Out of Captivity : Surviving 1,967 Days in the Colombian Jungle

Broken Bones and Broken Bonds229mother had said. She told me that my mother loved me. She missedme. She wanted me to be strong.I bit down hard on my lip. In her retelling, Ingrid had produced thesame emotions in me, as if I were hearing the original message all overagain. I felt like my mother was right there with me and the gut-gnawinghomesickness of it all nearly knocked me over. I asked Ingrid to tell meagain what my mother said. She patiently repeated her words a secondtime. Finally, still not satisfied but knowing that what Ingrid had donefor me was enough, I sat with her and listened until the program endedand the soft static faded as Ingrid lowered the volume completely.I went to bed and lay there unable to sleep. The excitement of hearingmy mother’s voice was still like an electric shock coursing throughmy body. I remembered going into the confessional at St. Paul’s Churchwhen I was a kid. I had to kneel down and speak into a small rectanglemeshed with wire. There I examined my conscience and let the priestknow all the ways that I had sinned. Somehow hearing that messagewith Ingrid that night brought back that memory in sharp detail. I couldsmell the tang of the leather kneeler and the wood-spice fragrance ofthe incense from the just-concluded Stations of the Cross ritual and thesweet smell of the beeswax candles. I could hear the sound of the priestsliding the divider and see the wedge of light playing across the ledgewhere I rested my elbows, and my hands folded in prayer.I hadn’t gone to confession in many years. I’d kept my faith in Godbut not in the Catholic Church. I’d prayed every day in captivity forguidance and for my safe return. That night, I included one more personin my prayers. I told God that I was sorry that I’d chosen to see thebad in someone and thanked him for shedding that small wedge oflight on a person in whom, until then, I’d only seen darkness.For a few days after I’d gotten my mother’s message, I would askIngrid again to repeat the words she’d heard. She always smiled andtold me that it was fine that I’d asked. She said she understood, and Iwas glad that she did.