everything I had believed formost <strong>of</strong> my life. Unlearningtoxic ideas about people andabout yourself takes timeand it takes patience whenyour logic doesn’t match yourfeelings, or experience.I also thought too much selflovewould make me stagnantand lazy. I’ve <strong>of</strong>ten been veryhard on myself. I’ve alwaysbeen a go-getter, a creator <strong>of</strong>projects and goals. I <strong>of</strong>ten, andunfortunately, find my selfworththere and when I don’tmeasure up, whether thatbe through procrastinationor lack <strong>of</strong> time, I would takemyself to town. I would (andwill) speak negatively, wordslike “God, Kara get your shittogether. You had all thattime, why didn’t you do it.You are pathetic. You arewasting your talent. You area fraud. You can do this,but you’re not, why the fucknot, you are ridiculous” andthere is this part <strong>of</strong> me thatthinks this rhetoric will teachme, that it will be the rightkind <strong>of</strong> “tough love” to finallyshow me, that I will get fed upand CHANGE. Except, I doget fed up, but I simply shutdown. I get so paralyzed that Icannot do anything and I endup feeling more shitty aboutmyself and the cycle beginsagain. In those moments I amnot caring for myself. I’m notlistening to what I need, orwhat I want, and it very rarelyproduces a solution.At the beginning <strong>of</strong> this year Istarted to police how I spoketo myself when it came to mywork and my work ethic. Iadded smiley faces to notesI’d write myself, I told myselfit was okay that I was tired orthat I didn’t want to work onsomething, I started to speakto myself with the tendernessthat I speak to my friends.What’s funny too is that thishas been the most productiveyear <strong>of</strong> my life. I stoppedshutting down when I gotoverwhelmed, I was eitherable to speak to myself withfrankness and kindness and“<strong>Self</strong> care is the things Ido and things I don’t do.”re-focus or I stepped awayand relaxed. I also stoppedblaming myself and my “badwork habits” for my anxiety,I acknowledge that it is aseparate entity out <strong>of</strong> mycontrol. They work togethercertainly, but my “laziness”was not the reason for myanxiety.<strong>Self</strong> care, and the methodsthat facilitate it, are uniqueto every person. <strong>Self</strong> careis a practice, just like artmakingor athleticism, it hasto be exercised and it hasto be customized. My selfcare manifests as radicalgentleness in the way I speakto and think <strong>of</strong> myself, in todolists, in late night cleaningsessions, long showers,glasses <strong>of</strong> ice water, crying,going to bed early, etc. <strong>Self</strong>care is the things I do and it’sthe things I don’t do. I don’tdrink espresso because itmakes me feel more anxious,I don’t keep people in my lifethat exhaust me, I don’t stayout late consistently etc. Forme, self care is both radicalgentleness (to myself) anddefensive boundaries (to theworld).<strong>Self</strong> care is an action, onethat does not berate whenfeelings don’t coincide withthe feeling. But, <strong>of</strong>ten — andquite wonderfully — they canchange. <strong>Self</strong> care changes theway you see the world andyourself. You deserve to treatyourself with the kindness andthe care you exercise towardothers.Take care (<strong>of</strong> yourself), babe.
BY JODIENOTHING MATTERSBUT YOU, BABEWhat would you do for yourbest friend when they’rehaving a shitty day/week/month/year/life? How aboutyour partner/boyfriend/girlfriend/spouse? Would youtell them to suck it up, stopmoping around, and forgeahead? Or would you tell themthat it’s okay if other peoplesay and do things that makeyou feel small and weak, thatit’s okay to be run down andtired and triggered?You’d probably bring thema c<strong>of</strong>fee or a magazine oressential oils or bourbon orcrystals or ice cream or yourbest listening ears. You’dprobably encourage them t<strong>of</strong>eel whatever they neededto feel, without reason andwithout judgement. You’dprobably listen to them cryor take them out to distractthem or maybe just sit withthem. You’d send them a textwith the funniest combination<strong>of</strong> emojis possible and puppyvideos and articles aboutresilience.Why are we so quick to feelaffection for and to let ourhearts ache and bleed for oneanother, but not for ourselves?Why can’t you be your ownbest babe and your ownfavorite person in the world?Feel deeply about yourself.Show it in the best way youknow how. You don’t have todraw a bubble bath or throwyourself a parade — just feeltenderness towards the babeinside <strong>of</strong> you and let yourselfreceive it.Caring for myself resistseverything I’ve been taughtabout not being worthyenough. Caring for myselfputs the determination <strong>of</strong> myown value in my hands. <strong>Self</strong>careis a big fuck you to thekyriarchy and all the systems<strong>of</strong> oppression that affect mylife. <strong>Self</strong>-care keeps me aliveand gives me permission totake up space. It nurtures myvoice, validates my pain andpleasure. It keeps me aliveand sustains me for anotherday. Every day I’m alive I cancall out sexism, homophobia,transphobia, racism, fatshaming, heterosexism,ableism, and ageism.<strong>Self</strong>-care isn’t just massagesand silly tv shows and longwalks and ice water andorgasms. It’s work: knock ‘emdown, drag ‘em out work thatmeans diving down into the
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