\s mYevtew KALEIDOSCOPE - University of British Columbia

BOOKS IN REVIEWing. Or reading. That should make anend on't. Dr. Johnson had the luxury ofblunt and honest dismissal, but modernreaders demand an explanation for thatdismissal. Besides, such statements generallystimulate rather than dampen interest;read on at your leisure for therationale, and for some judicious quotations.Opening Eric Nicol's Canadide putsoff the palate: " 'MAY THE BLUEBIRD OFHAPPINESS NEST IN YOUR PUBIC HAIR,'murmured Mavis. . . she fell asleep.Mavis had come eight times (six confirmed,two probable). That I had satisfiedher was evident: her snoring had arich vibrato that I recognized as plenitude."Nicol's opener won no annualworst opening sentence prize, but itmight at least have merited an honourablemention. That "honourable mention"sentence begins the wanderings ofMartin Richard [or is it Richard Martin?],"a name both anglophone andfrancophone," his "single most importantqualification for a career in the publicservice of Canada." From Richard's [oris it Martin's?] being bribed into theCivil Service, the novel follows themuddled and silly path of his specialservicing of the bureaucracy and of severalwomen. Eventually tiring of his rolein the SS (Special Services) MartinRichard finally pulls out of the Civil Servicewhen he beshits himself in a fortuitousthunderstorm on Vancouver's WreckBeach while helping Mary plant sandgrass to prevent the insidious erosion ofthe sandstone cliffs: "Fortunately it wasa small, integrated turd, and I was ableto shake it down my pant leg, into theplanting hole, while my companion resumeddigging. It was the closest I haveever come to a religious experience." It'sbad — cover to cover. Mary and Martinlive together from that day forth tendinggardens and doing good. This book ismeant, seemingly, to be ironic, satiric,and funny. But it is only tired. The satirenever comes off; you may lift the lid atyour own discretion.Bad as Nicol's book might be, KennethDyba's The Long (And Glorious) Weekendof Raymond (And Bingo) Oblonghis even worse. The technical term forover-fermented wine has to be "putrid,"and over-fermenting occurs when thebubbling, swirling, fermenting mustbreaks down and decomposes into noisomestuff with rising fumes. This bookis filthy fantasy. Raymond is a 340-poundmamma's boy who at the age of 44 finallygoes downtown on the long Thanksgivingweekend with his 17-year-old dog Bingoin search of adventure and his lost love,Alberta Rose. He discovers a "bizarrecarnival of decadent debauchery" — agracious understatement taken from theblurb on the back cover. Raymond meetsMr. Alice, "a finely-feathered transvestite"who introduces Raymond to thesado-masochistic machinations of thebutch, the geek, the bulldog, the egyptian,and the power struggle between thevotaries of emasculated Ike Big Balls,owner of the Paradise Gardens nightclub,and his arch-rival, the emasculator,Princess Winter and her Butch Brigadefrom the Winter Palace. What follows istormenting mayhem out of the gayfantasticworld of S & M, complete withlurid descriptions of grubby, greedy, engorging,gagging gobbling, topped offwith a variety of demented buggeries andbutcheries climaxed by the gang-rape ofAlberta Rose.To be fair, Dyba's language has energy,but it is the energy of the open sewer,dropping downhill. Across the back coverof this book are printed three colourcodedwords, apparently quoted fromother critical reviews: "Erotic ..." "Disgusting..." "Unforgettable..." Neithererotic nor unforgettable is criticallyaccurate. Well, one out of three ain'tmuch, even if that one is right-on-dead-180