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DealingwithLife’s IssuesA Buddhist PerspectiveB Ven. Thubten Chodron

Published for Free Distribution OnlyKong Meng San Phor Kark See MonasteryDharma Propagation DivisionAwaken Publishing and Design88 Bright Hill RoadSingapore 574117Tel: (65) 6849 5342E-mail: publication@kmspks.orgWebsite: www.kmspks.org1st Edition, January 20082nd reprint of 5,000 copies, April 2008ISBN-13: 978-981-05-9395-7EISSUES-0102-0408© Kong Meng San Phor Kark See MonasteryCover design: BigstockPhoto.com@rgbspaceAlthough reprinting of our books for free distribution isencouraged as long as the publication is reprinted in its entiretywith no modifications, including this statement of the conditions,and credit is given to the author and the publisher, we requirepermission to be obtained in writing, to ensure that the latestedition is used.Printed byZheng Yong Binding (S) Pte LtdTel: (65) 6275 6228 Fax: (65) 6275 6338Please pass this book around should you feel that you do not need it anymore. Asthe Buddha taught, the gift of Truth excels all other gifts! May all have the chance toknow the Dharma.It is very, very rare for one to have a precious human life and still be able to encounterthe Buddha-Dharma, therefore please handle this book with utmost respect and care.Printed in Singapore on 100% recycled paper.Cover is printed using paper manufactured from 55%recycled fibre and 45% pulp from responsibly managed forests.

ContentsPrefaceM v mRomantic Love & MarriageM 1 mDharma & the FamilyM 14 mDharma Guidance on World EventsM 30 mDharma & Terminal IllnessM 67 mDharma & SuicideM 103 mDharma & the Prison:Making Friends with OurselvesM 127 m

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Dealing With Life’s Issues PREFACEAre you bogged down by life’s many challenges?Or confused about how families can use the Dharmato discipline and help children? Ever wondered whatBuddhism says about romantic love, marriage, divorce,homosexuality, premarital sex and abortion?In this book, Ven. Thubten Chodron tackles theseand other issues, giving clear and succinct answers tothe many challenges, difficulties and problems we facein life, from terrorist attacks, natural disasters, globalwarming to dealing with the loss of loved ones fromterminal illnesses and suicide.In the last chapter, which is a teaching transcribedfrom a talk she gave at a Correctional Centre inUSA, she tells us in direct terms how through mind

vitransformation and evaluating our motivations, we candevelop our incredible human potential to the fullestand eventually be free from craving, dissatisfactions,hostility, fear and distrust.Like the Buddha, we have the potential to developan open heart with equal love and compassion for everyliving being.This is an enlightening book with most, if not all,the answers you seek.May all sentient beings be well, happy and atpeace.May all progress well on the path of the Dharmaand quickly become fully enlightened Buddhas for thebenefit of all sentient beings!Yours in the Dharma,Sister Esther ThienExecutive EditorKong Meng San Phor Kark See MonasteryAwaken Publishing & DesignDharma Propagation Division~ Mindfulness is the Method, Compassion is the Expression, andWisdom is the Essence ~

Dealing With Life’s Issues RomanticLove & MarriageWhat does Buddhism say about romantic love andmarriage?In the Sigalovada Sutra, the Buddha talked aboutways the two members of a marriage should relate toeach other. Basically, human respect, genuine care,patience and open communication are importantelements for a long-term relationship.More than romantic love is needed to have a healthyromantic relationship. You need to love the otherperson as a human being and as a friend. The sexualattraction that feeds romantic love is an insufficientbasis on which to establish a long-term relationship.Deeper care and affection, as well as responsibility andtrust must be cultivated.

Romantic Love & MarriageWe do not fully understand ourselves and are amystery to ourselves. Needless to say, other peopleare even more of a mystery to us. Therefore, donot presuppose, with a bored attitude that cravesexcitement, that you know everything about yourpartner because you have been together so long. If youhave the awareness of the other person being a mystery,you will continue to pay attention and be interested inhim or her. Such interest is one key to a long-lastingrelationship.Trust is important and is built up by both peoplebeing caring and responsible in carrying out theircommitments. With the change in gender-identifiedroles of men and women in our society, each coupleneeds to divide the duties of running a household andraising a family in a fair way, agreeable to both people.Each person then fulfils his or her responsibilities, thusincreasing the trust between them.Trust is also built up by being truthful to the otherperson. Thus, it’s good to avoid doing things thatwe have to lie about. If we do make a mistake, let’sapologise. On the other hand, if our partner apologisesto us, we can forgive him or her and try to let go of anyhurt feelings or the wish for revenge. Forgiving someonedoes not mean we condone their action. Rather, wesimply let go of our anger.Making the Dharma and spiritual practice thecentre of one’s relationship makes a couple close inimportant ways. When both partners are intent on

Dealing With Life’s Issues cultivating good qualities in themselves and helpingothers to do the same, day-to-day activities go bettertoo. See your partner as someone who has the Buddhanature. Then even when your partner is in a bad mood,you will see the person as being temporarily obscuredbut still having wonderful potential and goodnesswithin him or her.Some people want to be in a couple relationship,others do not. Either choice is fine. It is not wise forparents to pressure their children to marry or to havea family.aHow does Buddhism view lesbianism andhomosexuality? What is considered unwise sexualbehaviour?The Pali scriptures make no mention of homosexualitybeing unwise sexual conduct. For monastics, all sexualintercourse is a root downfall. It doesn’t specify thegender of one’s partner. Vasubandhu, a teacher whocame several centuries after the Buddha, discouragedhomosexuality. Personally speaking, I think what’s mostimportant is the motivation behind how we use oursexuality. In other words, if people use their sexualityunkindly or unwisely, it doesn’t matter if it is directedto someone of their own sex or the opposite sex.There are several people in our Buddhist group in

Romantic Love & MarriageSeattle who are gay, and they told me that they knewthey were gay when they were quite young. It isn’t alearned behaviour. That is just how their karma playedout. I feel that criticising or discriminating againstpeople who are gay is counter to the attitude of loveand compassion that the Buddha would like all of hisdisciples to cultivate.The broader issue relates to the third precept, whichconcerns unwise sexual behaviour. I don’t think thisprecept is so much about the details of where, when,and with whom one can have sexual relations. It is moreabout one’s basic motivation and attitude, whether oneis using sexuality wisely and kindly. If sexuality is usedcarelessly — for example, if people have unprotectedsex when there is a danger of sexually transmitteddiseases — that is unwise use of sexuality because suchaction could damage the other person or harm oneself.If people use their sexual partner for the benefit oftheir own ego, that is not wise use of sexuality becausethis could result in the other person feeling hurt orhumiliated. Having sex with children is also clearlyunwise because that is very damaging to the child. Butif people are responsible adults, think carefully aboutwhat they do, and have an attitude of kindness towardstheir partner, they will use their sexuality wisely andkindly, be they straight or gay.The basic questions one should ask oneself are,“How do I relate to my sexuality?” “Am I alwayslooking at other people’s bodies and judging them by

Dealing With Life’s Issues their bodies?” “Do I really look into their hearts andaccept them as human beings? Or am I constantlyundressing them with my mind because I have a lot ofsexual energy?” “Do I respect my sexual partner, andtreat him/her wisely and kindly?”For instance, whether one is heterosexual orhomosexual, having multiple affairs with multiplepeople is unwise since it harms oneself and one’sfamily. Very often, people think that as long as nobodyelse knows about it and the affair is kept secret anddiscreet, then it is okay. I can’t tell you the number ofpeople who have told me that they knew their fatherwas having an affair when they were children. Thekids were intelligent. They knew what was going onbut they couldn’t say anything at that time. Still, theycould sense the bad atmosphere in the family becausethe father was sleeping with another woman. Suchbehaviour on the part of parents is damaging for thechildren. Sooner or later it will come out. It is hard tokeep such things covered up for long.Also, if you are married and you have the intentionto mate with someone outside your marriage, this isindicative that you and your spouse need to developbetter communication within your marriage. Havinga relationship with somebody else is not going to fixthe problems in your marriage.a

Romantic Love & MarriageHow does a couple build and maintain a healthyrelationship or marriage?If you value family life, and you want to keepyour family together, you need to talk things throughwith your spouse and recognise that there are somedifficulties in the marriage. If you need to see acounsellor, consult one, either by yourself or togetherwith your spouse. Put some energy into developing therelationship with the person you are married to.Couples need to put energy into keeping theirrelationship healthy. You have to deliberately create andmaintain a good relationship, and not just expect thateverything will go smoothly now that you are married.You need to learn how to express things to your partner,things that are sometimes difficult for you to talk aboutor admit to, such as your faults or character flaws. Youalso have to learn to listen to what your spouse saysand really try to hear him or her with your heart. Tryto be patient when your spouse has difficulties, insteadof being reactive and defensive.Relationships are better even if just one party haslearned to be calm, steady and not being reactive whenthe other becomes emotional. If you react withoutthinking clearly when your partner does something,there won’t be much constructive interchange. If yourpartner is unhappy about something, think, “Right now,my job is to listen and to try to help my partner calmdown”. We don’t do that by telling our spouse what todo, but by giving him or her space to say how he or

Dealing With Life’s Issues she is feeling and discuss these feelings in a reasonableway. Be supportive of the other person instead of beingreactive to what he or she is going through. Similarly,when you are experiencing a strong emotion such asanger, know that you are angry and try to calm yourselfdown before talking to others. When you are calmerand your mind is clearer, tell your partner about yourfeelings and have a constructive discussion. That meansacknowledging to your partner how you are feelinginstead of digging in your heels and sticking to yourposition.Also look deep within yourself and if you see thatyou have many bad habits, be aware, and try to workon them. Discuss them with your partner, who is alsoyour friend so that he or she can be supportive in yourefforts to change and be a better person. In short, becareful not to repeat the bad habits or the negativitiesthat you may have seen in your parents’ relationship.aWhat is Buddhism’s view on premarital sex?The Buddha did not specify anything about thisissue. The social institution of marriage was verydifferent during the Buddha’s time. Marriages werearranged by the family and were for the purpose ofraising children. Men had multiple wives or concubinesand this was acceptable then. In Tibet, a woman may

Dealing With Life’s Issues life. Each side says their position is right and attacksthe other. Each group says their view is right becausethey care the most about others. However, I do not seemuch caring or compassion in this debate. Rather, boththe pro-lifers and the pro-choicers are angry. Neitherhas much compassion, which is unfortunate, because inthe case of unwanted pregnancy, compassion is direlyneeded. Everyone in the situation needs compassion— the mother, the father, the child and the society. Anunwanted pregnancy is difficult for everybody. Ratherthan having a judgmental attitude, we need to bringcompassion to the forefront.From a Buddhist viewpoint, life starts at thetime of conception. Thus abortion is taking life. Butcondemning people who aborted their babies does notbenefit anyone. We need to give the parents, or atleast the mother, support and understanding in thecase of an unwanted pregnancy. If we do, there willbe a greater chance for the child to be born. Then,the baby can be adopted or given to another family toraise. If as a society, we can give support rather thanjudgmental criticism, it could help save the lives ofthose children. I say this because it has touched my lifedirectly. My parents adopted my younger sister whenshe was a newborn. She was the result of an unwantedpregnancy. But instead of having an abortion, hernatural mother gave birth. Because of that, I am ableto have a sister whom I love very much, and I am verygrateful for that.

10 Romantic Love & MarriageHere we have to look at the issue of teens beingsexually active. They learn to use sexuality responsiblyin two ways. First, adults must be a model of wisesexual conduct. That means both parents are faithful toeach other and do not have extramarital relationshipswith other people. Second, parents must discuss sexand birth control with their children, or if they donot feel comfortable doing so, they should ask otheradults to do so.If parents simply say, “Don’t have sex, and we don’twant to talk about it any further”, then from whereor whom will teenagers learn? From magazines, fromtelevision programmes, from all the stories they hearfrom their friends! They will not learn good valuesthat way. Adults need to give them good and accurateinformation and not be shy about it.Another factor that encourages teens to use theirsexuality wisely is an atmosphere of love and acceptanceat home. If they don’t feel loved and accepted by theirparents, sex becomes more appealing because at leastthen somebody is caring about them. It’s very difficultto tell teens who don’t feel loved or accepted, “Don’thave sexual relations”, because they desperately wantto feel close to other human beings.Emotionally, teenagers crave affection. In addition,the hormones in their bodies cause sexual desire toarise. Both of these factors contribute to their sexualactivity. If people create a more loving environmentwithin families where parents talk with their teenagers

Dealing With Life’s Issues 11and spend time with them — instead of just bossingtheir children around and nagging at them — thechildren will feel supported by and bonded to theirfamily. Then they won’t have as much emotional needto be sexually active.aI am a therapist and have several Chinese clients.When I ask them, “Have you communicated withyour teenage children about sex?” they say, “Wenever touch the subject, because if we tell themabout birth control, they will do more”.Although some people think in this way, I do notbelieve this is the case. Each of us has lived throughadolescence. I don’t think learning about birth controlwould propel one to be more sexually active. Rather, itwould make one more responsible. Accurate informationabout sexual functions and birth control enables teensand young adults to think more clearly about theseissues beforehand. They will take proper precautionsand think about situations before they happen. Forexample, they will know that even if they use birthcontrol, pregnancy could still occur. That could makethem check, “Am I ready to become a parent?” and“Do I care about this other person enough to shareparenthood with him or her?” By thinking about thesethings, they will learn to discriminate and make goodchoices.

12 Romantic Love & MarriageWhat does Buddhism say about divorce? How canwe use Buddhist teachings to handle the emotionalupheaval in our children and ourselves that occursduring a divorce?Marriage and divorce are secular affairs in Buddhism.If lay people wish to marry, that is their choice. If theywish to divorce, that is also their choice.Preventing divorce by preparing well for marriageis best. The movies present an unrealistic vision ofromantic relationships that lead people to have manyunrealistic expectations. It’s better to see marriage asa partnership, not as a romantic fling that is supposedto last forever. Take your time to know someone well— seeing the person in many different situationsand at different times — before getting married andstarting a family. Conflict is natural, so develop goodcommunication and conflict resolution skills together.See your spouse as precious, and nurture the goodqualities in him or her.Divorce is painful for the people involved, and ittakes time to grieve. Usually one person is ready tomove on and the other isn’t, so patience and toleranceare needed. If the couple has children, it is importantnot to speak badly about one’s ex-spouse, becausethat will adversely affect the children. You may nothave a life-long connection with your ex-spouse, butyour child will have a life-long connection with bothparents. Don’t put the children in the middle, makingthem side with one parent against the other. Instead

Dealing With Life’s Issues 13work with your ex-spouse to create a good atmospherefor the children.One person told me that keeping the five lay preceptsand being mindful to avoid the ten destructive actionshelped her so much during her divorce. Instead ofgetting drunk to numb the pain, she faced the situation.Instead of lying and exaggerating what her spouse did,she was fair and honest. Mindful to avoid criticising herspouse to other people, she watched her speech. Shereally appreciated and relied on her Buddhist practiceto weather the ups and downs of the divorce.

14 Romantic Love & MarriageDharma and the FamilyHow can Buddhism help our family life?The principal way Buddhism can help a familyis by each family member practising the Dharma.By learning the Buddha’s teachings, contemplatingthem, and putting them into practice as well as onecan, we benefit and so does the entire family. TheDharma is full of teachings that describe how to dealwith emotions, how to generate love, compassion andwisdom. By learning these, we become happier andmore peaceful. We are easier to get along with andmore patient. We become better listeners. If we developthe qualities the Buddha teaches us, it affects the familyin a wonderful way.

Dealing With Life’s Issues 15If both partners hold the Dharma as the centreof their relationship, their relationship will be moresatisfying. That is, both partners are determined to liveethically and to develop their loving-kindness towardsall beings impartially. Then they will support eachother to grow and to practise. For example, when onepartner becomes discouraged or starts to neglect hisor her Dharma practice, the other can help him or herget back on track through gentle encouragement andopen discussion. If the couple have children, they canarrange for each other to have time for quiet reflectionas well as time with the children. It is also importantfor the parents to spend time together, without thechildren.Although raising children is time-intensive, parentsshould not see this as antithetical to Dharma practice.They can learn a lot about themselves from theirchildren and they can help each other work throughthe challenges of parenthood in the light of Buddhistvalues.Influenced by contemporary trends in psychology,many people have come to attribute most of theirproblems to childhood experiences. However, if this isdone with an attitude of blame — “I have problemsbecause of what my parents did when I was a child.”— it sets the stage for them to feel guilty and fearfulthat they will damage their own children when theyhave families. This kind of anxiety is not conduciveto healthy child-rearing or to feeling compassion for

16 Dharma and The Familyourselves. Viewing our childhood as if it were an illnessthat we have to recover from only damages us as wellas our children.Although we cannot ignore detrimental influencesfrom childhood, it is just as important to pay attentionto the kindness and benefit we have received fromour families. No matter what our situation was whenwe were growing up, we were the recipients of muchkindness from others. Remembering this, we allowourselves to feel the gratitude that naturally arises forthose who have helped us. If we do, we can also passthat same kindness and care onto our children.Family harmony is extremely important. If adultssee the main purpose of marriage as pleasure, thenarguments and the break-up of the family come aboutmore easily. As soon as people don’t get as muchpleasure as they want, discontent sets in, quarrelsensue, and the marriage collapses. Many people goon to have numerous partners, but still fail to findsatisfaction. This is a clear example of the way inwhich clinging to one’s own pleasure brings pain tooneself and others.However, if people see marriage and family as along-term opportunity to grow and to support others,they will feel more satisfied and content. When theirminds are happy, they automatically act in kinder waysand the other members of the family will naturallyreciprocate.

Dealing With Life’s Issues 17I have children. How can I meditate or say prayersin the morning when they need my attention?One way is to get up earlier than your children.Another idea is to invite your children to meditate orchant with you. Once I was staying with my brother’sfamily. My niece, who was about six or seven at thattime, used to come into my room because we were thefirst two to wake up in the morning. Because I wasreciting prayers or meditating then, I explained to herthat that was the time when I am quiet and do not wantto be disturbed. She would come into the room, andsometimes she would draw. Other times, she would sit onmy lap. Several times she asked me to sing to her, andI would chant prayers and mantras out loud. She reallyliked this and we had a very nice time together.It is very good for children to see their parents sitstill and be calm. That gives them the idea that maybethey too can do the same. If Mum and Dad are alwaysbusy, running around, talking on the phone, stressedout, or collapsing in front of the TV, the kids will alsobe like this. Is this what you want for your children?If you want your children to learn certain attitudesor behaviours, you have to cultivate them yourselves.Otherwise, how will your children learn? If you careabout your children, you have to care about yourself aswell and be mindful of living a healthy and balancedlife for their benefit as well as for your own.You can also teach your children how to makeofferings to the Buddha and how to recite simple

18 Dharma and The Familyprayers and mantras. Once, I stayed with a friend andher three-year-old daughter. Every morning when wegot up, we would all bow three times to the Buddha.Then, the little girl would give the Buddha a present— a cookie or some fruit — and the Buddha wouldgive her a present also, a sweet or a cracker. It wasvery nice for the child, because at age three she wasestablishing a good relationship with the Buddha and atthe same time was learning to be generous and sharethings. When my friend cleaned the house, did chores,or went places with her daughter, they would chantmantras together. The little girl loved the melodies ofthe mantras. This helped her because whenever she gotupset or frightened, she knew she could chant mantrasto calm herself down.aHow can the Dharma help children? How can weteach the Dharma to children?The essence of the Buddha’s teachings is to avoidharming others and to help them as much as possible.These are values that both Buddhist and non-Buddhistparents want to instil in their children so that theycan live harmoniously with others. Since children learnlargely through example, the most effective way forparents to teach their children good values is to livethem. Of course, this isn’t always so easy! But if parents

Dealing With Life’s Issues 19try to practise well, their children will directly benefitfrom their example.Growing up with Buddhism in the home helpschildren. If a family has a shrine, the children can keepit clean. The parents can then teach them how to makeprostrations and offerings each morning and do theseactivities together with their children. It’s a nice wayfor parents to connect with their children on a spirituallevel from the time the children are very young.Children like music, and the melodies of prayers,mantras and Buddhist songs can take the place of theusual commercial jingles and nursery rhymes. Manyparents chant mantras to their babies when the infantsare upset or tired, and the babies react positively to thegentle vibration. In one family I know, the five-year-oldson leads the prayer when they offer their food beforeeating. These are simple yet profound ways for parentsand children to share the Dharma.Several Buddhist families could gather together ona weekly or monthly basis to practise together. Ratherthan just taking the kids to Sunday school and lettingsomeone else teach them, practising together providesthe opportunity for the parents and children to spendsome peaceful time together apart from their harriedschedules. It also enables Buddhist families to meet andsupport one other. When the children are young, thepractice could be short followed by a picnic or anotherplayful activity.Parents and children can also do the breathing

20 Dharma and The Familymeditation together. Ask the children to breath deeplyand experience the feeling. Then tell them to breathequickly and ask if they felt any difference. Visualisingthe Buddha and Bodhisattva Guanyin and reciting themantra while imagining peaceful light flowing from theEnlightened One into oneself and all sentient beingsis another short meditation that children can engagein. This helps children learn how to calm themselves,which is a very important skill to have in life.Parents and school-age children can role-playtogether, creating a scene in which all the charactersthink of their own happiness above others’ and thenreplaying it with one of the characters thinking ofothers’ happiness. Such activities teach childrenproblem-solving and allow them to see the results ofdifferent behaviours. Families could also visit Buddhisttemples and centres in the community together andtalk about what they see there.Reading Buddhist children’s books and watchingBuddhist videos are other activities parents can sharewith their children. There is an excellent cartoon videoof the Buddha’s life, and many children’s Dharmabooks. Informal discussions with children can be bothamusing and instructive, and parents may be surprisedjust how open their children are to concepts such asrebirth, karma and kindness to animals.Many parents exclaim, “My child can’t sit still!”My guess is that these children have seldom seentheir parents sit peacefully either! When children see

Dealing With Life’s Issues 21an adult sitting peacefully, they get the idea that theycan do that as well. Sometimes, a parent’s quiet timecan be shared with their children. For example, a childcan sit on his or her parent’s lap while the parentrecites mantras. Other times, parents may want to beundisturbed when they meditate, and children learn torespect their parents’ wish for some quiet time.Discussion groups work well with teenagers. Anadult can facilitate a discussion about friendship,gossip, dating or other topics of concern to teenagers.A discussion could also centre on applying Buddhistprinciples of non-violence and generosity to currentevents. This is an excellent way for teens to learn moreabout the world and people in other countries. Thebeauty of Buddhism is that its principles can apply toevery aspect of life. The more children see the relevanceof ethical values and loving-kindness to their lives, themore they will value those traits.Once I led a discussion group for 20 teenagers aboutboy-girl relationships. Each person spoke in turn, andalthough they were ostensibly talking about their livesand feelings, there was a lot of Dharma in what theysaid. For example, they brought out the importance ofliving ethically, speaking the truth, and learning whenand how to trust. As the facilitator, I didn’t teach orpreach. I just listened and respected what they said.Afterwards some of them came up to me and said,“Wow! That’s the first time we’ve ever talked about thatwith a nun!” Not only were they able to talk openly in

22 Dharma and The Familythe presence of an adult about a sensitive topic, theyalso understood that religious people are aware andsympathetic to teenagers’ concerns. In addition, theysaw the relevance of Dharma to their lives.aHow can we introduce children to meditation?Children are often curious when they see theirparents do their daily meditation practice. This canbe an opportunity to teach them a simple breathingmeditation. Children enjoy sitting quietly alongsidetheir parents for five or ten minutes. When theirattention span sags, they can quietly get up and go intoanother room while the parents continue to meditate.If parents find this too disturbing, they can do theirdaily practice privately and meditate together with theiryoungsters at another time.Children can also learn visualisation meditation.Most children love to pretend and can easily imaginethings. Parents can teach their children to imaginethe Buddha, made of light. Then, while light radiatesfrom the Buddha into them and all the beings aroundthem, they can chant the Buddha’s mantra. If a childhas a sick relative, friend, or pet or if a friend ishaving problems, the child could visualise that personspecifically and imagine the Buddha sending lightto him or her. In that way, children increase their

Dealing With Life’s Issues 23compassion and feel involved in helping those theycare about.aWhat if our children aren’t interested in Buddhism?Should we allow them to go to church with theirfriends?Religion should not be forced on anyone. If childrenaren’t interested in Buddhism, let them be. They canstill learn how to be a kind person from observing theirparents’ attitudes and actions.Classmates are likely to invite their friends to go tochurch with them. Because we live in a multi-culturaland multi-religious society, it is helpful for children tolearn about other religions by making one visit to theirfriends’ church or temple. Before they do so, we shouldprepare them by discussing the fact that people havedifferent beliefs, and thus mutual respect and toleranceare important. But if your child goes to church witha friend, that friend should also be willing to visit aBuddhist temple with your child. Exchanges should beequal to avoid unwanted proselytising.If you think that your child or teenager is beingenticed or pressured to convert to his or her friend’sfaith, you should intervene early on. Explain whatBuddhists believe and why. Describe ways in whichBuddhist beliefs and values can help your children

24 Dharma and The Familywith their daily life problems. Teach them how toanswer their friends’ questions about Buddhism andinstruct them how to question the beliefs held by otherreligions. In short, teach your children how to thinkfor themselves.aHow can we have good relationships with ourchildren, especially when they are teenagers?Having an open relationship with teenagers isimportant, and this depends on how parents relate totheir children when they were young. This, in turn,depends on spending time with the children and onhaving a positive attitude towards them.When parents are harried, they tend to see caringfor their children as a hassle — yet another thing totake care of before they collapse after a hard day atwork. Children detect this, often feeling that theirparents don’t care about them or don’t have time forthem even if they do care.Setting priorities as to how you spend your timeis essential in building good relationships with yourchildren. If having the time to develop a close relationshipwith your children is a priority, then you may need toaccept a job that pays less but has shorter hours or turndown a promotion that would increase family incomebut mean more stress and less time at home.

Dealing With Life’s Issues 25Love is more important to children than materialpossessions. Children need love and attention from theirparents more than they need their own computer, iPodor TV. Choosing to earn more money at the expense ofgood family relations may mean having to spend thatextra income later on therapy and counselling for bothparents and children!Talk to your teenagers about things they areinterested in, whether or not those things interest you.Don’t just talk to them about getting good grades andkeeping their room clean. Talk to them about sports orthe latest fashion. Keep the doors of communicationopen.aDo children need discipline? How do we do thatwithout getting angry?Children often provide the best — and the mostdifficult — opportunity to practise patience! For thatreason, parents are advised to become familiar withthe antidotes to anger that the Buddha taught.Loving your children doesn’t mean letting them dowhatever they want or giving them everything theydesire. That is, in fact, being cruel to children, for itallows them to develop bad habits, which makes it moredifficult for them to get along with others. One of themost valuable skills parents need to teach their children

26 Dharma and The Familyis how to deal with the frustration of not getting whatthey want. If children’s wants are not reined in andthey do not learn to be happy when their wishes aren’tactualised, they will have difficulty getting along withothers when they are adults. Of course, parents needto model with their behaviour how to be happy whentheir own wishes are not fulfilled.Children need guidelines, limits and structure. Theyneed to learn the results of different behaviours, andhow to discriminate between what to do and what toabandon. Parents need to avoid letting their childrenpressure them into buying things that they do notneed or engaging in activities that the children do notyet have the maturity to handle. However, just saying,“No!” doesn’t educate the child on how to think in thosesituations. You must explain why when the child is oldenough to understand.aContentment is an essential Buddhist principle.How can we teach it to children?The attitude of contentment enables us to enjoy lifemore and experience more satisfaction. I believe onereason children are discontented is that they are giventoo many choices about their sense pleasures. From ayoung age, they are asked, “Do you want apple juice ororange juice?” “Do you want to watch this TV show or

Dealing With Life’s Issues 27that one?” “Do you want this kind of bicycle or that?”“Do you want a red toy or a green one?”Children — not to mention adults — becomeconfused by being bombarded with so many choices.Instead of learning to be content with whatever theyhave, they are constantly forced to think, “Which thingwill bring me the most happiness? What else can Iget to make me happy?” This increases their greedand confusion.Remedying this doesn’t mean that parents becomeauthoritarian. Rather, they place less emphasis on theimportance of material possessions in the home. Ofcourse, this also depends on parents altering the waysthey themselves relate to sense pleasures and materialpossessions. When parents cultivate contentment, theirchildren will find it easier to do so as well.aMy teenagers constantly come home late. As aparent, I know I can’t control it, but how do I tellmyself this is not the result of my irresponsibleactions?As a parent, you nurtured your child from the timehe or she was helpless and completely dependent on you.At that time, you were responsible for every aspect ofthe baby’s life. But as your child grows up and becomesmore independent, he or she gradually assumes that

28 Dharma and The Familyresponsibility and you are no longer responsible forevery aspect of his or her life. Letting go of this is oneof the challenges of parenting.As parents, you want your children to be happy andnot to suffer. Thus you teach them skills to deal withdifferent situations. But you can’t follow them aroundtheir whole lives to protect them from suffering. That’simpossible, and you would be pretty miserable too!Would you want to follow your teenager around 24hours a day? Our parents wanted us to be happy, butthey had to let us live our own lives. They taught usskills, and in spite of all the mistakes we have made,we have managed to stay alive. We have dealt with ourmistakes, learned from them and moved on. That willhappen to your children too.It is hard to watch somebody you love — your child,spouse, parent, friend — make a mistake. Sometimesthere is nothing we can do to prevent it. We just haveto be there and help them learn from their mistake.Parents sometimes go to extremes in dealing withtheir teenagers who don’t want to listen. One extremeis becoming like a drill sergeant, harassing childrenwith endless questions about where they are going,whom they are with, and the exact time they will behome. Teenagers perceive this as infringing on theirautonomy and are likely to rebel even more.Another extreme is letting the child come and goas he or she wishes, treating the home like a hoteland leaving their parents to do their laundry, clean

Dealing With Life’s Issues 29up after them and provide meals. This can be avoidedby teaching children from young that family membersdepend on one other. Give them duties to perform athome. As they grow older, let them be responsible fordoing the laundry, cleaning the house and preparingthe food. These tasks should not be delegated todaughters only. It is equally important for sons to learnto take care of themselves.

30 Dharma and The FamilyDharma Guidanceon World EventsHow should we view terrorist attacks like September11 and their repercussions in a Buddhist light?How do we handle the fear, anxiety and angerthat arise in us as individuals and as a society inreaction to such attacks? (This section was written justa few months after the attack in 2001. What is said here appliesequally to the war in Iraq and other conflicts.)It seems to me that Southeast Asians have a differentkind of fear and anxiety compared to Americans as aresult of the attacks. Asians’ fears are mostly economic,while in the States, the fear is for one’s life. Americans

Dealing With Life’s Issues 31are afraid there will be a bio-terrorist or dirty bombattack in which many people die.When we are afraid and anxious, our mind isimmersed in thoughts of horrible events that couldhappen in the future. We start imagining worst-casescenarios and convince ourselves that they will happen.Then we become worried and terrified that the dramasour mind has invented will occur. But, at that moment,none of the things we are imagining has happened yet.They may not happen. There is no sense in makingourselves upset and anxious worrying that they will.The way to deal with these unpleasant emotions is torealise that our mind is creating stories. These storiesare not reality. We have to come back to the presentmoment and be aware of what is happening now.Even if the worst-case scenarios that we haveimagined do happen, we are not totally withoutresources to deal with them. When we investigate, wefind that we have some material or mental resourcesthat we can apply should such events occur. Sometimesthe resources are external, for example, we may knowpeople who can help us or communities that provideassistance. But most importantly, we have our owninternal resources. We have inner strength that canbe called forth to deal with tragedies in creative andconstructive ways. Through Buddhist practice andmeditation, we develop these internal resources, so thatwhen we meet with adversity, we can handle it withoutfalling apart. To develop these inner resources, we must

32 Dharma Guidance on World Eventslearn the Buddha’s teachings and contemplate themwell in advance of the difficult situation. We have totrain our mind beforehand. It is like taking an exam;we have to study well. We can’t walk into the examroom unprepared and expect to do well.Tibetan Buddhism has a series of teachings called“mind training” or “thought transformation” (lojong).These thought transformation texts explain methodsto transform adversities into the path. I have had thefortune to have studied these and try to practise them.To help my mind deal with adversities, I meditateon karma as well as on love and compassion. Whenreflecting on karma I think that whatever happens— happiness or suffering — is the result of my ownprevious actions. Therefore it is senseless to blameothers or be upset about what I experience. Rather,I must learn from the situation and make a strongdetermination to avoid the negative actions that causesuffering. When meditating on love and compassion,I think that the sentient beings that harm me alsowant to be happy and avoid suffering, and that theyare doing harmful actions because they are miserable.In this way, I cultivate a kind heart towards them, anda kind and caring heart towards others has the sideeffect of lessening my own misery.To return to the topic of the anxiety that SoutheastAsians have as a result of September 11, people hereare worried about their own rice bowl. They aren’t soconcerned with the refugees starving in Afghanistan

Dealing With Life’s Issues 33or with Americans dying of anthrax. They aredreaming up scenes of a plunging economy and makingthemselves anxious about their own livelihood. This is anarrow outlook. By focusing only on their own financialconcerns, they increase their own fear. If they broadentheir horizon to see the situation of the whole world,then their own economic issues would appear in a morerealistic perspective.For example, consider the economic fears of Afghanpeasants who have loaded most of their possessionson the back of a donkey and have set out with theirchildren into the barren landscape. Their land has hada famine for several years, and now bombs are fallingon it. They are refugees and hope to find some kindlypeople who will give them food, medicine and a placeto stay. These people have no idea where they are goingor what will happen to them. Is such a situation likelyto happen here in Malaysia or Singapore? I don’t thinkso. Even though there may be some economic slowdownhere, you are not going to face anything close to theproblems of the Afghan refugees or so many otherimpoverished people on our planet. You will still haveyour flat; your family will not face violent attacks; yourcountry will not dissolve into chaos. You may not beable to travel abroad or eat so much delicious food athome, but your suffering would be mild compared tothose of others. If you look at your own situation thatway, you will realise that your problems are not thatbad and that you can handle them.

34 Dharma Guidance on World EventsA lot of times, our fears and anxiety are mouldedby what we see in newspapers and on CNN.Southeast Asia exports many goods to America,and a shrinkage of the economy would result inmany people losing their jobs. This is for real.When people lose their jobs, they have a lot tofear. How do you deal with those fears that themedia constantly bombard us with?One way is to not watch the media! The mediacreates a hype that makes people unnecessarilyanxious. We must develop discriminating wisdom todeal with the media — to know what is accurate andwhat is exaggeration, what is balanced reporting andwhat is slanted.As I mentioned before, we have to put our fearin perspective. The economic fears that you have inSingapore and Malaysia are nowhere near the fears thatpeople have in impoverished countries. You may loseyour job here but you are not going to starve. Peoplefrom other parts of the world are actually losing theirlives and are starving right now.Our self-centred attitude works in such a way thatany problem concerning us seems incredibly horribleand dangerous. In the meantime, our self-centredattitude makes us ignore the suffering of others whoare a lot worse off than we are. When we broadenour perspective and realise that everyone equallywants happiness and wants to be free from suffering,then we stop thinking only of ourselves. A broad

Dealing With Life’s Issues 35perspective relaxes our mind and frees us from theself-preoccupation that is so stifling and painful.If you want to prevent poverty in the future,practise generosity now. We have so much; wouldn’t itbe wonderful if we donate to a charity that cares forrefugees and others who suffer due to war?Another way to reduce fear is recognise the goodthings we have going for us in our lives. For example,you may lose your jobs, but thank goodness you arenot going to starve. Your country has lots of deliciousfood. You still have your family; you are not underany threat of imminent attack. You may have to paredown and do without some things which you areused to, but that’s doable. External things aren’t thesource of happiness, are they? Isn’t that why we areseeking Nirvana, so we can go beyond attachment tomaterial possessions, which aren’t capable of bringingus ultimate happiness?Can we see the silliness and laugh at how ourlimited mind works? For example, we call ourselvesBuddhists and profess much devotion to the Dharma,but, we are much more afraid of losing our jobs in thislife than of where we might be born in future lives.Does this attitude correspond to what the Buddhataught? We say we believe in karma, but when itcomes to abandoning negative actions so that we willnot be born in a bad rebirth, we forget about karma.Our limited mind thinks, “Future life is so far away,but losing my job is real suffering”. If we lose our job,

36 Dharma Guidance on World Eventsthe suffering lasts only for a period of years. Whenwe leave this life, the suffering of losing our job isover. But if we do not engage in positive actions thatcreate the cause for happiness in future lives, we couldhave a lot more suffering then. If we think aboutthis and broaden our perspective, we won’t suffernow from worry and anxiety, and we won’t suffer inthe future because we have acted with kindness andgenerosity now.aThe people who died in the September 11 tragedyprobably died with a lot of fear. Does it mean theywould have a bad rebirth?We can’t make a general statement. Some may havedied in fear, but some may not. I hope some may havebeen able to calm their minds down and turned topositive thoughts and emotions.Many different conditions come together to determinewhat our future life will be — what we are thinkingabout during the time we die is one of them. Othersinclude 1) the karmas that are the strongest fromour past, either from this life or previous lives, 2) thekarmas or actions we have done repeatedly in ourlives, because anything that’s done repetitively is verylikely to ripen at the time of death, 3) how diligentlywe practise when we are alive; what kind of causes we

Dealing With Life’s Issues 37create while we are alive, and 4) how well we are ableto guide our mind at the time of death.Since there are many different factors influencingthe rebirth one takes, we can’t say where each personwho died in September 11 will be reborn. I thinka number of people — the police and firemen, forexample — had compassion and probably died withan altruistic attitude. They are likely to have a goodrebirth. Therefore, it is going to differ from person toperson. But it certainly makes us stop and ask ourselves,“If I were to face a situation like that suddenly, wouldI be able to generate a kind heart, or would mymind be so instantly filled with fear, anger and selfgrasping?”Thinking like that inspires us to generatelove and compassion and to practise the Dharma withsincerity.aHow does karma play a part in an event that rivetsthe planet?Each of us has created the karma to be where wewere when the tragedy happened. Collective karmais karma we have created together with other people.We experience the result of collective karma togetheras a group. But within this group experience, we eachhave our own individual experience. The cause for thatis called individual karma. Some people were in the

38 Dharma Guidance on World EventsWorld Trade Centre, some were near by, and some inother countries.Usually, in America, people are thinking anddoing their own things. People have so many differentexperiences and viewpoints in the States. But whenSeptember 11 occurred, all of a sudden everybody wastogether on the same wavelength. I felt this sense ofgroup karma, the result of which we experienced justby being in the same country. We experienced thegrief together because everyone felt attacked — notjust people in the World Trade Centre, not just thosein New York, but everyone in the country felt theinsecurity and fear afterwards.The fact that our karma brought about that eventdoesn’t mean anybody deserved to suffer. Whathappened was not a punishment. But suffering is aresult of destructive karma, and such experiences arewake-up calls for us to lead ethical lives with kindnesstowards others.Karma was at play in so many aspects of theSeptember 11 event. Think about the karma that ledcertain people to be hijackers. What kind of actions didthey do in previous lives that led them, in this lifetime,to be born in a situation where they were conditionedin such a way that they thought killing innocent peoplewas something good? And what kind of karma did theycreate from putting effort into producing such pain?Thinking about the result they will experience fromsuch actions is terrifying.

Dealing With Life’s Issues 39For me, there is a lot to learn from reflecting onthe karma involved in this experience. For example, ifI don’t want to become a terrorist in my future life, Ihave to make sure that I do not create the causes forbecoming one now. That means I have to take care thatI do not start thinking like a terrorist right now — inother words, having all sorts of wrong views, thinkingthat violence is the way to solve problems, puttingpeople in categories and dismissing them. That kindof thinking sets us up to think and act like a terroristin a future life.Furthermore, if we do not want to die prematurely,let’s not create the karma that causes that to happen.One of the principal karma that causes prematuredeath is killing or taking the lives of others. Thatmeans if we support or rejoice in any kind of killing,we are creating the karma to have a short life in thefuture. Understanding this, we will realise that anytype of vengeful feelings or actions in response toharm we receive sets us up to experience suffering infuture lives.When we look at current events, we can see themin terms of previous actions that bring about certainresults now. We can also reflect on the karma we createnow that will bring results in the future. A further pointis to reflect on the actions we are doing now that actas the conditions for past karma to ripen.For example, the US World Trade Centre is thesymbol of American prosperity. The twin buildings

40 Dharma Guidance on World Eventsproject an image which says, “Look how rich andsuccessful we are.” What is the motivation behindall that success? Why do we make a big display of it?Collective pride, arrogance and greed. The mind that’sgreedy and arrogant is not a mind that leads to thesharing and equal distribution of wealth. Such a mindfocuses on its own benefit and neglects the well-being ofothers. It seems to me that this attitude, when playedout on an international level, contributed to what hadhappened. As an American, I think that as a countrywe are too enthralled with our prosperity and havenot been generous enough to disadvantaged peopleand impoverished countries. When an individual ora nation behaves like that, of course others are goingto be jealous. That doesn’t mean jealousy is goodor that they have a right to kill innocent civilians.Nevertheless, we can understand how our attitudesand behaviour contributed to the arising of others’resentment. Prosperous nations should be committedto help impoverished ones, because we are all humanbeings who want happiness and do not want suffering.We share the same planet.I think the United States of America as a countryneeds to reconsider its foreign policy. We need to lookat how we contribute to social, political, economic andmilitary systems that harm people in other countriesand in our own country. It is easy to become smug whenwe are prosperous and forget about sharing. It is easy tobecome arrogant and treat others disrespectfully when

Dealing With Life’s Issues 41we are affluent. We have to examine how much we andour social systems cater to that kind of mentality, andthen take acts to correct them.aSo does that mean one’s past karma brings aboutour experiences, which in turn influence one tocommit the same negative act again?Right. The environment is related to our pastactions, but it is also affected by what we are thinkingnow. If, as a society, we don’t start to question ourvalues and what we think, past destructive karma willhave opportune situations to ripen. For example, if, inreaction to the violence of September 11, we becomeviolent and revengeful, then we are creating the causefor violence to continue.Because our mental afflictions run rampant, it iseasy to react to suffering with anger and violence. Inour confusion, we believe that retaliation will destroythe enemy. But the actual enemies are anger andhatred. For this reason, the Buddha said that hatredis not solved by hatred, but only by love.But in speaking of the importance of love andcompassion in the face of violent attacks and terrorism,it is important to understand that this doesn’t mean weact like a doormat and let others do whatever they wish.Compassion is not an excuse to become like an ostrich

42 Dharma Guidance on World Eventswith our head in the ground, ignoring the reality of thesituation. Responses are required and things need to bedone. We need to be active, but wisely active, trying toaddress the situation with an open mind and a caringheart, even towards those who have harmed us.aHow else can we help in response to the tragedy,other than making monetary contribution?You can help on the material plane — donatingblood for the injured, donating money for food andsupplies. You may also choose to work actively byparticipating in and/or volunteering for internationalrelief efforts. Another way you can help is throughyour prayers and practices. I think we need to help inboth ways.You may wonder how doing prayers and Dharmapractices can help. First, it keeps us involved. Second,it is working to remedy suffering on a karmic level.Doing Tonglen, also called the giving and takingpractice, is very effective. Here we imagine taking onthe suffering of others, using it to destroy our own selfcentrednessand then sending out happiness to others byimagining our body, possessions and merit transforminginto whatever others need. The practice of Chenrezig(Guanyin) is also good, because Chenrezig is the Buddhaof Compassion. Compassion is the opposite of hatred,

Dealing With Life’s Issues 43and hatred was the cause of this tragedy. Strong hatredneeds to be counteracted by strong compassion and thepractice of Guanyin is excellent for helping us to developcompassion.All Dharma sessions begin with taking refuge in theThree Jewels and generating bodhicitta, the aspiration toattain full enlightenment for the benefit of all sentientbeings. We can bring current events into our practiceof taking refuge and generating bodhicitta. In our refugevisualisation, imagine the Buddhas, Bodhisattvas andspiritual masters in front of us. Imagine your motheron your left side and your father on your right, andyou are surrounded by all sentient beings. Imagine theterrorists and the Taliban leaders in the space in frontof you, sitting between you and the Buddhas. We are allfacing the Buddha together, but to see the Buddhas wehave to see the people that we don’t approve of and areafraid of. Remember that they want happiness and notsuffering. Despite that wish, due to mental afflictions,they harm so many people. Think about the karmathey create and the suffering they will experience as aresult. Here they are — human beings with the Buddhanature — but their ignorance and confusion makethem create destructive karma that harms themselvesand others. Contemplate that all of us are under thecontrol of mental afflictions and karma; all of us keeptaking rebirth in cyclic existence. In this way, generatecompassion for all sentient beings, including ourselves,the victims of terrorist attacks and the terrorists. Then

44 Dharma Guidance on World Eventsthink that we all turn to the Buddha, Dharma andSangha for spiritual guidance together and imaginethat you lead them in taking refuge and generatinglove, compassion and bodhicitta.Meditating like this helps us to see the terroristsas human beings and not generalise and dismissthem as useless and horrible. It keeps us engagedand having a big, open mind. This is important toprevent future tragedies due to ignorance, closedmindednessand hatred. To prevent more of the samesuffering, we have to work with our own mind andcounteract our ignorance, confusion and hatred. Doingthis visualisation of taking refuge with everybody alltogether helps us maintain an open and compassionatemind. If we start thinking in a closed-minded way,putting people into negative categories, thinking theyare bad and deserve to suffer, then our minds becomevery similar to the minds of the terrorists. We needto prevent that.Another way to help is by being open and listeningto other people’s feelings about what happened. Weneed to learn how to listen to different people’sinterpretation of what is going on, and to acceptdifferent people’s emotional reactions towards whathappened. We might hear judgmental and biasedcomments or extreme views, and we need to learn tolisten and discern what these people are really tryingto say. Perhaps they are expressing fear or insecurity;perhaps they are confused about how their traditional

Dealing With Life’s Issues 45society should approach modernity. We need to listento people’s genuine concerns, which can be challengingwhen they may not be clear themselves what theiractual concerns are.Regardless of which side they support, mostpeople want to see a world with equal opportunities,economically and socially, where countries can governthemselves without being repressed by externalpowers. Everybody wants their own culture, languageand religion to be respected and to continue to exist.Everybody wants peace so that their children do nothave to grow up in the middle of warfare. Basically thisis what we all want, although we might have differentideas of how to get there. It’s important to come backto what everyone in the situation has in common.aThe Buddha preached non-violence. How do wereconcile this with the concept of justice thatthe American government and many peopleinternationally are demanding after the terroristattacks in New York and Washington, D.C.? Isrevenge a solution? How can innocent victims becompensated for their loss and suffering?I haven’t heard the word “justice” used in Buddhism.I haven’t read that word in the scriptures or heard it ina teaching. But some other major world religions speak

46 Dharma Guidance on World Eventsof “justice” a lot, and it’s a major concept or principlein those faiths.What does “justice” mean? In listening to peopleuse this word nowadays, it seems to mean differentthings to different people. For some, justice meanspunishment. In my experience, punishment doesn’twork. I work with prisoners in the States, and it isclear that punishment does not reform people who havenothing to lose to start with. In fact, punishment anddisrespect only increase their defiance. Punishmentdoesn’t work with individuals, and I don’t think it workson an international level either. The Buddha neveradvocated punishment as in “an eye for an eye and atooth for a tooth”. Instead, he encouraged compassionfor both the victims and the perpetrators of harm.With compassion, we try to prevent people who couldpotentially do criminal and terrorist activities fromharming others in the future.If compensation for loss means revenge, then asGandhi said, “An eye for an eye makes the whole worldblind”. Revenge doesn’t work. It does not undo thepast. It only provokes more anger, hatred and violence,which causes both sides to suffer more. If victims of atragedy think that somebody else experiencing sufferingwill alleviate their grief, they haven’t understood theirgrief. When we want others to suffer and we rejoicein their pain, how do we feel about ourselves? Do werespect ourselves for wishing others to suffer? I don’tthink so. It seems to me that in the long run, holding

Dealing With Life’s Issues 47grudges and cultivating vengeance only make us feelworse about ourselves. It neither relieves our grief norpacifies dangerous situations.If justice means preventing others from doing moreharm, that makes a lot of sense. From a Buddhistperspective, those who have perpetrated great harmare suffering and have little control over their mindsand emotions. They might harm others in the future.We have to prevent them from doing that for their ownsake as well as for the sake of the potential victims.These people create tremendous negative karma whenthey harm others and will suffer greatly in future lives.Cultivating compassion for people on both sides — forthe perpetrators and for the victims of terrorism — isextremely important. Motivated by compassion, we tryto capture the people who perpetrated the terror andimprison them. We do this not because we want topunish them or make them suffer, but because we wantto protect them from their own harmful attitudes andactions that damage themselves and others.I am not saying that Buddhists advocate remainingpassive when confronted with danger or harm. We can’tjust sit back and hope that it doesn’t happen again.That does not make sense. We have to be pro-active inpreventing future harm. We must find the people whosupport terrorism and stop their activities. But we doso motivated by compassion, not by hatred, anger orrevenge. In addition, we must be honest about what wecontributed to the situation and remedy that.

48 Dharma Guidance on World EventsWhat can well-respected, famous religious leadersdo to help the world situation and counteract thistendency towards revenge? What can we do asindividuals?It’s good for religious leaders to guide theirfollowers in a path of forgiveness and peace,combined with assertive action. Leaders of variousfaiths should meet together, listen to each other’sneeds and concerns, see what they agree on, andissue statements on the common ground. This wouldhave a very settling effect on the general public.What I find so sad — and religious leaders are notimmune from this — is that people grasp onto whatis ‘I’, ‘mine’ and ‘my side’. According to the Buddha’steachings, this grasping of ‘mine’ and ‘I’ is the sourceof cyclic existence and of all suffering. We can seethis so clearly. We need to go beyond clinging to ‘I’and ‘mine’. If religious leaders can put in some effortto go beyond usual religious divisions, it would bemost beneficial.On the individual and grassroots levels, you canencourage one another and call for a non-violentapproach. You can also volunteer to help other religiousgroups, especially those under threat due to terroristattacks. For example, a Jewish Buddhist that I knowwent to help patrol a mosque in Seattle because theMuslims were afraid other Americans would attack it.Furthermore, as individuals, we should learn about andunderstand each other’s religions.

Dealing With Life’s Issues 49How do we explain this to children so that they don’tgrow up with prejudice and/or fear and anxiety?We should let children know that what happenedwas a tragic and rare event. If adults aren’t anxiousand speak with compassion for the perpetrators andthe victims, children will not be afraid. Explain tochildren that all of us need to work together to resolveconflicts. Avoid teaching children there are good guysand bad guys, and that we should go out and kill thebad guys. That just makes them see the world as afearful place.aHow can the Dharma help in the healing processof those whose loved ones were killed in wars,terrorist attacks, natural disasters or accidents?I would use Dharma principles differently dependingupon whether I was advising Buddhists or non-Buddhists. For Buddhists, reflecting on karma andimpermanence is very helpful. I would not suggestteaching this to non-Buddhists at a time when they aregrieving, because they may not understand the Buddhistperspective on karma properly and misinterpret it tothink someone was fated to suffer or deserved to suffer.This clearly is a wrong understanding that could bedamaging to them.For those who properly understand karma and its

50 Dharma Guidance on World Eventsresults, reflecting that our own previous actions createour present experiences eases the grief. Personally, Ifind this very helpful, for then I stop blaming othersand feeling sorry for myself. Rather, I have renewedenergy to avoid acting destructively and to purify mypreviously created negative karma. It also inspires meto reduce my self-centredness in the future because myown selfishness made me create the negative karma,the painful results of which I am now experiencing.For non-Buddhists and Buddhists alike, I wouldadvise rejoicing that we had whatever time we did havewith those people we love. We know that nothing lastsforever and that separation from the people we love willoccur at one time or another. There is no way to preventthis, since we have mortal bodies. Even the Buddha losthis loved ones, and he himself passed away.When separation or death occurs, we are not grievingfor the past but for the future which we wanted to happenthat is now not going to happen. In other words, we hada vision of what we would like the future to be with ourloved ones and now it will not be actualised because theyhave died. So we are grieving for the future, not for thepast. If we think about this, we realise that we do notneed to grieve for the future because the future hasn’thappened yet. The future is actually an open, creativepotential. Just because the future we had in mind willnot happen, it doesn’t mean we have to suffer. We have alot going for us in our lives, and we can create a positivefuture even if our loved ones are absent.

Dealing With Life’s Issues 51We can also look at the past and say, “I was sofortunate to have known that person for the time thatI knew them.” We were extraordinarily fortunate tohave known and have had good relationships withthe people we cherished and who are meaningful inour lives. Even though those relationships do not lastforever, we can rejoice that we had the time we didhave with them. We can appreciate that and feel inour hearts the richness that we received from knowingthose people. Instead of mourning, let’s rejoice at thelove and goodness that we experienced with them.Now we will go forward in our lives and share whatwe received with other people. We will share the lovewe have received from our loved ones with others. Wewill now share with others the kindness that our dearones brought out in us. By shifting our attitude in thisway, we will be able to accept the change.aWith such a perspective, do you think some goodresult can be derived from the terrorist attacks,such as the September 11 attack?Good things can definitely come out of the presentsituation. My hope is that my country — individualAmericans as well as the government — will reflecton our past actions and examine what we have doneto contribute to other people’s feelings of hostility

52 Dharma Guidance on World Eventstowards us. Doing this, we may see how our consumermentality, our oil-driven economy, and arrogance as asuperpower have contributed to the ill-will that led tothe terrorist attacks. I’m not saying the attacks werejustified; the killing of thousands of people is neverjustified. But as much as we can see the ways in whichwe contributed to the causes that brought them about,that much we can begin to change and improve ourrelationships with others.I hope Americans will see that they need to makegreater effort to establish good relationships withIslamic countries. I hope the government will realiseits arrogance in backing out of the Kyoto Agreementon the environment and the missile treaty with Russiaand in not paying its dues to the United Nations.Hopefully, government leaders will see that it is notright for one country to act on its own, for the worldis an inter-related international community. Hopefully,the countries that harbour terrorist cells will also reevaluatetheir actions and seek other means to protestoppression or exploitation. As a planet, we need to reevaluatethe consumerist view that “more is better”,and how that view creates miserliness, jealousy andinequality. This, too, contributes to others’ hostility.Wealthy individuals and nations need to share morewith others in their own and other nations. Suchsharing is to everyone’s advantage, because it promotespeace.

Dealing With Life’s Issues 53Do you think that some Buddhists may suffer froma fundamentalist view of Buddhism?I have met some Buddhists who have been veryemphatic about the correctness of their Buddhisttradition to the point of criticising others. Thankfullynone of them has been extreme enough to resort toviolence. But, as Buddhists, we should not be arrogantand say we do not need to worry about this. Wheneverwe see faults in others, we must examine ourselves tosee if we have them too. One point in our favour is thatBuddhist teachings are very clear that killing is notacceptable. We hear stories of high-level bodhisattvaswho took life, but they had compassion for both thevictim and for the perpetrator and were willing toexperience the negative karmic results of killing. Butthose exceptions concern the few individuals who arehighly realised bodhisattvas and do not pertain to therest of us. For the rest of us, killing is detrimental.We need to take care that sectarianism does notarise within Buddhist groups, for sectarianism is akind of fundamentalism. We must avoid getting lockedinto sectarian views claiming “my teacher is the bestteacher,” “my Buddhist tradition is the best one”,“everybody should practise the meditation practiceI do”, and “everybody should keep morality the wayI keep morality”. Such attachment is the source offundamentalism. The Buddha spoke of grasping asbeing the root of suffering. Clinging to our own viewsof the Dharma is one form of grasping. We equate our

54 Dharma Guidance on World Eventsviews with ourselves and then defend them to death,thinking, “I am right and they are wrong!”Our judgmental mind likes to say, in absolute terms,that this is right and that is wrong; this is good andthat is bad. And of course, we arrogantly think that weare always on the side of what’s right and good, neveron the side of what’s wrong and bad!The Buddha was an incredibly skilful teacherwho gave different teachings to different disciplesbecause people have different interests, dispositionsand capabilities. The Buddha knew that one methodwouldn’t fit all, just as there isn’t one food that suitseveryone. Therefore, within his teachings, there are avariety of practices and methods to chose from. All ofthem relate back to the Four Noble Truths, and if weunderstand this, we see that none of them contradictsthe others. If we really have faith in the Buddha, wemust be open-minded, because the Buddha himselftaught such tolerance and appreciation of diversity.Worldwide, different religions will exist becausenot everybody has the same interests and dispositions.From a Buddhist view, such multiplicity of religionis beneficial, for everyone can find a spiritual paththat suits him or her. All genuine religions teachnon-harmfulness and compassion. It is only when areligious teaching is distorted by ignorant people thatfundamentalism arises. True religious practitioners ofall faiths cultivate ethical discipline, non-harmfulness,compassion and love.

Dealing With Life’s Issues 55We live in this world where each person’s actionhas a reaction. This interdependent relationshiphas resulted in the terrorist attacks in Americahaving an impact on us in other parts of theworld. How we perceive things will also have animpact on their reaction. Do you think the interreligiousdialogues could clear some of thesemisunderstandings? What role can Buddhists playin this area?Inter-religious dialogue is an important element.First of all, people need accurate information aboutother religions. After September 11, bookstores in theStates reported that all books on Islam were sold out.People realised they did not know about Islam andwanted to learn. In addition to reading, we need tomeet people who practise other faiths, so we can talk toone another and even practise together. A few monthsago, I took part in a retreat with a Catholic monk, aMuslim Sufi and a Theosophist. We took turns leadingmeditation and had panel discussions about our beliefs,practices and communities. Everyone found this useful.We learned not only about one another’s practice, butalso about how our communities operate. Such activitiesreduce friction among people, because we understandone another and see that everyone means well and isstruggling with similar problems.No country on this planet is homogenous. Each onehas several minority populations, so accurate knowledgeabout one another and tolerance are essential for a

56 Dharma Guidance on World Eventsnation to be peaceful internally. Since every governmentmust consider its minority populations, fosteringdialogues between the majority and the variousminorities is essential, not only for harmony in thecountry, but also for harmony internationally. Malaysiaand Singapore, for example, are pluralistic societies.America has people of so many different religions andorigins. About 20 percent of Israeli citizens are Arabs.Half of the population living in Jordan is Palestinian.In Lebanon, part of the population is Christian andpart is Muslim. Everywhere we go, we find countrieswith diverse internal populations. For us to functiontogether, citizens and governments have to be awareand sensitive to this diversity. Much can be doneat the grassroots level to get people talking to oneanother. Hence inter-religious dialogues are extremelyimportant, and it would be wonderful if the media airedmore programmes of such nature.Although differences exist among religions, we don’thave to quarrel about them. We can still respect others,even though they differ from us in certain aspects.The media should show religious leaders talking toone another with respect and interest. People followthe example of their leaders, and the media have theresponsibility to foster harmony in society, not just toreport on quarrels.a

Dealing With Life’s Issues 57What is your view on the destruction of theBuddha images in Bamiyan, Afghanistan?In 1973, I visited Afghanistan and saw the beautiful150 feet tall Buddha statues carved in the side of themountain in Bamiyan. Their destruction was a lossnot only for Buddhists but also for the world. Thesestatues were not only religious items, but were alsogreat artistic and historical artefacts. It is admirablethat as Buddhists, we did not riot or attack anyonewhen our holy artefacts were destroyed. Our non-violentresponse did not indicate fear or weakness on our part;it demonstrated that we do not believe in retaliation orinflicting harm on others. Although we shouldn’t boastabout this, we do need to point out to the world thatwe handled this peacefully. It may set an example sothat other people will see that non-violence is moreproductive as a response. On the other hand, we doneed to speak out and point out the destruction of thesesacred objects so that damage to sacred artefacts of anyreligion can be prevented in the future.Attachment to the statues could have caused us tolose our peace of mind and do actions that createdmore suffering. Violating the Buddhist principle ofnon-harmfulness in order to protect Buddhist statueswould have been completely contradictory!a

58 Dharma Guidance on World EventsHow do we develop love and compassion for thosewho have caused us so much pain and suffering?It is easy to feel angry when we are harmed. Whenmembers of Dharma Friendship Foundation, our centrein Seattle, met that fateful evening of September11, some said they were angry about the attacks. Ibelieve that underneath the anger are other emotionssuch as fear and helplessness. These feelings are veryuncomfortable, and we often do not know how to dealwith them. Anger gives us a false sense of power andcourage. As dangerous and painful as anger is, it makesus feel powerful, even though that power is false.When we get angry and blame others, we putthem in a category. We give them a label: “evil-doer”,“terrorist”, or “scum of the earth” and then thinkwe know everything about them. For example, wedeveloped an image that Osama Bin Laden is 100%evil. We don’t see him as a human being, but as astereotype. It’s as if we thought he came out of hismother’s womb as an adult who was a terrorist! But hedidn’t; he was an adorable baby, just like the rest of uswere. He was once a toddler learning to walk. He wasnot a terrorist from the beginning of his life.Looking deeper, we see that there are many moreaspects of his life than just being a terrorist. He had somegood qualities. I think he must have shown kindness tohis family and to the people around him. Of course, itis partial kindness, not universal kindness towards allbeings, but is our kindness impartial and universal?

Dealing With Life’s Issues 59From the Buddhist viewpoint, he, and everyoneelse we don’t like, have Buddha nature. We cannotsay someone with the potential to become a fullyenlightened Buddha is inherently and irredeemablyevil. We can speak about a person’s actions and saythey are harmful and destructive. However, we haveto separate the action from the person; the action maybe harmful but we cannot say the person is evil. Why?Because the fundamental nature of a person’s mindis untainted by defilements, and thus he or she canbecome a fully enlightened Buddha.aBut who is the “person”?That is a different topic altogether that could form aseparate interview! When we see that the fundamentalnature of someone’s mind is pure, it helps us let go ofour rigid categories and labels. We can differentiatethe action from the person. Then it’s possible to feelcompassion towards the person who is creating thisnegative action because we realise that he wants to behappy and free from suffering in the same way thatwe want to be happy and free from suffering. There isabsolutely no difference between us.Take a terrorist, criminal, or even a person at ourworkplace that we don’t like as an example. Each ofthem wants to be happy and avoid suffering. We and

60 Dharma Guidance on World Eventsthey are totally equal in that regard. There is no wayone can say my happiness is more important thanothers’ or my suffering hurts more than others’. Whenwe understand that being happy is the fundamentalwish of every sentient being, we know something veryimportant about everyone and can see beyond his or hernegative actions. Looking inside ourselves, we see thatwe want to be happy and free from suffering, yet westill act destructively due to our ignorance, confusion,anger, attachment, jealousy and arrogance. Likewise,other people do harmful actions because they, too, areconfused, just like we are. People do not harm othersbecause they are happy. Nobody wakes up in themorning, full of joy and says, “I feel so good I think Iam going to hurt somebody today” (laugh).Nobody hurts people when they are happy. Peoplehurt others because they are not happy. They hurtothers because they are miserable and confused.When we understand that is why the terrorists didwhat they did, we can have compassion for them. Thatdoes not mean we say what they did was right, goodor acceptable. Their actions were abominable. Theiractions harmed thousands of people, affected the entireworld, and created incredible negative karma that willcause the terrorists to experience suffering in horriblerebirths for a long time.Thus we can have compassion for them and wishthem to have happiness. At first, it may seem oddor even inappropriate to wish those who perpetrated

Dealing With Life’s Issues 61such harm to be happy. But if we think about it, if theterrorists were happy, they would not be doing terroristactivities. In wishing them to be happy, we don’tnecessarily wish them to have everything they thinkwill make them happy. Many times we human beingsthink something will make us happy when it won’t. Forexample, wishing an alcoholic to be happy does notmean we wish him to have all the liquor he wants, evenif he thinks that is going to make him happy. Rather,we wish him to be free of dependency on alcohol or anyother substance. We wish him to have self-confidenceand awareness of his beautiful inner potential so thathe does not seek to medicate his pain by using alcoholor drugs. Similarly, we want the terrorists to havehappiness, but not the false happiness that comes fromperpetrating or rejoicing at terrorist activities. Instead,we want them to have a correct understanding of theirown religion, to develop kindness towards all beings,to have a sense of their own virtuous potential, and tohave a constructive purpose in life.I believe young people who are attracted to terrorismdo so because they do not see a purpose in their lives.They do not see a higher goal. People in many nationsfind modernity hard to adjust to. It took the Westernworld centuries to adapt to it, and Western historywas anything but peaceful. Similarly, people in Islamicnations are trying to adapt to modernity after beingcolonised and having had their land arbitrarily dividedinto nations by European powers. They tried socialism

62 Dharma Guidance on World Eventsas a unifying force, and it didn’t work. Neither didnationalism. Young people are looking for a goal thatis beyond their own personal interest, a purpose thatfeels worthwhile. For some, capitalism and consumerismare the goals, but those are hollow and self-centred,even though many Southeast Asians and Westernersthink they bring happiness. So when these peopleare presented with a purpose, even if it is a distortedpurpose such as one put forth by fundamentalist Islamor Communism, they are attracted to it. I believethat all of us need to stop and ask ourselves, “Whatis a positive purpose in life? What will give our livesmeaning without being harmful to others?”After the terrorist attack in New York, there werebacklashes in which Middle Eastern minority groupsin the States were targeted for revenge. Perhapsunconsciously put forth by the media or simply due topeople’s ignorance, a concept was created that MiddleEastern minorities are terrorists. Do you think that,from the Buddhist perspective, having labels andconcepts such as “He is a Muslim, I am Buddhist, youare Christian” is good?There is nothing wrong with labels themselves. Weneed them to function in our conventional world. Forexample, we need labels to differentiate a baby froman adult. Problems arise, however, when we becomeattached to a label, or when we confuse the person withthe label. When we lump people together as a group,superimpose our judgment and narrow labels on them,

Dealing With Life’s Issues 63and then think this is who they are, it creates problems.Labelling “Buddhist”, “Christian” and “Muslim” is fairenough because people worship and practise in differentways. But the moment we say, “I am this and you arethat, therefore I can’t trust you”, or “therefore I ambetter”, or “therefore you should become what I am”,we get into problems.Sometimes people think, “I am this and you arethat, therefore we are different. Don’t try to imposeyour ways on me. If you do, I’ll try to impose my wayson you too”. That way of thinking is totally fruitless.It doesn’t bring peace and understanding. Suchdivisive attitudes may occur among groups in societyor even among people at a family dinner. If we lookwithin ourselves, why do we try to impose our viewson somebody else? It’s because we don’t have selfconfidence.When we don’t believe in ourselves, we tryto convince other people how good or how right we are,because we think that if we can convince them we aregood or right and they see us that way, then we mustbe good and right.When people lack self-confidence, they often becomearrogant in an attempt to feel good about themselves.Arrogance and low self-esteem are related. When wedon’t believe in ourselves, we create an image of beingknowledgeable and powerful in the hope that otherpeople (and we too) will believe we are. On the otherhand, when we believe in ourselves and feel comfortablewith ourselves, we don’t need to create such a false

64 Dharma Guidance on World Eventsimage or push our views on others. We don’t needto prove to others that we are competent, talented,intelligent, artistic and so forth because we know weare. When we are confident, we can also be humble,listen to others and respect them. His Holiness theDalai Lama is a good example of this.Let’s not judge terrorists, thinking, “They havesuch low self-esteem so they do this. But I have selfconfidenceand therefore would never act so deplorably.”That, too, is arrogance on our part. Instead, let’slook into the areas in which we lack confidence andare puffed up. Let’s observe when we push our viewsand ways of doing things on others. In other words,whatever fault we observe in others, we should lookfor it in ourselves as well and apply Dharma methodsto change it. As individuals, groups and countries, weneed to do this kind of reflection and transformationin ourselves.aAnother world event that people are concernedwith is global warming. What do you think of this?As Buddhists, what is our role in protecting theenvironment?Global warming is an important issue for everyoneon the planet. If you have not watched or read AnInconvenient Truth, I highly recommend you do so.

Dealing With Life’s Issues 65We must protect our environment that we sentientbeings live in. Some people are concerned that this isimpractical economically, but I do not believe this tobe the case. First, without protecting the environment,there will be no future for human life on this planet andthus no economy to worry about. Second, researchingand developing new and renewable energy sourceswill surely be financially profitable as these are majorneeds today.The Buddha taught interdependence and compassion.Both of these principles apply to global warming andenvironmental pollution. Our health and the healthand lives of other species depend on what we consumeand how we dispose waste products. Compassion forsentient beings entails protecting the place they livesince our happiness and well-being are intricately tiedto the environment around us. Thus, as Buddhists, weshould be very active in protecting the environment forthe benefit of all sentient beings.Reducing consumption and recycling are essential,and the Buddhist community needs to be more activein this regard. Instead of using Styrofoam containers,we should use paper. Better yet, use containers thatcan be washed or recycled. Instead of casually tossingwater bottles into the garbage, we should recycle them.Newspapers, magazines and general paper should berecycled in every business and home. Recycling maytake a little more effort on our part, but the benefitwill be dramatic, as will the harm if we neglect this.

66 Dharma Guidance on World EventsI believe those of us in modern societies have becomecomplacent. We are so used to throwing things out thatwe don’t think about where they come from and wherethey go when we dispose them. We have also becomeused to being able to get in the car and go whereverwe wish, again without considering where the fuel forthe cars comes from and where the petrol emissionsgo. But when we ignore such things, we are leaving ourmess for future generations to clean up. Is that showingcompassion for our children and grandchildren?Those of us in modern countries have become tooaccustomed to thinking only of our own convenience atany particular place and moment in time. We need toenlarge our perspective to include the dependent natureof everything involved in our existence. If we havesome awareness of this, we will act more responsibly,realising that our getting in the car and driving whenwe could take the bus or train influences whether or notpolar bears in the Artic will be able to survive. Waterpollution caused by factories and pesticides affectswhether we will have enough healthy drinking waterin the future. It also affects the existence of fish andother sea life. To protect all life forms on the planetand the environments they live in, we should happilyreduce consumption and relinquish conveniences whennecessary. Doing so might have beneficial effects onour social and family relationships as well.

Dealing With Life’s Issues 67DHARMA AND TERMINALILLNESSWhat are ways to deal with sickness?First, we have to understand that sickness isunavoidable. We all get sick. Once we are born intocyclic existence with a body that is under the influenceof mental afflictions and karma, sickness is guaranteed.That is the nature of our body — it ages and falls ill.Ultimately, it stops functioning all together. It diesand the ever-changing mindstream goes on to anotherrebirth.What are the ways to deal with sickness when itcomes? Our usual reactions to illness are to feel sorry

68 Dharma and Terminal Illnessfor ourselves, blame somebody else and be angry.These responses make ourselves and those aroundus miserable. Do they cure the illness? No, of coursenot.The Buddha encouraged us to look at sickness froma wider perspective; that is, although we should seekappropriate medicine to cure the illness, we should alsoinvestigate the root causes of sickness. Sickness happensafter birth in samsara (cyclic existence). Once we areborn, we will fall sick, unless death comes first. Whatare the causes of rebirth in cyclic existence? Mentalafflictions (principally clinging attachment, anger andignorance) and karma (our physical, verbal and mentalactions). These boil down to one principal cause: selfgraspingignorance, the ignorance that misapprehendsthe nature of reality. Thus, freeing ourselves from thisignorance is essential.Most of us agree, “Yes, yes, I must eliminateignorance. But, I’ll do it later. I’m having a good timeright now. I’m young and my life is in front of me. Ican do so many things. There are so many people Iwant to be with, new experiences I want to have, andpeople I care about. I want to have a career. I want totravel. I want to have new sense pleasures. I want becreative, artistic, athletic. I want to do this and that.I’ll worry about cyclic existence later on.”For eons, we have been procrastinating in confrontingthe principal cause of our misery. Where have theprocrastination and excuses gotten us? We keep taking

Dealing With Life’s Issues 69one rebirth after another because of them. Why do weprocrastinate? Because of craving.Our suffering traces back to ignorance and craving.To eliminate them, we first have to see the situationof cyclic existence clearly. This involves developinggreat courage to examine our situation, its origins, thealternative to it (liberation), and the path to liberation.We have to learn about and put some effort intorealising the ultimate nature of reality, the emptinessof inherent existence of all persons and phenomena.Only then, can we eliminate the ignorance which causesbirth, ageing, sickness and death.I will discuss other conventional ways to work withsickness, but to be faithful to the Buddha’s teachings, Iwanted to put this topic in the correct perspective first.Skipping over the explanation of cyclic existence inorder to give you helpful hints for immediate problemswould be cheating you. Rebirth in cyclic existence isthe actual problem and directly realising the ultimatenature of reality is the solution to it. However, until weget to the point when we non-conceptually realise theemptiness of inherent existence, here are some otherways to deal with sickness:1. Press the ‘pause’ button on fear.Observe the mind and see what our reaction tosickness is. I don’t know if it is the same for you, butwhen I’m sick, my mind becomes very afraid and jumpsto “worst case scenario” conclusions. For example, I

70 Dharma and Terminal Illnesshave a funny feeling in my chest and think I’m goingto have a heart attack. “What if the heart attackhappens while I’m in my cabin? Will someone findme soon enough? Will they be able to get me to thehospital quickly? In the States, we don’t have low-costhealth care, so how will the medical costs get covered?”It was just a small sensation, but my mind blows it upthinking, “I’m going to have a life-threatening heartattack!” Another scene: our stomach is upset and wethink, “This must be stomach cancer.” When our kneeshurt in meditation position, we think, “I’d better moveimmediately. Otherwise I will be crippled my entirelife.” Does your mind go wild and write these kindsof horror stories?Initially, there is simply a sensation of discomfort inthe body — a physical sensation. Depending on howwe relate to that physical sensation, we may create alot of mental suffering. When we react to that physicalsensation with fear and conjure up horror stories in ourminds, we create great mental suffering.If we are able to press the ‘Pause’ button on our fear,and just be aware of the physical sensations, we won’tcreate so much mental suffering. It is just a sensation toexperience. It doesn’t have to be something that scaresus. We don’t have to be tense. It is just a sensation,and we let that sensation be.In our meditation, we experience different physicalsensations. If we label a sensation “pain in the knee”,then everything really starts to hurt. However, if

Dealing With Life’s Issues 71we label it “sensation” and we don’t have a strongconcept or mental picture of our knee, then it is just asensation. Investigate: Where is the sensation? Whereis the body?Experiment with different ways of playing with thephysical experience of pain in your meditation, insteadof falling back into the habit of tensing around it andbeing afraid of it.2. What makes this sensation “mine”?Ever wondered what makes us tense and fearful whenwe experience a particular sensation? If we examine,it’s because we label it mine, “This pain is mine. Myback hurts.” As soon as the label “mine” is given, astrong sense of “I” arises and the sensation becomes abig deal. It’s interesting in our meditation to playfullyask ourselves, “What makes this sensation mine? Whatis me or mine about this sensation?” As the mindinvestigates this more deeply, we call into question thestrong notion of solid “I”. Does such an “I” and “mine”exist in the way it appears to? This leads us to meditateon the absence of independent or inherent existence.3. Think, “Oh good! It’s great that I’m sick!”Another way to respond when we are sick is to think,“It’s great that I’m sick!” This is diametrically opposedto how we usually think, isn’t it? The Dharma antidotesfor most of our afflictions are the exact opposite of whatour mind automatically thinks. The Buddha prescribed

72 Dharma and Terminal Illnessdoing the opposite of what our self-centred mind wantsto do. In this case, it means when we are sick, we say,“Great! I’m so glad to be sick!”You may think, “Are you crazy? What do youmean by ‘It’s great to be sick?’” Look at it this way:our illness is caused by negative karma that we havecreated in the past. Now that the negative karmais ripening in the form of our sickness, it is notobscuring our mind anymore. Maybe that negativekarma had the force to cause us to be reborn in ahorrible rebirth (such as a hell being, hungry ghost oranimal) for a long time, but instead it is now ripeningas a comparatively small pain. If we look at it thisway, the illness we have right now is actually quitemanageable. It is not something to freak out about.It is not that bad; compared to an unfortunate birththat lasts for eons, this is a breeze! In fact, if it werethis easy to purify such dreadful negative karma, wewouldn’t mind even being a little sicker!While a nun who was a friend of mine was on aretreat, a big boil surged up on her cheek. It was verypainful. She was taking a walk during a break betweenmeditation sessions when she met our teacher, LamaZopa Rinpoche. Rinpoche asked, “How are you?” Shegroaned, “I have this boil…” Rinpoche replied, “Great!Fantastic! You’re so fortunate!” This was of coursethe last thing she wanted to hear. She wanted somepity. But Rinpoche said, “This is wonderful! You’reexperiencing the result of so much negative karma that

Dealing With Life’s Issues 73could have ripened in a horrible state just by having aboil. How fortunate you are!”If we look at it this way, we realise that our presentillness or pain is actually not so bad. We can bear itwhen we think that it could have ripened in a morepainful way. In addition, we feel fortunate that thiskarma is ripening now, so then it won’t obscure ourmind anymore. Without it clogging up our mind,generating realisation of the path to enlightenmentwill be easier. This is another tool to use when youare sick.4. Just be kind.Several years ago, another friend who was in herearly thirties went to see a doctor because she wasn’tfeeling well. He diagnosed her as having a terribledisease and told her she would be sick for a long timeand would probably die.My friend’s instantaneous reaction was, of course,to be upset and frightened. She began to slip into selfpity,depression and anger. Then at some point, she juststopped and asked herself, “If the Dalai Lama were inmy shoes, how would he feel? How would he handlethis situation?” Thinking about it, she reckoned thatHis Holiness would conclude, “Just be kind.”So she adopted “Just be kind” as her motto. Shethought, “I’m going to be in the hospital for a whileand will meet all sorts of people there — nurses,technicians, therapists, doctors, janitors, other patients,

74 Dharma and Terminal Illnessmy family and others. I’m going to be kind to all ofthem.” She made up her mind to be kind to everyoneshe was going to encounter during her journey in thehospital and hospice.Once her mind decided to be kind, it becamepeaceful. She had accepted that she was sick, and shehad a mode of action, which was to just be kind. Sherealised that even while she was sick, her life could stillbe beneficial. She could share kindness with others thatwould improve the quality of their lives. She could bea cheerful, cooperative and appreciative patient whobrought happiness to the hospital staff and the otherpatients.As it turned out, after her doctor did more tests,he told her that the first diagnosis was wrong: she didnot have such a bad disease. Of course, she was quiterelieved to hear that, but she said that working with hermind about being ill had been a very good experiencefor her. Now that her prognosis wasn’t so bad, it wouldbe even easier to be kind to others.5. Lead a worthwhile life using your mindWhile I lived in Singapore in 1987 and 1988, I meta very nice young man who was dying from cancer.He was in his late twenties and before falling ill, hada very optimistic life. He had just been accepted toan American university for graduate studies and wasexcited about going, but after he got sick, all thoseplans stopped midstream. One day I visited him and

Dealing With Life’s Issues 75he woefully said, “I’m just a useless person. I can’teven leave my flat.” We were near the window, and Isaid, “Look out the window. There are so many peopledriving around, walking to and from the train station,busily going here and there. Do you think their livesare worthwhile? They might be busy running aroundwith a full schedule, but does that mean their livesare worthwhile?”I went on to explain that living a worthwhile lifedoes not mean being the busiest of the busy. Livinga worthwhile life depends upon what we do with ourmind. Even if our body is incapacitated, if we use ourheart and our mind to practise the Dharma, our lifebecomes very beneficial. We don’t need to be healthyto practise the Dharma.It might be easier to practise if we are healthy, butstill, if we are sick, we can use whatever time andenergy we have to practise. Even if we cannot sit upstraight and are lying on a bed, even if we have to sleepmany hours, even if we are weak or cannot see well,we can still think kind thoughts and contemplate thenature of reality. We can think about karma and takerefuge in the Buddha, Dharma and Sangha. There isso much Dharma practice that we can do even whenwe are sick. When we take advantage of this situationto practise the Buddha’s teachings, we make our lifevery meaningful.Don’t think your life is meaningful just becauseyou are running around making widgets. Don’t think

76 Dharma and Terminal Illnessthat having money, a full schedule, many possessionsand many friends are qualities of a meaningful life.Sometimes, externally our lives may look wonderful andwe may have many awards and possessions to show forour efforts, but in the process of procuring these, wemay have created negative karma. That negative karmais not a useful product of our activities. For instance,when we have a lot of greed or self-centred ambitionto be famous, we may lie, deceive and cheat others. Wemay talk behind others’ backs, ruin their reputation,break up friendships and gossip to get what we want.Although we may fulfil our desires, all these externalsigns of success will fade and when we die, only ourkarma will follow us.On the other hand, we could be sick and lying inbed, but if we use our mind to create constructivepositive karma, we are creating the cause for a goodrebirth. If we meditate on love and compassion anddo the taking and giving meditation while we are lyingin bed, our mind will become closer to liberation andenlightenment. This makes our life highly meaningfulin the long run.Don’t underestimate the power of the mind. Themind is very powerful. Even if we are sick, just the powerof the positive thoughts we generate can influence thepeople around us quite a bit. Kind and wise thoughtsand feelings also bring about good rebirths and propelus on the path to enlightenment.

Dealing With Life’s Issues 77Since I learned of my mother’s illness, I haven’tbeen able to sit and meditate. I feel sad andparalysed because what I am able to offer to easeher misery seems to be so little. I thought of sayingprayers for her, but I don’t know how to or whatto pray for. Could you please advise me?It’s wonderful that you are seeking ways to applythe Dharma to your present situation. You want tohelp your mother and to do that most effectively, youhave to overcome your own sadness and paralysis. Youcan achieve that by contemplating the disadvantages ofsamsara — the six sufferings, the three types of dukkha(unsatisfactory circumstances), the eight difficulties ofhuman beings and so forth. Doing these meditationswill help you understand that what transpires, althoughnot pleasant, is standard fare for us sentient beingstrapped in samsara. As long as we are caught in cyclicexistence, being reborn repeatedly under the influenceof mental afflictions and tainted karma, lastinghappiness is not possible. Real freedom from illnessand distress is possible only when we have liberatedourselves from cyclic existence through realising theultimate nature of phenomena. Understanding thiswill energise one to strive for liberation and diminishthe tendency to think one can make samsara fun andsuffering-free.In addition, observe the thoughts and emotions youare having. You may want to jot some of them down.Don’t judge them; just acknowledge them. Observe

78 Dharma and Terminal Illnesswhat is happening inside you, accept the feelings, butdon’t indulge in them or get caught up in the storiesbehind them. The mind likes to conjure many storiesabout how things should be. But how we think thingsshould be and how they are differ. As much as we canaccept the reality of what is at the present moment, thatmuch we stop fighting reality. Sometimes reality is notso pleasant, but when we fight it, we create additionalsuffering for ourselves. Crying, “My mother shouldn’tbe ill” does not make her well. When you accept herillness, you will be more at peace within and thus betterable to respond to her needs.Then examine which of your thoughts and feelingsare supported by negative states — ignorance,attachment, anger — and which are by positive states— loving-kindness, compassion, patience, generosityand wisdom. Differentiate which thoughts are realisticand which are seeking something that cannot come tobe. Then ask yourself, “What other ways can I look atthese situations?” In this regard, it can be helpful tothink, “How would Chenrezig (Guanyin), the Buddhaof Compassion, look at this situation? If Chenrezig werein my shoes, how would he view the situation? Whatthoughts and feelings would he have and how wouldhe deal with the situation?” Thinking like this is veryhelpful for pulling us out of the narrow viewpoint ofdiscouragement and depression.Doing the Chenrezig practice would also be helpful.Visualise Chenrezig (Guanyin) in the space in front of

Dealing With Life’s Issues 79you, with a body made of radiant light. While recitingthe mantra om mani padme hum, imagine beautiful lightradiates from Chenrezig and it fills your body, freeingyou from sadness and grief and pacifying your mind.It fills your mother’s body, healing her illness andpurifying the karma that caused the illness. The lightalso fills all sentient beings, purifying their afflictionsand karma and filling them with love and compassion.The light also inspires you, your mother and all sentientbeings so that you can actualise realisations of thepath. At the end, concentrate on all beings being filledwith Chenrezig’s light of wisdom and compassion andabiding in peace.Doing the tonglen (taking and giving) meditationis also beneficial. In it, take suffering and its causes— afflictions and karma — from your mother. You canalso take suffering and its causes from your future self.The latter will help you accept whatever you are feelingand free you from judging yourself. Then broaden thescope of the meditation so that with compassion, youtake the suffering of all sentient beings and use it todestroy the self-centredness that plagues you, and withlove imagine transforming, multiplying and giving yourbody, possessions and merit to sentient beings, bringingthem happiness and the realisations of the path. ReadTransforming Adversity into Joy and Courage by Geshe JampaTegchok for an excellent and in-depth description ofhow to do the taking and giving meditation.This is a wonderful time for you to connect with

80 Dharma and Terminal Illnessyour mother in a meaningful way. Just love her andshow her your love. That in itself will help ease hersuffering. Of course, you do whatever you can to easeher physical misery, but don’t expect to be able tocease it altogether. Not even the Buddha can do that!Rather give her comfort. Give her space so that shecan discuss topics that are of concern to her. Just beingable to discuss her worries with someone who can listento her from his or her heart will help her.Of course, that means you have to be comfortabletalking about these topics too. Sometimes, bringing updeath, financial difficulties, past discord in the familyand so on makes us anxious. For that reason, we usuallychange the topic quickly if a sick or dying person bringsit up or brush off his or her concern by saying, “Don’ttalk like that” or “Don’t worry.” However, some of thesetopics are of great importance to that person and ouremotional discomfort and inability to listen close theavenue to that person being able to work out key issues.Therefore, as much as we can, we should use Dharmapractice to contemplate these issues ourselves, so thatwe will be at ease in discussing them with others. Ofcourse, that doesn’t mean we should push an ill personto discuss a topic he or she is not yet ready to discuss; itmeans we are open and relaxed to talk about it shouldhe or her bring it up.Dedicating our Dharma practice to the ill person,and making prayers for his or her well-being canaid us and others. I recommend reciting The King of

Dealing With Life’s Issues 81Prayers, which is also called The Extraordinary Aspirationof the Practice of Samantabhadra. A beautiful prayer aboutbodhisattva practice, it has us envisioning Buddhalands on each atom, thus stretching our mind beyondits usual ordinary conceptions and inspiring it.Reading and contemplating the Four Immeasurables— equanimity, love, compassion and joy — are alsohelpful. You can read these to your mother as well andask her to contemplate them together with you.How wonderful it would be if all sentient beings were toabide in equanimity, free of bias, attachment and anger.May they abide in this way. I shall cause them to abide inthis way. Lord Buddha, please inspire me to be able to do so.How wonderful it would be if all sentient beingshad happiness and its causes.May they have these. I shall cause them to have these.Lord Buddha, please inspire me to be able to do so.How wonderful it would be if all sentient beings were freefrom suffering and its causes.May they be free. I shall cause them to be free.Lord Buddha, please inspire me to be able to do so.How wonderful it would be if all sentient beings were neverparted from upper rebirth and liberation’s excellent bliss.May they never be parted.I shall cause them never to be parted.Lord Buddha, please inspire me to be able to do so.

82 Dharma and Terminal IllnessYou can also express your deepest aspirations andwishes for your mother and all sentient beings in yourown words. For example, you may aspire,May my mother fully recover from her illness, meet theBuddha’s teachings, practise them well, and quickly become afully enlightened Buddha.If she is unable to recover fully, may she accept herlimitations and still make her life meaningful by thinkingcompassionate thoughts.If she dies, may her mind be relaxed and loving; may herbody be free from pain.In her future rebirths may she encounter the Dharma andhave all conducive circumstances to practise it.May she transform her mind into wisdom and compassionand become a Buddha for the benefit of all.In all future lives in whatever forms we meet, may weonly help each other to create constructive karma and aideach other along the path to enlightenment.aWhat happens if there is a sudden death orsomebody is in a coma before he or she dies?In a sudden death, I think there is still a briefopportunity for a flash of virtuous thoughts to arise. Themore we train ourselves to have virtuous states of mind

Dealing With Life’s Issues 83in our daily life, the more likely it is for them to arisejust before death, due to the force of familiarity.In the case of a coma, I am not convinced thatpeople are oblivious to their environment. I have talkedto people who were comatose and they remember beingconscious in coma. Although their minds were not asclear as in ordinary waking state, they said they couldhear and understand what the people in the room weresaying. However, they could not communicate outwardlywith everybody else. One friend said she was aware andwanted to talk but could not. Meanwhile, those standingaround her were saying, “She’s still in a coma.”I believe it is effective to meditate and recite prayerssitting near a person in coma. Hearing words thatexpress good values and altruistic aspirations soothesthat person’s mind, even if he or she cannot speak orlet us know that he or she is hearing them. We shouldalso be careful of what we say near a comatose personso as not to upset him or her unintentionally. Our wordscan influence people who are dying or in a coma, solet’s take care to speak in a beneficial way. If we arecomatose and have some awareness, then as much aspossible we should try to take refuge in the ThreeJewels and steer our mind in a virtuous direction.a

84 Dharma and Terminal IllnessHow should one prepare for a loved one’s death?In the weeks or months before the person dies:• Express your positive feelings for your loved one.Tell the person you love him or her (write aletter if you can’t speak with the person directly).Don’t wait until he or she is no longer around todiscover and express your affection and love.• Encourage the person to share his or her loveand kindness with others. Help your loved oneremember all of the love and kindness that heor she has given and received from others duringhis or her lifetime.• Encourage the person to remember the beneficialthings he or she did in his or her life.• If the person express regrets, listen withacceptance and kindness.• Clear up your relationship with the dyingloved one. If you need to forgive the person orapologise to him or her, do that. If the personapologise to you, accept when he or she makesamends.• Encourage the person to forgive whomeverhe or she needs to forgive and to apologise towhomever he or she needs to apologise to.• Encourage the person to give away his or herpossessions in a spirit of generosity. In that way,the person will accumulate great merit which heor she should dedicate to have a good rebirthand to attain liberation and enlightenment.

Dealing With Life’s Issues 85• Encourage family members to do kind things tohelp the dying family member.• Discuss about end-of-life issues — “living will”,the amount of medication to ease pain, religiousservices, burial or cremation, donations to makein their name, distribution of possessions, and soforth — if and when the person is willing to doso.• Let go of your own agenda, of what you wantthe dying person to talk about or how you wantthe person to die. Listen to him or her with yourheart. Talk about what he or she wants to talkabout, not what you think he or she should thinkabout.• Let your dying loved one tell you how much (ifany) pain medication he or she needs. Since theperson is terminal, there is no need to worryabout addiction. On the other hand, avoidsedating the person more than is needed. Try tokeep his or her mind as clear as possible withoutthe person being in excessive pain.• Get in touch with your own issues about death,and use your Dharma practice to help you workwith the dying person.At the time of death:• Make the room as quiet and peaceful aspossible.• Be peaceful and calm. Avoid crying in the room.

86 Dharma and Terminal IllnessAsk all those who are upset to step outside theroom so that the room can remain peaceful forthe sake of the person who is dying.• Mentally give your dying loved one a heartfelthug and let the person know of your love for himor her, but do not cling or encourage the personto cling.• If it seems necessary, remind the person that hisor her children and other family members willbe all right after he or she passes away.• If the person is of another faith, talk to him orher in the language of that faith — use words,symbols and concepts with which the person isfamiliar. Encourage the person to have faith andto generate a kind heart towards others. If heor she is not religious, talk about compassion orloving-kindness. That will help his or her mindto be calm and peaceful.• Recite mantras or say prayers for the person,quietly or aloud, depending on what is appropriate,as he or she is dying.• Don’t do anything to bring up distress; forexample, don’t speak of old hurts.• Often the person who is about to die will waituntil family members have left the room and heor she is either alone or with someone who is notfamily before passing away. Don’t feel that you didsomething wrong or have abandoned the personif he or she dies while you are not there.

Dealing With Life’s Issues 87• Remember: you can’t prevent anyone fromdying.• Trust the person in his or her process and besupportive.• Tell surrounding family members that we arefond of the dying person and that we love himor her. Say thank you to the person.After death:• If it is possible, allow the body to be untouchedfor three days after breathing has stopped inorder to give time for the consciousness to leavethe body. This usually needs to be pre-arrangedwith the hospital or family. Do not touch thebody during this time. If the body starts to smellor if you see fluid oozing from the nostrils, itindicates that the consciousness has left and thebody may be moved even before three days havetranspired. If it is not possible to leave the bodyuntouched for that long (it often isn’t), then leaveit untouched for as long as possible.• After the person has died, touch his or hercrown (top of the head) when you first touchthe body, and say, “Go to pureland” or “Take aprecious human rebirth”. Or, according to theperson’s faith, say, “Go to heaven” or “Go to asafe place”.• Dedicate merit for the person to have aprecious human rebirth: “May you have all

88 Dharma and Terminal Illnessconducive circumstances to practise the pathto enlightenment.” Pray that the deceased’stransition to the next life is free from fear oranxiety. Express in words or in your thoughtsall the good wishes you have for the deceased.After a dear one dies, it is very beneficial forpeople who are close to him or her to do prayers andmeditations on that person’s behalf. These are describedbelow. It is also helpful to offer his or her possessionsto charities. In that way, their possessions will be usedby people who need them, such as the poor, needy andill. We can then rejoice that other people benefit fromhaving use of those things and dedicate the merit fromgenerosity, for our loved one’s good rebirth, liberationand enlightenment. This is an excellent way to benefitthe ones we love. People also make monetary offeringsto temples, monasteries, spiritual masters and Dharmacentres on behalf of a loved one. Since holy beingsare considered a “field of merit” due to their virtue,great merit is created from offering to them. You mayalso request the monasteries or Dharma centres to domeditations and prayers for the deceased person.Here’s a condensed meditation and prayer you cando after a dear one dies:Visualise Chenrezig (Guanyin) above your head.Visualise your dear one in front of you, with anotherChenrezig on the person’s head. As you recite the mantra,visualise much light and nectar from Chenrezig flowinginto him or her, completely purifying all obscurations,

Dealing With Life’s Issues 89negativities, distress, afflictions, disturbing emotions,fear etc, and bringing all enlightened qualities — love,compassion, generosity, wisdom etc. Then imagineChenrezig melting into light and that the light goesinto the person’s heart centre (at the middle of theirchest). Think that their mind and Chenrezig’s mind ofwisdom and compassion become non-dual.Conclude the meditation by dedicating for thehappiness and enlightenment of all sentient beingsand especially praying for the deceased. You may reciteverses written by the great masters or you may expressyour wonderful good wishes in your own words as yousend the person onto his or her next life with love. Youmay aspire and pray:May ______ have a precious human life. May he orshe be born in a place with abundant food, clothing,medicine and shelter. May he or she have good friends,meet fully qualified Mahayana spiritual teachers whowill stimulate his or her good qualities and guide himor her along the path to enlightenment. May his orher kind heart, talents and skills manifest readily inhis or her next life and may he or she use them tobenefit all beings. May he or she gain the realisationof equanimity, love, compassion and joy. May he or sherealise the ultimate nature of reality. May all his orher future lives, wherever he or she is born, be usefuland beneficial for all sentient beings.May he or she have all conducive circumstancesfor practice, generate the three principal aspects of

90 Dharma and Terminal Illnessthe path (the determination to be free, the altruisticintention and correct view of the emptiness of inherentexistence), and quickly become a Buddha. Through myDharma practice, may I benefit this person, leading himor her on the path to enlightenment. By my practicebecoming stronger and purer, may I be able to teachthis person the Dharma in future lives.If you wish, recite The Extraordinary Aspiration of thePractice of Samantabhadra for the person. You could alsodo the Medicine Buddha practice. Since family andfriends have a strong connection with the person, theirdoing meditation and dedications for the person isimportant. If you can do these on the 7th, 14th, 21st,28th, 35th, 42nd and 49th days after the person’s death,it is especially good. (Note: the day the person dies counts asDay 1, so if she dies on a Monday, the 7th, 14th, and so on dayswill be on Sundays.)aI have heard about the practice of phowa, thetransference of consciousness at the time of death.Is it helpful to do this practice for the deceasedperson?For a person to do phowa at the time of his or herdeath, the person must have practised it while he orshe was alive. It is extremely important for someonewho practises phowa to do a long life practice such as

Dealing With Life’s Issues 91Amitayus as well. Then, if well trained, the person willknow the right time in the death process to transferhis or her consciousness.If someone has a close karmic or Dharma relationshipwith the deceased person and has mastered the phowapractice, he or she may be able to transfer the otherperson’s mind to pureland at the time of death.However, if the former is not well trained in phowa ordoes not have a close relationship, there is little benefitin doing the phowa practice. Many people like to thinkthey can do phowa and transfer another person’s mindto the pureland at death. However, since most areunable to keep their own mind free from afflictions andnon-virtuous thoughts while they are alive and healthy,thinking that they can control another person’s mindat the delicate time of death is inappropriate.The Seven Point Thought Training speaks of transferenceof consciousness in a different way, mentioning thepractice of the five forces while alive and the five forcesat the time of death. I have found this teaching a veryinspiring practice for generating bodhicitta and thewisdom realising emptiness in our lives and applyingboth of these at the time of death. I encourage you tostudy this book.a

92 Dharma and Terminal IllnessHow can we deal with grief when our loved onesdie?First, we have to understand the grieving process.Grieving is the process of adapting to a change weeither didn’t expect or didn’t want to happen. Transienceand impermanence are the nature of things, but dueto ingrained ignorance, we reject this truth. Changecomes as a surprise to the mind that mistakenly graspsat permanence. Thus grieving helps us to adjust to achange we didn’t want or didn’t anticipate. Grieving,when done in a healthy way, enables us to acceptchange.All of us know intellectually that we and the peoplewe love are going to die. However, in our hearts, wedon’t really believe it. Some corner of our mind thinksthat somehow it is going to be different, that we willbe able to control the world so that the changes wedon’t want won’t happen. Deep down, we believe thatthings will continue the way they are, even though weintellectually know that they will change. Grievinghelps us to bring our intellectual understanding ofimpermanence into our heart so that we can acceptthe natural process of change.The Buddha encouraged us to meditate on thetransient nature of people and phenomena. When wedo, we let go of expecting things to be the way wewant. We come to see change as a possibility and anopportunity for growth, instead of viewing it as a lossand an enemy to avoid. Whether change brings us joy or

Dealing With Life’s Issues 93misery does not depend so much on what the externalevent is, but on our attitude about it.Sometimes, the pain we experience when changeoccurs — especially the change that death entails — isdue to the conditioning we receive from adults when wewere young. For example, our parents or other relativesmay have felt uncomfortable discussing unwantedchanges such as death. They may have treated it as ataboo subject. Or we may have seen adults around ussobbing or withdrawing into depression when a deathoccurred in the family. In some cultures, if you don’twail, it means you didn’t really love the deceasedperson. In understanding our own reactions to death,it may be helpful to recognise the events we witnessedand the conditioning we received in this area whenwe were young. Thankfully, now as adults we canunderstand these experiences better so that they don’tkeep us bound in misery.When a loved one passes away, a variety of emotionscan come into our minds in quick succession. First,there is shock and disbelief, especially if the deceasedis a young person. This comes due to our misconceptionthat impermanent things are permanent. The body isstill there, but the person is no longer there. The mind— the part of a person that feels, emotes, cognises andexperiences — is missing.Then a sense of loss and sadness pervades when ourminds jump into the future and have thoughts such as,“My dear one is no longer here. I miss him or her. My

94 Dharma and Terminal Illnessfuture will be dreadful without this person in my life.”Is this thought true? How do we know the future isgoing to be bad? Of course, we may miss the deceasedperson, but our lives involve more than one person.Our forecast of a dismal future is neither realistic noraccurate. Actually, our sadness is because we had aconception of the future, and now it is evident thatwhat we envision of will not occur. In other words, wemourn a future that will never happen. Of course, thatfuture hasn’t happen yet, so we are not actually losinganything we had. We are just giving up an incorrectpreconception of how the future would be like.Third, confusion steps in. Our minds start spinning,“Why did this happen? Why did the person have todie?” We think that if we know why our dear one died,we could have prevented it. Is that true? From themoment we were born, we are heading towards death.This isn’t morbid, it is just the fact of life that everyonewho is born must die. Why did they die? Because theywere born in cyclic existence under the influence ofafflictions and karma. Even if we knew the disease orinjury that was the direct cause of the person’s death,we couldn’t bring the person back to life.Death is a natural outcome and a part of life. Forordinary beings, death marks a transition into a futurelife in the cycle of death and rebirth. Once we havetaken a rebirth, death is the natural and inevitableoutcome. Life and death are inextricably bound up.We are usually busy in seeking pleasures and running

Dealing With Life’s Issues 95around trying to be successful. But, when somebodydies, we may start to question ourselves about themeaning of life and what happens after death.The confusion may progress to become anger andforceful rejection of what happened, “It isn’t fair thathe died. He was too young to die. Who allowed thisto occur?” Can anger or blaming others change thesituation and undo it? No, it cannot.Guilt is another emotion some people feel after thedeath of a dear one. For example, if we quarrelledwith that person in our most recent encounter, wemay feel guilty or remorseful for having made cruelcomments. In this case, doing a purification practiceand generating love and compassion for all sentientbeings is a good method to alleviate the guilt. Then,we should bear this incident in mind and avoid utteringharsh words in the future. We don’t know when theother person or ourselves will die, and we don’t want tofeel guilty for making what could be our last encountera hurtful one.Self-forgiveness is important if previously we hadacted in hurtful ways towards the deceased. Weacknowledge that we have made a mistake, andunderstanding that we were suffering and confused atthat time, we forgive ourselves. We should also reflecton how we got involved in that harmful behaviour andits disadvantages. In that way, we will learn from ourmistakes and move forward in life with wisdom andmindfulness, rather than tormenting ourselves with

96 Dharma and Terminal Illnessguilt. We cannot undo that situation; we can onlylearn from it. Guilt and self-blame are useless andnon-productive emotions.Sometimes, people blame themselves for anotherperson’s death, even when they do not have any directresponsibility for it. Parents may think — even whentheir children are adults — that they should havebeen able to prevent the child’s death. Friends may beovercome with self-doubt, “What if I had done xyz? Thenmy friend would not have died.” Blaming ourselves foranother person’s death is unrealistic. From the Buddhistperspective, things happen because the causes for themexist. We don’t have control over all the causes. We areone small part in this mass of interdependent factorsthat come together to produce an event. We can’t controleverything. No one can, not even the Buddha.After someone dies, we are likely to experience avariety of emotions. It is good to recognise that this willhappen and accept it. At the same time, we can observeour emotions and assess them. Are they realistic andreasonable? What preconceptions lie behind them?Everyone will have a different grieving process. Weneed to accept that difference and grieve in a waythat is suitable for us as well as give space to othersto grieve in a different way.Several years ago, I was asked to preside at amemorial service for a man in his thirties who haddied of cancer. When his wife spoke at the service, shewas radiant. She said, “John, I’m going to take all that

Dealing With Life’s Issues 97love you gave me, all the love we shared together, intomy heart. And then, because it’s not something thatcan ever diminish, I’m going to spread it out frommy heart to everyone I encounter.” I was very movedby her words, and I am sure her husband would havebeen as well.Grief after the death of a loved one is not aboutmissing them in the present as much as realisingthat our image of the future — a future which hadincluded them — needs to be changed. In other words,we are not mourning the past, we are mourning thefuture. But the future never was, was it? It was onlyour conception, so why cling onto something that wasnever there? Instead, let’s rejoice that we knew thisperson for as long as we did. How wonderful that wewere able to share and to learn from each other for aslong as we did. Everything is transient; and we were sofortunate to have them in our lives and to love themand be loved by them for as long as we did.What an incredible way to heal from the death ofa loved one — to rejoice at the time we had togetherinstead of mourning for a future that never was andwill never be. How wonderful it is to share the love wehave for one person by opening our hearts to othersand giving that love to them. This enables us to havelove and compassion for our loved one, wherever thecontinuity of his or her mindstream was reborn. Wesend our dear one off with love, wishing him or herthe best, knowing that the person has the potential for

98 Dharma and Terminal Illnessenlightenment, and praying that he or she will makeuse of his or her internal goodness in the future. We,too, have this potential for enlightenment, so let’s accessit within our own heart and mind and having done so,live peacefully within ourselves and make a positivecontribution to the well-being of others.We can use loss of any kind — of a person, of ourhome or job — to fuel our determination to be free ofthis cycle of rebirth caused by ignorance, attachment,anger and karma. We use our own suffering torecognise that suffering from loss is common to allliving beings, and in this way increase our compassionfor others. Then with the wish to free all sentient beingsfrom all suffering in cyclic existence, we generatebodhicitta, the aspiration to attain full enlightenmentfor their benefit.Giving away the belongings of our deceased dearones to the poor and needy, or making monetaryofferings to temples, monasteries, spiritual masters andDharma centres on their behalf, and then dedicatingthe merit from generosity for the deceased’s goodrebirth, liberation and enlightenment is an excellentway to benefit the ones we love. It also has the byproductof producing happiness and peace in our ownmind. This process of doing something on behalf of thedeceased — through making donations, doing spiritualpractices and dedicating — helps us heal from our lossbecause we are engaged with helping the ones we loveand others as well.

Dealing With Life’s Issues 99There is no fixed time schedule for the length ofthe grieving process or the stages we go through whengrieving. Each of us requires a different length of time;each person grieves in his or her own way. Sometimes,the smallest thing can unexpectedly trigger memoriesof those who have died. This happens and is to beexpected. There is no cause for alarm. Whenever thegrief arises, accept it. Call forth your own love andcompassion for your loved one, for yourself and for allbeings. Reaffirm your determination to live honestly,kindly and generously. Use the remembrance of thatperson to inspire you to live in a vibrant way withkindness towards yourself and other beings. If youwere previously too busy to nourish your spiritualaspirations, allow yourself to do that now. Getting intouch with our ethical values and spiritual aspirationscan transform our lives. This is a tribute to our dearones who had passed away.I would like to relate to you a story that illustrateshow death can bring people together in remarkableways and inspire others in their spiritual practice.I was in Bodhgaya, India, in 1998, having beeninvited to be a member of the bhikshuni sangha givingfull ordination. Venerable Chopel Dronma from Spainhad come with ten of her sister nuns from Samye LingBuddhist Centre in Scotland to attend the ordination.She was in her forties; she had a heart condition,although very few people knew about it. One morningduring the ordination programme, she suddenly

100 Dharma and Terminal Illnesscollapsed under the bodhi tree. Although people triedto revive her, she was dead within half an hour’s time.Fortunately, her teacher Lama Yeshe from Samye Lingwas by her side doing prayers.Two days later, hundreds of people gathered for thefuneral. People who had never met Venerable Chopelbut had heard about her unusual death came to offerflowers, incense, katas and candles. Her body was ina simple box; we sprinkled flowers over it and placedit in the back of a jeep that carried it to a vast sandyarea across the dried up Neranjara River. We, nuns,lifted her body out of the box and placed it on thefuneral pyre. By that time, hundreds of people werethere — Indians, Europeans, Tibetans, Chinese, SriLankas and others — seated on mats surroundingthe pyre. The chanting resumed and the fire was lit.The Chinese monks and nuns, in flowing yellow robes,chanted in Chinese, then the Theravada monks in ocre,saffron and brown robes, chanted in Pali. All the while,the maroon-robed Tibetan monastics sat and chantedin Tibetan. I was in awe; how incredible to have somany monastics from various traditions participate inthe funeral of a foreigner they didn’t even know! I hada strong sense of the unity and deep harmony of thesangha as everyone spontaneously joined in to help.As we walked away from the pyre, her sister said tome, “This is like a dream. In the West, funerals are soawful. You have to deal with so many parties to arrangeit, in addition to their difficult emotional reactions.

Dealing With Life’s Issues 101But over here, it was effortless and so many peoplehelped.” Venerable Dronma’s death and her funeralmade all who were present uplifted and inspired. Noone was sobbing with grief. No one argued over herfuneral arrangements. No one felt drowned in misery.Instead everyone was inspired — by the Dharma andby this nun’s unassuming practice. She must have madestrong prayers not only for her life to be meaningful,but also for her death to be beneficial for others. Almosteveryone at her funeral was praying, “If only I coulddie like that!” The seeds of virtue that she had sownin her mindstream and her strong aspiration to benefitothers ripened naturally, bringing great benefit, evenin her death.aHow does the grieving process work when welose someone with whom we were in a painful orcomplicated relationship?Recognise that the person acted in harmful waysbecause he or she was confused, unhappy and miserable.The person didn’t know how to create happiness, andso the actions he or she did in an attempt to relievehis or her suffering caused more suffering instead ofbringing happiness. That person was not an evil personwho was trying to harm us but that he or she wassimply overwhelmed by his or her own confusion and

102 Dharma and Terminal Illnesspain. In the same way, we, too, are caught in the cycleof existence under the influence of ignorance, angerand attachment, wanting happiness and not knowingthe causes of happiness or being mistaken about thecauses of happiness.We, too, have acted in ways that at the timewe thought were good, but years later we see weremistaken. Knowing this from our own experience, wecan understand the other person’s confusion. Whensomeone acts in an abusive way, we should distanceourselves from him. That doesn’t mean you haveto hate him. We can still have feelings of kindnessand compassion, but we don’t have to stay in anabusive situation. In this way, we forgive and generatecompassion to the person. Letting go of anger we havetowards others is important, whether that person isdead or alive.

Dealing With Life’s Issues 103DHARMA AND SUICIDEWhen my mind is overwhelmed with despair anddepression and the thought of ending my lifecomes into my mind, what can I do?Ask for help. All of us have experienced despair anddepression at one time or another. When these feelingslast a long time and we don’t yet have the skills to dealwith them, it is important to ask a friend, relative,doctor, counsellor, teacher, religious adviser or anothertrusted person for help. Sometimes when the depressionis extremely severe, medications help to uplift the mindenough so that the person can then engage in spiritualpractice and therapy.

104 Dharma and SuicideA young man once told me that when despairoverwhelms him, he would think of taking his life. Itoccurred to me that it wasn’t really that he wanted toend his life; he wanted to end his suffering. Everyonewants to end his or her suffering. That is a reasonablewish. The question is: Does ending our life end oursuffering?From a Buddhist viewpoint, our mindstreamcontinues after death. Thus ending our life stops thesuffering of this life, but it doesn’t stop our sufferingin general. We will be reborn. Another young man whohad experienced a great deal of abuse in his life toldme that while he had thought of suicide previously,once he learned about rebirth his suicidal ideas endedbecause he realised that ending his life would not bringabout what he really wanted — the end of his suffering.Instead, he realised that he must change the way hismind thinks in order to stop his suffering. He began tolearn and practise the Dharma in order to do that.Care and affection for others, or feelings of beingconnected with others are important elements in livinga peaceful life. Related to that is knowing and trustingthat there is something basically good and pure abouthuman beings, despite our suffering and disturbingemotions. We have special potential simply because wehave a mind/heart, and our life is not one condemnedto alienation, self-hatred, guilt and resentment. InBuddhism, we call this potential “Buddha nature”— the clear and knowing nature of our mind/heart that

Dealing With Life’s Issues 105is the foundation upon which we can develop amazingqualities such as impartial love and compassion forall living beings and wisdom that knows the ultimatereality of all existence. These two — the feeling ofconnection with others that leads to compassion andthe awareness of our inner goodness or “potential forenlightenment” — are related to suicide and healingafter the suicide of a dear one.Let’s investigate how they are related to suicide itself.Suicide often stems from depression. While depressionmay be due to chemical imbalance or interfering forcesin some cases, generally certain prominent thoughtsransack the mind, provoking some people to considersuicide as a way to alleviate their misery. These arethoughts such as, “My life is useless,” “There is nohope for happiness in my life,” and “I am not worthyenough to live.”On what grounds does the thought “My life isuseless” arise? It is based on feeling disconnected withothers or with our shared environment. We can seethat while such a thought may exist, its contents areunrealistic for, in fact, we are deeply connected withand related to all living beings. We depend on oneanother throughout our lives.How can we oppose this unrealistic view? TheBuddha laid out a series of meditations designed todevelop love and compassion. Just telling ourselves tofeel loving, loved or connected does not work. We haveto actively train our mind/heart to look at life from

106 Dharma and Suicidea different perspective. When this is done, positiveemotions will naturally arise.The foundation of this training is recognisingthat we and others are equal in wanting happinessand wishing to avoid suffering. We contemplate thisdeeply and repeatedly, not just saying the words at anintellectual level, but also bringing them into our heart.In this way, we train our mind/heart so that everytime we see any living being — no matter who theyare, whether we like them or not — our spontaneousawareness is “This living being is exactly like me.The most important thing for him or her is to havehappiness and avoid suffering. Recognising this, Iunderstand something very important and intimateabout others. We are indeed deeply interconnected.”Although we may have never met that personbefore, we know that this is his or her deepest wish.Even animals and insects have happiness and theeradication of misery as the most important purposesof their lives. By continually training our mind to seeeveryone in this way, we will no longer feel alienated.Instead, we will feel and know that we are a part ofthis interconnected body of living beings. We belong,we understand others and they can understand us.Our actions affect them; we are not isolated, walled-inunits, but part of the seamless stream of living beingsthroughout this universe. Our problems are not uniqueand hopeless. We can reach out to help other beingsand contribute to their happiness, even in small ways

Dealing With Life’s Issues 107that become deeply meaningful. In addition, we allowourselves to receive others’ affection and aid. Our lifehas a purpose.Not only do our lives have meaning, but also wedeserve to live. We are worthy living beings. Why?Because our basic nature is pure and has unlimitedpotential for the development of magnificent qualities.Although disturbing emotions arise in our mind fromtime to time, they are not us. They are mental events,things that arise, pass though and leave our minds.We are not our thoughts and feelings. They are notus. When we sit in meditation and are mindful ofour thoughts and feelings, this becomes quite evident.Underneath them is the basic, clear and knowing natureof our mind/heart which is free from all thoughts andemotions. On a deeper level, our nature is like thepure and clear, open sky. Clouds may pass through thesky but the sky and the clouds are not the same. Evenwhen the clouds are present, the pure and open sky stillexists; it can never be destroyed. Similarly, the natureof our mind is not inherently defiled; the disturbingattitudes and emotions are adventitious.Disturbing emotions and thoughts are not onlytransient; they are also distorted. They are neitheraccurate views of what is happening nor beneficialresponses to it. Instead of believing everything we thinkand feel, let’s investigate our thoughts and feelings todiscern if they are accurate and beneficial. Should wediscover they aren’t, we apply antidotes by training

108 Dharma and Suicideour mind to view situations in a different way, onethat is more realistic and beneficial. As we do this, wediscover that our view on life changes, we discover ourinner goodness. We are worthwhile and have been soall along, only now we see this.aHow can I cultivate compassion and confidence ingoodness while healing from the pain of losing aloved one to suicide?Let’s look at how the qualities mentioned earlier— interconnection, compassion and potential forenlightenment — relate to those healing from suicide.First, compassion for ourselves and for the one whocommitted suicide is called for. It is easy for our egomindto feel guilty and blame ourselves for another’ssuicide. It is easy for the ego-mind to be angry at thesuicidal person for taking his or her life and causingus to suffer. It is easy for the ego-mind to sink intogrief of losing a loved one and immerse ourselves inself-pity. But these emotions are like clouds in the skyof the spacious purity of our mind/heart. They are notus, we are not them. They arise and pass through ourminds. We don’t need to grasp onto them or to fightthem. Imbuing them with a reality that they lack isnot beneficial.

Dealing With Life’s Issues 109This is especially true with guilt and self-blame.Thinking, “if only I had done xyz, my loved one wouldnot have committed suicide” is not realistic. The otherperson chose to end his life. We cannot control his mindand his choices. We can influence people but we cannotcontrol them. We may try to influence them in onedirection, but their mind chooses to go in another.The disturbing emotions of guilt, anger, resentment,self-pity and so on are functions of our self-preoccupiedattitude. This self-centredness or ego-mind has kept ustrapped in misery from time without beginning. Notonly is self-centredness not beneficial for our own andothers’ happiness, it is also not realistic. There areinfinite living beings in the universe so our happinessand misery are not all that exists. Our suffering is notthe only suffering. Let’s place our own pain within theperspective of all the varied experiences that livingbeings have at this moment.That doesn’t mean we are bad if we temporarilyget stuck in disturbing emotions. Let’s not add anotherlayer of delusion on top of what we are already feelingby telling ourselves that we are selfish and wrong forbeing depressed or self-preoccupied. Rather, sincethose are unrealistic and unbeneficial feelings, let’s askourselves, “What are the more realistic and suitableones? How do I cultivate them?”Here is where compassion for ourselves comes in.Compassion is not self-pity. Rather, it is acknowledgingour pain and confusion, wishing for ourselves to be

110 Dharma and Suicidefree from them, and then letting go of them. Withcompassion for ourselves, we can move on and reinvigorateour life.What do we move on to? What do we consciouslycultivate? A heart that cares about others. The feelingof connection and compassion we have for the dear onewho committed suicide is for one living being. Thereare infinite living beings throughout the universe. Whatwould happen if we were to tear down the walls ofclinging to one person and open our hearts to loving allbeings simply because they exist? We can share the lovewe have for one person with many others, increasingour capacity to give and receive love while we do so.Many of those who have survived the death of aloved one due to suicide have used compassion forothers to help themselves heal. Immediately afterthe suicide, the loss is fresh, and grieving — theprocess of adapting to new circumstances — is justbeginning. Some of you may not yet be ready to stepinto far-reaching compassion. But trust yourself thatyou will reach the point where you can transform yourexperience in such a way that activates you to reachout and help others.Your mind may have the tendency to get stuck inself-centred patterns of thinking, replaying an eventrepeatedly in your mind. Remember that your dear onedied once and it was over. But each time you replaythe mental video entitled “what if…” or “how couldhe have?” you experience the trauma again. Learn to

Dealing With Life’s Issues 111catch yourself when you start to replay these mentalvideos. Push the mental “stop” button and come backto the present moment. Enjoy this moment because itis what exists right now.It is important to place your grief in context. Everyone of us has experienced unbelievable pain. That doesnot discount our individual suffering, but it places it inthe context of the big picture. That big picture is thatpain and grief exist and they have no owner. We don’thave a monopoly on it; no individual has a monopolyon pain. We are all the same in wanting happiness andwishing to be free from suffering. Feel that sameness;know that you share the same wish with all other livingbeings. Feel compassion for all those who experiencemisery like you. Send them your love, care, compassionand understanding.Your relationship with the one who committedsuicide is not the only relationship in your life. Youhave a full life and there is goodness in your heart toshare with others. Avoid getting stuck in a narrow wayof thinking that focuses only on this one person. Also,when thinking about your dear one, remember that heor she had a full life too. That person’s entire life wasnot misery, and the meaning and value of his or her lifeis not defined by how he or she died. Let the fullnessof that person’s life and your life fill your heart.a

112 Dharma and SuicideWhat is the role of meditation in developing thesenew perspectives for healing after suicide?Meditation can be very helpful. First, we must learnthe methods for developing love, compassion, wisdomand so on. Then we contemplate them, applying them toour lives. Meditation gives us quiet time with ourselvesto familiarise ourselves with these beneficial viewpointsand techniques.Many forms of meditation exist. One, among theseis mindfulness meditation. Here, we may focus on ourbreath, physical sensations, feelings, mind or thoughtsand simply observe them, letting them arise and passaway without clinging onto them. By doing this, wecome to see these as simply events, nothing permanentor static to be attached to or hold onto. Our mindrelaxes. We also begin to see that these mental andphysical events are not us; we see that there is no solid“I” or “mine” to control or possess all these events.This releases the stress in our minds.A second type of meditation is the “analytic” or“checking” meditation. Here, a genre of teachingsentitled “mind training” or “thought transformation”is very effective. The thought transformation teachingsinstruct us how to actively develop a feeling of connectionequally for all living beings. They show the method tocultivate love, compassion, joy and equanimity. Theyalso teach us the useful skill of transforming adversecircumstances into the path to enlightenment.Let me recommend a few books on this topic:

Dealing With Life’s Issues 113Transforming Adversity into Joy and Courage by GesheJampa Tegchok, Advice from a Spiritual Friend by GesheNgawang Dhargye and Geshe Rabten, Mind Traininglike Rays of the Sun by Nam-kha Pel, Mindfulness inPlain English Bhante Gunaratana, and the Miracle ofMindfulness by Thich Nhat Hanh. You may also want toattend talks given by qualified Buddhist teachers.aWhat kind of meditation can someone who haslost a loved one to suicide do? Can a person fromother religions do the meditation?Buddhism is a philosophy of life, a way of living inan ethical and compassionate manner. Many of theBuddha’s teachings are simply common sense and canbe applied by anyone, no matter what religion he orshe follows. The following is a guided meditation forsomeone who has lost a loved one to suicide.Each paragraph is a step in the meditation, anindividual point to contemplate. Read a step and thenstop and contemplate it. Look at things from thatperspective. Let the feeling described in that step fillyour heart. When you are ready, go on to the nextstep.1. Imagine your loved one when he or she washealthy and active. Look at your dear one fondly

114 Dharma and Suicideand think, “I’m so glad that we were able toshare life together for as long as we did. I’m soglad that you were part of my life.” Rejoice thatyou knew that person.2. In your mind, say to your loved one, “Everythingin life changes — things begin and they endand something new happens after that. We andeverything around us are in constant flux. Iknow we can’t be together always. Even thoughour separation happened sooner than I wouldhave liked or expected, I’m so glad we knew eachother.” While appreciating that you knew thatperson, let yourself accept that change occurs.3. You and your dear one loved each other. Nomatter whether your relationship with your dearone was usually peaceful or often contentious,the underlying feeling is one of love, of wishingeach other well. Bring that feeling into yourheart and know that no matter what pain eitherof you may have felt at various times; no matterhow confused your loved one might have been;no matter what he or she may have done due tohis or her confusion and pain, the basis of yourrelationship was love and wishing each otherwell. Nothing can change that. Feel that love.4. Based on that affection, forgive the person foranything hurtful he or she may have said or doneduring the whole duration of your relationshipwith him or her. Forgive yourself for anything

Dealing With Life’s Issues 115hurtful you may have said or done towards himor her during the time you knew each other. Letgo of all conflicted or tumultuous feelings. Letyour mind be peaceful.5. Say to the person, “Although I can’t imaginethe suffering that made you take your life, Iknow that suffering and confusion are not youressence. I know that grief and feelings of guiltare not my essence. May we and all beings havehappiness and its causes. May we and all beingsbe free from suffering and its causes.”6. Look at the person again, with love, and bidhim or her farewell, at least for this life. Think,“Wherever you are now, I wish you well. I wantyou to be happy and to be free from suffering.You have a different experience now, and so doI. So as we both go on, I wish you well. My loveis with you.”7. Feel the love and compassion in your heart andknow that it is not limited to one or even ahandful of individuals. Love is not somethingof limited quantity. So take that love andcompassion in your heart and share it with theworld. Be kind to anyone who is in front of you atany particular moment, for at that moment thatperson is the embodiment and representative ofall beings for you.

116 Dharma and SuicideWhat is your view on seeing suicide as anhonourable action?Thinking that suicide is the only honourable exitto save the family name is a mistaken thought. Somecultures may hold this view, but according to theBuddha, taking one’s own life is a tragic action doneout of ignorance. It benefits neither one’s family noroneself.aWhat happens to people who commit suicide?Where do they go?We cannot make general statements about thesetopics because we do not know for sure the state of eachindividual’s mind at the time of death or the karma heor she has created in the past. Many people who commitsuicide are in a great deal of emotional pain, and anangry or depressed mental state can be a fertile fieldfor the ripening of previously created negative karmawhich bring unpleasant results.From a Buddhist perspective, people are notpunished or rewarded for their actions. The idea ofpunishment and reward presupposes the existenceof a supreme being who is punishing and rewardingothers. Buddhists do not accept the existence of sucha being who determines sentient beings’ fate. Instead,the Buddha taught that our mind is the creator of

Dealing With Life’s Issues 117our experiences. That is, we experience the result ofour own physical, verbal and mental actions. Actionsmotivated by kindness and other constructive mentalstates bring happiness; actions motivated by clingingattachment, anger and other disturbing emotions bringsuffering.While suicide is not a complete action of killing,it is a form of taking life. As a destructive action, itplants a seed in the person’s mindstream to experiencefuture suffering. Although the person who committedsuicide is seeking relief from suffering, the action ofsuicide itself coupled with the person’s mental state atthe time of death are often not conducive for ceasingsuffering. That is, while the suffering of this life ends,not all suffering ends.For that reason, suicide is considered a great tragedy.Everyone has the Buddha potential — the innatepotential to become a fully enlightened being. Whilethis potential does not end at death, a human life isan excellent opportunity for making good use of ourBuddha potential. As human beings, we can understandthe Buddha’s teachings and put them into practice. Bydoing so, it is possible to eliminate all suffering and itscauses — ignorance, mental afflictions and karma — sothat all rebirth in cyclic existence ceases. Furthermore,it is possible to develop remarkable qualities such asimpartial love, compassion and wisdom — qualitiesthrough which we can contribute to the well-being ofothers, qualities that create the causes for happiness

118 Dharma and Suicidefor ourselves and others, now and in the future. Thus,when someone’s mind is so painful or confused thathe or she seeks to end this precious opportunity forspiritual cultivation, it is a great sorrow.However, if people are unable to see their potentialand the value of their lives, and if they are in greatemotional turmoil or physical pain, they may see suicideas relieving their anguish. They made this choice.Others are not responsible for the suicide of their dearones; there is no reason to feel guilty.In terms of where people go after death, as there isno solid, inherently existing person who lives, so thereis no inherently existent person who dies and is reborn.The Buddha taught no-self; that is, there is not a soulor findable essence that is immutably or inherentlya person. Don’t think of your dear one who has diedas someone with the same personality, memory andso on, only that now you cannot see her. While thecontinuity of the mental consciousness takes rebirth,that mental consciousness changes moment by moment;it is not the person. According to causes and conditions— including previous karma — the ever-changingmental consciousness is attracted to a new rebirth.Once reborn, there is a new person — the person ofthe new life — who exists by being merely labelled independence on the body and mind of the new life.a

Dealing With Life’s Issues 119Which karmic seeds ripen at the time of death?According to causes and conditions, karmic seedsripen at any specific moment. The karmic seed thatripens at the time of death is not predetermined. Somepeople think that at the time of death, all the karmais weighed up and the new rebirth is a result of thesum total of karma. That is not correct. Our mind islike a field and the karmic seeds are like the seeds ofvarious types of plants which have been scattered in it.Depending on which area of the field receives fertiliser,water and sunshine, certain seeds will ripen. The othersremain in the field until such a time when they receivewater, fertiliser and sunlight.Within our beginningless lifetimes, we have createdmany different actions, so in our mind there are seedsthat will ripen in happiness and seeds that will ripenin suffering. Within one day, we do so many differentphysical, verbal and mental actions and thus plant avariety of different seeds in our mind. Similarly, eachday we experience so many different events and feelings— some pleasant or desirable, others not. Each day we areexperiencing the results of many different karmic seeds.At the time of death, the Indian sage, Vasubandhusaid that the order of the ripening of karma that willpropel a new rebirth is as follows:Actions cause fruitionIn cyclic existence — first the heavy,Then the proximate, then the accustomed,Then what was done before

120 Dharma and SuicideThe first kind of seeds that are likely to ripen atdeath are from powerful actions. If we have done avery powerful action, even once, these will ripen first.Extremely heavy destructive actions are for example:killing our father, mother or an arhat, causing a schismin the Sangha community and injuring a Buddha.Other heavy karma includes those created by engagingin the ten non-virtues — killing, stealing, unwise sexualconduct, lying, disharmonious speech, harsh speech,idle talk, covetousness, maliciousness and distortedviews — with a strong intention and with all thebranches of the action complete — preparation, actionand conclusion. Very heavy constructive actions mayalso ripen first. These are, for example, the ten virtues*,which are opposite of the ten non-virtues. Actions donewith strong love, compassion and altruism, as well asvirtuous actions done in relationship to the Triple Gemare also heavy.If some karmic seeds are equal in weight, the seedsof actions done most recently will ripen. Habitual actionsare the next to ripen. We are creatures of habit, andby doing a seemingly insignificant action repeatedly,the karma becomes strong. For example, frequently* The ten virtues are protecting life, widespread giving, maintainingethics, speaking truthfully, speaking harmoniously by mediating amongdivided groups, speaking lovingly, peacefully and meaning fully,cultivating admiration, satisfaction and contentment, becoming helpful,loving and compassionate and cultivating correct views.

Dealing With Life’s Issues 121telling “little lies” leaves strong karmic seeds on themindstream over time. Bowing and making offeringsto the Three Jewels of Refuge each morning becomestrong virtuous karma over time.The thoughts we have while we are dying alsoinfluence which of our karma ripens first. This appliestoo while we are alive. When our minds are calmand peaceful, we generally find ourselves in bettercircumstances than when our minds are upset andangry. Our behaviour also influences what karmaripens. For instance, getting intoxicated makes it mucheasier for destructive karma to ripen in the form ofaccidents and so forth.If clinging and attachment (not wanting to leavethis life, clinging to relatives, clinging to the body)fill the mind while a person is dying, or if the mindis filled with anger (anger at dying, resentment forthings that happened years ago) at the time of death,it is easier for the seeds of destructive karma to ripen.However, if a dying person takes refuge in the ThreeJewels, remembers his or her spiritual mentor, generatesbodhicitta, or gives his or her possessions away ingenuine charity, it is more likely that constructivekarmic seeds ripen during the time of the person’sdeath.a

122 Dharma and SuicideNOTES FROM THE EDITORThoughts about dying and putting an early end tolife are not uncommon and occur to many. You mayhave had morbid thoughts about dying and ending yourown life, or perhaps you know someone who does.Depression Could Be The Cause.Clinical depression — a serious medical illnesslinked to changes in the biochemistry of the brain — isbelieved to contribute to at least half of all suicides. Itaffects the way a person feels about himself and howhe thinks about things. Characterised by overwhelmingfeelings of sadness lasting for more than two weeks,clinical depression is very different from a temporarycase of “the blues” triggered by an unhappy event.Depression is often accompanied by a loss of interestin life, feelings of hopelessness and helplessness, andcan be triggered in somebody who is going throughstressful or traumatic life events, or who is terminallyill. Such distressing feelings generally require theattention of a healthcare professional and treatmentwith medications. If you or someone you love needshelp, you can call:• Shan You Counselling Centre at 6741 9293• The SBL Vision Family Service Centre at 6544 2263• Hearty Care Centre at 6295 4622 and 629 4749• Whispering Hearts Family Service Centre at6795 1008

Dealing With Life’s Issues 123• Samaritans of Singapore’s 24-hour suicide preventionhelpline at 1800-221-4444aDeath Doesn’t End the Suffering.People who contemplate committing suicide maythink that suicide is the only way that can take away thepain and end their suffering. But in Buddhism, deathis only the beginning of another cycle of rebirth where,again there are problems. In addition, suicide causespain and suffering for others and yourself. Accordingto the Buddhist teaching of the Four Noble Truths, lifelived under the control of ignorance and karma is fullof dissatisfactions. The Buddha taught that the end tosuffering and to unsatisfactory conditions is possible byfollowing the Noble Eightfold Path.The Buddha also taught us to realise the impermanenceand insubstantiality of both life and death. Everythingchanges constantly. Nothing stays the same. Rain mightcome after sunshine, but so does sunshine come afterrain. In the realisation that people (their personalities,interests and attitudes) and life situations are not fixedand are constantly changing, it becomes possible toapproach each moment with an open mind. One isthen able to act and adapt to new situations withoutclinging to outdated and deleterious conceptions.We can live more in the present without hanging

124 Dharma and Suicideon to the past or worrying about the future since eachphenomenon arises depending on causes and conditions.Similarly, everything passes away and becomessomething new in each moment. In Buddhism, themind/heart is also seen as the root of all good and allevil, the cause of both suffering and True Happiness.The Buddha taught the mind/heart is the primaryfactor that determines the well-being of each person.Through meditation and counselling, the perception ofreality for those with persistent negative thinking canbe adjusted. This will enable them to better cope withthe unexpected changes of life.aBuddhism’s Perspective to Suicide“If one knows how to treasure oneself, one should protectoneself well.”~ The Buddha (Dhammapada)

Dealing With Life’s Issues 125“According to the Buddhist teaching of cause and effect, sinceone does not realise the truth of all phenomena, or does notpractise to be liberated from life and death, suicide is pointless.When one’s karmic retribution is not exhausted, death by suicideonly leads to another cycle of rebirth. This is why Buddhists donot support suicide; and instead, encourage constructive living,using this life to diligently practise good, thus changing thepresent and the future for the better.”~ Chan Master Sheng Yen“Some people commit suicide; they seem to think that thereis suffering simply because there is the human life, and thatby cutting off the life there will be nothing... But, according tothe Buddhist viewpoint, that’s not the case; your consciousnesswill continue. Even if you take your own life, this life, youwill have to take another body that again will be the basis ofsuffering. If you really want to get rid of all your suffering, allthe difficulties you experience in your life, you have to get ridof the fundamental cause (greed, hatred and delusion) that givesrise to the aggregates that are the basis of all suffering. Killingyourself isn’t going to solve your problems.”~ His Holiness the 14th Dalai Lama“Taking one’s own life under any circumstances is morallyand spiritually wrong. Taking one’s own life owing to frustrationor disappointment only causes greater suffering. Suicide is acowardly way to end one’s problems of life. A person cannotcommit suicide if his mind is pure and tranquil. If one leaves thisworld with a confused and frustrated mind, it is most unlikely

126 Dharma and Suicidethat he would be born again in a better condition. Suicide isan unwholesome or unskilful act since it is encouraged by amind filled with greed, hatred and delusion. Those who commitsuicide have not learnt how to face their problems, how to facethe facts of life, and how to use their mind in a proper manner.Such people have not been able to understand the nature of lifeand worldly conditions.”~ Venerable K. Sri Dhammananda“This human body and life is difficult to attain but is nowattained. The Buddha’s teachings are difficult to encounter butare now encountered. If we do not use this precious body to helpourselves, till when shall we wait to save ourselves?”~ Buddhist Saying

Dealing With Life’s Issues 127DHARMA AND THE PRISON:MAKING FRIENDS WITHOURSELVESOpening MeditationBegin by being aware of sitting here in this room, onthe cushion. Be aware that you are sharing the spacewith other people who support your spiritual interests,and give your support to them as well. (pause)Be aware of the sensations in your feet and legs. Ifthere is any tension there, let it relax. (pause)Be aware of the sensations in your back, shoulders,chest and arms. Some people store their tension in theirshoulders. If you are one of them, it is helpful to liftyour shoulders up towards your ears, tuck your chin ina little bit and let your shoulders drop forcefully. You

128 Dharma and the Prison: Making Friends with Ourselvescan do that a couple of times to relax your shoulders.(pause)Be aware of the sensations in your neck, jaw andface. Some people clench their jaw tensely. If you areone of them, let your jaw relax. Make sure all yourfacial muscles are relaxed as well. (pause)Be aware that the position of your body is firm, butalso at ease. Being firm and stable can go hand-in-handwith being relaxed. Similarly, your mind can be stableand firm without being tense. It can be relaxed withoutbeing careless. (pause)This is how we prepare the body. Now let’s preparethe mind. We do this by cultivating our motivation.Begin by asking yourself, “What was my motivation forcoming here this evening?” There is no right or wronganswer, just be inquisitive. “What was my motivationfor coming? Why did I come here?” (pause)Now whatever your initial motivation was, let’s buildon it and make it an expansive motivation. Think,“Through meditating and listening to the Dharma,may I be better able to serve and benefit others. Maythe action I am about to do lead to my own and others’liberation from suffering and our enlightenment.”Generate the mind of loving compassion thatwants to practise the Dharma and that seeks fullenlightenment. We do this for our own benefit as wellas for the benefit of each and every sentient being. Thisis the motivation we want to generate. (pause)Now turn your focus to your breath. Breathe

Dealing With Life’s Issues 129normally and naturally. Be aware of each inhalationand exhalation. Observe what is happening in yourbody and mind as you breathe. You may want to placeyour attention at your upper lip and nostrils, beingaware of the sensation of the air as it goes in and out.Or, you may find it easier to concentrate if you focuson your belly and observe its rising and falling as youbreathe. Or, you could place your mindfulness on thebreath going in and out of your body in general. Inany case, choose one of the above and stay with itthroughout the entire meditation.Periodically, with introspection “spy” on your mind.Check if you are still mindful of the breath or ifyour mind has become distracted or dull. If you aredistracted by a sensation, thought or sound, recognisethat and bring your mindfulness back to the breath. Ifyour mind is becoming dull, check your position: makesure your back is straight and your head level. Keepyour eyes a wee bit open, gazing downwards. They arenot looking at anything, but light is entering and thathelps prevent drowsiness. By staying mindful of oneobject, in this case the breath, let your mind settledown and become peaceful.While you are breathing, allow yourself to be contentsitting here and breathing. What you are doing is goodenough. Be satisfied with what is happening now: youare sitting in a safe place, breathing. How wonderfulthat is! We will sit in silence now for a while, beingmindful of our breath. (pause, then bell)

130 Dharma and the Prison: Making Friends with OurselvesBecoming Friends with OurselvesWe began the meditation by cultivating a goodmotivation. This is an important part of Buddhistpractice. Being aware of our motivation increases ourknowledge about ourselves. Consciously cultivating amotivation of love, compassion and altruism towardsothers helps us to become friends with ourselves. Inaddition, the karmic seeds we create by our actions arelargely based on our motivation. These karmic seedsinfluence what we will experience in the future.We have to look at our mind and examine ourmotivations. What are we feeling? What are wethinking? What is going on inside of us? Our mindgenerates an intention. Then, due to this motivation,we speak or do physical actions. Except for bodilyreflexes, we don’t speak or act without the mind firsthaving an intention. So we have to watch what ourmind is thinking and feeling because our thoughts andfeelings motivate our speech and actions. We know thatwhat we say and do influence how others act towardsus and what we experience in our lives. Since we allwant happiness and not suffering, it is to our benefitto speak and act carefully. To do that well, we have tobe aware of what is happening in our mind.When I first encountered the Dharma, one of thethings that really appealed to me was the Buddha’semphasis on being aware of my motivations. This putme squarely in front of myself. I couldn’t wiggle out bytrying to look good outside. We can try to look good

Dealing With Life’s Issues 131all we want, we can try to impress other people, butgetting them to think well of us doesn’t mean we arecreating virtuous karma. Manipulating people so thatthey will do something for us doesn’t mean we areputting good energy into our mindstream. It’s quitethe contrary: a motivation in which we are looking outonly for our own immediate pleasure puts destructivekarmic seeds into our mindstream.Our motivations and our intentions are what leavekarmic seeds on our mindstream. The long-term effectsof our actions are not determined by what other peoplethink about us, not what they say about us, not whetherwe are praised or blamed. What is going on in ourown heart and mind is what determines the type ofkarmic seeds that are placed on our mindstream. Andthese karmic seeds are what create our experiences ofhappiness and suffering in life.Let me give an example that illustrates theimportance of our internal motivation, not how weappear to others. Imagine that a welfare societywants to build a clinic in a poor neighbourhood andis seeking donations for this purpose. A really richperson gives a million dollars. The thought in thisperson’s mind when he donated the money is, “Whenthe clinic is completed, there will be a plaque with myname in the foyer. Other people will know that I’m thechief benefactor of the clinic.” That is his motivation.Another person, who doesn’t have much money, givesten dollars. But her motivation is, “It’s fantastic that

132 Dharma and the Prison: Making Friends with Ourselvesthere will be a clinic here. May everyone who comes tothis clinic be instantly cured of all their diseases andailments. May all their injuries heal quickly. May theyabide in happiness.”In this scenario. there is one person giving a milliondollars with one motivation and another person givingten dollars with a different motivation. In generalsociety, who do we say is the generous person? Theone who gives a million dollars. That person gets somuch credit and everyone goes, “Look at him. He isso generous and kind.” Others make a big deal out ofhim and completely ignore the person who gives tendollars.But when we examine the motivations of the donors,who is the generous one? It is the one who gave tendollars. Was the person who gave a million dollarsgenerous? From the point of view of his motivation,was there any generosity? No, he was doing it for thebenefit of his own ego. He did it to gain status in thecommunity. He came out looking good in people’s eyes,and others thought he was generous. But in terms ofthe karma he created, it was not a generous action.Meanwhile, the person who did not receive others’acclaim is the generous person.In Dharma practice we have to face ourselveshonestly. Dharma is like a mirror and we use it tolook at ourselves. What’s going in my mind? What’smy intention? What are my motivations? This kind ofinvestigation into the workings of our own mind and

Dealing With Life’s Issues 133heart produces real change in us. This brings aboutactual mental purification. Being a spiritual person isnot about doing things that look spiritual; it is aboutactually transforming our mind.Most of the time, we are totally unaware of ourmotivations. People live on auto-pilot. They get up inthe morning, eat breakfast, go to work, have lunch, worksome more in the afternoon, have dinner, read a book,watch TV, talk with friends and collapse into bed. Anentire day is gone! What was the motivation underlyingall of their actions? They have such incredible potential,human intelligence and a precious human rebirth. Butwhat was their motivation for everything they did?They surely had motivations, but they weren’t awareof them. When they went to take their breakfast, theirmotivation was probably, “I’m hungry. I want to eatsomething that tastes good.” Then they ate with thatmotivation.When we wake up in the morning, what is ourmotivation for living that day? What is the thoughtthat gets us out of bed in the morning? We wake upand what are our first thoughts? What are we seekingin life when we wake up?Many times we just roll over and complain, “Ugh,that alarm again! I want to stay in bed.” Then wethink, “Coffee, oh coffee, that sounds good, somepleasure. I’ll get out of bed for coffee. Breakfast willfollow and that will give me pleasure so I’ll get outof bed.” Many of our motivations involve seeking

134 Dharma and the Prison: Making Friends with Ourselvespleasure. We seek an external object, situation, orperson to make us feel good ASAP. If somebody getsin our way when we are trying to get pleasure, we getmad and take it out on them, “You’re interfering withmy pleasure! You’re preventing me from getting whatI want! How dare you!!” Ill-will and malice arise inour mind and these thoughts place destructive karmicseeds on our mindstream. These thoughts motivate usto speak harshly or behave aggressively, which createsdestructive karma. As the ones who create the karma,we are the ones who experience the results of our ownactions.We wake up in the morning and straight away seekour own immediate pleasure. Is that the meaning orpurpose of human life? It doesn’t seem very meaningful,does it? We just seek pleasure, help our friends andharm our enemies. If people give us pleasure theyare our friends; if people get in our way they are ourenemies. This seems natural, but is it reasonable?Is helping our friends and harming our enemies thepurpose of our lives?Dogs also help their friends and harm their enemies.If you give a dog a biscuit, he considers you his friendfor life. You give that dog a little bit of pleasure andnow he loves you. But if you take the dog’s food awayfrom him, he will consider you an enemy because youare depriving him of pleasure.The mind grasps onto pleasure. It gets upset whensomeone interferes with its anticipated pleasure. Our

Dealing With Life’s Issues 135slogan is “I want what I want when I want it!” and weexpect the world to co-operate with us. We make friendsand help them because they do things that benefit us.We get upset when people do things we don’t like; wecall them names and want to harm them. This is howmost people live.From the Buddhist point of view, we have a muchgreater human potential than just seeking pleasure andbeing mad at the people who interfere with that. Justlooking out for our own immediate welfare is not themeaning or purpose of life.Since all these pleasures end very quickly, what isthe use of greedily chasing after them or of retaliatingif someone gets in our way? How long does the pleasureof eating breakfast last? It depends on if you are a fasteater or a slow eater, but either way it doesn’t last longerthan half an hour and then it is over.We run around struggling for pleasure, but thepleasure doesn’t last very long. We work so hard in ourattempt to have a feel-good experience, and we retaliateagainst those people who obstruct our pleasurableexperiences. But these experiences last a very shorttime. Meanwhile, the motivations that propel our selfcentredactions leave destructive karmic imprints in ourmind. When we operate under the influence of jealousy,hostility and resentment, having destructive karmicseeds on our mindstream is the result. These seedsinfluence what we experience in the future. These seedsripen and determine the situations we encounter and

136 Dharma and the Prison: Making Friends with Ourselveswhether we will be happy or miserable. Sometimes, theseeds ripen in this life, other times in future lives. Butunless we purify destructive seeds, they will definitelyripen and give rise to unhappiness and pain.It is ironic that even though we want happiness, wecreate the causes for unhappiness when our actions aremotivated by the self-centred thought, “My happinessnow is the most important thing in the world.”Whenever we act with a selfish or greedy mind, weare putting that energy into our consciousness. Is theselfish, greedy mind relaxed and peaceful? Or is it tightand clinging? Besides affecting our future experiencesby leaving karmic seeds, just contemplate how theseemotions make us feel right now? Examine your ownexperience: are you happy when anger or craving wellsup in your mind?The Buddha said that we have incredible humanpotential. That Buddha potential allows us to becomefully enlightened beings. Enlightened beings may seemvery abstract to you. What does it mean to be a fullyenlightened being?One of the qualities of a fully enlightened beingor Buddha is that anger and the seeds of angerand resentment have been totally eliminated fromthe mindstream in such a way that they can neverreappear. What would it feel like not to have even thepotential for anger or hatred in your mind? Can youeven imagine what that would feel like? Think aboutit: No matter what somebody says to you, no matter

Dealing With Life’s Issues 137what somebody does to you, your mind is peaceful. Youcalmly accept what is happening and have compassionfor the other person. You don’t feel beaten down ordisrespected and maintain your self-confidence nomatter how others treat you. There is no possibility atall for anger, hatred or resentment to arise in you.Thinking about the possibility of never getting angryagain inspires me. Anger is a big problem with a lotof people. Wouldn’t it be wonderful never to get angryagain? This happens not by stuffing the anger down— because repressing anger does not eliminate it. Theanger affects us in other ways and makes a mess inour life even if we try to stuff it down. Buddhas, onthe other hand, have eliminated the seeds of anger intheir minds, so they are genuinely free from it.Another quality of a Buddha is that a Buddha issatisfied with whatever there is. A Buddha doesn’thave greed, possessiveness, clinging, craving or anyother attachments. Imagine what it would be like tobe totally satisfied. It wouldn’t matter who you arewith or what’s going on, your mind wouldn’t crave formore and better. Your mind would be satisfied withwhat is in the moment. You would be able to enjoywhat is happening and whomever you are with at thispresent moment.How different that would be from our presentstate of mind! I don’t know about you, but my mind iscontinually saying, “I want more! I want better! I likethis. I don’t like that. Do it this way, and don’t do it that

138 Dharma and the Prison: Making Friends with Ourselvesway.” In other words, my mind loves to complain. Whata nuisance the dissatisfied, complaining mind is!When we think about a Buddha’s qualities, we get anidea of our potential — the possibility to be completelyfree from craving, dissatisfaction and hostility. We alsohave the potential to develop equal love and compassionfor every living being. This means that anytime youmeet anybody, your instant reaction would be one ofcloseness, affection and care for that person. Thinkabout that: wouldn’t it be great to have that as yourautomatic reaction to everyone? It would be so differentfrom how our out-of-control mind acts now. Now whenwe meet somebody, what is our first reaction? We think,“What can I get out of this person?” or “What are theygoing to try to get out of me?” There is so much fearand distrust in our reactions. These are only conceptualthoughts, but they sure create a lot of pain inside us.Don’t you find fear and distrust painful?What would it be like — even here in prison — tobe able to greet each person you meet with an openheart? What would it be like to have a heart that feelskindness and closeness instantly towards everyone?How wonderful it would be if you could see that nastyguard who you normally can’t stand and be peaceful!Wouldn’t it be great to be able to look into his heartand have a feeling of kindness and affection for him?We wouldn’t lose anything by doing that. Instead, wewould gain a lot of inner peace. Don’t immediatelytell yourself it is impossible. Instead, try being less

Dealing With Life’s Issues 139judgmental, try being more pleasant to others. Giveit a try and see what happens not only to your innersense of well-being but also to how others treat youin return.We have such incredible potential within us. We havethe ability to transform our mind into the mind of afully enlightened Buddha. Now that we have seen ourhuman potential, let’s live our lives in a meaningfulway. Do you see that just looking out for “my pleasureASAP” and getting “my way as much as possible” isa dead end? It is a waste of time, not because it’sbad, but because it doesn’t make much sense to putso much time and energy into things that bring solittle happiness. Instead we see we have great humanpotential for magnificent happiness that comes frompurifying our own mind and developing a kind heart.We prefer big happiness to small happiness, don’t we?We would prefer long-lasting happiness and peace toa quick fix that leaves us feeling empty afterwards,wouldn’t we? Then let’s have confidence in our potentialto follow the path and become enlightened beings, andlet’s act on that confidence by being more respectfuland kinder to others. Let’s develop that confidence bystudying the Buddha’s teachings and increasing ourwisdom.Right now our mind usually orientates externally.We believe that happiness and suffering come fromoutside of us. This is an ignorant state of mind. Weassume that happiness comes from outside so we

140 Dharma and the Prison: Making Friends with Ourselveswant this and we want that. We are always tryingto get something. One person wants a cigarette,another person wants cheesecake, but everybody wantssomething. Ultimately though, we are looking outsideof ourselves for happiness. We end up spending ourentire life mentally clinging to things that we thinkwill bring us pleasure. Some of us try to control theworld around us, to make everyone and everythingthe way we want it to be so that we can be happy. Buthas that ever worked? Has anyone ever succeeded atmaking the world and everyone in it conform to his ideaof how they should be? No, no one has ever succeededat controlling everything and everyone. But the realproblem is we can’t manage our own mind.We keep trying to make other people what we wantthem to be. After all, we know how they should be,don’t we? We have really good advice to offer all ofthem. We have a little advice for everyone else. Weknow exactly how our friends should improve so thatwe will be happy, how our parents should change, howour kids should change. We have advice for everyone!Sometimes we give them our wonderful and sagelyadvice, and what do they do? Nothing! They don’t listento us when we know the truth of how they should live,what they should do, and how they should change sothat the world would be different and we would behappy. When we give others our wonderful and wiseadvice about how they should live their lives, what dothey say to us? “Mind your own business,” and that’s if

Dealing With Life’s Issues 141they are being polite! When they are not being polite,well, you know what they say. Here we offer them ourwonderful advice and they just disregard it. Can youimagine this? Such stupid people!Of course when they give us their advice, do welisten? “Forget it. They don’t know what they aretalking about,” we think.The world view that believes happiness and sufferingcome from outside puts us in the situation of constantlytrying to rearrange everybody and everything to makeit the way we want it. We never succeed. Have we evermet anyone who has succeeded in making the worldthe way he or she wants it to be? Think of those youare jealous of — have they ever succeeded in makingthe world what they want it to be? Have they foundany kind of lasting happiness by getting everythingthey want? They haven’t, have they?Sometimes we look at others’ lives and think thatsomething is missing in our life. This arises from theview that happiness and suffering come from outside,which prompts us to try to control and rearrangeeverybody and everything. But what we are missing isinside. The real source of our happiness and sufferingis what is going on within us, not having “perfection”outside of us. Have you ever been in a beautiful placewith the right people and still feel totally miserable? Ithink most of us have had that experience at one timeor another. We finally find ourselves in a wonderfulsituation, but we are completely miserable. That is a

142 Dharma and the Prison: Making Friends with Ourselvesperfect example proving that happiness and sufferingdon’t come from the outside.As long as our mind has the seeds of clinging,ignorance and hostility, we are never going to find anykind of lasting happiness because these emotions willcontinue to arise and interfere with our happiness. Allwe have to do is look at our life and we can see that thishas always been the case. It doesn’t matter whether weare in prison or outside, this is what is going on insideus all. The real prison is the internal one of ignorance,clinging attachment and anger. Until we free ourselvesfrom that prison, we will be miserable. But when wefree ourselves of these disturbing emotions, we willbe able to be happy even if our body is trapped in asuper max prison!The Buddha said that happiness and sufferingdepend on the inside — on what is going on within yourown heart and mind. How you perceive the situation iswhat is going to determine whether you are happy ormiserable. For example, we have all had the experienceof going into a room full of strangers. Remember atime when you did that. Maybe your thoughts beforegoing into that room were, “Uh oh, there are so manypeople in there and I don’t know them. I don’t know ifI’m going to fit in. Maybe they won’t like me. Maybe Iwon’t like them. They’re probably judgmental. I bet theyall know one other and are friends with one other, andI’m going to be the only person whom nobody knows.They’re going to leave me out. It’s going to be horrible

Dealing With Life’s Issues 143in there.” If you think in this manner before you gointo that room full of strangers, what is your experiencegoing to be? It is going to be a self-fulfilling prophecy;you are going to feel left out, unhappy, judged. Theentire incident happens in the way it does because ofthe way you are thinking. Your mind hasn’t given othersthe chance to be kind to you because all it is seeing isyour own fearful projections.Now let’s say that before you go into that room fullof strangers you think, “Hmm, there are lots of peopleI don’t know. I bet they have had really interesting lifeexperiences and know about all things I’ve never heardof. They probably have a lot of interesting stories Icould learn from too. It’s going to be really interestingand enjoyable to meet these people. I get to ask themquestions about their interests, their lives, and whatthey know about. I’ll learn a lot, and it’ll be fun!” If yougo into that room full of strangers with that thought,what is your experience going to be? You are going tohave a great time. The situation hasn’t changed at all.The situation is exactly the same, but your experiencehas changed dramatically! All because of what you arethinking.When I was a teenager, I hated it when my mothertold me what to wear. Why? She was infringing on myindependence. “I am an independent person. I can makeup my own mind. I can do what I like. Don’t tell mewhat to do, thank you very much. I’m sixteen years oldand I know everything.” With such an attitude, I set

144 Dharma and the Prison: Making Friends with Ourselvesmyself up for conflict with my mum. Every time shesuggested I wear something, I would growl. It wasn’ta happy situation for either of us.Years later, when I became an adult, my parentswere having some friends over. At breakfast, in front ofmy sister and sister-in-law, my mother said to me, “Whydon’t you wear such-and-such when the company comesthis evening?” I said, “Okay.” My sister and sister-in-lawcame to me afterwards and said, “We can’t believe youwere so cool with what she said, and we can’t believethat she said that!” I replied, “Why not wear what shesuggested? It makes her happy and doing somethingthat gives her happiness does not harm me. In fact, Ifeel happier when I do that.”Here you can see the difference in my mind in thoseyears. When I was younger, my mind framed whatmy parents said to me as, “They don’t trust me. Theydon’t respect me. They’re infringing on my autonomyand independence. They’re bossing me around.” Withthis interpretation of their motivation, I was defensiveand resistant. When I was older and more confident,they could say the exact same thing to me but mymind didn’t perceive it in the same way. You see thedifference? The situation was exactly the same, butwhat was different was my own mind.When we deeply understand how our mind works tocreate our experiences, we see that we actually havethe power to change these experiences. We have thepower not by making other people do what we want or

Dealing With Life’s Issues 145by making other things be what we want them to be.Instead, we have the power to change our experiencesby changing what is happening in our own mind.aForgivenessThis is where forgiveness comes in. Forgiving othersis very important. Each of us has experienced harm andhurt in our life. We can probably sit down and, withoutthinking twice, rattle off a list of the harm, hurt,injustices and unfairness that we have experienced.We can talk about them very easily, they are rightthere. We have a lot of baggage around past eventsand may carry around anger, resentment and grudgesfor decades. Sometimes, we become bitter or cynical. Isometimes think that is why old people are so bent over— not just because of feeble bones, but because theycarry so much psychological weight. They carry theirgrudges and bitterness with them everywhere they go,no matter who they are with. Instead of seeing the glassas half-full, they see it as half-empty. Their unhappinessis based on their thoughts and emotions, which theynever question or evaluate to see if they are realisticand beneficial. However, there is the possibility to letgo of all that because it is all created by the mind. Itis not external, objective reality at all.

146 Dharma and the Prison: Making Friends with OurselvesForgiveness heals our anguish. What is forgiveness?Forgiveness is nothing more than deciding, “I’m notgoing to be angry about this anymore. I’m going to letgo of my pain by letting go of my anger.” Forgivenessdoesn’t mean that what the other person did is okay.What they did may have been awful. In any case, it isin the past. It is not happening now. Forgiveness is ourthinking, “I care about myself and want to be happyso I’m going to stop carrying around the baggage ofall this hurt, resentment and anger.”Forgiveness is not something we do for someoneelse; it is something we do for ourselves. Forgivenessinstantly brings peace and calm in our mind. Holdingonto anger and grudges makes us miserable.Those of us who have meditated for a while willbe able to remember some meditation sessions wherewe were sitting in a safe place with people we like.Then we remember an incident from fifteen yearsago, and the inner dialogue begins, “I can’t believeit. That idiot, that jerk, he had the nerve to do that,unbelievable! I was so furious and I still am!” We sitthere and ruminate, “He did this and then he did that.He hurt me. It was so unfair, people are always takingadvantage of me. I’m going to stop them from doingthat. Grrrrrrrrr!”Then all of the sudden we hear the bell ring toconclude the meditation session. We open our eyes andare surprised, “Oh! Where was I during that meditationsession? I was drowning in my made-up fantasies of

Dealing With Life’s Issues 147the past.” The past is only a figment in our conceptualmind, our memory. What happened in the past isn’thappening now. That person did what he did. Whereis he now? Is he doing anything to us right now? No,we are sitting here, we are perfectly okay, nobody isdoing anything to us, but boy! did we get mad!Where did that anger come from? Sometimeswe remember something that happened in the past— somebody said some biting words or somebody wereally cared about walked out on us — and we feelthis tremendous hurt. Feeling hurt is uncomfortableso we cover it up by getting angry, because that givesus a sense of power, even though it is a false sense ofpower. But where is the person who harmed us at thismoment? That person is not here in front of us. Whereis that situation right now? It is gone! It is non-existent!It is only a thought now.It is so evident that what we remember and how wedescribe the past to ourselves can make us incrediblyfurious without anybody doing anything to us. We allhave had that experience. The pain, anguish and angerare not coming from outside, because the other personis not here and the situation is not happening now.Those feelings arise because our mind got lost in itsconceptions and interpretations of the past.Forgiveness is thinking, “I’m tired of doing this. I’veplayed and re-played that video of my life in my mindcountless times. I know the ending, and I’m bored withthis video.” We press the stop button. We put it down

148 Dharma and the Prison: Making Friends with Ourselvesand get on with our life instead of staying stuck in thepast with so many painful emotions. The past is nothappening now.That is why I say forgiveness is so refreshing andhealing for our own mind. We have this incrediblehuman potential, such amazing inner human beauty,and we have decided not to waste it filling our mindwith anger, resentment, fear and hurt. We havesomething more important, more valuable to do, andfor that reason forgiveness is so important.Sometimes, our mind says, “How can I forgivethis person after all he did to me? He really wantedto hurt me.” Here, we are pretending to read others’minds and to know their motivations. “That personwanted to hurt me. It was deliberate. He woke upthat morning wanting to hurt me. I know it!” Is thattrue? Can we read his mind? Do we know anotherperson’s motivations? In fact, we have no idea of theperson’s intention. We have to admit that actually, wehave no idea why that person did that action that wedidn’t like.Our mind thinks, “If the person did do it with anegative motivation, my anger is justified.” Is thattrue? If someone had a negative motivation and hurtyou, is your anger justified? Other people can have allthe negative motivations that they want. Why do weneed to get angry at them? We think that when otherpeople harm us, our only possible response is to hatethem and be angry at them. Is that true? Is anger or

Dealing With Life’s Issues 149hate the only possible response that we can have? Ofcourse not!In seventh grade, a situation happened and Iseethed with rage for years about it. My family’sbackground is of a minority religion, I grew up Jewish.In the seventh grade, Peter, one of my classmatesmade some anti-Semitic remarks. I ran out of theclassroom crying, went to the bathroom, and sobbedall day. I thought that was what you were supposedto do when you were insulted. You were supposed tobe so angry that you cried. I thought that was theonly way to respond when somebody made a cruelremark. I wasted a whole day crying in the bathroomat school because of Peter’s anti-Semitic remarks.After that incident, even though we went all the waythrough high school and part of college together, Inever spoke to him again. My attitude towards himwas like a slab of cold, hard wall, because I thoughtI was supposed to behave in this way when someonedisrespected me. For years, my anger was like a knifethat stabs in my heart.But, people can say whatever they want; it doesn’tmean it is true. I don’t have to feel insulted, nor do Ihave to interpret what he does as disrespect. I can stillfeel good about myself even when somebody makes acomment like that. It is not necessary to prove myselfto anyone. Why trouble my own mind, getting bent outof shape because somebody said something like that?My classmate didn’t make me angry. I made myself

150 Dharma and the Prison: Making Friends with Ourselvesangry by interpreting what he did in a certain wayand holding onto it.We can choose how we respond to things. If weobserve closely, we will see there is a point at whichwe can choose our emotions. Many of our meditationpractices are geared to help us look at our emotionsand thoughts and discern which ones aren’t realisticor beneficial and then to let them go. In this way, wecultivate a more realistic and beneficial outlook on thesituation.How else could I have perceived that classmate? Evenif somebody says cruel and mean things deliberately,why do I need to get angry? If I look into that person’sheart, what is he feeling? What is going on in theheart of a person who says harsh words? Is that personhappy? No.Can we understand that person’s pain? Can weunderstand that he is unhappy? Forget about whetherwe like him or not. Here is a living being who isunhappy. We know what it is like to be unhappy. Canwe understand his unhappiness, just as one livingbeing to another? We can do that, can’t we? When weknow our own unhappiness, we are able to understandsomeone else’s unhappiness. Just as we have compassionfor ourselves — wanting ourselves to be free fromsuffering, so too can we have compassion for others,wanting them to be free from misery. Then, instead ofhating the person for what he did, we wish him to befree from his inner pain that propelled him do what

Dealing With Life’s Issues 151he did. It is possible to look at someone who has hurtus with genuine compassion and wish him to be freefrom suffering.Compassion is a much more appropriate response topeople whom we do not like or to enemies than hatredis. If we hate somebody, we retaliate and deliberatelyinflict pain on that person. How does that affect theother person? He is hurt by what we do and becomesangry, and that motivates him to harm us again. Theconflict just escalates and both of us are miserable, evenif we cover it up with anger and vengeance.We have the incorrect thought that when we hatesomebody and come down hard on him, it will bringus happiness. Does retaliating make our life happier?It doesn’t. Why not? Because when we are maliciousto somebody, he will respond in kind. We then have todeal with that person doing more things to us that wedon’t like. Holding a grudge doesn’t make us happy. Itactually brings about the result that we don’t want.When we look into the heart of someone who isdoing things that we don’t like and we see he is doingthat because he is unhappy, doesn’t it make more senseto wish him happiness? If he were happy, if he had apeaceful mind, if he were contented, he wouldn’t beacting the way he is. Think about somebody who reallyhurt you and recognise that he did what he did becausehe was in pain. He was confused and in pain. How doyou know? Because people only do mean things whenthey are unhappy, when they are in pain. People don’t

152 Dharma and the Prison: Making Friends with Ourselvesact cruelly when they are at peace within. Whateverothers did that we found objectionable, they did becauseof their own confusion and unhappiness. No one wakesup in the morning and thinks, “I’m so happy today. Ithink I’ll go hurt someone.” They only act in harmfulways when their unhappiness overwhelms them andthey mistakenly think that doing such an action willremove their misery.Wouldn’t it be wonderful if these people were happy?If they were happy, they wouldn’t be doing what theyare doing. They wouldn’t have a troubled mind, sothey wouldn’t be saying or doing actions motivated bythat troubled mind. You see, even for our own benefit,it makes much more sense to wish our enemies to behappy.That doesn’t mean we wish for them to get everythingthat they want, because lots of people want things thatare not good for them. It doesn’t mean if SaddamHussein wants weapons, we wish him to have moreweapons that harm others. That is not compassion.That is stupidity.Compassion (wanting people to be free from sufferingand its causes) and love (wishing them to have love andits causes) do not mean that we necessarily want themto have whatever they want. People can sometimes beincredibly confused and want things that are not goodfor them or for anybody else. We could look at SaddamHussein, see the pain in his heart and wish that he befree from that pain. Wouldn’t it be wonderful if he were

Dealing With Life’s Issues 153free from the pain in his heart that causes his hatred?Wouldn’t it be great if he could have a peaceful mind?Then he wouldn’t harm anybody else in his confusedattempt to be happy. Then he wouldn’t create so muchdestructive karma that will bring himself more painin the future.When we think this way repeatedly and work it intoour meditations, we discover that compassion is a moresuitable response to harm than hatred is. I really seethis embodied in my teachers and especially in HisHoliness the Dalai Lama.His Holiness was born in 1935 and in 1950 whenhe was only fifteen years old, he was enthroned as theleader of Tibet. At that time, the Tibetans were havingso many difficulties with the Communist Chinese, andthey trusted His Holiness and wanted him to takepolitical leadership of the country. Think about that:remember what you were doing when you were fifteen?How would you have felt having the responsibility ofrunning a country and protecting other people whenyou were that age? Pretty amazing.In 1959, when he was 24 years old, there was anuprising against the Communist Chinese and HisHoliness had to escape by crossing the HimalayanMountains in March, when the snow was heavy and theweather was really cold. He went to India and becamea refugee. Tibet was on a high plateau and had chillyweather so there were few viruses and bacteria there.In contrast, the Indian plain was hot and full of viruses

154 Dharma and the Prison: Making Friends with Ourselvesand bacteria that cause various illnesses. Here he was,24 years old and a refugee. In addition, he has to helptens of thousands of other Tibetan refugees, many ofwhom were ill from the viruses and bacteria in India.I saw a video of a reporter from the L. A. Timesinterviewing His Holiness. She said to him, “Youhave been a refugee since you were 24. You had toleave everything behind and escape quickly and havenot been able to return to your country. There hasbeen genocide and ecological devastation in Tibet.The Communist government refuses to negotiate andcontinually calls you negative names.” She listed manyof the hardships His Holiness had experienced and wasstill experiencing. Then she looked at him and said,“But you are not angry, and you repeatedly tell theTibetan people not to hate the Communist Chinese forwhat they did to Tibet. How can you not be angry?”Imagine someone saying that to Yassar Arafat orany other leader of a displaced people! What wouldhave been the response? He would have taken themicrophone and used the opportunity to blame theother side! “Yes, they did this and they did that. It’sunfair, we are unjustly victimised.” That is what anyleader of an oppressed people would have done, butnot His Holiness.When the reporter asked, “How come you are notangry?” His Holiness leaned back, smiled and said,“What good does it do to be angry? Anger doesn’t freeany of the Tibetan people. It doesn’t stop the harm that

Dealing With Life’s Issues 155is going on. It would just keep me from sleeping andfrom being able to digest my food. Holding a grudgewould just make me bitter. What positive result couldanger bring me?” This reporter looked at His Holinesswith her jaw agape, totally blown away.How could somebody say this with such totalsincerity? I have lived in Dharamsala and have heardHis Holiness repeatedly say to the Tibetan people, “Donot hate the Communist Chinese for what they did toour country.” He has compassion, he is not angry. Buthe doesn’t say that the Communist regime is fine, orthat what they did is okay. He doesn’t say, “Fine. Youoccupied my country and killed more than a millionpeople. Come and do it again.” No, he speaks out aboutthe oppression in Tibet and directly states what theinjustice is. Trying to draw the world’s attention to theplight of the Tibetan people, he opposes injustice in acompletely non-violent way.Having compassion for somebody who harms us andletting go of the anger is much better for us and othersthan holding onto a grudge and seeking revenge. Wecan still say others’ actions are wrong, that the worldmust pay attention to a detrimental situation, and thatimprovement and resolution are needed. Compassiondoesn’t mean we become the world’s doormat.Some people have the wrong idea about compassion,thinking it means being passive. For example, if awoman is being abused by her husband or boyfriend,being compassionate does not mean she thinks,

156 Dharma and the Prison: Making Friends with Ourselves“Whatever you did was fine. You beat me up yesterday,but I forgive you so you can beat me up again today.”No, that is not compassion. That is stupidity. Hisbeating her is not okay. She can have compassion forhim and at the same time she must take active stepsto stop further abuse.There is a clarity that comes with compassion, whichenables us to be very assertive when assertiveness isneeded. Patience doesn’t mean we roll over and hum atune, it means we are able to remain calm in a situationwhen we are confronted with harm or suffering. Insteadof our mind being overwhelmed by hurt, anger, fearor self-pity, we remain calm and mentally clear. Thatgives us the ability to look at the situation and consider,“What is the best way to approach this? How can I actin a way that will bring the most effective solution foreveryone involved in this situation?” Compassion andpatience may not be the way the world looks at things,but it is fine not to look at things the way most peopledo, especially if their way causes more suffering.Let me pause here and see if you have questions orconcerns, or topics you want to bring up.aSometimes painful memories come on very strong.I am not choosing to think about an event fromthe past, but it just comes into my mind and I

Dealing With Life’s Issues 157feel like I am stuck there in the midst of thesituation again. It is as if it were happening allover again and so many old feelings come up. Idon’t understand what is happening or how tohandle it.We all have had that happened to us. This is notsomething we can necessarily banish quickly. Whenthis happens, we have to sit there with it and keepbreathing. Remind yourself that the situation is nothappening now. Try to press the stop button on thethoughts so that you don’t get lost in them. Whenstrong memories come up, our mind is telling us anarrative. It is describing the event in a certain way,looking at it from a particular perspective, “Thissituation is going to destroy me. It’s terrible. I’mworthless. I did the wrong thing and I don’t deserveto be happy.” That narrative is not true. We usuallyget trapped in the story, so it is helpful to just focus onyour breath. Anchor your attention to your breath andrelax. Or you can focus only on the physical sensations.In other words, instead of getting all caught up withthe story going on in your mind; simply observe thevarious sensations in your body and watch them change.Another way is to observe the emotion itself. What doesthat emotion feel like? Make sure not to get involvedin the story that your mind is telling you. That storyisn’t true. The event is not happening now. You are nota bad person. If you observe the feeling in the mind,the feeling in the body or the breath, then whatever

158 Dharma and the Prison: Making Friends with Ourselvesit is will automatically change. This is the nature ofeverything that arises; it changes and passes away.We have a stockpile of painful situations. They arelike computer viruses that cause problems and take timeto fix. One way that I have found very helpful is whenI am not in the situation and not stuck in the middleof my emotions, to consciously remember one of thosesituations and practise looking at it in a different way.I practise using one of the antidotes the Buddha taughtto work with whatever emotions are arising. I talkedabout some of these antidotes — different ways to seethe situation — tonight, so remember them and practisethem. Also read Shantideva’s Guide to a Bodhisattva’s Wayof Life or my book Working with Anger. There are a lot oftechniques in there. To show one technique we talkedabout tonight, here’s an example.Let’s say that while I am sitting in meditation, Ibring up the memory of a friend who betrayed mytrust a few years ago. This was somebody whom Ireally trusted, and he had turned around and stabbedme in the back, so-to-speak. I never expected thisperson to act in such a way. I sit there in meditationand know I can easily start telling myself the storyagain — “he did this and he did that and I was sohurt” — but then I think, “No, that story is not true.That person was in pain. He didn’t actually havethe intention of hurting me. Although it might haveseemed at that moment that he did want to hurt me,actually what was happening was he was overwhelmed

Dealing With Life’s Issues 159by his own suffering and under the control of hismental afflictions. What he did didn’t really havemuch to do with me. His actions were an expressionof his own pain and confusion. If he hadn’t beenoverwhelmed by these emotions, he would not haveacted in such a way.”We know that this is the case for us whenever wehave betrayed someone else’s trust. Or maybe there issomeone here who has never betrayed another’s trustbefore? Come on, we all have at one time or another!When we examine our own mind after we have betrayedsomebody’s trust, we usually feel horrible about it. Wethink, “How could I ever have said that to this personI love so much?” Then we realise, “I was in pain andwas awfully confused. I didn’t really understand whatI was doing. I thought that by acting in that way myinner suffering would stop, but it didn’t! That was thewrong thing to do. I hurt someone I care about andeven though apologising is hard on my ego, I want andneed to make amends.”When we understand the confused emotions andthought processes inside us that prompted us tobetray someone else’s trust, we know that when othersbetrayed our trust it was because they were underthe influence of similar emotions and thoughts. Theywere overwhelmed by their own pain and confusion.It wasn’t that they really hated us or really wanted tohurt us, it was that they were so confused they thoughtthat doing or saying whatever they did was going to

160 Dharma and the Prison: Making Friends with Ourselvesrelieve their stress and pain. They would have actedin that way towards anyone who crossed their pathat that moment because they were stuck in their ownstory. When we understand this about them, we knowthey were hurting. We then let go of our own hurt andanger, and allow compassion for them to arise in ourmind because we know they were miserable and theirbehaviour really had nothing to do with us.To work through some of these situations —especially the ones where our minds have been stuckin a negative emotion for a long time — we need todo this meditation repeatedly. We need to familiariseour mind with a new way of looking at things. We haveto retrain our mind and set up new emotional habits.It is going to take some time and effort on our part,but if we put in that time and make that effort, wewill definitely experience the result. The law of causeand effect operates, and if we create the cause we willexperience the effect. If we don’t create the cause,we won’t get that effect. When we really practise, itis possible to change. I can say that from personalexperience. I am still very far from Buddhahood, but Ican say that I am able to deal with many of the painfulthings in my life much better now than I was yearsago. I have been able to let go of a lot of anger simplythrough repeatedly practising these meditations.When we start looking repeatedly at previouspainful or stressful situations in different ways, ithelps the next time we are in a similar situation.

Dealing With Life’s Issues 161Then, instead of our minds getting stuck in thesame old emotional habits, we will be able to call tomind that other way of looking at the situation andpractise it. We will remember it because we havefamiliarised ourselves with that new perspectiveduring meditation.Here is another example. I was at a retreat that oneof my teachers was leading. One nun who attendedthis retreat loved arranging the flower offerings onthe altar. She took such joy in it that she would designbeautiful flower offerings to be placed on the shrinenear the Buddha’s image and near our teacher. But shewas unable to stay for the entire retreat and left early.One day after she had left, another person joined meas I was leaving the meditation hall at the end of theday to walk back to my room. She said to me, “Ven.Ingrid left and nobody is taking care of the flowers. Itis the nuns’ responsibility to take care of the flowersand now all the flowers have wilted and look so uglyand are in disarray. The nuns are being disrespectfulto our teacher because they are not taking care of theflowers.” She was going on and on about this. Mentally,I was thinking, “I don’t remember a rule saying thatthe nuns have to take care of the flowers. Are youtrying to guilt-trip me? Yes, you are guilt-tripping me.But you’re not going to succeed. No way! I’m not goingto take care of the flowers just because you’re sayingthat!” I got pretty worked up over it. The anger didn’tshow on the outside, but inside, I was simmering. As

162 Dharma and the Prison: Making Friends with Ourselvesshe went on and on with this guilt trip, I got madderand madder.A little background on this retreat: My teacherdidn’t let us sleep very much. Sessions lasted late intothe night and began early each morning, so we wereall sleep-deprived. The conversation with this otherretreatant took place as we were walking to our roomsto retire for the night. The problem is when you areangry, you can’t go to sleep. Suddenly the thought cameto my mind, “Ahw! If I continue being angry, I’m notgoing to get to sleep and I really cherish my few hoursof sleep. So I have got to let go of this anger becauseI really want to sleep!” Thus I said to myself, “This isjust her opinion. There is no reason to get mad at her.Everyone is entitled to his or her opinion, and I don’tneed to be so reactive when someone’s opinion differsfrom mine. The flowers look okay to me. If they werereally bad I would do something, but they look fine tome. I’ll check tomorrow and if they look bad, I’ll takecare of them.” Then I just let go and got some sleep thatnight! Of course, caring about my own sleep wasn’t themost compassionate motivation, but at least it enabledme to stop the anger and to prevent any harsh wordsor actions motivated by anger from occurring.After practising looking at things in a different waywhen we are not in the situation, it becomes easierto catch ourselves in the situation and not get angry.Here’s a story about a time when another monastic andI had a problem. It was during the same retreat. I had

Dealing With Life’s Issues 163been talking to another person about a topic and duringthe break, we asked our teacher about it. After that,this monastic came up to me and said, “Why did youask that ridiculous question? You already know what hethinks. Just because you don’t agree, why do you need tokeep harping on it?” Well, I didn’t like being talked tothat way. I was getting mad as the bell rang for us togo back into the meditation hall. I felt misunderstood;I had posed a sincere question to our teacher and mymind was saying, “It wasn’t her business! She wasn’tsupposed to be listening to that conversation.” I didn’tknow what she was getting riled up about but I wassure getting angry.Then I thought, “Where am I ever going to go inthis world where everybody will understand me? I’vebeen misunderstood many times in the past. This isnot the first time that somebody has misunderstoodme and blamed me for something I didn’t do. It’s notthe first time, and it’s not going to be the last timeeither. This is samsara — cyclic existence — and suchmisunderstandings happen all the time. It is sure tohappen again. Somebody else will misunderstand meand criticise me. Someone will accuse me of a wrongmotivation when this is not the case. This is just thenature of our life in cyclic existence, so why shouldI bother getting angry about it? What good is angergoing to do for me or anyone else? There is alreadyenough suffering in cyclic existence, so why should I getangry and increase it?” So I said to myself, “Let’s just

164 Dharma and the Prison: Making Friends with Ourselveschill out, Chodron, and relax because there’s nothingworth getting upset about here.” Thinking in this wayhelped me to let go of the anger. What’s nice is we arefriends and I don’t hold what happened against her.Instead, she gave me a good story to tell!Some past painful events have stuck with me for along time, but I have found that if I continuously applythe meditations and the antidotes, eventually I havebeen able to let them go. There is so much peace ofmind when we stop holding onto the false stories thatour mind has made up.Here’s another story. In the early 1980s, my teachersent me to work in an Italian Dharma centre. I aman independent woman and was given a position ofauthority in the Dharma centre. The people under mewere macho Italian monks. Do you know what happenswhen you put macho Italian monks together with anindependent American woman who is in a position ofauthority over them? You have something close to LosAlamos! The monks were not happy campers about thesituation and they didn’t hesitate to let me know that.Having an uncontrolled mind, I was getting really madat them in return.I was in Italy for twenty-one months. One time Iwrote to Lama Yeshe, the teacher who sent me there,and asked, “Lama, please, can I leave? These peopleare making me create so much negative karma!” Lamawrote back and said, “We’ll talk about it when I’mthere. I’ll be there in six months.”

Dealing With Life’s Issues 165Finally, Lama came and gave me permission toleave Italy. I returned to India to do solitary retreatfor a few months. I did four meditation sessions a day,and in almost every meditation session I would thinkof the macho men and get angry. I was just furious atthem for everything they had done: they made fun ofme, they teased me, they didn’t listen to what I said,they interfered with my projects, they did this, they didthat. I was upset one meditation session after another,but I just kept applying the antidotes from Guide to aBodhisattva’s Way of Life and slowly my mind began tocalm down.At first, I was able to calm myself down in ameditation session. But after taking a break and sittingdown for the next session, I would again think aboutwhat had happened in Italy and get angry all overagain. So I would practise the antidote once more andcalm myself down. This experience showed me that if Ipersevere in applying those antidotes — which usuallyinvolved reframing to see and think about the situationin a more realistic way — I will see progress. Gradually,a shift happened and I was able to let go of the angera little more quickly. The anger wasn’t so intense anddidn’t arise so often. Finally, my mind was able torelax about the whole thing. Years later, when I wroteWorking With Anger I had to give credit to those Italianmen because due to their kindness, I became familiarwith these meditations to cultivate patience.Why are we angry? Mostly, it is because we are

166 Dharma and the Prison: Making Friends with Ourselveseither hurt or afraid. These two emotions usuallyunderlie our anger. What lies behind hurt and fear?Often it is attachment, especially if we are clingingtightly to somebody, something or to an idea we have.Let’s say we are attached to a person and want hisapproval, love, affection and praise. We want him tothink and say nice things about us. If he doesn’t dothat and he says something a little bit off, we are sohurt. We feel betrayed and vulnerable. We don’t liketo feel hurt or afraid because we feel powerless, andfeeling powerless is really uncomfortable. What doesthe mind do to distract us from those feelings and torestore the illusion of having power? It creates anger.When we are angry, the adrenaline starts pumpingand we have a false feeling of power because the bodyis energised. The anger gives us the feeling, “I havepower. I can do something about this situation. I’ll fixit!” This is make-believe. Anger won’t fix the situation;it only makes it worse. It is as if we were thinking, “I’llbe so mad at them that they’ll regret what they didand love me.” Is that true? When people are mad at usand say nasty things to us, do we love them in return?No! It’s just the opposite — we want to stay away fromthem. Similarly, that’s how the other person will reactto our anger. It won’t make the person feel close to us.It will only push him or her away.In such a situation, we are craving to hear somekind words or we are clinging to others accepting us,but they are not giving us what we want. If we can

Dealing With Life’s Issues 167acknowledge that and release the attachment, we willsee that we are complete and whole already, regardlessof whether the other person likes us or doesn’t like us,praises us or blames us, approves of us or disapprovesof us. If we feel fine with ourselves, we are not sodependent on what others think, and then we are ableto let go of the attachment and stop feeling hurt. Whenwe stopped holding onto the hurt and blaming othersfor it, there is no more anger.A lot of hurt feelings come about because wedon’t feel totally sure of ourselves. Thus, we cravefor somebody else’s approval or praise so that we canfeel good about ourselves. This is what most peopledo. However, if we learn to evaluate our own actionsand motivations, we won’t be so dependent on otherpeople telling us if we are good or bad. Are otherpeople’s opinions reliable? Are they true? Rememberthe example I gave at the beginning of the talk aboutthe person who gave a million dollars to build a clinic?Everybody says to him, “You’re so good, you’re sucha wonderful person!” Is that true? He had a crummymotivation. He wasn’t generous at all, even thoughothers praised him.Instead of relying on other people and what they sayabout us, we need to look at our own actions, reflecton our own speech and look at our own motivations:Did I say those words and do that action with a kindheart? Was I being honest and truthful? Was I tryingto manipulate others or pull the wool over their eyes?

168 Dharma and the Prison: Making Friends with OurselvesWas I being selfish and trying to dominate others? Weneed to learn to evaluate our motivations and actionshonestly. If we see our motivation was self-centred, weacknowledge it and do a purification practice. We calmour mind and then by looking at the situation freshly,we cultivate a new, kinder motivation.When we are aware of our motivations and ableto correct them, it doesn’t matter whether somebodypraises us or blames us. Why? Because we knowourselves. When we see that we acted with a goodmotivation — we were kind, honest and did our bestin the situation — then even if somebody doesn’t likewhat we did or criticise us, we don’t feel bad about it.We know our own internal reality. We did what wecould with a positive mental state, given the situation.When we are in touch with ourselves and are moreself-accepting, we are able to immediately remedydisturbing emotions instead of just letting them festerinside our minds. The more we are able to look atourselves honestly and apply the methods the Buddhataught to eradicate disturbing emotions and enhanceconstructive ones, the less dependent we will be onother people’s comments. This gives us a certain kindof freedom; we become less reactive to what others sayabout us and are more confident.Once, I was giving a Dharma talk in a Seattlebookstore to an audience of about fifty people whensomebody stood up during the Q-and-A session andsaid, “Your kind of Buddhism is different from my kind

Dealing With Life’s Issues 169of Buddhism. What you’re teaching is all wrong. Yousaid this and that, and that’s not right because this iswhat’s true.” This person spoke for about ten minutes,really trashing the talk that I had just given. Whenshe was done, I just said, “Thank you very much forsharing your thoughts.” I wasn’t angry because I knewI had studied, that what I said was correct to the bestof my ability, and that I had cultivated a compassionatemotivation before giving the talk. If the person had saidsomething that I thought was correct, I would have said,“Hmm. What you’re saying makes sense. Maybe I didmake an error.” I would have gone back and asked myteacher, studied more and checked it out. That wasn’tthe case though. I listened to the person’s criticismand I didn’t find it to be accurate, so I just let it go.There was no need to defend myself or put the persondown. I knew that I did my best and wasn’t offendedby her comments. After the talk, some people cameup to me and said, “We couldn’t believe you were socalm after how this person acted!” Perhaps that wasthe real teaching of the evening. I think somethinggood came out of it.a

170 Dharma and the Prison: Making Friends with OurselvesDo you think things are progressing or deterioratingon the planet?It is hard for me to give a global statement becausealthough there are some people whose minds arefilled with negative thoughts, there are others whoseminds are changing and becoming more tolerant andcompassionate. I do have cause for hope. Before the Iraqwar, there was a debate in the United Nations (UN)on whether to invade Iraq. Even though the UnitedStates of America stepped in and took over the showwhen other nations did not agree that it was necessaryto invade Iraq, this was actually the first time therehad been a discussion about starting a war in the UNwhere all the countries could discuss openly.More people are becoming aware of the ecologicalsituation and it is encouraging that Al Gore and theUN researchers were awarded the Nobel Peace Prizefor their work in this area. Many people who are notBuddhists come to Buddhist talks and are moved bythe teachings on love, compassion and forgiveness. Ilive in an abbey in a very Christian area with a lot oflibertarians, close to where the Aryan nation used tohave its headquarters. I teach classes in the local townand people come. They aren’t Buddhist classes — wetalk about how to reduce stress, how to cultivate loveand compassion, and so forth — but everybody knowsI am a Buddhist nun. People in the local town attendand are appreciative. I think people are looking fora message of peace. It’s impressive to see how well

Dealing With Life’s Issues 171His Holiness the Dalai Lama is received around theworld.aConcluding MeditationTo conclude, let’s sit quietly for a few minutes. Thisis a “digestion meditation”, so think about somethingthat we talked about. Recall it in such a way that youcan take it with you and continue to think about it andput it into practice in your life. (pause)aDedicationLet’s dedicate the merit that we have created asindividuals and as a group. We listened and sharedwith a positive motivation; we contemplated thoughtsof kindness and compassion with a good intention inan attempt to transform our mind.Let’s dedicate this merit and send it out into theuniverse. Think of it as light at your heart that radiatesinto the universe. That light is your merit, your virtue andyou send it out and share it with all other living beings.Think that as this light touches them, their bodies arehealed and their minds become tranquil and loving.Let’s pray and aspire so that through what we have

172 Dharma and the Prison: Making Friends with Ourselvesdone together this evening, all living beings may be atpeace in their own heart. May all living beings be ableto let go of their grudges, hurt and anger. May all livingbeings be able to actualise their incredible inner humanbeauty and manifest their Buddha potential. May webe able to make greater and greater contributions tothe benefit of each and every living being. May eachof us and all other living beings quickly become fullyenlightened Buddhas.a

Dealing With Life’s Issues 173A Short BiographyBorn in 1950, Ven Thubten Chodrongrew up near Los Angeles. She graduatedwith a B.A. in History from the Universityof California at Los Angeles in 1971. Aftertravelling through Europe, North Africaand Asia for one and a half years, shereceived a teaching credential and went tothe University of Southern California to do postgraduate workin Education while working as a teacher in the Los AngelesCity School System.In 1975, she attended a meditation course given by VenLama Yeshe and Ven Zopa Rinpoche, and subsequently wentto their monastery in Nepal to continue to study and practisethe Buddha’s teachings. In 1977, she received the sramanerika(novice) ordination, and in 1986, went to Taiwan to take thebhikshuni (full) ordination.She studied and practised Buddhism of the Tibetan traditionfor many years in India and Nepal, and directed the spiritualprogramme at Lama Tzong Khapa Institute in Italy for nearlytwo years. She studied three years at Dorje Pamo Monasteryin France and was a resident teacher at Amitabha BuddhistCentre in Singapore. Ven. Chodron was a co-organiser of Lifeas a Western Buddhist Nun, and took part in the conferences ofWestern Buddhist teachers with H.H. the Dalai Lama in 1993and 1994. She currently lives and teaches in Sravash Abbeyin Washington and continues to travel worldwide to teach theDharma. Her books include Open Heart, Clear Mind (Snow lion,Ithaca NY), Buddhism for Beginners (Snow Lion, NY), Taming theMonkey Mind (Graham Brash, Singapore), and Glimpse of Reality(with Dr. Alexander Berzin).Access the Internet for up-to-date information on Ven.Chodron’s teachings, dharma activity schedules, publicationsand more at www.thubtenchodron.org

174How toReach UsWe are at:Kong Meng San Phor Kark See Monastery(Bright Hill Temple)88 Bright Hill Road Singapore 574117Homepage: http://www.kmspks.orgAt Bishan Interchange (where Bishan MRT Station is),take SBS Bus No. 52 & 410 (White Plate). In less than 10 minutes,the bus will arrive at the bus-stop right infront of our temple’s front gate. You won’t miss it!

AWAKEN to …Compassion& Wisdomon the journey of life…Published three times a year by Kong Meng San PhorKark See Monastery, AWAKEN is a FREE bilingualBuddhist magazine that aims to help readers gain insightand make sense of life’s journey using the Dharma.Get your free copy from these outlets:Awareness Place 光 明 坊Blk 231 Bain Street#01-63 Bras Basah Complex S(180231)•SINGAPORE BUDDHIST FEDERATION 新 加 坡 佛 教 总 会375 Race Course Road S(218644)•SINGAPORE BUDDHIST LODGE 新 加 坡 佛 教 居 士 林17 Kim Yam Road S(239329)•TAI PEI BUDDHIST CENTRE 大 悲 佛 教 中 心2 Lavender Street S(338823)•CI YAN VEGETARIAN HEALTH FOOD 慈 缘 轩8/10 Smith Street S(058917)•The Herbs Home 草 本 屋101 Upper Cross Street People’s Park Centre#02-77D S(058357)•Greenpeace 静 缘 斋International Plaza 10 Anson Road#02-19 S(979903)Whilst stocks last

❂ Other titles published by Kong Meng San Phor Kark See MonasteryBe A Lamp Upon YourselfCompilationThe usefulness of this book is in its concise approach to the basicteachings of the Buddha.Preparing For Death AndHelping The DyingVen. Sangye KhadroThis booklet answers a genuine need in today’s world: to know moreabout death and how to help dying people. The discomfort we havetowards death is because we think it will be a terrible, painful anddepressing experience. However, it doesn’t have to be so. Dying canbe a time of learning and growth; a time of deepening our love, ourawareness of what is important in life, and our faith and commitmentto spiritual beliefs and practices.DhammapadaVen. Acharya BuddharakkhitaThe Dhammapada, which enshrines the spirit of the Buddhas’teachings, is a book for all times, a book to be cherished and loved.May it bring light to your life!Published with kind permission from Sukhi Hotu.Working With AngerVen. Thubten ChodronThis book describes Buddhist methods for subduing and preventinganger, not by changing what is happening, but by framing itdifferently.How to Overcome Your DifficultiesVen. Dr. K. Sri. DhammanandaAre you worried? Are you miserable? If so, you are invited to readthis booklet to develop a better understanding of your problems. Itis dedicated to you and to those who worry.* For a detailed list of all the books we published, please visit: www.kmspks.org

Other titles published by Kong Meng San Phor Kark See Monastery ❂I Wonder WhyVen. Thubten ChodronThis book covers the most fundamental questions and issues that arisein the minds of modern individuals who are new to this tradition ofpractical spirituality. Written in a clear and engaging language, thisbook presents the Buddhist approach to the fundamental issues andconcerns of daily life.Settling Back Into The MomentJoseph GoldsteinThis book is a compilation of excerpts that are words of timelesstruths, words that are meant for reflection, words that talk straightto your heart.Published with kind permission from Sukhi Hotu.Practical Vipassana Meditation ExercisesVen. Mahasi SayadawTranscribed from a discourse given by the late Ven. Mahasi Sayadaw,this book addressed to lay people describes the subtleties and methodsof Vipassana meditation practice in a plain, easy and concise language.Showing us the path to liberation through the way of mindfulness, itis not the kind of book that one reads for reading’s sake.* English & Chinese EditionsAwakening a Kind HeartVen. Sangye KhadroEverybody wants to be happy and free of problems. The two shortteachings in this book explain simply and clearly how we can achievethis happiness by transforming our usual self-cherishing attitude andawakening a kind heart.We Are Good ChildrenXin Lian * English & Chinese EditionsChildren should be taught and instilled with the right moralsand ethics from young. The objectives of this bilingual book areto introduce, familiarise and inculcate young children the virtuesof Buddhism and eastern culture like filial piety, gratitude andcompassion. Through this process, we hope children would be imbuedwith the positive traits of self-reflection and self-correction of nonvirtuousbehaviour and conduct.* For a detailed list of all the books we published, please visit: www.kmspks.org

❂ Other titles published by Kong Meng San Phor Kark See MonasteryThree TeachingsVen. Tenzin PalmoVen. Tenzin Palmo’s Teachings on Retreat, Mahamudra Practiceand Mindfulness are a delight to read. Transcribed from talks thatshe gave in Singapore in May 1999, the teachings are delivered inplain language, seasoned with plenty of audience participation. Eachsubject is discussed with humour, liveliness and compassion. She hasthe great gift of showing how the Dharma can be integrated intoevery aspect of our lives.The Purpose of LifeVen. K Sri DhammanadaIs there a purpose for life? What is the purpose of life?What, or where or when? Out of space came universe, Came sun, cameearth, came life... But as to purpose whose or whence? Why?This book gives very clear, practical and direct to the point advice tothose who seek to achieve an understanding of their life on earth, andhow to lead a noble life amidst the confusion, murkiness, materialismand strong craving that this age heralds.The Significance and Benefits of Six-Syllable Mantra RecitationHE Drubwang Konchok Norbu RinpocheAre you curious about the origin of the Six-Syllable mantra? Orwhat the Four-arm Chenrezig means? Read this book for a betterunderstanding. Based on a series of teachings given by His EminenceDrubwang Konchok Norbu Rinpoche of the Drikung Kagyu lineage,this book also explains the benefits and importance of doing theMani recitation, and the mental state in which the recitation is tobe conducted.Stories 1-50Tales of the Buddha’s Former LivesTales of the Buddha’s Former Lives is a collection of simple storieswritten along the line of Aesop’s Fables. Though meant for readersof all ages, they are especially useful to older children and teenagers,as these stories promote and highlight virtuous conduct and goodbehaviour, especially those human values that contribute to harmony,pleasure and progress.Stories 51-100* For a detailed list of all the books we published, please visit: www.kmspks.org

Other titles published by Kong Meng San Phor Kark See Monastery ❂Transforming Our Daily ActivitiesVen. Thubten ChodronSpiritual practice need not be separated from daily living. Here is abook that teaches you how you can lead a more fulfilling life accordingto the Buddha’s teachings and transform your daily activities into actsof compassion and loving-kindness. You can live and breathe theDharma even while at work, driving or doing grocery shopping!A Happy Married LifeA Buddhist PerspectiveVen. K Sri DhammanadaIs there a purpose for life? What is the purpose of life?A marriage is a partnership of equality, gentleness, generosity, calm anddedication. Ven. Dr K Sri Dhammananda tells how a good marriageshould grow and develop from understanding and true loyalty wherethe personalities involved are allowed to grow.DVD* For a detailed list of all the books we published, please visit: www.kmspks.org

❂ Other titles published by Kong Meng San Phor Kark See Monastery* 内 容 会 不 时 更 新 , 若 欲 知 晓 最 新 的 内 容 , 请 至 以 下 网 址 查 阅 :www.kmspks.org

Other titles published by Kong Meng San Phor Kark See Monastery ❂* 内 容 会 不 时 更 新 , 若 欲 知 晓 最 新 的 内 容 , 请 至 以 下 网 址 查 阅 :www.kmspks.org

❂ Other titles published by Kong Meng San Phor Kark See Monastery* 内 容 会 不 时 更 新 , 若 欲 知 晓 最 新 的 内 容 , 请 至 以 下 网 址 查 阅 :www.kmspks.org

#新 加 坡 第 一 所 提 供 学 位 课 程 、 培 养 学 修 并 重 优 质 僧 侣 的 佛 学 院 , 已 在 光 明山 普 觉 禅 寺 成 立 了 。 学 院 任 重 道 远 , 开 支 庞 大 , 欢 迎 十 方 信 众 的 发 心 供养 。 如 果 您 想 和 大 家 分 享 这 种 功 德 无 上 法 布 施 的 喜 悦 , 敬 请 以 最 现 代 化 的方 试 , 填 妥 下 列 “ 财 路 ” 捐 款 表 格 , 寄 回 光 明 山 普 觉 禅 寺 。 谢 谢 。依 教 奉 行 为 善 乐 施Practise according to the Buddha’s teachings. Do good and rejoice in generosity.All donations, big or small, are meritorious and welcomed.GIRO Donation Form 财 路 | 捐 | 款 | 表 | 格PART 1 For Applicant’s Completion ( Fill in the spaces indicated with * )由 申 请 人 填 妥 ( 请 在 * 空 行 填 上 详 情 )Name of Billing Organisation “BO”/ 受 惠 团 体 名 称 “BO”Kong Meng San Phor Kark See Monastery 光 明 山 普 觉 禅 寺Date/ 日 期To : Name of Financial Institution/ 金 融 机 构 名 称* _________________ * _______________________________________________________Branch 分 行 * _________________________________________________________________Billing Organisation’s Donor’s Name/ 受 惠 团 体 捐 助 者 名 称* ____________________________________________________________________________Billing Organisation’s Customer’s Reference Number/ 受 惠 团 体 的 顾 客 参 照 编 号GD __________________________________ BCS ____________________________________* Amount (S$) to be deducted every month/ 每 月 扣 除 数 额 (S$) 光 明 山 普 觉 禅 寺 Kong Meng San Phor Kark See Monastery 新 加 坡 佛 学 院 Buddhist College of SingaporeS$ ______________S$ ______________( # Total 总 额 ) : S$ ______________# limit to set in bank system(a) I / We hereby instruct you to process the BO’s instructions to debit my / our account for thedonation. 在 此 我 / 我 们 指 示 你 让 受 惠 团 体 从 我 / 我 们 的 户 口 收 取 捐 款 。(b) You are entitled to reject the BO’s debit instruction if my / our account does not have sufficientfunds and charge me / us a fee for this. You may also at your discretion allow the debit even if thisresults in an overdraft on the account and impose charges accordingly. 若 我 / 我 们 的 户 口 没 有 足够 的 款 项 , 你 有 权 拒 绝 受 惠 团 体 的 指 示 , 并 向 我 / 我 们 索 取 行 政 费 。 即 使 我 / 我 们 户 头 的 余 额 不足 , 您 也 可 自 行 决 定 让 受 惠 团 体 从 我 / 我 们 的 户 头 收 取 捐 款 , 再 向 我 / 我 们 索 取 相 关 费 用 。(c) This authorisation will remain in force until terminated by your written notice sent to my/ouraddress last known to you or upon receipt of my / our written revocation through the BO. 此 授 权书 , 在 我 / 我 们 未 接 获 你 终 止 协 定 的 书 面 通 知 前 , 或 在 你 未 接 获 我 / 我 们 通 过 受 惠 团 体 所 寄 出的 终 止 协 定 通 知 前 , 将 保 留 它 的 有 效 性 。My / Our Name(s) (Account Holder’s Name) 我 / 我 们 姓 名 ( 户 口 持 有 者 姓 名 )* ___________________________________________________________________My / Our Account Number 我 / 我 们 的 户 口 号 码* ___________________________________________________________________My / Our Contact (Tel / Fax) Number(s) / E-mail address 我 / 我 们 的 联 络 号 码 / 传 真 / 电 子 邮 址* ___________________________________________________________________My / Our Company Stamp / Signature(s) Thumbprint(s)** 我 / 我 们 公 司 的 印 章 / 签 名 / 指 纹 *** ___________________________________________________________________(As in Financial Institution’s records 依 据 金 融 机 构 的 记 录 )** For thumbprints, please go to the branch with your identification 若 是 以 指 纹 盖 章 , 请 携 带 您 的 身 份 证 前 往 分 行 办 理 手 续

PART 2 For Billing Organisation’s Completion 由 受 惠 团 体 填 妥Bank / 银 行 Branch / 分 行 Billing Organisation’s Account No. / 受 惠 团 体 户 口 号 码7 3 3 9 6 5 6 4 3 6 1 9 3 0 0 1GDBilling Organisation’s Customer’s Ref No.受 惠 团 体 的 顾 客 参 照 号 码B C SBilling Organisation’s Customer’s Ref No.受 惠 团 体 的 顾 客 参 照 号 码Bank / 银 行 Branch / 分 行 Account No. to be Debited / 捐 款 者 户 口 号 码PART 3 For Financial Institution’s Completion 由 金 融 机 构 填 妥To: Kong Meng San Phor Kark See Monastery 光 明 山 普 觉 禅 寺88 Bright Hill Road Singapore (574117)Tel : 6849 5305 Fax : 6453 2090This Application is hereby REJECTED ( please tick √ ) for the following reason (s)此 申 请 被 驳 回 ( 请 在 以 下 的 申 请 被 驳 回 的 理 由 打 勾 √) Signature / Thumbprint* differs from Financial Institution’s records签 名 / 指 纹 * 不 符 合 金 融 机 构 的 记 录 Wrong account number 户 口 号 码 错 误 Signature / Thumbprint* incomplete / unclear* 签 名 / 指 纹 * 不 完 整 / 不 清 楚 Amendments not countersigned by applicant 申 请 者 没 在 更 正 的 项 目 旁 签 名 Account operated by signature / thumbprint 户 口 依 据 签 名 / 指 纹 启 动*Please delete where inapplicable * 请 删 除 无 关 的 项 目 Others 其 他 : _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________Name of Approving Officer 批 准 长 官 的 姓 名______________________________________________Authorised Signature and Stamp of Financial Institution金 融 机 构 所 授 权 的 签 名 与 印 章_____________________________Date日 期Please mail the completed form to 填 妥 表 格 请 寄 至 :Kong Meng San Phor Kark See Monastery 光 明 山 普 觉 禅 寺Finance Department 财 政 部88 Bright Hill Road Singapore (574117)询 问 电 话 Enquiries:6849 5305衷 心 感 谢 您 的 护 持 与 捐 献 Thank you for your kind donation and support. May you be well and happy.#

The Merits of ProducingBuddhist Teachings and Buddha Images1. One’s light karmic misgivings will dissolve, while heavy oneslighten.2. One will be protected by devas, and be unharmed by naturaland man-made disasters.3. One will always be free from the suffering of hatred andvengeance.4. One will be unharmed by yaksas, evil spirits and wild beasts.5. One’s mind will be at peace, free from harm and nightmares.6. One’s complexion will be radiant.7. One will be full of auspicious energy.8. One who practises the Dharma wholeheartedly will haveadequate living necessities.9. One’s family will be harmonious and be blessed with fortuneand wisdom.10. One who practises what one preaches will be respected andloved by all.11. One who is dull-minded will gain wisdom.12. One who is ill will gain health.13. One who is poor will gain wealth.14. One will be free of being reborn in the negative realms.15. One will be able to help others grow in wisdom and gain greatmerit in doing so.16. One will always be able to learn the Dharma, till one’s wisdomand spiritual penetrations are fully grown and one becomesa Buddha.

Sponsorship FormThe gift of truth excels all other gifts . . . The BuddhaIf you would like to share the Gift of the Dharma, which is the greatestgift of all, with others by supporting the production cost of DharmaCDs and books for Free Distribution, kindly photocopy this page andfill in your particulars. Cheques/money orders should be made payableto “Kong Meng San Phor Kark See Monastery” and sent to:Kong Meng San Phor Kark See MonasteryAwaken Publishing & Design88 Bright Hill Road, Singapore 574117If you have any enquiries, please call (65)6849 5300or E-mail: publication@kmspks.org(For overseas readers, please send bankdrafts in Singapore currency.Please include $10 for bank charges.)* Please note that the monastery is NOT able to accept cheques in foreign currency.You can also donate online via eNets or Giro athttp://www.kmspks.org/kmspks/donation.htm(*Please key in ‘For the printing of Dharma Books’ under theOther Payment Remarks column and type in the donation amountin the Other Payment Amount column.)NameAddressTel (O)(H)(Hp/Pgr)E-mailDonation: ❏ Books $ ❏ CDs $❏ Awaken Magazine $❏ Cash ❏ Cheque No.Do you require an official receipt? ❏ Yes ❏ NoWhere did you obtain this book?Dealing With Life’s Issues