Volume 7 – And Then He Kissed Her - The Woody Back to School Unit

Volume 7And Then He KissedHerR HumphriesWoodettes Publications

Published 2010byWoodettes PublicationsHouston, Texas, USA© Woodettes Publications 2010R Humphries has asserted his right to be identified asthe author of this work with all rights reservedincluding the right of reproduction in whole or in partin any form.The Library of Congress has catalogued this edition asfollows Humphries, R [date]And Then He Kissed Her : a novel by R Humphries[Application Pending]1st Ed.ISBN – [Application Pending]www.woodettes.wordpress.com

Author’s NoteThis is a work of fiction. Names, characters,places and incidents are either the product of theauthor's imagination or are used fictitiously. Anyresemblance to actual events or locales or persons,living or dead, is entirely coincidental.The stories based at the Woody Back to SchoolUnit are works of adult fiction based upon the real-lifefantasy games played by the author, R. Humphriesand his wife, the inimitable Jojo.It is the author’s intent to create the WoodyBack to School Unit as an imaginative world peopledwith a believable cast and set in familiar surroundingswithin which the readers will become comfortable.The vernacular used in the stories is acombination of the phraseology derived from writingsuch as the British penny comics from the nineteenthirties, current language, slang and idioms, and theinvented parlance known as Woody Jargon.As such references to ‘beating’, ‘thrashing’, and‘flogging’ have no context to the use or avocation ofphysical violence, with the exception of controlledcorporal punishment, against the characters of thestories.

DedicatedtoMy Beloved Jojo

ContentsJojo Embarks on a Challenge .................... 1No Value Whops ........................................... 5Bad Day to Rubbish a Pre .......................... 9Vendetta ....................................................... 13Meltdown ..................................................... 17Red-Card ...................................................... 21The Return of Debs Morton ..................... 25Confirmation of a Legend ........................ 29A Harsh Call ................................................. 33The Longest Beating.................................. 37Bring Me the Morton Special ................... 41Patty Needs an Ice-Pack .......................... 45The Recovery Period ................................. 49Pace and Accuracy ..................................... 53Madame Diderot ......................................... 57Miss Lisa Sutton ......................................... 61These Bumbags are Out! .......................... 65Gotcha .......................................................... 69Patty Kvetches ............................................ 73Spanking Rosemary ................................... 77A Casual Walk-by ....................................... 81Bottoms Up, Sir .......................................... 85A Sensational Feast ................................... 89Festive Spankings ...................................... 93A Xmas Kiss ................................................. 97

1Jojo Embarks on a ChallengeJoanna Heyworth rested her fingertips on thetips of her toes. She had a flicker of a grin on herface. She heard Claire Brooks stepping in close andfelt the cane tapping down once, twice, thrice, andbraced herself.Since her commemorative flogging to mark herone hundred and eightieth punishment since enteringthe Woody Back to School unit Jojo had beenevaluating her strategy and ruminating on her future.There was little question that for the remainingtwo years she was scheduled to spend as an inmateat the unit she would continue her reign at the top ofthe Bottoms Up Table of Troublemakers and retainthe title of All-Time Big BUTT.Lady Victoria Brompton, who was currentlyranked as number two on the All-Time Hall of Shame,appeared to have hung up her bumbags now that shewas performing the role of Red-shirt. Debs Morton,who ranked number three, would continue to cravethe title but she was over a dozen lickings behind

And Then He Kissed HerJojo. Claire Brooks was continuing to be whoppedduring her Elite year but did not pose a real threat.Jojo had already decided to shoot for a thirdconsecutive Bull, the Woody term for accumulatingfifty punishments during a single year, which with thetime available seemed an achievable target. However,there was another record she hankered after.During Lisa Sutton’s first year of beingincarcerated at the facility she had shown a solidpredilection for minxdom. Over the period of two anda half terms she had accumulated a creditable tally ofwhops and was destined to end the year in the topten of the Annual Hall of Shame. However, followingthe infamous incident where she unwittingly trampledover Ms Lawton’s prized garden she was subjected tothe most hostile targeting in the unit’s history. In thefinal fifty days of the summer term she was beatenthirty-five times and elevated to the status of the Alltimemost punished inmate in a single year. It was atitle that Joanna had historically held and she dearlywished to recover.“It’s a pretty tall order,” said Rosemary.“Even I couldn’t match it when I was PublicEnemy Number One,” agreed Debs.“That took some truly ruthless targeting,” saidNixdown, “and let’s face it nobody’s going to targetyou, Jojo.”Joanna looked thoughtful. “It’ll be a challenge,but you all know how much I love a challenge. By theway, how’s Lisa performing this year?”Lisa Sutton, aka the Minxster was having a runof rotten luck. It had started with a trip over Dotty

3Hammell’s knee when Lisa had turned up late forkitchen duty. Although Ms Hammell was not the mostprolific of spankers amongst the Brass she was one ofthe most potent.For Lisa’s spanking Dotty had selected awooden spoon formed out of distressed wood fromthe Northern Andes. To show her displeasure at Lisa’stardy time-keeping Dotty had employed a highlyeffective technique of landing three sharp cracks, oneon top of the other, on the sweet spot of each of thehapless Minxster’s upturned cheeks. The unyieldingwooden spoon had generated considerable heat andsting in Lisa’s bumbags that she could still feel whenit came time for lock-down.Under the circumstances it would have seemedprudent for Lisa to ensure that she avoided anyfurther run-ins with disciplinary instruments.However, Lisa and her business partner, BernadetteSummers were struggling with the complexities ofestablishing the odds for the BUTT Stakes and hadunwisely elected to make one last analytical run afterthe bell had gone for lockdown. As a result Lisa andBernadette had been required to bend over the endsof their beds to experience at first hand the ferocioussting of Claire Brooks’ ashplant. It had proven to be amost disagreeable encounter.In the morning Lisa was still acutely aware ofthe considerable after-effects of her two punishmentsso it was an act of rank recklessness to get herselfred-carded out of assembly for an act of mindlessgoofing.

And Then He Kissed Her“How goes it Minxster?” asked Jojo when shecame upon Lisa in the quadrangle. “Sorry about thewhops.”Lisa pulled a face. “The man’s got himself anew leather paddle. He gave me a real work-out.”“That man and his toys,” Jojo grinned, “younever know what he’s going to bring out next. Sohow’s it been going?”“Oh same old same old,” laughed Lisa, “I had apretty hot spell at the beginning of term and thenthings calmed down a bit. Until yesterday that iswhen I scored a bally double. Then I get myselfchucked out of assembly this morning so it’s a tadwarm in the bumbags of late.”“Well if it’s any consolation I’m already indouble figures this term,” said Jojo.“Oh me too,” grinned the Minxster, “I’vescored a dozen.”“Hmmm,” said Joanna Heyworth, thoughtfully.“Interesting.”

2No Value WhopsJojo’s campaign got off to a slow start. Shemessed around in lectures and tutorials, shebackgabbed and she cracked wise at everyopportunity but not a single whop was forthcoming.Meanwhile, she watched enviously as theother members of the Famous Four caught it hot.On Tuesday morning Nicola Jane was sent upto the Grand Master’s office after she had pointedlyadvised Reed the Weed to go and boil her head.On Wednesday, Rosemary Booker leanedforward at the front of the lecture room and restedher fingers on the tips of her toes while the Wartentertained herself with the number one cane and onFriday, Deborah Morton managed to accumulate herfourth red card of the term when she was chuckedout of assembly for goofing.Even Cassie Cassy was back on a roll. Sherushed into Jojo and Nix’s study beaming all over herface.“Heyho sis,” said Nix, “you win the lottery?”

And Then He Kissed Her“No,” said Cassie breathlessly, “better thanthat. The drought’s finally over. I just got whopped bythe Wart.”Jojo tousled her chum’s hair. “Way to go,” shesaid affectionately.Cassie hugged her mentor. “Can’t stop,” shesaid excitedly, “I’m off to rubbish a pre or three.”When Jojo did finally score some whops theywere of no value to her. At the Saturday night feastJojo was dealt the one eyed jack. She glanced over atthe Grand Master; this was the third consecutiveweek that she had received one of the fiendish fivecards and she was becomingly increasingly convincedthat this was not a coincidence. When she hadmentioned this to Mr Humphries he had merelygrinned benignly.It was a boisterous dinner and Joanna availedherself of the fine wines that the Grand Master hadprovided. It was a shame that the Saturday eveningspankings didn’t count on her record, she mused; asshe took a trip across Claire Brooks knee. Theycertainly would have come in handy considering herrecent lack of success at scoring any other kind ofwhops.“You knew it wasn’t going to be easy,” Nix toldJojo.“I’m the Big BUTT,” sighed Joanna. “Sincewhen did anybody put an embargo on my bumbags?”Nixdown hugged Jojo. “I don’t think that thereis even a restraining order on your bumbags, let alonean embargo. You’re just over-anxious. You’rebeginning to sound like Cassy Cassie.”

7Jojo pouted. “It has been two weeks since Iscored the one-eighty and all I’ve got since then aregratuitous whops.”Nixdown giggled. “Well you’re certainly doingwell in that department,” she told Jojo. “Have youever thought that the Man might be something of acard sharp?”“Hmmm, maybe we should ask him,” musedJojo, “he’s invited us over for cocktails this evening.Are you and Penny Ann free?”Nixdown winked. “We’ll be there; I’m justgoing to pop down to the stables for half an hour.Pen’s got a new crop and I want to try it out.”“Nix, you are such a degenerate,” laughedJojo.Nixdown wiggled her tightly clad jodhpurcovered behind. “Don’t insult me. I am the ultimatedegenerate, darling,” she giggled, “now help me onwith my jacket.”“The Elite never whop me anymore,”complained Jojo to Vix at the cocktail party. “I rubbishthem and they just ignore me.”Victoria put her arm around Joanna’sshoulders. “Maybe they think you’re just joking,” shesmiled.“Vix! I am very much in need of whops,” saidJojo sternly, “You need to realign the Elite and tellthem to get on with the job.”Victoria slit her eyes at her chum. “You’reserious about going for the record aren’t you?”Jojo nodded her head emphatically, “and Iintend to earn my whops legitimately, so if I rubbishthe pre’s I don’t expect to be cut any slack.”

And Then He Kissed HerLady Victoria Brompton shook her head withresignation. “I’ll pass the word down,” she told Jojo,“but you know you’re fawkin’ barking.”Jojo just winked and went in pursuit of anotherglass of bubbles.

3Bad Day to Rubbish a PreJojo didn’t pick the best of days to rubbishClaire Brooks. As a result of the copious plumes ofsmoke billowing out from under her skirt Miss Brookswas not in the sweetest of moods.The smoke plumes were a result of a recenttrip she had taken over the Grand Master’s knee. Thehead down, arse up expedition had been caused byClaire being red-carded out of an English Literaturelecture and the whole sorry chain of unfortunateevents was triggered by Claire’s inability to engageher brain prior to flapping her jaw.Claire Brooks knew that she was up for a barebender as soon as she opened her mouth. StephaniePowell didn’t miss a heartbeat, as soon as Claire letrip with her ribald riposte she reached for her redcard.Stephanie Powell was considered one of thefairest of the Dames and was extremely popular withthe inmates. She was a leading light on the LiberalLeft and a strong advocate of minx rights. Stephanie

And Then He Kissed Hermade no secret of her distaste for the likes of PattyHodge and the Wart. Nonetheless, despite her leftisttendencies cussing during lectures was a zerotoleranceoffence so Claire had to go.Claire Brooks was not having a successful startto her Elite career. She started out badly, becomingthe first gal of the year to be whopped when she wasabsolutely creamed by Ms Gascoigne. Since then shehad made three visits to the Grand Master’s study,each related to her penchant for pith and pottymouthing.At the rate she was going she wasscheduled to overtake Cathryn Cassidy as the mostbeaten prefect in history in record breaking time.The Grand Master had no objections to pottymouthingin a social or recreational setting butcussing in the lecture rooms was strictly forbidden.Claire Brooks didn’t even bother to try to make anexcuse for her behavior; she merely politelyapologized and agreed that she was due for awhopping.Mr Humphries considered Claire an idealcandidate to continue with his George W experiment.He had been extremely impressed by DeborahMorton’s frenetic reaction during George W’sinaugural outing but he acknowledged that she hadbeen suffering under the severe disadvantage of analready well-spanked bottom. He was interested toinvestigate how effective George would be in dealingwith virgin flesh.

11Claire Brooks was long, lithe and feline. It hadalways amused her chums that during the early yearsof her sentence their slender chum had regularlysported the title of Big BUTT. Her long legs werekicking spastically and her tiny rear end was wrigglingfrom side to side as the tawse slapped down.The Grand Master was impressed. Claire had areputation as one of the toughest gals in the unit. Herlong history of being spanked with Ma Brooks’ brush,the frequent beatings she had received at boardingschool and her rise to the highest echelons of the Hallof Shame had made her particularly whop-hardened.To get this type of reaction out of Claire was a tributeto the craftsmanship of George W Dick.Jojo was keen to test out Victoria’s promise torealign the Elite so she rubbished Claire royally. Jojoand Claire were tight. They had been friends foralmost fifteen years, dating back to their earlysuccesses riding in national gymkhanas. If the Elitehad been truly realigned Jojo figured that Clairewould step up to the plate.To Jojo’s delight Claire pulled out her red-cardand sent her up to wait outside the library.Jojo blinked. The first swipe of the cane hadbeen an absolute scorcher. She rememberedDeborah’s claim that the caning Claire had given herrated an eight point five heat rating on herwhopometer but she had figured that Debs was justbragging. As the first swipe ricocheted around hercentral nervous system it occurred to Jojo that MissMorton might have been right on the money.

And Then He Kissed HerClaire loved Jojo like a sister but the heat inher own backside seemed to have added aninexplicable sense of purpose to her performance.The cane was slicing through the air at Mach One andevery stroke was landing perfectly in the target zone.Even Jojo had to grit her teeth tightly to keep fromyelping.Nixdown, Debs and Rosemary were performingdamage assessment.“Don’t say I didn’t warn you,” said Debs. “I toldyou that she was good.”Rosemary was gently massaging Jojo’s sizzlingstripes with a prototype zinc acetate based balm.“This will sting for a moment and then it will start toreally cool things down,” she explained.“Looks like six straight aces,” observedNixdown.“This is another time I don’t envy being in yourbumbags, sister,” said Debs.Claire Brooks brought Jojo a bunch of pink andblue tropical lilies and a bottle of 1999 Handley BrutRose.“I’m sorry I made it so hot,” she apologized. “Idon’t know what came over me.”Jojo giggled and sipped the delicious wine thattasted just like freshly picked raspberries. “I heard onthe gossvine that George W came all over you.”“That is truly gross,” groaned Claire Brooks.

4VendettaDeborah Morton was forced to acknowledgethat her pursuit of the title of Big BUTT was now outof her grasp. In her diary she noted, “Despite all thathas happened to me at Woodys, being branded PublicEnemy Number One, being targeted by Ms Whittonand the SS, and all the high-profile public whoppings,I’m still behind on the Hall of Shame. Every year Jojohas been so consistent that she has beaten me out bya couple of lickings. Still, if I work hard I could moveup to Number Two.”Deborah had not anticipated starting her questfor second place on the Hall of Shame by being bentover the piano stool and being beaten with a violinbow.Ms Whitton, the Dame in charge of Music, andDeborah had been engaged in a long and oftencontroversial feud. It dated back to the infamousincident known in Woody lore as ‘the Fabulous Fart’.At the time of the incident Deborah was highlyfavored by Ms Whitton. She played clarinet and piano

And Then He Kissed Herand acted as a co-director of the Woody orchestralproductions. She was a reasonable alto and wasregularly featured as a soloist in choral presentations.It was approaching Xmas of the fourth year ofDeborah’s sentence and the choir was preparing for aproduction of Handel’s Messiah, scheduled to beperformed at the local town hall. Ms Whitton had justbrought in the altos when she noticed Debs hadmissed the cue. Thinking it to be just anuncharacteristic error the Music Dame continued.However, she soon noticed that Deborah was makingno effort at rectifying her mistake and appeared to bestudying something secreted in her hand. Irritably MsWhitton stopped the choir and demanded Debs tostep up and explain herself.Conventional wisdom assumes that, in herfavored position with the Music Dame, if Deborah hadsimply made an excuse about having a sore throatand needing to save her voice she would haveescaped without even the mildest admonishment.Instead Debs Morton responded to the Damesdemand for an explanation by unleashing agargantuan guff.The prolonged bare bottom thrashing thatensued caused considerable controversy. There wasno question that Ms Whitton was seriously in breachof the protocols that dictated that the Dames werelimited to delivering six strokes with an inmatesbumbags retained, or that Deborah had the right tofile a complaint. However, according to the protocolsthe complaint would be heard in front of the Systemand the press would be invited.After her public arrest on the center court ofWimbledon Deborah had been subjected to a

15humiliating media vilification and after four years outof the public spotlight she was not enthusiastic toreturn to the attention of the Great Unwashed inregard to an unfortunate gaseous emission. She cut adeal with Ms Lawton whereby a six month restrainingorder was placed on Ms Whitton and in the event theMusic Dame believed Deborah needed to be thrashedshe would be sent to the Principal with full supportingdocumentation.A kind of truce had ensued. Ms Whitton sentDebs to Coventry, using intermediaries to give herinstructions regarding choir and orchestra. For onceDebs managed to control herself and behavedimpeccably around the Music Dame.Unfortunately the end of the period governingthe restraining order coincided with Deborahbecoming branded as the units ‘Public Enemy NumberOne’ and the implementation of Operation ScorchedArse.During a restraining order debriefing meetingMs Lawton would release the Music Dame on whatDeborah would later describe as the ‘Nightmare inDebs Bumbags’.With Deborah targeted as a hostile target to betreated with zero-tolerance Ms Whitton felt free toengage in her vendetta. On the anniversary of theFabulous Fart she bent Debs over the piano stool andbeat her with a violin bow. To Debs relief after fivestrokes she was given the release command. She wasscurrying back to her seat as fast as her frazzled bumwould allow her when she was summonsed back and

And Then He Kissed Herinstructed to touch her toes. Ms Whitton informed herthat they would finish the six with a bacon slicer.Bacon slicer’s are a highly specializedtechnique. The cane is brought down vertically and ifsuccessfully accomplished will give the victim theexcruciating sensation that a sliver of their backsidehas been physically sliced off. Due to the technicalcomplexity of the delivery the chances of a baconslicer making contact are less than fifty percent.However, under the toe-touching protocols therecipient’s fingers must actually be contacting the tipsof their shoes throughout a beating and she may notmove until the release command is issued. Theeffects of a successful bacon slicer are widelyconsidered to be amongst the most excruciatingsensations imaginable and the chances of therecipient managing to maintain position at themoment of impact are extremely low. According tothe protocols if the victim jolts upwards the strokecan be repeated until she either manages to staydown or the beating is terminated due to a missedattempt.Even the whop-hardened Debs jolted up andwas forced to get back in position for another stroke.Unbelievably Ms Whitton delivered perfect slicer afterslicer. It took a record-breaking four slices beforeDeborah managed to stay down.Little did Deborah know that this was just thebeginning of Ms Whitton’s vicious vendetta.

5MeltdownOnce Ms Whitton embarked upon her vendettaDebs had been genuinely shaken by the scale of themalice that was directed at her. Deborah’s mercurialpersonality had an unfortunate tendency to inspireextreme reactions from folks she encountered andshe had had often made dangerous enemies.However, the malicious venom of Ms Whitton’s siegeon her bumbags was unprecedented.Every time Deborah entered the music roomshe was immediately shown a yellow card and spentthe rest of the tutorial fretting over whether shewould be beaten. During the first four weeks ofOperation Scorched Arse she was bent over the pianostool on over fifty percent of the appearances shemade in the music room.It was not just the unprovoked beatings thathad rattled her. Often Ms Whitton made her spendthe complete lesson standing on a chair with herhands on her head or dispatched her to stand in thecorner of the room performing nose and toes. Sheeven made Deborah spend several choir practices’

And Then He Kissed Herstanding at the front of the hall with her hands on herhead.The Music Instructor took to barreling down onher at unexpected moments and screeching at her,very often in front of rooms full of people. Thediatribes were filled with hateful vitriolic and left Debsdrained and exhausted.Ms Whitton even commissioned a violin bowfrom an artisan in Southern Brazil who specialized inthe rare art of crafting bows from Pernambuco wood.The bow-master had taken the original design ofFrancois Tourte’s seventy five centimeter bow andhad perfected the balance of colophoany, oils andplasiticizeds to make bows of exceptional beauty.When she had commissioned the bow the MusicDame had requested an unusual stiffness, explainingthat it would only be used for decorative purposes.For over a thousand quid the bow-maker would havemade her a cricket bat out of the rare wood if she’dasked.Ms Whitton had the craftsman engrave thewords ‘The Morton Special’ along the shaft of thebow. It would be used exclusively on the backside ofDebs Morton.Rosemary, Jojo and Nixdown hated watchingthe vicious unprovoked attacks and did their best toconsole and comfort their chum. Debs refused to filea complaint. She had no intention of the FabulousFart being made public.The vicious vendetta was having a visibleeffect on Deborah. She became withdrawn andrefused to join her chums in goofing, japing, larkingand pranking activities. In the evenings she retreated

19into herself and spent all her time secluded in herstudy reading the complete works of Aleister Crowley.She even cut back on her tennis training program,regularly cancelling her morning sessions with JaneLummell and Rachel Cox preferring the extra twohours in bed.Her chums began to fret over her mental andphysical state. She took to shuffling about the facilitywith her head lowered, seemingly lost in privatethought. She had always been notoriously clobberchallenged but she started to look like a hobo. Eventhe deeply cynical Nixdown took it upon herself tocheck Debs laundry every night and pitched up andmade sure that she looked halfway decent in themornings.Her chums fretted; she was at her mostvulnerable. As the unit’s Public Enemy Number Oneshe was targeted as an extreme hostile and herbumbags had a large bulls-eye painted on them. Theywere deeply concerned that the tyrants of the RadicalRight and their SS pawns would take advantage ofher demoralized state. Their suspicions were notunfounded.On the instructions of Patty Hodge, YvonneGodfrey and Janet Mitchell hounded Debs morning,noon and night looking for opportunities to take herup to the library and beat her. Deborah’s chums madesure that she had a protective escort on the rareoccasions she came out for fresh air to escape fromher studies of Thelema.However, in her semi-catatonic state even thebeasts from the right had difficulty finding any excuse

And Then He Kissed Herto punish her and for almost a month the onlybeatings she received were from Ms Whitton.Deborah’s chums constantly tried to rally herspirits. Rosemary and Jojo did their best to consoleher. Unexpectedly it was Nixdown who seemed mosteffected by Deborah’s traumatized state. Nix andDeborah’s friendship was sometimes volatile. NicolaJane was a natural born cynic and often criticizedDeborah for show-boating.Nonetheless one morning when she was doingher best to make Debs presentable she lamented,“Please Debs try and have some fun today. I hate itwhen you’re ordinary. I love you because you’reextraordinary. Even when you’re being anextraordinary pain in the arse.”As the weeks went by and Deborah continuedto remain depressed and dejected her chums fearedthat Debs was on the brink of a meltdown. Howeverin a quite extraordinary episode Debs Morton wasshaken out of her funk.

6Red-CardJanet Mitchell couldn’t believe her luck. Forweeks Mitch the Bitch had been catching it in thelughole from Patty Hodge for her inability to find areason to give Deborah a damn, good thrashing.“She’s Public Enemy Number One and she’s agoddam degenerate,” raged Patty. “She deserves tobe caned. Find a reason or it’ll be your bumbagsbeing cut to tatters.”“I don’t know what’s got into her Ma’am,”protested Janet. “She shuffles about the place like abag-lady, with her head down looking at the floor.She doesn’t do anything, it’s like she’s a ghost andshe’s always surrounded by bodyguards.”“Find a reason,” barked Patty abruptly anddismissed Janet with a condescending wave of herhand.“Morton, Phase 5, step up for goofing,”screeched Janet Mitchell waving her red-card in theair.Debs groaned and rolled her eyes. She couldn’tbelieve her own stupidity. She was definitely bang to

And Then He Kissed Herrights. It was as if she had been in a trance. For noreason at all she had been tapping the underside ofthe canvas seat of the chair in front of her with herfoot, causing its occupant considerable annoyance. Itwas particularly guileless and the longer shecontinued the greater the likelihood of attracting theattention of an assembly monitor. Nonetheless, Debswas taken by surprise to hear her voice beingscreamed at the top of Janet’s lungs. Momentarily shedidn’t react.“Morton, step up I tell you,” screamed Janet asecond time, “step up this instant, before I have youcollared.”Debs shuffled passed her chums. Janet waswaiting for her a leer on her face.“Gotcha,” she gloated as Deborah approached.“And by the way, your tie’s undone,” she cackled.Deborah groaned.The following period of Deborah’s life wasextremely unpleasant. She was forced to stand at thefront of the hall for ten minutes before the Brassarrived. It was a nerve-racking experience. It was aposition Deborah was unfortunately familiar with. Forinexplicable reasons Debs found it difficult to abide bythe no goofing and gabbing protocols with regard toingress and egress of the assembly hall and held therecord for being chucked out. Although it attracted amandatory six strokes of the senior cane it was a lowlevelbreach of protocol and under normalcircumstances was dealt with expediently. A simple‘bend over’, a quick six and then ‘have a good day’.However, Debs suspected that her status as PublicEnemy Number One might have an adverse influence

23on the proceedings. She began to sweat as theminute hand of the clock ticked by and the inevitablearrival of the Brass approached.Patty Hodge did not help matters when shetheatrically showed Debs a second red card andloudly instructed her to make an appointment withKatie Beck to be slippered for zero-tolerance collarand tie abuse.Debs trudged through the corridors. As shehad suspected Ms Lawton had not merely quietlydispatched her to wait outside her study, she hadstopped and spent several minutes giving Deborah apublic tongue trashing. It had been most unpleasant.Next Debs was forced to endure a full clobberinspection from Katie Beck. The unit matron made ameal out of it. At the best of times Debs wasperennially clobber-challenged and in recent weeksshe had given up caring. It was only Nixdown’s lovingcare that had kept her from spending her timepermanently across Katie’s lap.Debs had been genuinely surprised to becaught out on the supplementary charge of collar andtie abuse. For weeks Nix had been constantly naggingher over her negligence in this matter, reminding herthat it was having a loosened collar that had got herin this mess in the first place. She remembered NicolaJane straightening her tie for her before they steppedout for brekker, but she couldn’t for the life of herrecall unfastening her top button. Debs worried thatshe was losing her mind.Due to Nix’s sterling efforts Katie came upempty but that didn’t stop her from indulging in her

And Then He Kissed Hermind games and insinuating that she had foundfurther abuses of the Politics of Clobber while shecarried out her inspection. Katie indulged herselffurther by maintaining a constant commentary withregard to her predictions of the state of Deborah’srear end when the Grand Dame had finished with her.It was all most disagreeable and Debs day was notimproved when Katie left her bent butt-naked acrossthe desk in the ante-room for over five minutesbefore she could be deigned to come in and performher inspection.Debs morning continued to deteriorate. Twentyminutes of nose and toes on the landing thatseparated Katie and Ms Lawton’s office gave herplenty of time for rumination. The public harangue inthe assembly hall had done little for her spirits andshe could not envisage her next communication withthe Grand Dame proving any more cordial.She heard the click-clack of Ms Lawton’s highheels in the corridor below.“Oh man, just let’s get this over with,” Debsmuttered to herself dismally.

7The Return of Debs MortonDeborah had tottered out of Ms Lawton’s officethoroughly trashed and thrashed. The Grand Damehad excelled herself. She had topped off a world-classscolding with a world-class whopping.Ms Lawton had managed to make the earlierpublic harangue in the hall seem minor-league. Shehad kept Deborah held in a military attention, eyesfront,shoulders-back, arms by her side, while sheexpertly dissected Debs unfortunate disciplinaryrecord. Debs was almost relieved when she was giventhe release command and instructed to bend over thestraight-backed chair in front of the fireplace.Her relief was short-lived. Debs Morton’sbackside was a highly-calibrated whopometer thatcould accurately gauge the heat-factor of stroke ofthe cane on a scale of one and ten, to two decimalplaces. Debs was greatly concerned when the needlestarted to move up towards eleven.Debs wriggled through the corridors withsmoke pluming out from beneath her skirt. Her mind

And Then He Kissed Herwas racing. Her unfortunate eviction from theassembly hall had caused her to be late for orchestrapractice. She dreaded the prospect of arriving in theGreat Hall. Doubtless Ms Whitton would take theopportunity to tear into her and more than likelywould humiliate her by making her spend theremainder of the practice standing in disgrace at thefront of the hall with her hands on her head.Deborah was in no hurry for anotherignominious confrontation and took a detour to raidRosemary’s secret fag-stash. She didn’t often smokebut it provided a diversion and would take some timeoff the clock and reduce the period she woulddoubtless be forced to stand with her hands on herhead facing the choir. She smoked slowly until theember reached the butt. She considered smokinganother one but thought it would just make her feelsick. With a heavy tread she set off to fetch herclarinet and to face her meeting with Ms Whitton.“I’m sorry I’m late Ma’am,” Debs told the MusicInstructor as she hurried to take up her vacantposition amongst the orchestra.“Where do you think you’re going?” snappedMs Whitton.“To take my place Ma’am,” responded Debs.“Oh no you don’t young lady, you will repair tothe music room and bring me the Morton Special”said the Music Dame.Deborah gaped at the instructor incredulously.“Whadaya mean?” she spluttered.“You’re late,” said Ms Whitton imperiously.“Mandatory six of the best for tardy time-keeping.”

27Debs continued to gape. “But you know whyI’m late,” she gasped. “I was in the Grand Dame’sstudy.”“That’s no excuse, this whole rehearsal hasbeen a fiasco due to your selfish behavior,” retortedMs Whitton, “now do as you’re told and bring me mybow.”According to eye-witness accounts, at firstDebs looked as if she might faint. Her pretty featureswere contorted into a grotesque grimace. She lookedlike she might burst into tears, or even worse, pleadwith the evil Dame. Then suddenly, according toconsistent reports of the episode, Deborah’sdemeanor altered dramatically. The color that hadbeen missing from her face for weeks returned, shepulled herself up to her full five feet four inches andher eyes blazed with anger and defiance.“This is ridiculous,” Debs snapped scathingly atthe music instructor. “You’re not going to beat me forthis.”“Are you refusing to obey me?” asked MsWhitton.“You’re damn right I am,” said Debsobstinately.“Very well Morton, I shall send someone elseto fetch the bow and in the meantime I shallsummons Jacqueline Ivanhoe and Yvonne Godfreyand I will have you held down.”The tension in the Great Hall was palpable.“You rotten fucking bitch,” Debs blurted out.“This is so fucking bogus.”“I’ll count to five Miss Morton, it’s your choice.”

And Then He Kissed HerDebs stared down at the violin bow housed init own private display case. Along the shaft of theexquisite bow the words ‘The Morton Special’ hadbeen etched in elegant calligraphic script. It stillboggled Deborah’s mind that anybody could hate herso much that they would commission a thousand quidbespoke bow designed purely for the purpose ofbeating her. She lifted the lid and extracted the bowwith trembling fingers. She flexed it though the air. Itsent a shiver down her spine.“Okay Be-yotch,” she muttered to herself.“Bring it on! Do your worst, but Debs is back.”

8Confirmation of a LegendDebs had carried the Morton Special back tothe Great Hall. Her features were fixed in a picture ofdefiance and for the first time in weeks her head washeld high. She strode purposefully through thecorridors in with a defiant gait that was a starkcontrast to the dispirited shuffle she had adopted oflate.As a tennis player Debs had earned herself areputation for grit, determination, concentration andcomposure under pressure. She was also famous forher ability to recover from adversity.Memorably, when she was nineteen years oldshe reached the quarter finals of the French Open atRoland Garros and was pitted against the reigningworld champion Connie Everton. Debs was deeplydisappointed to succumb in a leg cramping matchthat lasted over three hours and featured twentyrallies of forty or more returns. After the defeat sheretreated to a small cottage she had purchased onthe south coast and cancelled several appearances atscheduled tournaments. The fickle press wrote her off

And Then He Kissed Herand speculated that her career was finished. Fourweeks later she would fly alone to Madison SquareGarden, without her coach or any entourage, andproceed to cream Miss Everton. Double-bagelling thechampion love and love in a record breakingseventeen minutes and eleven seconds.The hacks from the glad-rags immediatelyheralded her withdrawal from the public eye as amove of strategic genius and dubbed her as‘Indominatable Debs’.Debs chums had watched dismally as shehanded the violin bow over to the music instructorand lugged the piano stool in front of the orchestra.She stripped off her blazer and bent over.Every member of the orchestra knew what itwas like to get six of the best across the bare arsefrom Ms Lawton’s cane and knew that Deborah’sbottom would be on fire. They wouldn’t haveswapped places in Debs bumbags for all the hot dogsin Brooklyn. What they witnessed was extraordinary.Ms Whitton spared no quarter and beatDeborah with all her might. Somehow Debs resistedthe temptation to scream and shout. When she wasfinally given the release command she was clearlyshaken. Her face was chalky white and her lips set ina tight line but her eyes burned with defiance as shehanded over her punishment record book for postprocessing.But the drama was not yet over.Wordlessly Ms Whitton annotated the book andthen without warning she pointed back at the stool.“Now bend over again,” she said curtly.Debs mouth opened and her chin wagged butno sounds came out.

31“You cussed me out,” snapped Ms Whitton,“now bend over or I shall have you collared and takenup to the Grand Dames and demand you are given apublic flogging.”Deborah Morton gaped at the music instructor.For a moment she said nothing and remained gluedto the spot. Then finally she glared defiantly at MsWhitton. “You’ll never make me howl and you’ll nevermake me blub,” she said rebelliously and thenhopelessly she leaned down and stretched her bodyout across the stool.What ensued confirmed Deborah Morton as athoroughbred Woody legend. Ms Whitton beat herlike a carpet but unbelievably Debs did not utter asound. She writhed and wriggled, squirmed andkicked, but she refused to howl.Miraculously the terrible beating had stimulateda revival in Deborah’s spirits. Her chums weredelighted that after allowing a prudent period for herscorched arse to cool down a tad Debs Mortonembarked upon a campaign of goofing, larking, japingand pranking with renewed enthusiasm.Ms Lawton had been appalled to read thereports of the dual thrashings and had summonsedMs Whitton to her study. The Music Dame hadjustified her ill-treatment of Debs by referring theGrand Dame to the ‘eyes-only’ memorandum she hadpersonally issued stating that ‘Morton should betreated with Extreme Prejudice at all times. All rules,regulations and protocols are to be strictly enforced.Infractions however minor should be treated with

And Then He Kissed Herzero-tolerance and she should be punished to themaximum allowable extent.’Ms Lawton couldn’t deny that Ms Whitton hadfollowed the instruction implicitly but she couldn’thelp thinking that she had crossed the thin linebetween extreme prejudice and extreme malice.Prudently she imposed a thirty day restraining orderbetween Ms Whitton and Debs bumbags.Many Woody historians speculate that it wasthis episode that caused Ms Lawton to begin tocontemplate her retirement.

9A Harsh CallIn the twelve months that had elapsed sincethe showdown in the Great Hall Ms Whitton’s loathingof Deborah had not diminished one iota. Although sheshowed a little more restraint in her persecution ofDebs, visits to the music room were never pleasant.For weeks Ms Whitton would give Debs the coldshoulderand completely ignore her and thensuddenly out of the blue she would send her to standin the corner for no reason at all. During one periodDebs didn’t even make it to her seat for threeconsecutive tutorials, spending the full ninety minutesfacing the wall with her hands on her head. It wasextremely tiresome and Deborah occasionallyretaliated. She earned herself a public flogging forletting down all four tires of Ms Whitton’s car.Inevitably the Music Dame could notcompletely resist the temptation to take her violinbow to Debs bumbags. On the last lesson before theunit broke up for Xmas furlough she had fabricatedan excuse to beat Deborah and to “give hersomething to remember me by over the holidays”.

And Then He Kissed HerAs usual the cause of Deborah’s latestencounter with the violin bow was somewhat dubious.When Debs had arrived at the music room MsWhitton had barreled down upon her accusing herthat the knot of her tie had slipped and her topbutton was inappropriately exposed. Debs reached upto correct the knot of her tie fully expecting to beissued with a misconduct mark. To her astonishmentMs Whitton slapped her hand away and thrust ayellow card in her face calling her a tramp. It was aharsh call and Debs couldn’t help herself; she rolledher eyes and curled her lip in contempt. That wasenough for Ms Whitton.“Good grief,” she screamed at Debs. “I havenever seen such insolence young lady. Go and putdown your satchel, remove your blazer and fetch methe Morton Special.”Deborah spread herself out across the pianostool. It was really a duet bench rather than a stool.It was twelve inches high at the leg, with four inchesof hollow storage covered by a two inch cushionedseat. The seat was exactly twelve inches in breadth.The Woody Wags often laughed that HeinrichEngelhard Steinweg and his carpenters must havetested their daughters out bent over the benches asthey appeared to have designed one of the perfectvenues for whops.Debs shifted her tummy forward across thepadded seat until she felt as if her body wasequilaterally organized. She stretched out her armsand legs until only her fingers and toes touched thewood floor of the slightly raised wooden stage. She

35lowered her head between her outstretched arms andwatched her tie dangle forward and her hair cascadetowards the floor. She took a deep breath and waitedfor the latest episode of the vendetta to slowly unfold.Ms Whitton slipped an original copy of aperformance of Django Reinhardt during his Quintettedu Hot Club de France phase out of its LP cover andplaced it on the vintage phonograph. She carefullyplaced the needle down and waited for the music tofill the room. She retrieved the violin bow from thetop of the piano and waved it in the air, conductingthe music. The occupants of the room watched her asshe worked herself into a frenzied state, her armswaving, eyes closed, head nodding and her feettapping. All the while Debs lay sprawled across thestool with her skirt turned back and her bumbagssitting up proud.Once she had reached an appropriate level ofcritical spiritual mass Ms Whitton stepped onto thesmall stage. Without any preparation she glanceddownwards and slashed the violin bow across thetautened bumbags with inspired accuracy.The stiffness of the bow and the low sling ofthe bench were a lethal combination and the bowsliced across Deborah’s arse with extreme prejudice.Deborah squeezed her eyes shut and balledher fists until they ached, but her body barelytwitched. She breathed in through her nose and outthrough her mouth. She concentrated on staying in afull drape. Under no circumstances was she going to

And Then He Kissed Hergive Ms Whitton any indication that she was hurtingher.Deborah waited for the second stroke to arrive.She tried not to be distracted by the sound ofDjango’s unique guitar artistry. She had to stayfocused. Debs Morton had sworn a year ago that shewould never again allow herself to be subjugated bythe evil spirited Music Dame. She gritted her teethand dug deep into her resolve.

10The Longest BeatingEven by the Music Dame’s bizarre standardsher theatrics were extraordinary. The WackyWhackster, as she was dubbed by the Woody Wags,was waving her arms in the air and spinning like adervish. She appeared to have fallen into a tranceand to have forgotten Deborah. Poor Debs was leftsprawled across the stool for over ninety seconds withher bumbags higher than her head before the violinbow exploded off her bumbags for a second time. Atthis rate it was going to be the longest beating inhistory.Deborah’s heart was pounding. The protractedinterlude between each stroke was making itextremely difficult for her to prepare herself. Caningsgenerally settled into a predictable rhythm. Theanatomy of whops was a widely debated subjectamongst the facilities inmates. It was generallyagreed that the timing between each stroke was acritical ingredient. In her voluminous writings on the

And Then He Kissed Hersubject of whops Deborah advocates what she callsthe ‘Queensgate Technique.’“After I entered the third form I was destinednever to get less than six,” she recalls. “The Presidentof Posh at that time was a super gal named AlisonJones, who was extraordinarily talented with thepopping stick. She perfected the five-minute caning, atechnique that she handed down to Pauline Gascoigneand Christy Cranfield.”“First there was the sixty second set-up whereyou were in position over the arm of the popping seatwith your skirt neatly turned back. This might notseem long but I can assure you a lot goes throughyour mind when you’re head down, arse up for sixtyseconds. Next came the whops. One every thirtyseconds, which gave you sufficient time to experiencethe full cycle of each stroke. Finally we were givenanother sixty seconds to gather ourselves beforebeing given the release command. It was anextremely practical approach to caning and very fairon the recipient. We knew exactly what to expect andthere were no surprises.”The third stroke took Deborah by surprise; shewas desperately trying to look back between the legsof the stool to gauge Ms Whitton’s approach but theMusic Dame remained outside of her field of vision.The only warning she got was the whistle of the bowcutting through the air, leaving her only millisecondsto brace herself. The pain imploded through her rearend and the sound of the bow slicing down acrosstautened gossamer echoed in her ears.

39Ms Whitton stepped back. The track on the LPhad changed and she was waving her arms slowly,picking up the new rhythms. She stared down atDeborah’s tightly stretched bumbags with a dementedgleam in her eyes. If anything her loathing of Debshad increased since the showdown in the Great Hall.Deborah’s defiance of her and her unbridled contemptsent the Music Dame into paroxysms of ire. Sheraised the bow high in the air and slashed itdownwards.Deborah Morton remained defiantly stretchedout across the piano stool, her body as still as astatue as the violin bow exploded off her bumbags.Ms Whitton was determined to beat Debsbandy and Debs was equally determined to not givethe Music Dame the satisfaction of showing her thatshe was actually causing her considerable distress.Debs lay panting across the stool as MsWhitton waved her arms and prepared herself for thecloser. It had been an extremely prolonged beating.Deborah had been folded over the piano stool foralmost ten minutes but she sensed her ordeal wasdrawing to a close. With incredible bravado Debspushed her bottom up in the air and tempted hernemesis to give it her best shot.It was an extraordinary whop by any standardsand seemed designed to cut poor Deborah in two.Somehow, with white-knuckled determination, DebsMorton managed to refrain from showing anyindication of the excruciating pain that was floodingthrough her body and seemed to have transformedher blood into molten lava. She kept her head buried

And Then He Kissed Herbetween her arms so Ms Whitton would not see herface twisted and contorted in agony and anguish.Even after she was given the release commandit was some time before Debs could bring herself topush herself up from the stool. She hobbled veryslowly back to her desk to retrieve her punishmentrecord book so that the thrashing could be postprocessed.It almost came as a relief when MsWhitton instructed her to spend the remainder of thelecture standing on her chair with her hands on herhead.

11Bring Me the Morton Special“I understand that you were beaten by MsWhitton?” said Mr Humphries.Debs flushed slightly. “Yes sir, I’m sorry sir.”“The report says that you were insolent afterbeing given a yellow card for collar and tie abuse?”the Grand Master continued.“Yes sir, I understand that is how the report iswritten,” replied Debs noncommittally.“Was your collar and tie in an abusivecondition?” asked Mr Humphries.“I honestly don’t know sir,” said Debs. “I wasbarely through the door when she pounced on meand showed me the card. I tried to check and sheslapped my hand away.”Mr Humphries slid several photographs acrossthe table. “These show that your whole top button isvisible.”Deborah nodded. “Yes, sir, but those pictureswere taken after I was beaten.”The Grand Master nodded. “Just checking,” hemused, “so how was it?”

And Then He Kissed Her“How was it?” squealed Deborah. “It was afucking nightmare. That bitch beat me bandy. But Ididn’t let her know it,” she added proudly.“I understand you beat Miss Morton,” said theGrand Master.Ms Whitton nodded. “Yes sir, she appeared fora tutorial in an unkempt state so I gave her a yellowcard. Her response was most inappropriate so I feltobliged to beat her. It’s all in my report GrandMaster.”The Grand Master nodded. “I’m fullyconversant with the content of your report, MsWhitton. I am merely attempting to clarify somematters.”“Matters, sir? What matters?’” asked MsWhitton.“Well one in particular comes to mind,” saidthe Grand Master. “The tutorial commenced at 3pm.Apparently, soon after, a series of yellow and redcards were issued and you proceeded to beat MissMorton. Am I getting the timeline right so far?”Ms Whitton looked uncomfortable but shenodded.“Good,” said Mr Humphries. “It appears thatbeating Miss Morton was a time-consuming affair, asaccording to the record you did not complete postprocessingher until 3:20pm. That’s an awful longtime to be delivering six of the best, but ignoring thatfor one moment, it’s these photographs I findintriguing.” Mr Humphries slid three pictures acrossthe desk.“They just confirm that Morton’s collar and tiewere in an abusive state,” shrugged Ms Whitton.

43“You took them with your cell-phone?”“Yes sir, standard practice.”“But they are time-stamped at 3:24pm,” saidMr Humphries. “Is it standard practice to photographa gal’s neckwear just after she has been bent over apiano stool having her arse whapped with a custommade violin bow?”Ms Whitton flushed slightly and her eyesdarted about the room. “I realized that I hadforgotten to take the pictures earlier, sir, so I took acouple of snaps just for the record.”Mr Humphries continued to nod. “So in otherwords they are worthless,” he said calmly.Ms Whitton’s eyebrows shot up. “Worthless,sir? They are just supporting back-up; I wouldn’texactly call them worthless.”Mr Humphries looked at Ms Whitton quitecalmly. “We have discussed the collar and tieprotocols at several Brass Summits,” he said evenly.“If I recall we agreed that partial exposure of the topbutton would continued to be dealt with by a verbalwarning and a request for immediate correction andeven full exposure would at worst incur a misconductmark.”“If you had taken the time to check the record,sir, you would have observed that I have fullycomplied with the guideline,” said Ms Whitton tartly.“I have given her several misconduct marks over thepast weeks but she just ignores them. She is a tramp,so I felt that it was time to put her on notice that shehad better pay more attention to her clobber so Ishowed her a yellow card.”“And she responded insolently? What did shesay exactly?” asked Mr Humphries.

And Then He Kissed HerMs Whitton rolled her eyes in exasperation.“Say sir? She didn’t say anything. She didn’t need too.With all due respect sir I have considerably moreexperience than you in these matters. I could tellexactly what she was thinking. There was no questionthat she was being disrespectful so I took theappropriate action.” Ms Whitton puffed herself up likea peacock.“I wonder whether you would be so kind,” MrHumphries asked the music instructor, “as to bringme the Morton Special.”

12Patty Needs an Ice-Pack“He bent me over the back of a chair and beatme with my own violin bow,” wailed Ms Whittonindignantly.“There, there,” said Patty Hodgesympathetically. “Let’s fix you a drink and you’ll feelbetter.”“Feel better?” squealed Ms Whitton. “I’ll tellyou what will make me feel better. Hanging that littlebitch, Morton, from the rafters by her bumbags iswhat would make me feel better.”Patty had been astonished when Ms Whittonhad burst into her quarters wailing like a banshee.Patty’s usual night-time social activities were curtaileddue to being on-call as Duty Dame. She had beenkicking back watching TV and sipping a gin and tonicwhen the music instructor had interrupted her.Patty had listened sympathetically to MsWhitton’s tale of woe. According to the musicinstructor Mr Humphries had offered her the sameultimatum as he had offered the Wart. She either

And Then He Kissed Hersuffered a licking or she packed her bags and took ahike.Ms Whitton had always skirted around on thefringes of the Radical Right. She was not quite thewhop junkie on the scale of Patty, Katie or the Wartbut she enjoyed her whops, particularly when theyinvolved the bumbags of Debs Morton. Patty hadspent years trying to recruit her into the hard-core ofthe Radical Right but Ms Whitton had been content toget her whops in when they were legitimatelyavailable and just smiled indulgently when Patty triedto encourage her to be more targeted in heractivities. However, when Debs unleashed theFabulous Fart Patty had seen a window ofopportunity.Ms Whitton was deeply peeved by therestraining order placed on her by Ms Lawton andtook to pitching up in the saloon bar of the Bunch ofGrapes to gripe about her nemesis. Identifying thatMs Whitton was developing a malicious obsessionPatty moved in. She filled the Music Dame’s head withideas for making Deborah’s future miserable. By thetime that the restraining order finally expired MsWhitton was a card-carrying member of the RadicalRight.Ms Whitton faced a unique dilemma. Althoughshe was not as addicted to whops as junkies likePatty and the Wart she enjoyed her work at Woodys.Moreover she needed the work.After her career as a concert pianist had beencurtailed as a result of a vehicular accident she hadsought employment as an arranger.

47Although her musical credentials were neverbrought into question she had attracted severalcomplaints from members of the orchestra’s that shehad beaten with her conductor’s wand for lack-lustreperformances. Apparently in musical circles this typeof disciplinary practice is scorned upon and she wasregularly handed pink slips. Career opportunities wererather slim for Ms Whitton so she had felt she hadlittle option than to repair to the music room andbring back the Morton Special.The news that the Grand Master had whoppedanother member of her inner circle was deeplydisturbing to Patty. Ms Whitton was understandablyirate and it had taken all of Patty’s abundant charmsto persuade her not to abandon the cause. By thetime Ms Whitton finally left the apartment PattyHodge was in urgent need of an ice-pack to cool herfevered brow.“You fawkin’ didn’t?” squealed Lady Victoriawhen Mr Humphries informed her of the Whittonwhacking.The Grand Master nodded. “I think it will sendthe right message to Patty and her cronies,” he toldthe Red-shirt.Lady Vix grinned. “Patty will be fawkin’apoplectic. I bet she’s absolutely ropeable.” Victoria’scell-phone rang. “Excuse me sir, I should take this,it’s the emergency line.”The Grand Master nodded.“Hold on,” Victoria said into the speaker. Sheturned to the Grand Master. “It’s Debs, she’s got

And Then He Kissed Herherself into a terrible fix,” she reported. “After shefinished her meeting she and Rosemary stopped off atMonets. Somehow the cab got fawked up and they’regoing to be late for lockdown. Trouble is Patty’s thefawkin’ Duty Dame. She’ll fawkin’ murder Debs.”Mr Humphries looked thoughtful. “Tell themnot to worry about Patty. I’m sure I can trust you tobring them home safely Victoria.”“They’re not trying to avoid whops,” Victoriaassured Mr Humphries.The Grand Master nodded. “And they’re notescaping them. Have Claire take care of business.”Victoria nodded. “It’s going to be okay, Debs,”she said into the cell-phone. “Now, this what I needyou to do and this is going to be how it goes downwhen you get back to the campus.”

13The Recovery PeriodDebs listened dismally as the cane reboundedoff the cram-filled trews of Rosemary Booker’sjimjams. She counted down between strokes. Clairewas leaving precisely thirty seconds betweendeliveries. This meant that Debs would be bent over,primed and waiting for several minutes before itwould be her turn to be caned. She flinched as thecane sliced across her best chum’s voluptuousderriere with a resounding thwack.Deborah was keenly aware that her rear endwas not in optimum shape for another licking. Thestripes from the earlier beating by Ms Whittonstretched uncomfortably while she lay bent over theend of her bed.Eight hours after receiving a world classwhopping she was in a critical stage in the recoveryprocess.Immediately following the beating, Debs hadbeen forced to spend several hours with her poorbeleaguered bum pressed down on a series ofunforgiving wooden seats in the lecture rooms. The

And Then He Kissed Herstripes were still sizzling and had acted as a constantdistraction as she had done her best to concentrateon the tutorials. When the last bell rang Debs hadhurried up to the study she shared with Rosemary tohave soothing balms massaged into the thick redweals. The balms offered some degree of relief to thesurface flesh burns left by the violin bow but the painin her bum was already beginning work its way deepbeneath the skin and into her Gluteus Maximus.Although the eye-watering heat was graduallysubsiding the deeper under-burn phase was equallydistracting. Sudden movements could causeunexpectedly embarrassing breath-taking sensations.The whop-hardened veterans of the Back toSchool unit spent an inordinate amount of timeexperimenting with new strategies to reduce therecovery time. ‘Walking them off’ was a popularapproach. Most evenings several inmates could beseen taking a spin around the quadrangle in an effortto avoid the muscles in their bums stiffening up. Thegals who were walking off whops were easy to spot,they would be sporting a distinctive stiffness to theirgait and their hands were generally stuffed into thepockets of their blazers to resist the temptation torub.Rosemary and Debs linked arms and went fora stroll. Debs was determined to get over the worsteffects of the whops before an appointment she hadscheduled for later in the evening with a potentialsponsor.By the time Debs and Rosemary arrived intown the discomfort in Deborah’s backside hadsubsided to a dull but permanent throb. Her day was

51considerably cheered by an offer of a footwearendorsement in the event that she qualified to returnto the Grand Prix circuit. Once they were finished thetwo chums repaired to the VIP bar of Monets for acelebratory tipple.Debs looked bleakly down at her watch. “Canyou see where our cab is,” she asked the bar-tender.She groaned when the bar-keep returned andtold her that the cab had gone to the wrong addressand was still ten minutes away. Dismally Deborahopened her cell-phone and speed-dialed Lady Vix.“I’m sorry to bother you Victoria but we’re in abit of a fix,” she told the Red-shirt. “Rosie and I are inthe bar at Monets but our cab hasn’t arrived. We’regoing to be late and you know who’s acting as DutyDame don’t you? Patty fucking Hodge.”She listened intently. “Thanks Vix, you’re a realsport,” she said gratefully and closed her phone.“Well, good news and bad news,” she informedRosemary. “Bad news is that we’re due for awhopping when we get back, but the good news isthat we won’t be getting them from Patty. Vix is goingto unlock the gate of the orchard. If we call her asthe cab approaches she’ll make sure the coast isclear. We’ll get whopped by Claire and written up forgabbing.”Rosemary looked at her chum curiously. “Youkind of sacrificed our bumbags here didn’t you Debs?”she asked. “I mean you could have said that themeeting ran late and we were having trouble with thetaxi. You didn’t have to say we were in the bar.”Debs shrugged. “I could have told someporkies,” she acknowledged. “But Vix has

And Then He Kissed Herstraightened things with Mr Humphries and she toldhim that at least we did the right thing and called in.He’s good to us and it would be terrible to be caughtout in a silly lie.” She grinned at Rosemary. “Come onsis, I’ll buy you another vodka and tonic before thecab comes. It’ll help to be a bit squiffed up.”Rosemary groaned. “I know it’s only whops,”she said. “But Claire canes hard. What shape’s yourbum in for another licking?”“Not great,” confessed Debs. “But I’ll live, it’snot like it’s the first time I’ve been caned more thanonce in the same day.”She lifted her drink. “Bottoms up,” she toasted.Rosemary grimaced. She took Deborah’s glassand handed it back to the bartender. “Put anothershot in there,” she told him. “I think you’re going toneed it,” she said to Debs.Debs heard the sixth stroke crack offRosemary’s arse and then the soft-shoe shuffle ofClaire’s crepe soled shoes as she padded across thefloor. Debs gritted her teeth. The next few minutes ofher life did not look encouraging.

14Pace and AccuracyDeborah’s quest to scramble above LadyVictoria into the number two position on the All-timeBig BUTT was getting off to a far hotter start than shewould have cared for.On the GalGab web-site Claire Brooks garneredconsistently rave reviews for her consummate artistrywith the ashplant. When Debs had first beenwhopped across the jimjams by Claire she had postedan overall ranking for of eight point five for acombination of artistic merit, technical proficiency andheat-rating. It was a remarkable accolade for aprefect’s first outing with the whippy stick. Since thatinaugural caning learned and well-respected Woodypundits had slowly been nudging her scores upwards.Her average was now approaching nine point one.Judging from the first swipe Debs Morton was notfeeling inclined to disagree with agree with thespectacular reclassification.There was absolutely no question in Deborah’smind that if she was going to get twelve strokes of

And Then He Kissed Herthe cane she preferred to get it all in one sitting. Thesensation of the thin whippy stick reigniting the aftereffectsof her earlier thrashing by Ms Whitton wastruly eye-watering. She gritted her teeth and buriedher face in the duvet.Claire Brooks’s remarkable skill with the canewas not altogether surprising. The daughter of thepro-spanking activist Ma Brooks she had been bred bythe back of a wooden hairbrush. She had attendedthe ultra-posh Dayton Manor boarding school whereshe had earned the record as the second most canedschool pupil in history. Ironically the woman bendingover the bed in front of her held the unfortunaterecord as being number one.At Woodys she had continued to be canedconsistently enough that she had never left the topfive of the Hall of Shame and had regularly held thenumber one spot.Like most experts she understood that a trulyeffective caning was a mixture of pace and accuracy.Although she was extremely slender years of muckingout stables and humping bales of hay had given herparticularly strong wrists that allowed her to deliverthe last minute flick of the wrist with considerablepower.Debs left leg crooked backwards at the knee.The problem with receiving two world classwhoppings on the same day was that the second setof strokes were going to be delivered in exactly thesame target area as the first. The safe area of thefemale posterior known as the sweet spot is barely sixinches from top to bottom. When the cane strokes

55land in the sweet spot situated at the apex of thecurve of a correctly presented backside no lastingdamage will be sustained. While Deborah appreciatedthe safety of Claire’s artistry the perfect placement ofthe stripes right on top of the earlier caning wasdevastating.“I’m going back on patrol for a few minutes,”Claire told Debs and Rosemary. “If you want to dosome emergency repair work you’d better be quickand be careful. Patty’s the Duty Dame and she mightbe sneaking around. If you hear a door slammingfrom downstairs be warned. That’ll be me letting youknow Patty’s on the prowl.”Deborah hugged Victoria. “Thank you forcutting us some slack last night,” she said gratefully.“I owe you big-time.”Lady Vix hugged Debs back. “I cut you slackbecause you were completely honest with me. I knowyou could have made up some porkies, but you didn’tand I’m proud of you. I’m just sorry it had to end inwhops.”Debs shrugged. “Hey tell me a time in my lifewhen it didn’t end in whops,” she giggled.“So how was it?” asked Vix.“Not very good from my perspective,” admittedDebs. “I mean Claire’s as sound as a trout. Everythingis safe, she never misses or gives wraparounds butshe can really fucking scorch you.” She wriggledtheatrically. “Things are still pretty lively in mybumbags so I’m not planning on much goofing orgabbing today.”

And Then He Kissed HerVictoria grinned. “You’ve still got a ways to gobefore you take over from me as number two,” shetold Debs.Debs flushed slightly. “I know,” she said, “but Ihave to make a run at it, although I wasn’t exactlyplanning such a lively start to the campaign.”Victoria hugged Debs. “Good luck sis, youknow how it is, just keep on minxing and the whopswill come your way.”

15Madame DiderotLisa Sutton was in no doubt that whops wereabout to come her way. She was eyeball to eyeballwith Madame Diderot, gasping for breath as theFrench Dame yanked her forward by the knot of hertie. Madame was a fickle broad and was severelychallenged in the humor department, particularlywhen it came to wise-cracks about her countrymen.As soon as she opened her mouth Lisa realizedthat quoting Mark Twain’s observation that, “Francehas neither winter nor summer nor morals. Apartfrom these drawbacks it is a fine country. France hasusually been governed by prostitutes," might not havebeen well-received. Madame Diderot had snatched upher cane.Lisa Sutton reacted instinctively. She scrambledout of her seat and was about to bend herself overher desk when Madame’s long bony arm reached outand grabbed her by the tie. Lisa had been desperatelybeen trying to avoid having to experience what theWoody Wags referred to as the ‘French Yank’.

And Then He Kissed HerIn her youth Madame Diderot had beenconsidered something of a beauty. She had dancedbarefoot in nightclubs around the Algerian Quarterand developed a taste for Gaulloises and absinthe.She was married briefly to a refined nobleman butdivorced him when he declined her invitations tohandcuff him to their bed and so that she could beathim with her favorite six tailed flogger. She returnedto the Algerian Quarter where she found the NorthAfricans far more amenable to her desires to meteout punition corporelle.Corporal punishment had been officiallyabolished within the French school system in 1881 butmany of the finer institutes circumnavigated theabolition by employing independent martinets todiscipline delinquent pupils in private salons.Madame Diderot supplemented her generousalimony payments by establishing an agency ofdisciplinarians who were commissioned to fouettéover a thousand miscreants a year. It was lucrativework until one of her employees became over-zealousand Madame was forced to close the agency downand have it on her toes with some expediency toavoid a potential spell in chokey.Taking advantage of her degree in FrenchLiterature she crossed the channel and secured aposition at an exclusive boarding school where shewas delighted to find corporal punishment was stillstrongly encouraged. Unfortunately her liking forabsinthe caused friction with the governors and shewas obliged to tender her resignation. For severalyears she used bogus credentials to secure newpositions at prestigious boarding schools. A referencefrom a dead French President praising her tutorial

59work with a fictitious daughter was particularlyimpressive. Nonetheless her drunken antics generallycaused her to have to slink away at the dead of nightto avoid being sacked.She ended up at Dartington Manor where shewas befriended by Patty Hodge who had installedherself as the Mistress of Discipline. Patty took ashine to the Parisian and would occasionally allow herto participate in her thrashing duties. Madame Diderothad caned the backsides of both Cathryn andCassandra Cassidy long before they were sentencedto Woodys.When Patty was appointed Deputy GrandDame at the Back to School unit she immediatelyhanded Ms Lawton a copy of Madame Diderot’sresume, supported by the usual stack of boguscredentials. Madame was amongst the first recruits tothe new Brass.Sensibly Patty prevailed on her chum to cutback on the absinthe, particularly during the workingday. It transpired that she was a natural and giftededucator. She was genuinely passionate about boththe French language and her knowledge of Frenchliterature was staggering. Many of the inmates whohad spoken passable French when they had startedtheir sentences now spoke and wrote fluently. Herlectures and tutorials were generally quite popular.However, as she was demonstrating to LisaSutton could be a crabby cove. Her habit of yankingthe inmates from their seats by the knot of their tiesand then reeling them in across their desks wasparticularly unpopular. The face to face confrontationswere extremely unpleasant. The Woody Wagsspeculated that she had secured a supply of absinthe

And Then He Kissed Herflavored tooth-paste, her breath reeked of Gaulloisesand her choice of perfume appeared to be largelyinfluenced by the working girls on the la Rue Saint-Denis.Once riled her sophisticated universityeducated accent gave way to guttural, Parisian slang.Even Lisa who was extremely fluent in French haddifficulty deciphering much of Madame’s diatribe,although she did not require any assistancetranslating the Dame’s persistent references to six dumeilleur.

16Miss Lisa SuttonMadame Diderot was slowly circling Lisa’s desk.She still had a tight hold on her victim’s tie and kepttheir faces only inches apart. Once she reached thefar side of the desk she suddenly released her grip onLisa’s tie, grabbed her by the back of the neck andunceremoniously slammed her chest down across thelid. Still holding Lisa down by the neck Madameyanked back her skirt and sliced the cane downwards.The Woody gals found being held down acrossthe desk extremely undignified. However, Lisa had notime to voice her objections before her bumbags wereunder fire.The thrashing was over almost before itstarted. Unlike the other members of the Brass,Madame had no time for meticulous set-ups. She wasthe only member of the Brass who did not require hervictims to remove their blazers, took no practiceswings and the only separation between the strokeswas the time it took her to bring her arm back.

And Then He Kissed HerSurprisingly, her canings were remarkablyeffective. Lisa’s feet were stamping on the floor andher buttocks squirming wildly. Despite the speed ofdelivery the strokes landed safely in the sweet spot invery close proximity of each other. There was no timefor the stripes to settle down, within the space ofthirty seconds Lisa’s backside had been turned into aball of fire.When she was yanked back into the verticalshe was still stamping her feet and shaking her headin bewilderment. She snatched back at the seat of herskirt and only barely managed to stop herself frompublicly rubbing.Madame reached into the breast pocket ofLisa’s blazer and extracted her small punishmentrecord book. “Follow me,” she growled and stalkedback towards the front of the lecture room.Lisa Sutton wriggled and squirmed in the hardwooden seat. Her latest encounter with the cane hadbeen another set-back to her reform campaign. Unlikemany of the mega-minxes Lisa Sutton had nocompetitive aspirations for greatness on the Hall ofShame. Lisa’s popular mantra was that she was, “avery naughty gal, but not a bad gal.”She admits that at primary school she spent aninordinate time standing in the corner but is quick topoint it was mainly because she was such achatterbox. At boarding school she was a regularvisitor to the Sin Bin to write endless lines but againher school reports confirm it was generally for herendless nattering. She was a brilliant academic andwas appointed as Headgirl. A role she performed,

63according to her contemporaries, with considerablecare and compassion.She won a place at Camford where her PhysicsDons proclaimed her as one of the great scientificbrains of her generation. However, at university shediscovered a fondness for wining and dining,particularly the wining. She became a regular atLadette sponsored raves and began to attract theattention of the Dark Agents of the System.Lisa’s cause was not helped by the fact thather father was the flamboyant international playboy,Johnny Sutton. At eighteen Johnny had inherited apharmaceutical empire that he had immediatelydismantled and sold off for billions. He would neverwork a day in his life. He gained a reputation as aRomeo and married one of the great beauties of theday. They welcomed the birth of Lisa but shortly afterit occurred to Johnny that his new wife was certifiablybarking. He arranged for their mansion to be fullystaffed with the necessary nurses and attendants andtook to the high seas on the world’s fourth largestyacht. Lisa was brought up by a series of au-pairs andnanny’s.Reports of Lisa’s appearances at the Ladetteraves were generally suffixed by references to herfather and his widely documented shenanigans. TheDark Agents began to lick their lips and the bounty onher bumbags kept increasing. She was finally arrestedand the Dark Agents lobbied for a full sentence at theBig House. Fortunately her Dons staged anintervention and managed to negotiate a two-yearsentence at the lower security Radcliffe Back toSchool unit.

And Then He Kissed HerLisa was a popular member of the communityand worked hard on her research for her thesis onsuperconductivity. She regularly helped the otherinmates by tutoring them and assisting them incompleting applications to colleges and universitiesoffering mature student programs to reformedLadettes.However, unbeknownst to Lisa the Dark Agentscontinued to be aggrieved at the paltry bounty theyhad received when she was sent to Radcliffe andmaintained her on their Serious Target list.In a Machiavellian plot that would not beexposed for several years the Grand Dame of thefacility was offered a considerable financialinducement to stitch Lisa up like a kipper.She was accused of authoring universityapplications for her chums in return for payment.When Lisa protested her innocence the Grand Dameprocured a cane and gave her three strokes acrossthe palm of her left hand. Lisa continued to protestand filed a complaint with the System. To her horrorand astonishment several Dark Agents arrived at thefacility, informed her that her appeal had beenrejected, hand-cuffed her and drove her away to befitted for clobber.She had started her whops and clobberexperience on her second day at Woodys and wouldbecome infamous for her observation that, “threestrokes across the palm of the left hand hardlyprepares you for six hot ones across the seat of thinpajamas.”

17These Bumbags are Out!“She’s always gabbing about reform,”complained Cassie Cassy, “and then she goes andgets herself whopped.”Jojo smiled at her chum. She was used toCassie ranting and raving about the performances ofher competitors on the Big BUTT and she was knownto be particularly verbose on the subject of LisaSutton.“I truly don’t believe she goes out of way toget herself whopped,” Jojo told her chum.“Hmmph!” snorted Cassie, “how can you getwhopped that often if you’re not trying?”“Perhaps she’s just unlucky,” suggested Jojo.Cassie Cassy did not look the least bitconvinced.Lisa Sutton considered herself to be extremelyunlucky to have been bent over for the second time inthe space of six hours.Over lunch she had emphatically assured herbest chum, Bernadette Summers, that she was

And Then He Kissed Herrestructuring her campaign for reform with immediateeffect.“Some of my previous strategies have beenunsuccessful but I also think that I have beenunlucky,” she told the Bounder. “I need to take badluck out of the equation.”“Yeah,” drawled Bernadette, “It occurred to methat you were particularly unlucky to be whopped fortelling that old crow Diderot that her country’sPresidents were all fucking whores. I can’t imaginewhy she would get the pip.”Lisa frowned. “Twain wasn’t referring to streetwalkers;he was just commenting that many FrenchPresidents have shown a predilection for makingpolicy decisions based upon the requirements of thehighest bidder. Madame Diderot knew exactly what Iwas talking about but it was just my luck that sheprobably had a roaring hangover.”Bernadette spooned some salad into hermouth and nodded. “Well put in that context I cansee how you might feel you had a touch of bad luck.”Lisa scowled. “There’s no need for you to besarcastic,” she snorted. “I’ll show you. Just watchthese bumbags! These bumbags are out!”There is little more annoying for a gal on adetermined reform campaign than to have herconcentration suddenly interrupted by the sensationof a stream of icy water hitting her in the back of theneck and then water slowly dripping down inside herblouse and soaking the material.Lisa leapt to her feet, her chair scraping noisilyacross the wooden floor, grabbing a hanky and tryingto pat her neck dry and to stem the annoying stream.

67At the front of the lecture room StephaniePowell looked up from the assignments she wasmarking.“What the Dickens?” asked the Dame, “what isit Sutton?”Lisa thought on her feet. “It was a bee orsomething Ma’am,” she answered hurriedly. “I hatebees.”Ms Powell looked suspicious. “A bee, I don’tsee any bees.”Lisa looked about the room. “No Ma’am, I don’tknow what it was, but I swore I heard one behindme. I’m sorry for the interruption.”Stephanie Powell just nodded. “Well sit backdown and finish your essay,” she said finally.Lisa was seething. For the next hour she wasforced to sit through two lectures with the cold, dampmaterial of her blouse sticking to her backuncomfortably. It was most disagreeable.As usual her first suspect was the Bounder butas they were seated at directly adjacent desks itwould have taken an act of remarkable contortion tohave squirted her in the neck. With Bernadette out ofthe running as a suspect Lisa was convinced that theprime candidate as the culprit was Ali Stone.Lisa found herself in a dilemma. As the firstaction of her reform campaign she had emptied hersatchel of her usual artillery and placed it in herlocker. She considered this to be a symbolicrepresentation of her determination to reform. It alsoleft her defenseless and prey to pranksters like Ali.

And Then He Kissed HerIn all fairness she had not had the opportunityto share her plans for her most recent program withAli and she understood Miss Stone would haveconsidered her fair game for a soaking.The Minxster and the AliKat were tight, so Lisaconsidered approaching Ali and simply declaringherself out of the game. However, Lisa doubted thatAli would be easily convinced. Lisa acknowledged thatthis was not the first time she had rolled out bolddeclarations regarding her plans for reform. Herprevious campaigns had not proven overly successfuland she suspected that Ali might think that she wasbeing duped.The alternative would be to do nothing andtotally ignore being shot at with a high poweredwater pistol. That was not an attractive proposition. Ifword got out she would become a sitting duck forinmates armed with catapults, water pistols and peashooters.Wearily, during afternoon break, Lisa retired toher study, put on a clean, dry blouse and retrievedher Vintage Wyandotte pistol with a seven inch nozzleand loaded it with ice cold water.

18GotchaLisa couldn’t help noticing that when theyreturned to the lecture hall following the afternoonbreak Ali waited until she saw where she was sittingand then came and plonked herself down at the nextdesk. Ali smiled cheerily at the Minxster and coollyproceeded to set out her books. Lisa returned Ali’ssmile and carried on with her own preparations.Ali Stone was a professional prankster. Duringher period as an aspiring actress she had taken workwith a troupe of magicians and clowns and learnedsleight of hand. She practiced her skills around thecompound by deftly attaching signs to the back ofunsuspecting inmate’s blazers with witticisms such as‘Kick Me’ or ‘Former Professional Bicycle’ printed inher trademark ‘kidnappers’ font. Ali thought it was ahoot but her victims were rarely amused.Lisa had good reason to suspect Ali as herassailant. The AliKat was an avid collector of vintagewater pistols, pea-shooters and catapults. She had

And Then He Kissed Herseveral trunks in her study filled with booty she hadprocured at on-line auctions and each item was neatlycatalogued. Aside from her antics with her unpopularstick-on signs she was also well known for stagingambushes with her vast armory.Lisa loved Ali like a sister but there was acertain air of smugness about her chum that wasgiving her the pip. Unfortunately, with Ali seated soclose there was not much chance of staging asurprise attack. Lisa stared towards the front of thelecture room and inwardly seethed.Ali planned on giving Lisa a wide-berth for afew hours. She knew from experience that her chumwould soon cool down and forget the incident in thelecture hall. The AliKat was confident that she wouldbe able to chalk up a comfortable victory over theMinxster.Lisa finished her evening study assignmentsahead of schedule and decided to take a spin aroundthe quad. The cloisters, quadrangle and recreationarea were all quite quiet with the majority of theinmates still inside poring over their books.It was a pleasant evening and Lisa found ashady spot beneath a tree and sat down to enjoy afag and a good read of a book on Time-IndependentPerturbation Theory. She was beginning to doze offwhen she was snapped back into consciousness bythe sight of the lone figure of Ali Stone emerging fromthe cloisters. Lisa slid around behind the tree andchecked out the lay of the land. Ali was dressed in awhite shirt, jodhpurs and tall riding boots. She had

71her riding hat and crop under her arm. She wasstriding purposefully towards the stable area.Lisa had something of a head start. Shereached down and took her Wyandotte out of hersatchel and darted across the far side of therecreation area, careful to keep out of Ali’s line ofsight. She scurried through the back-gate and thentip-toed into the stable area. Lisa went into the tackroom and took cover behind the door.Ali Stone hurried into the tack room andcrossed to the saddle tree. She was about to hoistdown her saddle when Lisa whistled at her. Ali spanaround and was caught between the eyes by a thinstream of water. Lisa proceeded to gleefully douseher up and down, soaking her from head to foot,grinning like a Cheshire Cat.“Gotcha,” she gloated.“And I’ve got you, young lady,” snapped JaneLummell as she stepped into the room and grabbedLisa’s wrist, forcing her to drop the pistol.“Awwww man!” wailed Lisa as she wasdragged stumbling across the stables towards a baleof hay.“Hand me that riding crop,” Ms Lummellinstructed Ali.“Awwww man!” groaned Lisa as her skirt wasturned back.Jane Lummell split her time between teachingphysical education and running the equestrianprogram. She was as fit as a butcher’s dog and hadone of the most respected right arms amongst theBrass.

And Then He Kissed HerAlthough she was a fully paid up member ofthe Liberal Left and a great defender of minx rightsshe was a no nonsense disciplinarian. She broughtthe braided, leather riding crop down with a crack.Lisa tottered out of the stables like a Fridaynight drunk. There had been absolutely no-nonsenseabout the thrashing she had just received. Shecouldn’t believe her bad luck as smoke billowed outfrom beneath her skirt as she staggered back towardsthe recreation area.

19Patty KvetchesAs the winter term drew to a close the inmatesincreasingly suffered from cabin-fever and the soundof canes, straps and slippers rebounding off navy bluebumbags echoed around the facility morning, noonand night.Jojo, Debs, Cassie Cassy and the unwillingMinxster slugged it out at the top of the Hall ofShame. Despite Lisa’s reluctance there were dozensof gals happy to participate in the perpetual game ofcat and mouse with the Brass and the Elite and morethan willing to run the risk of whops in exchange forthe pleasures of goofing, pranking, larking and japing.For once Patty Hodge had little to complainabout. With the escalation of whops her cohorts onthe Radical Right and her pawns from the SS wereeasily meeting their quotas.Katie Beck was having a field day. After twelveweeks the inmates clobber had taken some toughwear and tear. Many of the inmates who had plannedon waiting until the furlough before renewing their

And Then He Kissed Herwardrobes found themselves head down, arse upacross Katie’s lap.Nonetheless, Patty remained concerned aboutthe increasing influence of Lady Victoria Bromptonand the consistent erosion of her own power-base.She was also deeply perturbed by the role that herarch-enemy Cat Cassidy seemed to be taking inmatters of policy and protocol. She lay in bed at nightgnashing her teeth and wringing her hands, plottingand planning the downfall of her enemies.Mr Humphries poured Victoria and Cathrynglasses of Charles Heidsieck 1995 Blanc deMillenaires. Over the past three months hisconfidence and admiration for Lady Victoria hadcontinued to grow. He admired the way that she hadmolded her Elite into an efficient corps thatadministered the facility with impeccable fairness. Heliked her potty-mouthed outspokenness and herwillingness to stand up for the under-dog regardlessof any negative personal consequences. Nonetheless,he was also aware that whenever Vix suffered anyuncertainty it was her old chum Cathryn that sheturned to for counsel and guidance.Cat Cassidy was no longer officially an inmateof the facility. She had completed her seven-yearsentence and was now on a year’s probation beforeshe could be formally declared as successfullyreformed.Under a newly introduced program Cat hadelected to remain as a resident of the compound asan ‘Old Gal’. She was studying for a degree ininternational business on-line.

75Cathryn had been the first ‘Celebrity Ladette’ tobe targeted by the Dark Agents. She had beenbranded in the gutter-press as the ‘Nation’s MostExtreme Ladette’, and the covert governmentorganization known as the System had approved ahalf million quid bounty on her bumbags.Her arrest and sentencing had madeinternational headlines and sparked a worldwide ‘FreeCat’ campaign. In a desperate attempt to divert theGreat Unwashed’s attention the System launched the‘Purge of the Ladettes’. In the space of twenty-fourhours they arrested top equestrian Penny Ann Evans,the potential Olympic champions Patsy and LindseyButcher, and Cat’s great chum Melanie White. TheDark Agents filled the media with Anti-Ladettepropaganda and whipped the Great Unwashed into afever.The purge of the celebrities coincided with theSystems first successful prosecution of the highestechelons of the notorious street-gang, theConfederacy of Yoofs, since the arrest and sentencingof Katie Beck. Yvonne Godfrey and her toplieutenants, Mitch the Bitch, Ivan the Terrible, JulietSpage and Jayne Underly were all dispatched to theBig House to serve seven year sentences.The System declared the Purge of the Ladettesa great success and for the first time in months theratings of the most incompetent government in thenation’s history began to rise.In the public furore the ‘Free Cat’ campaignwas widely forgotten and cynical commentatorsoccasionally referred to it as the ‘Whose Cat?’campaign.

And Then He Kissed HerHowever, Cat did not retreat into the nightquietly. At Woodys she was reunited with anotherhigh-profile Extreme Ladette, April Turner. April hadalready made a name for herself as a trouble-makerand had established the record for being spankedduring her Bratyear. She was caned on the secondday following the commencement of Phase 2 of hersentence.Inspired by her old chums example Cat woulddraft the ‘Manifesto of Mega-minxdom’ extolling thevirtues of subversive action against the austereregime.Cat led with her bumbags and was soon amain contender for the title of Big BUTT. She wasbold, brave and beautiful and a natural leader of thegrowing, subterranean cult of the mega-minxes.Patty Hodge hated Cat. They had historydating back to Cathryn’s schooldays when Patty hadacted as Mistress of Discipline at Dartington Manor.Patty had thrashed Cathryn at every opportunity butCat never seemed to care. At Woodys Patty did herbest to persecute Cathryn but Cat regularly retaliatedby hacking Patty in the shins. Although she wasoccasionally obliged to publicly flog her, Ms Lawtonsecretly approved of Cat’s reaction.Mr Humphries considered the strong-willed Catto be an ideal candidate to join the Executive Councilhe planned to announce before the term was out.

20Spanking RosemaryKatie Beck was extremely displeased to besummonsed to Patty’s study for another half hourharangue regarding her inability to make anyprogress in the ‘Get Brompton’ program.Katie had been kicking back reveling in thememory of her recent deeply satisfying slippering ofRosemary Booker when she received the peskysummons.Spanking Rosemary counted amongst Katie’sgreat pleasures in life. For the past six years Rosiehad been one of her most consistent customers.Despite being strikingly beautiful Rosemary sufferedfrom considerable clobber challenges. She regularlylooked like a clobber train-wreck. The tails of herblouse would hang out, one of her socks would bearound her ankles, her tie would be skew-whiff andher skirt and blazer coated in dust.She regularly handed in clobber for laundry inan abusive state. Katie had been overjoyed to find areport from the laundry inspectors that Rosemary had

And Then He Kissed Herhanded in a blouse with a button replaced with thewrong thread. Not merely a slight variation on therare and hard to procure thread that Katie had slippedinto the protocols of the Politics of Clobber, but someform of dark wool that contrasted starkly with theother buttons on the blouse. Katie was thoroughlydelighted. There was no question that Rosemary waslegitimately due for a slippering.Katie took her time spreading Rosemary outacross her lap. She intended to savor every moment.She neatly turned back her victims skirt and thenfolded back the tail of her blouse. Katie looked downat the tightly stretched gossamer that seemed tofollow the voluptuous contours of Rosemary’scelebrated rear end.Years earlier when she was still struggling toestablish her Booker’s Balms business Rosemary hadbeen dubbed Rear of the Year by a journalist. Thetitle had been picked up in the national press and shewas soon in great demand to make mediaappearances to show off her remarkable derriere.Despite a natural tendency to shyness Rosemaryspotted a marketing opportunity and cut a deal with afashion house who supplied her tight fitting jeanswith ‘Bookers Bum’ embroidered across the seat. Inreturn for showing off her enviable protuberance shegot to advertise her mystic balms. Within twelvemonths she was a multi-millionaire and voted as the‘Young Internet Entrepreneur of the Year’.At Woodys her famous rear end had become apopular target for the Whop Junkies. However, theysoon found themselves confronted with a significantchallenge. Miss Booker appeared to be remarkably

79insouciant about their assaults on her rear end. Afterher first ever spanking she cheerfully announced thatshe didn’t see what all the fuss was about and that itwas ‘only whops’, spawning the popular Woodymantra.Nonetheless, Katie still derived considerablepleasure from any opportunity she was extended toput Rosemary over her knee and was determined toenjoy herself. She brought the leather-soled slipperdown with extreme prejudice.Even though Rosemary couldn’t give a tinker’sabout being spanked with a slipper she was notenjoying herself. Like the other inmates she hated thenotion that a bitch with a superiority complex the sizeof Katie’s had the authority to put her over her knee.Katie Beck knew from personal experience thatthere was a considerable amount of indignityassociated with the over the knee position so sheliked to make her victims experience as disagreeableas possible.She took her time annoying Rosemary bymaneuvering and manipulating her into position untilshe was finally satisfied. All the while she maintaineda running commentary regarding her intentions forRosemary’s rear end. Rosemary was severely temptedto reach back and bury her gnashers in Katie’sunprotected calf.Despite Rosemary’s resolute determination notto twitch a muscle Katie had thoroughly enjoyedherself. There was no better way to start the day, inKatie’s opinion, than a fresh cup of coffee

And Then He Kissed Heraccompanied by the sound of a leather slipperrebounding off an upturned backside. By the time shewas finished with Rosemary she was feelingconsiderably buoyed and leaned back in her chair tocontemplate what further havoc she could causearound the facility during the remainder of the day.She was deeply irritated to have her deliciousthoughts interrupted by Patty Hodge’s autocraticsummons.

21A Casual Walk-byKatie did not care for Patty’s manner in theleast bit. The Deputy Grand Dame had failed to offerher a seat and had left her standing in front of herdesk like some recalcitrant grubby.“I have to say I am disappointed,” said Patty.“I promoted you to Commander of Field Operationsand your first mission was to dish up some dirt onVictoria Brompton. So far I have observed you haveachieved no progress in the operation.”“This is not an easy operation,” said Katieheatedly. “Brompton is in thick with the Grand Masterand I suspect that bitch Cassidy has spies out all overthe unit covering her chums bumbags. It has alwaysbeen a risky proposition and our field operatives arebeing very cagey.”“Then discipline them and exert someauthority,” snapped Patty. “I want to see someresults.”“Discipline them? And what might I ask do yousuggest?” spluttered Katie incredulously. “I hardlythink that the Wart or Ms Whitton is going to be up

And Then He Kissed Herfor a trip over my knee, and if we don’t guaranteeprotection to the two Sally’s they are likely to resigntheir SS commissions. We need to be realistic in ourexpectations.”Patty stood up and leaned across her desk. “Idid not get where I am today by being lily-livered,”she snarled. “I have always respected you becauseyou are an evil, rotten-minded, scheming andconniving bitch, please do not disappoint me further,”she said and dismissed Katie with a wave of her arm.“Heyho, Katie,” drawled Cat Cassidy falling intostride next to the unit’s matron. “Been visiting withPatty?”“What’s it got to do with you, Cassidy?” snarledKatie.“Me? Nothing, I was just making passingconversation,” Cat winked at Katie. “Cya,” shedrawled and sauntered off.Katie watched Cat’s retreating figure. She wasaware that Cathryn Cassidy not greatly given toindulging in idle conversation, especially when it cameto members of the Radical Right. She shivered. Whenthe truth was told Cat scared the bejaysus out of her.Despite her ultra-cool demeanor Cat could beextremely threatening. Although she lacked the overtpugnaciousness of Lady Victoria, Katie knew that justbelow the surface of Cat’s outwardly languid personalay a seasoned street-fighter.During Operation Scorched Arse, in spite offacing over-whelming odds, Cat had gone toe-to-toeagainst the Radical Right and the most heinous SSever assembled in the history of the unit. Despite thewell-documented atrocities perpetuated during OSA

83the majority of Woody historians claim ultimatevictory for Cat and the mega-minxes over PattyHodge and her thugs. Katie was somewhat unnervedby Cat’s casual walk-by.“She’s fucking barking,” Katie complained tothe Wart. “What does she expect me to do?Brompton’s got her nose up the Grand Master’s arseand now Cassidy is threatening me.”“Thlish ish not the tlime to shloose yoursnerves,” counseled the Wart.Katie was beginning to regret treating MsWharton to half a dozen Patron tequila slammersbefore seeking her advice.“I am not losing my nerve,” snapped Katie, “Iam just being practical. Patty is losing her touch andall our bumbags are becoming endangered.”“Shplatty ish good too you,” slurred the Wart.“Shlee plomoted you, shlee never plomotes me.”“Oh good grief,” muttered Katie. “Where isShplatty, oh shit, Patty?” she enquired.“She’s getting shplaid,” said the Wartconspiratorially, “with that rich shtoy-boy that’s beenshniffing about.” The Wart cackled to herself andswallowed down her shot.Katie rolled her eyes. She called over the bartenderand gave him her sweetest smile. She reachedout and palmed him a five quid note into his hand.She leaned forward and whispered in her ear. “Giveher the rest of the bottle and put it all on Patty’saccount. Back date the invoice to a few days ago.”“Yes, Miss Beck,” said the barman. “And MissBeck, I have a night off on Friday, I was wondering…”

And Then He Kissed Her“Wondering whether I’ll go out with you?” shesnapped imperiously. “If you get us a front table atMonets I’m sure I could be persuaded; now be agood little chap and go and check whether my cab iswaiting.”

22Bottoms Up, SirJojo, Debs and Cassie Cassy considered thewinter term to have been a success. All three womenhad declared their intentions earlier in the year thatthey were each determined to score a Bull. When thebuzzer sounded to end the formal curriculum theyhad all comfortably managed to significantly exceedthe statistical minimum they had hoped to achieve inthe first thirteen week session.Lisa Sutton and Claire Brooks considered thewinter term to be a disaster. Lisa had no aspirationsfor greatness on the Big BUTT and had embarkedupon one of history’s most unsuccessful reformcampaigns. Claire was doing her best to honor herposition as a senior member of the Elite but herunfortunate penchant for pith almost guaranteed thatshe would shortly go down in history as the unitsmost beaten prefect.Bernadette Summers was rubbing herbumbags with glee. The inmates’ unpredictable

And Then He Kissed Herperformances during the past thirteen weeks hadmade the gambling arm of her business operationssome serious squids. Although she was only allowedto retain a fifteen per-cent profit the elastic waistbandof her bumbags were permanently stuffed with thickwads of dosh.Other arms of her operation were alsoprofitable. She supplied Cassie and Dotty’s kitchenwith whatever was needed, maintained the GrandMasters wine cellar and got Nixdown whatever techiekit she needed to keep the server up and running.More than occasionally her business activitieshad interfered with her work or study assignmentsand she had been routinely whopped. The Bounderconsidered a few whops to be a small price to pay forthe considerable profits that she was raking in forBernadette Summers Enterprises.On Friday evening once the final lectures werecompleted the Grand Master granted passes for theinmates to go into town to complete any last minuteXmas shopping they might need to perform.Lady Vix and Cat mobilized the Elite and theOld Gals to maintain contact points in the local townin case any over-ambitious members of the localstreet gang known as the Confederacy of Yoofs mightthink it a wizard wheeze to try to have some fun withthe inmates.Mr Humphries cruised the town in an SUV withhis phone on Bluetooth so he could maintaincommunications. Generally the Yoofs treated theinmates with a certain degree of respect in deferenceto their well-publicized sentences for ExtremeLadetting. Nonetheless, the Grand Master was aware

87that they would probably be indulging in someChristmas cheer and he couldn’t be too careful.All in all Mr Humphries considered his first termas Grand Master to be a success. He had gone toconsiderable lengths to re-establish morale that hadbeen severely eroded during Operation ScorchedArse.The Grand Master had methodically usurpedthe power of Patty Hodge and her cohorts and hadslowly shifted the balance of power into the capablehands of Lady Victoria Brompton.Lady Vix was proving to be an admirable Redshirt.She was unfailingly even-handed but she alsoexecuted the disciplinary end of her businessunflinchingly. She had outlawed the heinous practicesof collaring and sweating that had been commonlyperpetrated by Yvonne Godfrey and her cronies. Shehad prohibited sporting spankings and enforced herpoint by putting Sally Cobb over her knee when shetried to embark on a spree of serial spanking.Ironically, despite the termination of OperationScorched Arse, the whop rate had been higher duringhis first term as principal than during the last winterof Ms Lawton’s tenure. However, he believed that thiswas more as a result of increased rambunctiousnessin a more enlightened atmosphere than the programof hostile targeting that had prevailed during theprevious year.The Grand Master had become fond of his newcharges and was not in the least bit perturbed bytheir boisterous behavior. As far as he was concernedif they were willing to risk six hot ones across the seatof their bumbags that was their business.

And Then He Kissed HerHe looked at his watch. He had established anine o’clock curfew and the gals would becongregating at the bus stop. He circled the SUVaround and went to check on their safe return to thecompound.Victoria and Cat Cassidy were at the bus-stopchecking off names and waiting for any stragglers. Helowered the electric window.“Everybody accounted for?” he asked the Redshirt.Victoria nodded. “The last gals are on the busthat just left, Cat and I are going to take a cab.”The Grand Master opened the doors to thevehicle. “No need for that, hop in,” he told the twochums. “Dotty Hammell is on duty back at the facilityso she’ll let me know if anybody somehow gets lost inaction. Let’s stop off at Monets, I’m sure that youcould both do with a drink.”Vix and Cat were surprisingly un-self consciousabout sitting in VIP bar dressed in Woody clobber.After seven years at the unit they had becomeimmune to the curious stares they attracted whenthey were out and about.Mr Humphries order a bottle of Dom.“I’d like to thank you for your support,” he toldthe two chums. “I think we have made considerableprogress during these past few months.”Cat and Victoria raised their glasses. “Bottomsup to you, sir,” said Cat and Victoria giggled.

23A Sensational FeastThe atmosphere in the Great Hall was festiveon the last evening of the winter term. A low tablehad been placed in front of a blazing fire and was setwith glass vases filled with festive blooms and bowlsof fresh seasonal fruit. Heidi Alexander and Linda Ashcirculated with trays filled with lemon vodka martinisand bite sized appetizers.As usual Cassie Cassy had excelled herself andthe grateful inmates chowed down on brioche roundswith crème fraiche and golden caviar, skewers ofscallop ceviche, and pecorino gougeres withproscuitto.The carefully selected guests circulatedexcitedly discussing the arrangements for theupcoming furlough. In less than twenty-four hoursthey would be freed for three full weeks. However,the conditions of their brief release were restrictive.They were monitored by Court Appointed Guardianson the payroll of the Dark Agents of the System.Prohibitive curfews from appearing in public after

And Then He Kissed Hermidnight were imposed and even a minor violationcould result in a disciplinary hearing and the potentialfor a sentence extension. Despite being banged uptogether for thirty-nine weeks of the year the Woodygals had learned the wisdom of taking sanctuary atthe numerous safe havens offered by their familiesand friends.Nixdown’s father offered the gals a residencewith a private beach down on the South Coast, theCassidy family welcomed anyone to their town-housein Eton Square or their mansion in the village ofDartington, Brompton Castle was a permanent openhouse, and Lisa Sutton threw the doors open forguests at the family pile. The newcomers Heidi andthe Lash generously promised free access to theirfamily estates.As an entrée Cassie had prepared standing ribroastsencrusted in lavender, rosemary and oregano,accompanied by roasted fingerling potatoes andasparagus cooked in tarragon infused butter. She hadselected bottles of a 2006 Pascual Toso Malbec fromthe Grand Master’s private collection.To top it all off Cassie brought out a tray ofdelights she had hand made using Columbian Chucurichocolate filled with Benedictine. It was a sensationalfeast.Following the fine repaste Mr Humphriesgenerously allowed the guests a half hour respite toallow Cassie and her helpers to take a shower andchange into their clobber before the after dinnerentertainment began.

91“You’re a fucking card sharp,” Jojo whisperedin the Grand Master’s ear as she rose to her feet.Mr Humphries just smiled benignly and turnedover a second card. “A black queen,” he said.Momentarily a chair scraped and Claire Brooks rose toher feet, looking resigned.Mr Humphries stood up and sauntered acrossto the stage. Theatrically he pulled the sash andopened the lush velvet curtains. Up on the stage,swathed in a spotlight stood the spanking stool. On adesk to the side Mr Humphries’s full inventory of toyswere displayed.“Now my friends this is how tonight’s game willbe played,” the Grand Master explained. “Red card,red arse. Black card, black heart.”Joanna Heyworth sat atop the high stool withthe bare bottomed prefect dangled over her knees.She looked down thoughtfully at her prostrated chumwhose arms and legs hung down, unable to reach thefloor. Occasionally Jojo had dwelt on the fact that oneday she would ceremonially thrashed into the Eliteand bestowed with the authority to beat her fellowinmates. She assured herself that she would bejudicious and not to abuse her power to avenge themany thrashings she herself had suffered at thehands of bygone pre’s. Nonetheless, looking down atClaire’s slender behind she felt that it would not beout of line to wreak a little revenge for the class ninecaning she had recently received from Claire up in thelibrary. Jojo raised the brush in the air and brought itdown cracking.

And Then He Kissed Her“Bravo,” laughed the Grand Master after thegal’s had returned to their seats, “bravo Jojo. Nowthat’s what I call a damn good spanking. What sayyou Miss Brooks?”“Damn good,” the prefect acknowledgedruefully. “Very damn good.”Joanna curtsied. She couldn’t deny that shehad felt a twinge of satisfaction as the legendaryprefect had begun to wriggle and squirm under theassault.The Grand Master winked at Jojo and dealt twomore cards.

24Festive SpankingsIt was a long night of festive wining, diningand copious spanking.Twenty-two inmates sat down to dine,Twenty-two inmates drank too much wine,Twenty-two inmates never felt so fine,Until Mr HumphriesPut their bums on the line.No bum went unaccounted for and every guestwas provided the opportunity to act as both thespanked and the spanker.Mr Humphries had brought the full inventory ofthe Woody artillery to the party and the guests withthe red cards often squealed with dismay if aparticularly disliked instrument was selected for theirbacksides. The spankings were delivered in the festivespirit that they were designed. Nonetheless, theguests seated around the table couldn’t help noticingthat the gals who had got their bottoms heated firstwarmed to their work with conspicuous zeal.

And Then He Kissed HerIt was late in the night before the sounds ofcanes, straps and slippers ceased to echo around thefour corners of the Great Hall.In some strata’s of society topping off aspectacular feast by being dangled over a chums lapand having ones bottom warmed up might beconsidered a little queer. But to the inmates of theWoody Back to School unit it seemed perfectlynatural.Mr Humphries watched indulgently as hisguests availed of the well-stocked wet bar as theyjoshed and teased each other over the quality ofspankings that they had either received or delivered.Bragging rights were at a premium the squiffier theybecame.During the first hundred days that he hadpresided over the nation’s most extreme socialrehabilitation unit he had grown fond of his wardsand most particularly the more disciplinary challengedamongst the inmates.Victoria Brompton slid into a seat next to him.She winced as she sat down and then giggled. “Onlyjoking,” she chuckled, “Cat let me off lightly.”The Grand Master smiled and sipped from hisglass of port.“We’re doing good aren’t we, sir?” she asked.“Everyone seems a lot happier than they were a yearago. Last Xmas we were breaking down the fawkin’walls to get out of here.”“I understand that last year was tough foreverybody,” said Mr Humphries, “but Ms Lawton wasdoing what she felt was right. It was just anexperiment and it didn’t work out. But don’t think she

95didn’t care about you gals, she did and she still does.She phones me every week. She’s especiallyinterested in your performance. She’s very proud ofyou.”Victoria flushed prettily.Debs slid into a seat beside the Grand Master.“I just wanted to wish you a Happy Xmas and tothank you for all you’ve done for me,” she told him.“Thank you Deborah, and a Happy Xmas toyou too,” said the Grand Master. “How do you thinkyou’ll do in Glasgow?”Deborah shrugged. “It’ll be a real test. This willbe the first time in six years I’ll be up against the prosexcept in exhibitions. But once again I want to thankyou for arranging the opportunity. I know it can’thave been easy, especially after I was formallyflunked last year.”The Grand Master smiled. “That’s all behindyou now, so go out there and enjoy yourself. JaneLummell says that you’re in great shape, so I’m sureyou’ll do yourself proud.”“I’ll try and make you all proud,” said Debssincerely and went back to join the throng.Jojo sat down beside the Grand Master. “Can Iget you another drink, sir?” she asked.Mr Humphries shook his head. “No thanks, itsgetting late and we should start to wrap up.Everybody has a busy day tomorrow getting ready toget out of here.”“What do you do for Xmas, sir?” asked Jojocuriously.

And Then He Kissed HerThe Grand Master just smiled. “I have stuff totake care of,” he told her.Jojo cocked her head. “Stuff? What kind ofstuff, sir?”“Just stuff,” he smiled. “But Lord Bromptonand Victoria have been kind enough to invite me tothe castle for the New Years Ball. I take it you’ll bethere?”“With bells on,” laughed Jojo.“You like her, don’t you?” smiled Lady Victoria.“Who?” asked Mr Humphries innocently.“Yeah right,” grinned Lady Vix. “Rock on,Grand Master.”

25A Xmas KissJojo looked out of the window. The quadranglewas packed with inmates rolling their suitcases to thevarious means of transport that would carry themfrom the facility to enjoy the Christmas furlough. Inthe distance she could hear Nixdown’s father’shelicopter approaching. Jojo and Nix were planningon spending the first few days of furlough at NicolaJane’s beach-side residence before joining theirfamilies for the yuletide celebrations.Jojo looked down at her watch. Nicola Janewas still down in the stables, presumably boffingPenny Ann or getting her arse whapped or probablyboth. It would probably be another hour before Nixsurfaced and the chopper was refueled. She was idlywondering how to fill the time when Lady Victoriaknocked on the door.“I just wanted to say ta-rah and make sureyou’re coming to the castle for the New Year’s bash,”she grinned.

And Then He Kissed Her“I’ll be there with bells on,” smiled Joanna.“I’m just waiting on Nix right now. She’s sayinggoodbye to Penny Ann.”Lady Victoria handed Jojo a bottle of LouisRoederer Premier Brut. “This might help you whileaway the time,” she smiled.Jojo grinned. “You’re so sweet, I’ll get someglasses.”“Sorry, sis, I can’t stay. Cat’s got a limo waitingand we’re going to stay at the manor house for a fewdays, so I have to run.” Lady Vix hugged Jojo. “Buthere’s a thought. Mr Humphries is upstairs and youknow he’s very partial to a drop of bubbly once in awhile. I’m sure that he’d appreciate the company.”Vix winked. “Bottom’s up sister,” and hurried out ofthe door.Jojo felt uncharacteristically anxious as sheknocked on the Grand Master’s door clutching a bottleof bubbly.“I don’t know whether there’s a protocol thatcovers this,” Jojo said nervously, “but I wonderedwhether you’d like to partake of a Christmas drink?”Mr Humphries smiled at Joanna indulgently. “Ican only assume that you have been talking to LadyBrompton?”Jojo flushed slightly.“Victoria’s an all round good egg,” continuedthe Grand Master.“Thoroughly good egg, sir,” agreed Jojo as theGrand Master took the bottle from her hand anduncorked it. Mr Humphries filled two crystal flutes andhanded one to Joanna.“Bottoms up,” he smiled. “Happy holidays.”

99back.Jojo raised her glass. “Bottoms up,” she smiledAnd then he kissed her.