Notes from the Underground - Penn State University

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Notes from the Undergroundaside to make way for generals, for officers of the guards andthe hussars, or for ladies. At such minutes there used to be aconvulsive twinge at my heart, and I used to feel hot all downmy back at the mere thought of the wretchedness of my attire,of the wretchedness and abjectness of my little scurryingfigure. This was a regular martyrdom, a continual, intolerablehumiliation at the thought, which passed into an incessantand direct sensation, that I was a mere fly in the eyesof all this world, a nasty, disgusting fly—more intelligent,more highly developed, more refined in feeling than any ofthem, of course—but a fly that was continually making wayfor everyone, insulted and injured by everyone. Why I inflictedthis torture upon myself, why I went to the Nevsky, Idon’t know. I felt simply drawn there at every possible opportunity.Already then I began to experience a rush of the enjoymentof which I spoke in the first chapter. After my affairwith the officer I felt even more drawn there than before: itwas on the Nevsky that I met him most frequently, there Icould admire him. He, too, went there chiefly on holidays,He, too, turned out of his path for generals and persons ofDostoyevskyhigh rank, and he too, wriggled between them like an eel;but people, like me, or even better dressed than me, he simplywalked over; he made straight for them as though therewas nothing but empty space before him, and never, underany circumstances, turned aside. I gloated over my resentmentwatching him and … always resentfully made way forhim. It exasperated me that even in the street I could not beon an even footing with him.“Why must you invariably be the first to move aside?” Ikept asking myself in hysterical rage, waking up sometimesat three o’clock in the morning. “Why is it you and not he?There’s no regulation about it; there’s no written law. Let themaking way be equal as it usually is when refined peoplemeet; he moves halfway and you move half-way; you passwith mutual respect.”But that never happened, and I always moved aside, whilehe did not even notice my making way for him. And lo andbehold a bright idea dawned upon me! “What,” I thought,“if I meet him and don’t move on one side? What if I don’tmove aside on purpose, even if I knock up against him? Howwould that be?” This audacious idea took such a hold on me44
Notes from the Undergroundthat it gave me no peace. I was dreaming of it continually,horribly, and I purposely went more frequently to the Nevskyin order to picture more vividly how I should do it when Idid do it. I was delighted. This intention seemed to me moreand more practical and possible.“Of course I shall not really push him,” I thought, alreadymore good-natured in my joy. “I will simply not turn aside,will run up against him, not very violently, but just shoulderingeach other—just as much as decency permits. I willpush against him just as much as he pushes against me.” Atlast I made up my mind completely. But my preparationstook a great deal of time. To begin with, when I carried outmy plan I should need to be looking rather more decent,and so I had to think of my get-up. “In case of emergency, if,for instance, there were any sort of public scandal (and thepublic there is of the most recherche: the Countess walksthere; Prince D. walks there; all the literary world is there), Imust be well dressed; that inspires respect and of itself putsus on an equal footing in the eyes of the society.”With this object I asked for some of my salary in advance,and bought at Tchurkin’s a pair of black gloves and a decentDostoyevskyhat. Black gloves seemed to me both more dignified and bonton than the lemon-coloured ones which I had contemplatedat first. “The colour is too gaudy, it looks as though one weretrying to be conspicuous,” and I did not take the lemoncolouredones. I had got ready long beforehand a good shirt,with white bone studs; my overcoat was the only thing thatheld me back. The coat in itself was a very good one, it keptme warm; but it was wadded and it had a raccoon collarwhich was the height of vulgarity. I had to change the collarat any sacrifice, and to have a beaver one like an officer’s. Forthis purpose I began visiting the Gostiny Dvor and after severalattempts I pitched upon a piece of cheap German beaver.Though these German beavers soon grow shabby andlook wretched, yet at first they look exceedingly well, and Ionly needed it for the occasion. I asked the price; even so, itwas too expensive. After thinking it over thoroughly I decidedto sell my raccoon collar. The rest of the money—aconsiderable sum for me, I decided to borrow from AntonAntonitch Syetotchkin, my immediate superior, an unassumingperson, though grave and judicious. He never lent moneyto anyone, but I had, on entering the service, been specially45
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Notes from the Underground - Penn State University

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