Ready or Not: Questions to Help You Decide - The Cradle

Ready or Not: Questions to Help You DecideBy Dixie van de Flier Davis, Ed. D. - Rocky Mountain Adoption Exchange"Five, 10,15, 20," we sang out to playmates. “…55, 60,65…Ready or not, here I come!"Life passes, ready or not. It isn't easy to decide whatcourse to take when people all around are giving advice.Others seem to be part of the action; or look as if theyknow what they are doing.How do you know if you're ready or not to adopt? Hereare some questions to ask yourself as you explore thisfamily-building option.Are you ready to let go of the hoped-for child? Youknow the one I'm referring to – that perfect blend of thebest traits of you and your partner. Adopting a childdoesn't replace the baby you lost or never had. It can fillthe spot of a hoped-for family member, however.Have you abandoned the dream of conceiving andgiving birth?Adopting isn't the same as giving birth. Some say thatthey become so involved in parenthood that they forgettheir child was adopted. They don't claim that adoptionsatisfies the biological or psychological need to bear achild. But it can satisfy the wish to share the life of achild, to bear the responsibility of day-to-day parenting.Are you through with anger and blame?Adoption begins with loss. It is normal to be angry aboutour losses. The adopted child has experienced primal lossthat spans generations. The birth parents have been cutoff from their children, and the rich heritage of theextended family is lost to the child and the child to thatfamily. And you have lost the baby you longed for. It isn'tfair.Many of us grew up with the expectation that we wouldget an education, fall in love, get a job, marry and have ababy, in that order. When reality doesn't comply, it comesas a surprise – perhaps an unwelcome surprise that makesus angry. But carrying that anger into the creation of afamily is like building a house on ground that has theremnants of an old house on it. We have to clear the land,destroy the old dream before creating another.The adoption process will involve some absurdities andfrustrations. Strangers will offer unsolicited, uselessobservations. Like the hide and seek player, you need tofind your own place amid the chaos.Can you say good-bye to guilt?Something you did, or imagine you did, can lead you tobelieve your own mistakes caused your childlessness.Parenting from a place of guilt can lead to secrecy anddissatisfaction. After you take the time to forgiveyourself, you will find energy to invest in what is, ratherthan continuing to invest energy in what was or mighthave been. What is can be as wonderful as what mighthave been. It is different. And it is also wonderful in itsown way.Are you willing to say farewell to the fantasy of being incontrol?Chances are, you and your partner are successful people.You’ve reached your goals, made adjustments. Untilnow. Adoption is not a solitary choice. You and yourpartner can’t do it alone. Lots of people will get involvedin your life if you adopt. Doctors, attorneys, socialworkers and birth parents ask questions and makedemands. Often you’re not in charge of the process.Do you still want to be like every other family?Your adopted child is different from the time he/sheenters your family because that child has two sets ofparents. That makes you different, too. Adopting is alifelong journey you choose to take with a child, a choiceto intertwine your family with another. This other familyis likely to be quite different from yours.If you choose open adoption, you will be challenged tounderstand, to allow others to intrude into your space, toset reasonable boundaries. You will need to feel goodabout your place in these families and about the othermembers of the constellation so you can raise your childto feel good about herself/himself. You’re not justcommitting to a baby, you’re committing to a family thatyou may or may not grow to like.Will a baby make you happy?Sometimes having a baby becomes an all-consumingfocus. The loneliness of holidays without children and thesight of an empty crib can eat away at one's sense of self.It is easy to delude oneself that a baby will ease tensionsin a marriage or define one's status. Adopting doesn’tbring happiness: being happy is a prerequisite.Reprinted with permission of RESOLVE of Colorado. This article originally appeared in the 1995 August-October newsletter.

What do you expect the baby to be like?Adopting is not about having a baby; it's about raising achild. They do not stay babies very long. Soon enoughthey are growing into little people with geneticpredispositions, temperaments, learned attitudes. What doyou imagine that will be like for you? How do you feelwhen you imagine living this out over the years?How do you define “woman,” “husband,” “wife,”“family”?Are you still a woman if you don’t have a baby? Can yoube an adequate husband if you are infertile? Each of uscreates our own definitions of man, woman, husband andwife as we live and contribute to our families. You mustdefine these for yourself; what works for others might notwork for you.Do you know what love is?Love is not a feeling that comes over a person,psychiatrist/author Scott Peck says in his book The RoadLess Traveled. He says love is a committed, thoughtfuldecision. He contends that love is directing attentiontoward our own and another's growth. It involves settingaside prejudices, frames of reference and desires, toexperience as much as possible the loved one's world. Itmeans extending ourselves into unfamiliar territory,taking action in spite of fear.Genuine love requires us to see the other as having atotally separate identity, separate from ourselves. In fact,love seeks to cultivate the individuality of the otherperson – even at the risk of separation or loss.Children most need parents who know how to love thatway. Many parents (whether by birth or adoption) fail toappreciate the uniqueness of their children. They regardtheir children as extensions of themselves. If you areconsidering adoption, you are already contemplatingwhat it means to genuinely love another.This brings us to one last question:Do you choose to make the commitment to love a childconceived and born by others? There are things you willnot know about your child, a part of his/her life youcannot share. You will not be able to choose the genepool or the influences in utero. You cannot control thecircumstances surrounding the relinquishment. This willbe a totally separate individual from a different familytree.You can decide to commit to loving and nurturing thechild. You can commit to cultivating his growth into hisown destiny. Not only will you make a decision to shareparenthood with strangers, in the case of an openadoption, but also you may be choosing to love thosebirth parents as well.Ready or not? In making a thoughtful decision onwhether to adopt, you make a commitment to your owngrowth. You resist the temptation to fill a role onceoccupied by another, and you find your own place.Dixie van de Flier Davis is the founding director of TheAdoption Exchange, which connects waiting childrenwith adoptive families. She was a psychotherapist formany years.Reprinted with permission of RESOLVE of Colorado. This article originally appeared in the 1995 August-October newsletter.