REVELATION-final1

ut not the moon itself. It is strange to have such a bright and star-filled night sky, yet moonless. Just as oddis the realization that true joy is not possible without hardship. I fall asleep looking up and probing in.***He appears inside the tent; no, closer, inside my head, inside my soul, like a slender angel of light, like asudden electric shock. I am startled, blinded, frightened. His hands, more elongated and younger than Iremember them, are crossed in an attitude of pious repose or mute prayer while the index fingers are barelytouching his lips, as one absorbed in silent contemplation. (This apparition, you must understand, wasinstantaneous, without admonition, warnings, portends.) There is light all around him. He is light and loveand emanates both love and light with an unbearable luminosity of being and then his eyes fall on me, myfather’s kind eyes are unraveling the depths of my soul with the ease of unfolding a scroll and penetrates tothe very core of my being, seeing all I had not seen, not wanted to see or pretended not to see. He plunges hisgaze into my very nature to become origin of my nature. The light that envelops him and which is envelopedin him leaps into me and thereafter sustains itself. Light, divine light – as all light is; love, divine love – as alllove is; now concentrate their rays and waves of lovelight into a single mirror to etch itself with its entire codeof truth, its infinite entirety and not just the essence into my fragile soul, which, being of flesh and blood, cansustain the cataclysmic force of impact for only a fraction of a second; a fraction of a second that threatens todisintegrate me. It is all too quick, instantaneous; too painful, but of an unknown and unqualifiable pain; andtoo ecstatic to either comprehend or quantify. All I can do, all I have time to do, all I have the strength to dois to react instinctively, irrationally, and instantaneously by jumping up and running out of the tent in oneimpossibly brisk and fluid motion, lightning fast, liquidly fluid, unhindered-by-anatomy-fast and then just assuddenly, just as uncontrollably, just as frighteningly to burst into tears and weep like an infant in an instant.I emerge from sleep not as from a viscous hologram or visceral hallucination, but as from the clearest ofrealities; so much so that the fantastic nightscape I now see with my opened and astounded eyes strikes me asbeing a delirious dream now that I’m awake. Above me the sky is as unperturbed and star-filled as when I fellasleep. Wherever I turn I am surrounded by spectacular beauty – beauty beyond words and beyond thepossible – but the greatest beauty of all resides within me. On the outside I’m tense, agitated, incredulous,and I tremble, but inside there is peace and calm and quietude of the kind I have never known before; peaceso powerful that it tears me apart like war, like shrapnel; pain so sharp that it satisfies like pleasure, like water;insight so deep that it confuses like falsehood, like betrayal; tranquility so complete that it equals furor, andchaos. I shiver like a leaf, I burn like a flame, I shiver and burn with soul-rending pain, the pain of love. I ammoved to the core, which has melted and has been reconstituted. I weep for my father, overwhelmed by thelove with which he touched me, which he gave me, which he instilled in me. All that pure love in all itsimmensity, in all its eminence, welled up and now released, lost and now found, given and taken andhomegrown now overflows me like a river in spring. I am the wellspring and the world is my delta. I am inthe limelight of lovelight under the starlight and it is all unbearably heavy, unbearably light, unbearablyfreeing, unbearably trapping, unbearably bearable is the unbearable light. I spill over with love: the love of myfather, the love of a friend, the love of a lover, the love of a child; love, pure love, love indescribable andunclassifiable love; love gained, love lost, love altered, love unrecognized; omnipotent, omniscient,omnipresent love. Love so pure and all pervasive it clarifies its object and its subject, it clarifies what I ammade of, made from, and made for. It clarifies what sustains me and what sustains all and everything. Loveso strong it calls forth longing for my beautiful father. I look to the stars for him and call him back. I wantto know why? Why he came to me from the beyond? Why, father, why? What is the message? What is themeaning? I look at the islands in the starlight and at the sea in the moonlight, but find him nowhere save forinside of me, in the lovelight. I put my arms around me and hold him, hold the piece in me that is from him;so much in me is from him, so much in me is him. And the longing subsides in love and in tears only to bejolted anew by the source-less intimation: live on love alone, from a soundless voice resounding in the fiber ofmy being. Have I heard right? Have I even heard it? Have I understood right? I want confirmation. I needvalidation. I ask out loud for verification! I scream into the night sky for authentication!! I am desperate forsubstantiation!!! And then the words, the same words, the same admonition, live on love alone, live on lovealone…127