Diary of a Break up-Break down.pdf - Alex Broun

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4imagine you can go further down than you currently are but youʼre sureyouʼre about to find out just how that is possible. You see her newrelationship status on Facebook. You feel like you just got hit in thehead with a sledge hammer.Day 8: You try to think of all the bad things about her. You try and thinkof some more. You give up when all you can think of is sheoccasionally wore quite unflattering mauve knickers.Day 9: You wish youʼd stop waking up at 4.30am thinking about herand what if you did this and she did that. You try not to imagine herlying in bed with him. Her head resting on his chest, slowly rising andfalling with his breathing. His hand gently stroking her hair. You try tostay busy. You wonder if cutting your toenails repeatedly is classed asbusy.Day 11: You remember how you once drank 25 tequila slammers andlived. You wonder if you did it again if you might die. You think at thismoment that dying might not be such a bad thing. This whole deaththing seems to get a very bad rap.Day 12: You think about crushing your head in a vice. At least if youcrushed your head in a vice the pain would momentarily distract youfrom the pain in your chest. At least for a little while. Or maybe youcould cut off your left arm. No, your right. Youʼve always been ratherfond of your left arm.Day 13: See Day 7.Day 14: You thought things would start to get better by now. Theydonʼt. This may also have something to do with the fact that today isher birthday. You try not to think of a birthday dinner with him.Presents, kisses, laughter. You fail. You picture her taking him to havedinner with her family on her birthday. You want to get a gun and blowyour brains out. Then at least you wonʼt be able to think about her.Day 15: You congratulate yourself on getting to Day 15. Is it only Day15 ? You count again. Bugger. Not as painful a day – but sadder.Sadness mixed with hot flashes of anger. Anger is good – it means youare getting better.Day 16: When you are doing your exercises you imagine themtogether. The surge of pain and anger makes you exercise harder. Youare happy you found at least one good thing out of their gettingtogether. You congratulate yourself on this. You suddenly feel quiteweird. You resolve not to think about them again while you areexercising.
5Day 17: You wonder if it would be easier if sheʼd decided just not to bewith you and was alone rather than knowing sheʼs with someone else.You decide itʼs much more painful knowing she is with someone else.You read her Facebook page again. Bad idea. In a note to a friend shewrites: " Am ridiculously and madly in love - must catch up soon dude!"This is a slight setback. A wave of red hot emotion surges through yourbody like acid. You feel like you are right back on the first morning-after– raw and bleeding. You also feel a touch angry you are feeling all thisabout someone who uses the word ʻdudeʼ.Day 18: You go over in your head the conversation you will have withher one day when you run into her at the supermarket, In front of thefrozen peas. You realise this is completely pointless. You go over itsome more. You thought you knew what ʻEmotional painʼ was. You donow.Day 20: You think about buying a steam roller. If you bought a steamroller and you got someone to run you over with it seventeen times –would you still feel like this ? You remember the friend who urged younot to run from these feelings. To face them: “Feel it head on.” Ohyouʼre feeling it – youʼre feeling it big time.Day 21: You think about her most in the morning. No – you think abouther most at night. No – you think about her most in the afternoon. Or itcould be when you wake up in the middle of the night from a dreamabout her. You decide to call it a tie.Day 22: A surprisingly tough day. Isnʼt this meant to be getting easier?You find itʼs the fun you had together you miss the most. You try toconvince yourself itʼs all for the best. You fail. You try again.Day 23: You have a bit of a nothing day … This is slightly better than aʻgoddambloodyawfuldayʼ.Day 24: You listen to every depressing song ever written. You find TheSmiths, Joy Division and Billie Holiday especially good for this purpose.You find yourself listening to Whitney Houston – ʻThe greatest love islearning to love yourself.” Oh really Whitney? And is that what you toldyourself when Bobby Brown “smacked your bitch up”? You come upwith a new plan : youʼll be the best of friends. Youʼll all go out to dinner– you, him and her. Youʼll drink lashings of red wine and hear howwonderful he is and how fantastic she is – and how theyʼre so happythey are together … You decide to come up with another new plan.Day 26: You wonder what sheʼs doing now. And now. And now. Youʼrelife feels very empty without her. You try to plug up the hole with otherthings – food, alcohol, videos, masturbation. You are not particularlysuccessful in this endeavour.
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