.FRASIER: Why is it that whenever we try to have a seriousdiscussion, we end up talking about your sex life?ROZ: Because I have one.A FAMILY MEETINGFrasier's Apartment.FRASIER: Niles, thank you so much for coming at suchshort notice.NILES: Yes, I came as soon as I could, I was in the middle ofmy workout, but I can always pump iron later.DAPHNE: Well, I'll just pop into the kitchen and fix us asnack.FRASIER: Pump iron. Niles, you don't even pump your owngas.NILES: All right. Now what is all this nonsense aboutgetting your affairs in order?FRASIER: Well, this Dr Newman dying at such a young agereally threw me for a loop. I was trying to figure out why,and I finally realized that I hadn't made the properprovisions for my own death.DAPHNE: (entering with a jar of peanuts) Here we go. (Shehas trouble opening the jar)NILES: Oh. Here. Allow me.FRASIER: I've prepared copies for each of you. The locationand numbers of my bank accounts; my safety deposit keys;page 16

frasier season one part foursmall black beetles: the overkillthe number for my attorney... Niles, what are you doing? Oh,give me that! (takes jar and opens it)NILES: (to Daphne) I loosened it for him.FRASIER: Now, the distribution of my personal possessions.DAPHNE: Oh, I really think this is a matter for family only.FRASIER: No, no Daphne, please, I'd like you to stay. I'llcome to you later. Dad, Niles, I'd like you to put your nameson these stickers and place them on any object you'd likebequeathed to you.MARTIN: This is crazy. I'm not going to start putting myname on your stuff.FRASIER: Dad, what happens if I die tomorrow, you andNiles end up in an argument about... well, that Africanmask, for instance?MARTIN: It'll never happen. Niles, you can have it.NILES: I don't want it.DAPHNE: Well don't look at me. I throw a towel over thatthing when you're not home.FRASIER: Okay. Fine. Now we come to the issue of myremains. I've arranged every detail in this easy-to-readbinder.MARTIN: Oh, this is taking it too far, would you look atthis? (reads) 'Burial'; 'Casket'; 'Caterers'?NILES: Who are you using?FRASIER: Michaelson's.NILES: Oh, they're very good. Excellent.MARTIN: Excuse me. Excuse me! Are we about done?FRASIER: Well there is just one more duck to put in therow. I've done some research and I've discovered that mostunexpected deaths occur in the home. And Daphne, this iswhere you come in, the actual finding of the body.DAPHNE: Oh, save the best part for me, eh? Well, that's allright. I'm a health care provider. I've had my fair share ofpatients die on me.MARTIN: That's a comfort.page 17

frasier season one part foursmall black beetles: the overkillFRASIER: Well, perhaps dad's right. Maybe we should justdrop the subject. Well, thank you. This meeting hasactually made me feel better, I think I can handle mymortality a bit better now. Well, enough talk about death.Let's celebrate life with a bottle of Chateau Certair '75.NILES: Oh, no not the '75, I can't let you do that, that's fartoo good for the likes of us.FRASIER: Well, perhaps a bottle of Beaujolais Neuvo wouldbe more appropriate.Niles takes the bottle of '75 and puts a sticker on it.Frasier's Apartment. Frasier is lying on the couch with his fingersin his ears.MARTIN: Frasier, what are you still doing up? Frasier!FRASIER: Dad, please, shhh. I'm trying to listen to myheartbeat. Amazing thing, the human heart, you know it canpump eighteen hundred gallons of blood through it each andevery day, but the tiniest tear in the tiniest part of thetiniest artery and 'poof', you're gone.MARTIN: I thought you were all okay about this stuff now.FRASIER: Oh, so did I. What is the matter with me? Iguess I thought that putting my affairs in order would helpme to deal with this thing, but it hasn't. I can't seem to getover the feeling that no matter how remote the possibility,something could happen to me. Jeez, I'd miss so much. I'dnever get to see my son hit his first home run. It'd be aterrible thing for a father to miss.MARTIN: Tell me about it. Look son, let me tell yousomething. There was this time, a while back, seven oreight of us were on this drug bust. We get the order to gothrough the front door, and the first guy took one. He wasdead before he hit the ground. When you're a cop, you've gotto be able to handle things like that, but I just couldn't getover it. Every time I had to go in a blind alley, or in a darkbuilding, I just froze. And I knew if I kept being afraid todie, I'd never be able to do my job.FRASIER: So what did you do?MARTIN: I just forced myself to forget about it.FRASIER: Just like that?page 18

frasier season one part foursmall black beetles: the overkillFRASIER: Oh yes. Oh, of course. I didn't realise that Gary wasJewish, you see.ALLEN: You're kidding.FRASIER: Well, you know, we were pretty close friends,spent a lot of time together, well never on Friday nights, ofcourse, but maybe I should come back another time.ALLEN: No no, please. I'm sure Julie'd love to know thatyou came. She's right over there.FRASIER: Oh, she looks busy. I can wait.ALLEN: Of course. If you'll excuse me?Frasier lifts black drape to discover a mirror underneath.BOBBIE: May I help you?FRASIER: I didn't realise this was a mirror, I thought thatmaybe you were having an unveiling later.BOBBIE: You're not Jewish, are you?FRASIER: No, no. My ex-wife is though, and so, and thus myson is, which makes me, ah, sort of, well I guess youcould say... no, I'm not Jewish.BOBBIE: We always cover mirrors at a Shiva. So thosegrieving don't have to be concerned with their ownappearances.FRASIER: Ah. Ah well, you look very nice.BOBBIE: Oh, thank you. It's been driving me crazy. I'mBobbie. Gary's aunt.FRASIER: Dr Frasier Crane. My deepest sympathies.BOBBIE: You're the doctor with the radio show, aren't you?Did you know Gary well?FRASIER: Well, yes. Yes, yes I did. Well, there's so muchmore I wanted to know about the man. You see, ah... well oh,I don't know... How was his health before he died?BOBBIE: Excellent. He was never sick.FRASIER: History of heart disease? High blood pressure?High chloresterol? Do you know what his HDL was incomparison to his LDL? I'm sorry. I'm asking too manyquestions. You know how doctors are, always looking for theanswers to the mysteries of life.page 20

frasier season one part foursmall black beetles: the overkillFRASIER: It's about Gary. About how he... Look, I'm sorryI've bothered you. I really just came to offer my sympathies.MRS NEWMAN: Oh, no wait. Dr Crane? I listen to you all thetime, and well maybe you can help me? What would you tellsomeone who called in the show and said they can't getover why someone died? I keep running this over andover in my mind and... I just can't understand howsomeone like Gary, who did everything right, can just die. Ican't make any sense of it.FRASIER: Mrs Newman, I know you'd like me to come upwith some grand answer to this whole thing, but I don'thave one. Someone who consumes nothing but cigarettesand cheeseburgers all his life can live to be eighty three, andsomeone who takes care of himself can die at forty one. It'sunfair. Believe me, there's no explanation for it. Believe me,I've checked. But, I suppose the best we can do is live forthe little joys and surprises life affords us. You can't spendyour life being obsessed with death.MRS NEWMAN: You're not Jewish, are you?FRASIER: No I'm not. Well, thank you for letting me behere today.BOBBIE: Oh, Dr Crane? It was very nice what you said aboutliving life for the little joys and surprises it can give us.FRASIER: Yes. If only I believed it myself.WOMAN: Excuse me? This is clearly the most inappropriatething I've ever done in my life but, I was watching you and Idon't know if I'll ever get the chance to see you again andsomething about you tells me that I'd like to. Here. (gives himher card) If you'd like to get together sometime, give me acall.page 22

frasier season one part foursmall black beetles: the overkillMiracle On 3rd Or 4th StreetTHE OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTYKACL Radio Station. Frasier is finishing off his show, while alively party goes on in the corridor.FRASIER: (on air) Well, I'd like to take this opportunity towish you the very, very best of holidays. Like many of you,I'll be spending the time in the loving embrace of myfamily - which should give us all plenty to talk about inthe new year. Meanwhile this is Dr Frasier Crane, KACL 780,Talk Radio.ROZ: Come on Frasier, there's a gin and tonic out there withmy name on it.BULLDOG: You can tell Father Mike's had a few. He'strying to get everyone to re-enact the Nativity scene.ROZ: Well, we know who we could get to be the ass.BULLDOG: GRRR. I'm wearing her down. (Frasier producesa Christmas gift from its hiding place) Who's that for?FRASIER: It's for Roz.BULLDOG: 'Amazing trick microphone, squirts water'. Nice.FRASIER: It's a gag. We agreed not to exchange gifts.BULLDOG: Listen doc. I'm scheduled to do the noon to fouron Christmas?FRASIER: No.BULLDOG: But doc, my whole family's getting together inChicago for the first time in five years.FRASIER: I am touched, and I don't care.BULLDOG: But my sister and her new baby?FRASIER: Listen Bulldog, my son Frederick is flying intomorrow afternoon to spend the holidays with me. Now,I've never looked so forward to a Christmas since I was…well, your size.DAVE: DID YOU TELL HIM YET, BULLDOG?page 23

frasier season one part foursmall black beetles: the overkillBULLDOG: Okay. You don't have to yell. You're not in thechopper giving us a traffic report.DAVE: I WAS YELLING?BULLDOG: Hey, doc. You know Bonnie Weams, right?FRASIER: Well, I don't actually know her, but she does theauto show, right?DAVE: Right. Bonnie tends to drink a little more than sheshould at these parties, so the newest on-air personalityalways drives her home!BULLDOG: That's you, rookie.FRASIER: Well, that sounds like a good tradition, I'd bedelighted to drive her home.BULLDOG: And she'll be delighted to hear that.ELIZABETH: Merry Christmas, Dr Crane. I baked you somesugar cookies.FRASIER: Oh, how sweet of you. Sweets from the sweet.ELIZABETH: Would you, by any chance, know who'sdriving Bonnie Weams home tonight?FRASIER: Yes, I am. And maybe you can tell me whyeveryone...ELIZABETH: Hey, everybody! It's the doc!FRASIER: Roz, would you mind telling me why everyonebreaks into hysterics whenever I say I'm driving BonnieWeams home? (Roz bursts out laughing) Oh, what is that?!ROZ: Well, Bonnie Weams is kind of an office legend. Shegets a couple of drinks under her belt, and she gets a littleamorous, and she will not take 'No' for an answer.FRASIER: Is that all? Well, I'm a big boy, I can take care ofmyself. Now, listen Roz, Roz, now I know we promised notto, but I couldn't help it, I was out shopping, and...ROZ: Oh, no. Don't worry, I couldn't help myself either.FRASIER: Oh no, really? Oh Roz, you shouldn't have. Thisis just… (opens present, it's an expensive attache case)ROZ: Now it's my turn. (starts opening her gift)FRASIER: Oh, no no no. Maybe, you know, maybe youshould just think about... keeping it under the tree.page 24

frasier season one part foursmall black beetles: the overkillROZ: Oh, me wait to open a Christmas present? Oh my god!It's great! It's great because I'm in radio!FRASIER: That's what I was going for, yes.ROZ: Well, thanks a million, Frasier. Have a happy, happyholiday and I'll see you next week.BONNIE: Dr Crane? I'm Bonnie Weams.FRASIER: Well. Hello. It's a pleasure to meet you. I'll bedriving you home tonight.BONNIE: I'm sorry to put you out.FRASIER: Oh, it's no problem at all. Tell you what, you justgo, enjoy the party, you let me know when you're ready togo.BONNIE: I'm ready now, baby.Frasier's Apartment. Frasier enters with a pile of presents.FRASIER: Hello Niles. What do I owe this occasion?NILES: Oh, nothing. Just stopped by to get an opinion on agift I was considering for Maris.Daphne enters, wearing a tight, black cocktail dress.DAPHNE: Well, it pinches a bit under the arms, but you bethe judge. Shall I put the little red one back on so you canmake your choice?FRASIER: I think Niles has all the information he needs,thank you.DAPHNE: Fair enough.NILES: You know, Maris and Daphne are roughly the samesize.FRASIER: Give or take a foot.MARTIN: Hey, Frasier. Where've you been?FRASIER: Well, after the Christmas party I poured acolleague into a cab, said a quick prayer for the driver,dislodged the wedgie of a lifetime, then went on to do alittle bit of last minute shopping. You know, Santa isgoing to be very, very good to Frederick this year.MARTIN: Oh, by the way, Bulldog called a couple of times.He wanted to know if you'd take his slot on Christmas day.page 25

frasier season one part foursmall black beetles: the overkillFRASIER: I already told him, no. How long will that man nagme? (Martin heads towards the door with a cheap, plasticwreath) Dad, what are you doing with that?MARTIN: I'm gonna hang it on the front door, like I alwaysdo.FRASIER: But it's plastic.MARTIN: Well, of course it's plastic. Do you think a real onewould've lasted since 1967?Daphne enters, carrying the two cocktail dresses.DAPHNE: Here you go. Oh, I'm glad to be out of that blackone. I had to take my undies off just to get the zipper up.(Niles drops his sherry glass) Oh dear, let me get that.MARTIN: (on phone) Hello. Frasier, it's for you. It's the nag.FRASIER: Now, listen Bulldog, I already told you... Oh. Hello,Lilith. Well, maybe I should take this in the bedroom.MARTIN: Niles? Everything's all set for tomorrow, right?NILES: Yes. Maris and I are driving up to the cabin tonight,we'll expect you, Frasier and Frederick tomorrow aroundnoon.DAPHNE: Oh, I wish I was coming with you.NILES: So do I.MARTIN: (hearing Frasier and Lilith arguing) Oh, shut thehell up, will ya?NILES: Daphne, you should come. We have the mostwonderful traditional Christmas, it's an actual log cabin.With actual deer grazing in the snow on our front yard. Ofcourse, Maris fires off her shotgun from time to time toscare them away from our garbage but still, it'senchanting.MARTIN: Yeah. You sure you can't come, Daph?DAPHNE: No, I promised my Uncle Jackie I'd fly down to SanFrancisco to be with him.MARTIN: Well, I guess you should be with your family at thistime of year, it's more traditional.DAPHNE: Except that Jackie's a transvestite. Getting a bitlong in the tooth for it if you ask me. Thanksgiving hepage 26

frasier season one part foursmall black beetles: the overkillate too much turkey and I had to cut him out of hispantyhose.FRASIER: Well, merry Christmas, everybody! Lilith isn'tsending Frederick! Apparently he has this once-in-alifetimeopportunity for an incredible Christmas. A friendof hers has rented a home in Austria.MARTIN: What's the matter with the good old USA?FRASIER: Well, apparently it's the same house that theyfilmed 'The Sound Of Music' in, and that happens to beFreddie's favorite movie, well, Julie Andrews is singing withthe Salzburg Choral, they're having dinner with herafterwards, and some nonsense about a horse drivensleighride through the snow, and a toboggan, and a balloontrip through the Alps, and apparently on their way backthey're gonna spend an entire day at Euro-Disneyland!NILES: Well, up at the cabin, there's an old stump that thelocal children seem to enjoy kicking.MARTIN: You know you have to let him go, don't you?FRASIER: Well, of course I have to let him go. Thank you forpointing out that you know what's right.MARTIN: I was just making sure that you did, that's all.FRASIER: Oh, how would I ever live without you?DAPHNE: Now now, boys, that's enough. Dr Crane, you'rebeing a good father, letting Frederick go.NILES: That's right. It doesn't have to ruin your Christmas.MARTIN: Yeah, c'mon. Let's finish decorating the Christmastree. I brought up the good lights from the storage room.FRASIER: Oh, dad, y'know what, I don't want to use thoselights this year. I picked up these just yesterday. Hey're veryfashionable.MARTIN: Chili peppers aren't Christmas.FRASIER: Well, for that matter, neither are scotch pines orsnow ornaments. For God's sakes, if you want to betechnical, Bethlehem was in the desert.MARTIN: Fine. Why don't we decorate a palm tree?FRASIER: I don't need your sarcasm.MARTIN: But I always use those lights.page 27

frasier season one part foursmall black beetles: the overkillFRASIER: Dad, dad. This is my house, these are mydecorations, just once, could I have just one thing I wantedthis Christmas?MARTIN: Hey, look. Wait a minute. I know you're upsetabout Freddie, but don't take it out on me.FRASIER: Oh fine. Now you're the psychiatrist?MARTIN: Oh, I give up. Go ahead, decorate the thing. Useyour chili peppers!FRASIER: All right, I won't anymore!MARTIN: Use 'em! Maybe we could hang a few radishes, put anice broccoli on top!NILES: I hope you two aren't going to be behaving this wayup at the cabin.FRASIER: Oh, we won't! Because I'm not going to the cabin!MARTIN: What do you mean, you're not going to the cabin?Where the hell are you going?FRASIER: I'm staying right here.MARTIN: Well, you can't stay alone on Christmas.FRASIER: I've decided to fill in for Bulldog. Somebody'llhave a merry Christmas.Radio Station. Frasier and Roz enter the booth.FRASIER: ...when I volunteered to work on Christmas that Iwould ruin your plans for the day, I… please don't be mad.ROZ: Mad? What for? My mother just flew all the way infrom Wisconsin to be here with me today. But instead I'mback in this stinking hellhole on Christmas day, when onlythe loneliest and most depressed people on the planet wouldEVER call in. But look, how nice you made yourself lookfor me.FRASIER: Roz, try to see this thing from my position, Icouldn't see my son, I had a terrible fight with my father, Iwas facing a horrible Christmas, and then I thought y'know,maybe if by trying to help other people through theirtroubles it might get me through mine, and I think if wereally try hard, we can maybe have the best Christmas we'veever had. What do you say?ROZ: Okay. I'm not mad. Get ready.page 28

frasier season one part foursmall black beetles: the overkillFRASIER: I need a hug, just to prove that we're still friends.ROZ: Frasier, I am not hugging you. You're grungy. All right!We're friends. Now get ready, we're on.FRASIER: (on air) Merry Christmas Seattle! Yes, this is DrFrasier Crane coming to you on Christmas day. Christmas,that very magical time of the year, when each moment is asunique as a snowflake, never to be recreated.ROZ: I'm sorry Frasier, the news went over you. You'regonna have to do that again.FRASIER: Merry Christmas Seattle! (later) As we head intoour second hour, I'd like to lighten things up a bit,although Ned, we were certainly glad to hear from you,and how you got mugged on your way home from the soupkitchen. Roz, who's next?ROZ: We have Don on line five, he wants to tell us about thetime he was filled with the Christmas spirit.FRASIER: It's about time! Hello Don.DON: Hello, Dr Crane. Something happened the other daythat sums up why we call this the season of giving. Well, yousee, I was driving home from the gym, and I suddenlyrealized I had left my favorite old pair of sneakers on theroof of the car. So, I look back and there's this homelessguy, and he'd already picked them up, and he's putting'em on, so I just thought, what the hell, and kept ondriving.FRASIER: So your experience of the Christmas spirit wouldbe that you didn't slam the car into reverse, speed backthere, and rip a pair of smelly old sneakers out of ahomeless man's hand? Well Roz, this is special, I thinkwe've got Santa Claus himself on the line!BARRY: (crying) I'm sorry. That was the last time. I'm okaynow, I'm okay. (bursts into tears again) No, I'm not!FRASIER: Barry, I've got to put you on hold for a bit, whileyou pull yourself together, but please, please stay on theline, I'd really like to help you.BARRY: It's alright, I think I've got a hold of myself... (startscrying)GLADYS: ...so you see Dr Crane, I've fallen in the shower somany times, they can't fit any more pins in my hip.page 29

frasier season one part foursmall black beetles: the overkillFRASIER: Gladys, listen, can I put you on hold for a second,there's somebody else I have to check on? How's it goingthere, Barry? (sounds of crying) My sentiments exactly.TOM: …it still traumatizes me, Dr Crane. I wake up nights,and I remember that Christmas morning. I walked into mymothers bedroom, tears running down my face, and I said'Mommy. The puppy Santa gave me... won't wake up.FRASIER: Okay, Tom. You win the prize for the saddestChristmas story we've heard today. Happy holidays. (off air)Roz? Oh, have you been crying, Roz?ROZ: Just for the last hour.FRASIER: Oh listen, why don't you just go home? Honey, Ican take over for the next two hours.ROZ: But you can't do this on your own.FRASIER: Oh, sure I can! Why don't you go home, be withyour mom.ROZ: Wouldn't it be even sadder? With you here all byyourself?FRASIER: I don't think that's possible.ROZ: Well, if you really mean it, I'll go. But Frasier, promiseme one thing? Don't sit here and get more depressed. You'llsee your little boy again soon.FRASIER: I know I will. (on air) Hi, we're back. Well, youknow what? I realize it's been a pretty tough day out therefor most of you, and I'd like to hear now from someonewho's having a good Christmas. You know, someone who'slearned a way to beat the holiday blues. Well, let's takeour first call here. Hello, you're on the air. Hello, Jeff! Well,merry Christmas!JEFF: Well merry Christmas to you. I used to get depressedon Christmas. And then I found a sure fire way to beat it.I'd pop my favorite movie, 'The Sound Of Music' in the VCR.Watching Julie Andrews lead those adorable little tykesthrough the streets of Salzburg, nobody could be depressed, Imean nobody!FRASIER: Jeff, are you a betting man? (later) Well, we're justabout out of time. My my, this day has flown by. I'd like towish all of you revelers out there a merry Christmas, and forthe rest of you, why don't you go out and treat yourself topage 30

frasier season one part foursmall black beetles: the overkillsomething special. Personally, I'm going to go get myself ameal at one of Seattle's fine eateries. I don't know where,but I promise you one thing, it'll have a liquor license. Justkidding. Don't drink and drive. This is Dr Frasier Crane,KACL 780 Talk Radio.MIRACLE ON THIRD OR FOURTH STREETA DinerWAITRESS: Merry Christmas. Welcome to Lou's.FRASIER: Thank you. I'm sure glad you're open, all the otherplaces in town are either closed or are all booked up.WAITRESS: That's what makes us so special. I can bringyou a menu, but almost everybody's having the Christmasplatter. That's a turkey log with mashed potatoes, then yulelog for dessert.FRASIER: How much more appetizing food alwaysbecomes when you add the word 'log'. I'll just have theChristmas platter.WAITRESS: PLATTER! (waking up a guy sitting next to Frasier)TIM: How you doing? Are you having a merry Christmas?FRASIER: Well, now that you ask, no I'm not. Can't be withmy son, had a terrible argument over something stupid withmy father... That's why I'm alone. How about you?TIM: Pretty good actually. Just yesterday, I was crossingthe street, and this beautiful pair of sneakers flew off theback of the car, and landed on my feet!BILL: Hey Tim. Merry Christmas.TIM: Hey Bill, same to you. Glad you could make it.BILL: Well I wouldn't miss this. Hey, how's that turkeyplatter? Good as last year's?FRASIER: I'm not sure this isn't last year's. Listen, I'm donehere, why don't you go ahead and take this seat?BILL: Jeez, thanks palFRASIER: You bet. Excuse me miss, something ratherembarrassing has just happened, I seem to have lost mywallet.page 31

frasier season one part foursmall black beetles: the overkillWAITRESS: You mean you can't pay!FRASIER: Oh no, I can pay, I must have just left it at theoffice. Well, I can just go back there and get it.TIM: Hey Lou. It's all right. This one's on me.FRASIER: Oh no. You don't understand. You see, I...TIM: It's ok, buddy, we've all been there.FRASIER: Yes, but you see, I really did misplace my wallet.TIM: I know you did, and Bill here misplaced his Wall Streetportfolio. Here Bill, help me out. Hey everybody. People.C'mon, let's help the poor man get a nice Christmas dinner.Even pennies. It doesn't matter.FRASIER: Please, you don't understand. I make a verydecent living. I really do. This is not necessary. Well Imust say I've never been so touched in my life. To thinkthat you people would give up your money, which you canhardly afford, to help out a fellow human being. I'm justso embarrassed.TIM: Don't be embarrassed. Look at it this way. The rest ofthe year belongs to the rich people, with their fancy houses(points to Frasier's BMW) expensive foreign cars, butChristmas? Christmas belongs to guys like us.FRASIER: Right. Well, I will never forget this Christmas.Thank you. Thank you all.Frasier walks out, and ducks down beneath to crawl into his car.WAITRESS: Hey. Did somebody lose a set of car keys?Frasier crawls out of his car and enters the diner again.TIM: Hey. We're not buying you dessert.FRASIER: No you see, I forgot to wish you a merryChristmas.TIM: Hey Bud. Since you're here (gives Frasier a dime) Go callyour old man.FRASIER: Thank you. I think I will.page 32