Resolving Family Conflicts

Family Feuds: Collaborating toResolve Family ConflictsAs much as family members may love oneanother, conflict is an inevitable part of life: afterall everyone has differing needs, wants andbeliefs. Though dealing with family conflicts canbe challenging, resolving issues in aconstructive way is not only essential for theemotional health of everyone involved, it’s alsovital to the well-being of your family as a unit.Resolving conflict depends on mutual respectand willingness to find solutions everyone canlive with.Keep relations with your relatives positive andcreate a more harmonious family dynamic by:Taking a closer look.Fights often fall into a pattern. Are you andloved ones engaging in the same conflicteveryday? Is there a time of day whenarguments tend to arise? How serious are thedisagreements? Perhaps smaller squabbles canbe resolved with a simple change in routine orby making sure family members aren’t hungry,tired, or feeling pressed after work or school.Broaching the subject.Before going head-on with others in your familyabout something that’s bothering you, take astep back and think about the issue and yourposition. Make sure you can clearly state thesource of the conflict as you see it. Why is it aggproblem? Is the situation itself a challenge or isit your feelings that are problematic? Don’texpect to come to any resolution in the heat ofthe moment – arrange a time when everyoneinvolved can come together to discuss the issuecalmly and productively.Clarifying the issue.One way to deal with an impasse is foreveryone involved to get together to discuss thenature of the problem as they see it, includinghow it affects them and how they contribute toit. Be sure to pay close attention to your tone ofvoice and choice of words. If the discussionbegins to heat up, take a break and come backwhen everyone has a calm, open mind. Themore you’re able to stay in the present andavoid finger-pointing or re-opening old wounds,the more potential you have for successfulconflict resolution.Listening.Whatever the reasons for the conflict, differentstyles of coping and communicating also factorinto resolving tension. For conflicts to beresolved, everyone needs to feel they are reallybeing heard. Listen with respect and try tounderstand what is being said. Avoiddefensiveness and interruption. A parent ormoderator may want to take notes to keep upwith points of agreement and disagreement asthey arise.

Brainstorming solutions.Once you’re talking about an issue that’scausing conflict, and everyone’s shared theirperspective, work together to draw up a long listof all the solutions you can imagine. Don’tanalyze them just yet: instead write down all thepossibilities. Then go around again and geteveryone’s opinion on which solution eachperson thinks is the most reasonable and why.This should narrow down the possibilities andhelp you come to a fair solution everyone canlive with.Getting a commitment.For a chosen solution to work, the familymembers involved will need to commit to thechosen path, and decide what he or she will doto help make the solution work. Agree onresponsibilities, consequences and limits for theactions required. Have one last go aroundwhere each person states what he or she isresponsible for, making sure that everyone feelsthey have been heard and has a solidunderstanding of the source of the conflict.Following up.It’s important to check in with everyone at a laterdate about how they’re feeling about thechallenge faced. Does the family feel thesolutions are going well? Fine-tuning is alwayspossible. If the conflict is still raging without aresolution in sight, it may be time to seeksupport from your Employee AssistanceProgram (EAP) or other outside professionalhelp. Sometimes an outside third-party canprovide a fresh perspective on the situation.Resolving conflict depends on mutual respectand willingness to find solutions everyone canlive with. By making the effort to get to thebottom of a family conflict maturely and calmly,you’ll increase communication and cooperation,build trust and mutual support and,above all, help create a more peaceful familydynamic.Need more information on resolving familyconflict? Your Employee Assistance Program(EAP) can help. You can receive supportthrough a variety of resources. Call your EAP at1 800 387-4765 for service in English,1 800 361-5676 for service in French.© 2009 Shepell·fgi, a division of HRCO Inc.This content is meant for informational purposes and may not represent the views of individual organizations. Please call your EAP or consult with a professional for furtherguidance.